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Post by Mister Buch on Oct 9, 2010 1:52:54 GMT 1
Well I kind of already reviewed it, but here we go anyway! Nice work. First written prose? And it seems like you enjoyed it. What made you want to give it a go? I really did like the way you handled Shepard's character. Also - fine choice on Tali and Mordin. They're my favourites
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Post by jklinders on Oct 9, 2010 2:45:18 GMT 1
No idea what prompted me Buch. While the final form of the outline may have crystallized last night I had been turning and tossing it around absently for months. Now I could have taken those ideas in point form to here and the the trolls over at the Bioware forums(fora?) or I could try to do something interesting with it. Last night the hardest part was finding a title. A real close second was getting the nerve to ask you to beta read it for me. When you didn't throw a brick at my head I realized that unleashing it on the rest of you shouldn't be a problem. Took about an hour to write and proof the copy I sent you. Even found a mistake after I pasted into the PM. That bit about ramming the Reaper's shields did not exist until seconds before I typed it.
I've discarded a couple of paths on how I am moving from here. The main inspiration was for that one scene I've already written. I might be stuck for a couple more days while I try to transition to explaining what the hell led up to it. And I am looking forward to being the conductor rather than the spectator for once.
Thanks for encouraging me. I hope you don't regret it.
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Post by Battlechantress on Oct 11, 2010 1:37:22 GMT 1
I can't imagine Buch throwing a brick at anybody here, honestly. Hell, I don't see the rest of the crew here being that type either. Okay, back to the story: there's a handful of typos (minor-- yeah, me and the Inner Editor/Bitch still kick each other's shins, sorry), but overall, it's a good read. I like the title too. Cheers.
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Post by jklinders on Oct 11, 2010 2:23:59 GMT 1
The title was the hardest part actually. I found this pretty easy because it was mostly internal. I have trouble with dialogue and that is really slowing me down. I jotted down a few more lines yesterday. Just enough to set the next scene.
Where were my typos. I tried to be pretty thorough in my editing.
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Post by Battlechantress on Oct 11, 2010 2:57:38 GMT 1
I'll point them out tomorrow. Thunderstorms are rolling through right now.
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Post by Battlechantress on Oct 12, 2010 5:34:41 GMT 1
I love when I can't copy and paste properly.
He sighed, “well you have your proof now don’t you?” < missing capitalization
I'm not sure dark space needs to be capitalized.
When he exited the lift, he saw the faces of his crew, they were not Alliance or Cerberus or even really military but several saluted, several greeted him, “commander” “Shepard”
That kinda borders on run on sentence territory. I think it's the way the last two words are put together. Commander should probably be capitalized.
"Right behind you Shepard” < Missing ending punctualization. Or whatever the hell word my migraine- addled brain is going for.
Outside in space hundreds of Frigates and SR- class ships fell into formation behind the Normandy. Emerging from the nebula that had hidden their presence from detection. < You can probably change that to "Normandy, emerging..."
“2 minutes to contact” < Comma at the end of that should work
Normandy is usually italicized, but like I've said before, I've read enough fanfics where it's not.
I *think* that's everything. I thought I saw a sentence with a tense shift but I can barely see the monitor right now, so I'm just going to assume it's not there now.
Going to hit the floor before I throw up on it.
Edit: Italicized, not capitalized. Wow I was feeling extra crappy that night. Oops.
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Post by jklinders on Oct 12, 2010 13:30:26 GMT 1
Fair enough. As a first effort it sure couldn't have been perfect. I'm struggling enough with the next chapter as it is so I won't have any dander for editing for a while.
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Post by Battlechantress on Oct 15, 2010 4:45:34 GMT 1
Um, might want to fix this in the new chapter: “Me us at the Citadel" < self-explanatory Overall, it's a good chapter. Will write more tomorrow.
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Post by jklinders on Oct 22, 2010 5:00:58 GMT 1
For my very few fans who may be wondering, I've got another installment coming down the pipe. If I had started this in August it would be done by now. But then it would have sucked because my brain had not digested the ideas properly yet.
Work and family obligations has been forefront lately and that has cluttered my brain to the point where I am getting worried that I'll lose momentum. I've already broken my commitment to keep one installment a week but the piece I have written is not as far as I wanted to go.
It's getting quite a bit more character driven than I thought I could pull off but still not where I would like to see it. Should be no later than the middle of next week.
Just letting ya'll know I have not chickened out quite yet.
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Post by Clint Johnston on Oct 22, 2010 15:10:45 GMT 1
What? Oh...ok. we were um... really excited about that. Yep. Uhhuh.
Just kidding...
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Post by jklinders on Oct 22, 2010 15:23:58 GMT 1
*Winces at the sting of a bruised ego* Thanks your encouragement has been noted. *crawls away to a corner to feel sorry for myself* Yep, encouragement has been noted.
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