mizdirected
Serviceman 3rd Class
Le sigh... le pant... le gasp
Posts: 33
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Post by mizdirected on Jun 17, 2013 21:48:28 GMT 1
Overview: My usual disclaimer about these just being my thoughts, reactions etc. stands. I am merely opening a conversation about the work to encourage continued development and help with upcoming chapters, etc. rather than to discourage. We are all learning, all the time.
This story shows excellent imagination, and I look forward to seeing how Ethan fits into the new world, or doesn't as the case may be.
Story Telling: Overall, this chapter reads like a first draft. If it is, I suggest that you do at least two or three passes and rewrites before posting your work. That way all the silly little things that you already know how to fix don't need to be pointed out.
This chapter is primarily TOLD to me rather than SHOWN to me. Telling is the narrator standing between me and Ethan explaining the story to me rather than letting me sit inside Ethan and experience the story. You can know that you are doing a lot of telling when you see the words “Was, be, were... the BE verbs” showing up a lot. A lot of time, this can be a really easy fix. “His vision was blurry” can become “His vision blurred”... Try to keep the “be” verbs down to a couple per page.
Adverbs are also an indicator of telling. They are the author trying to explain their verbs. Said quietly... whispered... Walked stealthily... crept or sneaked. Try to avoid LY adverbs as much as you can. Once in a while, they are okay. Otherwise, they weaken the writing.
It is super important to show the action rather than tell it or describe it to the reader as it really impacts your ability to keep the reader interested.
Characters: I get very little sense of who Ethan is. His personality is not shown through his reactions to the world and other people. He has almost no reaction to being thrown somewhere completely foreign. To some degree, I get it. He has had to do a lot of weird crap, deal with a lot of strangeness in his own world, but here... he doesn't even have trouble with the technology. Unless he is some sort of savant, I have a problem with that.
To develop Ethan's character, the narrator has to be taken out of the story. You are standing between us and Ethan, so we are constantly ducking around, trying to see him. Sit yourself down inside Ethan's head and body and show us his experiences through his eyes, his sensations, his thoughts, reactions... the whole enchilada.
Where you switched to Liara's POV, that transition wasn't obvious to me, so I spent some time confused, trying to figure out who was where and doing or saying what. I make this suggestion where I ran into trouble, but when you have written a passage, read it aloud. That can really help us see where the problems are. I do it all the time for description, because I am terrible at it. LOL I have no patience for describing a room when I want to get to the story of what the people in the room are doing. So, yeah, read your story out loud to yourself so you can get a little distance from the words.
Setting: Although I am familiar with the Omega setting, a lot of Ethan's actions didn't make sense for me. Killing people and rifling through their stuff in a crowded market for starters. The setting of Omega could assist your story telling quite a lot, as it is a filthy, seedy place. Not much is pointed out for description, and we should get a little more of it just so that we can see what it looks like through Ethan's eyes.
POINT BY POINT – Your words that I am commenting on are bold, my comments immediately after.
Chapter One - Stranger in a Strange Land
Ethan Sunderland woke up, his head throbbing with a vicious headache caused by a concussion after being thrown by the blast from the improved Big Mountain Transportalponder. -- his head throbbing with a vicious headache is repetitive. Also, this sentence is wordy. We don't need all the info on why he has a headache etc right off the bat. Let us see and feel what its like to wake up as Ethan.
His vision was blurry, but his eyes have adjusted enough to see clearly after blinking them several times. – Sentence switches tenses. His eyes had adjusted. Also, awkwardly phrased.
The last thing he remembered was improving his Transportalponder's efficiency at Big Mountain.
Then, after a series of experiments involving highly advanced quantum mechanics and precautions taken, the Courier made the mistake of overloading the device, creating an explosion in the facility he was at. -- Too much info for a single sentence. The series of experiments involving precautions taken doesn't make sense. Despite his having taken precautions, he overloaded the device... or something along that line.
Now, here he was, lying flat on his back against a wall in a dark, dank alleyway that only God-knew-where. He checked his equipment.
Thankfully, most of them are intact, with his Desert Eagle sidearm and the the M16A4 rifle, at his side, along with a belt of frag grenades strapped diagonally across his chest. -- This sentence changes tense to present, and we don't need to know the specifics of his equipment until he uses it.
However, while his stimpak supply was mostly intact, though some of them are smashed into pieces from his landing. Thankfully, he still had one Stealth Boy left. -- Tense problems here as well. Also very awkwardly phrased, with too many conditional phrases. If someone is not familiar with the Fallout universe, like me, the Stealth Boy is lost on us. So maybe add its use in there somewhere... Thankfully, a Stealth Boy was still intact in case he needed to vanish... or hide, or whatever its use is..
Spotting his Transportalponder across the alleyway, the Courier stood up and picked it up. -- stood up and picked it up. I have a thing about using the same word too close together and you don't need to say stood up, when someone stands, the up part is inferred.
When he took a glimpse at it, he found the whole thing trashed. -- A glimpse is a quick look, but the detailed description that follows of the damage seems to indicate more an examination than a glimpse.
Part of the antenna was snapped off, the plastic casing that contained the power cracked, and the chip—the source of the Transportalponder's power—burned out in a crisp. -- burned out in a crisp ... I think you meant burned to a crisp.
Unless he could find the right parts or the equivalent, he couldn't fix it, let alone jury rig it. -- Fixing it is more intensive than jury rigging it... so reverse this order. He couldn't jury rig it let alone fix it.
But at least he could play with it like a toy gun. -- This made no sense to me. If he's being sarcastic, show him being sarcastic... have him mutter it or something.
He then brought up his Pip-Boy 3000 and switched to the Map tab. He couldn't get much information out of it aside from some basic details, mainly his location being the size of a metropolis. The date and time read July 13, 2284, 5:38 PM. -- No reaction to the time and date? He was like... okay, cool... Also, gives me no sense of when he comes from. Has he jumped through time as well as space? Has he hopped universes... because the difference between his Earth and the Earth of the Mass Effect universe are very very different.
He checked his surroundings, only to find a security camera tracking his every move. He hoped, though extremely unlikely, that no one would find some guy randomly appearing in an alleyway suspicious in the slightest. -- though extremely unlikely needs something attached to it. He hoped, though he thought it extremely...
When he stepped out of the alleyway, Ethan was taken by surprised by what he saw—and smelled. -- Show his surprise rather than tell me he was. The Courier is a guy or gal, who has spent a lot of time alone, so he or she would talk to themselves a lot. This can be a very useful tool to show the surroundings and the character.
First off, the place was rather filthy with an odor he couldn't identify. -- Rather filthy? What does this mean? Does the whole place have a dinginess, is it coated in a layer of filth? Is there trash everywhere?
He hoped it was a corpse. -- What? He hoped the smell was a corpse? Why? What does this mean? Is it because he is hoping the smell is confined to that area... or what?
Second, the place was brown with lights of various colors—mainly bright neon pink, purple, and orange—made it look like a mix of a scene from a dystopian science-fiction movie and a superhero comic, like La Fantoma. Even the dimly-lit signs and displays reminded him of the Strip, the technological wonders of Big Mountain, the missile silos at the Divide, and the vending machines and the Holograms at the Sierra Madre. -- These two sentences don't make sense together. In the first one you compare the place to somewhere made up, then in the second say that it reminds him of home.
What was even stranger to Ethan than the place was the locals, which some of them are not even human. Some of them are avian-like, with metal plates encasing their faces and bodies. -- Turians are not metal and they don't usually run around naked, so he wouldn't see the plates on their bodies.
It made them a strange cross between a bird, a futuristic trash can, and a raptor. -- A futuristic trash can?
He had also noticed the others are slender with big, horned heads with black, beady eyes. To him, they strongly resembled greyheads. The rest of the locals are human, or at least look like one. Some of the women's skins were a range of blue or violet, with tendrils as hair. But Ethan was especially worried about the giant gorilla-like thing guarding what appeared to be a nightclub. -- I understand that he is from a place that has a great many mutants and monsters, etc. But even so, he does not appear to be overly surprised. Would he be wondering where he was?
Even the armor guards wore and the weapons they carry have already outclassed his own, including his armored Vault 21 jumpsuit. -- Changes tense... have should be had, but... that said, the sentence should be reworked to get rid of it entirely. The armour the guards wore and the weapons they carried outclassed his.
What also worried him the most was these orange lights glowing on their forearms. He was unsure of their exact nature. He was curious, but he didn't' want to find out the hard way. -- Why would their omnitools alarm him? Also, people don't just walk around with their omnitools on, so maybe someone could activate theirs?
When the Courier tried to ask the locals for information, he usually received some dirty looks from them. -- He usually? He just arrived. And instead of telling me this, show it... He could approach someone and ask them for help. And, in this situation... if it was you who arrived here, who would you approach first? A turian, salarian... or would you go for a human? There are lots of humans on Omega, which is where I am assuming he is. I would be heading for the first human I saw, not just approaching people at random.
Not understanding the strange languages didn't help him at all. Even searching for a terminal that could work, let alone repairable, would have ever helped him. -- Searching for a terminal that worked? What terminals? And why wouldn't they be working? Let alone repairable doesn't form a complete idea either.. and how would a terminal have helped him?
But he managed to learn a few things. First, the place was a space station known as Omega. The name of the place—Omega—made sense to him in a strange contextual way. Secondly, Omega was run by a ruthless overlord named Aria T'Loak, who has one notable rule for everyone on this station—don't fuck with her. -- Why would Aria's rule be one of the first things he learned? If it were me, the first thing I would want to know was where I was, the second would be a confirmation of the date. If he has been thrown through time as well, I am sure he wouldn't just accept that date without confirmation.
Upon asking further questions, Ethan was given directions to a nearby marketplace when he asked for the location of buying and selling some items. With the new information, he set out for his destination. -- You have him asking for directions twice. And why would he suspect he could buy or sell here? He's acting like he was transported down the block. The second sentence isn't needed at all.
As the Courier traveled down the crowded streets of Omega, he tried to listen to the news brought out by the loudspeakers. Aside from some spokesperson speaking in a some language along with some mangled words in English here and there, the only thing he could understand was about a well-known hero being declared missing in action after an attack out in a faraway system.
However, upon passing by an alleyway, he stopped in the middle of his tracks as he felt something metallic against his temple. -- He's thinking about the news. So however, doesn't enter into this. As he passed an alley, something metallic was shoved against his temple...
He sighed as he turned to his right, only to find a brown, four-eyed humanoid pointing what appeared to be a pistol at his head. -- He has been transported somewhere strange, but even in his world, he has to be super cautious and prepared for attack, so why is he so easily taken by surprise?
"You're going to shoot someone who's armed to the teeth? Are you serious?" Ethan asked in a sarcastic tone. "That's a great idea, that's for sure." -- What he says covers the sarcastic thing, you don't need to say it was in a sarcastic tone.
The four-eyed thug replied in a strange language his Pip-Boy can't translate, but it seemed like the thug could understand him. Not it mattered at the moment. -- I would think being understood would be very important at that moment.
Before the thug could get the chance to pull the trigger, the Courier instinctively grabbed the thug's gun arm and pinned him against the wall. "There's not much style in you. Not very subtle. I'll bet you like to take that sweet opportunity to pick on the defenseless," he spoke in a sardonic tone as he kneed the thug in the stomach, causing him to groan in pain as he dropped his pistol.
The Courier then drew his own pistol out, switched the safety off, and pointed it between the eyes. With this, he fired his pistol once, killing the thug. -- wordy, if you draw a pistol, its coming out. I am amazed that he would kill the fellow in cold blood in a world he isn't familiar with, and with security cameras watching, as he had noted. Not to mention, you said the streets were crowded.
At least it ended better than being ambushed by a group of old ladies armed with rolling pins at Freeside. -- This doesn't mean anything to me, although I am assuming its a gag or something from Fallout?
The body of the four-eyed thug slumped to the ground. Ethan then knelt down and went through the thug's things after switching the safety back on his pistol and holstered it, only to find what appeared to be a credit chit and an earpiece. -- He knows what a credit chit is?
The thug's ears are small and pointy, which wouldn't fit over his own ear. -- I would hope he wasn't trying to wear the batarian's ears. You mean the earpiece wouldn't fit. But, as we never see earpieces on anyone, I assume they are worn inside the ear rather than around it.
He picked up the strange pistol and took a look at it. It was a semi-automatic pistol with iron sights similar to the ones on the Browning Hi-Power and the M1911 pistols. He then field stripped it and studied its internal part. It lacked the chamber, hammer, but the muzzle was there, or two in its case. The other parts looked like the ones he would see in energy weapons like the recharger pistol, but with a dense block of metal, and a computer system of some sort, possibly for calculating how much mass it would shoot out based on several circumstances. He also noticed several miniature heat sinks attached inside the grip, much like a magazine.
Capitalizing on this, he took the pistol with him after putting it back together, dragged the thug's body, and dumped him into a nearby dumpster. He then left the alleyway without wasting any more time. -- I have an issue with this entire section. You had him walking through the crowded streets of Omega, where a thug drew on him... that I buy, but then he kills the guy, searches through his gear, field strips a weapon he isn't familiar with, identifies heat sinks... which he shouldn't be able to do, drags the body to a dumpster... what happened to the crowded streets and his worry about the well armed guards, etc?
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When he arrived at the marketplace, Ethan approached the nearest kiosk, hoping that credit chit would be enough to provide him the basics. The human clerk turned to see him. He sported short, red hair and wore some coveralls over his body.
"Hey there!" the human clerk spoke. "You look like you've been through a lot. What can I do for you?" -- New paragraph for the clerk speaking.
"Finally, someone that can speak English," Ethan sighed as he placed his arms on the counter. -- Ethan sighed needs to be a new sentence. You can't sigh words, so its not a dialogue tag.
"I take it's your first time here?" the clerk asked.
"Something like that, yeah," Ethan shrugged. -- Shrugging is not a dialogue tag. Use a period, Ethan shrugged is a new sentence.
"Without a translator," the clerk stated.
Ethan nodded. "Yep. Got one?"
"Yeah, I do," the clerk replied. "Use the terminal to your right to make a transaction," He tilted his head to the orange screen. "Do you have an omni-tool? If not, then you can buy it here." -- He tilted his head Toward the orange screen.
"An omni-tool?" the Courier asked, confused. He turned his attention to the terminal before returning to the clerk. "Also, what's up with the terminal? Concerned about security?"
"Yeah, something like that. You can also see these terminals on the Citadel," the clerk blinked, noting Ethan's ignorance of the galaxy at large. -- The clerk has no clue what Ethan's ignorance level is, but also, this switches to the clerk's thoughts etc. Head hopping is not recommended as it is hard for the reader to follow. Ethan can notice that the clerk seems confused by his lack of knowledge.
"And what kind person are you to not know what an omni-tool is? They're multipurpose handheld tools with a computer microframe and other stuff, for crying out loud!" -- Wow, this clerk sure doesn't want a sale, does he? Did his boss teach him to talk to customers that way?
"The Citadel?"
The clerk stared at the Courier as he raised an eyebrow. "Where did you come from?" he asked suspiciously.
"Quite a ways away," Ethan replied flippantly. -- these two sentences both end with adverbs. Lose them, show the suspicion and flippancy through the words they say.
"I see…just buy something as long as you can afford it." -- What? Again... is he trying to drive the customer away? And how can he buy something he can't afford?
Ethan nodded. He turned to the terminal once more and browsed the selections. Eventually, he found an omni-tool and a translator of satisfactory quality, but he was unable to find the parts that are compatible with his – tense switch here to present.
Transportalponder, not even the phase microchips with the range greater than 40 watts. He doubted showing the clerk that device would help. He would have to find another way, somehow. -- How is he even thinking he will find parts that work? He is acting like he went down the street.
Sighing, the Courier used the chit to purchase these two items, costing him about 7,500 credits, greatly depleting its funds. -- His stolen funds.
"Here you go," said the clerk as he handed out a headset and a small PDA. "One Logic Arrest omni-tool and a Rosetta translator headset coming up!" -- They aren't coming up, he's already handed them to the Courier... and again... if they are headsets, why is no one in the games wearing headsets?
The Courier took the translator and the small PDA-like object, and fitted the translator over his right ear. A holographic interface appeared in front of his eye, allowing him to read different languages easily. He looked at the PDA object with a confused look on his face. "This is—"
"Turn it on and see for yourself."
The Courier did so by pressing a button and, to his surprise, an orange holographic light appeared around his right arm, reaching up to his elbow. Intrigued, he moved his arm around, the omni-tool still clinging on it. "Nice!" he grinned as he attempted to use one of the functions. He fumbled a few times, but he managed to get a paper-thin video screen to appear above his omni-tool.
"That omni-tool also provides some small amount of kinetic barriers, in case you get attacked," the clerk explained to Ethan. "But it doesn't do shit against radiation, like laser, temperature, slow-moving objects, and poison, so be careful."
"Noted. Thanks," Ethan replied as he deactivated his omni-tool and put the device in his pocket.
"Take care!"
The Courier then sauntered out of the marketplace as he looked at the map on his Pip-Boy.
He remembered passing by the nightclub earlier, which would be a great place to gather some news from the locals.
And the best place to get a drink, barring the ones that would kill or knock him out in an instant. -- And how is he to know what those are? I wouldn't be drinking anything other than water in this situation unless I got advice from a human.
After using a strange network on his omni-tool known as the Extranet and learning as much as he can in a short amount of time, Ethan approached the entrance to the nightclub, Afterlife. -- He just turned on his strange new tool—which should have come with a manual, by the way—and browses the extranet?
Its name appeared in giant white letters above the entrance, surrounded by bright-purple lights. The giant gorilla thing, an elcor, was still there acting as the doorman. In front of the elcor was a line consisting of several people of various races, such as the avian-like turians, the blue-skinned, mono-gendered asari, the amphibian, greyhead-like salarian, and, of course, the humans.
It was hard for him to believe that the year here was 2183, when humanity hasn't destroyed Earth in a nuclear war. Also, he found out the non-humans were not mutants as he thought, but aliens. -- We never see him wonder if they are mutants, or whatever.
Shaking his thoughts off, he approached one of the locals.
"Uh, excuse me," Ethan spoke.
The local turned around, revealing to be an intimidating figure, tall as a super mutant. It resembled a cross between a reptile, like a gecko, but with the hump at the back of his head, and a…tortoise, perhaps. Though the shell covered his forehead instead of neither his back nor that hump. From what the Courier was seeing, that tortoise-thing was a krogan, a species that suffered from a biological weapon known as the genophage, which reduced the number of krogan infants born per single female.-- Okay, so of all the people waiting in line, including humans, he approached a krogan? And then proceeded to think about the genophage etc... when he was barely able to identify it? We don't need a lesson on what the krogan look like, or the genophage. It's just a info dump that will be scanned quickly and forgotten.
"What do you want, human?" the krogan asked with disdain in his voice. He didn't speak in some alien language, but in plain English, thanks to Ethan's translator.
Bad breath alert! Ethan thought as he gagged at the krogan's breath. He would've never guessed that these people would smell fouler than the residents at Freeside. "I was hoping to find a job that would pay rather handsomely, or at least—" -- He's asking about a job?
"Who the hell are you to ask these questions, not knowing anything about Omega?" the krogan rudely retorted, frowning. He then muttered something else quietly enough that Ethan's translator didn't catch. Whatever he said, Ethan assumed it wasn't exactly polite. -- How does the Krogan know what Ethan's level of knowledge of Omega is... all he did was ask if there were jobs.
"Someone who has lived under a rock his whole entire life, that's what," the Courier responded dryly as he folded his arms in front of him, scoffing.
The krogan's frown intensified as he leaned in closer than the human would've liked. "You got a lot of nerve for one who talks too much," he threatened. -- This is not a threat, it's a statement.
"Got a problem with that?" -- Does he have a problem with what? Being someone who talks too much?
"Yeah, I do. I don't like being threatened," Ethan answered. -- Ummm, he hasn't been threatened.
But before he could say anything else, someone bumped into him. He turned around to see a hooded man quickly shuffled by. He muttered a quick apology before vanishing into the crowd, completely bypassing the line and headed straight into the club.
The krogan was not amused. He suddenly grabbed Ethan's collar, pressing his gun against his ribcage. "Mind repeating that, human?" -- That he didn't like to be threatened? There is no content to this bluster. And the Krogan isn't amused because someone bumps into Ethan? This whole confrontation has no basis.
"You heard me," Ethan replied as he quickly drew his new pistol out and pointed it at the krogan's head, right between his eyes. -- And once again, Ethan reacts by drawing his gun and threatening someone in a crowded place. I am beginning to wonder if he's not all there.
But instead of backing off like he had hoped, the krogan simply barked out in laughter. "And you think that pistol will take me out so easily."
In response, Ethan pulled out his Bowie knife and stuck it at the edge of the shell on the krogan's face. This has gotten the krogan's attention; within seconds, a more fearful expression appeared on his face as he cowered slightly. "Hey, look, calm down! I just want to relax here!" -- His bowie knife in his other hand? And then the Krogan backs down because he's being threatened by a knife now? ... it all just reads in an unbelievable fashion.
Now that came as a surprise. "All right. Good," he sighed greatly, pulling his knife out of the krogan's headplate and sheathed it. "Now, why don't you let me go and we can forget about all of this, okay?" -- He pulled it out of the headplate? I thought he was just threatening the krogan, not that he had stabbed the knife into his head.
With no further objections, the krogan did exactly that. "I didn't even think you would know about the headcrest," he admitted. "You sure know a thing or two about intimidating a krogan…"-- what? I must have missed something in the games.
"Not really. I just guessed," Ethan replied as he put away his Predator pistol in a spare holster up near his left armpit.
"You don't know much about the krogan where most of the people here on Omega are not human?" asked another person, a salarian, nearby. "I don't know if I can believe you or not..." -- The first sentence makes no sense.
"At least it couldn't get any worse," Ethan replied flippantly. -- What couldn't get any worse?
"So what do you want, then?" the krogan asked.
Ethan looked at the entrance to Afterlife. "What's up with that hooded guy cutting through line? It seems like he was in a bit of a hurry."
"Well, at least you're not blind," the krogan commented. "People are always in a hurry at Omega. Let your guard down for a moment and you'll get yourself killed. Why do you ask?" -- Not seeing the link between people always being in a hurry and Nathan getting killed.
"Nothing, really," the Courier answered. "Though I really need a freaking drink." -- He asked about the hooded guy, so our attention is drawn to him twice now, and then ... nothing comes of it? Ethan was just wondering, and no one answered his question about the hooded guy.
"You do realize there's a line, right?" asked the krogan, pointing at said line with this thumb.
"Yeah, I know," Ethan replied. "Any way to get past that line quickly?"
"Aside from dealing that that elcor doorman, no. They have the patience of a mountain," the krogan answered. "Just get in line and wait."
"On second thought," said the Courier, sighing, "I'll just take a walk instead."
"Don't let your guard down."
Ethan then walked past he krogan and the line as he walked down a nearby hallway. -- Streamline
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"Dr. T'Soni?"
The conversation with the elcor had been abruptly halted as an asari turned to the mysterious hooded figure. She blinked uncertainly, a hand going on her shoulder as he looked up at him. -- I can't make heads nor tails of these sentences. Elcor? An asari? Do you mean Liara? Whose hand goes on her shoulder? You need to read your writing aloud so that you can break out of your head. You know what you are saying, but it's not hitting the page in a way that helps other people understand what you're saying. Reading aloud can help a lot. I read all my difficult passages aloud... not that it always fixes them. If this is being shown from Liara's point of view (POV), then make sure that's clear.
For example:
“Dr. T'Soni?”
Liara looked away from her elcor companion, interrupting their conversation. “May I help you?” She looked up at the hooded figured, then down at the hand he placed on her shoulder.
"Should I..." she asked hesitantly as he looked more closely at the hooded figure sitting beside her, his black eyes looking back at her. Upon a closer look, with the dull lighting of the club, his skin—or rather, his scales—were a bright set of hues. The news projected on the holographic display across the table informed the denizens of Omega about the repairs the Citadel was taking in the aftermath by Sovereign and the geth. It felt like it happened so long ago when Shepard was around. She blinked once more when a realization dawned upon her. -- What realization?
"Oh, I apologize," said the asari. "I was…preoccupied at the moment."
"That's all right," the hooded man replied understandingly. "I'm Feron, Dr. T'Soni. Pleasure to make an acquaintance with you." -- Replied understandingly is somewhat awkward and uses an unnecessary adverb. The hooded man replied, is fine... him saying that it is all right lets us know that he is being understanding.
"Please, call me Liara," replied the asari. "It's what Shepard would have done.” -- What would Shepard have done? Said hello? Or Shepard would have called her Liara? It seems like an excuse to bring up Shepard's name, and it's not necessary. You could as easily just have Feron say, “I've heard that you're looking for Shepard's body.” to start the conversation.
"Shepard…" Feron muttered, nodding as he crossed his arms and looked at the asari. "You're looking for the whereabouts of her body, correct?"
"Yes," the asari answered. "What do you know?"
Feron glanced around the surroundings, and then leaned in closer to the former archaeologist. "I can't tell you here. It isn't safe," he whispered. "We should go outside."
"Of course," she agreed. With this, both the asari and the drell sat up and walked out of the club, with the asari following close behind her hooded companion.-- They sat up? They stood, I am thinking. Liara stood, following her hooded companion from the club... is fine.
**In this section, nothing happens. Liara meets Feron, but it has nothing to do with our main character, and the plot isn't moved forward at all, so I would leave it out and just have the Courier meet up with them in this next section. Every word, every paragraph has to propel the story forward. Sometimes it can be hard to take scenes out, but a lot of the time, the story is better for it.
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The Courier leaned forward against the rail in the less populated part of Omega, -- in the less populated part of Omega? Here, be specific. Did he choose an abandoned alley because he could see everyone coming in or out? You can give a lot of information in very few words. Did he just walk until the crowds thinned out, then found a quiet corner? He doesn't seem like the sort of man that would just stand out in the open, but I might be wrong about that.
looking through one of the windows, seeing the distant stars blinking in and out in space. -- blinking in and out in space is repetitive. If they are blinking, the in and out is inferred.
A giant asteroid field circled the station, with ships of various shapes and sizes causing traffic all over the station. -- Causing traffic all over the station doesn't really make sense to me. Is he taking note of how many ships are constantly coming and going? Ships do cause traffic congestion, but they are the traffic, if that makes sense. Maybe he is fascinated by how many different sorts of ships there are?
Along the way here, he noticed some of the locals looked at him in a strange way, due to him being out of place, thanks to his armor. -- Lots of words to say something fairly simple. As he made his way through the crowds, he noticed the locals giving his foreign-looking armour some suspicious glances. He stuck out, something he should take care of. It didn't pay to attract too much attention.
There were mutterings of his actions, some of praise and others of fear and concern. Apparently, they spread faster than he could say 'brahmin crap'. -- they spread faster... what is they? Rumours, I am assuming. And is he really surprised? He killed a guy and rummaged through his crap, then dragged the body to a dumpster... in a crowded marketplace.
His thoughts turned to the experiment back at Big Mountain, pondering about the outcome and the possibilities in the wake of it. -- Need a transition here from him thinking about people talking about him to his wondering how he got here and where he was. It can be as simple as him finding a quiet corner out of the public eye and finally having the time and security to think about it.
He didn't think he died and somehow ended up in a purgatory, somehow. -- Two somehows.
The blast didn't disintegrate him, he remembered correctly. Plus, it would have been one hell of a pun, with the name of the club being Afterlife and all. -- That would be ironic. The nightclub at the edge of the Afterlife. Heh, maybe its the bar we're supposed to meet Garrus at if we both buy the farm at the end.
He was brought out of his thoughts when he heard gunshots going off. -- Passive because of the was. Gunshots snapped him from his thoughts. Specific, action oriented.
Wanting to investigate, Ethan ran down the area, using the map and compass on his Pip-Boy as directions.-- We assume that because he's running that way, that he wants to investigate. You can just have him sprint in that direction, using his Pip-Boy to help him navigate.
Mere minutes later, he arrived at the source of the gunfire. Tiny metal slugs flew at extremely high velocities – flew at extremely high velocities is both vague and wordy... zipped? Sliced through the air?
in both directions at a large arching, brown hallway. -- He arrives and the first thing he sees is really fast bullets flying? You probably wouldn't see the bullets, but rather the people firing them. He might hear the bullets zip past his head, though. And the construction of this sentence has the bullets being fired at a large, arching, brown hallway. The people probably aren't shooting the hall, so reorder the sentence so that he arrives at the hallway and then encounters weapons fire.
He realized the shields from his omni-tool would only last a few shots in an intense firefight, so he would have to be quick on his feet and resort to hit-and-run tactics.
His Predator pistol put, the Courier placed his body against the wall to his right. -- pretty sure put is supposed to be out... and placed his body against the wall is okay, but doesn't draw a picture for me. Does he press against the wall? Slam himself against the wall to avoid fire?
He poked his head out of the alleyway, but barely enough to gather some unwanted attention. -- I think here you mean that he didn't stick his head out far enough to attract attention. The way it is phrased now, it sounds like he is drawing attention.
In his direction, he saw a large group of people clad in blue-and-white armor. Some of them are human, while the rest are turians and batarians (the four-eyed beings he saw earlier). -- Trim this down. The action stops dead because of all the description. Closest to him, a large group of humans, turians and batarians in blue and white armour had taken positions behind stacks of crates... or whatever.
He looked behind himself to see a hooded man using several crates as cover. -- Okay, so hold on... Ethan is between the two parties. Okay, so then needs to be reworded so that we see exactly where Ethan is right off the bat. Something like... To Ethan's right stood a large group... etc, while to his left two figures...
Ethan recognized him—that man was the one that bumped into him back at the entrance to the Afterlife club. At a glance, he noticed the man's skin—scales, actually—were a set of various colors. He wore a brown cloak over his tan-green armor. Alongside the man was an asari in light-purple armor, but with more flexible padding. -- Too much notice taken of the armour etc for this sort of situation. Not sure what “with more flexible padding” refers to.
However, another soldier approached the hooded man and his asari companion, wielding a flamethrower with a large tank on her back. Capitalizing on the tank's exposure to incident and gunfire, the Courier popped out of cover and aimed down the sights of his pistol at the flamer in question, activating the VATS program on his Pip-Boy. According to its calculations he would have a 72% chance of hitting the tank on a single shot, but the probability will increase by 5% with every extra shot at that specific point. -- Way too much info. A whole paragraph for shooting at a tank. Ethan centered the tank in his sights and activated the VATS program. He had a good chance of hitting it first shot, so squeezed the trigger... or whatever. When you have a scene that is all action, taking time to describe the minutia of things stops that action dead. Readers think, well, it can't be that dangerous a situation if he's taking time to do all this.
Time slowed down, adrenaline rushing through Ethan's body as he fired five times at the tank in question with great precision as quickly as he could. He made the shot on the first two tries, but missed on the third, causing the tank to leak a variety of gases like methane and oxygen. Before the flamer realized what will happen, it was too late for her. The last two shots hit the tank, causing it to explode in a fiery radius, engulfing her and those nearby in it. -- Here again, who cares what the tank is leaking... all we care about is how many shots he took and whether or not the dang thing exploded.
"Holy shit, we got another hostile here!" one of the shooters exclaimed.
"I'll take him out," a turian spoke as blue lights appeared in front of his body, providing him extra protection. He approached the Courier with a shotgun, taking his shields out in a single hit.
Ethan went back behind cover to wait for his shields to recharge as he got out his Bowie in a reverse grip. As the turian was about a step away from him, he grabbed the turian, pinned him against the wall and went for his exposed neck with the knife. The turian struggled, dropping his shotgun as he attempted to push the knife away from his neck. The Courier then head-butted the turian, stunning him in the process, and stabbed him in the neck, causing blue blood to flow down his body, ending his life. -- He stunned the turian with a head butt then stabbed him in the neck, ending his life. Pare out the extra detail.
** You use the word causing a lot. Don't. Try to erase it from your vocabulary. He doesn't cause blue blood to run down the turians neck... He slits his throat and then likely drops the body even as he bleeds out.
Ethan grabbed the soldier's rifle attached to his back and the disk-shaped grenades. He was becoming over-encumbered with the amount of weight from his equipment, so he discarded his old frag grenades by taking off the belt, pulled the pin off from one of the grenades, and tossed it aside toward the armored shooters. When it went off, the fragmentations left little effect on them thanks to their highly advanced armor. His old weapons, the Desert Eagle and the M16A4 rifle, were out of the question. -- Again, way too much info and internal discussion. Would you be worried about how much weight you were carrying here? I like pulling the pin on one grenade and throwing the whole belt, but... pare it down. Fragmentations don't leave little effect on them thanks to their highly advanced armour, ... the grenade fragments just glanced off their armour. We can surmise from this that their armour was good enough to repel his tech.
He heard more gunshots going off behind him, and he turned around to see the hooded man shooting back gracefully with his pistol. "Hey!" the hooded man called out. "Unless you want to get shot, I would suggest you get over here! That place will leave you wide open!"
Following the hooded man's advice, Ethan holstered his pistol for the assault rifle. He fired at another shooter in several three-round bursts, taking out his shields, as he slid behind a crate to the right of the trash can. The asari glowed blue as she summoned a projectile and threw it, tossing the armored soldier away. -- We don't know where the trash can is, or even that there was one, so just leave that out. Its enough that he slides behind a crate.
Ethan blinked, staring at the asari in disbelief. "Was that dark energy you just manipulated?" he asked stupidly. "Because that's what it looks like." -- He knows about dark energy... and I doubt they are going to break for a discussion about biotics and dark energy manipulation with a squad of Blue Suns trying to kill them.
The two strangers took a double-take, blinking awkwardly. "Are you…?" the asari asked uncertainly. "Yes…that was dark energy, technically. How did you not know what mass effect fields and biotics are?" -- Again, I doubt this conversation would take place now.
The human shrugged. "Don't ask," he answered as metal slugs passed by the crate.
The hooded man shook his head in irritation. "So what are you doing here, then?"
"Oh, you know," Ethan replied flippantly as he popped out of cover and activated VATS once more, shooting down a few of the armored soldiers with great precision. "Sightseeing, taking a walk down the station, looking for a job, getting into the fray, the works. But what are you guys doing here?"
The strangers stared at him in disbelief with his ability to shoot implausibly accurate at a fast rate. The asari blinked before speaking. "I'll give you the short version: we're looking for someone's body," she answered. "Feron is my contact." She indicated the hooded man.
The hooded man, Feron, frowned at this. "Liara are you sure this is a good idea, trusting a human we just met?" he asked, indicating the asari.
"He has gotten into a firefight on our side, so it's as a good time as any," the asari, Liara, replied. "We're looking for the body of Commander Shepard. Feron here had some information."
"Commander Shepard? The one I've been hearing all over the news recently?" Ethan asked. He then popped out of cover and threw back a grenade at a nearby group of mercenaries, assuming they are such. The blast had caught some of them, but the remaining few rolled out of the way. "Guess she's more popular than I thought."
Then, he immediately realized he was just wasting his breath as the two gave him incredulous looks. "You…" Feron said uselessly.
"How did you not know who Shepard is until now?" asked Liara.
"You'd think you would've known her by her reputation, being human and all," said Feron.
"Like I said, I'm new around here," Ethan replied as he poked his head out of cover in his direction, only to find more mercenaries coming in.
"Aren't we all?" added Feron as he shot another mercenary. "We know people who are not from around here as well."
"In case you haven't noticed, I have a Pip-Boy," Ethan retorted. "But I don't want to get shot for showing you this thing."
A metal slug whizzed by soon after. "A wise idea. We're trying our best not to get killed here," Feron replied.
"At least we can come to an agreement on something," Ethan nodded as he continued firing at the mercenaries. It felt like no matter how many they killed, two more would replace the one. However, Liara leaned out of cover from a pillar nearby and gathered much of the blue energy as she can, forming it into a sphere in her hands. Within a second, she launched the ball at the mercenaries in question. It stood there, suspended in the air. Soon after, it began pulling those nearby toward it, flying around the object as if they were like string attached to a ceiling.
This gave Ethan and Feron the advantage as they focused their fire at the floating mercenaries in question, with the former using VATS whenever he can. He ducked as one of the floating mercenaries flew above him. He continued firing, with Liara firing her pistol at another shooter that came running on the scene.
* * This whole discussion reads very implausibly because they are under fire and doing a get to know you, here is the state of the galaxy thing at the same time? Yeah, I would be spending more time killing and less yacking. Also, why did he jump into this fight to start with? He has no idea who these people are. For all he knows, the Blue Suns could be cops and these two are murderers... and yet he just jumps in and starts killing people?
Then, the firing ceased as one of the turians entered the fray with a large rifle in hand. "You better keep those biotics in check, asari," the turians called out as he aimed his weapon at them, "or you and your friends will end up nothing but smears all over the place!" -- Um... they aren't shooting at them to make friends, so I'm not sure why this threat is even made.
"With you going for overkill," Ethan shouted behind cover, "you better hope you're a good shot!" -- I don't understand what this means.
Fortunately, Liara leaned out of cover and pulled off another attack. A blue barrier appeared on the turian, preventing him from moving.
Then, without warning, one of the mercenaries simply dropped dead with a bloody hole in his head. "Sniper, look out!" one of the mercs cried out in fear, but another shot pierced his head. One by one, the others quickly followed. Capitalizing on this, Liara ran first, tossing another merc with her biotics. Feron came next, dashing away as he grabbed Ethan's arm, following the asari. None of them looked back as they ran. -- Damn, how many Blue Suns are there?
"Wait a second!" Ethan spoke as they ran down the hallway and rounded a corner. "Do we even know where we're going or are we just going around in circles? I can look up a good spot on my Pip-Boy."
Feron paused in his tracks. After running a few stops, Liara turned around and realized that Ethan had paused as well, with Feron looking at the Pip-Boy strapped on Ethan's left wrist. "What?" Feron asked. -- Liara turning around and realizing that Ethan has stopped is switching to her POV.
"Let's see here…" the human muttered as he browsed through the map on his Pip-Boy. -- If this is still in Ethan's POV, I doubt he is going to consider himself as the human, maybe but it reads oddly.
"What about this one here, in the middle of the market?" -- this one what? What does this one refer to? And aren't they being pursued? They seem to have run a couple hundred feet and then stopped to pour over his Pip Boy, with angry mercs hot in pursuit?
He brought the cursor onto said spot. "We could blend in there, lose our pursuers, and slip by, with none the wiser."
Feron nodded. "The Blue Suns wouldn't think of tracking us down there." He pointed his index finger at a spot on the Courier's Pip-Boy. Judging by the format on the map, it appeared to be a large mining facility. "However, the marketplace is a public place, which is risky for us since we can be easily detected."
"The Blue Suns?" Ethan asked. "Are they the ones that attacked us, right?"
"Correct," said the asari as she approached the two.
"Well, they did a good job of trying to kill us," Ethan dryly replied as he switched to the health monitoring tab on his Pip-Boy to find any signs of injury on himself. "Anybody hurt?" -- He can't tell if he's injured without checking his Pip-Boy?
"No," Feron answered. "But we would like to ask you some questions."
"All right, shoot," the human replied as he brought his Pip-Boy down. -- Ethan considering himself a human again. Also... he lowered his Pip-Boy. Brought it down is wordy and vague.
"Who are you?" asked Liara. "And what exactly is this Pip-Boy you have?" -- Still standing around yacking while Blue Suns are chasing them.
Ethan hesitated for a moment, deciding whether or not to tell the two his real name, concerned with the possibility of someone or some organization, like Caesar's Legion. They did help him, after all, and showing back some trust would be an excellent way to gain new friends and allies. "Name's Ethan Sunderland," he answered, "but people usually call me the Courier, for obvious reasons. A messenger, in case you didn't know what I'm talking about." He then showed Liara and Feron his Pip-Boy. "And this here is a Pip-Boy 3000. It comes with a Geiger counter, a radio, a health monitor, clock and calendar, software to store data, and I can brighten the screen to use it like a flashlight. It's a bit like your omni-tool, but it's more of a physical object in a sense." -- So much detail we don't need to know, and the other two wouldn't care about until after they were somewhere safe.
Both Liara and Feron stood stock-still as Ethan mentioned this. "Why would you need a Geiger counter?" the asari asked.
"Back on Earth, there was a lot of radiation," the Courier answered. "It eventually decayed over time, but there are still some spots of it here and there."
Feron only gave the human a confused look. "Earth has large levels of radiation?" he asked. "I heard the slums of most of its cities were bad, but I wouldn't think the Systems Alliance was dealing with enough radiation to necessitate implementing a Geiger counter into that Pip-Boy of yours."
"Actually, this device was made by RobCo Industries, along with much of the tech more than three hundred years ago," the Courier corrected. "On a different Earth, in fact. Where I came from, this Alliance had never existed in the first place." -- Wait... more than three hundred years ago? Fallout is post 2077 and the story is in 2284? That isn't more than 300 years ago. And along with what other tech?
This has left his company even more confused.
"RobCo?" asked Liara. "I've never heard of…" Her frown only intensified. "Wait; if you claim to be from an alternative timeline or perhaps an alternative universe, then when did humanity first developed the nuclear bomb?"
"1945, near the end of the second World War, when America developed and deployed it against the Japanese forces," Ethan replied. "Come to think about it, I kinda felt bad for them, being nuked and all. Next."
"Okay…how about the transistor?"
"I haven't seen much of those things aside from those at Big Mountain and robots." The human continued on. "There was also the Great War between the Americans and the Chinese back in 2077. Basically, humanity shot itself in the foot right there."
Liara glanced to Feron, with the two thoroughly exchanging confused looks, and then looked back at Ethan. "There was a war between the United States of America and China little over a century ago?" Liara asked. "I don't know what to believe…"
The Courier sighed, shaking his head. "That little piece of history didn't happen here. The date on my Pip-Boy reads 2284, but here I'm off by about 99 years. Yeah, I'll bet that's a bit hard to wrap that together, that I'm from a parallel universe and ended up on this station."
Liara glanced down at the ground for a second. "I…don't know to respond to that," she stated.
"You're correct," Feron replied. "But Omega is thousands of light years away from Earth."
"Damn, that's quite a ways away," the Courier retorted, biting his lower lip. After a second of thought, he pulled out his broken Transportalponder out of his backpack and showed it to Liara and Feron. "To make things simple for you, this device brought me here." -- that is supposed to make things simple?
Liara stepped forward, looking at the device in question. "What is that?" she asked. "I have never seen anything like it…"
"You do now," Ethan deadpanned. "It's a Transportalponder, made from Big Mountain. This thing was designed to transport me from the Mojave to there and vice versa. I tried to improve its efficiency, but…anything can go wrong. I needed some unique materials to fix it."
Liara and Feron glanced at each other. "Goddess…" she muttered as she turned to Ethan before looking back at Feron. "Feron, do you think what he said was true, even possible?"
"I…I don't know," said the hooded man. "He has made a very large assumption." -- What large assumption?
"Aside from him being insane, it's the only explanation I can come up with." The asari gestured to Ethan. "Do you have an omni-tool?"
"Just bought it," said Ethan as he pulled out the omni-tool out of his pocket. His right arm glowed an orange light momentary before putting it away.
Liara nodded. "So what do you know about the Protheans? Does your Pip-Boy have that kind of information?"
"No, I don't have that," the human answered. "I don't know much about them."
"And the turians?"
"Yep, thanks to the extranet."
Liara curled her lips, placing her fingers on her chin. "All right…mass relays?" -- Curled her lips?
Ethan shook his head after looking through the data on his Pip-Boy. "No, there isn't any reference to the mass relays. As far as I know, they can send you to another relay."
"So your testimony and the data in your Pip-Boy proves it, then," said Liara, raising an index finger after looking at the Pip-Boy to be sure. "I don't know how or what happened, but you're right. You're not in your own universe anymore." -- His testimony?
"I don't know what to make of this…" said Feron, shaking his head as he placed his hands on his hips.
"That's enough," an unknown voice, presumably female, spoke from behind. -- Presumably female? It was ambiguous? Not from what I've heard of Miranda's voice.
"What?" asked Liara, turning around to the source of the voice. "Who's there?"
* * Wait, what happened to the Blue Suns and trying to hide from them?
"An ally," a black-haired woman in a black-and-white uniform replied as she approached the three, with two bodyguards, clad in white-and-yellow armor, followed behind. -- Break the description into a separate sentence.
It was difficult for Ethan to determine whether or not she was beautiful or just that uncanny. "Relax. We're working towards the same goal. Finding Commander Shepard." -- Who is saying this? Because it seems like it should be Miranda, but it comes after Ethan's confusing thoughts about whether Miranda is beautiful or just that uncanny... which I don't understand. Uncanny?
"The one I've been hearing about a lot recently?" asked the Courier. "News travel fast, it seems." -- News travels fast? He is the one who heard it all over the news, so yeah, of course its travelled... its on the news.
As the woman and her bodyguards gave him confused looks, Liara sighed. "It's a long story," she said. "We only just figured it out." She turned to Ethan. "I'll explain in full later, but Commander Shepard…none of us would be here if she hadn't stopped an invasion on the Citadel." -- Liara's sigh and words can't come after someone else's confusion. New paragraph.
"Right," Ethan replied awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck, processing what Liara told him. "The way I hear it, she was declared missing in action a few weeks ago. If she turns out to be dead, I'll bet it'll be a terrible loss."
"That sounds about right," said the black-haired woman. "This…wasn't what we expected to find, I admit."
Liara glanced to Ethan and Feron, right as the latter removed his hood. Then, Ethan saw what looked like a lizard man. He felt like he was the odd one out, with him being ignorant of the new universe at large. He didn't mind that much, however. -- He didn't mind that much? He's totally cool with being zapped years and universes away from home? If so, cool, but let us know why. So far, we have very little reaction from Ethan as to his new surroundings, other than that he is eager to jump in and kill people. We need to be in on his processing to buy that he is okay with being there.
"I wasn't expecting the day to end like this," Liara admitted. "Who are you and what do you want?"
"I am Miranda Lawson," the woman answered. "And I'm here to take you to my boss."
"You're quite quick to trust us," Ethan chuckled. "What does he want us for?"
"He's after the same thing all of you are," Miranda answered. "He wishes to find Shepard as well, and he may have intel in regards to that."
Feron glanced to Liara, frowning. "I don't trust this set-up," he said. "Cerberus is expressively pro-human. They're only interested in Shepard because she was human."
"Does it matter?" the asari asked. "We have the same goals as they do. Let's meet up with their boss."
"Very well, then," Miranda replied, brushing some strands of hair out of her face. "Follow me."
The woman set out soon after, with Liara following along quickly. Feron hung back slightly, and Ethan caught up with him immediately after. -- Awkward. If Miranda says follow me, I am assuming she walks away pretty much immediately, not setting out soon after. Too many adverbs.
"I have a bad feeling about this," the lizard man stated.
"Well, I got myself dragged into an alternative universe, nearly got mugged, provoked a krogan, got myself into a gunfight with you guys, and now we're working with a human supremacist group that got its name after a certain three-headed dog in Greek mythology to find a well-known hero who's most certainly dead," Ethan replied sarcastically. "Ofcourse you have a bad feeling about this!"
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Liara, Feron, and Ethan reside in a small room, -- present tense
which shared much of Omega's architecture, but with an emblem of diamond-shaped outline surrounded by two orange strokes, which traced down to its bottom, embedded on the walls. -- I couldn't form a picture from this description. It doesn't make sense.
There was a moment of silence between the three, -- from what comes after, seems like more than a moment of silence between them.
with Ethan and Liara sitting down on a nearby chair as the former making maintenance on his pistol and the new weapons he was provided by Cerberus manufacturers. -- Break this up, and wouldn't he be consulting a manual? He admits the tech is all very advanced, and yet immediately knows how to work it, strip it... etc.
Not long after, the door slid open. Miranda walked through, meeting the three. -- She's not meeting them. She met them back on the street.
She looked to Liara. "Our leader wants to see you now."
Feron shook his head. "No thanks. I think I'll stay."
"Me too. Little busy here," the Courier stated.
"I wasn't asking you two." Miranda turned and exited the room, with Liara following behind closely as the door closed behind her. -- This has Liara following through a closed door.
Neither men talked to each other as they waited, making it seem like an eternity to them. Meanwhile, Liara was in another room, communicating with the Illusive Man, the leader of Cerberus. From what she knew from him, the Shadow Broker, a notorious, yet mysterious, information broker, hired the Blue Suns mercenaries to stop her and Feron from reaching Shepard. Not only that, but the Broker started making deals with the Collectors, an insectoid race of cosmic vagabonds that gathered unusual specimens—and they're interested in Shepard. Reluctantly, she agreed to work with them. -- The beginning of this paragraph is in the room with the men, presumably still in the Courier's POV, then switches to Liara. This is a fairly important discussion, is there a reason that you skimmed it? Is it a conversation that is already covered in the lore? I haven't read the comics based on this time period, so am not sure.
When she returned, which was much later than expected. "How'd it go?" Ethan asked. He wanted to repair his Transportalponder, but he didn't have the time to do so nor could any of the Cerberus engineers have the materials needed, though they're interested in it. He refused to give it to them. -- What? He asks her how the conversation went, then goes on about his Transport... thingee. It does not belong here, as it's not at all related. And for a guy who is so cool about being where he is, he sure seems to want to get home.
"It went better than I expected," Liara replied. "We might have the intel about Shepard's location." -- Might have the intel? Or the intel is saying where Shepard might be located?
"That's good to hear," said Feron. "But we still have to…" he turned to Ethan. "Ethan was your name, right? Or do you prefer Courier? Either way, what will he do?"
The Courier shrugged. "I dragged myself into this mess." He finished reassembling his pistol together after replacing the heating ventilation and adding in some modifications provided to him, once again by Cerberus, to a semi-automatic rifle called a Mattock. "It might be stupid for me to leave now since more of these mercenaries might come after me. Plus, I'm a courier. I might as well tag along." -- He didn't say the first bit, then put together the rifle etc. Then say the second bit. We don't need to know about the mods etc at least not where it is as it interrupts the dialogue.
Feron raised an eye ridge at Ethan's repair skills before nodded. "I have no objections," he replied. "He has certainly seen a lot more than most people." -- The first part is dangerously close to Feron's POV.
"Yes, of course," Liara continued with a nod. "But there's the fact that he jumped into an alternative universe." -- What does this have to do with whether he can help them? If there is something about it that concerns her, she needs to say it clearly.
The drell frowned. "You still believe that?"
The Courier sighed before rolling his eyes. "Yes, I'm from another universe," he stated, annoyed. "What, you want me to show you a stimpak? Because I can show you one." -- What would that do? How would a stimpak prove anything more than his Pip Boy etc?
"That's not what I..."
The asari approached the human. "If it can help, then perhaps I can join my consciousness with his."
Ethan blinked, giving Liara a confused look. "How will you able to do that?" he asked. "Telepathy?"
"Technically, it's a melding," Liara explained. "While I can attune my nervous system to yours, we can exchange thoughts and memories. Sometimes, an ordinary melding can become a true union, transcending beyond the physical universe."
"All right, keep the sappy details out. You just made it sound like it came out of a bad romance novel," Ethan replied, his face cringing from how awkward Liara explained this process to him as he raised his hands in front of him. "Let's get this other with." -- Thanks Ethan, I was thinking the same thing.
Liara approached him one more. "Relax, Ethan," she told the human in question as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "Embrace eternity!" -- Truly, this seems like an excuse for her to say that line.
Her eyes turned black as Ethan jolted from the electrical impulses coursing through his body. Then, many of his memories showed up in his mind, flashing before his eyes. He saw himself shaking hands with an NCR officer at the Strip, then seeing himself, alongside his companions, fighting against Lanius at Hoover Dam. Next, he saw himself at the Sierra Madre vault, trapping Elijah in it. He saw himself approaching Ulysses at the ICBM facility, his weapons holstered as he talked to the other Courier. So many memories, so many accomplishments. Sparing the Think Tank, banishing the White Legs from Zion Valley alongside Joshua Graham, helping the Misfits train in combat, killing Benny with his own gun, and many others. Then he found himself tied up in the middle of the Mojave desert, near Goodsprings. With Jessup and McMurphy standing behind Benny, the man in the checkered jacket, he pointed his golden-plated, custom-made Browning Hi-Power pistol at his head with a devilish grin on his face. Then he fired two rounds near his forehead. --- Too much. Way too much, especially since, if we haven't played Fallout, none of this means anything to us.
And just like that, it was over. Ethan blinked. He would have trouble describing what he went through. He was fine, despite going through some traumatic moments, but it felt like someone scrambled his mind and thoughts like an egg. -- Um... he's fine with thoughts and a mind scrambled like an egg?
"Goddess, that was…interesting," Liara commented, exhausted from the melding, as she placed her right hand on her forehead to mitigate her exhaustion. -- Liara's POV
"You all right?" the Courier asked.
"Yes. Such a melding can be intense. It can be…tiring."
"I can tell," the human retorted. He turned to Feron. "What do you think, Feron?"
"At this point, I don't know…" Feron admitted. "But I think I can see where you're coming from."
"Well…I guess we'll have to get you used to the galaxy at large, then," said Liara.
"While finding the body of the Commander," Feron deadpanned.
"Yeah," speaking of which," Ethan replied as he stood up. "What else can you tell me about her? From what you told me, she stopped an invasion and saved the galaxy from certain doom."
"Yes. That's…the gist of it," said Liara. "Not only that, but she had been chasing a super soldier. A turian Spectre named Saren. He was the one that led the invasion. "She…put an end to his madness." Her eyes then became misty from the tears. "I was part of her ground team. And I saw her die on the Normandy…"
"Sounds like you were a good friend to her," Ethan commented.
Liara nodded somberly. "She was tough and stern, but also a friend to those she cared about. And an extraordinary woman."
"And now we're finding her corpse," Feron dryly.
"To pay for the funeral, of course," Ethan replied as he turned to the drell before looking back at Liara. "I know it's hard for you, but sooner or later, the only thing you can do is to accept her death, dust yourself off, and move on." -- What does this line mean, about paying for the funeral? and its really insensitive considering how much Shepard apparently means to Liara. Sort of an arse-y thing to say.
Liara let out a sigh. "I know, but…"
"Begin again, but know when to let go," the Courier said rather cryptically. Ever since he arrived here on Omega, he didn't know what to do. Everywhere he went, especially at home, he would either encounter a group or someone trying to kill him or experience something extremely strange, causing such repeated events to make him desentized. "That's what I have done. No reason for me to let my past take over my life." -- This paragraph makes no sense, because according to the story, from the moment he arrived on Omega, he has known exactly what to do. Not even the tech is giving him pause. He's shown no reaction at all. Spelling on desensitized.
The asari said nothing. She looked up to the human as Feron stood off to the side, crossing his arms in front of him. "We'll see," she said. "There'll be an exchange taking place with her body soon. We need to figure out where it's taking place."
Feron nodded, agreeing. "We can ask Aria T'Loak for information," the lizard man suggested. "Come on. I don't think she had left Afterlife since we left." -- awkward, repetitive phrasing.
He looked to Ethan. "And on the way, we can get him up to speed as much as possible."
"Oh, boy," Ethan sighed. "Hope I didn't piss her off from the trouble I've caused. Also, I needed to suit up and get ready." He pulled a suitcase nearby his seat. Opening it, it contained a suit of armor, sporting a grey color with red strips on the arms. -- What? Suitcase? Where did that come from? And now he's worried about pissing people off? Not before he committed murder, robbery etc?
Liara glanced to see what Ethan was doing. "Okay," she nodded. "We'll wait, but you better hurry."
As Ethan was about to take off the paddings from his jumpsuit, he stopped when Feron spoke.
"Oh, and Mr. Sunderland? It's good to have you with us," the drell told the Courier. -- Huh? Feron has shown no sigh of thinking its good to have Ethan along. In fact, he's been showing the opposite reaction.
The human nodded. "Yeah," Ethan replied. "I'm one of the best couriers out there, long as the package isn't too big and it doesn't involve children, pets, or any devices that triggers a catastrophic event." -- huh? What does that have to do with anything? Sounds like you're trying to work in a quip from something.
With this, Feron and Liara left the room as Ethan began putting on the armor. He was beginning to develop an appreciation for the asari. -- ?? Where is the appreciation for the asari coming from? We haven't seen any sign of a growing appreciation.
**All in all, an interesting situation with an unlikely team-up. I suggest again, reading the piece out loud to yourself and rewriting a time or two before posting so that you can iron the smaller kinks out on your own. The more polished it is when it is posted, the better.
Keep writing and have fun!
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