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Post by Cali on May 25, 2011 20:30:09 GMT 1
So far it's not bad! There are a few minor nitpicks that I have, but you could edit if you'd want. - Try bolding and underlining your chapter names, and italicizing the scene location cards to where it looks like this: - A one shot kill on a thresher maw seems to be a tad inconceivable. Though it's possible Grunt was fighting it for a while before dealing the final blow, so I'll leave that be. - A krogan's clan name/surname is always written and said before his given name. So it would be "Urdnot Grunt" rather than "Grunt Urdnot". - The mention that Grunt had fathered 'several' children seems to slightly contradict the genophage effects mentioned in the games. To be fair though, since he's a bioengineered, lab grown krogan it's entirely possible that Okeer conditioned his genes to counteract the effects of the genophage. - Krogan vehicles are called "Tomkahs". Though if it was a different or special vehicle grunt was driving, then I'll let that be. - Grunt pulling the arm off the Cerberus assassin may have been rather gnarly and even a little awesome, but I'm not certain that even a krogan would be strong enough to do that it one foul swoop. Maybe if he gradually pulled it off instead of pulling it off instantly... Don't let my criticism discourage you. Keep them coming, Gorvar! I haven't read any fics about krogan, but I suppose this will be my first.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 25, 2011 22:35:46 GMT 1
Thanks dude I edited the chapter opening and indeed did the name/title change. My bad for that one, no idea how I let that one slip. ^^; For the Thresher Maw scene i was inspired by the Mass Effect 2 cinematic trailer. www.youtube.com/watch?v=uS_pVQgVGoQ(skip to 1:35) I kinda had that as a starting point for the story, to let the reader know Grunt is a though bastard who isn't afraid of things that dwarf him a hundred times. I understand what you mean though, and dont worry I wont make Grunt to uber powerful. The explination you gave with Okeer making sure Grunt's 'seed' would indeed flourish was the one I went for. After all, why make the ultimate Krogan if it cant reprocreate and thus spawn more perfect warriors...with lesser qualities mind, but still almost as good as the father. It's my bad for not explaining the name of the vehicle, mostly because I forgot the name of the damn things ^^; I think I could have elft it open for interpertation and say it was a Cerberus car left behind by Shepard as a reward for Grunt. Grunt is proper buff though so I assume he does have the strength to rip someone's arm off, super soldier and all. I can be mistaken though, so my bad ^^ But again, thank you so much for reading and commentating. It's my first Mass effect story, and i'm glad you like it.
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Post by Mr. Glow on May 26, 2011 3:02:16 GMT 1
Heads down everyone, I'm trying to dispense advice!
I'm really sorry if I'm being too harsh here, but an honest review is worth more than a nice one! For starters:
* My biggest problem is that Grunt and Wrex don't sound like Grunt and Wrex. Sure, Wrex was a chieftain for two years, but he seems a lot more formal in your story than I'd expect.
* I don't know, maybe I'm wrong here, but I don't think you should have to explain what guardian lasers are or that the Citadel is the Mass Relay hub to us. If it were your original work, an explanation would be warranted, but you can probably assume a certain degree of familiarity with the canon from readers.
* Minor canon issue here. Okeer's dialogue, about how the only way to gain victory over the genophage is to ignore it, heavily implies that Grunt is just as sterile as the rest of the krogan.
* The spelling/grammar. First off, species names in Mass Effect aren't capitalised, so "The Turian Garrus" should simply be "the turian, Garrus". This is just my personal opinion, too, but try not to use ellipses so much, especially outside of dialogue. Spellcheck your work before you submit it, too.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 26, 2011 13:07:33 GMT 1
And I shall face you head on good sir!
I have to disagree with what you say about Grunt and Wrex though. From my own playthroughs and me watching youtube nearly every time before every chapter, I think I did Wrex and all very well. However I will listen to your advice and loosen him up next time we see him.
As for the guardian lasers and the citadel...well I see what you mean, but i rather wanted to give some depth to it. Like hearing 'Tuchanka, fourth planet of the Aralakh system' is a lot more cooler then just 'Tuchanka.'
I know what you mean of Okeer and I admit, it was a small bend in the lore there, same goes with Charr having a asari daughter already. What I wanted to show here was that because he achieved all of these achievements (continuing the Krogan race, killing a Tresher Maw by himself and so on), he still feels hollow inside.
As for the grammar, i completely understand and I will correct those mistakes, thank you for that though. As for the ellipses....well i'm going back to my Grunt argument here. Every time I do that it's because Grunt has a revelation of sorts, a epifany. But I'll cut down on that to, dont worry.
Again thank you for reading and giving an honest review.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 31, 2011 8:41:47 GMT 1
Anyone have any complains/tips for the past two chapters? I have some praise on my other boards, but I would like to hear your thoughts. I did loosen up Wrex a lot and espcially did a lot of checking on grammar.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jun 5, 2011 21:25:12 GMT 1
Next issue should be up tuesday guys.
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