GET HYPE YO!
Hey everyone. Since the last time we looked at what kind be described as one of my sex tap-I mean fantasies....yes, I've decided to look into something more innocent this time around.
Today we look at Digimon, more specificly the movie that popped up in the West. Since pokemon had been doing this for three years and 4Kids was rolling in that sweet ass Pokemon money, Fox Kids decided to do the same! Literally. I'll explain as we go in. Let's just say Fox's attempt was-
I'll try to explain the premise of this franchise as short and condensed as possible so you folks can understand. I'll try to use small words for you Buch, you old git.
You limey wanking old so of an monkey-
Digimon are Digital Monsters, doi, who life in the internet. In the internet exists a world called Digiworld which has Continents and islands populated by said Digimon. Now Digimon are all born from data and form into eggs. These Digimon can then be classified into either good Digimon, Vaccine types like anti-spyware and such, and Virus types which are evil bastards that nearly crippeld my laptop, those wankers.
Each of these Digimon can Digivolve, sensing a theme here, which is like Pokemon's evolution except it's not permanent.
For example if a good digimon comes across a evil one who is stronger than him the good digimon can digivolve into a stronger and larger form to beat the snot out of him. After the fight they revert back to a form which they can hold for the longest period of time.
When Agumon digivolves into Greymon he becomes The Sexual Tyranosaurus, just like me.
Now the kids in this franchise are called Digidestined, these lucky bastards got sucked into the digital world and recieve Digivices and a Digimon partner. Thanks to thesed igivices the partner Digimon can digivolve a lot easier than normal digivolutions do.
These Digidestined get pulled into the Digital world not just to see Dinoporn but to fight off evil Digimon (and later on evil humans) from taking over the Digital world....of course.
Okay now everyone caught up let's go on to say why does movie sucks.
When I told you about Pokemon having had three movies out and Fox wanted to catch up....I wasn't joking.
The biggest flaw of this film is not the animation or narrative or the voice acting....it's the editing. You see this movie is THREE films in one who are blended together to form one narrative that doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Also the Digirap sucked.
I need to find this guy who wrote this so I can kick his ass....MC PEA POD?! WHO THE FUCK IS MC PEA POD?!
Anyways like I said this movie consists of three other parts...I'm not mentioning the Angela Anaconda because you probably dont even know who she is and if you do you should feel bad for having wasted your time in your childhood watching that shit instead of playing outside with your friends. Or watching Street Sharks. Or Mummies Alive. Or Skeleton Warriors. Or Dino Riders. Or Transform-YOU GET MAH DRIFT, YO!
The first part takes place early on in the franchise where the two more important Digidestined meet their first Digimon. The second part takes place after the conclusion of the 1st Season and is actually th hypest part out of all of them -points to the first picture of the review-. And the third part is what happens in the middle of season 2 where we get new digidestined with stupid digimon like...THIS guy.
-skip to 1:08-
WINGS OF LOVE?! KENTUCKY FRIED WINGS OF LOVE, AMIRITE?! Or-Or WINGS OF FREE LOVE! STD'S! ON WINGS!
....
Oh go fuck your-
So the first part of the film shows rpetty much the genesis of the Digidestined. Tai and Kari, brother and sister, life in Tokio where they life ordinary eight year old lives. That is until one day they find an egg which then holds a Digimon called Korromon! FYI every Digimon's name has mon at the end so if you think that is stupid...it is, but you really get used to it. Hell the creators play it smart and actually introduce Digimon like AngeWOmon. Oh if you think that pun was to subtle dont worry, you get shit loads more. Thrown at you. In the face.
Yes in this anime they fought Digimon that threw their own shit at you.
Again, keeping things classy here.
Right back at the review, so Tai and Kari take care of the little Korromon and of coruse ask the obvious question of where the fuck are you from? Enter the thing I told you in the preface.
A added feature however is that during the three tales the writers introduced a common factor by the name of Willis. Y'see because Americans always want their stamp on everything the anime decided to use a character from the third movie who got his first Digimon when the events of the first movie takes place. That introduces a problem. Y'see, the Eight Digidestined from Season 1 as far as we know are the only Digidestined in the world and they became digidestined because later on in the first part they see Korromon's Digivolved form Greymon take on a large green parrot in a hype as fuck fight. Those eight kids foour years later get send into the Digital world to go save both worlds from some evil....okay i know im going off topic but you see...this movie isn;t doing it's job. If it helps it took Pokemon like four movies before they introduced their movies and actually said what fucking Pokemon are.
Imagine being a parent and your snotty kid asks you to go to the cinema because of a show he/she/it watches gets made into a movie. You, your average tax paying and hard working git of course agree to take your sproglette to the cinema in hopes that when you grow old and start shitting yourself they will remember to pay for the old folk's home. Here's a spoiler, they wont.
Anyways you get into this movie and it starts...and you got NO idea what is going on. And with three parts being barely held together by one single thread it aint worth it.
So yeah, Willis....this fucker. So when the eight digidestined were saving the world with horrible puns but yet amazing character development and cool ass fuck fight scenes for kid;s anime, he was doing NOTHING. Why didnt he get sucked into Digiworld? In fact he has TWO Digimon, that would've given the eight others a good chance in their favours. Yeah in the final ten episodes LOADS of the kid's allies die in horrible, horrible ways. Willis and his digimon could've saved them BUT NOPE, he's to busy fucking around in Colorado! So yeah fuck this guy and his machine gun wielding rabbit.
YEAH! Whatever that spanish thing said!....Maybe.
Right so part one ends and then we skip four years later to the Digidestined after the events of season One. Again I am doing a better job in the movie to explain to you what the fuck is going on.
So a computer virus infects a powerful digi-egg, one that that fucker Willis created we soon find out, and this digimon that hatches begins to kick all kinds of a ruckus on the internet. It calls everyone on the entire planet, eats bank statements, launches nukes at people...yeah this is called "War Games" in Japan for a reason.
So a older Tai and techy guy Izzy team up because the other Digidestined are on holiday or some shit. Thanks to the powers of "you paid to see Kaiju fight so both jove you will have it" Genai, a human who lives in the digital world and served as a mentor in season one, connects the two with their digimon and so a hype chase/fight scene ensues.
Also need I remind you the cool guy gets a Dinosaur with a skull on it's head while the nerd gets a creepy but cool large bug that shoots electricty at his enemies? Kids love this shit for a reason! Hell I love this shit for a reason. The Big G!
But because the evil digimon, now called Diaboromon, digivolves so fast and is so buff he smacks the shit out of Greymon and Kabuterimon. Aparantly in the English dub this poor guy is looking for Willis, the guy who created him. That introduces Frankenstein esque storytelling here. That is the sole reason I like this 2nd part of the story. The stakes are high (Nukes are flying and Vault Tech isnt ready yet with it's Vaults) but you understand the antagonist. So thankfully two more digidestined, Rival turned good guy Matt and his kid brother TK whose digimon is pretty much Deus Ex machina but for the rest sucks balls, find their way on the internet and team up with Tai and Izzy. So with the clock ticking and Diaboromon air juggling the good guys asses and the fact every kid in the world sees this fight (how?) and keep sending e-mail , the good guys keep having serious lag. Yeah, now I know how the BOOM HEADSHOT guy feels like.
And then this happens because of heart of the cards and bullshit...
It is kinda hype tho!
So the good guys win and besides from a mention Willis the cocksucker fucked this shit up, it adds nothing to the narrative. In fact the rest of the film goes downhill from here. You cant top averting a missile crisis over ANYTHING. In fact the writer of this film suggested the movie should end at this point and cut out the Willis part...but because Fox wanted to ketchemup (get it?) to Pokemon so hard they HAd to put the third film in there.
.....
Okay so cut to season two which sucked quite a bit. The older kids had their character development so nothing there and the two youngest, Kari and TK, end up joining a Second group of Digigestined....who are bland as all hell, are carbon copies from the previous lot and they fly with the wings of love guy....yeah.
The third part starts with TK and Kari going to NY to visit their Digidestined friend who moved to the US , who is not seen again in this movie, but come across Willis and his Digimon. turns out his 2nd Digimon went evil (gee, what a shock) and is hunting him down like Sabretooth does Wolverine on Wolverine's birthday. Except more kid friendly because it has to be PG >.> Fucking bullshit.
This Kokomon...sigh....tells Willis and his digimon to go back to where it all began. Colorado, not Weapon X sadly.
After Willis tells them to fuck off, Kari e-mails the other guys, i wont even bother naming them, for help in hopes of assembling in Colorado. Unfortunately, T.K. and Kari's train becomes derailed by Kokomon on the way and they are unable to meet with the others. These other guys end up in America and by the laws of plot convenience actually end up in the same truck as Willis and Terriermon. Kokomon comes across them and they fight and they fight and they fight until they bravely run away when Kokomon is tearing them a new asshole.
Willis goes into plot exposition turf and admits to the others Diaboromon was his creation and the reason why he blew off Kari and TK earlier was to keep them save. Asshole, you dont see Connor McCloud blowing Ramirez off when the Kurgan comes to town! Fuck you Willis!
At Willis's home the next morning, Kokomon appears but Digivolves (into...i dont know what, evil bunny?) and easily defeats the DigiDestined. He digivoles again and proceeds to eat their Digimon, but T.K. and Kari arrive at the nick of time to provide back-up with Angemon aka Deus Ex Machina mon and Angewomon. Angry, Kokomon de-Digivolves the Digimon then de-ages the Digidestined, revealing that he wanted Willis to "go back" in time to when the "strange" spirit first attacked him. To combat him, Angewomon and Angemon Digivolve to their Mega forms, Magnadramon and Seraphimon, to release two Golden Digi-Eggs for Willis and Davis aka Tai Light, the leader of the 2nd group of Digidestined. I was going to mention that that mega evolution doesnt happen in the anime...but fuck it, we're nearly done and I got places to be.
So both Veemon and Terriermon Golden Armour digivolve and get eaten by Kokomon and pull a K from Men in Black.
Similar results happen. Kokomon blows up, gets reborn into a new egg (Diaboromon doesnt get reborn because FUCK YOU WILLIS) while the movie wraps up.
So that was my review of Digimon the movie. Does it suck? Digi-yes. However I still suggest you lot watch the first seasoon of Digimon adventure for the previously mentioned reasons. The characters are interesting and much like the Wheel of Time saga sometimes the party splits up and sometimes you get characters working together that you didnt expect. So for the love of god, watch the series and drop this movie.
See you guys later.