|
Post by Mister Buch on Apr 19, 2009 14:44:54 GMT 1
I enjoyed this. Great title, first of all. I like that scene in the game very much and I always wanted a backstory to explain that 'little wing' thing.
I like your descriptions of things - the 'large, childish eyes' in particular was very good, and I liked the way you got into Benezia's head, remembering the Thessian mountains and Saren's commands. It was nice, and I wonder what the main story will be about.
Here's my criticism - it could use a good proof-read. Sometimes the tense switches from past tense to present, which is confusing, and there are grammar errors and things. It's a good story (so far a good and original interpretation of Benezia's death), but these mistakes will really put people off reading it. I would reccomend having another draft, just for tense and grammar.
And the white knuckles showing through azure skin - that was another nice bit of imagery.
|
|
|
Post by Tillian Panthesis on Apr 19, 2009 15:13:25 GMT 1
Yes, you right, my grammar is not the strongest point in my writing skills (due to coming from a family that is not having English as first language.) I'm re-learning the English language at this time when I'm writing. I do need a secondary reader at times for proof reading or a beta reader.
Apart from that, glad you like it. I'll continue the progression of the first chapter, hoping it will finish soon as long uni is not in my way.
(And speaking of that, since Little Wing is littered with errors you might want to skip "The Human Flock" temporary since it might have loaded more errors than you could poke a stick at.)
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on Apr 19, 2009 16:15:01 GMT 1
Oh I see English is not your first language? Yes that makes sense because the story itself is good. I get very very fussy about grammar and spelling and things like that, so I hope I didn't sound like I was having a go.
Honestly, though, that won't stop me reading now that I have started, and I doubt it will stop me reading the Human Flock either.
|
|
|
Post by Tillian Panthesis on Apr 19, 2009 16:46:12 GMT 1
Nah, it's fine Mr. Buch. I've prefer constructive criticisms over either lack of responses or worse, blind constructive praise. Besides they say a constructive criticism worth a gold of wisdom or something along the lines like that, so a good criticism helps out to improve your skills in the long run.
As for the English language, I do understand the language well but unfortunately when I've was raised, my parents spoke in Vietnamese tongue, so I've learn the Vietnamese language first before I've adapted to the English language when I've started my education as a kid.
As for the Human Flock, I can see why I didn't get any responses from ff.net. Guess I need to re-look at it again to fix up errors. Speaking of that, I hope I didn't step out of the line for the backstory since I've kinda added a few unusual embellishment to the story...
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on Apr 19, 2009 20:08:27 GMT 1
I'll be looking forward to Little Wing, as Liara is a real favourite character of mine. Just about fell in love with her when I played my second game. And there's nothing wrong with changing details of the official backstory, if that's your thing. Your story, your rules.
|
|
|
Post by Tillian Panthesis on Apr 29, 2009 13:50:21 GMT 1
So far I've finished a brief outline of the story, I'm in the middle of chapter one but due to Uni continuously bombarding at me with assignments at my door step (sigh, the excuse to get ready into the real world of game design >.>) the progression for both of the fictions are going to be a little longer than I thought.
Sorry to bother you this time Mister Buch but atm I don't have a Beta reader. I hope you don't mind if I could ask your permission to beta read my writing. I know a big ask due to time and too many words I've put in. You don't have to if you don't want to.
In the mean time while I'm fight off hordes of hw, I'll continue to improve my gramma.
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on Apr 29, 2009 13:58:15 GMT 1
Hey Tillian,
I feel like a real git now for going on about the English grammar and everything, to you and Caveman.
I do have quite limited time, but I really did like the prologue for Little Wing. Also, I've never been asked to Beta read before, and I feel like we get on pretty well here!
So yes, I'd be glad to. Sounds like fun. My email address is on my profile here or if you like you can contact me by PM on this site.
So I don't have anything to do this afternoon. If you like I will read the prologue again, fix all the stuff I moaned about and offer some opinions about what your strengths are, what could be improved and things like that?
|
|
|
Post by Tillian Panthesis on Apr 29, 2009 14:26:44 GMT 1
It's ok Buch, you're not a git. I'll be honoured to send you my draft of the prologue I've still saved in my laptop, through via e-mail. I'll send it to you when I'm switching over from my desktop tonight.
|
|