|
Post by Mr. Glow on Nov 19, 2009 16:45:59 GMT 1
The first couple of chapters didn't really give me a sense of what this will be like, they were a little short, but I think this fanfic has plenty of potential.
Looking forward to seeing what Commander Rick and the crew get up to.
Congratulations on starting your first ME fanfic on this site Vik!
|
|
N7v1K0
Lieutenant
This one has no time for your solid waste excretions.
Posts: 171
|
Post by N7v1K0 on Nov 19, 2009 18:30:33 GMT 1
I wasn't feeling too well while I was writing that, so that's why it was so short. But still, thanks!
|
|
|
Post by ravenchick on Nov 28, 2009 8:36:35 GMT 1
I enjoyed reading your first three chapters and look forward to more. My only advice might be to show some of those character traits and settings as part of the story. Happy weekend.
|
|
|
Post by Mister Buch on Dec 2, 2009 23:21:02 GMT 1
I finally got around to reading 'High Treason'! The line about Kaidan's glasses made me so happy xD That was a funny, lighthearted touch. Nice one. The plot is great - Shepard's death being investigated by Kaidan and another of our characters as a suspect. Great stuff. I like the revelations of these details. I also agree that the first two chapters are too short for them to reach their potential. Sometimes I see bits that are too quick and I want to hear much more, like the descriptions of the crew. I want to hear about Rick's unremarkable features, and this interesting upbringing that Li has, for instance. My other criticism is that the characterisation seems extreme - like Li kicking Jean, for instance. A couple of little technical issues (the others here will tell you I am a stickler for this kind of thing): It's bad form to use numbers without spelling them out - "with 2 people". You shouldn't have dialogue from more than one speaker in a single paragraph. The *triple facepalm* should not be in a written story Okay, sorry about that. I have a problem. I need to get that niggling, teacher-y stuff out or I will be fidgeting all day. This line is my favourite- "He didn't like lifts-they always annoyed him with their crappy jazz music and boring newsreaders." ;D These little nudge-nudge jokes were great. And the SSV Dublin was a nice touch too.
|
|
N7v1K0
Lieutenant
This one has no time for your solid waste excretions.
Posts: 171
|
Post by N7v1K0 on Dec 2, 2009 23:38:15 GMT 1
Thanks! I'll make sure to use your advice. Maybe when I'm done, I'll rewrite the first 2 chapters. You'll probably see the next chapter on Saturday.
|
|
|
Post by grungehead1991 on Dec 6, 2009 8:50:13 GMT 1
i just got done reading it so far. I do enjoy that you tied it in with the ME storyline, and even made Kaiden a prominent charecter. I agree that you should put somemore detail in the charecters and setting however. But other then that it was good. I even found myself laughing a bit Keep it up
|
|
N7v1K0
Lieutenant
This one has no time for your solid waste excretions.
Posts: 171
|
Post by N7v1K0 on Dec 10, 2009 0:05:12 GMT 1
I've made some edits since I had time.
|
|