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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 10, 2010 3:12:19 GMT 1
Overall, I thought the story flowed well and progressed at a good pace. If you haven't seen my other reviews yet, don't take what comes next personally. People around here know that I'm a former proofreader for a printing company, and I am a bloody nitpicker from hell as a result (and that's putting it nicely). I noticed a couple of minor typos (there was a "too" where there should have been a "to", for instance), and this: (Gardner's words) "in my kitchen", I think this should be "his kitchen". Anti-Alien and Pro-Human don't need to be capitalized. The Normandy is usually italicized, but I've seen enough fanfics where it isn't so that I'll just leave that one up to you. Overall, this is a good chapter. Cheers.
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taj1702
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 26
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Post by taj1702 on Sept 10, 2010 4:01:35 GMT 1
Thank you. I definitely appreciate the feedback, and I'll be the first to admit that my grammar isn't always 100%. Not to mention the fact that I probably posted a little quicker than I normally would because I wanted to put something up. I pretty much wrote it, gave it a quick read through and put it up here so I'm not entirely surprised to find that a few things might have escaped my notice. I'll probably go over my work a little more carefully in the future. As far as (Gardner's words) "in my kitchen," I was kind of going for Kelly kind of impersonating and quoting him verbatim, but it's possible that this didn't translate well the way that I wrote it. As far as taking things personally, I try not too. As a writer, I'm always looking to improve myself and any time somebody offers honest constructive criticism I see it as an opportunity to do just that. I honestly appreciate you taking the time to read my work and present your thoughts, so thank you very much.
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 11, 2010 22:45:04 GMT 1
Okay, something is screwy either with my ISP or this board today, so this is try #2 posting this regarding the new chapter 1. Here we go:
I think the new first chapter works quite nicely and improves the story.
One thing I noticed is that this needs a couple of commas: "You’re the head of the profiling team Miss Chambers..." (just put commas before and after her name, or else it reads a bit strange and goes into run-on sentence territory). I think there's one or two more sentences in the dialogue that read like that, but otherwise, it looks fine.
Cheers.
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taj1702
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 26
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Post by taj1702 on Sept 12, 2010 13:57:10 GMT 1
Thanks, I'll definitely give it a look over. I'm decent with punctuation, but I'm definitely some distance away from perfection. Appreciate the feedback. I'm glad you felt that the chapter itself worked, and complimented the other chapter, because I was quite happy with this one overall. There are probably going to be a few other chapters in between this one and: Dinner and a Shrink. After I wrote that one, I kind of felt like, "great, but I kinda started in the middle." Actually I sometimes shoot myself in the foot with the comma thing. I used to overuse them horrendously, so I kind of learned to limit myself, and sometimes it works to my detriment. Once again, I appreciate your time Battlechantress.
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Post by jklinders on Oct 10, 2010 0:51:30 GMT 1
I am enjoying this actually. Nice to see the story through the eyes of a minor character and I think you captured Kelly's inner voice very well. I 'm liking your take on Shepard as well.
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taj1702
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 26
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Post by taj1702 on Oct 10, 2010 14:00:46 GMT 1
Thanks, I appreciate that. I was a little worried that people would have a hard time sticking with it because rather than just taking the reader through my takes on the actual "romance" points in the game, I'm taking the time to try and develop Kelly a little more and take a look at everything that's going on through her eyes. Because we take on the role of the hero in the game, there's so much we don't see and feel. Granted, I doubt there would be many people who would want to play through 20 - 30 hours as the ship's administrative assistant/counselor , but I think it's an interesting perspective to read and write about. As I said, glad you're enjoying it. Hopefully I continue to update it at least once a week.
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