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Trigger
Aug 12, 2012 16:19:05 GMT 1
Post by madhamlet on Aug 12, 2012 16:19:05 GMT 1
Believe it or not but writing good erotica is freaking HARD! And if anyone comments on that accidental pun I will find you and I will skin you.
I've read books and taken classes on writing and writing erotica; I still don't know if I'm good at it. I like to think so but.... This thread is for others to assist in providing me insight into my work with thoughtful comments on character, dialogue, suggestions, the smoothness of interaction between description and the mind's eye of the reader and the above all, highly-critical, suspension of disbelief.
If 'that wuz hawt!!11' was helpful, I'd be the most proficient author on the planet, but, thankfully, it isn't.
I hope to see something here I can work off of. Help me out and you'll have my gratitude, talk about puns and you're shoes.
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Trigger
Aug 22, 2012 16:09:06 GMT 1
Post by madhamlet on Aug 22, 2012 16:09:06 GMT 1
No one? No suggestions? Thoughts? Nothing?
I am perfect?
No! IT CANNOT BE!
Perfection is boring.
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on Aug 23, 2012 2:33:23 GMT 1
Okay, here is what I think about the first half.
Liara's characterization seems appropriate. I really enjoyed her dialogue with Tali (thought it was the highlight of the piece). There are some grammar errors scattered throughout ("eh, that's all I've got" should have a capitalized 'Eh;' "But- and you're so...Goddess," should have a period after Goddess instead of a comma) but these are minor mistakes that can be fixed by a beta.
As with your other story, you have a good ear for language. The line "the young quarian happily continued to blister the air with debauchery" made me snigger (well, that one and many other ones).
I...couldn't read the part between her and Shepard. I'm sorry. A scene taken to that extent in terms of sexualization makes me feel like I'm peeking through someone's window and watching stuff I shouldn't be.
However, I did skim it, and one thing I'd recommend is to try to keep the lighthearted tone of the first half in the second half. If things get too sexual too quickly, the scene loses the lovely humor you spent the first part building.
Hope that helped! As always, feel free to ask me for clarification.
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Aug 23, 2012 2:57:56 GMT 1
Okay, here is what I think about the first half. Liara's characterization seems appropriate. I really enjoyed her dialogue with Tali (thought it was the highlight of the piece). There are some grammar errors scattered throughout ("eh, that's all I've got" should have a capitalized 'Eh;' "But- and you're so...Goddess," should have a period after Goddess instead of a comma) but these are minor mistakes that can be fixed by a beta. I agree about the grammar bits - using a Beta's suggestions might have made those sentences a little cleaner. The story itself was good, the concept and the situation made me laugh (in a good way; I do so love Shy Liara!) but again, the sentence structure and punctuation could have been cleaner.
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Trigger
Aug 25, 2012 22:36:56 GMT 1
Post by madhamlet on Aug 25, 2012 22:36:56 GMT 1
Groovy. I appreciate it. Let me check my notes....
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Trigger
Sept 19, 2012 13:47:34 GMT 1
Post by spiritwolf71 on Sept 19, 2012 13:47:34 GMT 1
Well I looked and I laughed and I blushed and thought it was great. I was killing myself at the beginning cause I culd really see it in my head. The falling and blasting the computer before it got embarassing. I easily over look gramar cause, well, I'm very poor with it and the story was great. I loved the Tali and Liara conversation, probably the best between the two I have seen. I thought the smut was tasteful (Ok no pun intended) if that is even possible in smut. Great read overall.
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