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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 24, 2013 21:09:16 GMT 1
This is turning into my favourite thread ever.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jul 24, 2013 21:31:56 GMT 1
Beter then Fellowship of the Blue Lady?
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Post by Cali on Jul 24, 2013 21:48:30 GMT 1
Nick Fury attempts to recruit Donnie Darko
IN; DONNIE's house. NICK FURY walking down the hall to open the door to DONNIE's room.
NICK FURY: Mr. Darko, my name is Nick Fury, Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Div-div-is.... ion....
(Looks at the wreckage inside his room, a plane's jet engine piled on top of DONNIE's bed, the limbs of his deceased corpse sticking out limply).
FURY: (Pulling out a notepad and crossing a line off) Well, looks like I'll have to get in touch with the McFlys after all for a time travel expert.
(ROSE AND EDDIE DARKO walk into the room to look in horror at the tragedy that has befallen their son, NICK FURY looks back to them, his glances cycling between the parents and the scene of the accident).
FURY: Don't look at me I ain't got nothin' to do with this. (FURY passes by them and walks out)
___________________________
Donnie Darko will NOT be returning in The Avengers 2
Man I could write these all week...
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Jul 24, 2013 23:04:56 GMT 1
Wow - these are all awesome, I really liked the "Lizbet Salander" one, though they are all awesome...
But I have to say - Mister Buch - your "Hamlet" entry blew my mind! That was just... amazing! My reaction to reading the first lines by Hamlet was along the lines of "Holy shite, Buch can write Shakespearean style!"
Can you do the same again, but with Macbeth, or Othello? Please?? 'Cus that would be fantastic!
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 0:43:57 GMT 1
Well smeg, I can try I guess! They'd probably be very similar to this one though. Thanks a lot for the compliment but I'm sure Shakespeare rolled in his grave. I'll give Macbeth a try if I feel like trying to show off again. And Gorvar - Fellowship of the Blue Lady is also my favourite thread, good point. xD I also like Pet Hates a lot, and the hidden swimming pool.
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 1:26:53 GMT 1
The post-credits scene from "Army of Darkness"
After the credits, we FADE IN to the S-Mart stock room, where the heroic and disheveled ASH WILLIAMS is cuddling in the afterglow of some heroic and extremely disheveled sex with the salesgirl he rescued, with their modesty covered by a pile of large canvas grocery bags.
SALESGIRL: Wow, I hope you wrote 'em down...
ASH: No need, baby. I got 'em memorised, chanted 'em off first time, you know how it is. Klaatu, Beradda, Nixon, whatever. 'Course it didn't help much since the legions of hell got summoned anyway... for some reason. I mean I said the words pretty much. I guess they were just hungry for some chainsaw. And I was the master chef in those parts, honey. The master chef of chainsaw. With a side of death.
SALESGIRL: Wow...
ASH: Yeah, that's about the only word for it.
Suddenly, the door crashes open. The SALESGIRL screams as ASH leaps to his feet and in a second has his chainsaw-arm buzzing and his rifle spun and pointed straight. ASH clenches his mighty chin.
ASH: Time for desert.
The figure who opened the door calmly wades through the mess the couple have made. It is NICK FURY. ASH lowers his weapons.
ASH: The hell are you?
FURY: I wanted to ask you about some work.
ASH: Customer Inquiries, back of aisle six, ask for Ted.
FURY: Not what I had in mind. I'm from Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division. Name's Fury.
ASH: Well hello, Mister Fancy Pants. Mine's Pissed-Off. Stick around and you'll find out what my middle name is. Look pal, I don't need another quest, all right? What I need and lemme promise you, what I deserve after the last few days, is a long week of selling sporting goods!
SALESGIRL: Well that doesn't sound like a King...
ASH: And you don't look like a Princess, sweetheart!
The SALESGIRL contorts her face in rage, and her eyes turn milky white. In a flash she transforms into a hideous DEADITE and shrieks in murderous glee! ASH shrieks too as he leaps up, holding his rifle between his legs and waving the chainsaw haphazardly.
ASH: Ah, hey baby, c'mon, I was talking about those horse-faced British Princesses! You know, the ones with the gums made outta cinderblock and- aah!
The DEADITE lunges at ASH with sharp claws.
DEADITE: JOIN USSSSSS!
FURY pulls out a pistol and gives ASH a look.
FURY (angry, sarcastic): I'm sorry, has the King left the building?
ASH (pause): Not yet, pal.
DEADITE: YOU'LL BE DEAD BY DAWN! DEAD BY DAWN! DEAD BY DAWN!!
ASH: Well then honey, you're gonna have a long night.
The DEADITE charges them. In unison, ASH and FURY aim and fire their guns, blasting the monster's head into plasticine smithereens.
FURY: Your shift just started, Williams.
ASH spins the rifle around by the trigger, grabs it, cocks it and stares dangerously ahead.
ASH: Groovy.
FURY: You know where to reach me, okay? SHIELD. Strategic Homeland...
ASH: All right, all right, I know the damn name!
FURY nods, turns and strides away.
ASH: Strategic... uh, Hometown.... ah, hell. Intelligence... Enrichment?
--
ASH WILLIAMS WILL RETURN IN THE AVENGERS 2 (hopefully)
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 1:55:33 GMT 1
The post-credits scene from Monty Python's Life of Brian
We slowly FADE BACK IN to the hill of crucifixes as the sun rises the next morning. BRIAN's cross is in the middle. His head lolls to one side and his face depicts pain, compassion and intense irritation. We see him slowly and gingerly open his eyes as he observes a strange figure making his way through the heat towards him. As he draws closer we recognise him as NICK FURY.
FURY: People called Romanes, they go to the house? Those are some strong words, friend.
BRIAN: No... no, it was 'Romans go home'.
FURY: No it wasn't.
BRIAN: It sodding well was, I wrote it a hundred times!
FURY: Conjugate the verb to go...
BRIAN: Please shut up. I've had a hard day!
FURY: Hm. Well, never mind. Far be it from me to correct the Messiah. It's an honour to meet you, Brian of Nazareth. I'm Nick Fury, Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcement and Logistics Division of Judea. (Officials.)
BRIAN (weak): I'm not the bloody Messiah...
FURY: Everyone says you are.
BRIAN: Who sent you?
FURY: The Popular Front... I think. Lord of Heaven, son of Jehovah, please accept my humility on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.
FURY removes one of his shoes, kneels and presents BRIAN with a gourd.
BRIAN: Oh bloody hell...
FURY: Something wrong?
BRIAN: I'm not a demigod! I'm NOT, I promise!
FURY: I say you are, Lord, and I should know - I've known a few.
BRIAN: Look will you please just either cut me down or go away?
FURY: I'm here to ask for your help. I understand that after your death you will ascend to Heaven and then return in three days time. A force from another world is massing and will be on our doorstep in four. We need you.
BRIAN: I'm NOT the Messiah! Honestly!
FURY: This must be a test of my faith. I understand. I'll repay your wisdom with trust, Brian. I'll be waiting.
BRIAN: Where are you going?!
FURY: To your burial cave.
BRIAN: LOOK, you passed the test! Please cut me down!
FURY: You mean you ARE the one I'm looking for?
BRIAN: Yes I'm the Lord God made flesh, now cut me the fuck down!
FURY: Don't worry, Brian - I believe you. The Avengers believe in you, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes salute you. I'll be ready with the information you'll need in three days. I can't wait for you to meet Thor...
FURY walks away on one shoe as BRIAN, drained and defeated, looks on.
BRIAN: You silly sod.
--
BRIAN OF NAZARETH WILL.... PROBABLY NOT RETURN IN THE AVENGERS 2!
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Post by Cali on Jul 25, 2013 2:11:12 GMT 1
Buch... I have no idea how the hell you do it, but you do.
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 3:28:34 GMT 1
By request!
The Post-Credits Scene From Macbeth
We open on a messy but high-tech lab in TONY STARK's basement. TONY is peering carefully at a human head which he has attached to complex, life-restoring apparatus, powered by the miniature arc reactor at its centre.
TONY: Well how 'bout that. It's alive. Y'all right? Can you hear me?
TONY taps the side of the apparatus with a pen. As the disembodied man opens his eyes we realise it is MACBETH, former King of Scotland!
TONY: Okay, vitals are good. Is the reactor gonna hold up or do I have to drop fish food on him every day?
JARVIS (V/O): All bodily systems are self-sustainable for approximately eighty-three years, sir.
TONY: And he looks so happy.
MACBETH: I should have died thereafter.
TONY: Yeah. You didn't.
MACBETH: Thy face is clean. I think thou art a fool to gaze on hag-rid tyrant's longing thus. Where be thy widow's creases, battled blood daubed onto scars as water's warning call? All men in Scotland fair are drowning now, in bubbled rivers cycled, dyed as blue. This wretch, sirrah, was Thane and King and man but none 'fore jagged crown e'er tasted sun. Macbeth of Glamis, I, who slew in pride 'til storied lives fell short and could not lie. Upon a call by weirdest sisters I fell and strutted gravely to the Earth and Hell. King Duncan's slayer I, and Banquo's curse, Damacles bane of men unsoiled and old, I was for seconds Perdition's hated jest atop that sea of souls that ne'er shall rest. The seed of Banquo bold and strong will fail and by my bed fresh devils wait their turn-
TONY: Hey! 'Scuse me, Game of Thrones? I'm still catching up on season two, so if you could verily shut your trap? Kay.
MACBETH: There is no wisdom to't. Nothing served, nothing earned.
TONY: Uh-huh. Now say 'Ah'.
MACBETH: Ahhhhhhh
TONY examines MACBETH's mouth.
TONY: Good, now say 'Strawberry ice-cream and sprinkles'.
MACBETH: S.... strawberry ice cream. And sprinkles.
TONY: Heh, thanks. That was just for me, but I appreciate the inflection.
NICK FURY enters the room and appraises MACBETH.
MACBETH: Is this... the remake of Shaft I see before me?!
FURY: Close, but not quite. I'm Nick Fury, director of SHIELD. Hail Macbeth, Thane of Cawdor!
MACBETH: 'Tis true and yet these honours mock my name as Macbeth's hands mock virtue's passioned plays.
FURY: I'm not sure how much our friend here has told you, but I'm here with a proposal. The Avengers Initiative.
MACBETH: Strange creatures wait by war-torn fresh-tombed mud with promis'd glories, heart and soundless blade. The hags' amusement reigns and floods anew. Macbeth would follow vengeance-bound and fail.
FURY: Yeah, I get it. You got red in your ledger and maybe you'd like to wipe it out. I've heard that one. But right now we need all the help we can get, and frankly we could use someone who's used to getting his hands dirty, you know? Think it over.
FURY drops a dossier at MACBETH's neck and strides out.
MACBETH: Life's but a spinner of sequels, a cruel teaser sated still to weave its listless summers 'til thickest thread frays dry as lead, decay'd dust to a ground of more dormant years. It begins and begins 'til vigour of man and war and woman's urging lie spent and children dream no more. Full of SHIELD and Fury, signifying nothing.
TONY: Kinda bumming me out now, pal.
TONY drops a towel over MACBETH's head.
MACBETH WILL RETURN IN THE AVENGERS 2!
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Jul 25, 2013 3:53:05 GMT 1
Yay! Thank you, Mister Buch! That was awesome! I wish I had your writing talents...
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 12:39:43 GMT 1
Thanks, but you really are too kind. And you write well yourself!
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Jul 25, 2013 18:50:42 GMT 1
I've tried writing in script format the way you did for these Avengers Bits, and for Mock Effect, and I can't seem to make it sound good at all - script format is hard, and I think it's because I am very descriptive in my story-telling... and not as much dialogue... but when I try to write like you, it comes out terrible.
And I love reading pretty much everything you write.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jul 25, 2013 19:06:23 GMT 1
The Army of thr Dead one was amazing! Also you nailed Tony will in Macbeth!
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Post by Mister Buch on Jul 25, 2013 20:10:23 GMT 1
Very kind, thanks all. You always write good when you're having fun, I think. And as for scripts, I guess I'm used to them since I read a lot of them growing up.
I'd be interested to see more prose ones though! And if anybody feels like a challenge I had ideas that I couldn't think of anything for - There Will Be Blood, Bill & Ted, and A Christmas Carol. ;D
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jul 25, 2013 20:27:23 GMT 1
Bill and Ted is mine.
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