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Post by madhamlet on May 23, 2012 21:54:03 GMT 1
I have no idea how things are done here, do I wait for someone else to say something? Offer them a place? Wot?
Well, I'll err if I do, if not, then this is the place one can say something about the fic if they wish.
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Post by Mister Buch on May 24, 2012 2:15:33 GMT 1
Things are done here in a pretty haphazard way - and most authors open a critiques thread so that's absolutely fine.
What's not fine is the fact that Liara is still making out with my laptop.
(I'm just kidding - that is also not a problem.)
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on May 26, 2012 3:44:20 GMT 1
Well, good sir, I said I would read your story, and now here I am as promised. Although this is only for the prologue bit.
You have an excellent command of language - nice varied sentence structure, description, etc. I really liked how throughout the most tense sections, you used long, flowing phrases, creating that kind of stream-of-consciousness effect. Realistic. You also have a good grasp of pacing and suspense. My eyes kept darting down the page, trying to figure out what you were going to do with the ending next. And also, I like your sassy Shepard ;D
Now onto the things I think you could improve. Sometimes your sentences were TOO long and flowing; as in, they were verbose. A sentence like "Gritting her teeth against a fresh way of pain, Shepard pulled herself to her feet and awkwardly shuffled to the controls, an arm outstretched to confirm, to authorize to just get the damn thing going and stop them, stop the dragons, stop the monsters, stop The Reapers" could be reduced to "gritting her teeth, Shepard pulled herself to her feet and shuffled to the controls to confirm, to authorize the damn thing and stop them, stop the dragons, stop the Reapers." You also like to throw in a ton of commas where I'm not sure they always belong, creating run-on phrases and sentences. Also, I think you could benefit from a beta as there are some typos scattered through. For example, "Liara T'Soni ran" should have a period at the end.
...well, this appears to be a good deal longer than most of the other reviews on this site, so I'll can it now before I start rambling!
Anyway, I don't usually go in for FemShep/Liara (I'm a Shenko or Shane girl myself), but this was a refreshingly written take on it. Nice work, Ham (can I call you that?).
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Post by madhamlet on May 26, 2012 10:31:59 GMT 1
Noted: Commas, run on sentences- My thoughts on that. Crisis situations don't allow one to take a break. My attempts was to do the same thing, not giving periods to keep the pace rushed.
Overdid it eh?
Pretty sure the commas are okay- I've worked so hard to master those. Sigh, back to the drawing board.
Total agreement regarding the beta reader. I just got back into writing after a bit more than a half-decade so all my old contacts are null and void. Also they're from different fandoms, any suggestions in that regard?
Good examples. If possible- keep an eye out for those run on encounters in the later parts, if I keep doing it call me on them.
Thanks for the comments.
Oh and I prefer 'Mad'. I love bacon, but not that much.
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 26, 2012 13:41:28 GMT 1
Total agreement regarding the beta reader. I just got back into writing after a bit more than a half-decade so all my old contacts are null and void. Also they're from different fandoms, any suggestions in that regard? That depends on if you go by Fanfiction.net's rules for Beta Readers. What I mean is, I read a lot. I write a lot - I just haven't posted anything here yet. I have a keen eye for typos and grammatical issues. But, I have not posted the "required by FF.net" number of stories or chapters to 'qualify' as a Beta on their site. However, if my lack of published / posted stories does not bother you, I could offer my services. As for your story, I did read it as well, but when I finished it I was too tired to think about what to say in a review so I did not review yet. On to my mini-review. ;D I liked your writing style; I loved the attitude / interaction between Shepard and Garrus. Especially his references to lamenting the fact that he owed her for a poker game. That made me laugh. I also liked Garrus' and Shepard's responses to the doctor who wanted to 'pull the plug', as it were: “Doc, I'm Garrus to my friends; you are not my friend since from what I understand, you're the guy who's going to kill Shepard.”
Shepard shrugged a shoulder. “Funny, as I was waking up I heard I was in better shape than at my last physical.” The doctor's smile slipped a fraction of an inch. “I also heard,” Shepard continued. “Something about killing me.”I loved those lines. Anyway, I don't have a whole lot more to say, mostly I agree that some of the paragraphs had overly long sentences / run-on sentences, but there can sometimes be a fine line there when trying to express urgency. I have seen writings before where the sense of urgency was portrayed very well with shorter sentences, but it does in a lot of cases depend on the writer's style.
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on May 26, 2012 17:33:36 GMT 1
Noted: Commas, run on sentences- My thoughts on that. Crisis situations don't allow one to take a break. My attempts was to do the same thing, not giving periods to keep the pace rushed. Overdid it eh? Pretty sure the commas are okay- I've worked so hard to master those. Sigh, back to the drawing board. Total agreement regarding the beta reader. I just got back into writing after a bit more than a half-decade so all my old contacts are null and void. Also they're from different fandoms, any suggestions in that regard? Good examples. If possible- keep an eye out for those run on encounters in the later parts, if I keep doing it call me on them. Thanks for the comments. Oh and I prefer 'Mad'. I love bacon, but not that much. Yeah, I think you did overdo it. But not everywhere. And the fact that you did succeed in some places means that the technique itself is viable. I just think that when you throw a lot of those elements together (commas, long sentences, lots of adjectives) the narrative can become bloated. As for finding a beta - you can find one on Fanfiction.net, although it takes time and a little good luck to find one who will be able to suit your needs. The beta reader descriptions should give you a fairly good idea of what they can do for you, though. You can also take a look at the writing they've published to see if it matches your style at all. Although I'm not really sure what to tell you if you're looking for a beta for multiple fandoms. Find multiple betas? Will do with the run-ons. Hopefully I'll get to the rest of the story this weekend!
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Post by madhamlet on May 26, 2012 18:08:23 GMT 1
This is all quite helpful. I'll take a look see around FF.net but frankly, I don't hold with some amorphous system designated what is or is not pre-reader material. (I'm old school, we called it Pre-Readers in my day and I'mma not chaning'. Get off my lawn!)
Lily Ariel Black: If you want to take a swing at it, I'm more than willing.
You're not wrong. I'm a very visual thinker; hard to cut and trim elements of action. Also I read a lot of Jim Butcher who can pad out an action sequence (That a reader doesn't mind) like no one's business.
If you can highlight a few places with recommendations that would be highly appreciated. Back to work.
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 26, 2012 21:13:30 GMT 1
Lily Ariel Black: If you want to take a swing at it, I'm more than willing. Just let me know what you want me to pre-read and I can try it. Just to reiterate, though, I'm good with spotting typos and grammatical issues, but I can't imitate anyone else's writing style. So my pre-reading would just be to proof-read for typos and any minor errors, and sentence structure, as well. I've never Beta'd or proof-read anyone else's material before (since FF.net has that silly rule) so this would be new for me. On the other hand, my dream used to be to be an editor, and Beta-ing or pre-reading is as close as I can think of to editing work as I can get without doing years of schooling with money I can't afford to spend on schooling... ;D
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Aerecura
Commander
Calliope Queen
Posts: 244
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Post by Aerecura on May 28, 2012 0:35:12 GMT 1
This is all quite helpful. I'll take a look see around FF.net but frankly, I don't hold with some amorphous system designated what is or is not pre-reader material. (I'm old school, we called it Pre-Readers in my day and I'mma not chaning'. Get off my lawn!) Lily Ariel Black: If you want to take a swing at it, I'm more than willing. You're not wrong. I'm a very visual thinker; hard to cut and trim elements of action. Also I read a lot of Jim Butcher who can pad out an action sequence (That a reader doesn't mind) like no one's business. If you can highlight a few places with recommendations that would be highly appreciated. Back to work. Hah, I've never heard them called pre-readers before! But I'm pretty new to all this business anyhow. And here's an example of a place where I think it gets bloated: "A single holographic control was gently shifting in color from the default orange, down to a light blue and back to orange; floating above the controls a three dimensional model of The Crucible hung in mid-air, spinning lazily about and about." I would change it to: "A single holographic control was shifting color between the default orange and a light blue. Above the controls floated a three-dimensional model of The Crucible, spinning lazily. And another one: "A maddening frenzy of the lower echelon Reaper troops took it down in a flurry of violence; their massive gun arms swinging in long arcs bludgeoning the harvested Turian into a shapeless mass and then they began to feast." could be changed to "A frenzy of Reaper troops took it down in a flurry of violence, their massive gun arms bludgeoning the harvested turian into a shapeless mass. Then they began to feast." (also, for ME fics, you don't need to capitalize species names! At least, that's the convention.) You have a gift for vivid language in these action sequences, so it's okay to make the sentences a bit choppier or not explain every detail. What you have explained is quite enough to conjure a strong image. I really like your second section! Once again, your vivid description evokes emotion very well. You've got some zingers in your dialogue, but they can get a bit clunky for the same reasons as the above phrases. For example, this line (which is awesome!): “Doc, I'm Garrus to my friends; you are not my friend since from what I understand, you're the guy who's going to kill Shepard.” could be tighted up to "Doc, I'm Garrus to my friends. From what I understand, you're the guy who's going to kill Shepard. You are not my friend." Also this line: “Mmmm, I have to say Doc, these are perfect. Garnished with just the right amount of hypocrisy and bullshit.” Oh god. Just PERFECT. A couple of other notes: a) Make sure it doesn't get too maudlin. The scene in which Shepard was telling Liara what happened on the Crucible was for the most part touching, but it could get a little sappy for my liking (“Come with me,” Liara replied holding out her hands. “We can be safe.”). That's minor, though. b) You have a very elevated voice with a great vocabulary. But not every character in your story does, so make sure to keep them in-character. I especially noticed this with Garrus - he seemed a little OOC on lines where he used a lot of elevated vocabulary, since his speech style is more simplistic.
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Post by madhamlet on May 29, 2012 22:07:12 GMT 1
Yep, those are some good points. I particularly think your restructuring of Garrus' into to the doc is must better. I'll watch the maudlin factor BUT Liara representing safety is a key point for future developments. That had to introduced early...I'll tone down in other areas though. I despise WAaaangst. Heck, I had a rep in other community for being a living reminder of Earn Your Happy EndingAnd your dead right about the lengthy sentences. Damn. I appreciate it. New part up, again, no pre-reader available. I PM'ed Ariel...or I could have sworn I did. Did you get it or am I suffering from delusions. Again?
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on May 30, 2012 0:11:00 GMT 1
New part up, again, no pre-reader available. I PM'ed Ariel...or I could have sworn I did. Did you get it or am I suffering from delusions. Again? MadHamlet, I never got a PM from you... I would have responded accordingly if I had... I'm sorry, if you PM'd me, I'm not sure why it didn't get to me?
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Post by madhamlet on May 31, 2012 17:35:07 GMT 1
Ah, alright Ariel. Hmmm...I'll need some sort of contact address to send them too however.
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Post by madhamlet on Jul 12, 2012 5:35:06 GMT 1
Two chapters posted. Would appreciate thoughts, feedback and critique.
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Post by ddraigcoch123 on Jul 23, 2012 3:06:29 GMT 1
I am not going to be real helpful on a technical critique... but as a big fan of ME and also someone who feels let down by the ending I really really enjoyed it. I laughed out loud several times and could hear all their voices in my head speaking your words, you have the banter between Shepard and Garrus spot on... needed more of it in the game if you ask me... And your preamble about what you would love to do with the 'people' who created the endings... well I would pay money to see that in an animation... You have to keep writing, I am hooked... and not enough people will get to see this... i feel an offer to dark horse comice in the offing with Mally doing the art
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Post by madhamlet on Aug 7, 2012 23:17:13 GMT 1
Posted the last chapter of the first book. Looking for summaries, suggestions thoughts and insight.
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