So....dreams DO come true.
Hello everyone, it has been a while hasn't it? If I were a bigger man I would admit the reason why I haven't posted in a while is because I am lazy and that I am not that funny or good to warrant such a long hiatus. However I am such a coward so I blame my Master Course failing, doing Library school and looking for a job while contemplating moving to England to be with the Misses but being afraid of such an commitment. You may also have noticed I am not reviewing a Dinosaur movie....again.
In my humble defence, screw you and Sharks are as old as Dinosaurs.
So much like Dinosaur before this, I saw Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus the other day so I decided to tell you my experience of it.
This movie was stupid. Really, fucking, stupid. And bless it's stupid little heart. The movie knows it's shit, the actors know it's shit and even the producers thought it was shit. They didn't even get the funds to make this movie 3D and you know what, it's a dumb shame because the only way this stupiidty could be seen would have been with 3D glasses.
The movie was created by the geniuses of The Asylum. a movie company with first dibs on any and all mockbusters. From Transformers you got Transmorphers, for Pacific Rim you got Atlantic Rim, for Thor you got...Thor. But you probably know them best from the classic known as Sharknado. An interesting note they also made a Christian version of High School Musical. Oh yes people, Asylum is the seedy C-film movie factory that is a god send for people like me. You know how much I reveled in Raptor and Future War. This is my shit, man!
Another awesome thing is Asylum also hires actors from old tv shows so you get super nostalgic and half the time they are the best actors in the movie! They had Commander Sheridan from B5 in their Transmorpher movie and Gabriel from Xena in Moby Dick 2010! And of course in this master piece of shit theatre...we got Lorenzo Lamas. YES my friends...we got Renegade with us tonight.
Clearly, we have been blessed.
And we also got...Debbie Gibson? Who the HELL is Debbie Gibson and how DARe she have top billing over Lorenzo Lamas?!
Lets see urghm...appeared in a episode of Beverely Hills 90210, Rock of Ages, did a few reality shows...who the hell is Debbie Gibson?!
Oh well doesn't matter, I'm here for the Lamas! go kick that Shark's ass, Reno!
Little backstory...oh fuck who cares, you read the title. The hell do you expect to happen? Godzilla just married Rodan and they go to Tokio for their honeymoon but he hasn't told his parents yet so they keep trying to hook him up with the Cloverfield Monster who actually fancies Gypsy Danger so wacky antics ensue? No sir! It's about a giant fucking shark and a giant fucking octopus duking it out like men! Animals...whatever.
Our movie starts with a small submarine studying the migration patterns of whales that our main character, the oceanographer Emma Macneil played by Debbie, took without permission from her employer.
Okay....soooo Renegade is her boss then, right? She's calling down the thunder and he comes down to roundhouse kick her in the face? No? well he better show up soon then. Transmorphers did a better job introducing Bruce Boxleitner as a main character then this POS.Also heads up here, zero consequences of her stealing said sub. Like none whatsoever. This movie KNOWS we're here for the monsters fighting and by god we're getting into that!
Anyway, a military helicopter drops experimental sonar transmitters into the water, causing a pod of whales to go out of control and start ramming a nearby glacier. In the chaos, which i presume comes from the constant flashing this movie does, the helicopter crashes into the glacier, and the combined damage breaks the glacier open which reveals our titelar characters who then each go their seperate way. The Octopus of course goes to Japan to attack an Oil rig ( and possibly molest some school girls along the way because Japan.) while our shark....look it's best I show you.
Yes, the Giant Shark leaped out of the ocean to grab a plane....can you see why I picked this movie, people?
Anyways blonde scientist lady who looks less like a Scientist than that chick from Alone in the Dark, who at least wore glasses, gets called in to work so she would get fired for stealing a submarine worth millions of dolla- I mean investigate corpses of whales along the California beach who aparantly have been munched on. Of course her boss thinks a tanker propeller did the damage so Amity Island can remain open during the summer season to bring in the tourist cash. But clever miss Macnneil spots a large tooth in the whale's flesh which she shows to her old mentor, former U.S. Navy pilot, professor Lamar Sanders played by Scientist Billy Connely.
Okay the guy isn't played by Billy but he has the accent, the beard and he's entertaining. I'm calling him whatever the hell I like. They also get joinend by a Japanese guy called Dr. Seiji Shimada who is investigating the Oil rig attack on Japan. They re-watch the tapes and find out that both creatures were frozen into that glacier for millions of years, locked in an enternal battle. Of course this movie cant leave well enough alone and say Global warming was responsible for this. Asshole, the helicopter crashing into the thing and the large ass whales tackling into it caused it. If I wanted to give a shit about Mother Nature I would be watching Captain Planet right now. And where's Lorenzo Lamas?!
Meanwhile an US Destroyer engages the Mega Shark, and with that I mean we get shown the same shots of the ship over and over again with flashy things coming from the guns which supringly leaves no smoke behind as to protect the envirement, with I swear to god the most inept Captain I ever saw in fiction. The guy orders his dudes to fire and when there is no signal he immdiatly dtarts celebrating and says "Target is neutralized" with the biggest shit eating grinning you ever saw before in fiction. However since we're only 30 minutes in the Shark re-appears and begins to munch on the Destroyer while the Captain shits himself while being in complete shock.It's been over an half hour, where the hell is Lorenzo Lamas?!
Aaaargh...enter joke about the US Navy sucking here.
Fine, perfect, excellent, print it!
Of course because the two monsters who are causing so much damage....which we never get to see, the trio get kidnapped by the Goverment to solve the problem. And who is it that plays the asshole Goverment guy that shoves a gun in their face to work faster?! THAT's RIGHT!
YES, THE LAMAS HAS LANDED! YES! USA, USA, USA!
The Lamas is here to bring down the thunder on these bitches! He doesn't even care if his own guys get killed! He's that hard core!
But sadly not even the Lamas with his clever plan of sending waves of his men at the creatures until they had enough and go home works and so it's up to the Science nerds to figure shit out.
And they do! You see Macneil ( Single female scientist, having loads of sex) and Japanese Dr Guy have some unseen chemistry and start shagging in the janitor's closet where they come across the realization that pheromones attract animals. So if they can make a pheromone to attract both creatures toward an area where they are easily caught in a trap. Okay, good plan, top marks! ....One problem. How the hell do you use pheromones for creatures that have been extinct for millions of years? Do you use shark pheromones? If so, how much? Do-ah fuck it, dont care. So Dr Japan goes back to...Japan to draw the Octopus ( I'm not sure why they dont send in Crimson Typhoon either) there while the Americans try to draw the Shark to the bay of San Francesco. Okay since this is a monster movie that takes place in San Fran, how big will the chance be that the Golden Gate bridge gets trashed?
I think the chances are pretty high!
So of course both the US Navy and the Japanese Navy suck and both creatures get away. Look I can understand the Japanese Navy, ok? Godzilla wastes them every five years or so. It's understandible why they are so weak but GODDAMNIT America you have Liam Neeson as an Admiral in your Fleet, you got ZERO excuse. You dropped the ball man, I am VERY dissapoint.
So the nerds come up with another plan. How about we actually have in a movie called MEga Shark VS Giant Octopus....you know, HAVE THE TWO ACTUALLY HAVE A VERSUS?! I'm not even kidding, you dont get to see the goddamn Octopus for most of the film! I think he even has less screen time then Moriarty in the 2009 Sherlock Holmes movie!
So our heroes draw both monsters in for a final battle somewhere north where Blonde lady says "They should feel more comfortable".
....
Okay, lady. It's not because you got frozen in a block of ice for over a million years you want to go back somewhere cold again. If I was that Shark, no matter how horny I might be, I would NEVER go back to the Alaskian coast EVER again. Hell if I was the Octopus I would stay in Japan. Chicks love the tentacles.
I'm just saying....
But of course both Monsters get drawn toward the Alaskan coast for their final battle. And all kinds of crazy things happen. First off everyone seems to be looking at the fight...despite the fact they are in a Submarine and there are no windows like it's the USS Enterprise. Lorenzo Lamas being able to look through steel I can understand but the lady whose biggest achievement is being a celibrity guest star in a few reality shows...yeah, no. There's even a point where the helmsmen freaks out and pulls a gun on people because...well everyone on the ship is bat shit insane. Look I cant blame the guy, not everyone is cut out to be part of the Lamas cannon fodder programme.
Also I found this similarity.
-skip to 1:38-
No comedic thing here, I just miss Heroes.
And lo, After a climactic four minute blurry as hell fight, both Titans die in each other's grasp and sink to the bottom. At the end they tease us with a sequel, with MacNeil, Sanders, and Shimada deciding to visit the North Sea after receiving infrared images of mysterious organic life there. Which Asylum in their brilliance presented "Mega Shark Versus Crocosaurus"....a movie I should've reviewed instead of this one come to think of it! It all adds up though! Although some claim neither Shark nor Octopus won that day...nor did the audience nor the crew who wasted their time both making and watching this film. Except me, I won. It was a stupid, brainless flick and I loved it!
Catch you guys later with hopefully an actual Dinosaur movie!