Okay, so I finished the list of films I had prepared for this fifteen days early! I'm very, very good at procrastination.
And so this list of trumped-up opinions will end my five or so years of watching classic horror movies for the first time. I'll really miss it. But at least next year I'll be able to see all my favourites again.
So happy Halloween in advance, and thanks for reading!
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13) Troll 2 (1990)I hear a lot about how bad this movie is, so I thought it was important that I see it. As important as anything I do, anyway. Horrible, but gloriously so. Maybe the greatest two hours of my life.
This one woman is my favourite character in the history of fiction. I want her to be in every movie from now on. One of my favourite horrible movies ever. Pirate Death, take note. I ended up watching the Rifftrax version of Troll 2. They pointed out that one of the goblins looked like
Larry David. GOLD.
1 corn cob out of 5, but I loved it.
14) Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)And this was almost as good as Troll 2! Outstanding. It's actually quite rare to get a movie that's legitimately 'so bad it's good' - it has to really try to be good, and completely fail to realise that it's failing. Birdemic is outstandingly bad, but not quite as funny. Pirate Death - hang your head in shame.
0 million dollars out of 5, but again, I loved it!
15) The Last Man On Earth (1964)I am now in love with Vincent Price. This is the first film version of Richard Matheson's brillaint post-apocalyptic vampire novel 'I am Legend', about a wretch who survives the vampire apocalypse and fails to realise what he still has - which essentially invented zombies (Romero called
Night of the Living Dead a 'rip off' of Matheson's book). So what we have here is Vincent Price fighting vampire-zombies. The movie is almost completely identical to the novel - great. But I was a little bored, probably because I knew exactly what was coming next. Too loyal? Price is fantastic again. That one scene where he cries --- oh my God, Vincent Price.
4 broken mirrors out of 5.16) The Omega Man (1971)This one annoyed me, just like the Dawn of the Dead remake before. It's the second adaptation of 'I Am legend', and it just really rubbed me up the wrong way. I think it misses the point horribly - it turns the book's concept into a clean, cheesy Schwarzenegger-style action movie about a flawless, charming, muscular super-scientist Charlton Heston who has all the answers and a million guns - fighting albino cultists in robes and seducing hot mamas. And it's poor on its own merit, too - as an action film. Okay, see - at one point an innocent child earnestly asks Heston if he is God, and he bashfully declines to answer. Later he is crucified. Fuck you, Charlton Heston. What have you done with the love of my life Vincent Price.
1 hot mamas out of 5.17) The Invisible Man (1933)One of the many Universal classics I haven't gotten around to, but wanted to. It's all about the special effects (he's invisible, y'ee) but strangely, the effects are phenomenal. I straight-up don't know how they did it, a century later. Generally well made too, really good. The plot and characters seemed kind of lazy though, if not ridiculous in some cases. Claude Raines plays the invisible man and is extremely good in the role. A little funny, a bit creepy, very striking, very fun - I think the movie was going for this.
3 1/2 invisible armies out of 5.18) House of 1000 Corpses (2003) and
The Devil's Rejects (2005)Very conflicted about these two. The first one mostly seemed like just another Texas Chainsaw re-tread, with annoying editing. There's a fine line between homage and laziness. The second one was better, but to me it just seemed like an endless series of torture / interrogation scenes. These ARE very tense and uncomfortable, but they don't carry a film or make me like the interrogator. And man, Rob Zombie likes zooming-in on his wife's naked arse. Childish, both of these films. Wasn't scared at all, either.
Knightfall is a massive cowering wuss. There also is no house with a thousand corpses in it - I HATE when movies do that! The bloody Omega Man did that too. He was not the last man. Anyway.
2 fish boys out of 519) The Blob (1958)This is another one of the movies I started this October tradition for. Nice to finally see this film for the first time since I was 12 years old. It was pretty good! Surprisingly, it takes itself VERY seriously throughout... except for right at the beginning when it has its own swinging theme song by Burt Bacharach! Anyway, I thought this movie was not without its flaws - kind of hard to take the blob seriously even though they really do their best for that - but lots of fun.
3 midnight spook shows out of 5.20) Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)This is a very unique concept - a slasher movie from the killer's point of view. Leslie is a charming, ordinary guy who's trying very hard to be the new Michael Myers or Jason Voorhese, while a camera crew (inexplicably) documents this. I thought parts of it were first-class - coming up with explanations for all the slasher cliches, the characters as they emerged and changed, but also kind of sloppy. Sometimes it goes for laughs, other times tears, and the jokes usually fall flat. And it has a big plot hole. But that aside - it's a superb concept and it does such a lot of clever and moving stuff with it. Cali - I like your taste in horror.
4 starter motors out of 5.21) Re-Animator (1985)I really don't know what to make of this. It seems like the first half is a dark, modern Frankenstein movie that never quite makes sense, and then the second half is a ridiculous, surreal comedy. The plot is all over the place, the film is sometimes creepy or awkward - but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a good time! There is a lot of potential and I saw some crazy and / or wonderful stuff, but I don't know what the *point* of it was.
3 evil perv heads out of 5.22) The Revenge of Frankenstein (1958)Another Hammer movie - with Peter Cushing as Frankenstein, and he is great in it. I think I picked the oddball of the series, because this one has very little blood, violence or anything that could be called horror. There is no monster to speak of and no murder, and Frankenstein just goes around doing fairly innocuous experiments and helping poor and handicapped people. Aside from this, the movie is fine as a SF-ish drama. Also yet again the title problem - AT NO POINT does he take revenge on anybody. He doesn't even contemplate any revenge! Not even when he is nearly killed - TWICE! On purpose! In fact he forgives or forgets when people cross him on multiple occasions! He won't even LEAVE TOWN and abandon his patients when they try to arrest him. This movie genuinely has the least vengeful protagonist I've ever seen! He isn't even RUDE to the people who cross him. He just sort of politely ignores them. REVENGE of Frankenstein?? Why do movies do that!!
3 cannibal monkeys out of 5.23) The Abominable Doctor Phibes (1971)Vincent Price is perhaps the Messiah. I knew nothing about this film going in, so I was surprised to see it was a 'Saw'-esque serial killer thing where Price sets a series of elaborate traps to kill his 9 victims, based on the ten plagues of Egypt. The movie is really, really surreal and unique, which was great. It's totally original. Also Price speaks without ever opening his mouth, for no reason at all! I wish he was my dad! Seriously, this is one of the stand-out highlights of the month for me. There were some plot holes though.
4 deadly fruit bats out of 524) Jeepers Creepers (2001)Knightfall recommended this years ago and I never got around to it -- but man, I loved this one! I never thought I'd say this but Justin Long was fantastic in it. The story is fresh, the leads are both really interesting and fleshed-out, the music is good, it's subtle and clever, and best of all it's completely unpredictable. Every time something made me jump, it was something I'd never have guessed was coming. I think the first half was better than the second though. It sort of switches from stalker movie to monster mash very quickly, and stops being scary at that point. But yeah, loved it. Another highlight! I'm seeing a lot of good ones this year.
4 more starter motors out of 525) Ju-on: The Grudge (2002)I saw the Japanese one, but not the American one. I thought it was pretty boring. Same thing for Audition and The Ring, as well. The Japanese are apparently very boring. But the movie was smart and interesting and went out of its way to be creepy rather than shocking. But yeah - kind of boring. Not terribly scary, and 'there are some ghosts and they scare people repeatedly' doesn't seem like much of a plot.
3 burp-talking ghosts out of 5.And finally...
26) Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1949)There is a scene in this movie where Bela Lugosi, as Dracula, drives a speed boat. Vincent Price appears in a cameo to read the last line. That's all you need in a movie. I couldn't have asked for a better ending to this list. xD
4 revolving walls out of 5----
And with that - I HAVE NOW SEEN EVERY HORROR MOVIE EVER MADE. The scariest one is
The Exorcist. Additionally we learned that Vincent Price is the greatest guy ever.