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Post by Cali on Mar 1, 2010 5:16:28 GMT 1
I've been having treatment for depression for several years, but this month is the worst it's ever been. I had a major depressive episode today and locked myself in my room for eight hours and beat the hell out of myself like I was some sadomasochistic wanker. Punched myself and bashed my head against walls. Sometimes I just feel useless and imbecilic. Like everything bad that happens to me is all directly my fault. I'm twenty years old and I don't have a driver's license, I've never had a romantic relationship that lasted more than four days, I've been unemployed for a while now. I just feel like a goddamn lazy, irresponsible waste of skin. The problem with me is that when I realize I'm a freaking loser I don't soldier on and undo the wrong things, it just makes me feel worse. My family is very supportive of me, but I feel that the outside world and my family are two different things. Gawd, I shouldn't be pouting about my feelings on an internet forum... but I just really needed to get that out. I don't know, I just trust you guys more than most E-Communities. Anyway, the episode is over, and I'm getting the treatment I need tomorrow. So don't worry about me too much. =D
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Post by Mister Buch on Mar 1, 2010 13:28:14 GMT 1
That sounds like a hell of a day, and month. And several years, eh.
I'm thinking it's a good thing that you're talking about it here. In my experience, talking about it is the best thing for depression.
Everything you said there brings back memories for me! From age 20-23/4 I felt exactly the same way. The illness and my wasted, failed life (as I saw it at the time) always felt like a whirlpool I couldn't get out of. Like I was always looking for a key, but couldn't work one out and couldn't clear my head long enough to fight my way out.
That's a pretty mixed-up metaphor I used, there. Hopefully it makes sense. It sounds like your experience is similar, anyway. I definitely hear what you're saying about feeling useless and lazy.
Uninformed advice: Relationships and jobs are much, much harder to succeed at when you have depression stifling you every day. And 20 is young. You have time. For me at least, the less depressed I became, the more those things came easy to me. Which they never had before.
Anyway. It's also good that you're getting treatment.
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Post by Rascarin on Mar 1, 2010 13:42:59 GMT 1
That sounds rough, cali. Good to hear you'll be getting treatment, really hope you feel better soon. And you're more than welcome to be sharing your feelings here! This place has certainly become my personal blog - and Mr Buch gives great advice/support!
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Post by Mister Buch on Mar 1, 2010 13:53:15 GMT 1
Thank you ;D
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Post by Hodster on Mar 2, 2010 9:00:37 GMT 1
Depression sucks. Hope you feel better cali
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