Hey guys, i'm back with a Dinosaur movie.
Yes Godzilla technically isn’t a dinosaur but in my defense… shut up.
Okay if you want an excuse, they call him a dinosaur twice in the movie so there. You happy? Can we get along with this? Okay, good.
First a little history lesson. Sit your ass down, I spend an good amount of time writing this shit down so you can read it!
Lets go back to Japan around 1954. Around ten years earlier the US dropped two atomic bombs which forced Japan to submit to the US rather than Russia at the end of WWII. Those atomic bombs, even to this day, are still in the Japanese’ Collective Conscious and it shows when you look at several Anime, novels and films. Examples include Grave of Fireflies, Akira and Godzilla. The latter it’s more on the nose, Godzilla being created from atomic bombs and such, since the Soviets were running bomb tests near the Western supporting Japan.
Godzilla, or Gojira, is quite an interesting premise when you look into it properly. Although it starts off as a mixture of then contemporary fears ( Atomic weapons) and primal fears ( Sea monsters coming from the depths to destroy mankind) it becomes somewhat of a icon. The reason why Godzilla is so popular in Japan is because there is hero worship in there. You could even say he might be Japan’s version of Superman.
In the latter films instead of fighting the military, Godzilla fights off monsters much like him to defend his territory ( Tokio). In the latest film, 2004’s Godzilla Final Wars, Godzilla saves the Earth from Aliens who use monsters to attack it. This gradual change from monster to hero you can even argue can be compared to Japan’s relationship with America or Atomic energy. The lumbering monster ( The Us attacking Japan with atomic force) to the hero ( Japan’s friendship with the US and it’s use of Atomic energy). So how does America repay said relationship?
BY MAKING A GODAWFULL GODZILLA MOVIE!
This movie is completely anything BUT a Godzilla movie and has nothing to do with the character save it’s name. It’s just a giant lizard that goes around New York, breaking shit apart. The buzz for this film was big as well. Back in 1998 you saw loads of signs saying “His head is as big as this sign” or “his feet is as long as this bus”. There were music videos, teasers, trailers and above all…they never showed the monster, a similar technique later used in Cloverfield. You want to see the monster, go watch the movie.
In fact the best part of the film is right up until the scene where you see the monster. The scenes with the ships being pulled under by Godzilla are suspenseful, the destruction it leaves behind are impressive and to see the monster run amuck in NY while you see the chaos going around is just fantastic, and in fact perfected by Cloverfield. Speaking of, who would win? Godzilla vs Cloverfield and both have Mothra and King Kong as tag team partners respectively. Seriously if that movie happens I will be so happy you guys.
Sorry, sorry…lost my focus there. But come on, we got Matthew Broderick and Jean Rino going up against a giant radioactive lizard that pretends to be Godzilla. At least give me something nice to look at movie. ANYTHING!
…..I hate you.
Right let’s begin with the beginning. The intro shows a weapon’s test in French Polynesia with lizards in the background. The music is fitting and actually quite suspenseful. A good start.
We open on a Japanese fishing ship where we see the radar is picking up something big. The alarm goes off as the ship gets attacked. Giant claws rip the hull open as a giant tail smashes into the bridge while the ship’s cook runs away and becomes the sole survivor of this attack. The first few minutes nail this down. Giant monster, ship goes under and we just see enough to become scared. So what’s the next scene? Oh, we cut to the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone! That’s a good set-
…we cut to Matthew fucking Broderick digging up fucking giant Earth Worms while singing in the fucking rain!
All that suspense?! Gone out the fucking window! I mean…of all the songs which could give a dramatic irony you picked SINGING IN THE FUCKING RAIN?!
There are hundreds of other songs you could’ve picked! I Don't Want to Set the World On Fire, I cone and stand at every door, The times they are a changing and so forth. Oh my god….alright, so Broderick plays a geeky science guy called Dr Niko Tatopoulos who gets drafted by the US Army to find out what is attacking fishing ships along Tahiti and Jamaica. Now I know what you are thinking, gee the guys who directed this also directed Indepence day and that movie had Jeff Goldblum who was in Jurassic Park and he was a geeky science guy in that movie. Yes, you are right. Here have a cookie. Would it have been awesomer if Jeff Goldblum was in this movie….kinda maybe? Look I liked Broderick in Inspector Gadget so I got nothing against him as an actor, but with this script man. …
Right back to the movie we cut to some hospital where Jean Rino is questioning the cook from the attack. Again this scene is very nicely done, as if someone else took over the directing.
Then we cut to Jamaica where see the swath of destruction Godzilla left behind. Buildings destroyed, giant ships casually tossed aside by some giant thing that left giant ass footprints behind. Again really nicely done. We get introduced to the supporting characters which include Colonel Hicks, Dr Elsie Chapman who fancies Niko….bad taste in men but whatever and Mendel Craven who is another geeky science guy who isnt really Craven at all. You know I don’t know if I should be glad the filmmakers didn’t do anything with him or not.
For those keeping count that is three, THREE geeky science people. For characters that are supposedly just comic relief, I actually do like ‘em. Even Chapman and Craven got a mini romantic arc kind off as well as Major Hicks and his subordinate Sergeant O’Neil. They are given very little to do yet the actors do a amazing job to breath life into these characters.
Hell the guys who play Hicks and craven were regulars in the animated series that take place after this movie, so props on them. However not even good characters who try their best can make up for this shitty movie and just the stupidity it deals with…which includes stupid characters and stupid actions they take.
So we cut to New York where it rains. Constantly. Another reason why this movie sucks is because the rain you almost cant see anything. I know they were going for the same effect the T-Rex scene had in Jurassic Park and in the original Godzilla movie in the fifties Godzilla actually appeared during a terrible storm. However in those examples the rain was done well and you could actually see what the hell was going on because it was nicely lit and not everything was CGI animated. In here you can barely see THE TITULAR CHARACTER because they wanted to warrant the Singing in the rain song.
Anyways in New York we get introduced to characters you don’t give a shit about, even though half of them are people from the Simpsons. The only one who stands out is Hank Azaria because he plays a relatable character and has one of the coolest shots in the movie where he enarly gets stomped on by Godzilla.
We meet Dr Tatwhogivesafuckapolis’ ex girlfriend Audry who works for some news agency but after eight years is still just the secretary for one of the Anchor guys who is a asshole who wants to sleep with her if she wants that promotion. Her arc is she left her boyfriend to go to NY to make it big as a reporter. Without leaving any hints of her leaving after he PROPOSED to her. So why should I give a damn about this character? Worst thing of all nothing she does in this movie redeems herself at all. If anything Broderick should’ve gone with Karrie and…wait, no sorry. Mixing up Sex and the City there.
Who the hell wants to marry Sarah Jessica Parker anyway? I mean my god man…Sex and the City sucked.
HOLY SHIT IT'S GODZI- wait, sorry. False alarm folks.
On the plane to New York, the science guys piece together that because of the radiation and the footprints that this monster is a mutated lizard who switched over to fish because Mothra aint around yet to be eaten.
We then cut back to NY where the monster arrives and walks around and stomps on stuff.
A very cool scene, shit gets wrecked and there is the aforementioned awesome scene where Hank Azaria nearly gets stomped on. Although in hindsight it would’ve been best if it did happen…
So the storylines meet as the army fights Godzilla….and this is where the movie goes down the shitter. You see the problem with this movie is exactly the same as why Ang Lee’s 2003 Hulk sucks. The Hulk, or in this case Godzilla, has no-one interesting to fight. Both the Hulk and Godzilla lay waste to entire armies and not even flinch while they wreck tanks and helicopters apart. If nothing can hurt them, why should you care about your character? In the Godzilla animated series and in the Incredible Hulk and the Avengers, both characters fight monsters that CAN hurt them. While in this movie SPOI- ah fuck it, Godzilla does get killed by the US army…it’s still bullshit. Only two things can take Godzilla down, either another giant monster or the megazord. I mean look at the intro for the CANON animated show.
And…
Did I mention that show is more hardcore and awesome then this movie?
Right back on track. So after the army gets its ass handed to them by Godzilla, there is a total media blackout about the entire affair. So how does Audry make things worse? She gets back in touch with Dr Tatohidontgiveashittopolis so she has access inside the military base, because you know…they are flexible that way, and steals a VHS tape about what the army currently knows of Godzilla….including the fact that the army doesn’t know if they can handle it and there is a chance it might reproduce asexually. Because fuck you biology.
Okay, not only does this make Audry a complete BITCH but also someone who just unleashed the panic gates. Imagine, Cthullu is strolling around a city you don’t life to far away from and the army is dealing with him. They say everything is fine but then suddenly there is a news report saying “Game over man, game over!” and Cthullu has the ability to spawn an army. Let’s just say a lot of people will go on suicide watch, just saying.
www.mikechurch.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/You-Cant-Handle-the-TRUTH.jpg?84cd58[/img]So because Niko was thinking with his dick, he gets booted off the program and nobody listens about the mini Godzillas theory. So Audry goes to apologize but Dr Tatiamrunningoutofideasopolis wisely blows her off. But instead of going home, he gets picked up by Jean Reno who just got back from saving Paris from Japanese demons.
No I’m serious, he was in a Samurai game where he fought Japanese demons.
I don’t know what to think of it myself…you are welcome?
So Jean Reno drafts Broderick into the French Secret service so they can hunt down the Godzilla egg or eggs. Again, Reno does an awesome job with this character despite the fact the directors gave him nothing to work with. So for those who keep count, the SUPPORTING characters are more interesting than the leads. Insert Twilight or Austin Power jokes here.
The army goes for a round 2 with Godzilla and they actually manage to knock him out with Submarines. Insert Hunt for the Red October joke here. Oh fuck I just mentioned an Alec Baldwin movie….scraping at the bottom of the barrel here guys.
Now the lame last 30 minutes of this movie start and to be frank it’s pretty fucking unimaginative.
Audry, feeling bad because she fucking should be, decides to follow Broderick toward a possible nesting ground. We find out that the nest is in Madison Square garden. If that’s the case why don’t they just call the Ultimate Warrior and the Rock, they can sort Godzilla out.
And by the forces of plot convenience, serendipity and lady luck combined as a luck version of Captain Planet all the eggs hatch and little Godzilla’s come out eating the fish their daddy left behind. Now here is the rub, because everyone inside has been going around the fish a lot they smell like the fish and so….we got the Raptor scene from Jurassic Park now.
I’m not kidding, the little Godzilla’s despite the fact they are barely one hour old can hunt IN PACKS and kill almost the entire team of the French special forces. I know there is a gag of the French surrendering but COME ON man.
and there goes the rest of the female readers.
Our heroes meet, again thanks to the forces of plot convenience, and broadcast to the world that the eggs hatched and unless the army bombs Madison Square Garden we will be in bat country. And they broadcast this like it’s a interview with dramatic music going on. But I have a few problems with this scene. One, why the FUCK would you want to do this in a interview format?! Just say “Guys, there are tons of Godzilla’s in Madison Square Garden. You gotta bomb this or it’s game over for the human race!”. Two, their names and shit pop up below them which means they had a lot of prep time…while the Godzilla raptors ARE RIGHT BEHIND THEM. And Three, why the hell did it have to be LIVE?! What did I just say about people panicking?! What did I just say?!
Come on Gorvar, just a little further…
I’ll follow you everywhere Applejack, just get me out of this movie!
Major Hicks, why isn’t a General running this op, orders some jets to blow up Madison Square Garden and our heroes manage to get away just in time when it blows. It’s actually kinda sad because they lock the door and the Godzilla Raptors desperately try to get out…a fact not helped when their father/mother re-appears and sees his dead children and actually makes mournful sounds. So we are glad the babies died…but also sad? Imagine if Aliens had a similar approach and you felt sad with the Queen alien when Hadley’s Hope got blown up. It’s pretty much the same thing!
To make this thing short, Godzilla chases around our heroes a little, gets trapped on the Brooklyn bridge and gets shot down.
Lame. Fucking. Lame. Everyone cheers, not knowing the damage done by the US army is coming from their taxes, Dr Tatohmygodimsohappythisshittymovieisoveroplis and Audry get together, Jean Reno goes off to star in Mission Impossible and Hank Azaria continues running the Simpsons right into the ground. Good times!
Until before the credits we see one last Godzilla egg hatch which served as sequel bait.
Thankfully the assholes who made this movie never got it and instead the people who got Godzilla made an animated series which was, like I said before, FUCKING AWESOME.
And that was Godzilla for you folks. I hope you had a good time reading as I had….i didn’t have a good time. Screw it, going back on Star Trek online…