I finished New moon 5 hours after starting it... its a pile of wank but at least you get to see a lot of bare chested Jacob. That was the only thing keeping my eyes focused for the last hour... wait is he really young? I don't want to be a pedo here but I was enjoying the view.
Anyway here is the summary of the movie
Bella: I love you Edward but I'm SO old at 18.
Edward: Give it up Bella I'm not going to bite you.
Bella: But Edward...
Edward: Ah shit I got an erection I must leave for Spain out of sheer embarrassment. Whilst I'm gone promise you won't do anything reckless.
Bella:Oh Edward why would I do anythign reckless...
5 minutes later
Bella:Woe is me. I'll write some emails to myself and scream and be emo.
5 minutes later
Bella: Ok I'm bored of that I think I'll just ask this rapist if he wants to well... rape me.
Edwards ghost: Bella you betch I told you not to do anythign reckless
Bella: Wow I'm hallucinating now maybe I can make it happen more... Hey Jacob you've suddenly got really buff can you help me fix these death trap motor bikes?
Jacob: Of course! Will I get laid as payment.
Bella: Maybe...
Jacob: Well I'll just flex my muscle a bit and ... bikes are fixed!
Bella: YAY! Now I can try and kill myself and see more hallucinations!
Jacob: But ... I thought I was getting laid?
Bella: Were you? Who with?
Jacob: ... bitch ...
Bella: What is your problem Jacob?
Jacob: I'm a mother fucking werewolf that's my problem!
Bella: Oh noes another supernatural guy in love with me. Hey do you think I'm still beautiful now I'm so old and 18 Jacob?
Jacob: Of course. Can I get laid now?
Bella: Ok... I mean ... Wasn't I in love with someone?
Jacob: Oh not Edward again.
Alice: Bella! I keep seeing you trying to kill yourself and now Edward thinks your dead just like Romeo and Juliet that was talked about for the first 10 minutes of the movie.
Bella: But he doesn't know about Jacob right? Good good... I mean ... lets save him! *Hyperventilates*
A flight later....
Bella: Edward no don't egt naked in front fo those children!
Edward: Bella? I thought you were screwing behind my back with Jacoba nd died!
Bella: No Edward I was only faking for man attention ebcause I was bored and lonely without you.
Edward: Oh thats ok then. Let me show you some other vampires.
Other Vampires: Bella you have no soul for us to hurt with our powers. You are unusually dimwitted.
Another Vampire: We should kill her!
Stereotypical Blond Vampire: Yes so the human race no longer has such degraded genes in its pool.
Other Vampire: I agree. Stupid humans taste funny.
Edward: No!!!!!
Alice: Hey its ok she'll be a vampire like us one day.
Stereotypical Blond Vampire: How do you know?
Alice: I read the next book.
Another Vampire: Oh that's ok then.
And they all went home!