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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 4:19:26 GMT 1
Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Jul 6, 2011 4:19:26 GMT 1
I didn't see a thread on this already, if it's a duplucate, I apologize. Anyways, I got bit by the poetry bug pretty hard after having a weird dream that involved me joining Iron Maiden as a guitarist (go ahead, laugh. I know you want to.) and getting a vampire groupie. (God, I'm pathetic... lol). In the dream I'd written a song about vampires but for the life of me I can't remember the lyrics or even the tune I'd written for it. So I decided I'd give writing a poem a shot and then going for there. Who knows, maybe I'll actually write something good.
Now with all my yapping aside, here's what I've got so far. Plugs, criticism, and advice requested and appreciated.(Anyone jacking my work, however, will suffer my wrath).
"Pale shadows in the night Our sanguine kiss steals you from the light Over centuries, countless stories told, But the truth about us, so few truly know.
Shift our form from cat to wolf to bat Keep us at bay with garlic’s pungent wrath Blades of silver turn our flesh to ash Such amusing thoughts only make us laugh.
Devil spawn, demon seed Soulless shades that walk and breed, Many fear us, and rightly so We’re the only predators humanity knows.
Enter our lair, if you dare Our embrace yields pleasure beyond compare. But take care, my mortal friend: Stay too long and you’ll meet your end.
Gothic lace and skintight leather Are what most think I wear As I sit upon a throne. Their lack of imagination nearly Causes me to despair As it's Savile Row silk and an office chair That I own."
Currently a work in progress.
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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 5:33:28 GMT 1
Post by Clint Johnston on Jul 6, 2011 5:33:28 GMT 1
A bit dark, but each to their own.
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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 14:56:01 GMT 1
Post by Mister Buch on Jul 6, 2011 14:56:01 GMT 1
I like poetry. Will definitely have a good look at this when I can.
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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 20:02:09 GMT 1
Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Jul 6, 2011 20:02:09 GMT 1
Just so everyone knows, I'm still writing the poem. I just wanted to post what I had to see if anyone had suggestions. Poetry is not my strong suit. Far from it, actually.
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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 21:24:02 GMT 1
Post by Mister Buch on Jul 6, 2011 21:24:02 GMT 1
"Pale shadows in the night Our sanguine kiss steals you from the light Over centuries, countless stories told, But the truth about us, so few truly know. Shift our form from cat to wolf to bat Keep us at bay with garlic’s pungent wrath Blades of silver turn our flesh to ash Such amusing thoughts only make us laugh. Devil spawn, demon seed Soulless shades that walk and breed, Many fear us, and rightly so We’re the only predators humanity knows. Enter our lair, if you dare Our embrace yields pleasure beyond compare. But take care, my mortal friend: Stay too long and you’ll meet your end. Gothic lace and skintight leather Are what most think I wear As I sit upon a throne. Their lack of imagination nearly Causes me to despair As it's Savile Row silk and an office chair That I own." Currently a work in progress. Well I love the tone - you're never sure if s/he is being whimsical or annoyed or menacing - and so I found myself interpreting it as all three. Makes the speaker more mysterious - ties in with the 'the truth about us, so few truly know' thing. It flows nicely, although that last stanza threw me with the change in structure. I wasn't sure how those two lines were meant to flow, but I also kind of imagined the speaker growing weary or adding the lines to emphasise his point, which worked nicely. I might criticise just on the style, but this really is just a matter of taste. I don't like sentences with clauses reversed to end-rhyme - I know it's romantic, vivid, but I don't care for that approach. Also - my poetry teacher told me to never begin each line with a capital letter, on pain of an instant fail. So I think he'd be proud of me for whining about that. I like the rhyme scheme a lot and the way it seems to speed up in the second and third stanzas. Interesting and distinct voice, too - nice one.
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Poetry
Jul 6, 2011 22:09:01 GMT 1
Post by jklinders on Jul 6, 2011 22:09:01 GMT 1
Good work. Could be made into a song if that is what you wanted or left as is.
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Poetry
Jul 7, 2011 1:44:06 GMT 1
Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Jul 7, 2011 1:44:06 GMT 1
"Pale shadows in the night Our sanguine kiss steals you from the light Over centuries, countless stories told, But the truth about us, so few truly know. Shift our form from cat to wolf to bat Keep us at bay with garlic’s pungent wrath Blades of silver turn our flesh to ash Such amusing thoughts only make us laugh. Devil spawn, demon seed Soulless shades that walk and breed, Many fear us, and rightly so We’re the only predators humanity knows. Enter our lair, if you dare Our embrace yields pleasure beyond compare. But take care, my mortal friend: Stay too long and you’ll meet your end. Gothic lace and skintight leather Are what most think I wear As I sit upon a throne. Their lack of imagination nearly Causes me to despair As it's Savile Row silk and an office chair That I own." Currently a work in progress. Well I love the tone - you're never sure if s/he is being whimsical or annoyed or menacing - and so I found myself interpreting it as all three. Makes the speaker more mysterious - ties in with the 'the truth about us, so few truly know' thing. It flows nicely, although that last stanza threw me with the change in structure. I wasn't sure how those two lines were meant to flow, but I also kind of imagined the speaker growing weary or adding the lines to emphasise his point, which worked nicely. I might criticise just on the style, but this really is just a matter of taste. I don't like sentences with clauses reversed to end-rhyme - I know it's romantic, vivid, but I don't care for that approach. Also - my poetry teacher told me to never begin each line with a capital letter, on pain of an instant fail. So I think he'd be proud of me for whining about that. I like the rhyme scheme a lot and the way it seems to speed up in the second and third stanzas. Interesting and distinct voice, too - nice one. The rhythm shift is because that stanza is the beginning of the second part of the poem. My idea is to have several parts. The first part deals with the conflicting myths of vampires, the second part is where the vamp is bored but finds someone who would make interesting prey. The third deals with the cat and mouse nature of the hunt, and the fourth part will be the resolution. Pretty ambitious, especially since I do plan on setting it to music and giving it an Iron Maiden-esque feel. Think Hallowed Be Thy Name or Fear of the Dark. Edgy and dark, but not overly agressive.
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Poetry
Jul 8, 2011 3:00:22 GMT 1
Post by Mister Buch on Jul 8, 2011 3:00:22 GMT 1
Now writing songs is something I know nothing about, and think of as pretty intimidating! Good luck there, meironmaiden.
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I think we all knew that I would turn this thread into a plug for my own attempts at poetry. So here are one or two of mine, which I actually have already posted here before. xD
To the good-looking girl on the train, drinking Gordon's and singing along to Edith Piaf A sonnet with a rubbish meter.
No? You honestly have no regrets? No, I guess you'd have no use for them. You look near-perfect to me, well except for maybe your singing, and even then you do it stylishly. Everything paid and sipped from tiny bottles, like your gin. Yesterday's losses loudly swept away, your fleeting doubts banished with 'no' again. I wish I felt the same about regrets. I wish I'd stopped the trolley-bloke, just now, and a had a drink myself, to just forget like you with your rien. Perfect and proud. But next time, love, I shan't just let him go With such a simple, sorry answer, 'No'.
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Caravaggio after the death of Ranuccio Tomassoni An exercise in pretentiousness, which is probably utterly incomprehensible unless you saw the very good BBC documentary about Caravaggio which inspired this.
A reward for the head of the killer! The head we can't see in the black of the scene. The perfectly honest expression which is not our focus.
Michelangelo Merisi, of Porto Ecole, formerly of Malta and Naples and Rome, and Caravaggio, has black hair lit by the yellow-white fingers he thrusts his head at.
But that's all we can see. Black hair, black suit, crumpled and dirtied like nails holding rotten fruits. A dagger and sword, unlicensed but blessed by a friend of a friend of a patron.
He runs from a tennis court. 'Humility conquers pride' says the sword on the still-moving right leg. The leg is a master's but it's black, never draped in red cloth like his perfectly human dying virgin.
The most famous painter in Rome, and a good duellist, flees the sordid scene at night, the streetlamp bathing the fallen man and the hot spit still on his body. The spit still on the monster's lips is invisible, for now.
A reward for the hero who slays this sinner and takes him from this black world into paradise.
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Halloween From my '100 Words.com' entries, and rushed.
Tonight there are devils about, striding gleeful, an eight-hour season of innocent freedom, the chewy black centre of night, the last night before the grim festivals of light.
Today your kids dress just like Satan like Pagans with tridents, like demons and sirens, begging for chocolate from strangers and secretly dreaming of razors or hoping for razors tonight.
And now we two wait in exhilarating silence for realistic blood and a knife and a violin's scream and killers and Hammers and bats on a string, rebellious wings, the strength of the female survivor who kills
Michael Myers and shames his dull white. No fear in damnation tonight!
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