Post by Battlechantress on Aug 10, 2010 3:21:40 GMT 1
All right, as the others here will attest, I am a "grammar and spelling Nazi". (I don't like Nazis, however, so can we settle for "would-be English teacher" instead? ) My apologies in advance. As I've also said elsewhere before, feel free to rip up my writings here if you'd like in exchange. I am a good deal sleep deprived while I write this, so if I seem crude in my suggestions, please don't take it that way. Here we go.
The takeover had been too unexpected, too underhand < tense should be fixed (underhanded)
It was a small consolation that Anderson was Councillor rather than Udina: her one-time captain was honest, if blunt, with a strong sense of justice; rare like a diamond in the rough, but not crafty like the ambassador; and the latter, Shepard thought, was inexorable, always wanting more – more power, more influence. < This sentence really should be broken down into 2-3 smaller sentences
There were many others like him, backing him up – for as long as he served their interests, – squabbling among each other, trampling on everyone else, vying for human safety yet with complete disregard to even human life; they had little to envy from Cerberus in that regard. < This should probably be broken down too
In fact they treated them with a good measure of paranoia. < Should probably add a comma after "fact"
hold on, just hold on, she pleaded, and to herself she thought, with a rising panic she had not known for years, I can't make it on my own, not this time. < You may want to italicize her thoughts here
But Shepard couldn't imagine him going back on his word, nor her for that matter, and that brought them where they were now, less than two hours away from biting off more than they could possibly chew of the Collectors, with the whole crew snatched under their noses, and possibly all organics' fate in their hands. < This could probably be broken down a bit
He looked at her intently. No offence – you do look... nice. Strange, soft. Solid. < Missing a ' at the start of No offense
Overall, I really like the story. The descriptions are all sound. The one thing that really needs addressing are the run-on sentences. If a sentence takes up more than 2 lines on a page, it is probably (but not always) too long. I think there's a couple more run-on sentences in the story, but I figure you're smart enough to seek them out and tackle them on your own.
Cheers.
The takeover had been too unexpected, too underhand < tense should be fixed (underhanded)
It was a small consolation that Anderson was Councillor rather than Udina: her one-time captain was honest, if blunt, with a strong sense of justice; rare like a diamond in the rough, but not crafty like the ambassador; and the latter, Shepard thought, was inexorable, always wanting more – more power, more influence. < This sentence really should be broken down into 2-3 smaller sentences
There were many others like him, backing him up – for as long as he served their interests, – squabbling among each other, trampling on everyone else, vying for human safety yet with complete disregard to even human life; they had little to envy from Cerberus in that regard. < This should probably be broken down too
In fact they treated them with a good measure of paranoia. < Should probably add a comma after "fact"
hold on, just hold on, she pleaded, and to herself she thought, with a rising panic she had not known for years, I can't make it on my own, not this time. < You may want to italicize her thoughts here
But Shepard couldn't imagine him going back on his word, nor her for that matter, and that brought them where they were now, less than two hours away from biting off more than they could possibly chew of the Collectors, with the whole crew snatched under their noses, and possibly all organics' fate in their hands. < This could probably be broken down a bit
He looked at her intently. No offence – you do look... nice. Strange, soft. Solid. < Missing a ' at the start of No offense
Overall, I really like the story. The descriptions are all sound. The one thing that really needs addressing are the run-on sentences. If a sentence takes up more than 2 lines on a page, it is probably (but not always) too long. I think there's a couple more run-on sentences in the story, but I figure you're smart enough to seek them out and tackle them on your own.
Cheers.