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Post by jklinders on Aug 12, 2010 3:18:13 GMT 1
I meant to toss a quick opinion up on both of these actually. For some reason I did not feel like opening 2 topics.
You gave Shepard a lot of character in in Bad night in Flux. I really was looking forward to how she was going to react next to what ever silly thing was said to provoke her. Kaidan destroying the "party hat" out of spite was just icing on the cake. Whatever the creative source of Kaidan's next concussion is I am quite sure my own imagination is quite far off the mark. In any event the story gave me a laugh when I was in no mood to and it gets good marks from as a result. Tossing in a few flaws that were not related to badassery was a great touch as well.
I think I need to see Me Myself and Doubt a bit more to really digest it. You hit a lot of notes there that I felt Bioware missed in their rush to make Cerberus the new gray tinged heroes they were in ME2. Shep in game was just too blase about being separated from his/her allies and shoved into an alliance with ethically questionable murderers. Some of the more brainless trolls on the Bioware forums accused me of wanting an EMO Shepard for wanting realistic reactions from him/her. Bah, no one is emotionally invulnerable and seemed like the only emotional output I had available for my Shep was to allow smidgens of renegade to poke through an otherwise squeaky clean paragon image. I liked them both, I just don't know if I can further articulate why.
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Post by Battlechantress on Aug 12, 2010 3:28:58 GMT 1
Thank you.
"Me, Myself..." has been my frigging "problem child" almost from the get-go, mostly because right as I got into the first version of the original story, my brother suddenly became paralyzed due to previously undiagnosed tumors that turned out to be damned near everywhere in his torso. (That's probably more info than any of you wanted or needed to know, but it's been eating at me for two months now and I can only hold it in for so long, so there you go.) I spent two weeks unable to write anything, and that probably hasn't helped it any. So it's good to know that, at least this early on, it's not as flawed as I thought it was.
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Post by jklinders on Aug 12, 2010 3:50:24 GMT 1
It seems like it could be considered an early draft. But there really is too little for me to work off of and this is simply because Shepard is starting off on a really low note and to expect her to bounce out of it immediately would be silly. The real litmus test is how the character handles the situation as it is ongoing. I thought the reactions of Jacob and Miranda to the couple of outburst were well written. Tension followed by (potentially) temporary understanding or tolerance. You could work with that and have one or both of them give her a push about her feelings towards Cerberus, or maybe some of the old crew can help her work it out. Your story, your direction.
If you are uncomfortable sharing with the whole group straight away because of life`s tensions or whatever, feel free to drop a draft into my PMs and I`ll give you an honest non writers opinion.
You hinted in an altered post a couple of weeks back that there was trouble concerning your brother. I was hoping it was not so grim. My sister has made herself psychologically unavailable to the rest of my family. While her life is not in danger, I feel it highly unlikely that I will ever see her again, so I have some idea of what it is like to worry for a sibling. Hang in there, make the best of what time you have regardless of how long that is and be there for him if he needs it. You obviously care and frequently that is all people need.
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 12, 2010 4:34:45 GMT 1
The first chapter of "The Lies We Tell Ourselves" is now up (hence the subject's title change above). When I came up with the idea to have Hallas's audio diary kick it off, it sounded better in my head than it currently reads. I'll probably just go ahead and work on the rest of the story before taking a hatchet to it right away, though.
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Post by lieden on Sept 12, 2010 7:17:51 GMT 1
I quite like this take! Starting with Hallas' recorded journal entry plunges one right into the story. Good device, effective.
I wonder a bit how the admiral decides to promote Shepard and push her into N7 after affirming that 'she has high levels of paranoia,' and 'has a history of severe clinical depression and passive suicidal ideation.' I have relatively limited experience on this, but I know that for several special forces corps one has to pass psych evalutation, and that mental disorders of any sort warrant a military discharge. (The latter is a way of avoiding conscription in countries where it's obligatory). Even if the admiral is severely bending the rules, his reason for promoting Shepard seems obscure.
Quick small fix: 'All fifty members of the fleet'
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 12, 2010 11:41:40 GMT 1
I considered mentioning that she had been treated for both in the story, but took it out last night. I do know from doing the mission that the whole incident at a Akuze was covered up (Hackett tells Shepard this), and that those involved were forced out of the alliance, so at the time, it made sense. I'll try to look at that again after work. And good catch on the typo. Thanks
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 13, 2010 1:44:39 GMT 1
Okay, chapter 1 of "Lies" has been modified a bit (and corrected). Shepard should read as less of a "loose cannon" now (hopefully). Currently working on chapter 2 while listening to the football game behind me. Thanks!
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Post by lieden on Sept 13, 2010 8:11:01 GMT 1
Okay, re-read it and it's all much more solid now. Good read! By the way! Kendra -- as in, Kendra Shaw from BGS:Razor?
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 17, 2010 4:28:05 GMT 1
Forgot to answer this the other day. Kendra Shepard happened to be created without BSG even being on the brain. Most names that I pick for my characters end up being named for something to do with astronomy, what sounds and letters I play around with when insomnia plagues me, or else I just pick unusual Middle Eastern names. However, I decided to pick something "easy" at 1 a.m. when I created her. She ended up being the lucky gal to be haunted by Akuze because I/she couldn't stop Toombs from killing himself on Ontarom in ME1. (I had to leave the room before I could deal with Hackett's equally depressing post- assignment conversation as a result.) So if you ever wanted to know, yes, "Me, Myself..." and "Lies" came into being as a direct result of that experience. It also goes a long way to explain her outright hostility towards Cerberus in 2185. Speaking of "Lies", chapter 2 should be going up this weekend. I was going to put it up tonight, but I've got 8 poems to write in 2 weeks, and I don't think just waiting until the last minute on every single one of them is going to work this time around. "Lies" is definitely going to be a hell of a long fanfic from the looks of it (it's 13 pages and counting right now. Yeah, me and the Inner Bitch are still snapping at each other, but she's backed off a little bit for the last two days ). I *really* hope I get it done by October 1, because between that, NaNoWriMo in November, and my classes, I will definitely be short on time. As for "Me, Myself...", that's probably going to need yet another overhaul given how "Lies" is turning out. We shall see. I *will* make my ugly problem child see daylight eventually. I just don't yet know how....
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 19, 2010 5:12:31 GMT 1
All right, chapter 2 of "Lies" is up. One thing that has become painfully obvious to me this week is that I can handle dialogue reasonably well. Writing action scenes... not so frigging much. Hopefully, I managed to do a decent job with both this time around. Feel free to let me know if I screwed up. Thanks. Edit: Yeah, the last paragraph might need to be cut down a bit, but I have to get up for work in five hours, so it will have to wait.
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Post by jklinders on Sept 19, 2010 14:04:54 GMT 1
You got a nice "Alien" type vibe happening here so far. It would be even better If I did not know in advance that Shepard was going to live. I have to keep reminding myself that the Alliance at large as yet knows nothing about thresher maws. Knowing so much more than the characters is the only thing spoiling it for me so far. It may do some good to find someone who knows nothing about Mass Effect and sound it off them. You seem to have a feel for this kind of writing.
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 19, 2010 22:07:49 GMT 1
Thank you.
That is something I considered when I started "Lies", but it's a problem I've been dealing with in "Doubt" as well. For some reason, I'm having less trouble with "Lies" even though I had to map the areas that Shepard will be dealing with on Akuze (there's literally nothing else there about it except for the codex entry in-game and on masseffectwiki.com, so I busted out index cards and a pencil and got to work), make up 99% of the supporting cast, etc.. With "Doubt", since it takes place in ME2, most of work is already done for me in terms of casting, etc. and yet it's still kicking my ass. I haven't decided if it's because I worry about deviating too far from "canon" in "Doubt", or if my brain just can't handle straight fanfic (or if it's something else altogether).
I'll definitely take your suggestion about sending it out to a non-ME player or two and see what they think. I was surprised to find that the two I showed "Bad Night" to actually liked the story, even though they literally knew nothing about any of the characters beforehand, so I'll see if they've got time to go over the first three chapters of "Lies" later this week.
Sorry for the rambling. Had massive insomnia last night and it was a long day at work today. Can't yet go into a coma though (farm chores await, and I have a mare who needs to have her hooves filed down. Getting her to agree with me on that will be fun, since I'll be doing it myself...).
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Post by jklinders on Sept 19, 2010 22:52:52 GMT 1
You drew up the characters real well. Most fan fic I have seen revolving around canon characters makes no effort in that direction at all. You treated the audience as if they were seeing them all for the first time, didn't take any shortcuts simply because "these guys already know who this is". Kudos. I know I would have screwed that up big time.
And 'chantress about sticking to canon on "Doubt"(how can I put this delicately) **** the canon. The canon had Shepard as some kind of emotionally invulnerable cyborg. I am looking forward to your interpretation of how Shepard is going to cope in a more human way.
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Post by Battlechantress on Dec 8, 2010 22:19:09 GMT 1
Chapter three of "Lies" is now up. My brain is still recovering from NaNo so while it has been edited, it may need more salt.
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