Hey guys.
So....someone suggested Future War to me.
You know I understand why, with like Dinosaurs and shit but urghm...you know, i think this might be the worst dinosaur related flick I've ever seen in my life. This movie made Godzilla look good.
That's right, this movie made Matthew Broderick and Jean Rino look good!
LIES, ALL LIES!
You think a movie starring a super powered slave from the future and a battle nun fighitng against Cyborgs and MONKEY FLYING DINOSAURS would be awesome! But no, it all sucks and even the title is wrong! There is no future or time travel in this nor a war! The only war I had in this movie was my struggle to stay awake through this piece of shit.
Despite it being filmed in 1997, the camera makes it look like it was filmed in the early 80-ties and the Dinosaur puppets...oh SWEET JESUS the Dinosaurs in this.
Hang on a sec, daddy needs to take his medicine.
Sweet, sweet medicine...
Okay, think I can cope now. So what is wrong with this movie you ask? Well it doesnt know what it wants to be. Is it Alien, Terminator, The Fugitive or Universal Soldier but with Dinosaurs? Here's a challenge for you, every time you see them rip off a scene from a movie, take a shot. I'm not going to bother with a counter because....fuck it.
Let's dive in shall we?
We open In Media Res with three people in a place filled with pipes. One of them is our hero, Poor man Jean Claude Van Damme, some blonde chick and some big black guy whom I swear must be related to T-dog.
Pssst, if i were you I wouldnt get attached to this guy. Just saying.
You know with this being a horrible shitty movie with dinosaurs and pipes, I half expected Bob Hoskins to pop in.
OH SWEET JESUS!!! One movie at a time!
So we follow these people while the woman drones exposition about how her live changed when Kung-Fu Kyle Reese cane down from the sky and now thery are being chased by Dinosaurs and their Cyborg masters. You know, Pretty standard stuff....then we get to see what we are fighting this movie.
That's it, i'm done. Show's ever folks, fuck this movie! Seriously why?! WHY?! Even the goddamn puppets from Raptor were better then this. RAPTOR! RAPTOR was better then THIS!
We;re not even ten minutes in, this is just the prologue even! Give me a sec...I need to make a call.
Right, shit where were we? Oh yeah. Our heroes find two of these T-Rex...things and decide to run. As you would.
So they climb up a ladder after a brief gunfight where they actually manage to kill one of them. Look guys, as someone who knows Dinosaurs and hunts them in his spare time...if you can kill one of them, just kill the other one. It's not like you wasted that much ammo.
Anyway the trio climb up a ladder to escape the badly animated Dinosaur, except one of them doesnt make it and gets eaten...aparantly, guessing off the red tinted camera work.
i give you three guesses who, here's a hint.
Cue intro credits!
Interesting fact, did you know that Daniel Bernhardt recently had a revival as is seen in movies like the Matrix and the Hunger Games? So at least someone's career was salvaged. Kinda.....wait, he was in Mortal Kombat: Konquest?!
FUCK THAT GUY!
Anyways after the credits of FUTURE WAR we get to see the FUTURE in our movie...kinda. We open to a spaceship, which looks DEAD alike old Battlestar Galactica, where aparantly there is a escape thing going on....i think? I dunno, the editing in this movie is pretty bad i got no clue. The only thing I see is an escape pod that is shot towards the earth, like Star Wars.
For those who are keeping count at home, that's at least two shots.
We cut to the cue cards.
From the future traveled a
master race of Cyborgs
They made abductions
from Earth’s past
The dinosaurs were
trained as trackers
The humans were
bred as slaves
Now a runaway slave
escapes to a place his
people call heaven…
we know it as Earth You thought I was kidding about Battlestar Galactica didnt you?
Also Earth being the birthplace of an slave race is a nice reference to Stargate, so have another shot!
Anyway after that scene, we open on a beach where supposedly our hero crashed. Do we see any wreckage of that escape pod? Nope, all we get is this Dinosaur chasing him.
That's right, this little thing that cant even possibly eat my dog is what he is running from. Also it was on a leash before it's cyborg master let it go. A dinosaur. On a leash....that's probably worth a shot somewhere.
Oooh boy...funny story? This here Dinosaur is the ONLY ONE you will see this movie. I even bet it's the same dinosaur in all shots because his size changes all the time! Change the colour once in a while for god's sake! add spikes! do something. ANYTHING!
Anyway, slave boy here runs his ass off from compy. He runs past an old man hobbo guy who the dinosaur attacks and kills.So let me get this straight...your track dinosaurs whom you spend loads of time and resources on, just go after the wrong prey?
Was losing your sense of good judgement a price you had to pay for your upgrade to Cyborg? also how do Cyborgs reprocreate in this Evil Empire? They use human slaves so why isnt it the other way around? And why do they use Dinosaurs anyway? And why am I putting more thought into this then the writers did?!
So the tracking dino finds Kung Fu Kyle Reese and what does Kyle Reese do? Snap a neck of course! Oh this is the best part of the entire thing. Every time a Dinosaur dies, it's collar goes off and BOOM. Now why do they go BOOM you ask me? I dont know, i honestly dont know. If i wrote this movie, i would've done it like this.
Boobs, Dinosaurs and lasers. All i'm asking for, movie. All i'm asking for.
So Because the Dino option doesn't work, the cyborg comes in to go one on one with Kyle Reese. in a place surroudned by cardboard boxes. Boxes.
You know if I think of a arena for a fight between a martial artist ( Why do slaves known martial arts? And dont pull that capoeira shit on me, his kung fu aint that jive!) and a killer cyborg I just dont think boxes for some reason. Also for a Cyborg which is supposed to be superior to baseline humans...their vision is a lot suckier than human vision. Seriously he cant see shit with those boxes around him. What kind of pussies are these guys anyway. I never asked for this!
Yes, he is throwing empty boxes at killer cyborgs. Just roll with it.
So he and not Adam Jensen fight...and fight...and fight...and fight some more. Get thrown in a pile of boxes. And fight some more...you know i could be making pancakes whilst im typing this down you know. I;m sacrificing pancake time for you people, i hope you are happy. And they fight some more...until Kung Fu Kyle Reese kills him. Huzzah! And a Dinosaur appears! Huzzah!
Question, how the FUCK did a T-Rex ther size of a house enter a closed off warehouse?! Ah fuck it, doesnt matter. Kung Fu Kyle Reese throws a knife at it, it does, goes boom, scene over.
Jesus christ how far are we in...15 minutes....dont think im going to make this guys.
Right, Kung Fu Kyle Reese runs outside and gets hit by a car, driven by our leading lady, battle nun. Instead of doing the obvious thing and..you know, TAKE HIM TO A FUCKING HOSPITAL, she kidnaps this poor man toT-Dogs' house and has his wife check him out. Again I suppose Hospitals cost a bomb so...thanks Obama!
We cut to some cop guy whom i'll dub Hartigan from Sin City because fuck you I'm writing a better movie in my head, who arrives at the site of the dead hobo. The coroner says the guy got killed by a mountain lion or something so Hartigan says he'll call the zoo and animal patrol.
.....
A Mountain Lion, in the heart of an industrial city with no reports whatsoever of a escaped animal before and not one but TWO smoking carcasses of dinosaurs AND a cyborg?! Yeah, these guys are the best!
We go back to T-Dog and Battle nun where we got some exposition on Battle Nun's character. turns out she was a hooker gone born again Christian....how come her backstory is more interesting to me now then this current film with dinosaurs and cyborgs? Anyways her character development is she is having a crisis of faith because she dosnt know if she wants to be a nun anymore.
Yeah...she aint Sarah Conner. There is some dumb shit involving a kid who is only here for two or three scenes and to be honest i was to busy checking my por-mail to pay attention.
So Kung Fu Kyle Reese wakes up and Battle Nun tries to talk to him...trying be a key word here. You remember boring your boyfriend/girlfriend with something you really like but they dont give a shit and they try to look interested? Yeah, it;s just like that...except Battle nun doesnt really try to look interested.
She knows he clearly understands English and when asked where he comes from and he points up to the sky, she goes "I dont understand" what you are saying. He does this four times in the movie every time she asks.
I know what you are thinking, Gorvar if a guy who cant speak points upward and starts shoving toy space ships in your face you wouldnt really believe him would you. True I wouldnt....then again I would believe anything WHEN A T-REX RAMS THROUGH THE FUCKING WINDOW!
OH YEAH!
So now Kung Fu Kyle Reese talks and tells Battle Nun the dinosaurs are after him. So what does she do? She leaves T-dog and his kid behind as bait for the T-Rex so she and Kyle run away bravely. Our heroes ladies and gentlemen!
So does T-Dog mind she left him for dead? Nope, as seen in the prologue he was all to willing to follow her into the jaws of death itself later on in the movie! Hurray!
Wait, why isnt anyone calling the cops?! I mean no-body is at all freaked out about a giant dinosaur walking about and wrecking shit apart?!
Take a shot.
Anyway, Battle nun and Kung Fu Kyle Reese walk and talk as he explains the opening crawl....only to be caught by the police who arrest them for no reason whatsoever other then to bring them into the narrative again. Good show.
So at this point SOMEONE finally calls the police to say there are Dinosaurs walking around the city and eating people. Of course the cops think it's a bear.
....
A bear. Watch out guys it's Winnie the Pooh and he is fucking pissed!
So Hartigan calls his SWAT team to fight the "Bear" in a warehouse, with more boxes inside.....halfway through? Okay, good.
So the SWAT team, which is just ONE guy, gets eaten and so Hartigan goes in WITh Battle Nun and Kung Fu Kyle Reese.
Asshole, you had them arrested for a reason...i think. The hell do you bring them along?!
I think there is a reason why you got thrown into jail man and I dont think it was because you shot the Senator's pedofile son.
I-I'm sorry Hartigan, i take it back! Hell i'll tell you where Nancy Calahan is!
So they go inside the building where they find the T-Rex and for some reason dont open fire as another one of his dudes gets eaten.
Dude....a fucking T-Rex is stood right in front of you! Bust a cap in his prehistoric ass! Thankfully Kung Fu Kyle Reese has this covered as he grabs a knife, from somewhere i dunno, and kills the T-Rex with it.
This guy killed not one but two carniverious dinosaurs in a span of two days with a knife! I dont know if I should think if he is a bad ass or it's poor script writing!
....
Okay it's poor script writing, but you gotta admit that is pretty bad ass.
So how does Hartigan thank him? By throwing his ass in jail of course!
Your tax dollars at work!
So Kyle Reese gets taken to jail where the FBI take over the case because...well Dinosaurs and Cyborgs are popping up all over the place. I dont think Hartigan can handle that firepower.
And of course this plot thread with the FBI goes nowhere. Why?
What if I told you a machine devoid of human emotions bursts through a police station and kills everyone there to find one person? What do you think of? Have a shot.
You are welcome.
Only there is a twist! Not only does Kung Fu Kyle Reese kill this Cyborg but he does it by knocking him out, killing a T-rex so it lands on him and goes BOOM! Trust me, it sounds awesomer then it actually is. After this Battle Nun and T-Dog pick up Kung Fu Kyle Reese to take care of the T-Rex menace once and for all.
So because the Army doesnt show up, or the National Garde, they hire in the help of several gang members to plant a explosive device in the local water reservoire where aparantly all the dinosaurs are hanging out so when that blows, they all die. Insert Aliens reference here whatever, take a shot.
Of course this is where we pick up from our prologue after they drop the bomb.
I'm doing these to keep you happy guys!
So they drop the bomb, it goes off, dinosaurs die, gang members die, i still dont give a shit but HEY the movie is nearly done!
So at the end of the movie Battle Nun decides to become a nun and we cut to her taking her vows. Well that was Future War, which was a pile of lies but hey it's over so-
....No. No! No no no no no! Goddamnit movie I thought you were done with this shit! Goddamnit!
So yeah, a Cyborg decides he wants to have a one more fight scene with Kung Fu Kyle Reese. This is where we go back to Bloodsport, take a shot, complete with bare chested kung fu hero guy. Of course sicne this is the last fight, this cyborg is harder to take down so to kill him Kung Fu Kyle Reese uses a colalr he got off a dino, i think im not sure, and puts it around the Cyborg's neck and blows it up.
Kung Fu Kyle Reese, yeah he never gets named in this movie, is wounded but of course Battle Nun takes care of him and renounces her vows so she can be together with him and run a Drug rehab centre.
The end.
And that was Future War, which had no Future nor a War and it was just so...so dull. Seriously they added slowmo and scenes that go nowhere just to fill out the running time.
As a Dinosaur movie it sucked loads because the animation was crap, espicially for a movie shot in 1997!
Now if you excuse me, i'll go have a lay down...