iamseph
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 13
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Post by iamseph on Jul 4, 2012 10:15:15 GMT 1
Am I dead this time?Here's my review of my first fic (ie this is stuff that I already know I need to do): Finish writing the last scene, damn it. Add some description as well as dialog. Actually run a spell checker over it all.
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on Jul 7, 2012 0:36:07 GMT 1
I promised I'd review it aaaaand here we go!
The scenes have a nice flow to them, and there are some bits with great descriptive writing, like "Kerrigan knows what's coming next: the last push, no-man's land, a suicidal charge across open ground against enemy fire." Also KERRIGAN. What a great name for a Shepard. You have some snappy lines of dialogue in there, such as "I'll tell you, but promise you won't get up and fix everything once I've told you."
However, there are a couple things I think you can do to tighten up your flow. These sentences here ("The horizon of Earth had been forever changed by the Reapers landing, it was hardly recognisable as the same planet she had left behind to unite the galaxy") should probably have a period instead of a comma after "landing," and that note goes for a lot of sentences. You have quite a few run-ons, which can detract from the enjoyment of reading the fic. You also have some grammar errors sprinkled throughout, but eh, a beta reader can catch those for you. Occasionally, you change tense, which can really throw a reader off. Most of this is past-tense, so keep it past.
One thing I'd love to see more of is what makes Kerrigan unique as a FemShep. You've made it seem like she's quite the renegade, which is awesome - plausible renegade characters are few and far between - but sometimes I find it hard to believe that, given the sweet way she acts around Liara. That scene with Jack at the end (if you can flesh it out with description) adds a sense of that dichotomy, and it's also a great character portrait of Jack. Additionally, I think something that can make your own wrap-up story more engrossing is a scene or two that deals with the implications of the choice Kerrigan made. What is Joker like now? Is he pissed at her? Is there a backlash because the geth were exterminated, etc.?
Anyway, I really hope you write more! I'd love to read it. Please let me know if you have any questions about what I said.
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iamseph
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 13
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Post by iamseph on Jul 7, 2012 9:16:52 GMT 1
Thank you for the review.
I'm aware of my problems with tense and run-on sentences. I have no excuse for the number of run-on sentences I produce, it's just something I need to work at. Tense switches are caused by a combination of normally RPing in present tense and plain carelessness. I will do my best to fix them all.
You're quite right about Joker needing a scene. Kerrigan practically pushed him into EDIs metallic manipulators. I will think about that.
Kerrigan is complicated. She enjoys the rush of combat as much as she enjoys intimacy.
I have only one question. Could you give me an example of the grammar errors?
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on Jul 7, 2012 16:06:23 GMT 1
Sure! Here are a few:
"She double-checked that her shotgun was ready" (you didn't have the 'that')
"An Alliance shuttle slowly picked its (you had 'it's') way across the remnants of the citadel"
And then you have some comma splices in there, like "Every breath was torture, she couldn't tell how many ribs were broken and at least one lung was ruptured" should be two sentences instead of one.
But like I said, grammar errors are really minor. It's not like a reader is going to see your comma splice, scream, and throw his/her computer out the window.
So you are going to write more, then? Lovely! I can't wait to see more of Kerrigan's complexity.
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iamseph
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 13
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Post by iamseph on Jul 7, 2012 17:41:47 GMT 1
A grammar checker picked up a few of those as well, but I don't trust that to get everything and indeed it didn't. I'm just about good enough at writing to get complacent and not use one I have now expanded (possibly finished) the last scene and hopefully fixed any of the big faults thoughout. Despite all the possible consequences scenes, I'm actually thinking of writing an action scene next.
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