I think I happened upon a Mass Effect fancomic that may be so batshit insane, wonky, cracked out and unintentionally hilarious that there's way I couldn't have been waiting for this my whole life, even if I didn't see it coming or ask for it.
The comic is a ubiquitously titled Garrus x FemShep shipping fic called "Era" (could be a working title). It's almost entirely hand drawn, and to be perfectly honest, the art isn't that bad most of the time. It's written in such a hilariously hasty oddball and unorthodox fashion. If the Davies DLC was the Sonichu of Mass Effect, then Era is the Tail's Gets Trolled. It's so hilariously bad that I love it. I fucking love it so much I'd take a bullet for it.
It's best if the author herself, LadyGray85 explains it:
Well okay, it seems we're off to a rather good start. The author is brutally honest and to the point.
And here's her profile pic:
A depiction of a psychotic, grinning, pink haired girl with a nosebleed. I swear, everything about this just fits like a glove.
ALRIGHT LET'S DO THIS
FAN COMIC SIGN
Panels 1 & 2. We're already at a strip club. Big cop movie bonus.
Panel 3: METAL GEAR?!!
That aside, let's look at everything else.
a. The establishment of sound effects in this is just freaking gold.
b. The way she draws Turians are extremely varied and amazing. Most of the time they look extremely realistic, like they have more animal personality than alien. Not sure if this was intentional or not. I'm not gonna think about it.
Panel 1: Same old desperate-ass Garrus. He gets into more arguments with his boss than Chow Yun Fat did with his in Hard Boiled.
Panel 2: And nope it turns out it's NEVER enough, Garrus. It's good that our friendly neighborhood Turian has the willpower and resolve to not go on a shooting spree in the C-Sec station.
Also, he's really pulling the nepotism card here. Not only that but Garrus looks fucking VICIOUS throughout the entire comic. He has the "I just devoured five-hundred Geth children and mounted Saren's head as a hood ornament" look about it.
Panel 1: GODDAMN SON, SEE WHAT I FUCKING MEAN! EVERYBODY RUN, THE MOON IS FULL AND IT WILL SOON BE FULL OF BLOOD! GET TO DA CHOPPERS, JETZT! SCHNELL!
Panel 2: So Executor Palin is the one who's been leaving all those secret admirer candies and nasty love notes in Garrus' drop box? So, Garrus is a confirmed Sue in this in that everyone lavishly asskisses him one way or another, even if it's Palin in his own mind. Also, yeah, the spelling errors in that, but from here on this will be the only time I go on that, since it's too easy.
Panel 3: Ladies and gentleman, Franka Potente and Michael Savage; space rangers.
"My name is Garrus and I have stage 3 syphilis."
"Hello, I'm the Boss. Want me to tell you everything there is to know about war, love, death, life, and politics?"
And damn do Garrus' legs look a tad robotic here. A bit too symmetrical, but eh.
And why the fuck is he tapping himself? Is he Francis York Vakarian now?
Panel 1: Woah, easy on the interior webbing Kaiden! You'll get bits of omni-gel in your teeth.
Panel 2:
Seriously, Garrus looks almost consistently "Disney villain" in every panel. Should we be rooting for him?
Panel 1: Garrus is about to go John McClane on the toughs in the med clinic and- who the fuck is that in the background! It looks like some nerdy kid in a fetal position with a gameboy in his hand and his wang out! Nevermind, I don't wanna think about it.
Panels 2 and 3Panel 1: Hmm... looks like Mike Nichols directed this shot. "Commander Shepard, are you trying to seduce me?"
Panel 2: Oh come on, Shep. You've been in the Galaxy long enough to not engage in such boorish racial profiling? Also, Shepard really has that "heroin junkie grabbed off the street mugshot" look in pretty much every part of the comic.
Panel 3:
Again. The resemblance is uncanny. I take it back, Shep, Garrus is probably going to stab you in the back.
Actually since this is a shipping comic, he's going to just gonna made sweet alien love to you.
Panel 1: Ha ha, Garrus' face. Also, what are Meg Ryan and Christian Bale doing behind him?
Panel 2: OKAY WHAT IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK?! Do you not notice the depiction of some dude WANKING right next to you?! I mean, is that grafitti? It doesn't look like grafitti since the proportions go outside the lines of the wall. Is he... playing the guitar maybe and it's just poorly drawn? Christ I fucking hope.
And Kaiden?! What the fuck man? Are you praying to Jobu or some shit? Didn't your military training teach you how to properly breach a door?! And what's with the half-assed "Openin' the door nuww guuuuyyythh." Are you high?!
Panel 3: Well, gotta admire Fist for being old fashioned as all fuck. He's using nitro-glycerine based explosives in the space age.
Panels 1 and 2:
I don't think I have much to say here. Everything here is so medically convoluted and impossible that Patch Adams looks like the Harvard Journal of Medicine in comparison. And Garrus gets a boner really fast apparently.
Panel 1: Kaiden, you're such a ham sausage, man. Also the blood spot on Garrus' hand looks like a killer logo for a communications company.
Panel 2: The eyes of Kenneth Mars.
Panel 3: At least you don't have a compound calculus injury, Garrus those things fucking suuuck.
Okay, I promised not to do that. I'm sorry.
Panel 1: What in the ever loving Vorcha-fuck is Shepard carrying? It looks like a 16th century Portugese arquebus with a sniper scope attached to it. And Kaiden continues to act like a bafoon: Why is he (A) Leaning against a wall in a high tension combat situation, and (B) talking like he's from Minnesota?
AND WHAT THE FUCK?! Another freaking weird anomaly in the background, this time of a decapitated stripper! Wha- wha- what's going on?!!
Panel 2: And first they have to size each other up before the reckoning...
Oh God, two oversized close pins being aimed at me, no! I'll tell you anything, anything!
Panel 1: Omni-gel can't fix a wound like that shit, mayte!
Panel 2: Why does Garrus look like a hungover Randy Quaid in this panel? Also, Ashley's kawaii face. Yuck.
All panels: It doesn't take much talk of semi-heroism to make ol' Ash start the waterworks. Also, this Shepard has the potential to be the most emotionally manipulative and abusive naval commander in human history. She basically has all her work cut out for her in that everyone kisses her ass and blames themselves for her problems.
Panel 1: Yeah, just watch Shepard sell nine of those ten weapons without Garrus' permission by the time they get to Noveria.
Panel 2: Big Daddy Vakarian, Palavan's most notorious pimp!
Panel 3: I didn't think it was possible, but she looks every bit as menacing as Garrus has throughout this whole comic.
Panel 1: "Sterling Mallory Archer! I told you to get away from Commander's asses!" And that thing about alien physiology seems a bit half-baked. You'd think there'd be several courses on individual species for crying out loud. Did Chakwas get her medical license out of a cracker jack box?
Panel 2: Oh, Garrus is such a magnet for trouble the Irish shed their skin and run away on sight.
Panel 1: And she was doing so well holding the calibration jokes back until now. And why does the lower deck look like the lobby of a four star Bangkok hotel?
Panel 2: Aaaaaand Garrus is officially an eight year old kid. Regardless it does provide a pretty good explanation, but I just sort of assumed he slept in the Mako most of the time. I have to admit, despite the ludicrousness of the concept (and the comic) I like this idea better. We'll go with this.
Aaaaand time to take a break so I don't go insane. Trust me guys.
It only gets more insane.
And not to mention a little unsafe for work. To the point where I'm not even sure I can post some of the stuff here without violating some forum rules or something. There's no actual nudity thus far (err... if you don't count the penis man anomaly on the eighth, and possibly sixth page), so I'm kinda wondering. I'll probably just hyperlink shit to keep things cool around here.
Time'll tell.
Imma calibrate some shit.