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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Mar 12, 2014 1:49:46 GMT 1
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job ; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
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Post by Clint Johnston on Mar 12, 2014 16:32:14 GMT 1
Violent, but amusing.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Mar 23, 2014 0:50:43 GMT 1
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Mar 23, 2014 1:20:45 GMT 1
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
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Post by Cali on Mar 23, 2014 1:56:03 GMT 1
I remember reading those back in 2002. Older than steam powered internet, mate.
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Post by jklinders on Mar 23, 2014 4:07:55 GMT 1
Having worked in computer tech not too long ago, it's as valid now as it was then.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Mar 28, 2014 6:20:37 GMT 1
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Mar 29, 2014 1:50:07 GMT 1
Oh, and when the conductor can't hack it, they take the stick and give him a lifetime pass to the exhibition hall's VIP box.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on May 22, 2014 21:31:38 GMT 1
Beer Troubleshooting.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Oct 24, 2014 0:17:48 GMT 1
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Post by jklinders on Nov 24, 2014 11:59:20 GMT 1
Not a joke as such but whatever.
A crow just called just outside our window. My cat rushed over for a look. I just shook my head and said "Shadow, that was a crow, it's bigger than you and would have given you a very good run for your money."
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Dec 10, 2014 0:06:28 GMT 1
For Gorvar - this might make you laugh! This is from the website " Not Always Related". Linders and I think this might be the "Gorvar Edit" of the song in question... A Prehistoric Christmas Tradition( My mom got her boyfriend Beatles Rock Band for Christmas one year, which my little sister quickly became obsessed with playing. She doesn’t know anything about the Beatles or how to select which songs she wants to play, so she’s always asking my mom’s boyfriend for help.) Sister: “Can you help me pick a song?” Mom’s Boyfriend: “Sure. Which song did you want to play?” Sister: “Lucky in the Sky With Dinosaurs!” ( We couldn’t stop laughing. We never call the song by its real name anymore.)
EDIT: Here's another one, this time from "Not Always Friendly" - a sister site to the other one. Bizarrosaurus( I take things very literally. If I say hello,and someone says, ‘what?,’ even if I know they haven’t heard me, I pretend they have and go on to explain that hello is a greeting. My friend is crashing on my sofa. I walk into the room.) Me: * absently* “Roar.” Friend: “…what?” Me: * patronizingly* “Roar. It’s a…” * I realise what I’ve said* “…hello in… dinosaur?” Friend: “What?” Me: “Yeah. I started that thinking I’d said hello. Then I realised why you said ‘what’ but I was too far gone to turn back.” Friend: “This entire trip was worth it just for that one, ridiculous moment.”
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Dec 10, 2014 9:52:51 GMT 1
Glad to know I am always in your hearts and minds
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Post by Lily Ariel Linders on Dec 11, 2014 0:12:51 GMT 1
We love you loads, Gorvar darlin'!
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 16, 2014 0:28:13 GMT 1
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