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Post by Nemonus on Jun 28, 2010 16:20:21 GMT 1
I like how you worked turian religion into Garrus' thoughts--the mentions of the void were nice and creepy. The image of Shepard as an avenging angel was also very cool--funny how Garrus is surprised by her hardness when he's gone through a change as well.
The flashback/dream sequence was cool: "bittersweet grace" is a phrase I've not heard before, and it works really well to contribute to the atmosphere of the moment. Garrus came off as very sweet toward the end.
Good work. My one gripe with this chapter is the block paragraphs in the beginning. I feel like there must be some way to work that much description into action or dialogue. As it is, it began to feel a little repetitive in terms of the stuff we know about Garrus' past from the game.
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Post by Mister Buch on Jun 28, 2010 17:39:18 GMT 1
You already know what I think Tillian, but here's a review anyway.
I like Garrus' POV revealing his softer side and the 'angel' theme in particular is very impressive. It doesn't seem terribly girl to me! In fact I would vote for more girliness.
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Post by Tillian Panthesis on Jun 30, 2010 16:01:34 GMT 1
Thanks for the review guys. The block paragraphs were kinda a bit too verbose, I agree. I'm working on to improve that verbose problem in the future chapters. The angel part does kinda surprised me... in a good way. I wasn't picturing Shepard as an angel at the time of writing, since I was just trying to imagine her as some sort of pure spirit entity. Usually when I think of angels, I've kinda think of them as nice lovely wings, but that's just me not being a Christen. Still, it's good to hear it worked well nicely, considering the ME universe is not big on religion. The void imaginings was my favourite part of writing. It's fun to write in an alien perspective. My biggest worry at the time was the flashback sequences, since I was kinda unsure how to implement a flashback scene properly without putting a big sign that says "flashback". Also I was worried I was getting a bit too soft to the point it's OOC for both Shepard and Garrus. It's good to hear it worked out. As for the girly part, we'll see but I'll be still keeping a small manly stance as usual when continuing the story, since I don't want Garrus to go OOC. I know he's a big ol' softy behind that hardass image he puts on... But I just gotta make sure he still has his own "Garrus awkward" thing. But anyways, thanks for the response. EDIT: I see what you mean by repetitiveness, well in the future, I'll try to avoid that. Once again, thanks
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Post by jklinders on Jul 13, 2010 14:18:43 GMT 1
Well don't trim too much off. There was no dialogue until Shepard reached him. It was a good opportunity to set the scene both in his thoughts and location. The idea of Garrus being lovestruck...is kinda cute actually and I look forward to your continuing interpretation of it.
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Post by jklinders on Jul 13, 2010 14:19:33 GMT 1
ugh, now there is a word I just don't use...cute
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methodicalmute
Serviceman 3rd Class
"Something's up...I'm feeling kinda...funky!"
Posts: 26
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Post by methodicalmute on Jul 21, 2010 21:50:11 GMT 1
Just read the two chapters, and I enjoyed it. I liked the dream sequence, and as Buch said, the angel idea was a very nice touch. I also liked how you took a segment of the game and fleshed it out. You gave a much greater meaning to Shepard and Garrus's reunion than was perhaps conveyed in the game.
My advice really is just to keep reading and writing, which judging from other posts, you do a lot of, and that's great. It really does make a difference.
For anyone who's interested, I found two books very helpful: On Writing by Stephen King, and The Elements of Style by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White. Worth checking out if you've not read them already. Quite short books too.
Btw, Tillian your artwork is excellent. Particularly liked the White Rose cover.
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Post by Tillian Panthesis on Jul 22, 2010 8:14:08 GMT 1
Thanks everyone for the feedback. Doing my best to strive my writing into excellence territory so I'll won't make a disservice to all the fans of ME.
Methodicalmute: I've haven't get the chance to get the two books, although I should do that the next time I'm stopping by at Borders, so thanks for the suggestion. Also one other book I've also recommend to all, I've mention this before, but it's a damn good book that it's worth repeating it again. Get "How not to write a novel" by Sandra Newman and Howard Mittelmark. It's short and snarky, but at the same time, it points out the mistakes that warn the writers not to fall into. I highly recommended.
And also thanks for the complement about my artwork. It's a bit of a warm up since I've last painted... which is about a month ago since my last assignment. So, again, I'll work on my skills to improve it.
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Post by Battlechantress on Jul 30, 2010 2:22:58 GMT 1
Overall, it's a great story, but I found the following problems later on in the text (it's not chapter 1, chapter 2 I think?): I think this sentence might work better if the punctuation were moved around a bit: "Some women like facial scars... mind you. Most of those women are krogan,” might look better as, "Some women like facial scars. Mind you, most of those women are krogan," The use of tense is awkward here (it goes from present to past, and back to present in the same sentence): It's been days since Garrus rejoined back onto the Normandy, it took him a while to settle down and relaxed his guard due to old habits back on Omega, where he's always being watchful for bloodthirsty thugs that are lurking from the darkest corners of the station. I added the following words in italics (it's a bit awkward to read otherwise): Despite the fact that the frigate was funded and run by Cerberus, they still managed to prepare food properly for species that ran on dextro-amino diet, like his. <-- that part about species and dextro diets probably still works, but it might look better either as, "species that ran on a dextro- amino diet..." or replace "ran on" with "lived on" or just "ate". Hope that helps. Cheers. (I may well find more stuff to comment on later, but those sentences are what jumped out at me today despite my lack of sobriety.)
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Post by Tillian Panthesis on Jul 30, 2010 3:11:31 GMT 1
Hi there, thanks for dropping a feedback here. Glad you've enjoyed it and thanks for pointing some of the flaws, I'll fix it as soon as possible. Grammar might not be my strongest point but I'll be doing my best to remedied that. Also it's nice to see a new face here
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Post by Battlechantress on Aug 3, 2010 3:57:48 GMT 1
The following is about Chapter 1: Edit: Ugh, I just realized how long this post is, and I'm sorry. But you did say that you posted it on ff.net already, so I figured you probably want to make sure it's "cleaned up" over there too. Feel free to (verbally) rip up any and all writing that I submit over here if you'd like. Seriously! Okay, moving on.... Unlike some of the previous posters, I didn't mind that there were a few paragraphs of exposition to kick this story off. Since Garrus doesn't have anybody among the living to talk to when the story begins, I think building up the scene this way works well. I've had more time to look at the first chapter (I'm sober this time ) and wanted to point out the following (I don't know of any other way of pointing these out, unfortunately): You have several instances of going from past tense to present in the same sentence. Here's one: "He knew that he [won't] be making out of this assault alive, he was outnumbered heavily." Another case: "When he saw Shepard gracefully walk down the boulevard, with her body being shrouded by her biotic aura, giving her an ethereal appearance, Garrus was convinced that she [is] an angel, that [she's] coming for him in his darkest hours." Simple case of missing punctuation here: "Hallucination or not, the sight of her gave him some solace Especially" Typo: "Garrus couldn't recognised them but he's wasn't going to complain if they were on Shepard's side." "singularity that the Commander summon" and "As he was about to take off his helmet to reveal himself" (just make them past tense) You may want to adjust this so that the scope is only mentioned once: "However, in his own sight through the scope, the esteemed human woman was right there, still breathing and glowing with health as if she never died. Garrus shook his head hard again before looking through the scope," "As the result of that, he decided to disappear from Citadel Space and start up his own team to clean up the unruly thugs in the rough streets of Omega, hoping to make a difference while attempting to ignite that small flame just to keep the memory of her alive." < This sentence should really be broken down into two smaller sentences. You may also want to change the beginning of the sentence to either "As a result," or something else altogether. Past-present tense again: "Still unsure if it's a illusion, Garrus decided to test this image by making a small plea, hoping that this human being is really an actual spirit entity that appeared to save him from the worst hour of his life." And: "Garrus felt unnerved by the sudden silence, which usually meant that they are preparing for another assault to his base" Typo: "He configure the settings for his gun when Shepard asked him gently. “How did you get into this mess?” For the above, you may want to have it read: "when Shepard gently asked him, "How did you get into this mess?" I saw one misspelling (but I bet spell checker didn't catch it. It does have its drawbacks...): it should be "peeked" instead of "peaked" in the instance that it was used. (Like I said, spell checker isn't perfect. It's annoying like that.) I do want to point out that I do like how you describe things and people. Once you get used to keeping your tenses consistent, I think you'll be fine. Cheers.
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Post by Battlechantress on Aug 4, 2010 1:55:46 GMT 1
One thing that occurred to me after I went to bed last night (naturally; this stuff happens all the time) that might help: try reading your stuff out loud (one chapter or page at a time, you choose). I usually do this with dialogue, but this would probably help you catch tense shifts. (This is one thing that a lot of writers advise to other writers to do quite often, so this advice is for everybody. ) Cheers.
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Post by Tillian Panthesis on Aug 5, 2010 12:41:39 GMT 1
That's ok chantress, longer and more constructive the reviews are, the better. I've tried to clean it up much as I've could over at ff.net, I'll be doing cleaning up here next. I've also did a bit of research about past and present tense while doing the clean up, I have to say I've picked up a few things here and there along the way. It's a good thing too since it might helped me write up my other project in the future. So thanks for the feedback One other thing everyone should keep this in mind: While it's nice to have reviews that have praises, constructive reviews are priceless as well. If someone have written a long review about your story that points out the strong points and the flaws, be thankful that someone managed took the time and effort to write reviews like that. Not only they pointing some of the flaws just to encourage you to fix it up and try to improve your writing, but it's also a sign that they did took the time to read your story thoroughly.
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Post by Battlechantress on Sept 8, 2010 2:34:13 GMT 1
It looks pretty good overall. Didn't see any problems with tense that I can recall. I'll reread it shortly to see if I missed anything.
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Jul 7, 2012 16:25:20 GMT 1
I just read your fic "White Rose of the Normandy" and I was rather impressed... I absolutely love Garrus as a character, and I am a bit of a Female Shepard / Garrus Vakarian 'shipper... so I loved this story. Plus, a Lovestruck Garrus is just adorable! Also, I thought it was cute how everyone else saw his feelings for Shepard before even he did - and how he kept denying it by referencing the "Human / Turian" difference... like it mattered. And his awkward conversation with Mordin about coming in for damage repair after, and the references to broken bones, and Garrus was just flabbergasted by Mordin's frank talk...
All in all, great story! I love reading FemShep / Garrus 'ships...
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Post by Tillian Panthesis on Jul 14, 2012 15:57:56 GMT 1
Thanks. To be honest, that wasn't my best writing piece I've ever did in retrospect, since I was writing at the time to wind down the stress that was building up from the pressures with Uni and keeping my ears to the ground in the games industry. A guilty pleasures of sort for me, since I've don't usually write romantic stories as a focal point. Most of the time, I usually write stuff that involves a lot of snarking, blickering and a epical arc. (eg: Paragons of the Renaissance.)
The mordin part was probably the most enjoayble part of writing for me, with the added call back to broken bones due to the use of biotics. (See Jack or Miranda's romance arc when visiting Mordin.)
My biggest suprise with it though is that there are still some people who are still interested with White Rose (like you for example), after I've took a long hiatus for all this time. I think I should get back into this fic, just to wrap things up someday. Hopefully.
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