jraym16
Serviceman 3rd Class
I have transcended the need of an avatar.
Posts: 24
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Post by jraym16 on Dec 19, 2010 19:13:16 GMT 1
Greetings. In case you forgot, I am "the other guy" who was given the license to Mock Effect 2 around the same time as ClintJohnson(I've been liking his version so far by the way.) Anyway, I haven't posted thus far because I wanted to get pretty far into before posting anything, so I could have some semi-regular schedule. So, without further rambling, here is my version of Mock Effect 2, please give me some feedback.
Prologue
Two people are hanging out in and office that seems to contain a close-up view of a giant, red, evil-looking sun. One is a long-haired brunette in a skintight outfit. The other is a fairly old man with blue glowing eyes. He is simultaneously smoking and drinking while wearing space casual attire.
Miranda: Shepard did everything right, more than we could have hoped for. Saving the Citadel and the Council, securing humanity’s respect in the eyes of other galactic races. And still it’s not enough.
CAPT.WILLARDFROMAPOCALYPSENOW: Of course not, have you ever met any of those councilors, nothing is ever enough. Shepard remains our best hope due to the incompetence of everyone else.
Miranda: They’ve got him looking for Geth. GETH. We both know they’re not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there.
WILLARD: And it’s up to us to stop them.
Miranda: The Council will never trust Cerberus. Even after everything humanity has accomplished, such as our random inhumane experimentation and unspecified terrorism, not to mention that huge ad campaign about how aliens are stealing our jobs.
CAPT.WILLARDFROMAPOCALYPSENOW: Let’s spare the reader this expository tease. They’ll find out what’s happening soon enough. Oh, and make sure we don’t lose Shepard.
Miranda: Wait, how?
CAPT.WILLARDFROMAPOCALYPSENOW: Don’t worry about it. That was just some obvious forshadowing I had to shoehorn in there.
Fade to Black
Several years ago, a groundbreaking parody known as Mock Effect was introduced to much critical praise and attention. However, the author decided not to do a sequel. Years went by, until a completely random and inferior author decided to steal all of the creative contributions of the previous writer to create an uninspired follow-up. Most people chose to ignore the façade.
But for those who know the truth, the search for answers is just beginning.
What sort of answers they are looking for is still unclear…
(The Normandy drops out of hyperspace…or something next to a planet.)
(Inside, people are doing random tasks around the bridge. DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER is filling in for some crewman doing the job of passing datapads around the ship.)
Joker: Disengaging FTL drive engagements. Emission sinks active. Board is green. We are running silent.
Pressley: We’re wasting our time. Four days searching up and down this sector and we haven’t found any sign of geth activity. Seeing as up until a few weeks ago we couldn’t go five minutes without running into Geth that’s got to be a bad sign.
Joker: Three ships went missing here in the past month. Something happened to them. Something that could include any number of the problems we encountered in side-quests last time that had nothing to do with Geth whatsoever.
Pressley: My money’s on slavers, the Terminus Systems’ crawling with them. And apparently every other part of the galaxy.
RITATHERANDOMNPC: Cut the exposition you two. Picking up something on the long range scanner. Unidentified vessel. Looks like a cruiser.
Joker: Perfect timing to fit in with our conversation. Doesn’t match any known signatures.
(Outside, then Normandy flies by, appearing to have covered no distance since the last time we saw it. In the distance we can see a ship that resembles something in between a rock ice cream cone and a Star Trek Reject.)
RITA: Cruiser is changing course. Now on intercept trajectory.
Pressley: Can’t be. Stealth systems are engaged. There’s no way a Geth ship could possibly…
(There is an awkward pause as Pressley waits to be interrupted)
Joker: Oh right, the interruption. Ahem. (Squints dramatically) It’s not the Geth. Brace for evasive maneuvers!
RITA: Wait! I thought we’d already established that it wasn’t Geth when it didn’t match any known signatures. The Geth have to be a known signature by now. Joker: Shut it!
(Just as he says this the other ship fires a laser beam at them)
Pressley: Damn. They have laser beam technology. They’re so advanced they can even see through our stealth systems.
RITA: Or maybe they have windows? Stealth systems don’t turn the ship invisible you know.
Pressley: They don’t?! Did anyone else not know that? (Everyone just stares at Pressley sympathetically.) Oh well.
(Before he can say anymore, the beam hits the ship and Pressley’s terminal mysteriously explodes, killing him instantly. RITA seems to actually care, abandoning her post to do… something)
RITA: Pressley! Unnghh! (A random electrical charge kills her instantly as well.)
Joker: Kinetic barriers are losing kinetic energy. Multiple hull breaches have been breached. Weapons offline. Somebody get that fire out! Wait a minute. (Joker looks around to see that virtually everyone has left the bridge) Damn it! (He reaches for where the fire extinguisher should be but it is gone) Aw come on!
(Below decks, Lt Kaidan Alenko runs through the hallway in a miss-sized white and shocking pink armor. He struggles to get his helmet on which seemingly resembles some kind of death mask. Nearby him, several crewman die in more bizarre electrical discharges, making extremely canned scream sound effects in the process. He finally finds Commander Jane Shepard standing by the escape pods adjusting her own helmet with a new tinted visor.)
Kaidan: Shepard!
Jane: I wish people would use my first name more often. Oh well, I guess it’s better than ma’am. Anyway, the distress beacon is ready for launch. Not sure what good it’ll do but hey. Wait a minute, is that Williams’ armor you’re wearing?
Kaidan: Uh well, I um…er
Jane: You know what, I don’t want to know. But, what’s with the death mask.
Kaidan: Well, Williams’ has been into this emo thing recently…
Jane: So it is Williams’ armor.
Kaidan: OK. I swear this isn’t how it looks.
Jane: Explain later, we’ve got bigger problems.
Kaidan: Will the Alliance get here in time?
Jane: What, with several hours before Admiral BISHOPFROMALIENS gets this signal, a multi hour trip, and a ship raining a death laser beam down on us? Of course they won’t be here!
Kaidan: Oh.
(Kaidan starts spraying the nearby fires with a fire extinguisher. There is a post-it note on it saying “Do not remove from cockpit. –Joker”)
Jane: Get everyone on the escape shuttles.
Kaidan: Joker’s still in the cockpit. He won’t abandon the ship. I’m not leaving either.
Jane: Have you noticed the ship is disintegrating around us?! And why did no one pick up Joker on the way down?! He can’t even walk!
Kaidan: Well, I was trying to find the escape pods. I don’t remember seeing them anywhere on the ship before. There’s no directions or anything.
Jane: Alliance regs specify that escape pods be hidden away behind secret passages, like this one behind the sleep coffins of death.
(Another crewman runs by and is hit by an explosion.)
Jane: The regs also specify that power be transferred through exposed and explosive conduits. Just like back on the Endar Spire right? Oh sorry, I’ve been working on that.
Kaidan: It’s OK Shepard, you’re trying.
Jane: Alright, I gotta go get Joker. Get everyone to the escape pods Kaidan, now.
(She starts to walk away)
Kaidan: Hey Shepard! (She looks around) Thanks for getting my name right.
Jane: (smiles under her helmet) See you down on the planet.
Kaidan: You got it.
(Jane runs through the Normandy, past the broken elevator down to engineering where she can hear the screams of the crewmen trapped and burning alive in the garage)
Jane: I told them. Stairs. (She shakes her head and walks away)
(She continues up the stairs onto the bridge where total vacuum has taken hold. She wonders how Joker could still be alive. She then walks forward into the cockpit and the Bubble of Oxygen Retention.)
Jane: What the hell is this Bubble?
Joker: It’s the Bubble of Oxygen Retention, the latest in retentive bubbling technology.
Jane: And where did you get that crazy space helmet?
Joker: Comes with the cap.
Jane: Anyway come on we need to go.
Joker: NO! I won’t abandon the Normandy, I can still save her!
Jane: Um, the hull is blown wide open, all the essential crewman are either evacuated or dead, and most of the power is gone. Look, the buttons you’re pressing aren’t even doing anything!
Joker: NO! We just have to…maybe you’re right. I guess we should go now thanks to the inexplicable pause in the laser beam attack…oh no.
(The laser beam resumes attack right in front of them. Jane grabs his arm which cracks the bone and picks him up)
Joker: Ow! Watch the arm! I thought after you read my file and all you’d know that my bones…
Jane: Enough with the file reading thing. I’m your commanding officer, I have to read your file.
(They cross the bridge and get to the escape pod area while the ship miraculously does not fall to pieces around them. Joker is seated in the last escape pod while Jane stops outside to tie an imaginary shoelace…or something)
Jane: Wait a minute, we went through vacuum and you didn’t have a space suit on! I saw Event Horizon, how are you still alive!?
Joker: That’s simple, I…
(Joker is cut off by another laser blast next to them, which defies the laws of physics by pushing Jane away from the escape pods. In the ultimate sacrifice, Jane activates the escape pod button which is several yards away from the escape pod for some reason. As the escape pod launches, another blast sends Jane flying away from the Normandy’s exploding wreck)
Jane: Great. Now what? Hey, what’s that hissing sound?
(Jane realizes her suit is leaking oxygen and looks around desperately on her person for magical omnigel to fix it while cursing herself for not asking Joker about his magic vacuum resistance sooner. However, after a few seconds she can’t move and begins floating off.)
Jane: Hey, there’s sad piano music. At least it’s a change from the xylophone piece.
(Jane’s lifeless body begins entry of the planet’s atmosphere below)
Mock Effect 2
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jraym16
Serviceman 3rd Class
I have transcended the need of an avatar.
Posts: 24
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Post by jraym16 on Jan 4, 2011 22:45:25 GMT 1
Hey all, it's me again. I know I said I'd be posting on a regular schedule since I have alot of the piece done already but I was held up over the holidays. Expect more regular updates from here on out. Please give me some feedback. Thanks.
Chapter 1: Rude Awakening
(There is a montage of a bunch of needles injecting medigel into lifeless tissue. It magically comes back to life as various cybernetic implants are also inserted)
Miranda: Commander Shepard’s body has been recovered. I’m not sure how, considering her body should have been incinerated while travelling through the planet’s atmosphere. But anyway, the Lazarus project is on schedule.
(We see the world briefly through Jane’s eyes as she awakens prematurely. A scientist in a rubber t-shirt and the brunette from before in a similarly tight body suit stand around talking)
Wilson: You know I don’t like you hanging around in my lab when I’m working Miranda, you don’t actually know anything about biology. Wait a minute. Shepard is responding to stimuli. Showing an awareness of her surroundings. Oh my god Miranda, I think she’s waking up.
Miranda: Obviously. Her eyes are open and she’s looking around the room dimwit. Give her the sedative. Shepard. Don’t move. Just try to stay calm.
Wilson: Heart rate’s still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts.
Miranda: How is normal, waking brain activity ‘off the charts’? What kind of charts do you have there?
Wilson: Beta wave charts. I got them from the Normandy’s doctor. Stats pushing into the red zone. It’s not working!
Miranda: Another dose. Now! I will not let a bad cliché ruin this whole project!
(Shepard’s hearing and vision begin to recede)
Wilson: Stats dropping back into normal zones. That was too close. For some reason, her waking up almost caused us to lose her.
Miranda: I told you your numbers were off.
Wilson: How did you know that? You’re not a biologist.
Miranda: Because I’m always right damn it!
(Shepard’s vision fades to black as Miranda inexplicably looks her in the eyes affectionately)
(Later, we see Jane finally wake up as Miranda’s voice comes in over the intercom and the sounds of explosions wash in from the surrounding area)
Miranda: Wake up Commander. Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed right now this facility is under attack.
(Jane starts to get up, making bizarre facial expressions and clutching her side in pain)
Miranda: Your scars aren’t healed yet but I need you to get moving. There’s a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. I’m not sure why it’s there but Wilson said he needed it for something, I didn’t really ask him about it.
(Jane walks across the room and grabs a pistol and N7 armor. After putting it on she tries to test the pistol but it won’t fire)
Jane: What’s wrong with this pistol?
Miranda: It needs a thermal clip.
Jane: What’s a thermal clip?
Miranda: What…but they told me you had psychic powers and just knew things without any logical reason as to why you would know them.
Jane: First of all that just a lot of script reading, second, I never read the script, and third, I’ve been dead for long enough that weapon technology has actually regressed so I obviously haven’t had a chance to read the script.
Miranda: (flustered) Well, I …you, argh. Whatever. A thermal clip is basically something you can eject so guns don’t overheat.
Jane: It’s ammo isn’t it.
Miranda: No. Its…Oh fine, its ammo. Don’t blame me, I don’t make up the developers’ lame excuses. Anyway, you need to get to the shuttles, and I need to give you a quick tutorial.
Jane: I think I’m good without a tutorial thanks. I did save the galaxy last time remember.
Miranda: But I had a perfect explanation for our new cover system. I…
(Jane proceeds and shoots up a bunch of random non-geth mechs after finding the utterly regressive thermal clips. Moving forward, she finds an audio log from Wilson, apparently the scientist who resurrected her)
WILSONAUDIOLOG: CAPT.WILLARDFROMAPOCALYPSENOW has been throwing almost unlimited resources into this project. Wish he’d throw a little more my way. I’m the galaxy’s best plastic surgeon for God’s sake. And that Miranda. Wooee. Do you think a girl like her and a guy like me could? Wait, I’m not talking to anyone. Anyway, just thought I’d drop an audio log as a half-hearted attempt to crib Bioshock. Now I gotta go make a phone call about mech hacking. Wilson out.
(Jane fights through easily defeated mechs and walks by an apparently indestructible window where a larger mech menacingly approaches with fire behind while it guns down various security guards in tight t-shirts. Finally she runs into a room where a man in yet another bodysuit shooting at mechs)
Jacob: Shepard! I thought you were still a work in progress.
Jane: I just woke up. What’s going on?!
Jacob: I don’t know either. These mechs are supposed to provide security. They must be malfunctioning.
Jane: Malfunctioning, they just tried to kill us!
Jacob: Yeah, I’ve been wondering about that. We can talk about it later. Anyway, I’m Jacob Taylor, and I’ll be giving you your biotics tutorial.
Jane: Please. God no. I don’t need a tutorial. I played the last game.
Jacob: But, there’s a new mechanic where you can angle the biotics to push or pull enemies in different directions for no reason.
Jane: I’m an infiltrator. I don’t need to worry about that.
Jacob: Well, the tech tutorial coming up is pretty shoddy and offers nothing useful so I guess it doesn’t matter. But you can turn invisible now.
Jane: Cool. Let’s go to the shuttles.
(They shoot up the remaining mechs. Suddenly there is a beep from Jacob’s ear)
Wilson: Check. Check. Anyone still alive out there? No? Good. Now I need to get going…
Jacob: Wilson? This is Jacob. I’m here with Commander Shepard. Just took out a wave of mechs in D wing.
Wilson: Shepard’s alive? But I left the mechs right… never mind. You need to get her to the shuttles. Take her through the service tunnels to the shuttles. The ones flooded with mechs.
Jacob: You ready to get the hell off this station?
Jane: Let’s get out of here!
Jacob: Why are you yelling?
Jane:(Sheepishly) Um. Well, it always looked cool, when John did it, err.
Jacob: Whatever, let’s go.
(They run through the service tunnels, and run into a few mechs)
Jacob: Damn! Wilson, these tunnels are crawling with mechs!
Jane:(Perplexed) Didn’t he say something to that effect?
Wilson: I’m doing my best. Excuse me for not being psychic.
Jane: I think we’re all getting sick of the psychic joke by now.
Wilson: Fine, but…Oh God! They’ve found me! Help!
Jacob: Wilson. Where are you?
Wilson: Server room B! Hurry! They’re out of control!
Jane: I thought we’d already established that the mechs were out of control.
Wilson: Oh shut up and help me! (Obviously cups mouth and makes static noise with mouth) You’re breaking up! (Fake static) Quick they’re(Fake static)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Jacob: Hang on Wilson!
(Jane shakes her head and then follows after Jacob. They run into a room where Wilson is sitting behind cover with a gunshot in his leg. There are no mechs or mech corpses present)
Wilson: Jacob! Shepard! Down here! Bastards got me in the leg!
Jane: We need to get off this station! Jeez, the writers really aren’t trying right now are they?
Wilson: I’m not going anywhere until someone fixes my leg.
Jane: I wasn’t suggesting we leave before that.
Jacob: There should be some medigel in the first aid station on the wall. Should be enough to get him up and moving again.
Jane: (Moving to the wall) Well, given the magical nature of medigel it would be enough to get him up and moving if he’d been blown in half.
(Jane walks to the wall and grabs some medi gel, proceeding to heal Wilson)
Wilson: Thanks Shepard. Guess that makes us even now. I thought I could shut down the security mechs, but whoever did this is extremely cunning, mastermind worthy of praise. They fried the whole system, completely irreversible.
(Jane looks at Wilsons feet and sees a manual labeled “security mech hacking for dummies”.)
Jacob: We didn’t ask you what you were doing. Why do you even have security mech clearance? You were in the bio wing.
Wilson: Weren’t you listening to my carefully prepared speech? I came here to try and fix this. Besides, I was shot. How do you explain that?
Jane: Yeah about that. I assumed we would be rescuing you from mechs that just shot you and would wait to prepare to execute you until we arrived, however long we may have taken. So where are they?
Wilson: Well I uhh, killed them of course. (nervous laughter)
Jane: Where are the bodies?
Wilson: (looking panicked) Uh, No, that’s right, I didn’t kill them, uhh they retreated when they heard you coming. Yeah, that’s it. (wipes sweat off his brow.)
Jacob: We need to find Miranda first, we couldn’t just leave her behind.
Wilson: Forget about Miranda, I had mechs all over D wing, I mean uh, she was there with the mechs. There is no way she survived.
Jacob: A couple of mechs couldn’t drop Miranda, she’s alive.
Wilson: Then where is she, why hasn’t she contacted us. There are only two possible explanations, she’s either dead, or a traitor! There are clearly no other possible explanations that could implicate me in any way.
Jane: No one’s mentioned anything about you being a traitor at this point, despite the obvious context clues left by the devs.
Jacob: This project was Miranda’s baby, she’d never sabotage it.
Jane: OK, that whole statement made the whole thing a lot creepier, thanks.
Wilson: OK, maybe she’s not a traitor, but that doesn’t change the facts. We’re here, she’s not, and I’m totally innocent. We need to save ourselves. The shuttle bay is just a few…
(Wilson is interrupted by some unrelated mechs giving Jane the pathetic tech tutorial by forcing her to overload boxes. The mechs all die and they move on.)
Jacob: OK, we took ‘em down, but this is getting tense. Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?
Wilson: This really isn’t the time Jacob, I have to lead you two into my next trap, I mean, around the next trap.
Jacob: We won’t make it if she’s expecting a shot in the back.
Jane: Good point, but I don’t think any amount of truth-telling is going to remedy that expectation with Wilson behind me.
Wilson: Hey! I totally didn’t hack the mechs because I was unhappy with my pay and had weird feelings of attraction towards Miranda!
Jane: Don’t worry, the devs already threw out your audio logs as a clue, we don’t need you revealing the same info by accident.
Wilson: Damn it!
Jacob: Anyway, back to telling Shepard who we work for. The Lazarus Project(pauses for dramatic effect), was funded and controlled by Cerberus. It’s a pro-human quasi-terrorist group that showed up in a few minor side-quests in the first game and also wiped out your whole team on Akuuz with a thresher maw accident.
Jane: You know, that information actually makes me less inclined to trust you but I’ll take you over Wilson.
Jacob: (Looks perplexed) Was that the neutral response?
Jane: Maybe, I don’t know. But I’m tired of this mission’s Paragon/Renegade dialogue options either being oddly reversed or the same. Time to get off this station before my meters get messed up.
(They fight through some more mechs and reach the shuttle bay doors. Wilson stands in front.)
Wilson: Come on, we’re here. (Doors open, Miranda is on the other side) Miranda! But, my ingenious trap! You’re…
(Miranda shoots Wilson in the face)
Miranda: Dead?
Jane: You know, that line wasn’t half bad. Much better than the ones Wrex or John ever…
(Jane is lost in memories for a moment)
Miranda: I told you, I’m perfect. I did mention that right?
Jacob: What the hell are you doing?!
Miranda: My job. Wilson betrayed us all.
Jane: I want to say I knew he was lying but goddamn Bioware put it in the Renegade slot.
Miranda: Don’t worry about it. It’s called moral ambiguity. Come on, we need to get going. My boss wants to speak with you.
Jane: Who is this boss, anyway? I know you work for Cerberus.
Miranda: Ah, Jacob. I should have known your conscience would get the better of you.
Jacob: Lying to the commander isn’t the way to get her to join our cause.
Miranda: True, but you know how WILLARD likes his expository monologues. Any other pointless questions you want to ask Shepard?
Jane: I’ve had enough of this station to last a life-time.
Miranda: Or two in your case. Come on, we need to get to yet another space station using this shuttle’s highly improbable FTL drive.
(Later, on the shuttle, Jane is being briefed on the events since her death and the circumstances of her revival.)
Jane: Lazarus project? You’ve got to be kidding. Why didn’t you just go all the way and call it the Jesus project? You know, round out the heavy-handed symbolism.
Miranda: Rest assured, I had some perfect names in mind such as…
Jane: Save it. So, how long was I out?
Jacob: Two years.
Jane: Two years?! A plot device that solves countless gameplay and story-telling problems while disguised as a cool, intense opening. Genius.
Miranda: Now, we’ve got to quiz you to make sure your memories are still intact while simultaneously reminding you of some major choices you made in the last game.
Jacob: OK, records show you grew up on Mindoir with your brother John. You’re parents were killed in an attack by slavers, but you and your brother survived to join the Alliance navy. You then lost your entire unit to thresher maws on Akuuz.
Jane: Yes, I lost a lot of good men that day. Thanks to you guys apparently.
(Miranda glares at Jacob)
Jacob: OK, you seem to remember a few token traumatic experiences from your past. Satisfied Miranda?
Miranda: Not yet. Let’s try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren’s cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad members behind to die in the blast.
Jacob: Tali Zorah Nar’Rayya was reported killed in action. Why’d you do it?
Jane: Well, someone had to die in the explosion and I could honestly say she was quite annoying. Enough that she was a risk to my crew. You could feel the moral evaporate when she started talking.
Jacob: Well, I have to report that Tali survived the blast.
Jane: Wha-uh…
Miranda: There are other tests we really should run.
Jacob: Come on Miranda, enough with the quizzes. At least three memories are there and I can vouch for the Commander’s combat abilities personally, despite being reset to level 1.
Miranda: I suppose you’re right.
(The shuttle docks with a new space station. Jane, Miranda and Jacob disembark into some kind of waiting room. Jane then walks downstairs to enter some kind of holographic display. Around her, the crazy space office from the prologue is projected, including the giant, evil looking red star, which now has streaks of blue in it as part of even more symbolism. CAPT.WILLARDFROMAPOCALYPSENOW is sitting in the office drinking and smoking in space casual attire.)
WILLARD: Commander Shepard.
Jane: WILLARD. I thought we’d be meeting face-to-face. By the way, this is one crazy office, how did you get it?
WILLARD: I bought it from John Romero after Ion Storm collapsed.
Jane: Well with that, you must have really blown the bank on resurrecting me. Why’d you do it?
WILLARD: For the defense and preservation of humanity. I didn’t spend two years and billions of credits bringing you back to serve as a common soldier, or to appear on Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, despite its producers harassing me for you to do a return appearance. Humanity is up against the greatest threat of our brief existence, which is why I need one person, reset to Level 1, to stop it.
Jane: The Reapers.
WILLARD: Good to see your memory’s still intact. I noticed that Miranda utterly failed to quiz you on some of the more important decisions you made. Oh well.
Jane: So what’s this all about anyway?
WILLARD: We’re at war. No one wants to admit it but humanity is under attack. While you’ve been sleeping, entire human colonies have been disappearing.
Jane: Let me guess, Reapers. Nothing you say is going to make me trust you.
WILLARD: I’d be disappointed if I could convince you that easily. Mainly because that would indicate that your memory is actually defunct given Cerberus’s role in your traumatic experience on Akuuz. Go see for yourself. A colony called Freedom’s Progress just disappeared.
Jane: Do all the other colonies have such stupidly patriotic names as well?
WILLARD: Pretty much. There’s also Don’t Tread on Me, Liberty or Death, and the Second Amendment Foundation. Most are founded and paid for by either Libertarians or the Tea Party.
Jane: Alright, I guess I might as well get started.
WILLARD: Agreed. And I’ve brought in someone to help you on this mission. Someone you can trust. Probably.
(The transmission is cut off, leaving Jane standing in some empty room. Behind her, she hears a zombie-like moaning and feels a hand grab her shoulder. She wheels about. Terrified)
Jane: Eek! No! Not zombies!
John: Gotcha! (Laughs) High-five, uhh, oh, no one to high-five.
Jane: Johnny! (She hugs him) It’s so good to see you.
John: It’s uh, good to see you too, I guess. Sis.
(The embrace ends)
Jane: Well, how have the last two years treated you?
John: Well, after you died, everything went to hell. The Council started to deny the Reaper threat, Ash broke up with me, Bioware stopped releasing DLC, LOST dove-tailed into time travel, and I got imprisoned for war crimes.
Jane: What? I thought you were acquitted of your war crimes.
John: For the ones on Torfan yeah. Apparently Krogan lobbyists persuaded the Council that my actions on Virmire counted as war crimes.
Jane: Since when did Krogans have any influence with the Council? Or lobbyists for that matter?
John: I don’t know, but it seemed like the Council was just waiting for a chance to send me to prison. Especially Larry, damn Turian.
Jane: Didn’t Anderson step in for your defense?
John: He tried, but the other Councilors just kind of made him sit in a corner.
Jane: Damn. So, how did you get out?
John: Cerberus. They used special nerve gasses that only killed aliens to bust me out. C-Sec called it the worst disaster in the history of the Citadel. Then Cerberus hired me as their chief alien-hate-coordinator. I got Charles Saracino elected into office and organized and ‘Aliens-are-stealing-our-jobs’ advertising campaign. I didn’t really write any of it though, I stole it all from Pressley’s notes when I grabbed his wallet back on the Normandy.
(John doesn’t notice that Jane has started shaking with fury. She punches him hard across the face)
John: Ow! What the hell!
Jane: Damn you! I leave you alone for five minutes and you start spreading genocide and hatred.
John: Hey! It wasn’t five minutes it was two years, what do you expect?
(Miranda runs in)
Miranda: Hey! You can’t just walk in here and punch him. Do you have any idea how important he is to Cerberus? If we don’t reach a certain alien hate quota then we don’t get our annual bonuses.
Jane: Why am I even working with you guys? Miranda: Come on. We should get going. We may have a lot of investigating to do down at the colony.
(All four of them get into the magic shuttle and warp to the colony.)
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jraym16
Serviceman 3rd Class
I have transcended the need of an avatar.
Posts: 24
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Post by jraym16 on Jan 6, 2011 22:07:25 GMT 1
Hey all! I've decided to start releasing these chapters at a lighning pace to make Clint lose his nerve. Nah, just kidding. Or am I? But anyway, here's the second chapter. Peace.
Chapter 2: Colonial Affairs
(Jane, Jacob, Miranda, and John all sit in the shuttle on the way to Freedom’s Progress.)
Miranda: Commander, do you have any orders for when we get down to the colony?
Jane: Our first priority is to search for survivors.
Miranda: Uh, I thought we went over this Commander. No survivors were ever found at any of the other colonies.
Jane: Well, back in my previous missions, enemies seemed fairly incompetent in the area of finding survivors in obvious places.
Miranda: I’m telling you, we’re not going to find anyone. Hell, I’ll even bet you ten credits.
Jane: (Smiling) You’re on.
John: I for one hope there are survivors to push up against walls.
Miranda: (Glares at John) Perhaps, but I’m always right, remember?
Jacob: We’re here. Let’s get going and find some dialogue that the author can effectively parody.
Jane: Agreed. That was a pretty lame scene.
(They get off the shuttle and start walking through the colony. It appears to be completely deserted.)
Jacob: It’s like everybody got up and walked out in the middle of dinner.
Jane: You know, it looks like this might actually be some kind of non-combat mission with some more investigative gameplay. I’m proud of you Bioware, you’ve really matured your game design since the days of…
Miranda: Watch out! Incoming mechs!
(Several security mechs identical to the ones at Lazarus station emerge and attack.)
Jane: Damn you Bioware! Just when I thought…
(No one hears Jane over the sound of John’s assault rifle fire)
John: Looks like these mechs just went, out of commission.
Jane: Not this again. And so much for a non-combat mission.
Jacob: We probably should have taken the fact that our guns were drawn by default at the start as some kind of warning.
Jane: You know, you’re right.
(Jane tries to holster her pistol, but her arm keeps re-drawing it a second later)
Jane: Oh God! What is this? I can’t control my arm!
(Meanwhile Miranda and John shoot the remaining mechs)
Miranda: Impossible! Those mechs should have identified us as human.
Jane: Hey, weren’t those the same kind of mechs from Lazarus Station?
Miranda: (Indignant) Yeah, so?
Jane: So why does Cerberus, one of the most technologically advanced organizations in the galaxy have the same level of security mechs as a third-rate isolationist colony?
Miranda: (Embarrassed) Well, there were better options but there was a super-savings deal on these mechs if we bought them in bulk.
Jane: Anywaaay, if those mechs are on active alert right now, how come they didn’t attack whoever pulled off this abduction?
Miranda: Well, maybe they did. You don’t know that.
Jane: But you guys seemed to indicate earlier that whatever carries out these abductions leaves no sign of battle.
(Miranda appears to ignore Jane’s comments)
Jacob: Look, since we’re actually going to be fighting on this mission, I should probably orient you two on the new way we handle weapon training, which is that we don’t. Everyone is pre-trained in the use of their weapons, but there’s a catch. Each class can only carry certain weapons. For instance, Jane, as an infiltrator you have access to sniper rifles, pistols, and our brand new weapon, the SMG. John, as a Soldier you have a full combat arsenal complete with assault rifles, shotguns, sniper rifles, and pistols.
Jane: Wait, why doesn’t he have an SMG? You did say, ‘full combat arsenal.’
John: Yeah, what gives?
Jacob: Well, err, SMGs were kind of thrown in as a cheap, last-minute solution to serious class-balancing problems, so that non-soldiers would have something to work with weapon wise. Be thankful you’re not a sentinel, they’ve got pistols and SMGs and that is it.
Jane: If this is the case, then why can I still use all manner of grenade and rocket launchers, flamethrowers, and other assorted heavy weapons but not a simple assault rifle?
Jacob: Balancing again. You wouldn’t believe how hard some boss battles can get when sniper rifles are hard to aim, shotguns are out of range, pistols and SMGs do minimal damage, and biotics and tech have no effect whatsoever. Incidentally, enemies now have armor and shields that can magically resist said biotics and tech.
Jane: (Exasperated) Jeez, with this and the inclusion of ammo, we’ve basically lost all the sci-fi-ness we had in the last game. Whose brilliant idea was this?
John: Well, I don’t know about the other stuff, but the ammo thing was mine. See, Wrex and me came up with this really awesome line, but it would only make sense if we had to reload ammo. The line was…
Jane: (Face in hands) Shut up, John, I don’t want to hear it.
Miranda: For the record Commander, trolling does not make good comedy.
(They progress further into the colony, shooting more mechs along the way. In a house, they come across a locked safe)
John: Jane, use your power glove to hack this thing open.
Jacob: Wait, I forgot to mention earlier, hacking doors and boxes has been simplified into a minigame. You no longer need to invest in tech skill to do it.
Jane: But, my omni-tool.
John: Heh heh heh. Where’s your power glove now? Let’s see how high and mighty you feel now that I can do it myself.
(John works at the mini-game for a minute then walks away.)
John: Man, this minigame is hard. Jane, you do it.
(Jane, grinning, walks up and completes the minigame in a few seconds)
Jane: (Sarcastically) Oh yeah, that was a real brain-bender.
John: Shut up.
(They walk along some more and hear voices inside a nearby building)
Jane: What’s that? I hear voices.
John: Maybe someone left the TV on.
Jane: It could be survivors, let’s check it out.
(They enter the building and find a group of Quarians standing there. Everyone pulls out their guns.)
Prazza: Cerberus agents, what are you doing here?
Miranda: We have every right to investigate a human colony. What are ‘you’ doing here?
Jacob: And how did you identify us as Cerberus that fast? I mean, the logos on our uniforms are really small and it’s dark.
Prazza: What, you think these visors are a fashion statement?
Tali: Everyone calm down---wait---Shepard? Prazza, you and your men put your guns away.
Jane: Gah! Of all the people to meet…
John: That’s impossible! You died! I saw it!
Tali: Well, if you’re referring to the nuclear blast, well, I found one of those lead-lined refrigerators from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
John: Damn! Why didn’t I think of that!?
Tali: But, Shepard. You died too right?
Jane: Cerberus brought me back to life Tali.
Prazza: See! They probably put mind-control chips in her brain or something.
Miranda: I lobbied for it but unfortunately it didn’t happen.
Jane: And you people wonder why I don’t trust you.
Miranda: Regardless, how are ‘we’ supposed to trust these Quarians?
Tali: I could say the same of you Cerberus officer.
Jane: Why is there so much hate and distrust here? Was it all because of that awful ‘Aliens-are-stealing-our-jobs’ campaign?
Tali: Partially. But Cerberus also set up a border patrol in Citadel space to stop Quarians on their pilgrimages from entering. The law also allows police to arrest anyone wearing an enviro-suit. The volus were pretty angry about it too.
Jane: OK, that really sucks. But we should try and work together, why are you guys here?
Tali: There was a Quarian on his pilgrimage here named Veetor. He survived whatever happened here, and hacked the security mechs.
Jane: Survivor huh? Told you Miranda, pay up.
Miranda: Damn!
Prazza: Veetor’s suit has been ruptured and he’s got an infection. Probably delirious. Don’t ask me how I know all this without being in close proximity. It’s a kind of reverse voodoo magic.
(Prazza pulls out a doll of a Quarian who indeed has a rupture in his suit)
John: I say we find this Veetor, and show him what happens to people who hack security mechs against us.
Jane: Forget it John, I’m in charge this time. Tali, we have to work together to beat the inexplicable number of mechs in this colony.
Tali: You’re right Shepard. Let’s move out.
(They split up, shooting a few more security mechs along the way. Five seconds later, Tali calls them on the radio.)
Tali: Shepard, bad news! Prazza and everyone else went ahead. They want to get to Veetor first!
Jane: OK, that is a problem but wouldn’t they have to go back through us to get to your ship?
Tali: Actually, yes. But you should get there soon anyway. They fell into a trap with a heavy mech and they’re being cut down.
John: They did commit mutinee. They probably deserve it. Or at least a demotion.
Jane: You know, I find it odd that Prazza is portrayed as such an asshole despite his intentions being to save his friend from likely Cerberus mistreatment.
Jacob: It does seem odd, especially since the developers go out of their way to portray Cerberus as evil.
Miranda: We should keep moving.
(They continue on. Prazza and his men are shot up by a heavy mech. Most of them are killed. Miranda overloads the mech’s shields. Jacob and John use incendiary ammo to burn up it’s armor. It blows up.)
Jane: That was surprisingly easy.
(Tali comes in and begins treating the wounded Quarians)
Tali: Quick, go get Veetor before he sends more mechs after us.
(They enter a nearby building. A Quarian is sitting in front of a wall of very orange looking TVs.)
Veetor: They’re coming after me! I can hear their voices inside my head! Help! Help!
John: Seems more like a paranoid schizophrenic than delirious.
Jane: I guess. Hey, Veetor! Snap out of it!
(Veetor continues muttering and looking at the screens)
John: I’ll shoot the TVs. That’ll get his attention.
Jane: Or we could do this.(Jane uses her omni-tool to turn off the TVs) See, same result, but paragon points and a warm fuzzy feeling inside. You should try it sometime Johnny.
Miranda: Hey, Quarian! Why don’t you tell us what happened here?
Veetor: Cannot escape. They find you, they always find you. Seeker swarms.
Jacob: Why don’t we just go to the camera logs.
(They turn on the camera logs. A bunch of insect-like humanoids are seen stuffing paralyzed humans into pods. The paralysis appears to be caused by large swarms of tiny insects.)
Jane: I knew it. The mechs didn’t defend the colonists at all.
Jacob: Look, on the video. The door to the mech bay was double-parked. The AI wasn’t smart enough to climb over the cars.
Miranda: It’s the Collectors. They’re a hyper-advanced race of unknown origins. They used to be employed by the Citadel taxation service, but left Citadel space after a giant tax fraud scandal. They’ve been collecting various aliens ever since, but never humans, and never in these quantities.
Jane: Jeez, between the keepers and the Collectors, how many mysterious races are entrusted with vital services?
Jacob: Well, most of our surgeons are Borg.
John: This Quarian might know more. We need to take him in for interrogation.
Tali: (Suddenly walks in.) You can’t do that!
Jane: (Jumps) Ah! Tali, you scared me.
Tali: Sorry Shepard. But I can’t let you take Veetor!
Miranda: He has information we need.
Jane: No he doesn’t. What more could he possibly tell us that isn’t in the camera footage?
Miranda: That mistake is so obvious I couldn’t possibly have made it.
(Jane is so confused by this statement that she is dazed for a second and then returns to her senses)
Jane: No way. Tali, take him.
Tali: Thank you Shepard.
Veetor: My loan. I’ve defaulted on my loan! They’re coming!
Jane: Let’s go team.
(Later, Jane is in another holographic meeting with CAPT.WILLARD)
WILLARD: Good work on Freedom’s Progress Shepard. You uncovered the vital evidence we needed to pin these attacks on the Collectors.
Jane: About that, why couldn’t camera footage be found at any of the other colonies?
WILLARD: Several reasons. One time someone taped over the recordings with Desperate Housewives. Another time they were removed in a computer hard-disc cleanup. In one colony, some hoodlums stuck gum to all the cameras beforehand.
Jane: Why are the Collectors doing this?
WILLARD: They’ve been working for the Reapers this whole time, dating back even to when they were tax collectors. Records show that they were siphoning money to a secret Caiman Islands account for use by the Reapers. That’s what Saren was investigating when he was indoctrinated by Sovereign.
Jane: So, let me guess, you want me to stop them?
WILLARD: I’ve contemplated ways to ‘yes’ in the longest way possible to fill out the script, but I can’t quite, so I suppose a simple ‘yes’ will have to do. We’re at war, and humanity needs you Shepard.
Jane: If this is a war, then I’m gonna need an army, or a really good team.
WILLARD: I was hoping you’d say that. I’ve assembled a list of specialists around the galaxy who you should seek out. They’re the best, and you need the best. To find the Collectors, you’ll have to go through the Omega 4 Relay, from which no ship has ever returned. It’s also locked so you’ll need some Collector access codes to get through.
Jane: Cut down one cliché and three more just come right back at you. Wait, if no non-Collector ship can enter, then how can there be ships that have gone through to never return?
WILLARD: Never mind the slight discrepancy. It’s also technically true, since if no ship has entered the relay, then none have returned. It adds to dramatic effect.
Jane: So, about these specialists, I already had a good team when I took down Saren. Why not just reassemble them?
WILLARD: Bioware demands I come up with cheap excuses to explain why they can’t join the party. But I’m Martin Scheene and I don’t feel like it so too bad. Rest assured, they’re unavailable.
Jane: What about Tali? I’m not a huge fan of her, but her presence down there kind of puts a hole in your statement.
WILLARD: For some reason, she’s actually one of the specialists, but you can’t recruit her until the game’s second act. You should go find Mordin Solus on Omega instead. He’s a brilliant Salarian scientist.
Jane: Fine. But I’m sick of this room.
WILLARD: One more thing. I’ve found you a pilot. One you can trust.
(The communication ends. A figure hobbles up behind Shepard.)
Joker: Commander. Good to see you.
Jane: How have you been Joker?
(They start walking back up to the waiting room)
Joker: Good enough, the Alliance fired me for inappropriate conduct after the battle of the Citadel, then Cerberus found me and gave me a job. I’ve been doing pretty much nothing for two years except waiting for you to show up. But check this out.
(They walk up to a window and a huge ship that looks like the Normandy comes into view.)
Jane: Guess we’d better give her a name.
(We see the ship again, only now with NORMANDY on its side. We are all impressed once again. It flies out dramatically and goes to FTL speed with no particular direction in mind.)
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jraym16
Serviceman 3rd Class
I have transcended the need of an avatar.
Posts: 24
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Post by jraym16 on Jan 19, 2011 22:36:53 GMT 1
Hey everybody. That's right, it's another chapter! (Waits for nonexistant applause over the internet.)
Anyway, please go to the thread in the reviews section I should have created by the time you read this and post some criticism. Keep it constructive, and I might not vow revenge on you.
Peace.
Chapter 3: Getting Reacquainted
(Everyone is now on the reborn Normandy. It keeps the layout and aesthetic of the old, but with a fresher, more luxurious look.)
Miranda: I trust that you find the ship to your liking Commander. It was specked to the old Normandy as closely as possible.
Jane: Alright, looks pretty good.
EDI: Greetings, Commander Shepard. I am EDI, the resident probably has-way-too-much-control-over-the-ship-AI.
Jane: Ah! It’s HAL!
John: Kill it with fire!
EDI: If you attempted to do so my fire suppressant systems would come online. That and I might disintegrate you.
Miranda: Don’t worry. EDI’s installed with state-of-the-art software that will prevent her from turning evil like the Clippit fiasco a few years back. EDI will also be taking you on a tour of the new Normandy.
Jane: Well, given the ship’s size, I guess we’d better get started.
EDI: This is the Combat Information Center or CIC, where you can use the galaxy map to navigate the Galaxy. The cockpit is over that way. You also have a personal terminal next to the galaxy map. Behind that is the elevator where you can reach other decks. To your left is the entrance to the tech lab, where you’ll be able to purchase upgrades. It’s currently locked off since no one on board is qualified to use its equipment and as a motivator by the developers to recruit Professor Solus first. To the right is the entrance to the armory where you can choose weapons from a pool of about 2 or 3 choices per weapon type.
Jane: I’m still trying to figure out whether or not this is a good or bad thing.
EDI: Behind here is the comm room, where you can contact WILLARD using quantum leap entanglement generation technology that effectively atom splits atom splitting with…
Jane: Enough of the techno-babble!
EDI: Very well Shepard.
Jacob: Was that the Paragon or Renegade interrupt?
Jane: It was the ‘defense of sanity’ interrupt.
(John, Jane, and Miranda proceed down through the elevator.)
EDI: This is the crew deck, containing crew quarters, the kitchen and mess hall, gunnery station, med bay, life support, bathrooms, AI core, observation decks, and Miranda Lawson’s office.
Jane: That seems like a lot of stuff. Wait, how come so many of these doors are locked?
EDI: The observation decks are being remodeled…
Jane: But the ship is brand new.
EDI: The information you are trying to access is locked…
Jane: Forget it, go on.
EDI: There was an attempted sabotage of Life Support by Officer Wilson, certain crew members used the AI core to pirate music and download pornography. There is also no officer trained to handle the gunnery station.
Jane: So what happens if we get attacked?
(Silence)
Jane: Sorry I asked.
EDI: Let us continue downstairs.
Jane: But there aren’t even any stairs.
(Miranda remains in her office while John and Jane continue downstairs. Out of the elevator they see a large hangar containing the shuttle they used to travel around before. To the left and right there are more locked doors.)
Jane: More locked doors, are you serious EDI?
EDI: These are the cargo bays. As to why they are locked, there were rat infestations in both of them…simultaneously.
Jane: I’m not even going to ask.
EDI: Behind the elevator is the engine room. Below us is a room of random empty space and mood lighting.
John: Sweet. I’ll move my Xbox down there.
EDI: The tour concludes on the top deck, the captain’s quarters.
(They all go upstairs…or upfloors, or something. They enter a room with a nice desk, large bed, bathroom, and fish tank. )
EDI: Welcome Commander Shepard. These will be your quarters for the duration of the mission. On the desk, you have a duplicate of your terminal below where you can check email and view various other things. You also have a fish tank. Cerberus psychologists found that caring for fish reduced the chances of officer suicide by 1%. Now…
John: Hang on a second, where are my quarters?
EDI: The crew quarters are currently full. We’ve arranged for you to sleep in a loft in the ventilation system.
John: What? Can’t I at least have the cargo hold?
(Jane smirks)
EDI: The only alternative is to move bunk beds into these quarters and…
John/Jane: NO!
EDI: Then it’s settled. I recommend you go interview the crew. Goodbye.
Jane: Guess we should do that, but let me check my email first.
(She goes to her personal terminal and takes a look at her email. She sees one from WILLARD, one from Councilor Anderson, and one from ADMIRALBISHOPFROMALIENS.) Jane: What the(She checks BISHOP’s email)
BISHOPEMAIL: Shepard. I heard you were back from the dead so I thought I’d drop you a line for old times sake. Well, actually there’s a job that only you can do…again. You need to go to the old Normandy crash site and set up a memorial. While you’re at it, you should collect the dog tags of the crew. Pressley, RITATHERANDOMNPC, Steve the Eyepatch guy, and the entire engineering crew, minus Adams. You need to find out how he escaped even with the elevator broken. Just to make sure you do this, Alliance lawyers are considering a lawsuit for infringing our copyright on the ship-name Normandy. I’ll make sure the charges are dropped if you do this job. Good luck Shepard. –BISHOP
Jane: You’ve got to be kidding me. How’d he know about the new Normandy, or that I was alive for that matter? Whatever, I’ll just read Anderson’s email.
EDI: Who are you talking to Shepard?
Jane: What? Oh, I must have been speaking my internal monologue aloud, don’t mind me.
AndersonEmail: Shepard. Just got word that you were back from the dead. Swing by my office on the presidium for a cup of coffee sometime. –Anderson
Jane: Does anyone not know I’m alive at this point?
WILLARDEMAIL: Shepard, you’ve probably been getting a bunch of emails from people who know you’re back from the dead. I just thought I should let you know that I had to sell your email info to advertisers to pay for you revival. You’re probably going to start getting a bunch of spam really soon. Either way, I’ve added another name to your dossier list. Zaeed, a deadly mercenary, and the free dlc character you get for buying the game new. Go find him on Omega. –WILLARD
Jane: You know, I should probably check this dossier list.
(She opens up the list on her terminal)
[Mordin Solus. AKA The Professor. Salarian doctor, ex STG. Devloped a special type of coffee to keep prisoners perpetually awake for interrogation purposes. Accident during development caused Mordin’s speech and thought to be accelerated beyond healthy limits. He also never sleeps. Currently operating drive-in plastic surgery clinic on Omega.]
[Arcangel. Identity unknown. Infiltration expert and general badass. Believed to be Turian. Has gotten every crime boss on Omega pissed at him for sleeping with their girlfriends and robbing their casinos with movie stars. Master sharpshooter.]
[Jack. AKA Subject Zero. Former tattoo model who was involved in a high profile celebrity sex scandal. She then went on a killing spree throughout the galaxy. Most powerful known human biotic. Currently incarcerated on Purgatory, a high-security prison ship. Cerberus has arranged for her release.]
[Dr. Okeer. AKA The Warlord. Krogan scientist who worked with the Collectors to stop the unfair taxation on Krogan tea. The Council then framed him for war crimes and he was exiled to Korlus, where he committed actual war crimes. He now searches for a cure to the genophage and war crimes are only a hobby of his. Has extensive knowledge of Collector technology. Currently resides on Korlus in a Blue Suns mercenary compound.]
[Zaeed Massani. AKA The Mercenary. High profile bounty hunter. Former cop, actor, and filmmaker. Was betrayed by his film crew during the production of his last movie. Can be found on Omega.]
Jane: Alright, looks like our typical round-up of psychopaths and murderers. Do we actually have any missions related to the Collectors?
John: No I don’t think so. As long as I get to shoot someone I’m happy.
Jane: Well, these all look like fairly simple extraction missions. Just go in, talk them into joining our little suicide mission, then go. No bloodshed. What could possibly go wrong? Let’s set a course for Omega and interview the crew along the way.
(They go downstairs and into the cockpit to find Joker at the helm.)
Joker: Check this ship out, it’s awesome. We got leather seats, flat screen TVs, flat beds, everything. Heck, there’s gonna be bingo and shuffleboard downstairs later.
John: Bingo!? Sweet!
Jane: Don’t let him in, he cheats.
John: Hey!
EDI: Do not worry Shepard. I have installed stringent anti-cheating software into the Normandy’s bingo system.
Joker: And there’s the downside.
John: What, you cheat at bingo too?
Joker: No, not the bingo, the AI.
EDI: Mr. Moreau is unhappy with my presence, mainly because it involves my enforcing of vital safety procedures.
John: There’s a mute button for reason ‘tool.’ Use it.
Jane: Oh, not the mild swearing again.
(They walk over to the galaxy map to find Yeoman Kelly Chambers waiting there.)
Kelly: Greetings Commanders. I’m Yeoman Kelly Chambers. But you can call me Kelly. (winks)
(John raises his hand to smooth his hair before remembering that he has a crew cut.)
John: And you can call me ‘John.’
Jane: (Ignoring John) So what do you do on the ship Kelly?
Kelly: I act as your personal assistant. I’m also the ship’s psychologist.
Jane: Oh…
Kelly: I specialize in Freudian psychology, if you know what I mean.(She winks at John again, though he clearly does not get the Freud reference.)
John: Oh, yeah, umm, that’s cool.
Kelly: Anyway, I monitor the crew for signs of extreme psychological breakdown. We are on a suicide mission after all. But the most important thing to maintain sanity is trust. I trust you with my life, if I fall…
Jane: I’d catch you.
John: I’d do a little more than that.
Kelly: Ooh, well that’s interesting.(bats eyelashes)
Jane: Wait! You’re a psychologist, is this whole thing some kind of test?
Kelly: I don’t know, what do you want it to be Shepard?
Jane: Ack! It’s Liara all over again. Only with half the character depth.
(Jane and John proceed to the armory to talk to Jacob.)
Jacob: Commanders. I assume you’re here to interview me to find out about my past and the like. Well I hate politics and weird bureaucratic procedures so I’ll save you the trouble. I used to work with the Alliance as part of a special black ops team designed to avoid red tape. There was still too much red tape for me so I quit and joined Cerberus where I had a brief romantic entanglement with Miranda. We still send each other dirty AIM messages sometimes. Are we done here, cause I need to get back to doing nothing with these weapons?
Jane: OK. Oh, by the way, I just wanted to tell you that I trust you Jacob, at least more so than I trust anyone else on the ship.
Jacob: (Lights up) Really!? Well, why didn’t you say so! Now I feel like opening up more, let’s talk!
Jane: Maybe later.
John: For the record, I don’t trust you Jacob.
(John and Jane head downstairs to meet Miranda in her office. She has a large desk with an even larger bed behind it.)
Miranda: Shepard. What can I do for you?
Jane: Just trying to get to know the crew.
John: Get to know ‘very’ well.
Jane: Shut up.
Miranda: Well I am the XO on board the ship. I wanted to be mission leader but WILLARD said you’re better equipped for the job despite my experience and perfect service record.
Jane: Did you ever stop a rogue Spectre from leading a robot invasion of the galaxy?
Miranda: (flustered) Well, uh, no. (Defiant) But I did stop a terrorist attack on the Citadel.
Jane: Really, that’s actually interesting.
Miranda: Yeah, I saved Charles Saracino from an assassination attempt.
Jane: Oh. That guy. I met him once. ‘Cerberus, defending hatred and xenophobia all round the galaxy.’
Miranda: (Ignores last statement) It wasn’t even a proper assassination attempt really, they forgot their thermal clips so they couldn’t even shoot.
Jane: So it was actually John who saved him by reintroducing ammo to the galaxy. Right John?
John: Oh, uh yeah. (Distracted trying to angle around Miranda’s backside)
Miranda: Well, anyway, I was handpicked by WILLARD himself because of my genetic modification. Everything from my biotics to my looks to my British accent is engineered to perfection.
Jane: Then why do you have buck teeth?
Miranda: Never was quite sure about that.
John: I don’t know, from where I’m standing she looks pretty perfect.(He is standing behind her.)
Jane: By the way, what’s with the wet suit?
Miranda: There have been a lot of advances in armor since you went under. Now, you could wear a t-shirt and still be able to fight.
Jane: So why are you engineered Miranda?
Miranda: Why do you change conversation topics so abruptly?
Jane: Sorry, I’m in ‘Investigate’ right now.
Miranda: Hmm. Well, to answer your question, it was my father. He was obsessed with having a dynasty. And with everyone speaking British accents. He said it made us fit to lead.
Jane: That sounds familiar. Like this? (In British accent) You cannot win!
Miranda: With an accent like that, you just might be able to get us through this. Even though I would’ve been better for the job.
Jane: Do you have to incessantly reference the fact that you’re perfect every five seconds?
Miranda: No I’m not Shepard. I’m only human. I make mistakes.
Jane: That was extremely uncharacteristic of your established character Miranda.
Miranda: Impossible. I’m too perfect to leave such an inconsistency.
(Jane is once again dumb-founded by this statement’s confusion.)
Jane: OK, let’s go John.
John: (Still staring) No, wait, five more minutes.
(Jane drags him out and they go to see the cook.)
Gardner: Hey there commanders. Good to see you down here in the mess. Want some Chef’s surprise?
(He holds up an unappealing pot of brownish goo.)
Jane: No thanks. You’re the cook I presume?
Gardner: Yup, and the janitor.
Jane: Wait, the same guy who cooks our food cleans our toilets?
Gardner: Yup. I’m also the exterminator, garbage man, electrician, animal safety coordinator, plumber, carpenter, blacksmith, and rat-catcher aboard the Normandy.
Jane: What are all those other crew members doing then?
Gardner: We have to meet a certain quota of human jobs created for Cerberus. Most of these people don’t know where they are or how they got here. We keep ‘em drugged up for good measure.
Jane: Inhumane forced servitude for no apparent purpose and incredible waste of money? What kind of a ship is Cerberus running here?
Gardner: I know, if they didn’t blow all this money then maybe I could afford the ingredients I need to make proper food. Which, incidentally, is the side-quest I was about to offer you. The original stock of ingredients ran out, making my job as rat-catcher all the more important.
Jane: (Heaving)Oh god. I’ll do the sidequest. I think I’m gonna be sick.
(They rush to the med bay.)
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Shepard, it’s you. Oh, there’s a waste basket over here.
(Jane vomits in the basket.)
Jane: Mom? Oh, Doctor. What are you doing here?
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Well, I quit the Alliance after you died. Most of the crew took it really hard. Adams never forgave himself for what happened to the engineering crew. Never told me how he survived, and I haven’t seen him since. Crazy Eddie the requisitions officer became a crack dealer somewhere. Alenko and Williams stayed with the Alliance. Not sure what happened to the rest of them.
Jane: What about you?
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Well, I was a booze hound for about a year or so, then I ran out of money and lost my medical license. So I followed around this treasure hunter for a while and bossed him around until he died on a desert planet somewhere. Then Cerberus offered me a job. Apparently I’m replacing someone named Wilson.
Jane: Whew, that could’ve been bad.
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: In fact, most of the medical equipment here seems sabotaged, so there’s not much for me to do.
Jane: That’d be Wilson.
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Could you do me a favor Shepard, I had this bottle of Serris Ice Brandy hidden where some vital medical supplies should have been on the old Normandy. Could you get me another one?
Jane: Maybe I should get you some help instead…
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Please! I can stop anytime I want to! I swear!
Jane: OK! I’ll get it.
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Thank you Shepard. By the way, the scans from your reconstruction show some strange effects. The more negative feelings you feel and actions you perform, the more inflamed and glowey your scars get. The more positive, the more they heal.
Jane: (sighs) Bioware, you had a good moral system in place with some nice moral ambiguity. Why must we regress to the days of KOTOR?
John: I don’t know, I think they look pretty cool.
DR.BASTILLA’SMOTHER: Alternatively, you can spend 50,000 platinum to upgrade the medbay and heal them instantly.
Jane: Hold on, let me check…Yep, I have that much from the first game carried over. Not that I need the procedure. Let’s go John.
John: Is there any way I can get those scars put on my face?
Jane: Now!
(They go downstairs to engineering, finding engineers Donnelly and Daniels.)
Daniels: (Thick Scottish accent) Attention. It’s the commanders.
Donnelly: (Quickly X’s out of something on his computer)(Thicker Scottish accent)Commander, what brings you down here?
Jane: Right. (Looks up at the ceiling) Scottish engineers, really? Really? What’s next, a mildly alcoholic doctor? Oh, right. Or an officer who’s a womanizer? (Looks at John) Oh, right. So, what crippling problem with the ship do I have to worry about down here?
Donnelly: Well…
Daniels: Don’t saddle the Commander with our problems.
John: Yeah, don’t do that.
Donnelly: But it’s a vital issue. You see, the designers of the Normandy got a bit sloppy. The couplings don’t work properly and the engines can’t actually turn the ship in less than fifteen minutes.
Jane: (Facepalms) I’ll get the damn couplings. How’s the drive core? Are we in stealth mode?
Daniels: You see, stealth mode was taken out to have a bigger drive core.
Jane: (Exasperated) Why?
Donnelly: No reason. Just looks cooler.
Jane: So they design this ship to replicate the Normandy despite its flaws, but took out the best feature. I’ve got some work to do.
Joker: (Intercom) We’re pulling into Omega Commander.
Jane: Let’s go John. We’re done here.
John: Their accents were pretty funny.
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