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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jan 13, 2012 1:22:48 GMT 1
Slaps and comments are apreciated.
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UzielTD
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 45
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Post by UzielTD on Jan 13, 2012 10:09:36 GMT 1
Nice beginning, keep em coming. Your grammar's much improved, btw, and you got the whole wild west thing down, though I don't recall Jenkins talking like a good old boy, despite being raised on Eden Prime. He must have been special Just a couple of things, lore specific, which you might not know, or you do know, but simply decided to go a different route. Five foot four is tiny, especially for a genetically modified 2183 soldier of, ostensibly, European descent., Even a woman. Also, the Corsairs, I believe, were an Alliance initiative started sometime AFTER Shepard died. I think Jacob states as much in ME2 when you talk to him, but don't quote me on that. If you're keeping to the lore, aside from your character's involvement, then him being in the Corsairs at this point is impossible, assuming I'm right. If you're not, ignore this whole paragraph. Oh, out of curiosity, the name of Luke's friend didn't happen to be inspired by a guy from Rivia, did it?
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jan 13, 2012 16:13:49 GMT 1
Well I needed to drive the western effect (getitomgimsofunny) home a bit, hence the slang there. My defence to this however is that i'm sure some colonists (however few) might speak with this accent and i choose Luke's family to have it because why not? i have plans to make it so his dad is a CEO of a corperation.firm in Texas back in good ol' Holy Terra.
As for Femshep...meeeeh, sticking with her height there no offense. She's an Vanguard in this one, and i'm going with the lighter you are the better your off your feet. To be fair I prefer sticking to meters and all that.... Corsair wise, i always assumed most of the Cerberus folk did come from the Corsair programme. and since Cerberus is active in ME 1 i would assule the Corsairs are before there as well. I might be wrong here so i'll keep an eye out to.
Geralt....well, he's not as bad ass as an Witcher, so not really haha.
Thanks for the review though!
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UzielTD
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 45
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Post by UzielTD on Jan 17, 2012 2:31:34 GMT 1
The grammar needs to be tightened up more, especially your articles. For example, "a" should be used if the word after it starts with a consonant. And "an" if the word after starts with a vowel. Don't know if that helps. As for the story itself, I think it would have been great if the death of Luke's son (I was half expecting it the entire time) had been the motivation for him joining up with Sheppard against Saren, so I was a little disappointed when he joined after Anderson gave him the whole "save the galaxy" spiel . That probably would have made Luke a darker character than you were looking for, however. I can still hope you off John at some point, though, can't I? Also, Luke looks like he belongs in the Illusive Man's dossier list for ME2. I think he may be a little TOO bad ass, actually, but I'll wait and see on that.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jan 17, 2012 13:57:32 GMT 1
Someone on fanfiction.net suggested I should get a beta reader. I admit i'm having an hard time with grammar here, if anyone wants to be it i'll pay you your weights worth of karma points As for John...pfff, i dunno. I enjoy writing a single dad more then a man revenge driven. I mean i'll consider it still though if that helps anything? ^^; I did imagine John at first to be a MEII character, however if Shepard is willing to take someone along like Wrex, i think Luke would fit in just fine as well. Still thanks for the constructuive criticism there though!
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UzielTD
Serviceman 3rd Class
Posts: 45
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Post by UzielTD on Jan 24, 2012 4:31:56 GMT 1
Sheppard does lean a whole hell of a lot, doesn't she/he? A laughed when I realized that's exactly what Sheppard in the games does, and I just never gave it much thought.
You got the game characters down pretty well, just like you did in The Lucky Luke. Luke is starting get more fleshed out in his own right, now. Honestly, I'd like to see you focus more on him and less on events being an exacting mirror to the games, but I have an irrational hate for explicit canon things in fanfic, so don't mind me too much. At least you get the canon characters right, which is more than I can say for some stories I've seen.
Oh, and your grammar (apart from your trouble with articles) is actually pretty good, especially since English is not your first language.
So, proceed, sir. I want to know more about Luke.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jan 24, 2012 19:02:43 GMT 1
Thanks dude! I'll focus on Luke in the following chapters, he's oddly enough growing on me... I'm so glad i did't screw up the Canon characters, which was my biggest fear.
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