To which I can only say one thing.
Hey guys, it's been a while I know but forgive me...I am very lazy and I dont give a damn what you think about me. Now if you paid me my Patreon MAYBE I would do this more often but you don't so nyeh.
Today's flick is a classic, it's up there with Alienator/A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell and Amazon Women from Outer Space.
Yes, we are talking about Dinosaur Island.
NO! NOT THAT ONE! I'm talking about the real deal! Not some kiddie flick!
I'm talking gore, gun fights, spear stabbing, ritual pagan sacrifices and tata's!
Sweet, sweet cavewoman breast implant tata's....the best kind.
This movie is from 1994 and is directed by Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski, the masterminds behind other classics like Alienator.
Since this movie is a B (going to C) flick we also get hand outs from other films! The Big bad T-Rex is the same one they used in Carnosaur and they use the same sex pool from Bloodsurf!
And this movie has almost no plot, I am done writing this shit in a hour! So let's get right to it!
Our movie starts at the ritual virgin sacrifice where the lady from the above picture gets fed to the T-Rex.
You see what kind of movie it is when the boobs come out less then sixty seconds into the movie. Hey, at least they're being honest about their intentions.
We really start our movie with the same premise as Bioshock! With our protagonists being in a plane that crashes!...Except there's six of them. And none of them are brainwashed. And there are no superpowers or little girls with giant nee- We really start our movie like Lost! With our protagonists being in a plane that crashes!....Except the plot is a lot less convoluted. And there are more boobs...and-
Our main characters are military dudes who....you know what, names are for the weak. We got the Captain, Redshirt the pilot, the dude with the minigun from Predator and the Three Stooges( The Sarky Leader, Nerdlinger the smartypants and Turbo the fat dumb guy). Yes, they are pretty much the Three stooges who are on a plane to a court marshal for stealing a tank. Why? How? I dont know...also for prisoners these guys aren't restrained or anything. Why do they need a tank? This is never adressed and i'm to lazy to care.WAIT, I GOT IT! This movie is like Jurassic Park 3! Guys with guns crashing on a island of dinosaurs and they have no idea what the fuck they are doing! Nailed it!
Right, back to the plot, of course the plane crashes. We never get to see the plane crash and even so the plane didnt even look military. So does this means the US army has quite a few budget cuts...man, Obama that is a bad idea. I mean with ISIS and Ukraine you would think cutting down is a bad idea?
....
#shotsfired
ANYWAY, our six military dudes come ashore on the beach in their rubber boat. Redshirt got wounded in this off-screen plane crash but otherwise they all made it out....in fact they got zero wounds. They barely got any scratches on them and dotn even look wet!
There they come across two things. One, half naked women who enjoy bathing, I can't blame them, and a T-Rex that eats one of them. Three guesses who?
I give you a hint, it's the Redshirt pilot guy.
Anyway the military dudes open fire on the T-Rex but it seems prop guns have no use against it. Thankfully they get saved by a bunch of half naked warrior women with spears who chase the thing off!
...
Okay so pointy sticks hurt more then bullets? Sounds legit.
That is like bringing a knife to a gunfight...and the knife wins! Well...suppose who wields it I suppose.
The warrior woman capture the military dudes (who barely even shed a tear for Redshirt guy) and take them to their village where Littlefoot makes a cameo!
Of course the soldier guys are cocksure and aim their guns at the herbivore. Look I get it, Dinosaurs look scary but are you telling me NONE of these people know which dinosaurs wont hurt you?
I mean this is a year after Jurrasic Park! If the thing is eating leaves it probably wont go after you! then again this is the US military so...
#shotsfired
We arrive at the camp where we see more half naked women and their Queen, Morganna.
No, not that one.
There ya go.
After some quick dick measuring and by that I mean the normal spiel if men being deemed feeble minded slaves to a matriarchy and be send down to the mines (which we never see this movie). Captain and Predator guy escape from this of course while the Three stooges get caught...only to be saved by the world's stupidest emoticon.
This close to making a Forrest Gump joke...
So because this tattoo is shown on the sacred scroll they get their lives spared AND they are lifted to godhood.
Yes, what a coincidence right? It'l like someone wrote this in their sleep. I'm writing this review in my sleep.
Oh yeah, this is the sacred scroll by the way.
Yeeaaaaah....I think they got this scroll from kindergarten.
Also this brings me to the more important part of this review. Explaining how this culture works.
So this matriarchal culture exists on a island, a Lost World since its not on any maps, where as far as i can see are only women. Yet they know what men are and they learned English from missionaries. Missionaries who tried to convert them to Christianity WHILE hunting Dinosaurs. Holy shit, those are some bad ass dudes yo! Yeah sure they died but imagine Jehovah's witnesses today trying to convert you. Dude, i would join any cult that hunts dinosaurs as a pass time. Also later on in the film the Military dudes use ammo and weaponry from a grave found in the same cemetary where they bury one of their own, i'll let you guess which one.
Accoridng to the grenade I am guessing this is a pilot who died there round the WWII era or had it on him untill he died. Since he is burried in the same cemetary as the cavewomen there is some implication that they at least respected this guy so perhaps some of these cavewomen are his descendants? I think I may have inadvertendly made a prequel to a shlock 90's dinosaur movie.
Okay more question time. One, are there any men on this island, are they in those slave pits the cavewomen mentioned? Babies gotta be born right? Later on in the movie the men seduce the women yet they dont know where babies come from or how sex works. Two, they have to sacrifice virgins...so does that mean they use men are breeding stock? Did they feed all the men to the dinosaurs first? If so what were the men mining there i nthose pits to be have deemed they were more usefull as cannon fodder? If so Morganna is a very bad Queen. How can you be a ruler if your civilization crumbles in a generation, both from gathering resources to population growth! Even Shodan had a back up plan to have subjects after ending civilization!
Alright movie, what do you have to explain this?
-skip to 20:30-
Yeah...okay...convincing arguments. Let it be known that cavewomen are very thorough in cleaning each other...yes...I need a moment.
Anyway after that sexposit...exposition, the Three Stooges decide to help the cavewomen by going to kill this Great One aka the T-Rex that terrorizes them day and night and according to the prophecy are supposed to slay it. So it's like Dinosaur Hunter if it was written by a 13 year old.
The Three stooges find the Captain and Sexual Tyranosaurus who so far have been unable to contact the mainland. And then a Triceratops attacks. The military dudes shoot the unholy shit out of the thing but sadly Predator guy dies first.
Yes you were, Predator guy...yes you were.
Saddest thing of all, the Queen is not impressed since what they killed was not the Great One, the thing busted the radio so they are trapped on that island for the rest of their lives and it was a calf.
The Cavewomen try to give this a positive twist by saying at least they will have some grub. Look honey, I dont think something riddeld with gun shells is very nommy.
Furthermore Main Stooge says it's excellent, calling the island paradise. Yeah fair enough, half naked women and dinosaurs are cool and all but things like indoor plumbing, medicine and HBO are also very cool. Then again the cavewomen have very ncie hair despite the fact there is no way it would look that nice without electricty? Maybe there is some power plant someplace off screen I dunno...
Also people eating a triceratops?
Shows you how much of a man Yor is. Yeah you gunned down a triceratops with a machine gun? That's nice. Yor killed one with a stone axe AND HIS BARE HANDS!
Man, I wish Reb Brown was in this movie...
So after that little diversion, the men bury Sexual Tyranosaurus guy. Even the Main Stooge feels sad about his loss. And by feeling sad I mean he first suggests giving the guy a burial and complains why he has to do the shoveling! Goddamnit, I hate this guy! It's like if you mixed Chandler Bing with asphalt. Nerdlinger is wounded on his arm and gets taken away by one of the cavewomen to get healing. Of the sexual kind.
Oh yeah....Told ya they were using the sex pool from Bloodsurf.
I was gonna do a take a shot thing every time you see some tata's but to be honest that would be suicide, you see WAY to many.
And here is where the movie pretty much becomes repetitive. One of the stooges and his girl go off, kill a dinosaur, then shag. Repeat untill the credits. Even the Captain later on becomes a item with Queen Bitch. They even mention the words "Happily ever after!". Jeez...
There are only a few more things I can say about the "plot"...well whatever happens on screen.
One: WWII weaponry do more damage to Dinosaurs than early 90's machine guns. I can give you the grenade killing the T-Rex at the end but really..?
Two: Morganna isnt well liked by her own people so after a mud/sand wrestling contest where she gets knocked the fuck out, nobody bothers to help her up! They just let her lie there while everyone is partying like it's 1969.
Three; Morganna gives a map to the Captain guy to find the WWII Ammo stash...despite the fact it's in the same cemetary WHERE THEY BURRIED THE SEXUAL TYRANOSAURUS!
Four; The cavewomen who have no qualms going up against T-rexes are scared to death at the sight of a monster that looks like it ran off the set of the fucking Power Rangers!
Five; I have Legend of Zelda Flashbacks.
Six: They have cartoon sound effects to elevate the funny in some scenes. I think they were paying homage to Jurassic Park for when Nedry fell down the mud slide.
And of course the final thing: These women love to use skulls. There is even a point where Nerdlinger uses a skull to make Insecticide to save the harvest from these large adorable bug things.
These missionaries must've been big fans of momento moris...or it's a pagan thing, either way i'm good.
So in short, Dinosaur Island is a bad movie but it has it's merrits.....well it has boobs.
If you dont like boobs or dinosaurs I dont think you will find much enjoyment here. The acting is bad, the effects are worse, there is barely a arc for any of these characters and there is no way in hell that sex pool has any healing quanities. Anything where Surfer Dude was in, I hate with a vengeance.
However if you get the joke of this film and just roll with it, you will have a blast. I sure as hell did!....Get it?
....Yeah, i'm sorry.
....
I'm not sorry.
Anyways that's my review. I;m out, PEACE!