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Post by Mister Buch on Jan 20, 2009 4:09:28 GMT 1
I'm glad we have a good story about quarians. I like stories with original characters and I love quarian lore so this was fun for me.
I don't like to criticize but once or twice mainly in the first chapter there were phrases that seemed odd, or didn't seem to have been used right. The dialogue was great, but the narration sometimes stumbled. I hope that is constructive.
The attention to detail was nice. Clearly the author has been paying attention to Tali's speeches! The world and the characters are clearly carefully thought out and planned. I can see a lot of work has gone into this one. And there are also little moments throughout that I thought were really interesting takes on the ME universe, like "only to let out a sigh that wouldn't even produce a sound through his mask, but would at least cause it to light up for a couple of seconds."
That kind of thing makes it fun. And I like the mysterious, cocksure protagonist. Well, I don;t know that I LIKE him personally, but he's very interesting. I hope there are more chapters to come, as I now want to know what Yalo is up to.
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 17, 2009 23:12:17 GMT 1
This story is really improving. I liked the first two a lot but there is an improved style here and some very cool moments. Yalo is becoming much more likeable, and something of a James Bond-like figure. I espescially like the thing about Quarian naming rituals and the 'information' he traded to the turians.
The discussion of the usefullness of credits to the Fleet was great, and the part on Elysiana was espescially interesting. Kudos for the phrase "Fleet-clan" by the way.
Your descriptive stuff is great. I liked Palmera's attempted escape.
"How's that genophage going then, huh?" Great line. I laughed out loud. The horse to water thing was also very funny.
This is getting really good, espescially with Intarr's introduction. Well done. --
Terrork, out of curiosity, how long are you planning to make this?
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Post by TerrorK on Feb 17, 2009 23:42:17 GMT 1
Terrork, out of curiosity, how long are you planning to make this? Unknown at this point. I know relatively what I want to happen, but I don't know how many chapters it will take to get there. Things change and get drawn out as I write them. For example, Chapter 4 was initially Chapter 3, and Yalo was simply going to sum up to Intarr what happened to lead him there. Then I decided rather than do that it would make more sense and improve the flow if I actually wrote it as a chapter. I also initially planned to take Chapter 4 a bit further before ending it, but have decided to shift that stuff to the start of Chapter 5 now. If I were to guess, I'd say around 20 Chapters at this point. That's a very rough guess though. Too early to gauge. And thank you for the kind words, btw. ;D
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 18, 2009 0:23:42 GMT 1
Quite a long one then. I will be reading.
I shift around like that too. My stories always turn out longer than I intend.
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