Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Apr 22, 2014 17:25:11 GMT 1
Look at me, reviewing kid's cartoon shows for my dinosaur fix. Beats reviewing porn i guess....who the hell am I kidding.
Hey guys.
So....Aladdin the series. Where to start.
Aladdin, our favourite compulsive lying thief with a heart of gold. This series takes palce after the revenge of Jafar and before the King of Thieves flick which ends the franchise. It took place during Disney's afternoon ( Or Disney festival in jolly ol' Belgium) with other shows like Duck Tales, The Little Mermaid, Tail Spin and Gargoyles.....I could've been watching Gargoyles right now. you know for some stupid reason the Belgian version of Disney's afternoon NEVER showed Gargoyles. It took me till I was 21 years old to find out about that series! Goddamn dubbing sucks...what was I talking about again?
Oh right.....this....-sighs-
Aladdin was one of the first film franchises Disney exploited to make a series out of. And it shows. Unlike the series that followed like Lilo and Stitch and...I think Lilo and Stitch was the only film-series show that actually had character development. Alright let me set this straight. Aladdin the Series is not bad, it's just....alright. It has some good episodes, some bad and much like Batman TAS it relied HEAVILY on it's rogue gallery to stay alive. You had a Greek Inventor who created friggin' mechs to fight Al and his crew, an Evil Prince-Wizard, Abis Mal from the Revenge of Jafar movie, a race of Mud people, a sorcerer that was locked up in a sunken boat that even Jafar feared. That's right, THIS GUY-
Made Jafar shit his dark robes.
And of course you have some villainesses that are more to....my flavour.
You can claw me all night long when in heat baby. Puurrrr....growl.
My apologies, i have a thing for anthromorphic ladies. I hope you understand. If not...well here's me bitching about this episode.
Today's episode is called "Much abu about nothing."
No, try again.
Close but nope. Also plus points for referencing Neo and the Man on Fire guy.
Much Abu about nothing starts off with Abu and Iago trying to steal food from the market place.
You see there is the first problem I got with this series. Why in the name of Wicket Wystri Warrick would they do that. This is episode 109 accoridng to my sources so that means these two helped save the city 111 times, two movies included. Why would they steal food when by all means the merchants should offer it to them on a silver fucking plate! Hell if i saved a city over a hundred times I would've had a harem, a t-rex with machine gun arms who can fly AND a time machine by now. Or a room in the palace at least. Yeah, aparantly Aladdin and Apu still life in their shanty town while by all means they could go life in the Allahdamned palace ( thank you) with the hot piece of ass Jasmine and-ah fuck it, lets keep going.
Anyways, they get caught and chased by the merchant guy, whom they should be stepped on by Mechanicles' Insect mechs next time he pops over if i were them, when Apu suddenly has visions of a distant city under attack by a set of teeth. Now I do give credit where it's due, except in Buch's case go screw yourself you limey bas-, so I will do so in this case as well. The visuals of the city, the ghostly voices asking for aid and the jaws of death are really atmospheric for kid shows. Well PG kid shows anyways, in one Johhny Quest episode people got eaten by carnivoric Murlocs which was rather unsettling...
So yeah, see this as a baby's first encounter with Ridley Scott's Alien.
Hey kids, wanna see me pop out of Uncle Chuck's chest cavity?!
So this vision happens twice where the second time round Aladdin and Genie also see the vision and nearly get eaten by it. So...how does this vision work exactly? Is it like thrown at them from afar like a bomb or something? Also if the maws of death thing got them would they feel pain or-
Oh jesus fucking chri-OK FINE!
So because Genie is the Deus Ex Machina who works whenever the plots wants it to, they find out where the distress hail/vision thing is coming from so they fly off.
An unspecified of time later, Aladdin and Jasmine flew from the Middle-East to China in a span of...what, two hours tops so i'm not complaining, they arrive at the mountain village where the Head Shaman and Tribal leader welcomes them. Aladdin of course goes to punch him in the face for sending a vision that nearly kille-oh wait no. Lawfull good and stuff yeah....why the fuck did you roll a Thief if you have the Lawfull Good allignment, you jack ass? you been to the Ridley school of roleplaying?
Anyways it is here they found out that the village is besieged by an terrible ancient beast that is nearly starving the village to death because it keeps attacking and eating the hunters when they try to find food. the prophecy says ( there is ALWAYS one of those around) that the great Liberator would come, flying on a piece of cloth to smite the monster and save the village. Three guesses who? I give you a moment. Hint, look at the title.
Yeah...okay, yeah.
Anyways since Abu is the "Chose One", his friends decide to help him find the monster and save the village. and by help I mean PATRONIZE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.
Okay Al buddy....how many times did that monkey save your ass? Quite a few times. In fact you would still be in that goddamn cave of wonders eating your own shit if it werent for him!
In fact when they find the creature Abu is the only one who actually tries to fight the thing instead of our noble heroes who run away brafely. What does the monster look like you ask?
There you go, that was the reason why I made this review by the way. Scraping the last bits of dino stuff.
I also noticed i'm mostly doing T-Rex stuff, i should try to be a bit more diverse....
This movie is a piece of shit and the only good thing about it is some black dude throwing molotov cocktails at people saying "No problem". Also brachiosauri aparantly eat people.
Right with that out of the way, the group runs away bravely and come up with a plan to draw the Monster ( they dont say dinosaur despite the fact Genie knows 20th century stuff and should know what it is) toward a trap so then they can trap it by burrying it under a pile of rocks. How do they do that you ask? Well by blowing up the mountain of course!
...
I'm not joking! Their plan is to blow up a portion of the mountain so it's debris will bury the monster.The mountain they are standing on. The mountain that can crumble if to much of it gets blown away. Can you see the drawbacks of this plan? Yeah, me to!Everyone except Abu and Ilago think it's a bad idea but OF COURSE they proceed with it. Look dude, if the animal comic relief thinks your plan is stupid and insane, COME UP WITH ANOTHER PLAN! LIKE I DONT KNOW, ASK GENIE TURN APU INTO A GIANT GORRILA SO WE COULD HAVE THIS INSTEAD?!
You dropped the ball Disney, YOU DROPPED THE GODDAMN BALL!
The party proceeds with Operation "Blow everyone up" and at Iago's advice Genie plants the side of the mountain full with bombs, rockets, nuclear bombs and all that shit.
Dude, the last time someone called Iago gave advice it ended up bad for this guy named Othello. you should look him up! So they draw the T-Rex to the sweet spot and blow up the mountain...side which buries the T-Rex and makes Abu a hero. Of course they dont go down to check if the T-Rex is indeed dead or trapped for that matter and instead go ahead with the large feast to celibrate. It's not like that will come to bite them in the ass, right?
-skip to 17:10-
Yeah.....why am I cheering for the good guys again?
During the feast Abu feels bad since he really wanted to take responsiblity for once and be a hero like his pal Aladdin is. But nope, Al had to do it all for Abu whilst patronizing him because Al is a dick.
Okay in all seriousness Aladdin does care about Abu and wouldnt want to send a monkey to fight a T-Rex. He probably didnt think much of it and he probably didnt want to hurt Abu's feelings on purpose. they are like bro's man. And bro's before hoes, why do you think they still life at Al's derelict building while they could be at the palace with a warm Jasmine lay to warm your bed. Because bro's man! Bro's!
...
I would;ve ratted them all out to bang Mirage, let it be known. Dinosaurs and cats, a dangerious mix lemme tell ya.
Oh shit right, the climax. Sorry. So the T-Rex escapes and is currently in the "You dun goofed" stage and starts wrecking shit apart. Aladdin of course feels like an idiot and does his best to distract the Rex so the villagers can escape. Well some remorse there, that's good. The Rex knocks everyone out, except Abu who goes Shadows of the Colossus on his ass!
GO GET HIM, MONKEY MAN!
...oh no, i turned traitor on my own kind! I mean BOOO! Get eaten! ...yeah. boo....
Abu manages to topple the T-Rex off the cliff and makes it out alive because there is no way in hell a main character would die in a Disney spin off show.
Everyone hugs and cheers and calls Abu a hero which concludes his arc.
And that was this episode of Aladdin folks. In all seriousness this episode was alright. an average for the Aladdin tv series and nothing really to write home about.
It's never really explained where the T-Rex comes from, according to the shaman he jus arrived one day which implies the villagers were there first. A theory goes that in the Little Mermaid series, Ariel unleashes Dinosaurs who were stuck in ice on the Northpole and released them. Of course Triton gave them a proper home, which implies that Triton created the Savage Land which alos makes since with the Disney-Marvel tie there. So one of these dinos might've get away from the Northpole and find his way to the village. It's a fan theory but there ya go.
....
I watch to many goddamn shows. Catch you later, i need to lie down and rethink my life and career...