Post by Mister Buch on Oct 30, 2010 2:33:45 GMT 1
It's time once again for Buch's Halloween Horror Movie Education Programme.
Every October for the past few years, I've tried to 'catch' up on classic horror movies I've never seen.
As a boy I was always too scared to watch horror films. One year I manned-up enough to watch Blair Witch, and really loved it. Then I saw The Exorcist, and it was all over. The movie was so good that every October since, I've watched a slew of horrors I missed out on the first time.
Last year I got nine. And I wittered on about the movies I saw on this forum xD
masseffectfanfic.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=film&thread=380&page=1
--
Here's my report from this October's catching-up:
IT / Stephen King's IT (1990)
Tag! Stephen King's it! I remember seeing tiny bits of this miniseries as a little boy and being terrified. And everyone I've ever talked to about horror movies has always said, 'And of course, IT was horrifying! I hate clowns!' So I watched this one first, expecting to be completely freaked out.
Sadly, it didn't scare me at all. A mysterious magical killer clown sounds like a great idea... but it was Tim Curry! I love him. And the hero was John Boy from The Waltons, playing a horror author who dresses exactly like Stephen King. And Pennywise never actually killed one of the heroes until they literally threw themselves onto him. It's just Tim Curry making 'boo' faces at John Boy, cosplaying as Stephen King. Four hours. I passed the time making silly references to 'Rocky Horror' and 'Clue' that no-one heard.
Oh and the ending was awful. I just shook my head and stared at that thing.
Two severed-head-insult-comics out of five.
I've never read any King - one year I ought to catch up with some of his classic books. This year I have tried to get a few of his (horror) films in. I sincerely hoped his other entries are better!
--
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Again, I have memories of being scared by this one as a boy, and it has a certain gravitas.
Again, I was disappointed! After this one I was starting to lose hope. I guess this is another of those films that everyone remembers as being better than it is! I've never seen such a dull group of protagonists. The last act, with all the chainsawing and the tension - that was good. But bloody hell the survivor-girl's screaming got really annoying after a while! I was bored, then slightly creeped out (in a bad way), then finally on edge. The last ten minutes or so were amazing! It seemed to get better all the time, but much too slowly.
Three meat hooks out of five.
--
Psycho (1960)
After watching the last two famous icons of horror sadden me, I decided to just go for it and let the ultimate slasher movie turn out to be rubbish as well. 'Here we go', I mutterred, 'at least after this I couldn't be more let-down.'
It was fantastic! I absolutely loved this one. I was kinda aware of the famous twist, but I honestly didn't know certain bits of it, so there was still a little bit of surprise for me in that famous moment at the end.
Take heed, IT and Texas Chainsaw: I cared about the characters. I would have been perfectly happy if Janet Leigh and her stolen money had gone on to be the main plot of the movie. The 'shower scene' was truly frightening - unsettling, sudden, surprising and shocking. Still scary, even now when I knew exactly what was coming, note for note, frame for frame. Still made me actually shiver and look behind me.
Absolutely brilliant. Except for that bizarre scene at the end, just after the audience has finished figuring out all the twists, when this random smug psychiatrist we've never seen before appears and painstakingly explains the entire plot... which we just finished figuring out. What the hell was that about, greatest director of all time? That was terrible!
Four and a half terrible psychiatrist scenes out of five.
-
Don't Look Now (1973)
This seemed like more of an art-film than a horror at times. I can't say I fully understood it (even after spending ages reading about it afterwards in hopes of getting more insight - the mark of a good film) and the jumpy-shock moment at the end seemed almost silly. Nonetheless, that same moment completely caught me off-guard... and yes, made me jump.
This is the film where Donald Sutherland and his English wife go to Venice (a great choice of setting for a cluastrophobic movie about alienation, and drowning!) but find themselves seeing glimpses of their dead daughter and their very grim near-future. Wonderful uses of themes and subtle visual clues, the bizarrely graphic Donald Sutherland sex scene, all around an impressive film. I have no idea why it's called 'Don't Look Now'. Seriously, that title could have picked at random for all I know. I spent ages trying to guess what that title means. No idea.
Three and a half pasty Donald Sutherland buttocks out of five.
-
Let the Right One In (2008)
I had no idea that there was an imminent American remake when I watched this. Just like I happenned to read Watchmen just before the movie was announced - I have a habit of picking these things up just in time to be snobbish about the remake.
So this is a Swedish drama film in a horror setting - about a dark, dark boy who is bullied and a vampire who became immortal and monstrous when she was a little girl. They meet up, have the most confusing, unsettling and strangely-beauiful almost-relationship, and then she kills some people and has to move on. It's the most non-judgmental depiction of a vampire I've ever seen - and even though it sometimes seemed to be going nowhere, as if 'nothing was happenning', I loved the nuances of these two characters and the strange, crisp, emotioanlly-muffled world they were both stuck in. It's like child-vampire Lost in Translation!
But here's the kicker. I have no idea why it's called Let the Right One In! Again!! I'm guessing it's some kind of translation mistake. The US title 'Let Me In' makes a lot more sense.
Three and a half Blanka head-bites out of five.
-
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)
Not to be confused with all those other human centipede films. This is the first sequence, see.
Another very recent one for my Programme, I watched this purely because of its notoriety as the most disgusting horror premise. Roger Ebert refused to rate the film in his review, while gore-hounds flocked to it. I'll explain it now - and this is a very ugly sentence so be ready: this is a film about a mad doctor who sews three people together, mouth to anus, and makes them crawl around as if they are a dog with six legs.
Yep. And that's why I watched it. I was hoping to either be appalled like Ebert, or smugly amused by its stupidity, like the smug, smug man I am.
Sadly, I didn't get either of those reactions. It was just boring, well-shot, a bit creepy and surprisingly tame. Yes, the premise itself if disgusting. But once you've got over the basic idea of the film, it has no power to scare or appall you. You're just watching and thinking 'why am I still watching this... how do they turn around... why has the mad doctor chosen to protect their modesty with clean, white underwear?'
The acting was another surprise - really good. For some reason, every review I read praises the awesomely-named Dieter Laser as the doctor. I disagree - he hammed it up - but Akihiro Kitamura was the real star, as the front-end of the centipede. Seriously, really well-played.
Two unintentionally-hilarious medical diagrams out of five.
The best part of this movie is the back cover. It awkwardly tries to explain the premise, then has this to say...
"The Human Centipede was inspired by a conversation about appropriate punishments for convicted pedophiles, and is 100% medically accurate."
..... what? It... what? First of all, a centipede does not have six legs, so bang goes the accuracy right there! Second, what the hell must that conversation have been like?!?
[Scene: Crowded pub, evening. It is autumn in 2007. Two creepy, creepy men drink pints.]
Film-director: Tell me, what do you think would be an appropriate punishment for convicted pedophiles?
Screen-writer: Well, I don't know about you, but I think we should turn them into human centipedes.
Director: What is that, some kind of animal mutation, like in Ninja Turtles?
Writer: No, no. Don't be silly. I mean have a mad doctor sew them together via the digestive system, in threes. Like a centipede, you know. Well... an ant, technichally. But you get the idea.
Director: Interesting. I find your views a little extreme... but that would make one hell of a movie!
Writer: Good idea!
Director: But wait... no-one will want to see a movie about pedophiles.
Writer: Hmmmmm. What if we make the doctor the villain?
Director: But I thought you were in favour of this centipede thing?
Writer: Yes, very much so. I'll send you my petition. But our twist is: the victims are innocent, pretty American girls. And the villain is an insane German scientest!
Director: German scientist?
Writer: Javol.
Director: Genius! Let's drink more and discuss the medical details! I want this thing to be 100% medically accurate.
Writer: Why?
Director: Drink!!!
-----
Okay that's enough about The Human Centipede. The short version is, I found the back cover much more frightening and entertaining than the film itself!
I watched another five or so movies this year, and I still have a couple to go- but I've typed much, much too much already. I'll add the rest, hopefully in shorter reviews, later! Thank you for humouring me
Every October for the past few years, I've tried to 'catch' up on classic horror movies I've never seen.
As a boy I was always too scared to watch horror films. One year I manned-up enough to watch Blair Witch, and really loved it. Then I saw The Exorcist, and it was all over. The movie was so good that every October since, I've watched a slew of horrors I missed out on the first time.
Last year I got nine. And I wittered on about the movies I saw on this forum xD
masseffectfanfic.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=film&thread=380&page=1
--
Here's my report from this October's catching-up:
IT / Stephen King's IT (1990)
Tag! Stephen King's it! I remember seeing tiny bits of this miniseries as a little boy and being terrified. And everyone I've ever talked to about horror movies has always said, 'And of course, IT was horrifying! I hate clowns!' So I watched this one first, expecting to be completely freaked out.
Sadly, it didn't scare me at all. A mysterious magical killer clown sounds like a great idea... but it was Tim Curry! I love him. And the hero was John Boy from The Waltons, playing a horror author who dresses exactly like Stephen King. And Pennywise never actually killed one of the heroes until they literally threw themselves onto him. It's just Tim Curry making 'boo' faces at John Boy, cosplaying as Stephen King. Four hours. I passed the time making silly references to 'Rocky Horror' and 'Clue' that no-one heard.
Oh and the ending was awful. I just shook my head and stared at that thing.
Two severed-head-insult-comics out of five.
I've never read any King - one year I ought to catch up with some of his classic books. This year I have tried to get a few of his (horror) films in. I sincerely hoped his other entries are better!
--
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
Again, I have memories of being scared by this one as a boy, and it has a certain gravitas.
Again, I was disappointed! After this one I was starting to lose hope. I guess this is another of those films that everyone remembers as being better than it is! I've never seen such a dull group of protagonists. The last act, with all the chainsawing and the tension - that was good. But bloody hell the survivor-girl's screaming got really annoying after a while! I was bored, then slightly creeped out (in a bad way), then finally on edge. The last ten minutes or so were amazing! It seemed to get better all the time, but much too slowly.
Three meat hooks out of five.
--
Psycho (1960)
After watching the last two famous icons of horror sadden me, I decided to just go for it and let the ultimate slasher movie turn out to be rubbish as well. 'Here we go', I mutterred, 'at least after this I couldn't be more let-down.'
It was fantastic! I absolutely loved this one. I was kinda aware of the famous twist, but I honestly didn't know certain bits of it, so there was still a little bit of surprise for me in that famous moment at the end.
Take heed, IT and Texas Chainsaw: I cared about the characters. I would have been perfectly happy if Janet Leigh and her stolen money had gone on to be the main plot of the movie. The 'shower scene' was truly frightening - unsettling, sudden, surprising and shocking. Still scary, even now when I knew exactly what was coming, note for note, frame for frame. Still made me actually shiver and look behind me.
Absolutely brilliant. Except for that bizarre scene at the end, just after the audience has finished figuring out all the twists, when this random smug psychiatrist we've never seen before appears and painstakingly explains the entire plot... which we just finished figuring out. What the hell was that about, greatest director of all time? That was terrible!
Four and a half terrible psychiatrist scenes out of five.
-
Don't Look Now (1973)
This seemed like more of an art-film than a horror at times. I can't say I fully understood it (even after spending ages reading about it afterwards in hopes of getting more insight - the mark of a good film) and the jumpy-shock moment at the end seemed almost silly. Nonetheless, that same moment completely caught me off-guard... and yes, made me jump.
This is the film where Donald Sutherland and his English wife go to Venice (a great choice of setting for a cluastrophobic movie about alienation, and drowning!) but find themselves seeing glimpses of their dead daughter and their very grim near-future. Wonderful uses of themes and subtle visual clues, the bizarrely graphic Donald Sutherland sex scene, all around an impressive film. I have no idea why it's called 'Don't Look Now'. Seriously, that title could have picked at random for all I know. I spent ages trying to guess what that title means. No idea.
Three and a half pasty Donald Sutherland buttocks out of five.
-
Let the Right One In (2008)
I had no idea that there was an imminent American remake when I watched this. Just like I happenned to read Watchmen just before the movie was announced - I have a habit of picking these things up just in time to be snobbish about the remake.
So this is a Swedish drama film in a horror setting - about a dark, dark boy who is bullied and a vampire who became immortal and monstrous when she was a little girl. They meet up, have the most confusing, unsettling and strangely-beauiful almost-relationship, and then she kills some people and has to move on. It's the most non-judgmental depiction of a vampire I've ever seen - and even though it sometimes seemed to be going nowhere, as if 'nothing was happenning', I loved the nuances of these two characters and the strange, crisp, emotioanlly-muffled world they were both stuck in. It's like child-vampire Lost in Translation!
But here's the kicker. I have no idea why it's called Let the Right One In! Again!! I'm guessing it's some kind of translation mistake. The US title 'Let Me In' makes a lot more sense.
Three and a half Blanka head-bites out of five.
-
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)
Not to be confused with all those other human centipede films. This is the first sequence, see.
Another very recent one for my Programme, I watched this purely because of its notoriety as the most disgusting horror premise. Roger Ebert refused to rate the film in his review, while gore-hounds flocked to it. I'll explain it now - and this is a very ugly sentence so be ready: this is a film about a mad doctor who sews three people together, mouth to anus, and makes them crawl around as if they are a dog with six legs.
Yep. And that's why I watched it. I was hoping to either be appalled like Ebert, or smugly amused by its stupidity, like the smug, smug man I am.
Sadly, I didn't get either of those reactions. It was just boring, well-shot, a bit creepy and surprisingly tame. Yes, the premise itself if disgusting. But once you've got over the basic idea of the film, it has no power to scare or appall you. You're just watching and thinking 'why am I still watching this... how do they turn around... why has the mad doctor chosen to protect their modesty with clean, white underwear?'
The acting was another surprise - really good. For some reason, every review I read praises the awesomely-named Dieter Laser as the doctor. I disagree - he hammed it up - but Akihiro Kitamura was the real star, as the front-end of the centipede. Seriously, really well-played.
Two unintentionally-hilarious medical diagrams out of five.
The best part of this movie is the back cover. It awkwardly tries to explain the premise, then has this to say...
"The Human Centipede was inspired by a conversation about appropriate punishments for convicted pedophiles, and is 100% medically accurate."
..... what? It... what? First of all, a centipede does not have six legs, so bang goes the accuracy right there! Second, what the hell must that conversation have been like?!?
[Scene: Crowded pub, evening. It is autumn in 2007. Two creepy, creepy men drink pints.]
Film-director: Tell me, what do you think would be an appropriate punishment for convicted pedophiles?
Screen-writer: Well, I don't know about you, but I think we should turn them into human centipedes.
Director: What is that, some kind of animal mutation, like in Ninja Turtles?
Writer: No, no. Don't be silly. I mean have a mad doctor sew them together via the digestive system, in threes. Like a centipede, you know. Well... an ant, technichally. But you get the idea.
Director: Interesting. I find your views a little extreme... but that would make one hell of a movie!
Writer: Good idea!
Director: But wait... no-one will want to see a movie about pedophiles.
Writer: Hmmmmm. What if we make the doctor the villain?
Director: But I thought you were in favour of this centipede thing?
Writer: Yes, very much so. I'll send you my petition. But our twist is: the victims are innocent, pretty American girls. And the villain is an insane German scientest!
Director: German scientist?
Writer: Javol.
Director: Genius! Let's drink more and discuss the medical details! I want this thing to be 100% medically accurate.
Writer: Why?
Director: Drink!!!
-----
Okay that's enough about The Human Centipede. The short version is, I found the back cover much more frightening and entertaining than the film itself!
I watched another five or so movies this year, and I still have a couple to go- but I've typed much, much too much already. I'll add the rest, hopefully in shorter reviews, later! Thank you for humouring me