|
Post by Mister Buch on May 23, 2014 17:32:25 GMT 1
If that's from a movie, please review it!
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 23, 2014 17:48:56 GMT 1
No it's from a game called Dino D-Day. It's pretty shitty. It's WWII with the allies vs the Nazi's and the Nazi team is the only one with Dinosaurs, three I think it was (Four if you include the Sniper Nazi class that has a pteradon pet you can sic at folks). en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dino_D-DayTotal Biscuit also made a Review of it, i'll try to find it. Edit: Also it seems my info is antiquated since they added more classes and an allied dinosaur.
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 25, 2014 19:14:39 GMT 1
It has been decided. I will read a piece of literature which deals with Jurassic Park. Hold on to your roots...
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 29, 2014 20:39:02 GMT 1
Well...hello there. Hey everyone. Today we are going to step aside from the horrible shlock of film and tv. Today we are going back to the written word, to literature at it's very worst. Today we are delving into the realm....of fanfiction. As such this will be a rather...graphic chapter of this review series and if Raptor scared you off for one small sex scene well i am sad to say you have no place here. Go back to the Aladdin review with the other babies and let the grown up people snicker at naughty bits. But Gorvar you no doubt ask, what would combine your field of expertice and erotic fiction? Oh sweet summer child....you know nothing of the horrors of the internet if you ask that question. How I survived such horrors is best left for another time but my persona should be an large clue as to how I survived with my mind and sanity largely intact while others crumbled and died. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to "Root her", an Jurassic Park erotic fanfiction written by Michael Collins. Let's dive in, shall we? Our story starts similar to Jurassic Park itself, both the film and the novel of sorts. I think i can hear Micheal Crichton spin in his grave like an jet propeller and to be frank...it is a fitting punishment for Rising Sun and the Lost World novel. Who is Kohai now, BITCH?! (If any of Crichton's relatives by any chance read this please I did not mean that last comment....but Rising Sun DID suck dino balls.) Muldoon, aka the Raptor guy, is overseeing the move of the Velociraptors while grumbling he has not seen action for six months. In all the meanings of the term. Just as he was contemplating a change of career, his self reflection was cut off by a loud, metallic “CLANG!” as the final pylon was hauled into place atop the heavy-duty maximum security enclosure being erected behind him, reminding him that it had been a long, long time since he’d been involved in erections of a more personal nature. “Hola, Senor Muldoon!” one of the workers called up to him as they passed by. Muldoon peered at him, trying to make out who it was. “Oh yes,” he thought as recognition set in, “that’ll be young Joffrey”. Joffrey was one of the few men on the island who never really got credited for anything, one of those men that InGen CEO John Hammond constantly referred to as “Our delightfully expendable workforce”. Muldoon nodded curtly to young Joffrey, making sure to maintain eye contact for slightly longer than was socially acceptable. Joffrey smiled back coquettishly and gave him an almost effeminate wink.Wiping his mouth slightly, Muldoon once more adjusted himself and went back to surveying the surrounding area, trying very VERY hard not to think about how long it had been since he’d given his rifle a good cocking. Careful now Muldoon, you know how Office romances may end. With someone being raped by an Velociraptor. Also for those Game of Thrones fans out there, yes I have seen the Purple Wedding and no I do not stoop down to making pulp culture jokes for the sake of a quick laugh. At least for this review. However if you still have some hate left, try to picture lil Joff instead of some young Costa Rican guy. That might actually help your day. The North remembers indeed. Back to the story! So after that little bit of sexual tension, the Raptors get trucked in those giant cages and in an suprising attidude of not acting in character, Muldoon actually partly sabotages the cage so a Raptor might get out. Characters acting out of character in an fanfiction? My god, what will happen next? Also do you remember the time Harry Potter and co changed houses to Slytherin, became vampires AND converted to Satanists? And where the self insert Mary sue character has sex with a shy Draco before Dumbledore comes in shouting "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!". An classic, I can taste the tween orgasms. ... I know what I said. So of course the Raptor escapes and pins poor Joffrey down and his completely at her mercy. Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is where things get....erotic. Muldoon suppressed an excited grin as he immediately began to shout instructions to the panic-stricken construction crew. “Tasers, get in there goddamnit! You there – ” he motioned to one dumbstruck engineer, “Bring me four tranq rifles, a vial of nerve toxins and a camera goddamnit! And make sure it’s a bloody video camera this time!”Hm true, I find moving pictures a lot more stimulating than photographs however pleasing things might be to the eye. I lack imagination in such matters you see. Joffrey howled in terror as his efforts to stay put failed. Unable to break the creature’s hold he cracked his head brutally against the side of the cage and lost all ability to resist as his senses became groggy. A rank odour of decaying meat and feces lined the air of the cage and it was all he could do to suppress his gag reflex the way his gym teacher had taught him. As his head cleared slightly he was able to make out the dreadful beast which had just snared him. Standing almost eight feet high, with mottled brown and green skin and rows of curved, serrated teeth was Velociraptor Antirrhopus: a killing machine of almost unsurpassed intelligence, lethality and sexual appetite. I know I should question why he would think an Jurassic Predator would be bursting with sexual appetite...but I find Joffrey's backstory more interesting at the moment. I smell Shawshank shenanigans! Perhaps the author should do an prequel on Joffrey, we can call it "Shawshank Shanking: The Showers wash away nothing". Strangely enough though, he didn’t really mind! While Joffrey would have preferred not to die, this prehistoric jack the ripper was somehow the most beautiful creature he had ever seen – from her lustrous amber eyes to her graceful, prehensile tail – all the way to her muscular thighs and smooth, curvy footclaws. It would be an honour to be ravaged by such a….a…goddess! Blissfully and with complete disregard for his mutilated ankle and gashed open head, he reached out and smiled at the creature as she reared up and opened her jaws…This is how I felt when I met Misses Gorvar. Although my relationship has alsted a lot longer than it has for poor Joff. By now the activity outside the cage had reached ‘pandemonium’ status. Frightened workers ran around like headless compys trying to find a way to secure the cage and free their colleague. In a state of calm bliss, Muldoon strode over to the radio and casually informed the Jurassic Park control centre that they were ready for the other raptors now and also while they were at it perhaps a few crates of strong alcohol and some women’s clothing. Almost trembling with anticipation but remaining outwardly stoic nonetheless, he loosened his belt and struck a match to light his pre-coital cigarette with. Six damn months! Well NOW he was going to get some release! Grabbing the side of the broken cage, he hauled himself up and peeked through a gap in the roof to see how things were progressing.For some, this will ruin Jurassic Park. For me, it has been....enhanced. The velociraptor had parted her jaws and looked about to strike, but suddenly she seemed to stop as if unsure of herself. Joffrey was confused – why hadn’t this hot cretaceous babe mauled him like the filthy descendant of a wretched shrew-like thing that he was? Why was he not being lovingly absorbed by the digestive system of this perfect, carrion-scented aphrodite?Okay now I have to step in here. This guy is using my pick-up lines. True it only worked for the Misses but still I must protest sir! Her eyes were still marked by a ferocious hunger, but it was not for shredded meat she seemed to slaver – she clearly wanted the meat intact! Joffrey couldn’t believe his luck! Slowly, she backed away from him, then coyly turned around so her bird-like hips were on full display mere inches from his face. -skip to 1:21- Now this is where parts get a little graphic. The naughty parts that is. Last chance for those faint of heart to get away. From this angle, he could see her smooth, hairless slit. As he began to drool, she started to shake her hips from side to side seductively, delicately spraying him with gallons upon gallons of dinosaur sex pheromones she had in some gland that all velociraptors had but that didn’t get fossilised with the rest of them because it was too soft somehow (What, i dont...). Cautiously at first, lest he somehow alarm her or turn her off, Joffrey began to lightly rub the area around her velocigina with his chin, nuzzling the rough, pebble-like folds of skin surrounding it with his tongue. The creature howled with a terrifying, primordial delight and thrust herself back against Joffrey’s mouth, knocking out his front teeth and ramming his lower jaw deep inside her. “GRKHLONNGGGGHKGFLFGLGLUMMMPH!!!!” Joffrey whispered seductively as he continued to work his magic on her with his mouth parts, delicately teasing her harsh, sandpaper-like clitoris as he did so.Shakespeare, Mary Shelley, James Joyce, Jane Austin, JRR Tolkien, George RR Martin....Michael Collins. This man has to be taken into the canon people. Make it happen. Kickstart it. Also Velocigina needs to become part of the vernacular. The velociraptor was a merciless predator, but she was not a selfish lover! It was time to reciprocate. Taking the Black Widow-syndrome to the extremes there. Not what I mea....ah screw it. ..... I know what I said. As Joffrey lay battered on the cage floor barely able to move, she approached him and lightly rested her perfectly-shaped foot on his crotch. Even through his dislocated muscle, she could feel the bulge! She grinned, as all velociraptors are pretty much forced to do because of their bone structure, and with one deft flick of her curved toe claw she tore through the lining of his pants and exposed his engorged, throbbing, member. Joffrey mumbled with ecstasy through his maimed features as the creature appraised him. She was mildly disappointed at the lack of insemination barbs on his manhood, but she had come too far now – invested too much time – to stop the process this close to completion. Wrapping her tail around his waist, she pulled him to his feet and slammed herself back against his erect cock, moaning wickedly as it pushed apart the sides of her opening and entered her. Little bubbles of pleasure formed in the red-black foam on Joffrey’s mouth as she forced herself further back, taking him deep inside her.It's alright Miss Raptor, you can always adopt! Also Dinosex people. This is why people invented the internet. To check your mail and Dinoporn. On top of the cage, the camera was nearly ready. Muldoon could take no more! Whipping off his safari shorts and pulling out his very own ‘big game’, he wrapped his hands around it and began to rythmically jerk off as the confused and terrified engineer pointed the camera where he was told to!
“Ohhhhhh that’s right, get it all on tape, allllllll on tape”, he groaned as he energetically pumped his purple shotgun.I know I posted this before but LOOK AT IT. Next time you see Bob Peck in any movie, remember this scene. Remember! The velociraptor was grinding and bucking back against Joffrey with terrifying savagery now, and she could feel the warmth beginning to build up in her nether regions as his rod-hard dick slammed in and out of her orifice. Fervently, she rocked against the side of the cage, ignoring Joffrey’s impassioned gurgling noises as she brought herself closer and closer to a meteoric climax.
“Keep shootinggggg”, Muldoon moaned as he prepared to do some shooting of his own. “SHOOT HER! SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT HEEEEERRR!!!!”Ah I see what you did there Mr Collins. Nice Easter Egg. This is the kind of dedication Telltale should've had for their Jurassic Park game. It wasn't that bad I admit but I found it lacking. Although I did like how John Hammond and Ingen kicked the natives out of Isla Nublar to make an amusement park with dinosaurs. So John Hammond was a dick still in the movie universe although still quite less bad as the novel one. Seriously, Scrooge McDuck is a saint compared to novel Hammond. Finally the raptor could take it no more! Squealing as if she intended to drown out all other sounds that had ever been made by anything in the history of ever she came hard and fast, her vaginal walls constricting around Joffrey like a vice as wave after wave of putrid velociraptor love tabasco squirted everywhere, dousing the floor and walls of the cage in a layer of horribleness half an inch thick.Remember ladies and gentlemen, if you think you haven't gone without sexual intercourse for a while...this might happen to you. Joffrey screamed in agony as his frail warm-blooded member was crushed by this merciless barrage, and tried desperately to pull out of her, but it was too late. In a final act of climax she spun around again, taking him with her and cracking his spine in two. Acting on pure instinct, she sank her powerful jaws into the sides of his skull and bit down hard, ripping his head clean in half and scattering flesh and blood everywhere. As her teeth entered his brain, they triggered his pleasure and pain senses, sending him at once into the most disturbingly intense agony a human being can possibly experience and bringing him to such heights of ecstasy as humankind can only dream of. Then he died.I dont know about you, but I think I may need a cold drink...and a cigarette. And I dont even smoke. I blame the Wolf Among Us, Bigby has an bad influince on me. Also Episode 4 is as of this time of writing online. Go get it, it's really good! Then, as she wolfed down what had once been the greater part of a young man’s head, her body was racked by more uncontrollable spasms! She writhed and flopped over the cage, all movement out of her control as the by now rallied workers fired taser shot after taser shot through the cage door, each one making contact with her and sending powerful electric shocks through her body. A sound not dissimilar to that of a former Kenyan gamekeeper ejaculating emanated from the cage roof above, and as she spasmed on the floor she could feel a sticky, warm liquid trickle onto her from above. “OhhhhhhYEStheyshouldallbedestroyed!!” Muldoon groaned to himself as he shot his load through the hole in the cage roof and sank happily to his knees.There is nothing better than watching a man enjoy his work. We should have more of that going on these days, people in the 90's knew how to keep things interesting in their job envirement. As the workers continued to shock the velociraptor into submission a low rumbling noise was heard. “Oh, jolly good!” Muldoon thought to himself. “Sounds like the others are on their way”! Excitedly, he pulled his shorts back up and rallied the remaining workforce. “Come on you lot”, he declared, “one down… seven more to go”.
From that day forward, working for InGen didn’t seem nearly so bad…
THE END.
Damn Muldoon, I know it has been six months but seriously I doubt you could walk after that let alone go for six more rounds. Robert Muldoon people, class A American hero....from South Africa. And that is "Root her" ladies and gentlemen. It is an fantastic read filled with great plot twists, character arcs and so many layers of gender conflicts. And far better done than in Wheel of Time.... I'll see you guys later with a something more light, see you on the forums till then!
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on May 31, 2014 2:23:19 GMT 1
“GRKHLONNGGGGHKGFLFGLGLUMMMPH!!!!” Joffrey whispered seductively.
Best. Sentence. Ever.
|
|
|
Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 31, 2014 11:45:00 GMT 1
Wow... that's almost as bad as what I imagine "My Immortal" to be... though to be fair, at least I was able to get through the "Root Her" paragraphs in your review... mainly because you kept interjecting with hilarious comments... especially "That's how I felt when I met Misses Gorvar" and "Okay now I have to step in here. This guy is using my pick-up lines. True it only worked for the Misses but still I must protest sir!"I got so many laughs from the review, though, and props to you Gorvar, for being able to slip a Game of Thrones reference into an erotic Jurassic Park fic... And wow, I never thought I'd hear myself saying a sentence like that.
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 31, 2014 12:27:11 GMT 1
just when you thoight I ran out of Dinosaur things to review...i pull this up from the bottom of the internet. You are welcome. Also I made TWO references to GoT. Person who knows where i made the second one gets a cookie.
|
|
|
Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 31, 2014 13:27:47 GMT 1
I did see the reference to the Purple Wedding, and the "Sweet Summer Child" quote... also, "You Know Nothing"... so was that two references, with a third tied in to the second? Or three references?
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 31, 2014 13:45:05 GMT 1
Here you go, a whole box of dino cookies. BELGIAN dino cookies.
|
|
|
Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 31, 2014 13:47:56 GMT 1
Mmm, delicious...
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on May 31, 2014 22:13:35 GMT 1
The strangest thing about this one is that I'm sure I've read that story before.
Although knowing you I would assume it was you who told me about it, Gorvar!
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 31, 2014 23:06:23 GMT 1
I first heard bout this Fanfic from Bennet the Sage actually. It's been five years since then so when I was looking for something to review this thing came back to me.
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jul 12, 2014 17:00:15 GMT 1
None of yo' mothers know bout Digimon.
|
|
|
Post by Cali on Jul 20, 2014 20:55:46 GMT 1
Goddamn, the whole cast looks like they're pissed off as fuck!
|
|
|
Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jul 28, 2014 23:16:59 GMT 1
Funny story...YOU WONT SEE HALF OF THEM IN THE MOVIE!
STRAP ON TO YOUR JOHNIES(?) FOLKS, WE'RE GOING IN HARD!....IN A FEW DAYS!
Going to rewatch this with Misses Gorvar via Skype and see how nostalgia keeps up with it. Real talk, back in England me and the misses watched the first season of Digimon and it held up quite well. Nice character development, cool fight, stupid ass puns ( which i adore) and so forth. This movie....god, this movie....hooo boy. Trust me when I say "Pulp Fiction" or "Sin City" or any Nolan movie has a better continuity than this movie has. You gotta do your homework for the Digimon movie yo, if you wanna go have a nice time with the kids you can go sit at the Pokemon flicks with the other babies! .... Pokemon 3 is actually the hypest of ALL Pokemon movies and I suggest you all should watch it.
It has a kid flying on a flying dragon fighting a large dog from hell that can blow up buildings! SHIT'S HYPE!
|
|