Post by thalinbeneset on Jul 6, 2008 1:13:04 GMT 1
Hi.
I'm having a lot of fun with Mass Effect, and somehow I ended up writing this.
This is just a parody about something I truly enjoyed, and it was never my intention to be mean.
A couple of warnings:
- This is my first stab at this kind of thing, so...you've been warned.
- English is not my first language, so...uh...you've been warned?
I guess that's it. Thanks.
Ascension, the w(hole) story
By thalinbeneset
*
The audio clips featured in this Galactic News edition are not to be sold separately
Galactic News # 6789
Ascension, the w(hole) story
A Galactic News Special Report, by Emily Wong
Hello Citadel.
In the past two Galactic years, I’ve received countless vid-mails from inquiring citizens here on Citadel about what everybody as come to know as the HOLE.
We’ve all been down to the Wards, to gaze through the panoramic window, and admire the Asari ship, ‘Ascension’, while she slowly moves about, and we all wondered about that VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle.
The HOLE has become a Citadel landmark, and people (real people and aliens) from all corners of the Galaxy, come to visit us hoping for a chance to peek at the HOLE.
I decided to investigate this matter, as it seemed much more important than the piece I had scheduled on :
‘Spectres: Are they really worth the trouble?’
I talked with my editor about it. He gave me his ok, a deadline, and some expense creds.
My quest for the HOLE truth had just begun.
Galactic Day 1
I started with a background check on the ‘Ascension’.
The Citadel Rapid Transit System was offline, so I walked all the way down to the Galactic Citadel Archives, where I managed to find some interesting facts:
Approximately 50 galactic years ago, the Council decided that the Asari flagship, the ‘Erection’ was to be retired from active duty, because it had a lot of dents in the hull.
The Council needed a new ship.
They approached the respected Asari company BWS (Biotic Wares & Ships), and after a couple of meetings, they signed a contract, and that’s where the HOLE story begins.
This decision from the Council seems a little strange, because according to my research, BWS was a very well know and respected company, not so much for their ship building skills, but mainly for the huge commercial success of their Bio-Games.
As matter of fact, I didn’t find any proof of BWS ever building any ship other than the ‘Ascension’.
Even stranger, is the fact that at the time they signed the Ascension’s contract with the Council, BWS was apparently about to file for Galactic bankruptcy and close their doors.
My research at the Galactic Citadel Archives, allowed me to track down a couple of people (aliens) who worked at BWS at the time they managed to grab the Ascension’s contract, and one of them was kind enough to share some facts with me.
AUDIO CLIP 1 – Interview with Saren, former BWS cook.
Emily – Hi Saren.
Saren - Hello.
Emily - You used to be the cafeteria cook at BWS back in the day when they were a respected company in the ship design and Bio-Games areas. Can you tell me a little about it?
Saren – Actually Emily, BWS never had anything to do with ships, until those morons from the Council approached them.
Emily- So, if the BWS guys (or gals) didn’t build ships how do you explain the ‘& Ships’ on the company neon-sign?
Saren - Well, the BWS Bio-Games design guys (or gals) were pushing well into their 400’s at that time, and most of them were going trough a huge mid life CRYSIS. One day during a meeting, and totally out of the Asari blue, they just came up with the brilliant idea of colonizing a couple of uncharted worlds with sheep. They wanted to expand the company, and get on the whole Import/Export interplanetary sheep deal. Unfortunately, when they talked with the Elcor genius in charge of making the new neon-sign, he never really understood what a sheep was, and they ended up with the ‘& ships’ on the neon-sign.
Emily – Interesting. And were the BWS guys (or gals) ever successful in the sheep business?
Saren – Nah. A couple of weeks later half the design team decided to buy convertible ships and grow pony tale tentacles, and the other half got fake blue boobs, and that was that for the whole sheep deal.
Emily - OK, moving on. According to my research, it seems that when BWS signed the ‘Ascension’ contract with the Council, the company was about to go out of business.
Saren - Yes. Those were terrible times.
Emily - What happened?
Saren - Well, BWS had invested a lot in their latest Bio-Game, ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, and it was a terrible flop.
Emily - Really? Why?
Saren - Well, the game was supposed to take place in a medieval fantasy world, populated with wizards and paladins and kings and stuff, where people (make believe people) had to move around a lot doing ridiculous side quests. But the fan base hated the new classes in the game. Especially the ‘Thresher Maw’ prestige class.
Emily - Why did the fans hate it so much?
Saren - Well, the 'Thresher Maw’ builds could not move from their nests on account of a racial feat, so the fans were having a really hard time figuring out what to do.
Emily - That’s it?
Saren – Actually, no. The game also revolved a lot about looting barrels and chests for useless cool items to carry around, and everybody was disgusted with one particular item introduced in the game.
Emily - What was it?
Saren - The Asari Consort’s Prothean Trinket.
Emily - WHAT? REALLY? Do you know where I can get a copy of the Bio-game?
Saren - Try the GEA (Greedy Eerie Aliens) Bio-Online store.
Emily - THANK YOU.THANK YOU.
Saren - No problem.
Emily - What about you? Why did you resigned from BWS?
Saren - Well, after the whole sheep debacle, it was clear to me where the company was heading. So, I gave up on my cook career, and took a part time job with those morons from the Council, as a Spectre. At least, they only had one loony Asari.
Emily - And now?
Saren - At present, I’m trying to get into a partnership with the Geth, to bring back the Reapers and destroy all life in the Galaxy. I just need to figure out where to find a ‘Conduit’ to seal the deal. Oh, I also have to figure out what a ‘Conduit’ actually is…
Emily - Well, good luck with that. Listen, I have a special report on Spectres coming up. Can I call you sometime for another interview?
Saren – Sure, Emily. No problem. Always glad to help.
Emily – Thank you.
AUDIO CLIP 1 – Interview with Saren, former BWS cook.
So, the BWS guys (or gals) were out of creds, and they ended up taking the ‘Ascension’ contract without having any experience in the ship building business.
So, how does a company with no creds manages to build a huge ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle?
BWS already had a commercial relationship with the Asari Company GEA on the Bio-Games business, so they decided to approach them with a partnership deal on the Ascension’s contract.
The BWS guys (or gals) quickly prepared a cardboard model of the Ascension and a couple of crayon paper drawings, and they ‘pitched’ the project to GEA.
Apparently, at this meeting, the GEA people (aliens) were very impressed with all the flashy lights on the cardboard model, and they immediately accepted to fund the project.
To celebrate the deal, a couple of crumbling ‘Matriarch’s Writings’ changed hands (flippers) as gifts, and the wheels were set in motion.
Galactic Day 2
At this point in my investigation, I wanted to find out what our citizens had to say about the HOLE issue. I set out to the Embassies, and came across a lively bunch of people (real people and some aliens) by the lake.
As I approached them, I could see that this was clearly an interesting bunch. They were engaged in a very spirited argument about ‘who fault was it that Joker had drowned in the lake’ and ‘who is going to jump in the lake to get the Normandy’s ignition keys out of Joker’s pocket’.
Did they have something to say about the HOLE? Well, let’s just say that I ended up nailing some amazing interviews, and enough material to write a couple of books on the mentally hill.
According to my new publisher, I’m only allowed to share with you a couple of audio quotes, sorry about that.
AUDIO CLIP 2 –Presidium Embassies Interviews, the Essential Collection
Question:
“What do you think about this HOLE business?”
Emily Wong, Me
Answers (kind of, sorry):
“I know for a fact that this HOLE business is a Conatix plot to bring back the BAaT days. I mean, every time I look at that HOLE my head hurts, and my nose bleeds. What more proof do you need?”
(Do you have an aspirin on you Emily? Thanks. And some water? No? Damn.)
Kaidan, Real People, Normandy’s Co-Something
“I'm only 107 so I don’t feel comfortable talking about HO...*cough*. But I would really like to know the truth behind this particular HO...*cough*. Oh, for the love of the Prothean Architectonic Balance, will I ever be able to say the word HO...*cough*"
Liara, Alien, Prothean Expert, Virgin.
“I don’t care about that HOLE. HOLES are a bunch of morons. I’m not afraid of any HOLES. Joker, disconnect….oh… right.”
(Tali, jump in that damn lake and get me my damn keys before C-SEC shows up)
Shepard, Real People, Normandy’s Commander, Renegade
“WHOOAA, what kind of big weapon could make such a VERY LARGE HOLE? That seems like a fight I would like to see.
(What? It's the actual design of the ship? Are you guys sure?)
AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH”
Wrex, Alien, Mercenary
“You’ll never know the beauty of being a HOLE. Watching, as an increasing number of little HOLES grow around you, and slowly but surely they turn into an army. An army of little HOLES to serve you, and hug you, and…”
Benezia, Alien, obviously in dire need of proper medical attention.
“The human species has suffered these indignities long enough. The human species demands a ship with an equally VERY LARGE HOLE. LARGER, even…”
Udina, Real People, Very Displeased Ambassador
“When I was a young boy… (Dam you Shepard, put that Bio-guitar away)…I actually worked with a Spectre named Saren. I could tell you a thing or two about that particular A. HOLE, but that information is still classified, sorry. “
Anderson, Real People, Retired Captain, President of the ‘Let’s all hate Saren together’ Foundation
“Please, everybody. I’m feeling a bit light headed. Stop saying HO...*Cough*.”
Liara, 15 galactic minutes after her original statements.
“That VERY LARGE HOLE it's a slap in our Galactic Lord's face. Only our Galactic Lord can make truly beautiful HOLES. Let’s lock and load and burn those sinful alien fuc…”
(Look Kaidan, you need water for that aspirin anyway, so you might as well jump in the lake and get the damn keys.)
Williams, Real People, Heavily Armed, True Believer, also has a sister or a cat or something
“It seems like a Geth HOLE design to me. I know a lot about ships, and engines, and stuff, OH, OH, and HOLES too, and I’ve never seen a ship with such a VERY LARGE HOLE. I wish I could bring back that HOLE to my poor people back at the flotilla.”
(Hey Emily, how about a special report on my pilgrimage?)
Tali, Alien, nobody really cares what she does just as long as she’s doing it somewhere else.
“So many criminals to wast...ahem... apprehend in the galaxy, and they just slowly move about? And what exactly are they planning to hide in that HOLE?”
(Emily, I noticed you're not wearing your Citadel journalist ID TAG. That sort of thing can get you in a lot of trouble real fast. Consider it a friendly warning.)
Garrus, Alien, Freelancer Vigilante Nut Job /C-SEC Officer Nut Job, depending on what Galactic time it is.
“AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH”
Wrex, 1 galactic hour after his original statements
AUDIO CLIP 2 –Presidium Embassies Interviews, the Essential Collection
At this point it became clear to me, that everybody in Citadel was painfully aware of the HOLE, but that no one actually had a clue about the truth behind it.
It also became very clear, that the Council should seriously consider investing on some sort of Galactic Mental Health Care Facility.
Galactic Day 3
Now, I’m sure most of you are familiar with this bit.
Two Galactic years ago, BWS publicly announced that the Ascension was …ready to leave the space yard.
So, the ship…shipped (sorry).
But to everybody’s surprise, the Ascension was not a whole ship, but a ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle. And suddenly, all eyes and ears (and some antennas) turned to the BWS guys (or gals).
I needed to look at the big picture, but I quickly decided against it because the Citadel Rapid Transit System was offline again, and I was too tired to walk all the way down to the Galactic Citadel Museum.
Instead, I jumped on my sheep, sorry, ship, and went down to the BWS space yard, because the next logical step in my investigation was to get some insight on the HOLE, directly from the BWS guys (or gals).
Did I get it? No. But I ended up with another great interview and…a new friend.
AUDIO CLIP 3 – Interview with anonym, former PR, freelance interior decorator and Acolyte.
Emily - Hi.
anonym - Hi.
Emily - So, you’re the BWS PR guy (or gal), right?
anonym - Uh…Well…OK.
Emily - Well, I’m sure you know that everybody on Citadel have been wondering about the HOLE for the past 2 Galactic years. Care to comment?
anonym - … (reads papers with notes) … Well Emily, I really don’t see why everybody is paying so much attention to the whole HOLE business. The Ascension has a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle, true, but it works.
Emily - Well, that’s not what I asked, but let’s talk about that for a moment. According to the Ascension’s crew, the ship sometimes kind of almost works, but it's not really capable of using Mass Relays, so it's kind of stuck in this system. Was this feature intended?
anonym - Uh… (reads papers with notes) …actually Emily, that’s just the Ascension’s crew being lazy. BWS already made available on the extranet Bio-forums, several Bio-topics with 'workarounds' for this so called 'problem'. And no, it's not an intended feature...At least… (reads papers with notes) …I don’t think so…
Emily - I see. And what exactly are these ‘workarounds’? Because the crew claims that the ship still can’t leave the system, so they just slowly move her about, which looks terribly silly.
anonym - Uh… (reads paper with notes)… it involves a bit of 'tweaking' of some computer core files related to the Ascension’s FLT Element Zero Core Mass Reduction Drive Driver software... I think…
Emily - And what about the reports that the ship displays turn black every few minutes without warning?
anonym - Uh… (reads paper with notes)…actually, that’s another example of the Ascension’s crew being lazy, because the 'Ascension' manual clearly states that all V.I.'s, A.I’s and PI’s interfaces should be updated to the latest version to avoid such problems. BWS even provided an extranet Bio-link for that. They have to carefully read the manual, that’s all. … (reads paper with notes)…OH, and they can also send vid-mails to our partners, GEA, for further technical assistance… if they really, really, want to…
Emily - Fair enough. Now, let’s get back to the HOLE…
anonym - (SIGH) Look Emily, you’re a nice girl and I …uh…kind of think you’re really cute, so I can’t do this…
Emily – What?
anonym - I don’t really work for BWS. I mean, they did hired me last Galactic week but not as their PR.
Emily – So, what did they hire you for?
anonym – Well, they knew I usually moonlight as an interior decorator on the Galactic weekends, so they wanted me to get read of all the sheep ‘motifs’, so that the place would look more like an actual space yard.
Emily – On the Galactic weekends? And what do you do during the Galactic week?
anonym – I work for the Asari Consort. I’m an Acolyte.
Emily - So…you’re not really a PR?
anonym - Actually, until last Galactic year, I was working as a PR for the Batarians. And before you ask, no, at the time I didn’t know their main business was slavery, I thought they were a legit NGO (Non Galactic Organization).
Emily - You totally lost me.
Anonym – Look, I was here having a meeting with the BWS ‘brass’ about the new blue velvet drapes for the space yard. When they spotted you parking your ship out front, they handed me 1000 creds to pretend I was their PR. Then they shoved these papers with these ridiculous notes in my hand (flipper), and they all rushed through the yard’s back door. But I don’t have a clue about the HOLE.
Emily - Well, that leaves me in a tough spot. I was hoping to get some answers from them…
anonym - Sorry. They’re gone.
Emily - ... (damn)...Ah...Uh...Wait, have we met before?
anonym - Yes…
Emily - Where? Because I can’t seem to...
anonym - The Consort's Chambers...
Emily - I’m still not...
anonym - I was there that day you somehow managed to get the Consort's Prothean Trinket stuck in your A…
Emily - All righty then. We’re done here.
AUDIO CLIP 3 – Interview with anonym, former PR, freelance interior decorator and Acolyte.
Galactic Day 4
Instead of answers, I only had more questions:
-What’s a ‘Bavarian’?
-Should I ask that Asari anonym guy (or gal) out?
-I already paid for my Bio-Digital copy of ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, so why does the GEA Bio-Online V.I. insists on telling me that I can’t play?
-Will the Asari Consort ever consider selling me the Prothean Trinket?
-Why the hell did the Elcor genius in charge of editing the audio on my special reports, decided not to cut out the last few lines from that last audio clip?
It was time to find out what the Ascension’s crew had to say, but since the Ascension was currently busy slowly moving about, I decided to stay home, and check on the BWS extranet Bio-forums instead.
I had a hard time getting online, so I used my ESP (Extranet Service Provider) hotline and they told me the whole extranet was crashing a lot due to : ‘the ugly mess down at the BWS extranet Bio-forums’.
After a couple of Galactic hours on the extranet, I managed to reach the Bio-forums. What I saw was not pretty.
Transcription 1
BWS extranet Bio-forums /Sheep/Ascension/Technical Forum (no help at all, self or any other kind)
Bio-Post #3456
‘How ridiculous do you think we feel slowly moving about on a ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle? We paid for a whole ship, not for a ship with a hole.’
(Ascension’s requisitions officer)
Bio-Post #14564
‘PLEASE, do something ASAP about the VERY LARGE HOLE because I can’t take the vagina jokes anymore.’
(Ascension’s on board sex adviser)
Bio-Post #19999
‘We’re definitely not buying any more ships from you… unless it’s a really, really hyped ship.’
(Ascension’s requisitions officer…again)
Bio-Post #23110
‘How would you feel if that pretty little space yard of yours had a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle?’
(Ascension’s weapons officer)
Bio-Posts #32453 to #99354
‘Just give us the damn ‘plug’ already.’
(Ascension’s pretty much everybody…twice)
Bio -Post #123654
‘ Well, I’m actually trying to solve this, so for the love of the Asari Consort’s blue knickers, can some one tell me what to do with all the extra files on the:
X: \Manholes\Systemic\Sheep\Ascension\BWS\Data\Jean_Luc\FLT\Energy_Zero
directory?
I mean, there are hundreds of .cfgddsexe files. Where are the regular files with the 24 letter extensions? Can a guy (or gal) get some help? Oh shit. The damn displays are black again. You bast...’
(Ascension’s tech guy (or gal))
Bio-Post # 123655
‘Hey, tech guy (or gal). Are the Consort’s knickers really blue?’
(Ascension’s Commander)
Transcription 1
Was it possible that I was finally getting some facts? You bet.
-I send a vid-mail to the Asari Consort about selling me the Prothean Trinket, but as it turns out, she’s very attached to it. Small wonder, really.
-There’s a lot of Volus gay porn floating around on the extranet.
-Apparently, the Elcor genius who made the BWS neon-sign all those Galactic years ago is currently working for Galactic News, on the Audio Editing Division.
-According to the online Galactipedia, ‘Bavarians’ were a mythological winged people from 20th Century Earth, who worshiped some kind of purple deity called ‘Lederhosen’. I bet that anonym guy (or gal) had a really tough time working for them.
Galactic Day 5
Unfortunately, I was getting nowhere on the HOLE issue.
My last chance for some actual information on the subject was to talk with someone from the Council, because there was no way in Galactic hell I was getting anywhere near the eerie GEA guys (or gals).
I was very lucky, because Asari Council member, Ileana Blue Matriarch was having a slow day at the Council, and she actually talked to me (or...her hologram did).
Audio Clip 4 - Interview with Asari Council Member
Emily – Hi Ileana.
Ileana – Hi Emily. You can call me IBM. All my friends do.
Emily – OK. And you can call me …Uh… any time. I have some questions for you.
Ileana – Sure.
Emily – How’s the ’Erection’ doing?
Ileana – Who’s? Why? What have you heard?
Emily – The Asari flagship…
Ileana – Oh, right. Well, the Erection has a lot of dents in the hull and it needs to be replaced. Unfortunately there’s nothing the Council can do about it, except for what we’ve already done.
Emily – You mean the Council actually did something?
Ileana – Well, we reassigned the Erection to a new patrol path, away from the Galactic Driving School. You know, to prevent any more dents on the hull.
Emily – Will the Ascension ever replace the Erection?
Ileana – Yes, if that HOLE ever gets ‘plugged’… and that ‘black displays’ glitch fixed.
Emily – I guess that would be a small victory for the Council?
Ileana – Sure. I mean, we can’t honestly say that a sheep, sorry, ship is ready for Galactic duty, if the only thing it can do is slowly move about. It just looks terribly silly.
Emily – I agree, it does.
Ileana – I mean, the Council has other important matters to address, and here we are stuck on this HOLE issue.
Emily – Other important matters?
Ileana – Yes.
Emily – Care to elaborate?
Ileana – Well, for instance, I could tell you that we really need to legislate on the Keepers disgusting sexual habits.
Emily – That’s interesting. Do Keepers have sex?
Ileana – No. And that’s just disgusting, right?
Emily – …Uh…Anything else?
Ileana – Well, we’re also looking for a human Spectre. We had a good candidate, but apparently he wasn’t interested.
Emily – Why not? Did he tell you?
Ileana – No. When I asked him, he just said the Council was a bunch of morons. Then, he got really mad, and he started shooting his AR at my hologram for 10 Galactic minutes and ordered his weird bunch of friends to do the same. After that he started yelling to some poor guy in a Bio-wheelchair to 'disconnect'...
Emily - And then what happened?
Ileana - Well the guy in the Bio-wheelchair was desperately trying to explain to him that he couldn’t switch off my hologram. After that, he got really, really mad, said something about a lake, and they all left.
Emily – I see. By the way, where are the other Councillors?
Ileana – They took the day off from the Council, because they are starting some business Company or something.
Emily – Really? What kind of business?
Ileana – I think they wanted to get in on the ship, sorry, sheep business.
Emily - …Uh…Thanks IBM.
Ileana – Bye, Emily.
Audio Clip 4 - Interview with Asari Council Member
Galactic Day 6
My editor was nagging me about the deadline, and I ended up spending the rest of my expense creds on a Bio-Retail copy of ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, so I needed to go home, and see if I could get a Bio-Refund from that GEA Bio-Online V.I. bitch.
Oh, and that anonym guy send me a vid-mail asking me out on a date.
As for the HOLE, I guess will it always remain a mystery.
As I always do, I leave you with some bits and pieces I picked up during my investigation.
See you on my next special report, always here, on Galactic News.
Bye Citadel.
BITS AND PIECES
BWS announced last week that a new ‘weapons tactical software’ named BDS (Blast those Damn Ships), is available on the extranet, in the form of DLC (not a clue about this one).
As a ‘gesture of good will and so that people (real people and aliens) would stop giving them a hard time about the HOLE ’, BWS made the new software available not only for the 'Ascension', as originally intended , but for all Asari ships registered on the extranet BWS Bio-forums with a valid ship license plate.
This seems to have caused additional problems for the BWS guys (or gals), because apparently the SYRRRC verification system put in place to assure that only Asari ships with a valid ship license plate benefitted from the BDS software, seems to 'dislike' the custom made ship license plates, ever so popular with Asari Admirals these days.
SYRRRC - SAVE YOUR RAM & ROM & REM CYCLES
The company who developed the SYRRRC verification system is also having some problems with their new ‘hot’ product:
PONY Chastity Belt for Asari Kids.
Targeting mainly Asari mothers (or fathers) with kids (alien kids), the product is reported to suffer from a serious design flaw.
Apparently, the belts refuse to unlock, even when a legitimate product code is inserted during the decryption process.
There are already several reports of injuries caused by young Asari desperately trying to bypass the verification system using biotics and small ‘micro-scaled mass accelerator’ arms.
During my investigation, the words Galactic lawsuit came up a lot. Other, not so kind words came up a lot. Also, some gestures.
The original cardboard model used 50 galactic years ago by BWS to ‘pitch’ the Ascension project to GEA was recently recovered by an anonym interior decorator. The model was found under a foam sheep, at the BWS space yard.
As it turns out, the Ascension's cardboard model also has a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle. The purpose of the HOLE in the model was to provide adequate spacing for the extensive wiring required for all the flashy lights. The real sized ‘Ascension’ has no flashy lights.
Late reports that a large number of Dreadnoughts from the AA are abandoning their patrols paths and gathering near the BWS space yard have not yet been confirmed.
AA - Asari Admiralty
There are rumours floating around on the extranet about a new Bio-Game:
‘Sometimes Spring Afternoons – Marybeth’s garden party’
To this day, GEA still holds the manufacturing and distribution rights on flashy lights everywhere in the Galaxy.
Wrex was taken to the Wards Clinic with severe stomach problems, right after his interview.
When asked about his condition, Dr. Michel had this to say:
“I’ve never seen anything like this. He just can’t stop laughing. Between laughs he just gasps for air and says something like
‘you silly Asari’.
C-SEC is offering a reward of 1 million creds for information leading to the recovery of the Asari Consort's Prothean Trinket. Apparently, the Prothean Trinket was stolen from her chambers by an unidentified human female.
Other than Wrex, no animals (aliens) were hurt during the course of this investigation. Benezia doesn’t really counts because she was already in pretty bad shape when I met her.
Ascension, the w(hole) story
A Galactic News Special Report, by Emily Anonym Wong
Galactic News # 6789
The audio clips featured in this Galactic News edition are not to be sold separately
*
I'm having a lot of fun with Mass Effect, and somehow I ended up writing this.
This is just a parody about something I truly enjoyed, and it was never my intention to be mean.
A couple of warnings:
- This is my first stab at this kind of thing, so...you've been warned.
- English is not my first language, so...uh...you've been warned?
I guess that's it. Thanks.
Ascension, the w(hole) story
By thalinbeneset
*
The audio clips featured in this Galactic News edition are not to be sold separately
Galactic News # 6789
Ascension, the w(hole) story
A Galactic News Special Report, by Emily Wong
Hello Citadel.
In the past two Galactic years, I’ve received countless vid-mails from inquiring citizens here on Citadel about what everybody as come to know as the HOLE.
We’ve all been down to the Wards, to gaze through the panoramic window, and admire the Asari ship, ‘Ascension’, while she slowly moves about, and we all wondered about that VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle.
The HOLE has become a Citadel landmark, and people (real people and aliens) from all corners of the Galaxy, come to visit us hoping for a chance to peek at the HOLE.
I decided to investigate this matter, as it seemed much more important than the piece I had scheduled on :
‘Spectres: Are they really worth the trouble?’
I talked with my editor about it. He gave me his ok, a deadline, and some expense creds.
My quest for the HOLE truth had just begun.
Galactic Day 1
I started with a background check on the ‘Ascension’.
The Citadel Rapid Transit System was offline, so I walked all the way down to the Galactic Citadel Archives, where I managed to find some interesting facts:
Approximately 50 galactic years ago, the Council decided that the Asari flagship, the ‘Erection’ was to be retired from active duty, because it had a lot of dents in the hull.
The Council needed a new ship.
They approached the respected Asari company BWS (Biotic Wares & Ships), and after a couple of meetings, they signed a contract, and that’s where the HOLE story begins.
This decision from the Council seems a little strange, because according to my research, BWS was a very well know and respected company, not so much for their ship building skills, but mainly for the huge commercial success of their Bio-Games.
As matter of fact, I didn’t find any proof of BWS ever building any ship other than the ‘Ascension’.
Even stranger, is the fact that at the time they signed the Ascension’s contract with the Council, BWS was apparently about to file for Galactic bankruptcy and close their doors.
My research at the Galactic Citadel Archives, allowed me to track down a couple of people (aliens) who worked at BWS at the time they managed to grab the Ascension’s contract, and one of them was kind enough to share some facts with me.
AUDIO CLIP 1 – Interview with Saren, former BWS cook.
Emily – Hi Saren.
Saren - Hello.
Emily - You used to be the cafeteria cook at BWS back in the day when they were a respected company in the ship design and Bio-Games areas. Can you tell me a little about it?
Saren – Actually Emily, BWS never had anything to do with ships, until those morons from the Council approached them.
Emily- So, if the BWS guys (or gals) didn’t build ships how do you explain the ‘& Ships’ on the company neon-sign?
Saren - Well, the BWS Bio-Games design guys (or gals) were pushing well into their 400’s at that time, and most of them were going trough a huge mid life CRYSIS. One day during a meeting, and totally out of the Asari blue, they just came up with the brilliant idea of colonizing a couple of uncharted worlds with sheep. They wanted to expand the company, and get on the whole Import/Export interplanetary sheep deal. Unfortunately, when they talked with the Elcor genius in charge of making the new neon-sign, he never really understood what a sheep was, and they ended up with the ‘& ships’ on the neon-sign.
Emily – Interesting. And were the BWS guys (or gals) ever successful in the sheep business?
Saren – Nah. A couple of weeks later half the design team decided to buy convertible ships and grow pony tale tentacles, and the other half got fake blue boobs, and that was that for the whole sheep deal.
Emily - OK, moving on. According to my research, it seems that when BWS signed the ‘Ascension’ contract with the Council, the company was about to go out of business.
Saren - Yes. Those were terrible times.
Emily - What happened?
Saren - Well, BWS had invested a lot in their latest Bio-Game, ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, and it was a terrible flop.
Emily - Really? Why?
Saren - Well, the game was supposed to take place in a medieval fantasy world, populated with wizards and paladins and kings and stuff, where people (make believe people) had to move around a lot doing ridiculous side quests. But the fan base hated the new classes in the game. Especially the ‘Thresher Maw’ prestige class.
Emily - Why did the fans hate it so much?
Saren - Well, the 'Thresher Maw’ builds could not move from their nests on account of a racial feat, so the fans were having a really hard time figuring out what to do.
Emily - That’s it?
Saren – Actually, no. The game also revolved a lot about looting barrels and chests for useless cool items to carry around, and everybody was disgusted with one particular item introduced in the game.
Emily - What was it?
Saren - The Asari Consort’s Prothean Trinket.
Emily - WHAT? REALLY? Do you know where I can get a copy of the Bio-game?
Saren - Try the GEA (Greedy Eerie Aliens) Bio-Online store.
Emily - THANK YOU.THANK YOU.
Saren - No problem.
Emily - What about you? Why did you resigned from BWS?
Saren - Well, after the whole sheep debacle, it was clear to me where the company was heading. So, I gave up on my cook career, and took a part time job with those morons from the Council, as a Spectre. At least, they only had one loony Asari.
Emily - And now?
Saren - At present, I’m trying to get into a partnership with the Geth, to bring back the Reapers and destroy all life in the Galaxy. I just need to figure out where to find a ‘Conduit’ to seal the deal. Oh, I also have to figure out what a ‘Conduit’ actually is…
Emily - Well, good luck with that. Listen, I have a special report on Spectres coming up. Can I call you sometime for another interview?
Saren – Sure, Emily. No problem. Always glad to help.
Emily – Thank you.
AUDIO CLIP 1 – Interview with Saren, former BWS cook.
So, the BWS guys (or gals) were out of creds, and they ended up taking the ‘Ascension’ contract without having any experience in the ship building business.
So, how does a company with no creds manages to build a huge ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle?
BWS already had a commercial relationship with the Asari Company GEA on the Bio-Games business, so they decided to approach them with a partnership deal on the Ascension’s contract.
The BWS guys (or gals) quickly prepared a cardboard model of the Ascension and a couple of crayon paper drawings, and they ‘pitched’ the project to GEA.
Apparently, at this meeting, the GEA people (aliens) were very impressed with all the flashy lights on the cardboard model, and they immediately accepted to fund the project.
To celebrate the deal, a couple of crumbling ‘Matriarch’s Writings’ changed hands (flippers) as gifts, and the wheels were set in motion.
Galactic Day 2
At this point in my investigation, I wanted to find out what our citizens had to say about the HOLE issue. I set out to the Embassies, and came across a lively bunch of people (real people and some aliens) by the lake.
As I approached them, I could see that this was clearly an interesting bunch. They were engaged in a very spirited argument about ‘who fault was it that Joker had drowned in the lake’ and ‘who is going to jump in the lake to get the Normandy’s ignition keys out of Joker’s pocket’.
Did they have something to say about the HOLE? Well, let’s just say that I ended up nailing some amazing interviews, and enough material to write a couple of books on the mentally hill.
According to my new publisher, I’m only allowed to share with you a couple of audio quotes, sorry about that.
AUDIO CLIP 2 –Presidium Embassies Interviews, the Essential Collection
Question:
“What do you think about this HOLE business?”
Emily Wong, Me
Answers (kind of, sorry):
“I know for a fact that this HOLE business is a Conatix plot to bring back the BAaT days. I mean, every time I look at that HOLE my head hurts, and my nose bleeds. What more proof do you need?”
(Do you have an aspirin on you Emily? Thanks. And some water? No? Damn.)
Kaidan, Real People, Normandy’s Co-Something
“I'm only 107 so I don’t feel comfortable talking about HO...*cough*. But I would really like to know the truth behind this particular HO...*cough*. Oh, for the love of the Prothean Architectonic Balance, will I ever be able to say the word HO...*cough*"
Liara, Alien, Prothean Expert, Virgin.
“I don’t care about that HOLE. HOLES are a bunch of morons. I’m not afraid of any HOLES. Joker, disconnect….oh… right.”
(Tali, jump in that damn lake and get me my damn keys before C-SEC shows up)
Shepard, Real People, Normandy’s Commander, Renegade
“WHOOAA, what kind of big weapon could make such a VERY LARGE HOLE? That seems like a fight I would like to see.
(What? It's the actual design of the ship? Are you guys sure?)
AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH”
Wrex, Alien, Mercenary
“You’ll never know the beauty of being a HOLE. Watching, as an increasing number of little HOLES grow around you, and slowly but surely they turn into an army. An army of little HOLES to serve you, and hug you, and…”
Benezia, Alien, obviously in dire need of proper medical attention.
“The human species has suffered these indignities long enough. The human species demands a ship with an equally VERY LARGE HOLE. LARGER, even…”
Udina, Real People, Very Displeased Ambassador
“When I was a young boy… (Dam you Shepard, put that Bio-guitar away)…I actually worked with a Spectre named Saren. I could tell you a thing or two about that particular A. HOLE, but that information is still classified, sorry. “
Anderson, Real People, Retired Captain, President of the ‘Let’s all hate Saren together’ Foundation
“Please, everybody. I’m feeling a bit light headed. Stop saying HO...*Cough*.”
Liara, 15 galactic minutes after her original statements.
“That VERY LARGE HOLE it's a slap in our Galactic Lord's face. Only our Galactic Lord can make truly beautiful HOLES. Let’s lock and load and burn those sinful alien fuc…”
(Look Kaidan, you need water for that aspirin anyway, so you might as well jump in the lake and get the damn keys.)
Williams, Real People, Heavily Armed, True Believer, also has a sister or a cat or something
“It seems like a Geth HOLE design to me. I know a lot about ships, and engines, and stuff, OH, OH, and HOLES too, and I’ve never seen a ship with such a VERY LARGE HOLE. I wish I could bring back that HOLE to my poor people back at the flotilla.”
(Hey Emily, how about a special report on my pilgrimage?)
Tali, Alien, nobody really cares what she does just as long as she’s doing it somewhere else.
“So many criminals to wast...ahem... apprehend in the galaxy, and they just slowly move about? And what exactly are they planning to hide in that HOLE?”
(Emily, I noticed you're not wearing your Citadel journalist ID TAG. That sort of thing can get you in a lot of trouble real fast. Consider it a friendly warning.)
Garrus, Alien, Freelancer Vigilante Nut Job /C-SEC Officer Nut Job, depending on what Galactic time it is.
“AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH,AH”
Wrex, 1 galactic hour after his original statements
AUDIO CLIP 2 –Presidium Embassies Interviews, the Essential Collection
At this point it became clear to me, that everybody in Citadel was painfully aware of the HOLE, but that no one actually had a clue about the truth behind it.
It also became very clear, that the Council should seriously consider investing on some sort of Galactic Mental Health Care Facility.
Galactic Day 3
Now, I’m sure most of you are familiar with this bit.
Two Galactic years ago, BWS publicly announced that the Ascension was …ready to leave the space yard.
So, the ship…shipped (sorry).
But to everybody’s surprise, the Ascension was not a whole ship, but a ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle. And suddenly, all eyes and ears (and some antennas) turned to the BWS guys (or gals).
I needed to look at the big picture, but I quickly decided against it because the Citadel Rapid Transit System was offline again, and I was too tired to walk all the way down to the Galactic Citadel Museum.
Instead, I jumped on my sheep, sorry, ship, and went down to the BWS space yard, because the next logical step in my investigation was to get some insight on the HOLE, directly from the BWS guys (or gals).
Did I get it? No. But I ended up with another great interview and…a new friend.
AUDIO CLIP 3 – Interview with anonym, former PR, freelance interior decorator and Acolyte.
Emily - Hi.
anonym - Hi.
Emily - So, you’re the BWS PR guy (or gal), right?
anonym - Uh…Well…OK.
Emily - Well, I’m sure you know that everybody on Citadel have been wondering about the HOLE for the past 2 Galactic years. Care to comment?
anonym - … (reads papers with notes) … Well Emily, I really don’t see why everybody is paying so much attention to the whole HOLE business. The Ascension has a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle, true, but it works.
Emily - Well, that’s not what I asked, but let’s talk about that for a moment. According to the Ascension’s crew, the ship sometimes kind of almost works, but it's not really capable of using Mass Relays, so it's kind of stuck in this system. Was this feature intended?
anonym - Uh… (reads papers with notes) …actually Emily, that’s just the Ascension’s crew being lazy. BWS already made available on the extranet Bio-forums, several Bio-topics with 'workarounds' for this so called 'problem'. And no, it's not an intended feature...At least… (reads papers with notes) …I don’t think so…
Emily - I see. And what exactly are these ‘workarounds’? Because the crew claims that the ship still can’t leave the system, so they just slowly move her about, which looks terribly silly.
anonym - Uh… (reads paper with notes)… it involves a bit of 'tweaking' of some computer core files related to the Ascension’s FLT Element Zero Core Mass Reduction Drive Driver software... I think…
Emily - And what about the reports that the ship displays turn black every few minutes without warning?
anonym - Uh… (reads paper with notes)…actually, that’s another example of the Ascension’s crew being lazy, because the 'Ascension' manual clearly states that all V.I.'s, A.I’s and PI’s interfaces should be updated to the latest version to avoid such problems. BWS even provided an extranet Bio-link for that. They have to carefully read the manual, that’s all. … (reads paper with notes)…OH, and they can also send vid-mails to our partners, GEA, for further technical assistance… if they really, really, want to…
Emily - Fair enough. Now, let’s get back to the HOLE…
anonym - (SIGH) Look Emily, you’re a nice girl and I …uh…kind of think you’re really cute, so I can’t do this…
Emily – What?
anonym - I don’t really work for BWS. I mean, they did hired me last Galactic week but not as their PR.
Emily – So, what did they hire you for?
anonym – Well, they knew I usually moonlight as an interior decorator on the Galactic weekends, so they wanted me to get read of all the sheep ‘motifs’, so that the place would look more like an actual space yard.
Emily – On the Galactic weekends? And what do you do during the Galactic week?
anonym – I work for the Asari Consort. I’m an Acolyte.
Emily - So…you’re not really a PR?
anonym - Actually, until last Galactic year, I was working as a PR for the Batarians. And before you ask, no, at the time I didn’t know their main business was slavery, I thought they were a legit NGO (Non Galactic Organization).
Emily - You totally lost me.
Anonym – Look, I was here having a meeting with the BWS ‘brass’ about the new blue velvet drapes for the space yard. When they spotted you parking your ship out front, they handed me 1000 creds to pretend I was their PR. Then they shoved these papers with these ridiculous notes in my hand (flipper), and they all rushed through the yard’s back door. But I don’t have a clue about the HOLE.
Emily - Well, that leaves me in a tough spot. I was hoping to get some answers from them…
anonym - Sorry. They’re gone.
Emily - ... (damn)...Ah...Uh...Wait, have we met before?
anonym - Yes…
Emily - Where? Because I can’t seem to...
anonym - The Consort's Chambers...
Emily - I’m still not...
anonym - I was there that day you somehow managed to get the Consort's Prothean Trinket stuck in your A…
Emily - All righty then. We’re done here.
AUDIO CLIP 3 – Interview with anonym, former PR, freelance interior decorator and Acolyte.
Galactic Day 4
Instead of answers, I only had more questions:
-What’s a ‘Bavarian’?
-Should I ask that Asari anonym guy (or gal) out?
-I already paid for my Bio-Digital copy of ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, so why does the GEA Bio-Online V.I. insists on telling me that I can’t play?
-Will the Asari Consort ever consider selling me the Prothean Trinket?
-Why the hell did the Elcor genius in charge of editing the audio on my special reports, decided not to cut out the last few lines from that last audio clip?
It was time to find out what the Ascension’s crew had to say, but since the Ascension was currently busy slowly moving about, I decided to stay home, and check on the BWS extranet Bio-forums instead.
I had a hard time getting online, so I used my ESP (Extranet Service Provider) hotline and they told me the whole extranet was crashing a lot due to : ‘the ugly mess down at the BWS extranet Bio-forums’.
After a couple of Galactic hours on the extranet, I managed to reach the Bio-forums. What I saw was not pretty.
Transcription 1
BWS extranet Bio-forums /Sheep/Ascension/Technical Forum (no help at all, self or any other kind)
Bio-Post #3456
‘How ridiculous do you think we feel slowly moving about on a ship with a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle? We paid for a whole ship, not for a ship with a hole.’
(Ascension’s requisitions officer)
Bio-Post #14564
‘PLEASE, do something ASAP about the VERY LARGE HOLE because I can’t take the vagina jokes anymore.’
(Ascension’s on board sex adviser)
Bio-Post #19999
‘We’re definitely not buying any more ships from you… unless it’s a really, really hyped ship.’
(Ascension’s requisitions officer…again)
Bio-Post #23110
‘How would you feel if that pretty little space yard of yours had a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle?’
(Ascension’s weapons officer)
Bio-Posts #32453 to #99354
‘Just give us the damn ‘plug’ already.’
(Ascension’s pretty much everybody…twice)
Bio -Post #123654
‘ Well, I’m actually trying to solve this, so for the love of the Asari Consort’s blue knickers, can some one tell me what to do with all the extra files on the:
X: \Manholes\Systemic\Sheep\Ascension\BWS\Data\Jean_Luc\FLT\Energy_Zero
directory?
I mean, there are hundreds of .cfgddsexe files. Where are the regular files with the 24 letter extensions? Can a guy (or gal) get some help? Oh shit. The damn displays are black again. You bast...’
(Ascension’s tech guy (or gal))
Bio-Post # 123655
‘Hey, tech guy (or gal). Are the Consort’s knickers really blue?’
(Ascension’s Commander)
Transcription 1
Was it possible that I was finally getting some facts? You bet.
-I send a vid-mail to the Asari Consort about selling me the Prothean Trinket, but as it turns out, she’s very attached to it. Small wonder, really.
-There’s a lot of Volus gay porn floating around on the extranet.
-Apparently, the Elcor genius who made the BWS neon-sign all those Galactic years ago is currently working for Galactic News, on the Audio Editing Division.
-According to the online Galactipedia, ‘Bavarians’ were a mythological winged people from 20th Century Earth, who worshiped some kind of purple deity called ‘Lederhosen’. I bet that anonym guy (or gal) had a really tough time working for them.
Galactic Day 5
Unfortunately, I was getting nowhere on the HOLE issue.
My last chance for some actual information on the subject was to talk with someone from the Council, because there was no way in Galactic hell I was getting anywhere near the eerie GEA guys (or gals).
I was very lucky, because Asari Council member, Ileana Blue Matriarch was having a slow day at the Council, and she actually talked to me (or...her hologram did).
Audio Clip 4 - Interview with Asari Council Member
Emily – Hi Ileana.
Ileana – Hi Emily. You can call me IBM. All my friends do.
Emily – OK. And you can call me …Uh… any time. I have some questions for you.
Ileana – Sure.
Emily – How’s the ’Erection’ doing?
Ileana – Who’s? Why? What have you heard?
Emily – The Asari flagship…
Ileana – Oh, right. Well, the Erection has a lot of dents in the hull and it needs to be replaced. Unfortunately there’s nothing the Council can do about it, except for what we’ve already done.
Emily – You mean the Council actually did something?
Ileana – Well, we reassigned the Erection to a new patrol path, away from the Galactic Driving School. You know, to prevent any more dents on the hull.
Emily – Will the Ascension ever replace the Erection?
Ileana – Yes, if that HOLE ever gets ‘plugged’… and that ‘black displays’ glitch fixed.
Emily – I guess that would be a small victory for the Council?
Ileana – Sure. I mean, we can’t honestly say that a sheep, sorry, ship is ready for Galactic duty, if the only thing it can do is slowly move about. It just looks terribly silly.
Emily – I agree, it does.
Ileana – I mean, the Council has other important matters to address, and here we are stuck on this HOLE issue.
Emily – Other important matters?
Ileana – Yes.
Emily – Care to elaborate?
Ileana – Well, for instance, I could tell you that we really need to legislate on the Keepers disgusting sexual habits.
Emily – That’s interesting. Do Keepers have sex?
Ileana – No. And that’s just disgusting, right?
Emily – …Uh…Anything else?
Ileana – Well, we’re also looking for a human Spectre. We had a good candidate, but apparently he wasn’t interested.
Emily – Why not? Did he tell you?
Ileana – No. When I asked him, he just said the Council was a bunch of morons. Then, he got really mad, and he started shooting his AR at my hologram for 10 Galactic minutes and ordered his weird bunch of friends to do the same. After that he started yelling to some poor guy in a Bio-wheelchair to 'disconnect'...
Emily - And then what happened?
Ileana - Well the guy in the Bio-wheelchair was desperately trying to explain to him that he couldn’t switch off my hologram. After that, he got really, really mad, said something about a lake, and they all left.
Emily – I see. By the way, where are the other Councillors?
Ileana – They took the day off from the Council, because they are starting some business Company or something.
Emily – Really? What kind of business?
Ileana – I think they wanted to get in on the ship, sorry, sheep business.
Emily - …Uh…Thanks IBM.
Ileana – Bye, Emily.
Audio Clip 4 - Interview with Asari Council Member
Galactic Day 6
My editor was nagging me about the deadline, and I ended up spending the rest of my expense creds on a Bio-Retail copy of ‘Forever Autumn Days 567’, so I needed to go home, and see if I could get a Bio-Refund from that GEA Bio-Online V.I. bitch.
Oh, and that anonym guy send me a vid-mail asking me out on a date.
As for the HOLE, I guess will it always remain a mystery.
As I always do, I leave you with some bits and pieces I picked up during my investigation.
See you on my next special report, always here, on Galactic News.
Bye Citadel.
BITS AND PIECES
BWS announced last week that a new ‘weapons tactical software’ named BDS (Blast those Damn Ships), is available on the extranet, in the form of DLC (not a clue about this one).
As a ‘gesture of good will and so that people (real people and aliens) would stop giving them a hard time about the HOLE ’, BWS made the new software available not only for the 'Ascension', as originally intended , but for all Asari ships registered on the extranet BWS Bio-forums with a valid ship license plate.
This seems to have caused additional problems for the BWS guys (or gals), because apparently the SYRRRC verification system put in place to assure that only Asari ships with a valid ship license plate benefitted from the BDS software, seems to 'dislike' the custom made ship license plates, ever so popular with Asari Admirals these days.
SYRRRC - SAVE YOUR RAM & ROM & REM CYCLES
The company who developed the SYRRRC verification system is also having some problems with their new ‘hot’ product:
PONY Chastity Belt for Asari Kids.
Targeting mainly Asari mothers (or fathers) with kids (alien kids), the product is reported to suffer from a serious design flaw.
Apparently, the belts refuse to unlock, even when a legitimate product code is inserted during the decryption process.
There are already several reports of injuries caused by young Asari desperately trying to bypass the verification system using biotics and small ‘micro-scaled mass accelerator’ arms.
During my investigation, the words Galactic lawsuit came up a lot. Other, not so kind words came up a lot. Also, some gestures.
The original cardboard model used 50 galactic years ago by BWS to ‘pitch’ the Ascension project to GEA was recently recovered by an anonym interior decorator. The model was found under a foam sheep, at the BWS space yard.
As it turns out, the Ascension's cardboard model also has a VERY LARGE HOLE in the middle. The purpose of the HOLE in the model was to provide adequate spacing for the extensive wiring required for all the flashy lights. The real sized ‘Ascension’ has no flashy lights.
Late reports that a large number of Dreadnoughts from the AA are abandoning their patrols paths and gathering near the BWS space yard have not yet been confirmed.
AA - Asari Admiralty
There are rumours floating around on the extranet about a new Bio-Game:
‘Sometimes Spring Afternoons – Marybeth’s garden party’
To this day, GEA still holds the manufacturing and distribution rights on flashy lights everywhere in the Galaxy.
Wrex was taken to the Wards Clinic with severe stomach problems, right after his interview.
When asked about his condition, Dr. Michel had this to say:
“I’ve never seen anything like this. He just can’t stop laughing. Between laughs he just gasps for air and says something like
‘you silly Asari’.
C-SEC is offering a reward of 1 million creds for information leading to the recovery of the Asari Consort's Prothean Trinket. Apparently, the Prothean Trinket was stolen from her chambers by an unidentified human female.
Other than Wrex, no animals (aliens) were hurt during the course of this investigation. Benezia doesn’t really counts because she was already in pretty bad shape when I met her.
Ascension, the w(hole) story
A Galactic News Special Report, by Emily Anonym Wong
Galactic News # 6789
The audio clips featured in this Galactic News edition are not to be sold separately
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