Post by Mister Buch on Mar 22, 2012 23:35:13 GMT 1
Thought I would set up a review thread for Cali's series of Skyrim shorts, which looks interesting to me.
I like the first one a lot, Cali. Nice one.
First off, the main concept is neat - a series of vignettes about various characters within Skyrim. The Elder Scrolls really, really lends itself to this kind of thing. This reads a lot like one of the books you might find on a bandit's shelf in a future game. Will the stories co-exist and come together in a point somehow? I like how you start with her pack of equipment: makes you feel like you're taking on her role in the game - loading up a save and checking your inventory. Nice touch.
The characters look solid and the writing is VERY solid. Very professional. It all flows nicely and everything is completely clear. You have a nice vocabulary and your narrative 'voice' comes through subtly but strongly, and seems to have a similar personality to Tilse, which works well. Her POV comes through distinctly in the 3rd person.
And the dialogue is sharp. Witty, clear, clever, surprising. Reminds me a lot of Knightfall's dialogue (actually in general your styles are very similar, based on this anyway). Sharp, direct dialogue. I envy that. Also reminds me of Joss Whedon.
Criticisms and a few things I wanted to call you up on:
- Sometimes you seem to use adjectives or turns of phrase which don't have much purpose beyond sounding literary. 'Causing her to...', for example. Little things that sound clunky and slow the pace down without adding anything. 'Making her' would be fine.
- There was one moment when you said 'could care less' and I think it should be 'couldn't care less'. Is that just an American thing? If so, I invite your entire nation to realise that it makes no sense. I think you also described the sword as ebony more times than was necessary.
- One line in particular sounded like exposition rather than real dialogue - too unsubtle - "Camlorn?" Tilse asked. "Isn't that a city-state in the province of High Rock?"
- And a couple of typos.
All in all - good, man. I've never properly read your work as you know, so I didn't know what to expect. This is quality, and I think your strongest points are the dialogue and plot/action progression. Maybe would have liked some more introspection, more description.
I like the first one a lot, Cali. Nice one.
First off, the main concept is neat - a series of vignettes about various characters within Skyrim. The Elder Scrolls really, really lends itself to this kind of thing. This reads a lot like one of the books you might find on a bandit's shelf in a future game. Will the stories co-exist and come together in a point somehow? I like how you start with her pack of equipment: makes you feel like you're taking on her role in the game - loading up a save and checking your inventory. Nice touch.
The characters look solid and the writing is VERY solid. Very professional. It all flows nicely and everything is completely clear. You have a nice vocabulary and your narrative 'voice' comes through subtly but strongly, and seems to have a similar personality to Tilse, which works well. Her POV comes through distinctly in the 3rd person.
And the dialogue is sharp. Witty, clear, clever, surprising. Reminds me a lot of Knightfall's dialogue (actually in general your styles are very similar, based on this anyway). Sharp, direct dialogue. I envy that. Also reminds me of Joss Whedon.
Criticisms and a few things I wanted to call you up on:
- Sometimes you seem to use adjectives or turns of phrase which don't have much purpose beyond sounding literary. 'Causing her to...', for example. Little things that sound clunky and slow the pace down without adding anything. 'Making her' would be fine.
- There was one moment when you said 'could care less' and I think it should be 'couldn't care less'. Is that just an American thing? If so, I invite your entire nation to realise that it makes no sense. I think you also described the sword as ebony more times than was necessary.
- One line in particular sounded like exposition rather than real dialogue - too unsubtle - "Camlorn?" Tilse asked. "Isn't that a city-state in the province of High Rock?"
- And a couple of typos.
All in all - good, man. I've never properly read your work as you know, so I didn't know what to expect. This is quality, and I think your strongest points are the dialogue and plot/action progression. Maybe would have liked some more introspection, more description.