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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 6, 2011 9:03:42 GMT 1
Self explanitory, post your reviews of my book here. I've been hard at work on the overlaying concept of the story for about four years now, and after about six drafts this is what I managed to pull out. Chapter updates will be weekly until it starts slowing down a bit, and all constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!
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Post by Cali on Aug 7, 2011 1:37:01 GMT 1
Cali here. What up aldebaran. Good to have you and your buddy on the site!
I don't know if you know this about me or not, but I'm a walloping sucker for original characters and original stories within the Mass Effect universe, so you can imagine how biased this review would be.
And yet I found a little more to this story than I was expecting. It was interesting, endearing, excellent prose (not much purple prose either, which is good), and basically sucked me in from the first sentence. Very good stuff, and I'm certainly interested to see where the plot goes from here. I'm not a fan of the first person perspective in writing, but it was completely ignorable due to the overall quality. The dream sequence especially felt very surreal in its own way.
The only negatives I have are pretty mundane. Stemming from goofs and mistakes regarding the Mass Effect codex.
1. There are no laser guns in Mass Effect (at least ones we don't know about). The only thing that really comes close are geth plasma weaponry, and not ubiquitous kinetic lasers present in Star Wars or Masters of the Universe. According to the codex, the firearms used fire very tiny chunks of metal which are chipped off a simple metal block and propelled faster than the speed of light, the ammunition being modified with the existing technology of the gun itself. HOWEVER, if the weapons the characters in your story were wielding were some sort of exotic/prototype weapons, then that's totally fine in my opinion. Though to be safe you should probably make sure you explain this later on.
2. Just remember, there is already a character of major (or medium) importance with the surname your OC has, that being Kelly Chambers. Whether or not this is intentional, coincidental, or passive to the fact, just keep it in mind. Would be pretty interesting to see if he's related to Kelly, though.
Keep em' coming Aldebaran! Consider A Ghost in Paradise to be on my watch list! Now on to read and review Tides...
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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 7, 2011 7:09:59 GMT 1
Hey Cali, thank you greatly for your review, I needed someone other than my colleague to affirm the qualities of the writing so I don't go crazy haha, and you did just that. Another plus is that I already knew about you, and you seem like a well-read individual with some great insight as a fellow writer. Sure, first person prose can be a little hard to get into, as you don't necessarily possess the perspective that I do as a narrator while writing, but I assure you that the quality does not diminish nor does the plot flatline, it actually takes off once he's planetside. I'm glad you only had menial critiques, it shows that my years of deep thinking about the story arc and content hasn't gone to waste: 1. Bioware and myself, for whatever reason, coincidentally dip into each other's ideas more than I'd like. I had Vash J Chambers as my main character right after I beat the first game only months after launch, it's simply a freak accident that Kelly was made in the 2nd game, and also works for Cerberus. I couldn't use my idea of Lazarus because of it, and my intro has a similarity to the 2nd game's out of bizarre happenstance. So in a nutshell, I'm either tying the two together or changing his last name, which sucks but eh, 2)The AIL is a completely self-made weapon I thought up for a special division of soldiers who do this kind of "airjump" tactic which comes into play later on, but you still caught me because I use the term lasers for some small arms weapons xD. I hate making adjectives for sci-fi projectiles, and where I'm well versed in the ME codex, that completely slipped my head, I just find it to fit the type of characteristics the projectiles in the game has, though the differences are vast. I'll have to toy with it, but until then, think of them as prototypes! Vash's new armor (you'll see it later in chapter 1) is also prototype and virtually everything he uses has been altered in some fashion, so I think it could go both ways. I know to some it may be a little too original but I try to blend my own ideas with ones already set in stone by Bioware, it gives me a different kind of creative outlet. But seriously thanks for the input. By the way, the rest of chapter one will be up tonight, and it heats up really fast, just think of the term "laser" as an ambiguous word for the sheared metal rounds, and if it's still awkward within the context of the game's universe, just try to roll with it
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Post by Cali on Aug 7, 2011 22:35:08 GMT 1
Read the last chapter. A good thing about this story is that you're leaving quite a bit unexplained but can still leave enough on the table to where we know what's going on and can possibly guess when the plot will pick up in the later unreleased chapters. Well done.
Very much appreciate your military savvy. It's sort of a pet peeve of mine when writers know little about military hierarchy, terminology, simple tactics, or basic jargon. Everything about this squad as well as the enemy you were writing about felt very attached and fit, right down to the proper knowledge of Alliance ranking.
A side note unrelated to the story itself: it's becoming more and more evident that you may not hail from the United States or Canada due to your use of British idioms, slang, and expressions. Also by the time you posted the next chapter, you're probably from the Australian timezone, is that correct? Just curious, considering that I have some pals who live in Brisbane.
Also where do you know me from, Aldebaran? Fanfiction.net? I'm curious. :]
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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 8, 2011 6:02:42 GMT 1
Ah, thank you so much Cali! That was a larger excerpt of chapter 1 and I decided that I'd cut it off at a suspenseful moment, the rest of the battle will be up tomorrow, and then all of chapter 2- the most chaotic chapter I've written so far- will be up for grabs in a few days.
In all honesty, I'm a college student living in New York, right now I'm on vacation in California which probably clears up some time zone discrepancies, but still no harm done. When I studied literature in highschool and my freshman year, it was a broad spectrum of books from all around the world, and I took my experience with them and infused it into my writing style for this book.
Also, to be blunt about it, I'm a novice writer and haven't finished a piece of work since I was 13, so these positive reviews give me a lot of much needed confidence.
Always a pleasure, Alde
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Post by Cali on Aug 8, 2011 6:17:08 GMT 1
Er, you didn't answer the question I asked you about you knowing of me. Bah, doesn't matter.
Anyway, you being a New Yorker makes sense. I hail from the Bible belt and often use British expressions (without the accent) and even a little slang. This is probably because I'm so exposed to the literature of the Brits that I simply can't help it.
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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 8, 2011 6:33:05 GMT 1
It's been a long day haha, you were one of the more prominent members of this site while I was scanning the material and seeing if it was worth posting my own, so it wasn't as much of a surprise when you posted a review. Regardless, it's all appreciated.
Kinda funny, isn't it? The idioms and phrases that have that quality to it I don't even realize it seems a little more on the international side.
By the way (and this may be a dumb question), do you have any work of your own? I'd love to read it
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Post by Cali on Aug 8, 2011 18:47:08 GMT 1
Hey, come on. Everybody likes British slang and idioms. Anyway, yes I do have a 21 chapter (as of now) story which I've been working on for six months, titled Cyan Steel, focusing on original characters and a new story arc, taking place six years before the original Mass Effect. I have it posted here on the forum as well as on fanfiction.net. The one here has several links of recommended music from movies, other video games and artists (all which are supposed to fit with Mass Effect's soundtrack as much as possible, also no lyrics). Listening to them is not mandatory, and if the constant links get on your nerves, you can go to the ff.net version. Keep in mind that this one has its flaws too, as the formatting is messed up on a few chapters. masseffectfanfic.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fanfic&action=display&thread=922&page=1www.fanfiction.net/s/6875169/1/Mass_Effect_Cyan_Steel
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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 8, 2011 22:54:09 GMT 1
Don't get me wrong, I love it haha. So I took a quick glance at your work (sorry I don't have time to read until I get back to the house tonight), and I have to digress for a second to point something out... we're both marathon fans That excites me because I've actually gleaned a lot of inspiration from the series and have been playing them since I was 4, so it's nice to see a fellow fan of multiple games. The music is a wonderful touch and your prose is phenomenal compared to much of the stuff on here, and I'll read a lot of it tonight, it's quite interesting to put it mildly, and I can't wait to get into it! By the way, chapter 1 has been wrapped up accordingly, take a look! A little short, but it's getting closer and closer to some climactic battle scenes.
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Post by Cali on Aug 9, 2011 4:43:13 GMT 1
Aha! Thought the entire time I would spend wandering the internet I'd never find another Marathon fan! Good to meet another fan! What I appreciated about Marathon was the sense of isolation it gave you: that you were actually several lightyears away from everybody else with a few guns strapped to your person and a shitload of Phfor and S'phit after you as you made your way through the corridors of a gargantuan ship fighting off alien borders and tried to keep yourself and the rest of the crew alive. I've played Marathon 2: Durandal as well which is better in many ways.
Also another good chapter. I'm starting to think that Vash may be older than it would seem. Possibly a hero from the First Contact war that Cerberus revived?
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Post by Aldebaran on Aug 9, 2011 8:40:04 GMT 1
I feel the exact same way Cali. Also if you play the entire trilogy by the last terminal you're practically shitting your pants because of how profoundly amazing the story is, all on a platform from the early nineties. I swear it'll always be "the game that doesn't die." It was mac only, but the final bungie-made Marathon called Infinity was comparable to the second. But I agree, going groundside was definitely a break from the norm.
Actually, Vash is 25, since he's one of the most powerful "normal" humans in the galaxy in terms of biotics, he could kill a man almost without moving a finger by fourteen so obviously he was inducted into service exceptionally early. He is, however, wise beyond his years, just wait until a glimpse of his service record flashes up.
And as much as I'd like to tell you what's happening, I cannot, all I can truly say is that there is more going on here than meets the eye.
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Post by Cali on Aug 22, 2011 23:36:28 GMT 1
Finished the last chapters. Very good stuff, my man. The action was very well paced.
The only thing I'm worried about is the fact that everybody in the detail (including Vash) is simultaneously a combat, biotic and some sort of tech expert. Should probably find some way to justify that.
Keep em' coming, regardless. I'm your reader.
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Post by Aldebaran on Sept 2, 2011 1:07:37 GMT 1
Thanks a lot guys, appreciate the continued support and encouragement. Cali, thanks for keeping up. I know diving into a full fledged book isn't easy but if you don't get anything out of it then I'll be damned haha. About the specializations, "The Four" are essentially supersoldiers in every way. In a real life situation, there is no combat, tech, or biotic path that binds you to a specific thing. They simply exist and you could excel at any of them, or all three. Any soldier will have combat, i.e a biotic in light armor could wield a minigun, why not? Not trying to defend myself radically, but my book transcends the game's limiting fundamentals, hence why I'm writing an original piece to begin with. Being very powerful warriors, these four specialize in one aspect of tech, and their remarkable biotic strength are why they are The Four to begin with, and not integrated into some BlackOps or special forces battalion. They are the Alliance's forgotten posterchildren, the unspoken defenders of humanity, so they're good at what they do:P Then with CTeam 7 (but still maintaining the combat mentality), only Casz is a biotic (after Amory's demise), and you can sit back and watch as everyone else too falls into their niche Regardless... always lovin' the feedback, keep it coming! Chapter 4 this weekend. Cheers.
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Post by Cali on Sept 12, 2011 22:41:55 GMT 1
Sorry that I couldn't respond sooner. Another good chapter.
The segment where Vash accessed the AI terminal was very Marathon, or System Shock in tone, and I liked it. Can't wait to see how the story picks up once he's planetside.
Only thing I didn't like about it: The encounter with the asari seemed rather anti-climactic, but I can't seem to put my finger on why. Maybe I need to read that part again.
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Post by Aldebaran on Oct 29, 2011 8:01:49 GMT 1
thanks as always for the input Cali, sorry things have been getting real slow around here with school miring me down. I have the next chapter out and a teaser for the next, but it may be a time before I get any new content out. and about the asari fight; you're definitely right and I've tweaked it a little, but for the most part it's anticlimactic for a reason;)
p.s. I've been meaning to read your Cyan Steel original, I've only scratched the surface but I'm interested and plan on reading the rest!
Alde
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