And IIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yoooooooooou…
Hey guys.
Today we are going for one of the most requested movies you been bugging me about. That’s right, Jurassic Park.
As you all know Jurassic Park is my favourite film of all time. It has iconic music, scenes, characters…the whole nine yards. Of course with any other film it has it’s flaws but still to many this is a classic that never ages, just like the Unix system!
So let’s dive in shall-
AW GODDAMNIT!
I seriously, SERIOUSLY hate you guys. Even you, yes YOU.
Why do you want me to review this stinker?! Both Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo said it sucked and admitted they got themselves drunk the entire time to cope! I’m not joking, seriously.
In Leguizamo wrote down in his autobiography “Pimps, Hos, Playa Hatas, and All the Rest of My Hollywood Friends” that they really got drunk half the time because the directors ( both of them) had opposing visions, introduced mature themes for a kid’s movie and for a 5 week shooting turned to over double. Overall it’s a mess of a flick and it shows.
Let’s just get to it, shall we?
Oh fuck off…
This is what they used for the opening narration. Hold on to yours butts…
We first open up with a narration of Dan Castellaneta aka Homer Simpson with just atrocious artwork and the premise of the movie, with that an meteor that struck the earth created two dimensions, one where our ancestors evolved out of monkeys and one where Dinosaurs continued to thrive and actually began having larger brains and other functions. I’ve seen some pretty bad dino art in my day folks but this takes the cake. Walking with Dinosaurs the3D movie this is not. Our actual movie starts in with a child being abandoned at a church by her mother before she gets killed.
….
FUCKING MARIO BROS!
Look at this!
When I think of a movie called SUPER MARIO BROS, THIS is what me and every kid thinks of! Not the goddamn Hunchback of the goddamn Notre-Dame! Jesus H. Christ, how long are we in….two minutes? TWO MINUTES?!
Yeah, I’m sorry about that. That was very unprofessional of me and I shouldn’t walk away from my responsibilities like that. Look, I’ll do my best for you guys, ok? But I am just a man. I have failings to. Can we at least agree on that? Okay? Okay. So….two minutes in. We have that Superman from Krypton shit going on where we find out that the casket left at the church actually holds an egg which hatches and reveals to be an baby human looking girl.
Look I might not be that much of an expert in the goings on of the Catholic church but why are these nuns taking this demon baby thing in stride? I mean…this…THING came out of an egg! It’s not human! It’s the spawn of the devil! Why the hell do you want to raise it and not throw it into the fire? Why are you so goddamn liberal about this bullshit?! AND WHY IS THIS IN A SUPER MARIO BROS MOVIE?!
Goddamnit….okay, I’m calm. I’m cool. I’m a professional. I reviewed Raptor and made it out. I reviewed Blood Surf and made it out. I survived the insanity of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I’m cool. I can make it.
Right….so skip two decades later we are introduced to our main characters. Mario, played by the late Bob Hoskins, and Luigi played by John Leguizamo.
I will give credit where it’s due, Luigi is the dumbest character in this movie much like in the games. You honestly thought the year of Luigi was going to work? There is a reason why Nintendo is crumbling so fast you guys and that is because some idiot thought Luigi was an good idea to spend a year’s worth of money on.
Also Bob Hoskins is by far the best actor in this flick. He doesn’t even try and he NAILS this performance as an leader and the proper older brother who looks after his idiot younger brother. I’m not sure that is a testament to his legacy that drunkingly half-assing it makes the movie bearable or that he is drunkingly half-assing it he is still the best actor in this flick. Dude was a legend is all I’m saying.
So Mario and Luigi are Brooklyn plumbers who are in dire straits. As fitting with most protagonists following Campbell’s Thousand faces, they are down on their luck but overall nice guys that you can root for. Except for Luigi that stupid piece of shit.
The two try to make a living but their opposition called the Scapelli Construction Company nicks all their jobs. Scapelli is a…strange guy. He owns this plumbing business and grows large enough in power to be threatening people in the open, not fear the law for sabotaging digsites and comes across more as a mob boss more than anything. Anyway at a digsite Daisy, the young girl at the beginning who is now an paleontologist, gets threatened by Scapelli to finish up the digsite or else she will end up like Jimmy Hoffa.
This movie is for kids right?
Anyway Daisy goes to a payphone where by the powers of plot convenience the Mario Bros crashed down with their car. Now I will give this scene credit, it is pretty well done. Luigi is smitten and in love at first sight with Daisy but doesn’t know how to handle it so Mario steps in and helps his brother out. This movie gets a LOT of things wrong but the chemistry between Hoskins and Leguizamo is really rock solid. So props to that….shit to the other parts.
So by Mario’s guidance, Luigi asks her out on a double date with Mario and his girlfriend, Peach.
Wait I’m sorry, Daniella.
…..
Wait a minute…Mario didn’t have a girlfriend called Daniella. It was Pauline.
Not her-
But her
I know I shouldn’t nitpick but fuck you, I will. If you don’t want to put Peach in this movie because you already got a princess, fine I get that. But if you need to put another GF character in there for Mario, stick to the goddamn source material. Also this character gets kidnapped shortly after this scene and isn’t seen till halfway through. She has NOTHING to do with the plot at all and there would have been zero loss if she was cut out.
Back to the story, Luigi and Daisy run back to the digsite because seeing dinosaur skeletons gives Luigi a boner. A DRY BONER!
Thank you, thank you. I’m here all week. Please tip your waitress and drive home safely.
Anyways Scapelli’s goons sabotage the digsite by flooding it…for some reason, so Luigi and Daisy call in Mario to help fix the situation. Which they do. However they get attacked by Spike and Iggy aka Dumb and Dumber who as you all know are Bowser’s kids…however in this movie they are just goons for Koopa and they look nothing alike. Why is this movie made again?
Ah right….mission failed there!
So our dynamic duo follow the kidnapped daisy through MY WORST NIGHTMARE.
-skip to 21:35-
This is for kid’s right? Fucking Chernabog from the Night on Bald Mountain from Fantasia is less scarier than this! Holy crap…looks impressive for the time though.
So our dynamic duo travel a la Sliders to the Mushroom Kingdom….which is a single city on a desert planet and the only reason it could be possibly called a Mushroom Kingdom is because an Fungus is growling all over the city. I also forget to mention that that Daisy has this rock which is the McGuffin which our heroes lose to Big Bertha so we are going to see a lot of cleavage shots from this lady.
It’s one of THOSE kid’s movies. Also Big bertha is supposed to be a fish which eats Mario whole. So how come her outfit has nothing in common with a fish except the red colour?
…
I also made an innuendo with Bertha ‘eating’ Mario whole so….gratz?
Also did you know the term Sexual Tyranosaurus is actually a movie and not just an one-liner from Predator?
Right back to the movie. Anyway we meet Koopa played by Dennis Hopper-I mean Dr.Evil.
I’m serious, Koopa aka Bowser is being played like Dr Evil. Dr Evil was created here in 1993, 6 years before Austin Powers. Also take a look at this!
One of these things do not look like the other, one of these things doesn’t belong…
Dennis…you poor bastard. You were a rising star that got struck down by this shittiness.
So, Koopa rules Mushroom Gotham City with an Iron Fist and wants the McGuffin to fuse our two worlds together and conquer it. Question, how and why?
We do see the Dino-world using high tech stuff you don’t see in ours true. Also he has an laser beam (not attached to freakin’ sharks on their freakin’ heads sadly) that can de-evolve someone and so forth. However problem is…he only has enough Goomba’s ( or whatever the fuck those are) for one city. He has a limited population to work with and thus a small army. How the hell can he take over the world?! I’ve seen people bomb NY all the time in fiction. Hell if they did so for Cloverfield, what chance does Koopa and his army of dumb ass Goomba’s have? Then again it does explain why a short and overweight Italian drug addled plumber guy manages to beat them time and again…
Also this is how Goomba’s look like in the movie.
MORE NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR THE CRAZY TRAAAAAAIN!!!
So when Daisy is brought before Koopa and tries to seduce her with his…tongue antics, (I wish it were those kind of an-actually no, the last thing I wanna see is Dennis Hopper ‘eating’ some girl! Stop it! Ah gawd now I pictured it…)he calls a manhunt on Mario and Luigi who according to Dumb and Dumber have the McGuffin.
However since Mario and dumbass Luigi are not like Han Solo, they get their ass caught alongside Toad. Yes, Toad is in this movie folks! And say it with me “He looks notihng like the games”. But wait, it gets even better. You want more nightmare fuel for the crazy train? No, THOUGH COOKIES!
YOU KEPT ASKING FOR IT AND ASKING FOR IT!!!!
At this part Mario and Luigi get asked to give their full names to the authorities, with a rather foxy dino lady showing us some leg thank you very much, and the replies are to stupid to be true. Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.
I know they are called the Mario Bros but I thought Mario was a little egocentric is all. Anyways shenanigans ensues after they meet Koopa who does his villain monologue before the Mario Bros escape with a police car like the Joker from the Dark Knight.
The car does look like it was kinda inspired my Frank Miller’s Batmobile…
It’s around this part that the fungus that grows throughout the city begins to aid our heroes by giving them bombs, catching them when they fall and so on. Of course Mario doesn’t believe in the fungus helping them but Luigi does. Yeah, I bet you believe that you piece of shit. I REMEMBER THAT BLUE SHELL AND WHO THREW IT YOU SON OF A-
Koopa upgrades dumb and dumber to go give chase after the Mario Bros. How you ask? Well before I said that they got this laser beam which de-evolves people and if its used on any of the dino-people in the city they turn into goombas right? Well same thing here but instead evolution makes them smarter. Yeah, that’s how evolution works…
Nintendo, getting Darwin’s theory wrong since 1993.
But still despite their increase of IQ they still suck at their job and get caught by the Mario Bros. After an exposition dump the two actually turn traitor to Koopa. Wow, you know Koopa if you treated your goons with more respect maybe they would not turn on you. Why do most bad guys not get this?!
Meanwhile we got introduced to Yoshi.
Huh, sorry it seems like I put in Raptor movie agai-….oh.
In the movie’s defense, he does use his tongue once and those are some nice animatronics.
So the Mario Bros get inside the city again and try to get the McGuffin by Mario trying to seduce Bertha. And we get to see a lot of bad flirting, dancing and…cleavage shots. Oh sweet jesus….I’ve seen some shit man. I’ve seen Ryleh rise again from the damned ocean floor. I’ve seen infinity and barely was able to look away just in time to not lose my sanity. I have seen horrors beyond imagining…AND THEN I SAW THAT CLEAVAGE STARE AT ME LIKE THE DAMNED ABYSS OF NIETZSCHE!
When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you…
Also during the dance club thing they actually do play “Everybody do the Dinosaur”. So does that means they know of our dimension and the music, is it some kind of bleeding magic a la fables where if one event affects one world you can see something similar into another one? Ah fuck it…
Right, if that still hasn’t scared you off. Let’s get to the climax where, get ready for this, the Mario Bros ACTUALLY get into their uniforms!
It’s also around this part where we find out Koopa de-evolved the former King, Daisy’s father, from a king to the fungus that is all over the city. Which means later on when Daisy introduces Luigi to her ‘Father’ he is talking to….fucking goob.
Okay, now I can see why they had to be drunk to get through this flick. I mean I saw excuses before but this is a valid reason to get super drunk on set for.
So the climax happens, everyone fights…we travel from one world to another which has more nightmare fuel.
Then this happens.
Random comeuppance for the plumber maffia guy because karma. There was also something about gliding down inside a ice covered pipe on a matrass as they get chased by Goomba’s. There was one woman who fucked up by loudly announcing Mario’s presence to the Goomba’s because fu- what woman you ask? Well Dumb and Dumber kidnapped several girls before Daisy because they kept fucking up and not knowing who is Daisy. And instead of eating them they got captured.
Also Dumb and Dumber are actually rebels who were with the Fungus King all along but it was never established before this movie….fuck where was I? Oh yeah, Climax. Right.
They travel back to Dino-world where Mario and Luigi both use the lasers to evolve Koopa into a T0rex and then into green goob. For some reason the Fungus King turns into Admiral Bishop for five seconds, Daisy has to bid goodbye to Luigi because she has to stay behind in rathole Dino-city for some reason. But three weeks later Daisy comes back, armed for war, and asks the Mario Bros to come back for more ass kicking and a sequel bait that was never brought to light.
Also there is a post credits thing where Dumb and Dumber are selling their idea of a video game to some Japanese investors.
And that was the Super Mario Bros movie.
It was bad but not AS bad as some of the shit I reviewed so far. Unlike Raptor the animatronics were amazing, you actually had Bob Hoskins who even when drunk did a good job but the plot was stupid, so were the characters and it was actually quite enjoyable to watch despite the shittiness. Be sure to play some Mario games to wash the bad taste out of your mouth though.
Right I’m off to hibernate with my harem of dino-women. See you around.