Post by Mister Buch on Mar 7, 2009 22:12:59 GMT 1
Just a little Mock Effect update based on the famous teaser trailer. Hope you like it. I got the idea from elimyx's story - thanks! Also thanks to knightfall, from whom I took the idea for the t-shirt joke.
Rated T, but only just, for mild swearing.
MB
Mock Effect: Anticipation
EXT: SPACE: NIGHT:
(The SSV Normandy swoops about in orbit around the Citadel. Despite the eerie silence we are all impressed.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
(JOKER is sat in his chair as usual, but his eyes are fixed on a screen. Around him we see some of the Normandy crew. GARRUS VAKARIAN is there as well as the demoted JOHN SHEPARD. NAVIGATOR PRESSLEY and his horribly ill-matched voice actor are there too, looking nervous and overacting. Notably, COMMANDER JANE SHEPARD, the first human Spectre, is absent. JOHN looks tired. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt with the message, 'I waited a year to see the asari consort, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!')
JOHN: All right, Joker, you asswad. Let’s see what’s so important that you had to drag me all the way to the cockpit in the middle of the night and interrupt my marmalade sandwich.
JOKER: It’s a mysterious message that was put out on the extranet, sir. It’s known only as ‘the teaser trailer’. I think you’ll all wanna see this. I think it has something to do with Cerberus, but frankly I have no idea. I just saw it on YouTube while I was looking for asari po…
(LIARA enters the room.)
JOKER: Asari poetry readings. Anyway, it’s important, so I made this copy.
(We follow JOKER’S eyes into the screen. It is a black backdrop with white type.)
MESSAGE: May contain content inappropriate for children. Visit imdb.com for rating information.
JOKER: Ah, this might be inappropriate for you, sir.
JOHN: Shut up, douche! Just play the vid.
(There is an image of a large, blue planet against a backdrop of stars. Low, rumbling music begins, sounding ominous. The image distorts and whines.)
JOHN: What the hell is this? Is there something wrong with your machine?
JOKER: I knew I shouldn’t have gotten the VHS version!
(Some text appears, making bleeping noises with each letter. It looks very eighties sci-fi.)
MESSAGE: Alliance Service Record 5923-AC-2826.
> Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy
> Born: 4.11.2154
> Enlisted 4.11.2172
> Never asked her first name. Sorry.
(The picture of the blue planet changes to a zoom-in shot of a rifle. As we slowly pan across its length, more everyday, useless information appears.)
MESSAGE: Notable service –
> Liberation of Eden Prime
> Siege of the Citadel
> First human Spectre
> Survived hundreds of explosions on lunar base mission
> Vital part of efforts to slightly improve working hours for air-traffic controllers
> Extensive collection of asari writings, Prothean data discs, turian insignias, salarian ID tags, keeper scans, mineral deposits, et cetera et cetera et cetera.
> High tolerance for boredom
JOHN: This is all in her files. What the hell is the point of this?
JOKER: I think Cerberus or whoever are trying to build some suspense here, sir.
JOHN: Yeah, well good luck to ‘em – I’m going back to bed. I was dreaming about the time I shot up Chora’s Den. Ah, good times…
JOKER: Sir! Believe me, as XO you really need to see the ending of this.
(The picture fades away and is replaced by a shot of a piece of vaguely-familiar grey body armour. Yet more vital statistics roll up.)
MESSAGE: Known alien associates:
> Liara Tsoni
LIARA: Hey! First!
MESSAGE: > Garrus Vakarian
> Tali’Zorah Nar Rayya
(They all groan at the memory.)
MESSAGE: > Urdnot Wrex
JOHN: Whoop! That’s my man.
(The video now shows us the front of the armour. We see an N7 logo!)
EVERYONE: Gasp!
(Then we see lots of scratches on the armour!)
EVERYONE: Oh no!
(Then we see… a black stain of some kind!)
GARRUS: It looks like an oil stain…
PRESSLEY: Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
JOKER: This video is inappropriate for the children, sir. They have been warned.
LIARA: You know, as ominous as all this is, there are plenty of other N7 soldiers out there besides Shepard.
(There is a pause while they all nod and calm down. But then… suddenly… horribly…)
(Another little box of dialogue appears.)
MESSAGE: Status:
(The video takes a dramatic pause for some unimaginable reason.)
MESSAGE: KILLED IN ACTION.
(The message box now glows blood-red and flashes. A repetitive siren sounds.)
PRESSLEY: Oh my God! That’s the microwave! I’ve overcooked my flapjacks!
(He runs off panicking, as he does.)
LIARA: She… she’s dead…?
GARRUS: She just left two days ago!
JOHN: Huh huh, not such a ‘Survivor’ now are y… ow!
(LIARA hits him on the back of the head and frowns.)
(On the tape, the camera moves up the armour to reveal… a geth soldier inside! Suddenly noticing it is being filmed, the geth looks directly into the camera. The little metal flaps around its central camera/flashlight/eye thing contract in embarrassment. Then, just as suddenly, the geth lunges its head forward, as if spasming, and makes a weird electronic noise. Whatever shot out of the geth’s face breaks the camera and the video ends.)
JOHN: Gesundheit.
(There is a silence. JOKER switches off his VHS player. They watch the black screen in shock. Some of them try to prop themselves against consoles for support. Finally, after what feels like an eternity… JOHN speaks.)
JOHN: I, uh… I don’t believe it… she’s…
(GARRUS puts a hand on his shoulder.)
JOHN: She’s… she’s turned into a robot!
JOKER: What?
JOHN: Didn’t you see?
JOKER: She hasn’t been turned into a robot, you moron! She’s been killed by the geth and they’re wearing her armour like a trophy!
(PRESSLEY returns.)
PRESSLEY: The humanity!
JOKER: Or maybe… maybe she’s been killed by Cerberus…
LIARA: Oh, I’m sure she’s fine! This is clearly just an attempt by Cerberus to get us all excited about her return. It's a sales pitch.
(Pause.)
GARRUS: What do you mean?
LIARA: Er… well…
GARRUS: I think Shepard has been forced to go undercover. She’s a Spectre after all! If she wants people to think she’s dead she could do it easily. That's probably it. Perhaps she's planning a big, exciting undercover adventure!
JOKER: Maybe Cerberus and the geth killed her by working together? Aw man, I don’t want to start fresh with al all-new Commander!
LIARA: You see? You see what I mean? She isn’t really dead. They just wanted to get us talking, and it worked!
(Pause. They reflect on what she has said.)
JOHN: Well… if she is dead…
JOKER: It’ll be really annoying.
LIARA: Agreed.
GARRUS: Exactly.
(Fade out.)
EXT: SPACE: NIGHT:
(Cut to the edge of some planet or other where an orange star is creeping over the horizon, illuminating the surface and the screen. There is justifiably ominous music as we see the titles…)
MOCK EFFECT 2… coming several months after Mass Effect 2... or later or earlier… or not at all… ah, who cares?
(Fade out. Again.)
Rated T, but only just, for mild swearing.
MB
Mock Effect: Anticipation
EXT: SPACE: NIGHT:
(The SSV Normandy swoops about in orbit around the Citadel. Despite the eerie silence we are all impressed.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
(JOKER is sat in his chair as usual, but his eyes are fixed on a screen. Around him we see some of the Normandy crew. GARRUS VAKARIAN is there as well as the demoted JOHN SHEPARD. NAVIGATOR PRESSLEY and his horribly ill-matched voice actor are there too, looking nervous and overacting. Notably, COMMANDER JANE SHEPARD, the first human Spectre, is absent. JOHN looks tired. He is wearing boxers and a t-shirt with the message, 'I waited a year to see the asari consort, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!')
JOHN: All right, Joker, you asswad. Let’s see what’s so important that you had to drag me all the way to the cockpit in the middle of the night and interrupt my marmalade sandwich.
JOKER: It’s a mysterious message that was put out on the extranet, sir. It’s known only as ‘the teaser trailer’. I think you’ll all wanna see this. I think it has something to do with Cerberus, but frankly I have no idea. I just saw it on YouTube while I was looking for asari po…
(LIARA enters the room.)
JOKER: Asari poetry readings. Anyway, it’s important, so I made this copy.
(We follow JOKER’S eyes into the screen. It is a black backdrop with white type.)
MESSAGE: May contain content inappropriate for children. Visit imdb.com for rating information.
JOKER: Ah, this might be inappropriate for you, sir.
JOHN: Shut up, douche! Just play the vid.
(There is an image of a large, blue planet against a backdrop of stars. Low, rumbling music begins, sounding ominous. The image distorts and whines.)
JOHN: What the hell is this? Is there something wrong with your machine?
JOKER: I knew I shouldn’t have gotten the VHS version!
(Some text appears, making bleeping noises with each letter. It looks very eighties sci-fi.)
MESSAGE: Alliance Service Record 5923-AC-2826.
> Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy
> Born: 4.11.2154
> Enlisted 4.11.2172
> Never asked her first name. Sorry.
(The picture of the blue planet changes to a zoom-in shot of a rifle. As we slowly pan across its length, more everyday, useless information appears.)
MESSAGE: Notable service –
> Liberation of Eden Prime
> Siege of the Citadel
> First human Spectre
> Survived hundreds of explosions on lunar base mission
> Vital part of efforts to slightly improve working hours for air-traffic controllers
> Extensive collection of asari writings, Prothean data discs, turian insignias, salarian ID tags, keeper scans, mineral deposits, et cetera et cetera et cetera.
> High tolerance for boredom
JOHN: This is all in her files. What the hell is the point of this?
JOKER: I think Cerberus or whoever are trying to build some suspense here, sir.
JOHN: Yeah, well good luck to ‘em – I’m going back to bed. I was dreaming about the time I shot up Chora’s Den. Ah, good times…
JOKER: Sir! Believe me, as XO you really need to see the ending of this.
(The picture fades away and is replaced by a shot of a piece of vaguely-familiar grey body armour. Yet more vital statistics roll up.)
MESSAGE: Known alien associates:
> Liara Tsoni
LIARA: Hey! First!
MESSAGE: > Garrus Vakarian
> Tali’Zorah Nar Rayya
(They all groan at the memory.)
MESSAGE: > Urdnot Wrex
JOHN: Whoop! That’s my man.
(The video now shows us the front of the armour. We see an N7 logo!)
EVERYONE: Gasp!
(Then we see lots of scratches on the armour!)
EVERYONE: Oh no!
(Then we see… a black stain of some kind!)
GARRUS: It looks like an oil stain…
PRESSLEY: Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
JOKER: This video is inappropriate for the children, sir. They have been warned.
LIARA: You know, as ominous as all this is, there are plenty of other N7 soldiers out there besides Shepard.
(There is a pause while they all nod and calm down. But then… suddenly… horribly…)
(Another little box of dialogue appears.)
MESSAGE: Status:
(The video takes a dramatic pause for some unimaginable reason.)
MESSAGE: KILLED IN ACTION.
(The message box now glows blood-red and flashes. A repetitive siren sounds.)
PRESSLEY: Oh my God! That’s the microwave! I’ve overcooked my flapjacks!
(He runs off panicking, as he does.)
LIARA: She… she’s dead…?
GARRUS: She just left two days ago!
JOHN: Huh huh, not such a ‘Survivor’ now are y… ow!
(LIARA hits him on the back of the head and frowns.)
(On the tape, the camera moves up the armour to reveal… a geth soldier inside! Suddenly noticing it is being filmed, the geth looks directly into the camera. The little metal flaps around its central camera/flashlight/eye thing contract in embarrassment. Then, just as suddenly, the geth lunges its head forward, as if spasming, and makes a weird electronic noise. Whatever shot out of the geth’s face breaks the camera and the video ends.)
JOHN: Gesundheit.
(There is a silence. JOKER switches off his VHS player. They watch the black screen in shock. Some of them try to prop themselves against consoles for support. Finally, after what feels like an eternity… JOHN speaks.)
JOHN: I, uh… I don’t believe it… she’s…
(GARRUS puts a hand on his shoulder.)
JOHN: She’s… she’s turned into a robot!
JOKER: What?
JOHN: Didn’t you see?
JOKER: She hasn’t been turned into a robot, you moron! She’s been killed by the geth and they’re wearing her armour like a trophy!
(PRESSLEY returns.)
PRESSLEY: The humanity!
JOKER: Or maybe… maybe she’s been killed by Cerberus…
LIARA: Oh, I’m sure she’s fine! This is clearly just an attempt by Cerberus to get us all excited about her return. It's a sales pitch.
(Pause.)
GARRUS: What do you mean?
LIARA: Er… well…
GARRUS: I think Shepard has been forced to go undercover. She’s a Spectre after all! If she wants people to think she’s dead she could do it easily. That's probably it. Perhaps she's planning a big, exciting undercover adventure!
JOKER: Maybe Cerberus and the geth killed her by working together? Aw man, I don’t want to start fresh with al all-new Commander!
LIARA: You see? You see what I mean? She isn’t really dead. They just wanted to get us talking, and it worked!
(Pause. They reflect on what she has said.)
JOHN: Well… if she is dead…
JOKER: It’ll be really annoying.
LIARA: Agreed.
GARRUS: Exactly.
(Fade out.)
EXT: SPACE: NIGHT:
(Cut to the edge of some planet or other where an orange star is creeping over the horizon, illuminating the surface and the screen. There is justifiably ominous music as we see the titles…)
MOCK EFFECT 2… coming several months after Mass Effect 2... or later or earlier… or not at all… ah, who cares?
(Fade out. Again.)