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Post by Mister Buch on Jun 28, 2008 15:09:33 GMT 1
This is 'Mock Effect' - my surprisingly popular parody of the first Mass Effect game, written in 2007. Avoid cheap imitations - this is the cheap real thing.
Thanks very much to everyone who helped write it by reviewing and spurring me on. And thanks to Hodster, Dan Parasca and particularly Rascarin for helping get it here, where it belongs. PrologueINT: NORMANDY CREW QUARTERS: DAY: (We see the Earth from space. As the camera pulls back it is revealed that we are looking through a starship window. The camera pulls back further to reveal a beautiful redhead gazing at the planet below. We hear three voices.) AMBASSADOR UDINA: Well, what about Shepard? She grew up in the colonies. CAPTAIN ANDERSON: She knows how tough life can be out there. She was the only one left when slavers attacked Mindoir. ADMIRAL BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS: She saw her whole unit die on Akuze. Fifty marines and only she made it out alive. UDINA: One time she was on The Weakest Link and was in the last three, but lost out because of tactical voting. BISHOP: I saw it. She should have won. ANDERSON: That�s right. So she signed up for that show Survivor, and won that instead. She ate rats and built a log cabin out of bits of soggy driftwood, and won the public�s hearts while all the other contestants went incurably insane. BISHOP: She�s invulnerable. An exemplary soldier and a brilliant engineer. UDINA: An infiltrator, and a survivor, you might say. BISHOP: If you were being poetic, I suppose� ANDERSON: She�s the finest marksman I�ve ever served with. A magnificent diplomat, too, with powerful moral authority. UDINA: Is that the kind of person we want protecting the galaxy? (Pause) ANDERSON: Well� yes. BISHOP: Yeah, it is. UDINA: Fair enough. I�ll make the... BISHOP: Hang on� Captain, do you suppose she�ll bring that brother of hers with her? (On the ship, the female marine is joined by a tall, muscular man with a half-inch of hair and matching stubble. He too looks out of the window.) ANDERSON: Oh� uh� well she takes him everywhere, so� UDINA: Hold on now. Her brother�s a psychopath! ANDERSON: Not a psychopath exactly. More of a jackass. He likes to threaten people a lot and enjoys casual swearing rather too much, but he is a terrific marine. And he gets the job done. BISHOP: That�s true� I suppose. But� UDINA: He got most of his unit killed on Torfan. BISHOP: He demonstrated ruthless efficiency that day by using the other soldiers as human shields and then stealing their wallets. UDINA: Shouldn�t there be a war crimes tribunal or something? ANDERSON: We�re still waiting for it to go to trial. Red tape. BISHOP: Maybe we should send someone else� ANDERSON: He�s� uh, a renegade. A maverick! He�s like Dirty Harry, y�know� UDINA: He�s a madman! ANDERSON: Again, not a madman, just a very arrogant, criminally irresponsible, massively dangerous idiot. BISHOP: I�m bored of this. Let�s go get coffee. UDINA: (sighs) I�ll make the call. (Fade to black. Text begins to appear on the screen. It stays on the screen for eight milliseconds, and nobody at all is able to read it.) In the year 2005, developers from Bioware discovered the remains of an ancient book written to teach a long-forgotten speed-reading technique. In the years that followed, this mysterious artefact revealed startling new abilities, and soon the researchers were able to read the longest passages in mere seconds. Inspired by their new-found skills they began their latest role-playing game with an introductory text scroll that proved unreadable to anyone without the ability to slow time, or the patience to video the text and pause the tape. It went unnoticed until a poorly-written, fourth wall-breaking parody appeared on the internet, and was seen by a few people. They called it a dull, uninspired fanfic. The two or three people who enjoyed it call it� (The text is replaced by an enormous, shiny title.) MOCK EFFECT A parody by Mister Buch ----------------------------------
Chapter 1 � Sibling RivalryEXT: SPACE: DAY: (We see the starship SSV Normandy fly past the planet Jupiter. It looks cool. We are all impressed.) INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY: (Systems Alliance Commander JANE SHEPARD strides purposefully toward the cockpit. She is the tall, attractive redhead we saw in the prologue. She wears a figure-hugging jumpsuit and carries four different guns. She gently moves aside to let CORPORAL JENKINS pass her. A voice is heard over the intercom. It is the Normandy�s Pilot, JOKER.) JOKER: The Arcturus Prime relay is in range. Initiating initiation sequence initiations. EXT: SPACE: DAY: (The Normandy swoops past the planet Pluto. We are still impressed.) INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY: (Systems Alliance Commander JOHN SHEPARD strides angrily across the deck, a few feet behind his sister. He is the handsome, muscular, blue-eyed, stern man from earlier. He too wears four guns and an extremely tight jumpsuit. He scratches himself awkwardly as he marches on, giving a dirty look to navigation officer PRESSLEY, who he believes owes him money. JOKER speaks again over the intercom.) JOKER: Connections connected. Calculating transit mass and body mass index. Relay is hot. Adjusting air-conditioning. Reset thingummy-doodahs to seventeen-thousand killawhatsits. (JANE moves closer to the cockpit, casting a quizzical eye to the intercom speaker above her.) JOKER: Acquiring vector vectoria. Outfits co-ordinated. All stations secured for security purposes. (JOHN enters the cockpit behind JANE. She stands majestically for some reason. JOHN notices a crewman very slightly in his way and grabs him by the lapels. He then hurls the sailor out of the room and into a computer bank. JANE puts a hand on her brother�s shoulder and mouths �calm down�. He spits on the floor and joins her in the macho, military stance she has taken.) EXT: SPACE: DAY: (The Normandy flies toward an enormous structure in space � a Mass Relay. It glows blue at its core. We hear the crew�s voices superimposed on the scene.) JOKER: Spectrum is green. Approaching approachment. Uhm. Locking in� locks� JANE: Joker, have you any idea how to fly this spaceship? JOKER: Actually I�m a brilliant pilot. It�s just that the Captain asked me to make some special technology-sounding announcements over the intercom to impress everybody! JANE: It isn�t working. JOKER: Well I think it�s working just fine. Ahem. (Into intercom) Set seatbelts to fastened position. Preparing jets for turbo systems overload. Actualising self-image. Uh� hitting relay in T-minus three seconds. Two seconds. One second. Hitting relay in T� (The Normandy makes contact with the relay and is flung at impossible speed through space, as if by a slingshot.) JOKER: T is brewed. INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: DAY: (In the cockpit, the SHEPARD twins stand to one side, still trying to look heroic and cool while no-one at all watches them. NIHILUS, a turian Spectre agent, stands above JOKER, who is pressing buttons, still making up tech phrases. LT. KAIDEN ALENKO is in the co-pilot�s seat, pressing buttons, despite the fact that he is not the co-pilot. No-one seems to notice.) JOKER: Thrusters� check. Navigation� check. Internal combustion carburettors� check. Special K supplies� just under fifteen-hundred K. NIHILUS: Very impressive technical readouts, pilot. JOKER shoots JANE a cocky glance. She ignores him. NIHILUS (to JOKER): You�re Seth Green, aren�t you? From Robot Chicken? Robot Chicken is good. The nerds will be pleased. (NIHILUS leaves.) JOKER: I hate that guy. KAIDEN: Nihilus gave you a compliment. So� you hate him. JOKER: Hey, you book the guy who was the romantic interest in Knights of the Old Republic, that�s good. I�ve been in Robot Chicken, Buffy, Austin Powers and Family Guy. So that�s incredible. Besides, Spectres are trouble. Call me paranoid. KAIDEN: You�re paranoid. (He waits for a laugh but doesn�t get one.) KAIDEN: The Council has a right to sent someone to protect their investment. Besides, they told us Nihilus is just here earning some extra money by working in the kitchen. JOKER: Yeah, that�s the official story. (JOHN interrupts and glares at JOKER and KAIDEN.) JOHN: That�s enough! You�re soldiers � act like it! KAIDEN: Sorry, Commander. JOKER: Actually I�m� JOHN: And you! Alenko! You�re not the co-pilot � what the hell are you doing in the co-pilot�s seat, huh? KAIDEN: Uhm� uh� well, sir, I was just adjusting this squeaky chair� uh� (JOHN clearly doesn�t believe him. He is furious. Just then, JANE gently puts a hand on his giant shoulders again.) JANE: John, calm down, for God�s sake! I asked him to fix the squeaky chair, okay? JOHN: Well� alright then� but don�t let me catch you doing that again, mister. (KAIDEN mouths a �thanks� to JANE. She winks.) JANE: He has anger management issues. (CAPTAIN ANDERSON�S voice comes through the intercom.) ANDERSON: Joker, give me some more technobabble, stat. JOKER: What for? Nihilus seemed to believe the first load of nonsense I gave him. I think he�s headed your way, incidentally. ANDERSON (stern): He�s already here. Send Commander Shepard and Commander Shepard up to the comm room. JOHN: Great, Joker. You pissed the Captain off and now we have to pay for it. You wad. JANE: Jeez, would you knock it off with the constant, mild swearing? You�re like a teenager. JOHN: Screw you. Last one to the comm room is a rotten egg! (JOHN runs out of the cockpit, knocking over the crewman he threw into the wall earlier. JANE follows slowly and helps him up.) INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY: JOHN has almost made it to the communications room. He stops when he overhears a conversation between young CORPORAL JENKINS and the ship�s medical officer, DR BASTILLASMOTHER. DR BASTILLASMOTHER: I sincerely hope you�re kidding, Corporal. Your �real action� usually ends up with me covering everybody in medi-gel, the magical healing fluid that instantly cures gunshot wounds. That stuff isn�t cheap, on account of its inherent denial of all known science. And it takes me ages to get the smell of it off my hands. JOHN: Marines are meant to fight, doctor. Your job is just to rub gel into them afterwards. You�re basically a very well-paid masseuse. JENKINS: Wish I�d become a doctor. JOHN: Shut up, Jenkins. Follow my orders, don�t get too many bullets in you and do your goddamn job. JENKINS: Easy for you to say, sir. You proved yourself on Torfan. Everyone knows what you can do, provided there�re lots of other soldiers for you to hide behind. JOHN: This isn�t about your personal glory, you jerk. It�s about my personal glory. Just make sure you�re standing in front of me when they start shooting at us. JENKINS: Sir. DR BASTILLASMOTHER: I�m curious, Commander. What exactly happened at Torfan? JOHN: I had been assigned to kill some batarian slavers in the Skyllian Verge. We ended up fighting guerrillas in a series of tunnels. So I ran out of the tunnels and blew the whole place up. Lost three quarters of the unit, but I took out at least five of those damn batarians. DR BASTILLASMOTHER: Holy� JENKINS: Yeah, but before that the Commander ran out of ammo so he took out a hundred slavers by himself, armed only with some shoes that he stole from his bunkmate! DR BASTILLASMOTHER: Ha! I think you�ve been watching too many spy vids, Jenkins. JOHN: No, it�s true. I was actually the first marine to use that technique. Now both of you are wasting my time. I�ve got a meeting with the Captain. (He sneers and marches past them toward the comm room. A way behind him, JANE is chatting with navigation officer PRESSLEY.) JANE: I heard you arguing. Sounds like you don�t trust our turian guest. PRESSLEY: Sorry, Commander, I was just chatting with Adams down in engineering. But you have to admit, something�s odd about this mission. Why send Captain Anderson and a Spectre � a turian Spectre � on a simple shakedown run? JANE: You have a problem with the Captain? PRESSLEY: No ma�am. He�s one of the most decorated officers in the fleet. If he were to melt down all the medals he�s been given he could make a life-sized statue of himself. I read that somewhere. Or possibly I dreamed it� JANE: What about Nihilus? PRESSLEY: Oh I don�t know how many medals he�s got. Probably enough for a small ornament, but I don�t know that� JANE: No, I meant, what do you know about him? PRESSLEY: Well he�s a Spectre � a special Council agent who doesn�t answer to anyone but them, including the Captain. They operate in secrecy and above the law. They�re always on a mission, and never get sent on simple shakedown runs. JANE: That�s great, thanks. Any other exposition you�d like to crowbar in here while you�re completely destroying everyone�s suspension of disbelief? PRESSLEY (missing the irony): Well, I guess I could explain your personal history. JANE: They already did that in the prologue, thanks. So I�m guessing you don�t trust this Spectre? PRESSLEY: I don�t like turians in general. Never have. It runs in my family. (JANE is wide-eyed, and shocked.) JANE: Oh� uh� PRESSLEY: Damn aliens. My grandfather fought in the First Contact War, so that means it�s okay for me to be massively prejudiced. JANE: Gee, Pressley, I never realised you were a huge racist. PRESSLEY: Fraid so. JANE: Well then� that�s very� interesting. So did you lose your hair naturally, or do you shave your head? PRESSLEY: Ma�am? JANE: Never mind. I, uh, have to� go somewhere else now. (JANE leaves him and heads to the comms room.) INT: COMMS ROOM: DAY: (Inside, JANE finds NIHILUS and JOHN. The Captain has not yet arrived. There is an awkward silence.) NIHILUS: Ah, Commander Shepard. You�re both here. Good. I was hoping we�d have a chance to talk. JANE: What about? JOHN: Yeah, what about, you son of a bitch? JANE: Johnny, please. NIHILUS: I�m interested in this world we�re going to � Eden Prime. I�ve heard it�s quite beautiful? JANE: They say it�s a� JOHN: I�m not some tourist, pal! I don�t care what it looks like! JANE: John, don�t embarrass me in front of the nice Citadel secret agent. NIHILUS: It�s more than just a tourist destination though, isn�t it? It�s a symbol for your people. Proof that humanity can keep safe colonies across the galaxy. But how safe is it really? JOHN: Are you trying to scare me, Spectre? NIHILUS: No. I�m just being dramatic. It�s fun for me. I wanted to be an actor, but my mother insisted I join the army, and then I ended up doing this. (Sighs.) (Captain ANDERSON enters.) ANDERSON: I think it�s time we told the Commanders what�s really going on. JOHN: I don�t like being kept in the dark, Captain! NIHILUS: You are an angry, angry man aren�t you? ANDERSON: John, this information is on a strict need-to-know basis. Some researchers on Eden Prime unearthed a Prothean Beacon. JANE: Prothean, sir? I thought the Protheans� ANDERSON: Do you really want the exposition? I think we can safely assume the audience is familiar with the Protheans. JANE: Sorry, sir. ANDERSON: This is big, Shepards. The last time humanity made a discovery like this, it jumped our technology forward hundreds of years. We need to bring the beacon back to the Citadel. JOHN: Why didn�t we keep the beacon for ourselves? Screw the aliens, we can get an advantage with this. NIHILUS: You humans have a reputation for being selfish, too unpredictable, too independent. Even dangerous. JANE (looks harshly at JOHN): Can�t think why� ANDERSON: Plus we need the other species� scientific expertise. (NIHILUS approaches the Commanders.) NIHILUS: The beacon�s not the only reason I�m here, Shepard. ANDERSON: Nihilus wants to see you in action, Commander. He�s here to evaluate you. The Spectres represent the best of the best. If they accept a human into their ranks, it will show how far the Alliance has come. (JANE smiles.) JANE: I�m honoured, sir. Thank you both. I�m not sure this is exactly the way I�d like my career to turn, but if it�s good for the Alliance then I�ll be happy to sacrifice my ambitions and� ANDERSON: No, Jane, I�m sorry. I was talking to your brother. JOHN: Huh? JANE: What? NIHILUS: I studied the reports from Torfan. A grim business, but you got the job done. That�s why I put your name forward as a candidate for the Spectres. JANE: But� he�s an idiot! ANDERSON: He�s a genius with an assault rifle in his hands. Are you a genius with an assault rifle? JANE: Well� no� I actually don�t have any assault rifle training whatsoever� sir. NIHILUS: Then why do carry one on your back? ANDERSON: That�s Alliance Navy regs, Nihilus. All soldiers carry four different weapons at all times. Basically, a couple of years ago, the Navy ordered way more guns than we needed, and we thought this was the best way to avoid looking foolish. We all look like badass marines, but serviceman back-injury is up by forty percent. JOHN: I don�t like turians making decisions about my future. JANE: You see? You see? He�s a complete tool! He�s incredibly single-minded and obnoxious! NIHILUS: I know. That makes him perfect Spectre material. Almost all Spectres are pompous, self-righteous morons who think they�re a one-man army, and truly believe they deserve the power to operate above the law. Threatening people and blasting them with assault rifles is just our way. John here will fit right in. (NIHILUS puts a friendly arm around JOHN. JOHN brashly removes the arm and sneers at him.) NIHILUS: You see? He�s perfect. (JANE is furious) JANE: Look, he�s my brother and I love him but for Christ�s sake the guy�s awaiting a war crimes tribunal! NIHILUS: Let me put it like this � John, are you fully trained in the use of all four of those weapons hanging from your back? JOHN: Yes I am, so don�t try anything or I�ll murder you in your sleep, you turian bastard. NIHILUS: You�re hired. JANE: Damn it! NIHILUS: As a formality, we�ll go on a few missions together. I need to see your skills for myself. ANDERSON: You�re in charge of the ground team. Nihilus will accompany you to observe you. Secure the beacon and get it back to the Normandy, ASAP. JANE: Sorry to interrupt, but will I be involved in this mission? ANDERSON: Of course, Shepard. You�ll be his right-hand woman. Sort of like a sidekick. JOHN: You got that orange boxing glove thingy, right? You can open locked crates for me and stuff like that. (JANE begins banging her head against a wall. She is interrupted by JOKER�s voice on the intercom.) JOKER: Sir, we just received a transmission from Eden Prime. You�d better see this. (On a large monitor in front of them, a video plays of some Alliance soldiers firing at an off-screen enemy from behind cover. An attractive female soldier in a pink and white combat suit presses her face into the camera.) NIHLUS: Mmn, she�s obviously important. Remember her face. (In the video, an unidentified soldier starts talking to the camera.) SOLDIER (on video): We are taking heavy fire! Repeat � heavy fire! I suppose that�s obvious, really. Okay, I�ll try to be more helpful. To be honest I�ve chosen a bad time to make this video. We�re actually in the middle of a firefight right now. Right, I�ll make this quick� NIHLUS: This man�s a speaking part. He must be an important character too. Keep your eyes on him. (On the video, the speaking soldier�s eyes stop moving. We see he has been shot as he falls away from the camera.) NIHILUS: Never mind. (The video shows a massive spaceship of a curious design. It seems to use finger-like claws to attach itself to land. It pulls the claws away in order to lift off. The remaining soldiers are terrified. One of them has big, cartoon eyes. As the ship drags itself upwards it makes a deep, groaning noise, like a heavy metal being twisted.) JANE: Someone really ought to get some WD40 on that thing�s joints. (The video ends, replaced by white noise.) JOKER: That�s it. The transmission cuts out after that. ANDERSON: Reverse the tape and hold it at thirty-eight point five. JOKER (confused): What are you talking about, sir? There wasn�t a timer on screen. How can you know when the� ANDERSON: I�m wearing a stopwatch, okay? Now just� JANE: Sir, no you aren�t. ANDERSON (weary): I�m sorry. I just made that up to look cool. Pardon me for trying to hold some sort of air of professionalism here. Joker, pause the tape at the part with the giant spaceship. (JOKER does as he�s told. The image of the ship remains on screen. They all look at it for a while. After a few seconds, JANE speaks up.) JANE: Any particular reason we�re looking at this, sir? JOHN: I think it�s pretty. ANDERSON (laboured): I�m just trying to be dramatic, damn you. Forget it then. NIHILUS: I appreciated the drama, Captain. ANDERSON: Thanks, but it�s ruined now. Grab your gear and meet us in the cargo hold. Shepard and Shepard, get Alenko and Jenkins and tell them to suit up. You�re going in. (FADE OUT.) --------------------------
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 1:59:49 GMT 1
Chapter 2 – Beacon and Eggs
INT: LANDING RAMP: DAY:
(On the landing ramp of the Normandy, Captain ANDERSON addresses JOHN, JANE, KAIDEN and JENKINS. They are all now wearing grey wetsuits and motorcycle helmets. NIHILUS peers at their uniforms with a confused look. The Captain shouts to be heard over the wind.)
ANDERSON: All right, marines, you’re the muscle of this operation! I’m very sorry about the wetsuits, but all the real body armour is being dry-cleaned.
KAIDEN: What about survivors, captain?
ANDERSON: That’s what the helmets are for, Lieutenant. Hopefully any survivors you encounter won’t see your face when they’re laughing at your ridiculous outfits. Now remember the beacon is your top priority!
JOKER (via intercom): Approaching drop point zero. Preparing to drop points.
JENKINS: Nihilus, you coming with us?
(NIHILUS fiddles with his gun.)
NIHILUS: I move faster on my own.
(NIHILUS dramatically jumps out of the landing bay. The fall is about ten feet. We hear a muffled cry a few seconds later.)
JANE (under her breath): Yeah, he’ll get killed faster on his own too.
ANDERSON: What’s that, soldier?
JANE: I said we’ve got his back, sir.
ANDERSON: The mission’s yours now, Shepards. But mainly John’s. Good luck!
EXT: BEAUTIFUL MEADOW: DAY:
(The Normandy briefly lands in an open meadow. The human soldiers climb out and it takes off again. A limping figure disappears from view in the distance.)
(The meadow is pretty. What look like blossoms float happily in the air. Though it is only late afternoon, the air is dark and thick with smoke and in the distance there are laser beams flying about.)
KAIDEN: I didn’t think there were laser beams in this universe?
JANE: Me neither… well you live and learn.
(They all aim their weapon of choice and set off walking. Soon they notice some floating, alien creatures grazing.)
KAIDEN: What the hell are those?
JENKINS: Gas-bags. You can shoot them for funnies.
(JOHN shoots a few. They explode with a ‘poof!’ sound. Everyone chuckles. Even JANE cracks a smile.)
JOHN: That was awesome. Is there anything else here that dies in a funny way?
JENKINS: Just the Edenian Water-Filled-Rude-Noise-Making-Bug-Eyed Mammoth, but they live all the way on the other side of the planet, in the mountains.
(They keep walking until JANE spots something in the distance.)
JANE: Stop! Take cover. I think I see some sort of robot scout ahead.
(They observe it.)
JANE: Okay guys, these robot scouts have given us a lot of trouble in the past. Okay here’s what we’ll do. I’ll run in first and try to scatter ’em so we don’t have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. I will use intimidating shout. When my shout’s done I’ll need John to come in and drop his shout too, to keep them scattered. What do you think Kaiden? Can you give me a number crunch real quick?
KAIDEN: Uh… yeah gimme a sec… I’m coming up with thirty-two point three three… repeating of course… percentage of survival. Then I…
JENKINS: Alright, time’s up. Let’s do this!
(JENKINS runs into the path of the robot scout ahead, gun blazing.)
JENKINS (screams): RICHAAAAAARD JEEEEEEEEENKIIIIIIINS!
(Pause.)
JANE: Oh my God, he just ran in.
(They all run in after him. JENKINS quickly dies, and the other three shoot down the robots. When the threat is gone they approach his body.)
JANE: God-damn it Richard! We’ll see that he receives the proper service once the mission is complete, and maybe even his own trading card.
JOHN: I guess there is something else from this planet that dies in a funny way.
(They resume their leisurely jog through the meadow, occasionally pausing to shoot at more robotic drones. Eventually they come to a clearing. Here we see the female soldier who appeared in the ominous video earlier. She is wearing bright white and pink armour. JOHN and JANE watch as she performs some acrobatic stunts and shoots a robotic drone. JOHN forgets himself and quietly applauds for a moment.)
(Next we see two humanoid robots forcing a protesting man onto a large, mechanical spike. In an instant he is impaled, and the robots turn their heads to notice the soldier. A firefight begins. JOHN leaps in and saves the day, blasting the bipedal synthetics apart. The soldier approaches him, looking tired.)
ASHLEY: Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the Two-Twelve. You the one in charge here, sir?
JOHN: Why yes, Pink Ranger. Yes I am. (He grins at JANE. She rolls her eyes.) These are my sidekicks - Jane and, uh… I think his name is Pedro. I need a status report, now.
ASHLEY: Oh man… my unit was attacked and these things cut off our communication. I’ve been fighting for my life ever since. I think they’re geth.
KAIDEN: The geth haven’t been seen in nearly two-hundred years. Why are they here now?
JOHN: Shut up, Paco.
JANE (angry): His name is Carth.
KAIDEN: For the last time, no it isn’t! It’s Kaiden! Why does everyone call me Carth?!
(There is a silence. Jane looks sheepish.)
JANE: It’s just that you… sound just like a guy I used to know… never mind.
JOHN: Quiet, lackeys! Let’s go find the beacon. Williams, you’re coming with us.
ASHLEY: Aye aye, sir.
(They all head off.)
EXT: DIG SITE: DAY:
(They reach the dig site. There is a Prothean dais, but nothing resembling a beacon.)
ASHLEY: The beacon was right here – it must have been moved!
KAIDEN: By who? Our side or the geth?
ASHLEY: Well, ‘our side’ consists of the four of us. So I’m guessing the geth.
(There are some more of the tall, mechanical spikes near them. On top of them, the bodies of colonists have been converted into robotic, borg-like zombies.)
JANE: Wow… how could being impaled by a spike actually transform someone into a robot…?
JOHN: The mysteries of science…
JANE: Yeah, science. The same kind of science that gives us unlimited ammunition, instantly curing gel and faster-than-light telephone calls.
(They dispatch the robot zombies and move on.)
EXT: SPACEPORT ENTRANCE: DAY:
(NIHILUS has found something. He has made it to the exterior or the spaceport and is hiding behind a wall. Across the way is another Turian, SAREN ARTERIUS. He is clearly evil. He has greyish skin with eyes and gums coloured the same electric blue that covered the zombie husks like veins. He is also big, and has an evil smile.)
(NIHILUS jumps out from his hiding place, ready to shoot. He lowers his weapon as he recognises his quarry.)
NIHILUS: Saren?
(SAREN jumps around in surprise.)
SAREN (deep, semi-British evil voice): Aaaagh! Oh, Nihilus. Sorry, old friend. You know I have a pathological fear of zebras.
NIHILUS: I know. Sorry. So, you’re looking and sounding extremely evil these days.
SAREN: Thank you.
NIHILUS: But this isn’t your mission. What are you doing here?
SAREN walks past him with a gentle tap on the shoulder. NIHILUS faces away and looks scared.
NIHILUS: I wasn’t expecting to find the geth here. Also, I came here with a team of humans and yet I completely lost them. And I think I broke my ankle. So far I’ve handled this mission extremely poorly.
SAREN (extra-evil): Don’t worry…
(SAREN draws a small pistol and begins thumbing a small wheel on its handle. The camera zooms in to show us that he is quickly turning the ‘volume’ wheel of his gun downwards.)
SAREN (positively fiendish): I’ve got it all under control.
(SAREN raises his silenced pistol to the back of NIHILUS’ head.)
EXT: GRASSY PATH: DAY:
(The Shepards and their right-hand men are still jogging toward Nihilus’ position. They are hundreds of feet away. Suddenly they hear…)
(BANG! The loudest gunshot effect in the history of sound effects is heard. The ground shakes with it.)
EXT: A MOUNTAINTOP: DAY:
(On a mountain on the other side of the planet, the gunshot is heard again, slightly quieter. An Edenian Water-Filled-Rude-Noise-Making-Bug-Eyed Mammoth leaps into the air in surprise, and explodes, making a hilarious rude noise.)
EXT: FOREST ON EARTH: DAY:
(On the distant planet Earth, some birds nest happily in an Austrian woodland. Suddenly we hear SAREN’s gunshot again. Out here it is quieter, but loud enough to send the birds flying away in a panic.)
EXT: SPACEPORT ENTRANCE: DAY:
(NIHILUS’ body lies on the ground, its eyes wide and its ears bleeding. SAREN is shaking from left to right, stunned and temporarily deafened. He slowly regains his hearing as an annoyed-looking GETH trooper emerges from his hiding place. This is SAREN’S aide.)
GETH AIDE: What was that? I thought you said you were going to silence your gun!
SAREN: Damn you and damn these geth weapons! You told me to turn the volume wheel downwards to silence it!
GETH AIDE: No, you idiot! Turn it down to raise the volume, and turn it upwards to silence it!
SAREN: How the hell was I supposed to…?! I mean that doesn’t even make sense!
(The GETH folds his arms.)
GETH AIDE: Standard geth design. All our stuff has an inverted Y axis.
SAREN: What?! Oh, never mind. Let’s get out of here.
EXT: SPACEPORT ENTRANCE: DAY:
A little while later, our heroes have found SAREN’s position, by following the ringing in their ears. They are arguing.
JOHN: That’s insubordination, soldier!
KAIDEN: I’m sorry, Commander. I meant no disrespect. It’s just that I didn’t see any reason why you had to punch him out!
JOHN: Damnit, Pepé, he was talking crazy! I don’t trust crazy scientists! It was only a matter of time before he did something dangerous…
KAIDEN: Dangerous? Sir, we’re an elite team of space adventurers with four guns each! He was a skinny, unarmed scientist! What possible danger could…
JOHN: Listen, soldier! I just really like punching people out, okay? Consider yourself lucky I stopped with him!
JANE: Let it go, Carth. I’ve got him in therapy. At the moment he’s down to roughly two random punches a week and only three instances of pushing people against walls, pointing his pistol at their heads and mildly swearing at them.
JOHN: It’s really hard. So many people out there are just asking to be either pushed against walls and swore at, or else punched out.
KAIDEN: Sorry, Commander.
JOHN: Sometimes both!
(Suddenly we see and hear a loud spaceship – the same one from the distress message they Normandy received earlier – taking off. Again we hear the tortured, twisting sound of metal, but after SAREN’s gunshot it seems quite meek.)
(They rush down to the scene but arrive after the massive ship has flown away. They do, however, find NIHILUS’ body. JANE kneels down beside it.)
ASHLEY: A turian? You know him?
KAIDEN: He’s a Spectre. He was with us on the Norm…
(ASHLEY hears something and raises the alarm. Everyone aims their guns. A terrified, shabby-looking man emerges from behind some crates.)
POWELL: Please! Don’t hurt me! I… I’m human! I… uh… what’s with the wetsuits?
JOHN: Shut up! We’re a team of professional surfers on a tour of non-coastal colonies. Jumping out at us like that almost got you killed! And making fun of my top-of-the-line sporting apparatus got you even closer to death!
POWELL: I’m sorry. I uh, I saw what happened to that turian. The other one – the really evil one – shot him.
JANE: Another turian?
POWELL: Yes… your friend called him Saren. I think they knew each other.
JANE: Because they knew each other’s names? Good sleuthing there.
POWELL: He shot him right in the back.
JANE: The hole’s in his head.
POWELL: All right – the back of the head then! Jeez! Give me a break – I was watching this from between two crates. They… killed everyone. If I hadn’t been behind the crates I’d be dead too.
JANE: About that – how come you had time to make it to the crates?
POWELL: I was already behind the crates. Look, sometimes I need a nap to get through my shift. I sneak off and…
ASHLEY: You survived because you’re lazy?
JOHN: You ditch work, then you cower back here and do nothing while the geth butcher everyone else!
POWELL: I…
(JOHN pushes POWELL against the wall and points his pistol at his head.)
JANE: Damn. Fourth time this week. At least he isn’t mildly swearing at him…
JOHN: Now I’m gonna ask you this once, douche! Do you have anything here that might help us? Huh? Huh, ass-munch?
KAIDEN: He’s… he’s like a teenager.
POWELL: I found some grenades. Here – they’re yours.
(He hands them a belt of grenades. JOHN straps it on himself.)
POWELL: Take the cargo train. I’ve got to get away from all this.
(POWELL leaves in a random direction, aiming only to be away from JOHN. The marines make for the cargo train in the distance.)
KAIDEN: I can’t believe you nearly killed that guy just because he took a nap at work! I mean, c’mon! Haven’t you ever done that?
JOHN: No, Lieutenant, and you’d better pray I never find you asleep on duty!
JANE: You were asleep at the Captain’s address this morning. You were asleep yesterday afternoon when we were being fired on by pirates!
JOHN: I was resting my eyes, flunky. Go open a box for me.
JANE: I…!
JOHN: Go open that box over there. It’s a medical kit. Probably got a really hard decryption on it.
(JANE opens the medical kit by lifting up the fabric lid. She hands the contents to her brother.)
JANE: It’s a tube of savlon.
JOHN: Good work. This will probably turn out to be important later.
KAIDEN: What? How?
ASHLEY: Give the guy a break, will ya? The Commander knows what he’s talking about. I bet that savlon really does help us out later.
(For the briefest of moments, ASHLEY looks at him with wide, smiling eyes.)
JANE: Oy.
EXT: SPACEPORT: DAY:
SAREN has made it to the Spaceport. Again he speaks with his GETH aide, who carries an explosive device.
SAREN: Set the charges. Destroy the spaceport. Leave no evidence we were here.
(There is a long silence.)
GETH AIDE: What?
SAREN: You have your orders.
GETH AIDE: Yes, but… they seem to be self-contradictory. I mean – you want me to destroy the spaceport, while simultaneously leaving no evidence of our presence.
SAREN: Yes…
GETH AIDE: Seems to me like destroying a spaceport would indicate that someone was here. And we also left giant, smoking craters wherever Sovereign landed.
SAREN: I meant leave no evidence that we, specifically, were here.
GETH AIDE: As I already told you, several of our units have reported fighting with a group of human Alliance marines and failed to report back. I think when the Alliance starts rounding up survivors and asking them what happened during our extremely subtle infiltration here… and then they start tripping over geth bodies to get to them… they’ll figure it out.
SAREN: I meant…
GETH AIDE: And when they notice that somebody has destroyed a spaceport… well it seems to me that they’ll take that as the final shred of evidence they need.
SAREN:...
GETH AIDE: Because, you know, there’s nothing here in the spaceport linking us to the attack. We left all of that behind at the dig site, along with several huts and shacks we didn’t bother to search for witnesses. On your orders.
(Pause.)
GETH AIDE: Just wanted to clear that stuff up.
SAREN: I hate you.
(He leaves. SAREN strides, woefully, to the beacon. It is a tall, thin machine, which emits a spire of green light. As he gets close, he is lifted into the air. He strikes an evil pose and mediates in an evil fashion.)
(His AIDE reappears.)
GETH AIDE: So… are you going to be doing that for long? Because the bombs have a five minute fuse and we already set them.
(SAREN’s body is lowered down to the ground. He leaves the beacon behind him as he heads for his spaceship.)
SAREN: I hate you so very much.
(A few second after they have left the scene, the Normandy party arrives on a cargo tram. In an instant, KAIDEN spots the large, unhidden bomb in front of them.)
KAIDEN: Demolition charges! We have to find them all and diffuse them!
JANE crouches by it, activates her omni-tool and begins tinkering.
JANE: Well this is just great. Five bombs with a five-minute fuse. And for the record, not one member of our team here has any bomb-disposal training whatso… oh wait… there’s an ‘off’ switch. There.
(She stands up.)
ASHLEY: That was lucky.
JOHN: Let’s go find the other four. You work your crazy power-glove magic on them, and I’ll keep you covered by constantly mowing down the geth on the other side of the bridge.
JANE: Stop calling it a goddamn power-glove.
ASHLEY: Hey, when you think about it… you two make a pretty neat team!
BOTH SHEPARDS: No, we don’t.
KAIDEN: They really don’t.
(As JOHN and ASHLEY remove the geth snipers, JANE ‘disarms’ the remaining charges. Feeling left out, KAIDEN cheers her on. Eventually the job is done and they see the beacon. It is guarded by a number of geth troops and husks, who are quickly removed by JANE’s sniper rifle and JOHN’s newly-acquired grenade belt. They approach the beacon.)
ASHLEY: It wasn’t doing anything like that when they dug it up.
KAIDEN: Something must have activated it.
(He steps closer to inspect it. JOHN is busy making a phone call to the Normandy to explain the situation. JANE is eviscerating him with a look, which he doesn’t notice.)
JOHN (into phone): Well, sir, the mission was pretty much a failure. Jenkins died instantly in what I suspect was an in-joke by the developers. That was probably Jane’s fault. She didn’t even get her power-glove out. The invasion was by a group of geth apparently led by someone named Saren, who escaped us. I’m going to blame that on Jane too. We did manage to save the spaceport here… and we do have the beacon.
(Suddenly KAIDEN is dragged close to the beacon by an unseen force. He clutches his head, apparently suffering pain and still edging closer to the beacon. In a flash, JANE runs up and hurls him out of the way. KAIDEN rolls to the floor and is caught by ASHLEY.)
(JANE rises into the air like SAREN had earlier, and winces in pain. Soon the beacon explodes, and JANE’s unconscious body is hurled to the ground.)
JOHN (into phone): We have now destroyed the beacon. This time is really was Jane’s fault.
(He puts down his phone and inspects Jane.)
JOHN: Hmm. She’s in shock, and she has minor cuts on her face. Williams, hand me that savlon.
ASHLEY: Yes sir!
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:03:24 GMT 1
Chapter 3 – Many Meetings
INT: NORMANDY MEDICAL BAY: DAY:
(The next morning, JANE, lying in a bed in the medical bay, begins to stir. KAIDEN is watching over her.)
KAIDEN: Doctor? I think she’s waking up.
(DR BASTILLASMOTHER approaches the bed and leans over JANE.)
DR BASTILLASMOTHER: You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?
(JANE opens her eyes.)
JANE: No… no mom… I… I don’t want dad to go treasure hunting. Too dangerous. Krayt dragons…
DR BASTILLASMOTHER: Commander?
JANE: Huh? Where am… oh. Doctor Bastillasmother. I think I was having some sort of flashback.
KAIDEN: It’s good to see you up instead of thrashing about in your sleep. You must have been having one hell of a nightmare.
JANE: Right. I remember you. The one from the escape pod.
KAIDEN: Escape pod? That smack to your head did more damage than I thought.
(JANE blinks a few times, surveys her surroundings, and laughs quietly to herself for a moment.)
JANE: Okay. I’m all right now. What happened?
KAIDEN: It’s my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way.
JANE: I suppose it is your fault. But that voice of yours makes me laugh so damn much I just can’t be mad at you.
(KAIDEN smiles, but seems confused.)
JANE: You can make it up to me if you just shout ‘down you go!’ one time for me.
KAIDEN: Uh… okay… down you go?
JANE: Heh heh... ah, good times.
KAIDEN: You got it.
JANE: So, what’s the damage, doctor?
DR BASTILLASMOTHER: Physically you’re fine. But you keep making these references that the reader is probably getting tired of now. I also noticed some abnormal beta waves, which is something I just made up, and increased rapid eye movement – signs typically associated with intense dreaming.
JANE: I was dreaming. I saw Revan and Malak…
DR BASTILLASMOTHER: Stop it.
JANE: Oh all right. This scene is just too familiar. Ahem. I saw… I’m not sure really. Death, destruction… there was a lot of orange. It was like H.R. Giger was trying to use up all his leftover orange paint.
(Captain ANDERSON enters. They all stand to attention.)
ANDERSON: I won’t lie to you. Things look bad. Nihilus is dead, the beacon was destroyed and the geth are invading. The Council will want answers.
(JOHN enters.)
JOHN: The Council can kiss my ass!
(JOHN leaves.)
ANDERSON: Quite. I’ll stand behind you and your report. You did nothing wrong, but then again, you didn’t do much right either. I’m worried about Saren, that other Spectre. He’s dangerous if he’s gone rogue, and he hates humans. I don’t know why he wants the beacon or why he’s allied with the geth. Did you see anything that might tell us what Saren was after?
JANE: I had some sort of vision. Synthetics killing people. Butchering them. Throwing oranges at them.
ANDERSON: Saren’s dangerous. He has the secrets from the beacon and an army of geth. This was an act of war. It’s up to me, you and your brother to stop him.
JANE: But… we’re Alliance military, not carefree private detectives! Can we just take a few weeks off to investigate this? Don’t we have orders?
ANDERSON: We have orders to save three more colonies from attacks by batarian slavers, but I’ve got a better idea. Let’s have the entire crew take a week of sick-days and bring down Saren in our spare time!
JANE: Uh, okay… I am a little sick I guess.
ANDERSON: That’s all the excuse I need! I’ll speak with the ambassador and see if he can get us an audience with the Council.
INT: COCKPIT: DAY:
JANE enters the cockpit to find KAIDEN, JOHN and ASHLEY talking to JOKER. We see the Citadel - a giant, utopian space station - out of the windows. Then the asari ship Ascension drifts into view. It is a giant, utopian spaceship.
KAIDEN: The Destiny Ascension, girliest-named ship in the Citadel fleet.
ASHLEY: Look at that monster! Its main gun could rip through anything in the Alliance fleet!
KAIDEN: Good thing it’s on our side then. It is on our side, after all. For now.
JANE: Yes, we get it. Foreshadowing.
KAIDEN: I’m just saying, it’s very important and it’s called the Destiny Ascension. You know, in an emergency, I expect the Council members would evacuate onboard the Ascension. The Destiny Ascension.
(JOHN quietly cracks KAIDEN over the back of the head with his rifle. JANE pretends not to have noticed.)
EXT: NEBULA AROUND THE CITADEL: DAY:
(The Normandy flies through a beautiful purple nebula and eventually comes to rest in a shiny Alliance dock.)
INT: HUMAN EMBASSY: DAY:
The Captain and his crew wait patiently while AMBASSADOR UDINA yells at a hologram of the COUNCIL MEMBERS – they are LARRY (an angry turian) CURLY (a put-upon asari who secretly loves being in charge of the other two) and MOE (a salarian who seems to have nothing to say.)
UDINA: This is an outrage! I demand action!
LARRY: You don’t get to make demands of the council!
CURLY (weary) Boys, boys! Ambassador, there is basically nothing we could do, even if we liked you, which we don’t.
UDINA: Well then, why are we having this conversation at all?
CURLY: To establish our characters, which I think is now done. Good day.
(The hologram deactivates.)
UDINA (to ANDERSON): I see you’ve brought a team of attractive, mixed-gender, brightly-dressed motorcycle enthusiasts with you.
ANDERSON: This is the ground team from Eden Prime. The uniforms are a little colourful, yes. But at least we finally got that medium armour back from the cleaners. Their previous suits were a little bit revealing. I have no idea why they’re wearing their helmets indoors though.
(JANE takes a small chocolate from a neatly stacked pyramid and pops it into her mouth.)
JANE: Mmm! Ambassador, with these chocolates you are really spoiling us!
UDINA: That joke was funny the first three hundred times I heard it. I suppose it’s my own fault for always having a pyramid of the things arranged on my desk… but I just love them!
ANDERSON: Sounds like the Council are willing to listen to us.
UDINA: It does? What the hell conversation were you listening to? Oh well, they have at least given us a five-minute slot. What with them being a Galaxy-wide government consisting only of three people, you can understand they’re busy. But they don’t like the idea of Saren being accused of treason.
JOHN: I’m not just gonna sit on my ass because the Council refuses to do anything. If they’re not going to do anything, I will!
UDINA: Settle down, Shepard. You’ve already made more than enough mild swears and silly threats. The mission on Eden Prime was a chance to show that humans can get things done. Instead, Nihilus ended up dead and the beacon was destroyed.
ANDERSON: That’s Saren’s fault, not his!
ASHLEY: And Kaiden’s.
JOHN: And Jane’s.
(JANE has no given up complaining. She happily eats another chocolate.)
UDINA: I’m going to the Citadel Tower to practice my bureaucratic frowning and rule-adherence skills. Shepard, you and your men can meet us at the top level. I’ll make sure you have clearance to get in. They might not let you in with helmets on.
(They remove their helmets as their superiors leave.)
JOHN: All right, men. Let’s move. I’d like to visit one of the many weapon shops dotted around the streets before we head out. And also the strip-club and the bizarre psychic-counselling-brothel.
ASHLEY: The Embassies are actually in a pretty bad neighbourhood, huh?
KAIDEN: I hope after the hearing we can check out the curiously tame dance club with the god-awful-single-song-sample-playing-over-and-over-again-until-you-leave. We could have fun playing extremely low-stakes one-armed bandits, then go to the malt shop!
(ASHLEY winces. JOHN is confused. JANE cannot hold back a sweet smile.)
KAIDEN: Or maybe we could all look at the romantic view of the nebula.
ASHLEY: Yeah, okay.
JOHN: What’s a nebula? Sounds dirty.
(KAIDEN shyly smiles at JANE, her mouth still full. She swallows quickly.)
JANE: Excellenté!
INT: COUNCIL LOBBY OF MOOD LIGHTING: DAY:
(A few hours have passed while the party were exploring the Presidium. It is afternoon in the Council Chamber, but the lights are all turned down very low. Perhaps the Council members are hungover. There is an elaborate foyer area with an attractive fountain. There are a number of people milling around and chatting and generally wasting time. There are also quite a few ‘keepers’ around. These are large, green, sentient arachnid-like creatures. JANE notices one as it creeps up behind her.)
JANE: Aaagh! Kinrath! Get it, Carth!
(The keeper looks confused, then walks past serenely.)
KAIDEN: I still don’t get this joke, Commander, but you’re definitely overusing it.
JANE: Just old memories. Sorry everyone. But what are these creatures?
(No sooner has she finished speaking than a holoprojecter on the ground next to her chimes and spring to life. They are greeted by the flickering, blue image of a large paperclip with cartoon eyes. It speaks with a pleasant, calm voice.)
CLIPPIT: Hello! I am Clippit, the Citadel Intelligence People Personality Interface Teminal!
JANE (mumbles): Damn Microsoft got into the Citadel…
CLIPPIT: It looks like you’re inquiring about the keepers! Would you like me to fax your query to Canada?
JANE: No.
CLIPPIT: Would you like to send an email? Your MS Omni-Tool Pal software is unregistered. Would you like to register now?
JANE: Damnit! No, Clippit, I just asked my companions here about the keepers.
CLIPPIT: Little is known about these peaceful servants of the Citadel, but they work for free so the Council leaves them the hell alone. They are essential to the operation and maintenance of the station.
ASHLEY: So the asari, turian and salarian authorities here don’t know how to maintain the station themselves?
CLIPPIT: Indeed. Citadel station is believed to have been built by the Prothean species millennia ago. Thus, all the plug sockets are weird shapes and our vacuum cleaner technology has yet to provide adequate adapters. The keepers, with their superior technological skill, are able to overcome these issues.
JANE: Where do they live, these keepers? Can they… does the Council communicate with them?
CLIPPIT: No, little is known about them. It is assumed that they are a remnant from the Prothean era. The keepers clean and repair the machinery of the Citadel, particularly in the Citadel Tower which houses the primary control systems including life-support and navigation…
JANE: The life-support systems are inaccessible to everyone but a small group of people whose motives are unknowable and who never communicate with other species?
CLIPPIT: That is correct.
ASHLEY: Wow. Everyone be nice to the keepers, alright?
JANE: This Council is starting to worry me. Clippit, tell me more about the system of government here at the Citadel.
CLIPPIT: Originally, the Council consisted of representatives of the asari and salarian races, as they were the first two species to discover the station. Later, turians settled here and were granted a seat on the Council in recognition of their military efforts in the Krogan Rebellions.
JANE: That’s it? Three people? That’s your galactic government?
CLIPPIT: Consideration has been given to giving a seat to the volus, but they have creepy voices, and nobody knows why they wear gas-masks all the time.
KAIDEN: That’s certainly fair enough, but what about the elcor?
JANE: What about the krogan? The quarians? The hanar?
CLIPPIT: Each species considered important enough to have a voice in intergalactic policy is granted an embassy, but not a council seat. A certain amount of military might is required for this position.
JANE: Important enough? Military requirements? (She gulps.) So, are the Councillors democratically elected, maybe?
CLIPPIT: No.
JANE: Okay then. We’ll be off. Things to do. Uh… hail Ming.
(They leave the terminal, which deactivates. At the steps of the Council Chamber they find Captain ANDERSON.)
ANDERSON: The hearing’s already started. Come on.
JOHN: Sorry, sir. We were delayed running personal errands for an asari prostitute. Also, I totally nailed her.
ANDERSON: Uh-huh. Please don’t mention that during the hearing.
(They follow ANDERSON up the stairs.)
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER: DAY:
(The Council chamber is a small area at the top of the stairs where the Councillors stand arranged like benevolent gods, separated from the crowds by a gap in the floor. The marines approach them all and wonder if they are supposed to bow to the strange dictators, who do not welcome them. Ambassador UDINA stops talking and there is an uncomfortable pause.)
JANE: Hi. I’m Jane Shepard and I am the American Inventor!
(The pause grows more uncomfortable.)
JANE (sullen): Nobody gets my jokes.
CURLY: The geth attack is a matter of some concern, but there is no evidence to indicate that Saren was involved in any way. Incidentally, I have asked Saren to be here today via hologram to speak with us, direct from his giant spaceship. Due to his extreme evil nature, he has been granted a giant red hologram, rather than the traditional small blue one.
(SAREN appears in a hologram. It is giant and red. His arms are folded.)
SAREN: Bwa ha ha ha!
UDINA: Saren is clearly evil, and we have an eyewitness!
MOE: We’ve read the Eden Prime reports, Ambassador, and because we’re idiotic despots we’ll be flatly ignoring the eyewitness testimony.
SAREN: Captain Anderson! You always seem to be involved when humanity makes false charges against me.
ANDERSON (sheepish): Yes, that’s true. I have been abiding by the restraining order.
SAREN: And this must be your protégé – Commander Shepard.
JOHN: Hi.
SAREN: And his other, lesser protégé – the one who let the beacon get destroyed.
JANE: You’re the one who destroyed the beacon, Saren! And then you tried to cover it…
JOHN: Actually Jane, let’s be fair. You destroyed it.
ASHLEY: Yeah, that’s true.
ANDERSON: As I read the report, yes. Jane destroyed it.
JANE: This hearing isn’t going well at all.
SAREN: Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard. This case is nonsense, but what can you expect… from a human?
JOHN: You can expect me to kill you the next time we meet!
JANE: Not going well at all.
ANDERSON: But wait, there’s more! Jane here had a scary dream – and saw killer robots and orange landscapes! I believe it to be black magic of some sort.
JANE: Next time we speak with the Council, I want my own lawyer.
CURLY: Is there anything else you wish to add, Commander Shepard?
JOHN: I have nothing to say. You’ve obviously made your decision. I’m wasting my breath speaking with you.
CURLY: We hear that all the time. This meeting is adjourned.
(JOHN walks away, followed by the others, except UDINA, who looks extremely frustrated. Eventually, he joins them.)
UDINA: Well that was great. Well done, everyone. Nothing helps me more than having my witnesses spouting obscure references, death threats and personal insults to the Council. Great work.
JOHN: You can count on us, Ambassador.
UDINA: Just next time, how about you let me get a word in edgeways?
ANDERSON: That scene wasn’t dramatic enough. Listen to this – I know Saren, and he is clearly out to destroy all of humanity! Every world we control, every colony is in danger! Even Earth isn’t safe!
JOHN: Sounds exciting. Tell me more about this history between you and Saren.
(Relishing his dramatic moment, the Captain paces back and forth and rubs his hands together.)
ANDERSON: I worked with him on a mission a long time ago. Things went bad. Real bad.
(He stops, as if remembering something.)
ANDERSON: But we shouldn’t talk about this here. All you have to know is that Saren has to be stopped, and that the thrill-a-minute spin-off novel Mass Effect: Revelation is available now, at a low price from all good bookshops.
JOHN: Gee, it sounds great! I can’t wait to read all about your adventures!
JANE: You can read?
UDINA: It’s up to you two to find information against Saren. Conveniently I have two leads. You can look up a C-Sec agent named Garrus Vakarian or talk to an agent of the Shadow Broker, a mysterious underground information-dealer.
JOHN: This looks like a good opportunity to split up. I’ll push this mysterious agent guy against a wall, point a gun at him and mildly swear at him. Jane, you and Carlos can talk to the cop.
ANDERSON: I think it will be best for you two to spend some time apart. I can’t help you with this any more, because of my personal history with Saren which is novelised in the critically-acclaimed paperback I mentioned earlier. Good luck. Oh, and remember…
(ANDERSON places a reassuring hand on JOHN and JANE’s shoulders.)
ANDERSON: All good bookshops.
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:08:58 GMT 1
Chapter 4 – Citadel Slickers
INT: COUNCIL LOBBY OF MOOD LIGHTING: NIGHT:
(It is now whatever time crosses the exact link between day and night. It is early evening, I suppose. Yes, that sounds better.)
(It is early evening. The Normandy’s team have watched Captain ANDERSON leave and returned to the ‘Chillout Zone’ beneath the Council Chamber. They notice a salarian man fiddling about near the floor next to a keeper. He mumbles to himself much too loudly.)
CHORBAN: Hmm… not much data yet…. Why don’t those people move instead of just standing there?
(Several people notice him as they pass but decide to ignore him. The Shepards are oblivious.)
CHORBAN (louder): Gee, I hope those Alliance soldiers don’t bother me while I’m illegally scanning the keepers!
ASHLEY: Hey, look at that guy.
KAIDEN: What guy?
ASHLEY: The one over by the keeper.
JANE: He’s not my type.
ASHLEY: No, I mean look what he’s doing.
JANE: Oh. Right. Well, Williams, he appears to be sending a text message and mumbling next to that keeper’s foot.
(ASHLEY presses forward and coughs loudly.)
CHORBAN: What? Oh, no I wasn’t… (He stands up and switches off his omni tool.) Uhm… I was just tying this fellow’s shoelace for him! Isn’t that right?
(He glances pleadingly at the keeper, who stares back, confused.)
ASHLEY (angry): I know what I saw.
CHORBAN: I…
JANE: Williams, relax. You saw him using an omni-tool near the floor. Maybe he has an up-skirt website or something.
(JOHN cocks his rifle and aims at CHORBAN.)
JOHN: Clearly he’s up to something. Maybe he’s involved in Saren’s evil scheme! Let’s kneecap him.
CHORBAN: No! I’m using a small scanner on the keepers. I find it difficult to get near the creatures.
(JOHN lowers the gun.)
CHORBAN: You see, technically we’re not supposed to disturb the keepers. I might get arrested.
JOHN (deflated): Uh-huh.
CHORBAN: Say, perhaps you can help. I’ll give you this scanner. You can scan the keepers for me, provided you’re brave enough to risk the small possibility of a police caution!
JOHN: And the reward?
CHORBAN: I’ll give you four-and-a-quarter credits for each unique scan.
(There is a long pause.)
JANE: That’s the stupidest quest I’ve ever been offered! And I’ve played a pazaak game against a squeaky-voiced wombat.
(JOHN punches the salarian out and nobody complains. They leave.)
INT: LIFT: NIGHT:
(The group have taken a lift to the wards. They all wait patiently for an eternity. We watch them twiddling their thumbs and humming. Suddenly, a PA system begins a news announcement.)
PA SYSTEM: In today’s news, videogames designer Bioware has announced plans to disguise loading times in its new series of games. During loading intervals, players will listen to elevator music and watch their characters literally kicking their heels rather than the traditional method of displaying a loading bar and hints. Bioware claim this will not be at all annoying. Also, players will have to listen to the same audio announcements over and over again.
(The announcement finishes and the doors open. They all sigh with relief as they exit the lift.)
EXT: WARDS: NIGHT:
(They arrive at one of the wards to see a beautiful starfield behind glass. There are people of all sorts standing around and numerous paths before them. JANE wanders off for a moment and finds a blond-haired man in a very tight t-shirt waving at her.)
JANE: Be right back, folks.
(JANE approaches the man.)
CONRAD: Oh wow… it’s you!
JANE: Hello.
CONRAD: You’re a friend of Commander Shepard – the hero of Eden Prime! I am so honoured to meet you!
JANE: Hey, thanks. So what exciting adventure can I depart upon in your name?
CONRAD: My name’s Conrad Verner. I was hoping that you could give me an autograph?
JANE: Oh… yeah, okay. And then you’ll get to the interesting, dangerous job you want me to do, right?
CONRAD: Uh, no I just want an autograph.
JANE: Nothing else?
CONRAD: Maybe you could even let me take a picture of you later!
JANE: Yes, how thrilling for us both. The side-quests on the Citadel are kind of boring, huh?
(She signs the autograph and returns to the group. They have moved on the edge of the platform and are admiring the romantic view.)
KAIDEN: Big place!
JANE: How can they keep track of everyone here?
ASHLEY: This makes Jump Zero look like a port-a-john.
JANE: Look at all these people. No wonder the council is careful with new races.
JOHN: No wonder they treat us like crap. Probably take us for another bunch of FNG’s. We oughtta kick their asses.
ASHLEY: Or maybe they just don’t like humans.
JANE: What’s not to like? We’ve got a history of superstitious self-persecution, civil wars, regular wars, the slow destruction of our own planet, and now a war against the turians.
KAIDEN (laughs): When you put it that way, there’s no reason they wouldn’t like a beautiful woman like you… I mean… us! Beautiful women like us! Humans. Uhh… humans are sexy. (He adjusts his collar.)
ASHLEY: You’ve never actually met a girl before, have you LT?
JANE: S’alright. Luckily I like fumbling, unbelievably naive guys. But if our pick-up lines are going to be of that quality I think we should wait until we’re off-duty.
ASHLEY: I’ll walk drag, ma’am.
JOHN: No need, Chief. Sleeping with the asari consort has put me in a good mood.
(He smiles at ASHLEY. It is time for him to use his smoothest moves to win her over over.)
JOHN: Nice ass, Williams.
(ASHLEY blushes.)
ASHLEY (under her breath): He’s so sweet!
JANE: This might be a good time to split up.
JOHN: Good idea! C’mon Ashley, we’re going back to my quarters.
JANE: I mean split up to investigate Saren.
JOHN: Oh yeah. Let’s see… I’ll take the hot girl. You can have Danny Zuko over there.
JANE: Deal. See you back at the Ambassador’s office.
(JOHN and ASHLEY head off to find their contact with the Shadow Broker. They sigh as they get back in the lift. JANE and KAIDEN head to Chora’s Den, looking for their contact.)
INT: CHORA’S DEN: NIGHT:
(The bar is actually a sleazy strip club. The dancers are either asari or human. Looking for HARKIN, their contact, the soldiers see two krogans arguing.)
WREX: This is Fist’s only chance.
BOUNCER: Fist’s not coming out, Wrex. End of story.
WREX: This story is just beginning. (He shakes his head in shame.) Wow… I’m sorry, that’s the worst line I ever used. I mean normally my dramatic lines are okay, but… God… I’m sorry. Okay I’ll back down.
(He shakes his head in shame as he turns, only to find JANE and KAIDEN in his way.)
WREX: Out of my way humans, I have no decent dialogue for today.
(He leaves quickly.)
KAIDEN: What was that about?
JANE: All I heard was that a fist isn’t coming out of somewhere. I think I know too much already.
(They approach a guy, alone at a table. This is HARKIN. He is doing his best ‘drunk’ acting.)
HARKIN: Arrgh… gimme another beer, barman! I need to establish my name and my drunkenness! (Sees JANE.) Oh… so, what can old Harkin the drunk do for you, sweetheart?
KAIDEN: This drunk man must be Harkin.
JANE: Yeah, I get it. Don’t call me sweetheart.
HARKIN: Suit yourself, Princess. You know if more marines looked like you, I’d have a good segue into mentioning that I’m from C-Sec. I’m a drunk, too. Name’s Harkin.
JANE: Enough already! I have one question, and then I’m out of here. Do you know where Garrus Vakarian is?
HARKIN: Inexplicably I do. He’s in the medical facility. Say… you must be one of Captain Anderson’s crew! I know that because I have psychic powers, honeybun.
JANE: Stop calling me stupid names! I have no dialogue option to win the argument!
HARKIN: What’s up, love-chunks?
JANE: Holy hell. Are you written by Frank Miller?
HARKIN (wounded by the suggestion): No! I’m not that terrible! Anyway, did the Captain let you know about his big secret? The one that’s told in fascinating detail in the spin-off novel Mass Effect: Revelation?
JANE: Oh, I see. Not Frank Miller, then – Drew Karpyshyn. C’mon Carth.
(They leave him there, slurring his speech and waving a bottle around.)
INT: BARLA VON’S OFFICE: NIGHT:
(JOHN and ASHLEY walk into the office of BARLA VON, a volus accountant with underground connections. His office is large and covered in bare metal, but completely empty aside from a computer bank, three computers, a long desk and a paperweight.)
BARLA VON (breathy): Welcome Earth-clan. I would offer you a seat, but nobody ever got around to designing the interior of this room. How can I help you?
ASHLEY: You can start by not calling us Earth-clan.
BARLA VON: Ah pardon me. This is easily done, for you are a very famous member of your species. You are the one called Shepard, yes?
JOHN: You’ve got me at a disadvantage here.
BARLA VON: Forgive me Earth-clan. My name is Barla Von, and my business makes it necessary to notice when someone such as yourself arrives on the station.
JOHN: I heard you work for the Shadow Boxer. What the hell does that mean?
BARLA VON: You are very blunt, Shepard. But you are correct. I do work for the Shadow Broker, and I do have information about Saren. I will give it you for free.
(JOHN pushes BARLA VON against a wall and points a pistol at his head.)
JOHN: The hell you are, volus! You’re going to charge me for it, right now!
BARLA VON: I think you misunderstand me, Earth…
JOHN: A hundred credits! Charge me a hundred credits!
BARLA VON: Threats don’t work on me…
JOHN: Two hundred!
BARLA VON: All right! Give me two hundred credits and I will tell you everything.
(JOHN smiles, relaxes his grip and replaces his pistol.)
JOHN: That’s more like it.
BARLA VON: The Shadow Broker has been betrayed by a crime boss named Fist.
JOHN: His name is 'Fist'? Really?
BARLA VON: Enough jokes have already been made, Earth-clan. Suffice to say the Shadow Broker knows them all. Fist is working with Saren, and so my employer has hired a krogan mercenary to take him down. You will find him in the C-Sec headquarters, of all places.
JOHN: Good. (He hands him a two hundred-credit note from his wallet.) Let’s go pay this krogan a visit, Ash.
(The marines leave. BARLA VON stares at the note in wonder.)
BARLA VON: Two hundred credits, goodness! Now I can buy a chair! And maybe even a plug socket for these computers!
INT: C-SEC HQ: NIGHT:
(The offices of Citadel Security are electric blue. WREX, the burly, wise-cracking krogan we saw in CHORA’S DEN, is surrounded by armed C-Sec officers, who are apparently trying to intimidate him rather than arrest him. One of them, OFFICER BOB, tries to scare him. He has a very non-scary voice and a name badge that reads ‘Hi! My name is Bob!’)
OFFICER BOB: Witnesses saw you threatening to start a fight in Fist’s bar, Wrex. Also you’re famously a mercenary. Despite the masses of evidence we have, we aren’t going to arrest you. So this is your only warning.
WREX: You should warn Fist. I will kill him.
OFFICER BOB: Don’t make me arrest you, Wrex! I’m on lunch break right now. Do you want me to sink to your level of awful, threatening lines?
WREX: I want you to try.
(There is an uncomfortable pause.)
OFFICER BOB: Jeez, that was terrible. Let’s get out of here. I knew your lines were bad, Wrex, but I didn’t think you were ‘I want you to try’ bad.
(The officers leave WREX, a known killer who just threatened to murder a gang leader, alone with his weapons in the C-Sec headquarters.)
JOHN: Hey, you there.
WREX: Do I know you, human?
JOHN: I like your awful attempted threats. I do that too. Do you ever mix them up with high-school swearing?
WREX: I have been known. Commander Shepard, right? I’ve heard a lot about you. We’re both warriors, so I’ll show you respect. And my people have a saying – seek the enemy of your enemy and you will find a friend.
JOHN: I like your brand of meaningless action-movie clichés, Wrex. I think we’re gonna get along just fine.
(The men shake hands.)
WREX: Now let’s go. I hate to keep Fist waiting.
JOHN: Fantastic! Where do you get all these?
(They leave, chatting and discussing their favourite moments from Die Hard.)
INT: MEDICAL CLINIC: NIGHT:
(JANE and KAIDEN open the door to the ‘Medical Clinic’ only to find that it is nothing but a small room with five beds, a first aid kit and a single doctor. They are unable to ponder the name, though, because the doctor is being held at gunpoint and GARRUS VAKARIAN, a turian C-Sec officer with a futuristic eyepatch, is sneaking up behind them. The SCARY THUG holding the doctor does not notice GARRUS, but sees JANE enter.)
SCARY THUG: Alright then. You keep your mouth shut, or… who are you?
JANE: Let her go.
SCARY THUG: Weren’t you listening? I was about to let her go.
JANE: Oh. Carry on, then.
SCARY THUG: As I was saying…
(At this moment GARRUS leaps out from behind a desk, cartwheels and shoots the THUG through the head with one eye closed.)
DR MICHELLE: Aaagh! The hell was that?
(JANE and KAIDEN help GARRUS shoot the rest of the thugs.)
JANE: What did you do that for? Didn’t you hear what he said?
GARRUS: No, I’m sorry, I was figuring out my acrobatics. What did he say?
JANE: He said he had no intention of killing her.
GARRUS: Oh dear.
JANE: Yes.
DR MICHELLE: It’s all right. Thank you both. But seriously, you could easily have hit my head by mistake.
GARRUS: Okay. Yes, that was unbelievably stupid. I’ve apologised already.
DR MICHELLE: Those men work for Fist.
JANE: They work for what?
GARRUS: Please, no more ‘Fist’ jokes. We are all sick of them now. The man’s name is Fist. He’s a crime boss.
JANE: Oh I see... thank you for stopping me.
DR MICHELLE: Those men were asking about the quarian. A young quarian woman who wanted to sell some information to the Shadow Broker. Fist’s men are after her now.
JANE: I’m confused, but I get that we need to speak to Fist. Did this quarian mention Saren or the geth?
DR MICHELLE: She did. She said her information concerned the geth.
GARRUS: This is why Saren wants her. There’s no way the Council can ignore this!
JANE: Don’t get your hopes up. As long as they have fingers to put in their ears, there’s a way. Time we paid Fist a visit. Are you coming along?
GARRUS: Well, technically I should report to my superiors now that I’ve killed four suspects. But I guess that can wait. We’ll leave the bodies here.
JANE: O…kay then. Goodbye Doctor.
(They leave DR MICHELLE amongst the evidence.)
EXT: WARDS: NIGHT:
(Back in the Central street in the Wards, JANE hears someone calling her.)
EMILY: Commander Shepard? Excuse me, Commander Shepard!
(JANE goes over to meet EMILY WONG. She is an attractive young news reporter.)
JANE: What do you need?
EMILY: My name is Emily Wong. I’m an investigative journalist working on the Citadel, and I’m looking into organised crime. I was hoping you might share anything you find in your own investigation.
JANE: How did you know I was investigating organised crime?
EMILY: Well there were gunshots after you went into the Med Clinic. And then raised voices about Fist and Saren and a quarian. That’s how I knew.
JANE: Okay, fair enough. This sounds like an exciting, action packed side quest! It’s about time. I’ll be happy to oblige, Miss Wong. Where do I go and what do I fight?
EMILY: Actually I was hoping that you would just pick up a copy of Fist’s files while you’re in his office.
JANE: Oh… well, do I have to hack into his secret computer, or find his secret office?
EMILY: No, just pick up the files. They’ll be on a disk.
JANE: In a locked desk?
EMILY (shakes head): Should be on the floor.
JANE (sighs): Fine. I’ll pick it up, but Miss Wong, tell me, are there any exciting quests on this station at all?
EMILY: Hmm… well, did you meet the asari consort?
JANE: Yeah.
EMILY: Then no.
(JANE nods. She, GARRUS and KAIDEN head for a lift. Elevator music begins and they all settle themselves in for the ride.)
EXT: OUTSIDE CHORA’S DEN: NIGHT:
(JANE and her team are poised outside Chora’s Den, guns ready and leaning back against the walls. JANE nods quickly and KAIDEN opens the door. They leap in to find…
A large amount of bodies and smoke. At the far end of the room, JOHN and WREX offer cool-guy quips to the bodies. ASHLEY watches happily.)
WREX (to a corpse): I think you’ve had enough, pal.
JOHN: Good one, Wrex. Looks like happy hour is over.
(JANE and party announce themselves and approach.)
JANE: I see you shot up the entire bar, Johnny. How did your detective work go?
JOHN: Not bad, sis. I made a friend, pushed a guy against a wall…
JANE: Of course.
JOHN: …and now we’re gonna meet someone whose name is ‘Fist’! That’s got to be funny – my guess is he has a giant fist.
JANE: We’re looking for him too. Let’s go.
(They find a corridor leading to FIST’s office. Two WAREHOUSE WORKERS holding pistols jump up at them.)
WAREHOUSE WORKER: Stop right there! Stay back or we’ll shoot!
WREX: Warehouse workers. All the real guards must be dead.
JOHN: That’s right. It’s time for you guys to clock out. Because you’re fired.
JANE: Guys, shut up. (To the WAREHOUSE WORKERS) Okay, there’s six of us and two of you. We have electric shielding and you have t-shirts. Stand down.
WAREHOUSE WORKER: Actually, that makes sense. We’ll just leave.
GARRUS: I’d have never thought of that. Was that your ‘charm’ skill or your ‘intimidate’?
JANE: It was my ‘basic understanding of logic’ skill.
(The WAREHOUSE WORKERS leave in a hurry. The team continue on to find FIST protected by two automated turrets, which they destroy easily. FIST is an average-looking man with ordinary-looking hands. I guess we will never know the secret of his nickname. He cowers on the floor.)
FIST: Don’t kill me! I surrender!
(In the blink of an eye, JOHN has a gun aimed at his head. For once, JANE does too.)
JANE: Where’s the quarian?
JOHN: And also – what’s a quarian?
JANE: We’ll fill you in later. Where is she?
JOHN: So it’s a person…
FIST: I don’t know where she is, I swear!
ASHLEY, KAIDEN, GARRUS and WREX: He’s lying.
JOHN: Ashley, put a round in his legs.
FIST: Wait – I know where you can find her! I told her I’d set a meeting up with the Shadow Broker. But when she shows up, it’ll be Saren’s men waiting for her. She’s meeting them in a back alley a few yards from the bar, in five minutes.
JANE: Sounds like we’ll have plenty of time. But what about you? Garrus, I think you ought to stay behind and arrest this guy.
GARRUS: He’s harmless now. Let’s leave him.
JANE: What?! He’s a hugely influential crime boss working with Saren! He’ll just set up his operations somewhere else!
GARRUS: True enough, but it’s my afternoon off. I really don’t want the paperwork.
(WREX shoots FIST dead.)
GARRUS: Hey!
JANE: What the hell was that?
WREX: I just terminated his operations here.
JOHN: That’s right. Fist has been disarmed.
JANE: Those lines are the worst yet. Garrus, how about arresting Wrex here? You just saw him murder a military prisoner.
GARRUS: Afternoon off.
JANE: Well I must say, the professionalism of C-Sec is less than I expected.
JOHN: Now c’mon! We’ve only got four minutes to make a two-minute journey! Let’s go!
(Exciting chase music starts. They all run out of the office.)
(A minute later, JANE runs back in and picks up a data disk from the floor. She sighs and checks her watch, then strolls calmly out again.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:10:20 GMT 1
Chapter 5 – Citadel Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly’s Council
INT: BACK ALLEY: NIGHT:
(Due to their amazing speed and dedication, JOHN and the team have made the epic journey from the bar to the alley behind the bar before their time ran out. JANE appears a few seconds later. They see the young quarian, TALI, surrounded by shady types. There are two… I’m guessing salarians, in pink armour, and a turian man, whose face is melting.)
TURIAN: Did you bring it?
TALI: Where’s the Shadow Broker? Where’s Fist? What happened to your face?
(The TURIAN begins feeling her up, believing this will help his bargaining position. She slaps his hand away.)
TALI: The deal’s off. Luckily for me I’m apparently Lara Croft.
(The quarian deftly throws a grenade and somersaults backward, pulling out two pistols and quickly killing the presumably-salarians before she lands. Then JOHN sends a burst from his rifle through the turian’s chest. He falls and TALI turns to see them.)
TALI: Fist set me up! I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to a meeting alone in a dark alley with several dangerous gangsters!
JANE: Yeah, that’s a rookie mistake. Were you hurt?
TALI: No, didn’t you see me doing all that cool jumping and grenade-throwing? I’m surprisingly a skilled gunfighter. Who are you?
JANE: Alliance. My name’s Shepard, and… so is his. We’re trying to bring down Saren.
JOHN: Hand over the evidence you have, quarian. Don’t make me push you against a wall.
WREX: You might hit a… dead end… against the wall… that is… uh…
JANE: I’m sorry about those two. The stupid-looking one is my brother John. He’s a little overzealous. And the other guy is… actually I have no idea who he is or why he’s here. I think he’s a screenwriter for Michael Bay or something.
WREX: Name’s Wrex. Illegal mercenary. Hanging out with John.
JANE: Fantastic.
TALI: I’m Tali’Zorah nar Rayya. If you’re after Saren, I have a chance to repay you. Let’s go to your safehouse. I’ll tell you fascinating stories about my people’s culture on the way.
JANE: Sure. That could be interesting, I guess.
(They start walking.)
TALI: Did you know that my people have strict laws against too many or too few children being born in any one year? The migrant fleet is only so big, and sometimes the Conclave must take measures…
ASHLEY: Excuse me. Is any of this relevant to our mission?
TALI: No, it’s not relevant to anything, come to think of it. I just like talking about my people. Let me tell you about the noise our drive cores make.
ASHLEY: Please, don’t.
TALI: It’s like, ‘Nrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn!’
ASHLEY: Shut up, shut up, shut up!
INT: AMBASSADOR’S OFFICE: DAY:
(It is morning in the Ambassador’s office. The Shepards and friends stumble wearily into the Ambassador’s office. On the Normandy they have spent the night resting up and listening to TALI’s stories. She is still talking.)
TALI: And then the T-16 models are deeper, like, ‘Nhooooooooooooorn!’
ASHLEY: For the love of God!
JANE: Tali, let me stop you there.
TALI: But I have so many fascinating details to impart!
JANE: I have a quarian culture-related question, if that will shut you up for a second?
TALI: Oh, please, ask away!
JANE: Why do you wear that breath-mask all the time? Is it so that you can keep talking while you’re inhaling?
TALI: No, but I can tell you the deep, historical and ceremonial significance. It all started when…
JOHN: Shut the hell up, Telly!
TALI: It’s Tali. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya. No-one can ever remember my name because it’s so needlessly complicated. You know, our naming rituals are especially interesting. We are named firstly for our ship, and secondly for…
JOHN: Gaaah!
(JOHN smashes his fist into the wall, denting it. It succeeds in shutting TALI up for a few seconds. The Ambassador enters with Captain ANDERSON behind.)
UDINA: You’re not making my life easy, Shepards. Wait… why are all your eyes glazed over? Why are you all leaning on the walls?
JANE: Long night, sir.
UDINA: And who’s this? A quarian?
JOHN: Shut up and we’ll tell you, you pen-pushing jerk! This quarian has some evidence against Saren.
UDINA: I… apologise, Commander. Maybe you’d better start at the beginning, Miss…?
(JANE shakes her head at the Ambassador, eyes wide, but it is too late.)
TALI: Well my earliest memory is…
JOHN: Her name’s Tali. Tali… Savalas, I think.
GARRUS: That’s not right, it’s Tali-Zorro…
KAIDEN: Tali Co’linan Ryan.
JANE: We’ll go with Tali.
(UDINA seems confused. He returns his stern, rule-adhering look to TALI.)
UDINA: And how did you come by this evidence? Why did you leave the flotilla?
(JANE’s shoulders drop and the others roll their eyes or turn away. TALI makes a dramatic step to the side as she begins her saga.)
TALI: I was on my Pilgrimage – my rite of passage into adulthood. It is a tradition among my people. When we reach maturity, we leave the ships of our parents and our people behind.
UDINA: I see. Now about…
TALI: Alone we search the stars, only returning to the flotilla once we have discovered something of value. In this way we prove ourselves worthy of adulthood.
UDINA: Understood. It’s an alien Bar Mitzvah. Now…
TALI: It could be resources like food or fuel, or some kind of technology, or even knowledge that will make life easier on the flotilla. Through our pilgrimage we prove that we will be…
UDINA: Be quiet! We all get it!
TALI: But I have not yet reached the middle of my ‘pilgrimage’ speech.
JANE: Does it have any relevance to our quest?
TALI: It is vaguely relevant to a side quest later on…
JOHN: Yeah, we’re not gonna be doing that.
TALI: Oh. Well then, about this evidence I have. During my travels I began hearing reports of geth. One day as I had breakfast I heard something on a hidden frequency that made me curious. That morning I had cheerios. I remember wondering if the milk was off, or if I was simply…
UDINA: Short version, please.
TALI: Well as it turned out, the milk was fine. But the cereal itself…
(JOHN has had enough. He pushes his face very close to hers.)
JOHN: Shorter version.
TALI (quickly): I killed a geth and removed its memory core. I’ll play the only recording I could get.
(JOHN backs down. TALI presses a button on her omni-tool and everyone sighs in relief. Then we hear Saren’s voice, a little tinny, followed by that of Marina Sirtis of all people.)
SAREN (recorded): Eden Prime was a major victory in my evil scheme! The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the conduit!
MARINA SIRTIS (recorded): And one step closer to the return of the Reapers! Today Eden Prime…
SAREN (recorded): And tomorrow – the world! Ha ha ha ha!
MARINA SIRTIS (recorded): Here you are, sir – your false moustache. I thought you might like to twirl it.
SAREN (recorded): Ha ha! Thank you. Now let’s go back to Eden Prime, where we had all the evil fun, and tie someone to the railway tracks!
(The recording stops.)
ANDERSON: That’s Saren’s voice!
JOHN: All right! I’m totally a detective.
JANE: Wait… I feel like I’ve heard that name, ‘Reapers’ before.
ASHLEY: We all have, ma’am. It’s a large part of Judeo-Christian culture. Grim Reaper. Don’t Fear The Reaper. Ringing any bells?
JANE: Yeah, but I think I’ve heard it recently.
TALI: According to the databanks, the Reapers were a race of hyper-advanced machines that…
UDINA: You’re giving me a headache, Talia!
TALI: But this is actually relevant!
JOHN: To the main quest?
TALI: To the main quest’s back-story.
JOHN: I swear to God…
JANE: The vision on Eden Prime… I understand it now. I saw the Protheans being wiped out by the Reapers…
UDINA: The Council is just going to love this.
ANDERSON: Nonetheless we have to tell them.
JOHN: Then let’s go. Jane, this might be a good time to ditch your indescribably dull, multi-racial entourage.
JANE: You can talk! Why exactly do we need a hired killer in on a top-secret Alliance investigation? I’m still in favour of arresting him, by the way.
JOHN: We need him because I’ve never found such a kindred spirit, that’s why! Also because I promised we’d watch a Lethal Weapon marathon together.
WREX: Damn straight.
TALI: Well, I’m coming along too. I’m possibly the most nimble pistol-fighter in the Galaxy for some reason, and I have important knowledge about the geth.
JANE: Unfortunately, she’s right. We’ll need to have someone who knows the first thing about the geth and the reapers.
GARRUS: And I’m coming too!
(Pause. They all look at him, waiting for an explanation.)
GARRUS: Because… I have… special skills. And…
JANE: He’s a world expert at accidentally very nearly shooting medical personnel in the head.
GARRUS: But… I have a cool eye patch. And I… (Sad voice.) I already quit C-Sec. No-one will take me in!
JANE: Aw, geez… maybe you could be the comic relief?
GARRUS: Well… I can tell a mildly-funny gag about krogan testicles.
ANDERSON: How about if you bring him along as extra muscle? Can you fight?
GARRUS: Not well.
JANE: Well then…
(Note – The next scene, in which Garrus explains just why the hell he joins the quest, and where the Shepards explain why they accept him, has sadly been lost somewhere in the production process. I dare you to come up with a good reason.)
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER: DAY:
(JOHN and JANE have left their various companions at a café and are meeting Captain ANDERSON on the steps of the Council Chamber.)
ANDERSON: Come on. Udina’s presenting the quarian’s evidence to the council.
(They follow him up the stairs. At the top, we the see the Council members – Larry, Curly and Moe – listening to a recording of TALI’s audio file.)
MARINA SIRTIS (recorded): Here you are, sir – your false moustache. I thought you might like to twirl it.
SAREN (recorded): Ha ha! Thank you. Now let’s go back to Eden Prime, where we had all the evil fun, and tie someone to the railway tracks!
(The recording stops.)
LARRY: This evidence is irrefutable, Ambassador!
JANE (quietly, to UDINA): Not that I want to jinx us here, but – no it isn’t. We could easily have faked that.
UDINA: Shh. This is the one time when the Council’s incompetence has worked in our favour. Let’s use it.
LARRY: Saren will be stripped of his Spectre status, slowly and over the course of a few months. Then all efforts, and by that I mean no efforts, will be made to bring him in.
CURLY: I recognise the other voice. From Star Trek.
LARRY: We all do, but there are no clever jokes to be made here. Let us refer to her as Matriarch Benezia from now on.
CURLY: Okay. The Matriarch is a powerful biotic, who will make a formidable ally for Saren.
MOE: I’m interested in the Reapers.
(CURLY and LARRY look at him with curiosity.)
MOE: What? Sometimes I’m interested in what we talk about.
CURLY: We all know you usually wear headphones under that hood and listen to the football game.
MOE (sheepish): It was canceled today.
JANE: The Reapers were an ancient race of machines that wiped out the Protheans. I have a witness to back me up on this, but she would have damaged our case with her sheer boringness.
ANDERSON: Saren is searching for something called the ‘Conduit’, which is presumably important.
MOE: What is it?
JANE: It’s the MacGuffin. We’ll be travelling the galaxy looking for clues to find it. That’s all that matters. Come on – you’re familiar with Bioware’s previous games.
MOE: Of course.
LARRY: For no reason I am very angry about this talk of the Reapers! If they were real, we would have evidence of their existence! It’s impossible!
JANE: Random, inexplicable anger, eh? I know just the man to deal with you. Sic ’em, John.
JOHN: I tried to warn you about Saren before, and you refused to hear the truth! Don’t piss me off again!
CURLY: This is different. I’ll explain how later.
UDINA: So how about bringing in Saren? Send your fleet in!
LARRY: No! We will do absolutely nothing about Saren or his invading army of robots!
CURLY: What? Why?
LARRY: Because I am angry at these humans! Now I will contest every point they make!
JANE: There’s another way to stop Saren.
LARRY: No there isn’t!
CURLY: She’s right. There’s a way that does not require fleets or armies.
LARRY: No! It’s too soon!
JANE: Send me. I’m an Alliance infiltrator, and one of the best. After John blasted the geth apart I learned the secrets of the Beacon! And after he blasted that bar I found supposedly damning evidence against Saren within five minutes.
(The Council members nod and glance at each other, communicating through their special Council-telepathy.)
CURLY: Commander Shepard, step forward.
(JANE smiles. JOHN steps forward.)
JANE: No, John, they meant…
CURLY: Commander Shepard, your immense skill at blasting everything you find into smithereens makes you the perfect replacement for a fleet.
JANE: No! This is ridiculous! He didn’t even do anything! All he did was kill everyone in a bar and sleep with the Consort!
LARRY: Really? The Consort? Well I was going to vote ‘no’ until now. Congratulations, John.
(LARRY flicks a tape player on and rousing military music begins.)
JANE (exhausted): Goddamn it…
CURLY: It is the Council’s decision that you be granted all the powers and privileges of the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch of the Citadel.
MOE: Spectres are not trained, but chosen. They are individuals who are forged in the fires of battle, whether there was any need for battle or not. Those whose ability to shoot up bars and sleep with prostitutes elevate them above the rank of file.
CURLY: Spectres are an ideal. A symbol. The embodiment of arrogance, petty threats and racism.
LARRY: Spectres are protectors of galactic peace – both our first and last line of defence against the scum of the Universe.
CURLY: Larry, that’s Men in Black.
LARRY: Really? I thought it was the Spectre speech.
CURLY: No, it’s definitely not.
LARRY: Ignore the last part, Commander.
CURLY: You are the first human Spectre. This is a great accomplishment for your people. And you, Jane. We also have a promotion for you.
JANE: Please don’t make me his assistant… just let me go and die quietly.
CURLY: John has some limitations as a Spectre that are made up for by his skill with a rifle. But he will need to decrypt doors once in a while.
JANE: That’s really not the case. Don’t give us that ‘whole is greater than the sum of its parts’ stuff. He drags me down. And I drag him down. Back me up Johnny.
JOHN: Heheheh… hole.
JANE: Exactly my point! We don’t work well together – we just get in each other’s way!
MOE: Nonetheless, you need each other.
JANE: No – we really don’t!
JOHN: Heheheh… parts
LARRY: John would have serious trouble solving basic puzzles and communicating with adults without your help. And you seem to have no combat skills whatsoever.
JANE: I… I can deactivate people’s shields, overheat their weapons and fire my pistol with slightly more accuracy than normal for short periods.
JOHN: Heheheh…
JANE: Shut the hell up, John.
CURLY: It is the Council’s wish that you are made a Sub-Spectre, a special rank I just made up in order to humiliate you.
(JANE sinks back.)
CURLY: We are sending you both after Saren. You are authorised to use any means to bring him down. This meeting is adjourned.
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:13:06 GMT 1
Chapter 6 – Up, Up and Away
EXT: DOCKING BAY: NIGHT:
(By the late night, the Captain and the Ambassador have finished their preparations and have asked the new Spectre and his assistant to meet them at the Normandy. GARRUS, WREX and, sadly, TALI are onboard, waiting for a thrilling adventure and feeling out of place. JANE and JOHN approach UDINA and ANDERSON arguing.)
UDINA: Ah, Shepard. And hello Jane. I’ve got big news for you – Captain Anderson is stepping down as commanding officer of the Normandy.
(JANE glances in shock at ANDERSON, who nods.)
ANDERSON: She’s quick and quiet – perfect ship for a Spectre. Treat her well.
JOHN: You bet I will. First off, I’m gonna get rid of all the damn navy blue lights.
JANE: This isn’t right. You can’t just…
ANDERSON: You need your own ship. A Spectre can’t answer to anyone but the Council, so we thought that the Alliance Navy’s pride and joy would be perfect.
JANE: Uh… won’t they miss it?
ANDERSON: Well that’s the thing. We’ve worked out a deal with Admiral BishopFromAliens. You can use the Normandy until Saren is found, provided the Admiral can distract you with Navy jobs that would be better handled by a platoon whenever he feels like it. It saves him a lot of money you see.
JOHN: Understood sir. Saren’s not gonna get away from us.
UDINA: We have some leads for you. We had reports of geth from the colony on Feros shortly before the colony dropped out of contact.
JANE: Are you telling me they were invaded?
UDINA: Invaded…? Actually it hadn’t occurred to me. But now that you mention it, they sighted geth soldiers just before they… stopped answering their communicators…
ANDERSON: Good Lord! Jane, you may be right! If only someone in the Alliance command had an ounce of intelligence we might have figured this out sooner!
(Jane slaps her forehead in frustration.)
UDINA: There were also secret reports of geth from Noveria. And one more lead. Matriarch Benezia has a daughter. We don’t know if she’s involved but her name is Dr Liara Tsoni. She may be in the Artemis Tau cluster.
JANE: Well I think it’s obvious where we should go first.
JOHN: Agreed, lacky. If this Dr Tsoni is associated with Saren, we’d better push her against a wall and get her talking. And if not, she might be hot.
UDINA: She is. I’ve seen a file picture.
JOHN: Problem solved. Full speed ahead!
JANE: But there are people dying on Feros…
JOHN: And there are people on that ship dying for you to make them a cup of coffee! Am I right, fellas?
(UDINA and ANDERSON do not reply.)
JANE (biting her lip, furious): I’m – not – that – kind – of – assistant.
JOHN: Yeah, yeah. Maybe Ash will do it. I don’t know where the coffee stuff is.
(JOHN strides onboard, grinning.)
JANE: I hate this. I hate him. I hate both of you. I hate the crew.
UDINA: I’m no fan of John’s either, but the Council’s decision is final. And remember, you’re a Sub-Spectre now. That position carries a lot of responsibility, presumably.
JANE: Oh, it’s gonna be great. I’ve gone from XO to PA. Half the responsibility over the mission, and no power over the ship. So Captain, what will you do?
UDINA: Anderson will be working in my office for the time being. I need someone to arrange meetings, file papers, that sort of thing.
(JANE and ANDERSON share a pained, weary glance. Silently, they both turn and start walking. JANE boards the Normandy and the doors close behind her.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
(JANE enters the cockpit, still in her armour. JOHN is removing his to reveal the Navy uniform tight t-shirt-with-leather-straps and cargo pants. JOKER is there too. He cranes his head to see JANE.)
JOKER: I heard what happened to Captain Anderson. Just watch your back, Commanders. Things go bad on this mission, you’re next on the chopping block. You guys want to say anything to the crew? Big speech?
(As he waits for an answer, JOKER flicks an intercom switch on his control panel.)
JANE: It’s like we’re stealing the ship from him.
JOHN: The ship’s mine, Muttley. You’re just stealing his tea and coffee making facilities.
(JANE has had enough. She screams and hurls herself at her brother, knocking him to the floor.)
INT: NORMANDY CREW MESS: NIGHT:
(A number of crewmen, including KAIDEN, look up at the ceiling speakers as they hear loud scuffling and frenzied screams.)
JANE (muffled, through speaker): …hate you so much! I only brought you along on the Eden Prime mission out of sympathy… hynnnn… stole my crew… Captain always liked you better… kill you…!
JOHN (muffled, through speaker): …mfmm… two sugars…
JANE (muffled, through speaker): Aaaargh!
JOKER (through speaker): I guess you’re not ready for the speech yet.
(The intercom cuts out. The crew return to what they were doing.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
(The Commanders get up off the floor. Both are bruised. JANE seems to have won due to her armour. She vainly attempts to tidy her hair.)
JOKER: How about boosting the crew’s morale? They might need it.
JANE (breathing heavily): Okay… just a sec…
JOHN: I’ll give ’em a speech. This ship’s mine now.
JANE: John… please… don’t make a speech. It’ll be… ridiculous.
JOHN: Hah! I’ll show you! I’m the commanding officer around here. Just watch this.
(He cranes over the microphone. JOKER flicks his switch again and gives JOHN a nod.)
INT: NORMANDY CREW MESS: NIGHT:
(The crew hear the intercom device click ‘on’ again and fall silent.)
JANE (through speaker): Just promise me there won’t be any curses or... political opinions. Please, John.
JOHN (through speaker): Don’t worry. I’m smarter than I look, y’know. (Clears throat.) Listen up, Normandy, this is your Commander speaking. We’ve got our orders – find Saren before he finds the Conduit.
JANE (through speaker): And also find out what the Conduit is.
JOHN: That too. And I refuse to let anything get in the way of that mission! Except, of course, the missions from Admiral BishopFromAliens, which should come no more than one per day.
(The crewmen seem confused.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
JOHN: The council wants to ignore this. That’s no surprise. But we don’t need their help. We can do this on our own!
JANE (quietly): Hey this actually isn’t going too badly.
JOHN (loud): You bet you’re ass it isn’t!
JANE (quietly): Just… please, no more curses. No racial slurs.
(JANE smiles slightly and gulps, inspired for a moment. She remembers the way their relationship used to work, before Eden Prime.)
JANE: You can do it, Johnny.
INT: NORMANDY CARGO BAY: NIGHT:
(A few more crewmembers gather to hear the speech. The look up together at the speaker box. Among them are WREX, GARRUS and ASHLEY.)
JOHN (through speaker): Wherever Saren goes, we’ll follow him. Wherever he searches for the Conduit, we’ll be there.
(The crew fold their arms in unison, and smile proud smiles.)
JOHN (through speaker): None of the other species has the guts, grit or balls to deal with this! It’s up to humanity to…
JANE (through speaker): Jesus, John!
(The crew’s smiles drop, with the exception of ASHLEY’s. She punches the air with glee.)
JOHN (through speaker): What? It’s true. Humanity’s the best, and it’s time for us to prove it!
(The intercom flicks off. After a second it flicks on again.)
JOHN (through speaker): Oh… right… hey, no offence Wrex. You guys are like… second best.
(The intercom flicks off again, and on again.)
JOHN (through speaker): Turians suck though.
INT: NORMANDY NAVIGATION ROOM: DAY:
(The next morning JOHN stands at the bridge, looking at the Galaxy Map. He is wearing boxer shorts and a hockey jersey and drinks coffee from a large mug. On the mug is written ‘I wiped out the resistance on Torfan and all I got was this lousy mug!’)
JOHN: All right, Joker. My first command is to get this bird into the air!
JOKER (on intercomm): Already did that last night sir. Navigator Pressley’s orders.
JOHN: Good… then. Set a course for the Artemis Tau cluster.
JOKER (on intercomm): Half-way there, Commander.
JOHN: Uh-huh. Is there anything else you can do for me? Because I walked all the way up here in my underwear.
JOKER (on intercomm): I can turn the radio on and off.
JOHN: Do that then. Put my mix-tape in. It’s the one that says, ‘Jane’s mix-tape – do not tape over.’
(After a moment, the sounds of Lynyrd Skynyrd fill the ship.)
INT: CREW MESS: DAY:
(JANE wanders around the crew mess, looking for KAIDEN. She has cheered up a little after last night, and has decided that since she is not in command, she has some time to enjoy some more of the Lieutenant’s horrible flirting. Just coming from the shower, she is wearing a uniform blue bathrobe, open just a little. Seeing KAIDEN working on a computer, she moves in closer. She subtly adjusts her hair to give that sexy ruffled look.)
JANE: Good morning Lieutenant.
KAIDEN: Anything you need, Commander?
(The enormous, yellow computer screen KAIDEN is using flickers constantly. It casts a warm, golden glow over both their faces, but makes JANE, who has to look at it while they talk, squint involuntarily.)
JANE: Aaagh, what the hell’s wrong with your monitor?
KAIDEN: It’s my new screensaver. Like it?
JANE: So bright… so flickery… Kaiden, just stand a little to the left for me.
(He does.)
JANE: That’s better. (She notices how it highlights his face as he wipes away sweat from his forehead.) Now I do like it! (She raises an eyebrow and puts on her sultry voice.) I’m just trying to get a sense of where the crew’s at.
KAIDEN: Off the record?
(JANE’s smile widens.)
KAIDEN: I think there’s something wrong here.
JANE: Oh.
KAIDEN: This Saren is invading colonies with an army of geth and looking for some artefact he thinks will bring total destruction, but we can’t get backup from the Council? Sorry, Commander, but there’s writing on the wall here and someone isn’t reading it.
JANE: (pulling her robe out a little.) You’re not kidding.
KAIDEN: It just seems that the Council should see what’s going on here.
JANE: (moves in closer. Extra sultry voice.) Exactly.
KAIDEN: It’s funny – we finally get out here and the Final Frontier has already been settled, and the residents don’t even seem impressed by the view.
JANE (super-sultry voice): Well well, you’re a romantic.
KAIDEN (laughs): Yeah, I read a lot of those books where the hero goes into space to prove himself worthy of a woman he loves. Or for justice.
JANE: You’re an idealist, you’re sweet and you read.
KAIDEN: Yes ma’am. Sorry if this is too informal, but I’d like to talk to you about Brain Camp and my ex-girlfriend.
JANE: Yeah… that could be… uh… you’re not too good at picking up signals, are you, Alenko? Tell me about Brain Camp.
KAIDEN: Biotic Acclamation and Temperance training didn’t get past the airlock. To the kids they deliberately exposed to carcinogens and forced into a violent, authoritarian boarding school-cum-prison, it was Brain Camp.
JANE: What? And also – what?
KAIDEN: Yeah it was pretty rough. Especially when I accidentally killed one of my instructors after he came at me with a knife.
JANE: What?
KAIDEN: Snapped his neck. But like I say, borderline-Fascist came at me with a knife. I dealt with that a long time ago.
JANE: I’m not judging, Lieutenant, I just always imagined you growing up in a farm and living with your elderly mother. It’s kind of weird to see you’re not as two-dimensional as I thought.
KAIDEN: That’s exactly how it was, up until the guys with suits showed up and took me to Jump Zero. In any case, my element zero exposure was accidental. And I did okay – beats the brain tumours some kids grew up with.
JANE: The doctor told me you get migraines though.
KAIDEN: That’s because I have an L2 implant. Just causes headaches, seizures. Nothing I can’t deal with.
JANE: Do you think that maybe the seizures are caused by this giant, bright yellow, flashing monitor you work at all day?
KAIDEN: Commander?
JANE: Just think about it. You see how my eye is twitching, and your left hand keeps getting those spasms? That isn’t supposed to happen.
KAIDEN: I see. Maybe I ought to go with dark blue, like every other light on board.
JANE: Anyway, you were telling me about your time at BAaT.
KAIDEN: Right. Truth be told, there isn’t much else to tell. There was nothing to do and we were off the extranet, just to make the whole experience even more horrific than it already was. We did have a little group that would get together every night after our evening gruel and then lights-out. We’d exchange smuggled cigarettes for candy bars, soda, hair gel in my case. Anything to help us get through the next day.
JANE: You were all teenagers. I’m sure you found other ways to occupy the time.
(She raises her eyebrows suggestively. After it gets no response, she raises them three more times. Nothing.)
KAIDEN: I’m not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander. Not lightly anyway.
JANE: Yeah I’m noticing that.
KAIDEN: There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. Rahna. She was… anyway, this was supposed to be a casual debrief, not a session about stuff that happened years ago.
JANE: Kaiden, what happened to that easy, obvious flirting from the Citadel? Did they replace your writer, or is it just that the wetsuits we were wearing got you in the mood?
KAIDEN: I… uh… (blushes.)
JANE: That’s more like it!
KAIDEN: Do you… make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?
JANE: What, turn up in a bath robe and bat my eyelashes at them after breakfast? Shockingly, no. (Gets suspicious.) Why? What have you heard? Is this about that thing a couple of years ago? Look it was just after Akuze and I was very vulnerable…
(JOHN strides over to them.)
JOHN: Hey Jane, suit up. We’re going on a mission!
JANE: We arrived at Feros already?
JOHN: Feros? No, we were headed to Artemis Tau.
JANE: Oh… yeah, that’s right. So where are we going?
JOHN: Some planet in the Hades Gamma cluster. Admiral BishopFromAliens just called. There’s a missing survey team we’re supposed to find.
KAIDEN: Oh yeah, that’s been all over the news. It doesn’t really sound like the sort of job you need a Spectre for, though. A search team would’ve done.
JOHN: Well you’re not going, Fonzie – I’m bringing Ashley and Wrex. The Admiral said ‘You’re the only one who can handle it.’ And that made me feel special, so we’re going! Touchdown in half an hour.
(JOHN leaves.)
JANE: Ah well. Not exactly my favourite crowd, but at least we get to try out the lunar rover. After all those boring side-quests on the Citadel, tracking down a missing team of scientists on an unexplored world might be really exciting! Yeah, something tells me I’m finally about to have a real space adventure!
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: DAY:
(Above the planet Trebin, the Normandy drops the Mako vehicle onto the sandy surface. Trebin looks a lot like Earth, only less interesting. Nothing is happening on the surface and there are no animals, no trees and no water. After pausing to admire the various sizes of brown rocks, the Mako drives onward in pursuit of something on the radar screen.)
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: DAY:
(Half an hour later, the Mako reaches its destination. It is a neat pile of plutonium rock. The crew get out of the car, and JANE spends some time setting up an electronic marker next to it, while JOHN complains. Then they get back in the Mako.)
EXT: TREBIN MOUNTAINSIDE: DAY:
(Trebin is littered with steep, brown, rocky hills. En route to their next marker, which JANE promises will be more interesting than the plutonium deposit, they have to pass over a mountain. There is no way through, so they must scale the face of it through sheer determination.)
EXT: TREBIN MOUNTAINSIDE: DAY:
(Ten minutes later, the Mako has advanced three feet. In a moment of brilliance, JOHN tries using the Mako’s ‘jump jets’. The rover flies upward for a second, then falls all the way back down to the bottom of the hill. It is silent for a moment, then it turns around and decides to take the long route.)
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: DAY:
(Another half-hour has passed. The Mako rolls to a stop next to a pile of metal. The crew pile out.)
JOHN: Okay, let’s see what was worth an hour’s ride to see.
JANE: It might be a clue about the missing researchers!
JOHN: Yeah, or it might be a pile of metal.
(JANE crouches down beside the metal for a few seconds.)
JANE: It’s… an abandoned satellite. And there might be some weapons inside it for some reason. But… oh… oh, right…
JOHN: What?
JANE: We can’t open it. My electronics skills aren’t quite up to scratch.
(JOHN, WREX and ASHLEY pile back into the Mako in silence.)
JANE: I’m sorry! It’s just… give me a few more days and I’ll be able to open it! Really! I just need practice!
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: DAY:
(The Mako stops next to a small metal capsule after driving for God-knows-how-long. They pile out again and JANE finds a small piece of paper with a turian insignia printed on it. Excited, she shows it to JOHN, who rips it up and yells at her.)
EXT: TREBIN RESEARCH BASE: EVENING:
(The Mako approaches three empty shacks in the desert. The crew pile out and WREX begins searching them. After so long in the buggy, the others form a queue for the bathroom. Once it has been established that there is absolutely nothing to see there, they sit down on some rocks.)
JANE: Well… turian insignia aside, this planet is pretty dull.
JOHN: We’ve been here hours. All I wanted was a fight with a sandworm.
ASHLEY: Gee sir, I thought it was kinda fun when we found that deposit of palladium, and the Commander said, ‘It’s Saturday night at the London Palladium!’
JOHN: That wasn’t funny, Ash. It was funny when I shot at her.
(They all allow their heads to sink into their hands. WREX returns.)
WREX: According to their logs, they unearthed some alien technology at the dig site up ahead. (His eyes darken and he uses his cheesy action movie voice.) Maybe we’ll find some answers.
(JANE and JOHN’s eyes light up.)
JOHN: Maybe we’ll find monsters!
JANE: Or mineral deposits!
INT: TREBIN MINING TUNNELS: EVENING:
(The party trudges through dank, wet tunnels for a few minutes. Then they open a door to find a room full of husks – the robotic zombie creatures they first met on Eden Prime. They shoot the husks, and then there is a long, long quiet. JANE tries to stifle a yawn.)
ASHLEY: So… I guess the researchers turned into husks somehow.
JANE: Mystery solved.
EXT: TREBIN RESEARCH BASE: EVENING:
(The Mako drives back the same route in complete silence.)
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: EVENING:
(The Mako drives past the small metal canister.)
EXT: TREBIN MOUNTAINSIDE: EVENING:
(The Mako drives carefully around the mountains.)
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: EVENING:
(The Mako drives past a pile of metal, then a pile of palladium, then a pile of plutonium.)
EXT: TREBIN SURFACE: NIGHT:
(The Mako comes to a halt and the crew get out, waiting in silence for the Normandy to pick them up. Eventually JOHN speaks.)
JOHN: What the hell was the point of that?
(No-one answers.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:14:30 GMT 1
Chapter 7 – Skyway to Hell
EXT: FEROS SPIRES: DAY:
(It is afternoon on the planet Feros. The landscape is oddly beautiful, composed of grey, Prothean buildings that merge with the clouds and which are so tall that the ground is invisible. The Normandy cuts a path between two such towers.)
INT: FEROS DOCKING BAY: DAY:
(The Normandy slows down as it gently lands in one of the region’s hundreds of empty docks. After a short while, the door opens. JANE, JOHN, WREX and ASHLEY step out and walk across the ramp. JOHN inhales the rusty air.)
JOHN: So this is the Artemis Tau cluster, eh? Funny – doesn’t look like a cluster to me. What the hell is a cluster anyway? I once had a nut cluster…
ASHLEY: This is Feros, sir.
JOHN: The hell? I told Joker to get us to the…
(JOHN shoots an angry look to JANE, who pretends not to understand.)
JANE: Why would you want to go find Dr Tsoni first, John?
JOHN: Because Udina said she was h…
(JANE feigns confusion as ASHLEY turns to hear him.)
JOHN: …horribly… endangered. But you’re right. The good people of whatever-you-said-this-planet-was-called need our help more.
(JOHN impales her with a look. She smiles back sweetly. They walk a few metres before a stranger, DAVID AL TALAGANI, stops them.)
DAVID: We saw your ship. Fai Dan wishes to speak with you.
JOHN: We’ve got business of our own to attend to.
DAVID: If it helps, he is voiced by Quark from Deep Space Nine.
JANE: Really? Principal Snyder? Let’s go!
(Before JOHN can annoy people further, DAVID is shot from behind by some sort of rocket and obliterated. Immediately the Normandy crew take cover behind a conveniently placed indestructible crate and an even more convenient perfectly-sized-cube-of-metal.)
JANE: Why don’t we have rockets?
(They take down seven or so geth, then wonder how they missed them coming. On the way up a flight of stairs, they have to do battle with little geth who stick to the walls like Spiderman. They shoot them.
WREX: Good and dead – the way I like ’em.
(The others pretend to laugh. Eventually they reach the end of the tunnels.)
EXT: ZHU’S HOPE CARAVAN PARK: DAY:
(The team enter the desperate colony of Zhu’s Hope to find weapons aimed at them. They proceed carefully and notice that all the villagers here live in big, metal cylinders. After looking around for a while, they encounter a woman, ARCELIA, and a small, thin man speaking with a nasal voice.)
JANE: I recognise that voice! This must be Steely Dan. Ahoy there.
FAI DAN: Oh, Commander! I’m glad they finally sent someone to help us.
JANE: They didn’t, Quark. They’re idiots. We just heard about your situation yesterday morning.
ARCELIA: You’re a bit late, aren’t you?
JANE: Yes, but in our defence, we found a whole heap of rare minerals.
ARCELIA: Watch out! We’ve got geth in the tower!
JANE: Sounds painful.
(JOHN spins around to notice that they do indeed have geth in the tower. They approach with ungeth-like caution, and one of them actually seems to be moonwalking down the stairs. After admiring his stylish entrance, JOHN kills him, and then shoots the rest down before his companions get a shot out.)
FAI DAN: Please, continue upwards and take care of the rest of this group.
(JOHN nods and they follow him forward. At the end of the corridor there are three possible exits. After some deliberation they choose to go straight ahead rather than left or right.)
FADE OUT.
FADE IN.
INT: ENDLESS SERIES OF TUNNELS: DAY:
(An hour later, the group are still wandering around the tunnels arguing about which way to go. They soon come to a girder they think they recognise, with a tired, old MAINTENANCE MAN repairing it.)
JOHN: I told you we should have taken a left after the first geth we saw.
JANE: We were right to go straight ahead, but then after trying to save the guy who died anyway, we should have gone right.
ASHLEY: We definitely should have turned back after we started fighting wild dogs. That’s when I knew we were on the wrong track.
MAINTENANCE MAN: Who are you folks?
JOHN: We’re the marines that are saving the colony tonight.
MAINTENANCE MAN: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall, turn right…
JANE: Yeah.
MAINTENANCE MAN: And then there’s a little jog there… about twenty feet.
JOHN: Jog?
WREX: We don’t have time for that…
MAINTENANCE MAN: Go straight ahead. Straight ahead. Then the first door with a sign, ‘Authorised personnel only’. Open that door – that’s the colony.
JOHN: You think so?
MAINTENANCE MAN: You’re authorised – you’re the marines aren’t you?
JOHN: Yeah. Thank you very much! Okay, rock and roll!
WREX: Rock and roll!
(They set off again.)
ASHLEY: Hello Feros! Hello Fer-os!
JOHN: I’ve upgraded my grenades to a High-Explosive XI. Al of them. Right across the board. XI. XI.
EXT: ZHU’S HOPE CARAVAN PARK: DAY:
(A door opens near FAI DAN and ARCELIA. Looking extremely relieved, JOHN, JANE, WREX and ASHLEY tumble out.)
FAI DAN: Where were you? We were losing hope.
JANE: Sorry – we were lost. You should have said go left after the guy you can’t save. We went straight ahead and ended up in the aqueducts or something.
ASHLEY: Incidentally, we switched the water on.
JANE: Right. We also killed a bunch of space dogs with bowling-ball eyes, broke some sort of geth transmitter device and found some power cells you might be able to use.
FAI DAN: Thank you! You’ve completed all the side-quests!
JANE: What?
FAI DAN: Power cells… bowling ball eyes… that’s all of them!
JANE (angry): Now I’ve done some stupid side-quests in my time, but are you telling me that we just completed all of yours without even realising it? It’s getting beyond a joke now…
FAI DAN: Well, that’s all of them. I would reward you, but you’ll have to track down the individual people tasked with solving those problems and speak with them all directly. Here is a list of their names and addresses.
(FAI DAN hands her a long piece of paper.)
JOHN: Off you go, assistant.
(JANE stumbles away, looking depressed.)
JOHN: Now, I’m here for the geth, nothing more. Where are they?
FAI DAN: If it’s geth you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
WREX: Good line.
FAI DAN: Thank you.
JOHN: Tell me what the geth want. Why are they attacking you?
ARCELIA: If you want answers – go ask them yourself.
FAI DAN: Calm down, Zaedra!
(Everyone but FAI DAN looks confused.)
FAI DAN: I think, perhaps, you had to be there. Your assistant would have got it. Their main base is in the ExoGeni headquarters. The skyway leads directly there, of course there’s an army of geth between here and there.
JOHN: Good. Every geth I kill gets me one step closer to Saren!
WREX: Also good.
(JOHN and WREX exchange a silly hip-hop handshake they made up that morning.)
INT: SKYWAY CAR PARK: DAY:
(Having found their way through the tunnels once again, our heroes emerge in a large parking bay which serves as the entrance to the ‘skyway’ – a thin bridge hundreds of feet in the air with no railings. There are two COLONISTS from Zhu’s Hope standing guard. They seem nervous.)
JANE: A two-man front line guard? Wow.
(They look over a railing and see the Mako.)
JANE: Hey, that was lucky! I didn’t feel like walking all the way to the geth base. But… how did our car get here before we did?
JOHN (scratching his head): Maybe… uh… maybe Joker had the Mako sent here?
JANE: Right. These people have no food or water, but their valet parking service is still first-rate. Hey did you two see who…
(JANE turns around to ask the nervous COLONISTS about it, but they are running away. One of them drops the keys to the Mako.)
JOHN: Stop! Thieves!
FIRST COLONIST: Run for it, Jeff!
SECOND COLONIST: We don’t know anything about it! You’ll have to ask Fai Dan …!
JANE: That’s their excuse for everything!
(They climb down the steep hill and into the Mako. They are relieved to find the radio is still inside. The rover rolls on toward the huge, thick blast door.)
JANE: I wonder how those geth made it through this enormous, undamaged door.
(As they approach it the door lifts up automatically, as if they were strolling into a supermarket.)
JANE: Now I get it. Seems to me this colony could use better security procedures.
EXT: PROTHEAN SYKWAY: DAY:
(The skyway is precarious, and has clearly seen fighting recently. Debris and craters litter it. Driven by JOHN, the Mako screams along it at high speed, but they have not gone far when a huge geth dropship drops several geth armatures down in their path. These are hulking, tank-like tripod creatures. They shoot big, blue balls. Eventually the Mako’s cannon and rockets have finished them off, but not before its shields have completely drained.)
ASHLEY: Geez, those armatures are tough.
JANE: Yeah, I’d hate to see the professionals!
(As they drive on they notice red laser beams being fired from within one of the towers in the distance.)
JANE: There’s those laser beams again! Just like we saw in the distance on Eden Prime. How have the geth managed to invent laser guns, and how come they only ever use them for ambiance?
JOHN: Just be glad they don’t use them against us.
INT: SKYWAY TUNNEL: DAY:
(The Mako enters a tunnel which, to everyone but JOHN’s relief, has walls. Suddenly they hear a voice through their radio.)
JULIANA BAYNHAM: The last batch went south. What are they looking for?
ASHLEY: Picking up some comm chatter.
JULIANA BAYNHAM: We’ve got movement! Some sort of vehicle. Not one of the geth. Don’t ask me how I can tell that. I know everything.
ASHLEY: They’ve spotted us. They must be close. Maybe they’re through that obvious, short, brightly lit tunnel with no door that’s the only route available to us except the next blast door.
JOHN: They just may be. Let’s check it out.
(They get out of the car.)
WREX (angry): Forget them! We need to find the geth!
(The others all stop to look at him.)
JOHN: Why forget them? It won’t take long.
ASHLEY: And they might have information to help us find the geth.
JANE: Not to mention that they may need our help.
JOHN: Dude, are you okay? You’re really angry today.
WREX (quiet): I just like to argue.
INT: REFUGEE HIDEOUT: DAY:
(The crew cautiously head down the ramp to find a large collection of refugees, many of them in tight, shiny ‘scientist’ costumes. The two refugees most important to the plot stand in the middle. They are JULIANA BAYNHAM and THE MAN.)
THE MAN (nervous): That’s close enough!
JULIANA: Relax, The Man! They’re obviously not geth – they’re just heavily armed strangers.
THE MAN: Who are you? What do you want? I’m not hiding any company secrets!
JANE: Hey, this shifty, nervous guy with the moustache might be hiding some company secrets!
THE MAN: What? No, I’m not! I don’t know anything about the Thorian, or any other evil company plans, for that matter!
JOHN: I suggest you put that weapon down unless you’re ready to use it.
(They all look at THE MAN, who has a gun in his hand, but by his side and with the safety on.)
JANE: John, it… is… down.
JOHN: Oh, then… put it even further down.
(Nervously, THE MAN leans sideways so that the gun is lower than his knees.)
JULIANA: Don’t worry about him, he’s just a stereotype. He only cares about ‘the company’. I thought we were the only humans left on this planet. Y’know, because we found such a great hiding place.
JANE: Yeah, there was no way the geth could have noticed you people as they drove right past your open, warm camp and talked via electronic communicator on unguarded frequencies to people standing three feet away from you. I’m amazed even we got to you.
JOHN: Just tell us where we can find the geth.
THE MAN: You see? They don’t care about us! We should just wait for the company to save us! Ah, the beloved company… Have you thought about the company pension scheme? I’m not hiding any mysterious secrets at all.
JULIANA: Ignore him.
JANE: Oh, we have been.
JULIANA: The geth are up in the ExoGeni headquarters. Just a bit further along the skyway. Oh, and before you go, Commanders…?
JANE: No! No more side-quests! They’re insulting is what they are. What do you want me to do – find your stamp collection? Switch the lights off in your office? Make a copy of some files for you? I’ve had enough! From now on there will be no side-quests that don’t involve actual people in some way.
JULIANA: I… I’m sorry, it’s just… my daughter is trapped in the geth base. Her name is Lizbeth. I know you’re busy…
(JANE’s face turns red.)
JANE: Oh, God, I’m so sorry. Of course we’ll find her. I promise.
JOHN (quietly, to himself): How did she know we were Commanders?
THE MAN: I would just like to chip in for no reason and say that I’m opposed to saving Lizbeth’s life. Also, I’m not hiding anything. No siree.
JOHN: That’s great. So, what was the ExoGeni building used for?
THE MAN: Oh, yeah, well that structure was re-purposed to serve as our headquarters. It’s mainly just offices and non-suspicious mind-control laboratories. Yeah, don’t read any of the files.
JOHN: I won’t.
THE MAN: Because there is absolutely nothing unusual about our operations here.
JANE: We get it! You’re evil and corporate! Shut up already!
JULIANA: ExoGeni is a master at ‘re-purposing’, like how they re-purposed some rubber bondage gear to make these lab uniforms. I’m sorry about The Man, but I do sympathise. I had to work in the cubicle opposite the guy for two years. Every time I went to get coffee, he’d try and do something evil and corporate, like hide the sugar to save money. It got really annoying.
JOHN: To hell with this. You stay bunkered down until I find out what the geth are after. Let’s go shoot up robots, marines.
(They turn to leave. A man, GAVIN HOSSLE, puts a hand on JANE’s shoulder.)
GAVIN: Excuse me. I was hoping you’d have a moment to speak with me. I’ve got a bit of a problem.
JANE: Okay. We’ll help. Is someone you know trapped in there?
GAVIN: Lots of people, but I need you to make a copy of some files for me, and also switch off the lights in my office. And if you could perhaps find my stamp collection… Commander?
(JANE has turned away, eyes closed in rage. She leaves, followed by the others.)
INT: EXOGENI FOUNDATIONS: DAY:
(Underneath the main ExoGeni building, the party destroy another platoon of geth. These ones hide behind laser shields, of all things. When they are done, they catch their breath and move on until they see a doorway blocked by a giant, blue force field.)
ASHLEY: Forcefields, laser guns, laser shields, giant dropships… where did the geth get all this technology?
JANE: Probably the same place we got our three-man tank and combat suits with rechargeable shields built into them.
(ASHLEY seems confused. She tries to speak, but before she can, she is rushed by a tall, deep-voiced geth carrying an energy-sword. JANE shoots it down.)
JANE: Case closed.
(Dropping down into a lower level, they are startled by a dead dog-like creature. A gunshot is heard, and sails right past JOHN’s head. It lands in JANE’s thigh. She drops to the ground.)
JANE: Arrch!
LIZBETH: Damn it!
(The shooter is a young scientist – LIZBETH BAYNHAM. She relaxes the gun as she sees JOHN’s is aimed better. She approaches.)
LIZBETH: I’m so sorry! I thought you were geth, or more of those dogs with bowling-ball eyes.
JANE (mumbling): S’okay… but… the… pain…
JOHN (calm voice): You’re safe now. But why were you here in the first place?
JANE: John… don’t you want to… push her against a wall? Yell at her?
JOHN: I don’t see any need to. This poor woman obviously meant no harm. There’s no need to over-react.
JANE (wincing): So… much… blood…
LIZBETH: It’s my own fault. Everyone else was running and I stayed to back-up data. Next thing you knew, the geth ship latched onto the side of the building. I was trapped.
JOHN: We’ll get you out. The geth won’t be any problem for me.
LIZBETH: The geth aren’t the problem. It’s these force fields which have no real connection to the Thorian.
ASHLEY: Thorian?
LIZBETH: Oh no, did I mention the Thorian?
JOHN: Yes, and we didn’t ask about it. If you absolutely must, tell me more.
LIZBETH: It’s an indigenous life-form. A plant. Exogeni was studying it. I will tell you more only once you have destroyed the geth drop ship. This, inexplicably, will deactivate the force fields too.
JANE: It will?
JOHN: How?
LIZBETH: I’m a scientist. That’s how. Take my ID – something tells me this will come in handy.
JANE: Huh?
LIZBETH: Scientist.
INT: DULL, GREY, EMPTY ROOM IN EXOGENI HQ: DAY:
(The party climbs a staircase inside the ExoGeni building. JANE hobbles along behind, groaning. The building is nothing but flat, grey walls with deep, dangerous cracks and large holes in the floor. Occasionally they see a pile of rocks. There is no decoration to speak of.)
JANE: Curious how this place looks so little like an office building but so much like… well, every other location on Feros.
(They hear a gruff voice above them.)
KROGAN: Stupid machine! I know the damn thing is ‘not responding’ – that’s why I pressed ‘control-alt-delete’ in the first place!
(Quietly they proceed until they see the Krogan’s back. He is talking with CLIPPIT, the little, digital paperclip character, in bright red 3D. JOHN aims his rifle. At CLIPPIT.)
CLIPPIT: This programme has shut down unexpectedly. Would you like to send an error report?
KROGAN: I don’t even know what that is! I just want to get online!
CLIPPIT: Would you like to update to the new media player? And also makemediaplayeryourdefaultmediaprogramme?
KROGAN: Can’t… answer… all these… just wanted… to check… email…
(Shaking, the KROGAN grabs his shotgun and kills himself.)
CLIPPIT (happily): Ah, another successful assisted office suicide for the Office Assistant. Next please.
(JOHN kicks the body aside and they approach CLIPPIT.)
CLIPPIT: Welcome back, research assistant Elizabeth Baynham. How may I torment you?
JOHN: Uhm… which of us do you think is Lizbeth?
CLIPPIT: Why, you of course, Dr Baynham. Your access card identifies you, although I must admit I am puzzled by your recent growth, hair loss, assortment of guns and, indeed, decision to alter your gender.
JANE: Real tight security here on Feros.
JOHN: What information was the last user attempting to access?
CLIPPIT: Oh, the previous user was just trying to access the internet, but he kept clicking for Firefox even though Firefox was uninstalled several days ago! Hahaha. Of course I could have told him to use Extranet Explorer, but then there’d be no sport in it.
JOHN: Tell me about the Thorian.
CLIPPIT: I could, but first you have to tell me – would you like to send an error report?
JOHN: The hell is that?
JANE: John, say ‘don’t send.’
(JOHN aims his pistol at CLIPPIT’s main computer. The computer bank begins humming loudly.)
JOHN: Don’t send, butt-horn! So help me, I will find a way to push you up against a wall!
CLIPPIT: Oh dear, it looks like I’m about to be improperly shutdown! Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you have to watch an unnecessary scan-disk procedure when I switch on again.
(On the machinery below CLIPPIT, the green, ring-shaped ‘on’ button starts to flash red. CLIPPIT laughs maniacally, then abruptly switches off.)
JANE: Damn it Microsoft!
JOHN: I’ll have my revenge, Clippit!
(They move on angrily.)
INT: ANOTHER EMPTY, GREY ROOM: DAY:
(Entering a room the party see a huge claw of the geth drop ship that has forced its way into the wall, thus attaching the ship to the building. Beneath it, three geth kneel in praying position around a glowing, white orb. JANE, now in some pain, drags herself through the others to see.)
JANE: Wow. The geth have a religion – and it seems strangely similar to many of our own faith systems! Finally we’re getting an insight into the geth mindset. Perhaps we could question these three about the purpose of this orb and…
(JOHN throws a grenade at the three geth and destroys them. JANE sighs and gently eases herself down the stairs, while being constantly buffeted by the other three, anxious to pass her.)
JANE: Ow! Ah! I… ouch!
(The reach the bottom and look at the glowing orb.)
ASHLEY: Heh. If they’re looking for God, I’d be happy to speed them on their way.
(JOHN grins at her. She returns the smile with a wink.)
WREX: The geth are gonna need divine intervention to save them from me! What do you say, Shepard?
JOHN: Yeah! I say it’s time for the geth to say their prayers! What do you think, Jane?
JANE: My leg hurts.
INT: YET ANOTHER DILAPIDATED ROOM: DAY:
(The crew have now found a room that is exactly like all the others, but has some computers in it. They quickly despatch the geth protecting the computers, and JANE – investigates the computers one-by-one.)
ASHLEY: What is this, Commander – some kind of containment lab?
JOHN: No, it’s another completely empty, grey room. But with computers.
JANE: Okay, this one does nothing… this one has guns hidden in it… best not to ask… and this one controls the shuttle bay door. Oh, apparently this is a shuttle bay control room. I didn’t even notice the shuttle bay. Must have been that large, grey, deserted room with the claw from the geth frigate.
(JANE picks up a piece of paper from the computer’s top.)
JANE: Oh… kay. Get ready for what I’m about to tell you because it will blow your minds. (She inhales.) Apparently the enormous computer covering the wall here does nothing but regulate the pressure of the apparently-hydraulic shuttle bay doors in another room. If that isn’t implausible enough for you, there’s a piece of paper on it handily informing me that if we set the pressure incorrectly – by the way, it’s manually set every time the door opens and closes, via the use of simple maths problems – then the door will slam shut with, and I quote, ‘enough power to break through a metal l-beam’. So, to detach the geth ship from the building, thus destroying it, all I have to do is press these buttons in the correct order.
(She does. There is a loud crash.)
JANE: Yay. I thwarted the geth invasion thanks to my knowledge of basic addition.
ASHLEY: I notice that the jokes on this planet are getting very tired now. The author doesn’t seem to be much enough effort in – he just calmly explains things in a long-winded way that makes them appear silly.
JANE: Yes, but in fairness – the game developers aren’t trying any harder.
(They trudge out of the ExoGeni building, looking unhappy.)
INT: ANOTHER GREY ROOM OR POSSIBLY ONE FROM EARLIER: DAY:
(As the gang make their way out of the endless grey, JOHN hears a bleep.)
JOKER (through communicator): I repeat, Normandy to shore party – anyone there?
(JOHN doesn’t answer.)
JANE: What’s up? Answer the phone. He sounds upset.
JOHN: Uh… it’s embarrassing. I’m… not wearing my helmet.
JANE: So?
JOHN: So how am I supposed to tap the side of my helmet and talk to him?
JANE: Oh right. Come to think of it, how the hell can you hear his voice if you’re not wearing a helmet?
(There is a long pause. They all look at the floor, checking their pockets for communications devices of any kind.)
JOKER (though communicator): Normandy to shore party? Come on, Commander, talk to me.
(JOHN furrows his brow, then hits himself in the ear. Surprisingly, this causes a ‘bleep’ sound.)
JOHN: Uh, shore party to Normandy?
JOKER (though communicator): Yes sir. We’re in lockdown here…
JOHN: Hold it. How come I can talk to you without my helmet?
JOKER (though communicator): Oh… did you hit your ear?
JOHN: Yeah. Why the hell did that work?
JOKER (though communicator): The Captain told me never to tell you. Just before you were officially being considered for the Spectres, the Alliance had a tiny mobile phone surgically implanted into your ear, because they knew you hate wearing your helmet.
JOHN: Really? Cool! Okay, what’s up?
JOKER (though communicator): Something happened to the colonists! They’re banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship. They’re freaking out!
JOHN: All right then. That’s weird. Better gun them down.
(JANE leans closer to JOHN)
JANE: Whoah! Cancel that, Joker.
JOHN: Stop yelling in my ear!
JANE: Sorry. But John, the hull of the Normandy is quite strong enough to withstand a mild clawing.
JOHN: Yes, but are you going to explain to the Alliance high command why we already got scratches on the paint? Cause I’m not.
JANE: John, you already have a war-crimes tribunal coming up for Torfan. Please don’t gun down the civilians.
JOKER (though communicator): Commanders – maybe a warning shot?
JANE: Thank you Joker. And God bless you.
JOHN (sulky): Fine. Would have been more fun to shoot them though. Most of them are jerks. One of them was a salarian. Never liked Deep Space Nine anyway.
(JANE hits JOHN in the ear.)
JOHN: Hey! I already turned the communicator off!
JANE: I noticed.
(She hits him again.)
JANE: Deep Space Nine was fantastic. Now let’s move, people. You know the drill – grey, empty tunnels. Occasional geth. Follow me.
(With renewed determination and a slight limp, JANE leads the others out of the ExoGeni building.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:16:42 GMT 1
Chapter 8 – Mean Green Mother From Outer Space
EXT: PROTHEAN SKYWAY: EVENING:
(JANE and her party have recovered LIZBETH and escaped the grey hell of the EXOGENI building, vowing never to return. The Mako powers along, with four humans and a krogan taking up its three seats.)
(Inside the Mako we see the space is somewhat cramped. LIZBETH sits on JANE’s knee, crushing her leg. JOHN drives, and has his seat all the way back ‘to help him drive’. No-one complains for fear that he might accidentally drive of the side of the skyway. Out of the window ahead we see some dead geth and a red laser beam that shoots right past them.)
ASHLEY: Whoah!
JANE: Hey Lizbeth, do you know where these laser beams are coming from? We’ve been wondering all day.
LIZBETH: Oh sure. You see the picturesque ruins of Feros are in high demand for science fiction adventures whose directors need desolate, grey futuristic cities to film in. The tower over there was rented out by the Transformers.
JANE: Oh now I get it. Now let’s roll out.
(There is an uncomfortable pause in conversation.)
JANE: So why don’t you tell us about the Thorian?
LIZBETH: It’s an ancient plant being that has unique mind-control capabilities. It seems to be controlling the people at Zhu’s Hope. ExoGeni was studying them, purely because they enjoy being so evil and corporate.
JANE: This must be why Saren sent a geth ship here. So where can we find it? Somewhere not grey, maybe?
LIZBETH: It’s underneath Zhu’s Hope. The colonists covered the entrance with a freighter just before the geth attacked. The lair is kinda… green-grey, if that’s any help.
JANE: It’s just grey, isn’t it?
LIZBETH: Sorry. We haven’t gotten around to decorating yet.
EXT: OUTSIDE REFUGEE HIDEOUT: EVENING:
(The Mako enters a tunnel and another radio broadcast surprises them.)
JULIANA (on radio): This is Juliana Baynham of Feros colony. Please help us.
LIZBETH: That’s my mom! Stop! Stop the rover!
JOHN: Actually it’s a Ford. And we were going to stop anyway – did you think we were planning to bring your whiny, mis-firing ass with us?
(The Mako stops. LIZBETH runs out and toward the refugees’ camp. The others follow more cautiously.)
INT: REFUGEE HIDEOUT: EVENING:
(The Normandy party enter the tunnel leading to the camp. LIZBETH is hiding, and has chosen a magnificent hiding place – right under a bright light set up at the top of the tunnel to help spot intruders. JANE gently leads her to a better position and the five of them awkwardly try to blend in with the scenery.)
JULIANA: You can’t do this The Man! You won’t get away with it.
LIZBETH (whispers): What’s going on?
JOHN: How should I know?
JANE: It looks like your mother and The Man are arguing again. Those two are so cliché – the girl’s smart and hard-done-by and the guy’s a selfish oaf. They always fight. Blah blah – I’ve seen that double act a million times before.
(LIZBETH looks hard at JANE.)
JANE: What?
THE MAN: Get her out of here!
(LIZBETH runs in.)
LIZBETH: Get away from her, you badly-drawn, evil, corporate guy!
THE MAN: Damn it! Come out where I can see you – all of you!
(Looking surly, JOHN, JANE, ASHLEY and WREX get up from their hiding places and approach THE MAN.)
THE MAN: Damn it… Shepards… I found some interesting facts about you in the ExoGeni database, which for some reason contains case histories of Navy personnel. (To JANE) I know what happened on Akuze. This doesn’t have to end like that.
(JANE stares at him with a raised eyebrow.)
JANE: Uh, what?
THE MAN: I said, this doesn’t have to end like Akuze.
JANE: But… if it does end like Akuze, you’re going to call a pack of thresher maws to kill everyone but me, and then let me escape as you build a monument in honour of us all? I’m going to be completely honest here – I wasn’t expecting you to do that at all.
THE MAN: I meant…
JANE: Do you think that’s something you’re likely to do? Because I don’t even know if there are any threshers up this high… Seems unlikely.
THE MAN: All right, bad example! Listen… communications are back up. ExoGeni wants this place purged.
JANE: Okay… why?
THE MAN: Because… erm… because there’s something far more valuable here than a few colonists!
JANE: And why does this mean you have to kill the colonists?
THE MAN: I… uh… well they weren’t very specific in the email. I guess the company just really likes being evil.
JANE: You’re an idiot. Now are you going to tell them about the Thorian or am I?
LIZBETH: Mom, it’s a telepathic plant creature living under Zhu’s Hope.
JULIANA: Well that’s weird. Must be the ‘big secret’ The Man’s been trying to get us to ask him about for the last couple of weeks.
THE MAN: I don’t know what you’re talking about! Anyway, no-one can stop me now! And no-one will miss a few colonists.
JANE: The Man, listen to yourself! It’s you and two security guards against four soldiers with self-repairing shields, so that you can murder two villages because an email told you to! This is hands-down the stupidest plan I ever heard!
(THE MAN is angered by this, and flails his arms around wildly.)
THE MAN: If that’s the way it has to be, come on!
JANE: ‘Come on’? Are you asking us for a fistfight? What the hell are you talking about, The Man?
THE MAN: Come on!
(JOHN shrugs and shoots THE MAN once in the chest. THE MAN is so over-dramatic that his body flies into the air amusingly.)
JANE: Was that necessary?
JOHN: It rarely is, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t funny.
JANE: Yeah, it kinda was.
JULIANA: As if we don’t have enough problems, now we’re shooting each other in the back!
JOHN: Chest, actually.
LIZBETH: It’s all my fault! I knew about the Thorian all along and I didn’t do anything.
JULIANA: Now don’t you start. You do good work here with the most evil company in the Universe, and you know it. Why ExoGeni couldn’t have wrought half as much random chaos as it has this quarter without your tireless research into the field of meaningless supervillainy.
JANE (nursing her leg): Yeah, she’s the best. So why are the geth after the Thorian?
JULIANA: The colonists won’t let you near the Thorian. They’d die first.
(Everyone turns to look at JULIANA.)
LIZBETH: Well, gee mom, how do you know that? I mean, I only just told you about the Thorian two minutes ago. And you’ve had no contact at all with the infected colonists.
JULIANA: Nonetheless, I have decided I’m an expert in this situation.
LIZBETH: Well… insanely, she’s right. You’ll have to fight them.
JOHN: Fantastic. I’ve been looking for an excuse to kill those colonists for hours.
LIZBETH: There’s gotta be another way.
JULIANA: I… think there is! You could safely use a nerve agent that I could prepare specifically to knock-out colonists under the sway of the Thorian!
LIZBETH: How can you say that?! How can you even guess at how to help with this situation? You only heard about the Thorian minutes ago!
JANE: Uh… won’t the nerve gas knock us out too?
JULIANA: No, just people whose nervous systems are already weakened. You see the gas contains trace amounts of made-up-gibberish, which may act as a paralysing agent that only affects those who have weak nervous systems.
LIZBETH: What are you talking about? How is this possible? How long will it take for you to prepare this stuff?
JULIANA: I’ll do better than make it – I’ll put it in some grenades!
JANE: Huh?
JULIANA: Here you go.
(She hands them a belt of gas grenades marked ‘Anti-Thorian gas’.)
LIZBETH: How…?
JANE: That was fast! Or did I just pass out?
JOHN: I am confused and frightened. I need military advice. Ash? Wrex?
ASHLEY: Dodgy. But this woman apparently has the power to stop time, so I say do what she says.
WREX: If we must consider it, drop it in a concussion grenade.
JOHN: Wrex, buddy, they already put it in some grenades.
(WREX thinks it over and comes up with some more brilliant advice.)
WREX: We could use these grenades by throwing them at the colonists.
JOHN: Uh-huh. Good work.
JULIANA: So you’ll…
JOHN: Look, I’m not doing it. It’s ridiculous and I really, really want to kill the colonists. One of them was in Deep Space Nine, and that just seemed like a real disappointment to me after Next Gen…
(JANE glares at him.)
JOHN: Okay, okay! Tell you what Jane, we’ll take the magic grenades. Then we can get shot at repeatedly while we try to knock out sixteen people with four grenades, and then we can spend hours clubbing them on the head with our pistols while they shoot the hell out of us from behind, and then when they’re all unconscious we’ll go down the Thorian’s lair and let the guys get back up and seal us in until we all starve to death. How’s that?
JANE: Really? You’ll spare them?
JOHN: No! I was being sarcastic! Let’s show these primates our boomsticks!
(JANE punches JOHN in the face, then detonates one of the gas grenades. JOHN, weakened by the surprise blow, slumps to the floor in a cloud of green gas.)
JANE: The gas works. Chief, you and Wrex carry him back to the Mako.
(They look unhappy, but do what their Commander says.)
JULIANA: Thank you, Command… uh, who are you exactly?
(JANE smiles a winning smile.)
JANE: I’m Commander Jane Shepard, Citadel Sub-Spectre and my brother’s keeper. Just doing my job, ma’am.
(She snaps a sharp salute. The fading sun silhouettes her heroic stance as she limps away toward the Mako.)
JULIANA: What’s a Sub-Spectre?
(LIZBETH shrugs.)
EXT: ZHU’S HOPE CARAVAN PARK: EVENING:
(Fifteen minutes later, WREX and ASHLEY are attempting to revive JOHN. The colonists have all been knocked out, and their unconscious bodies are scattered about. The entrance to the Thorian’s lair has been revealed. JANE lies on the floor near it, moaning softly. Her body armour is riddled with holes, her face is covered with bruises and she has sticky, green zombie-blood all over her. Both her legs are at odd angles with blood and medi-gel covering them.)
JANE: Nobody… said there would be… zombies… Too many different kinds of… zombies in this game. Not enough… grenades! Need more grenades. Come back Carth Onasi… all is forgiven… no more zombies… Rakghouls don’t count…
(Just then, FAI DAN appears, staggering. He clutches a pistol and his shooting arm shakes.)
ASHLEY: Look out, Dan seems desperate!
(JANE looks up to see him, almost delirious with pain. She smiles stupidly.)
JANE: Hi Fai Dan! (She giggles.)
(FAI DAN starts staggering toward ASHLEY, whose gun is trained on his head.)
FAI DAN: I tried to fight it, but it gets in your head! You can’t imagine the pain. I was supposed to be their leader. These people trusted me…
ASHLEY: Uh-huh.
FAI DAN: It wants me to stop you, but… I… won’t! I won’t!
ASHLEY: Good for you.
(FAI DAN shoots himself through the head and falls to the ground.)
JANE: Bye Fai Dan.
(Wrex succeeds in rousing JOHN by slapping his face. He stands up, rubbing the back of his head.)
JOHN: Jane, when we get back you’re gonna be on latrine duty for… (he sees her.) What the hell happened to you, sis?
JANE: So many… zombies…
JOHN: Wow, really? Zombies? No wonder you look so weird.
WREX: We ran out of grenades after the first few colonists, so she kept running into groups of them trying to knock them unconscious. Also we were attacked by hordes of zombies with acid for blood… and also acid for vomit. Pretty much acid for all bodily fluids, in fact. Your sister got the worst of it. And the colonists shot her other leg.
JOHN: Ash, are you okay?
ASHLEY: Fine, sir. Got a little acid on my hand here – it ate right through my glove.
JOHN: That sounds serious. Jane – toss me a pack of medi-gel.
JANE: Only… one pack… left. So much blood…
JOHN: We need it over here, assistant!
(JANE throws a packet of gel over and collapses. JOHN removes ASHLEY’S glove and tenderly applies it to her hand.)
JOHN: How’s that?
ASHLEY: Much better, sir!
JOHN: Okay then. Let’s go. Break’s over, Jane.
(The head down the ramp to the Thorian’s lair. JANE forces herself to her feet and stumbles after them.)
INT: THORIAN LAIR: EVENING:
(By the time they have reached the bottom of the stairs JANE has recovered a little. They enter the Thorian’s chamber cautiously. The room is an enormous hollow carved out of the ground. The Thorian itself is a giant, groaning monster hanging by a series of arms to the wall. It has eyes and a mouth, pointed right at them. The party members are speechless for a moment.)
JANE: The good news is that once we kill it we can upgrade to super missiles, and then we’re off to Brinstar.
JOHN: That does not look like any plant I’ve ever seen.
JANE: Now that you mention it… it’s clearly not a plant. I mean… it has eyes and a mouth. See how it’s breathing deeply and pulsating? Very un-plant-like. And It’s a sentient being, and it’s able to give birth to zombies. So… yeah, it’s actually an animal.
ASHLEY: I dunno, that scientist said it was a planet, and she seemed to be psychic or something.
(The THORIAN begins making deep, throaty noises and moving its head, until a young asari falls out of its mouth, covered in what looks like saliva. She has green skin.)
JANE: See how it has spit and can produce other animals? Plants don’t do that.
ASARI CLONE: Invaders! Your every step is a transgression! A thousand feelers appraise you as meat, good only to dig or decompose.
JANE: Good afternoon. Settle an argument – are you a plant or an animal?
ASARI CLONE (confused): I… I speak for the old growth as I did for Saren. You are within and before the Thorian. It commands that you be in awe.
JANE: We sure are. So… animal or vegetable?
JOHN: Or mineral?
JANE: I think we can be sure it’s not a mineral.
ASARI CLONE: Saren sought knowledge of those who are gone, and he also kept asking if the old growth was an animal or a plant.
JANE: Ha! Small galaxy.
ASARI CLONE: The old growth hears that all the time. Trades were made, then cold ones began killing the flesh that would tend the next cycle. The old growth sees the air you push as lies! It will listen no more!
JANE: I mean, I think it’s an animal because it has a sort of a head. It’s weird.
ASHLEY: Venus fly traps have heads, you know.
JANE: That’s a good point, but…
ASARI CLONE: No more will the Thorian listen to those that scurry! Your lives are short, and have gone on too long! Your blood will…
(WREX uses a biotic push to throw the ASARI CLONE over the ledge she cleverly chose to stand by. She plummets to a juicy, all-natural death.)
ASHLEY: Green blood. That’s a plant giveaway right there.
JANE: I don’t think plants even have blood, do they? They have, like, water or something.
JOHN: Xylem and phloem.
ASHLEY: What does that mean?
JOHN: It has something to do with what you’re talking about. I remember it from science class.
ZOMBIE: Braaaaiiiiiiiins!
(They spin around to see a new battalion of the Thorian’s zombie minions running at them. Quickly they shoot them all, but find their weapons overheated. Although the zombies are defeated, JANE frantically tries to cool her gun.)
JOHN: Wow! These things just explode with green blood! That’s awesome!
JANE: Shut up. I hate zombies. I was really hoping we’d seen the last of them in the colony. There were zombies on Eden Prime, there were zombies in Zhu’s Hope, there were even zombies on Trebin! Goddamn it, why are there so many zombies in this galaxy?
WREX: Excuse me?
JOHN: Jane’s scared of zombies. Has been ever since she was a kid and I made her watch that movie where the zombie gouges out that woman’s eye with a splinter. It’s cool. She was only five years old, so it freaked her out. She had nightmares for years. Of course I was used to seeing that stuff at that age.
JANE: Back on Mindoir it wasn’t a big deal – zombies were make-believe - but once I joined the army and realised that in the rest of the galaxy there were actually zombies all over the place it became a problem. So just… please don’t leave me by myself in here.
(While she was talking JOHN has snuck up behind JANE. He places a hand on her shoulder and laughs as she involuntarily shrieks.)
JOHN (fake British accent): They’re coming to get you, Barbara!
JANE: Shut up or you go over the ledge too.
(JOHN laughs and proceeds up the stairs, followed by ASHLEY. JANE forces her way in front of WREX so she isn’t bringing up the rear. They silently move up the stairs until they see a large tentacle-like-thing. JOHN shrugs and blasts the tentacle until it goes slack.)
WREX: That hurt it – I can tell! A few more of those and it’s in trouble.
(They continue up and reach another limb. It is surrounded by zombies kneeling on the floor, still.)
JANE: Aaugh! What are they doing? Why are they kneeling there?
JOHN: They’re waiting to explode.
(He shoots several bursts from his assault rifle into the zombies, but they have no effect.)
JANE: Invincible zombies?! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Deep breaths, Jane…
ASHLEY: Commander, how come the robot zombies didn’t frighten you this much?
JANE: We were outdoors, chief, but they scared me alright. Stop talking about the zombies.
JOHN: Jane, I hope you didn’t get any of the zombie blood in your eye or anything like that. Because doctor Baynham told me that if that happens, you’ll become a zombie.
(JANE begins frantically rubbing her eyes.)
JOHN: Heheheh!
(Suddenly, another ASARI CLONE, identical to the first, appears, armed with a pistol and shotgun.)
ASARI CLONE: The old growth demands that you do not harm its neural nodes!
JOHN: I bet that’s what happened to her. She’s half-way to zombie town. She’s, like, you in three hours.
JANE: Shut up, shut up, shut up.
(JOHN shoots the clone and shreds the ‘neural node’. Suddenly all the kneeling zombies come to life.)
JOHN: Holy…
JANE: Eep.
(The party get to work on the zombies, killing most of them. One of the zombies seems strangely intelligent and slower moving. During the fight it picks up the asari’s pistol from the floor and wanders off without anyone noticing. Soon JOHN, ASHLEY and WREX have killed all the remaining zombies.)
JANE: Got to concentrate on something… hang on a second…
ASHLEY: Ma’am?
JANE: Did she call these things ‘neural nodes’? That’s idiotic! Are we supposed to believe that the Thorian’s neural network is located in its thin, laboured, poorly-defended arms? What the hell kind of evolutionary process threw that up?
ASHLEY: More evidence for intelligent design.
JANE: Except that this design is extremely unintelligent, chief.
(The cycle of fighting zombies and destroying ‘neural nodes’ continues for hours. Eventually the party reach what they sincerely hope is the last of the nodes. They are exhausted from the constant fighting, and soon find themselves completely surrounded. They fight on, but JANE is separated from the group! She is alone and shaking, waiting for another eave of zombies to find her, until the final ASARI CLONE sees her and aims at her.)
ASARI CLONE: The old growth did not appreciate your Metroid reference, jittery one. The old growth believes there are too many pop-culture references in this chapter. Now you must die.
(The CLONE prepares to fire, and a shot is heard. JANE flinches but it is the ASARI CLONE who suddenly falls dead. Behind her body, we see the escaped zombie from earlier, carrying the first CLONE’s pistol. He offers JANE a stiff, zombie salute, then stumbles away out of sight.)
JANE: …
(As the last of its arms gives way, the Thorian, presumably now brain-dead, loses its grip on the walls and plummets to its death. Smiling, JANE heads down the stairs she came from. At the bottom of these stairs she finds JOHN, ASHLEY and WREX, and yet another asari. This one is the original, and does not have green skin.)
SHIALA: I’m free! I suppose I should thank you for releasing me.
JANE: Oh, don’t go out of your way. We only fought killer zombies for most of the evening.
SHIALA: My name is Shiala. I serve… I served Matriarch Benezia. When she allied herself with Saren, so did I. Benezia saw the influence Saren would have. She joined him to guide him down a gentler path, but Saren is compelling. Benezia lost her way.
JOHN: Oh well, I didn’t realise Saren was ‘compelling’. I guess all his henchmen are off the hook now.
SHIALA: He has an enormous warship – he calls it Sovereign. It can dominate the minds of his followers. I was a willing slave when I arrived here and Saren used my biotics to communicate with the Thorian. Saren sacrificed me to secure an alliance with it. He needed the Cipher.
JANE: What’s the Cipher?
(JOHN strokes his chin and furrows his brow.)
JOHN: I believe it’s a pokémon.
SHIALA: It’s not a pokémon.
JANE: So what is it?
SHIALA: The Cipher cannot be described. It would be like describing colour to a creature without eyes.
JOHN: But what is it, vaguely?
SHIALA: It cannot be described or explained with words. To understand you must have access to ancestral memory – a viewpoint spanning…
(JOHN forces SHIALA against a wall and holds a gun to her head.)
JOHN: Once more – what is the Cipher?
(Completely unfazed, SHIALA continues waffling.)
SHIALA: The beacon on Eden Prime gave you visions, but they were meant for a Prothean mind. To truly comprehend them you must think like a Prothean – you must understand their very existence. The Thorian was here long before the Protheans. It consumed them. It…
JANE: Right, so the Cipher is the Thorian’s collected memories of the Prothean people here on Feros, which allow the visions of the beacon to be translated by the somehow quintessentially different human, turian and asari subconscious.
SHIALA: Oh… uh, I guess… yes. Yes, that’s it precisely. Well done.
(JOHN backs off.)
JANE: Tremble before my linguistic prowess and high-school psychology. For a follow-up, I’m going to describe colour to a creature without eyes, you self-righteous idiot.
JOHN: You gave the Cipher to Saren, you can give it to me. As long as I don’t have to read anything. I probably do, huh? Actually, give it to Jane.
SHIALA: There… is a way. I can transfer my knowledge from my mind to your sister’s, as I did with Saren.
JANE: It’s the Vulcan mind meld!
SHIALA: No, it isn’t. It is an asari technique that spans generations of my ancestry, and it is also a completely original sci-fi / fantasy device.
JANE: Sure it is.
(SHIALA moves closer to JANE, frowning.)
SHIALA: Try to relax.
(SHIALA presses her face close to JANE’s, then her eyes turn black.)
JANE: Aaagh!
SHIALA: Is something wrong?
JANE: Well, you’ve got black eyes and you smell like you’ve been living in a plant for the last few weeks. Kind of hard to relax.
SHIALA: It’s not a plant, it’s an animal. Didn’t you see it had eyes and a mouth? Who told you it was a plant?
JANE: Yes! I win! Okay, now I’m relaxed.
SHIALA: Let go of your physical self. Embrace eternity!
(Suddenly JANE’s eyes lock onto SHIALA’s as she enters a trance. After a few seconds of this slightly homoerotic awkwardness they part, and SHIALA seems faint.)
JOHN: What did you see?
JANE: Do you remember that time when we were kids and we broke the toaster because we filled it up with marmalade?
JOHN: Yeah, it exploded. There were pieces of metal and marmalade everywhere! It was cool.
JANE: Imagine that, and then imagine we put a live king prawn on top of the toaster. That’s what I saw.
SHIALA: It will take time for your mind to process this information. The mind meld is a delicate…
JANE: Told you it was the Vulcan mind meld! Ha ha!
SHIALA: Damn. All right, yes. It’s the exact same thing as the Vulcan mind meld.
ASHLEY: Are you okay, Commander? You look a little queasy.
JANE: Both my legs have bullets in them, I’ve been drenched in acid and beaten senseless, I spent hours in my own personal zombie-based hell, and now I’ve had someone forcing memories into my mind. But I’m okay.
ASHLEY: You are a survivor! What are we going to do with Mystic Meg?
SHIALA: If you allow it, I would like to stay here with the colonists. They have suffered greatly and I would like to make amends.
JOHN: Oh, no, no, no! You change sides too often. I have no choice but to kill you.
JANE: Don’t worry, he says that to everyone. There’s no need to kill her, John.
JOHN: All right, I’ve been patient so far. You wouldn’t let me kill the colonists when they were clawing at the ship. You knocked me out to stop me killing the colonists when they were shooting at us. Now this girl admits to being one of Saren’s followers, has us surrounded by zombies and doesn’t even thank us when we save her life! Damn it, Jane, I’m gonna kill somebody today!
JANE: Chief, do you think we should kill her?
ASHLEY: I actually would like to, but it would be against regulations.
JOHN (through gritted teeth): Okay… fine… but just you wait ’till we get back.
(Led by JOHN, the marines leave the Thorian’s lair, and SHIALA follows.)
EXT: ZHU’S HOPE CARAVAN PARK: NIGHT:
(It is now dark. The party stumbles through the ruined colony while various colonists nurse their heads.)
JANE: If it helps, John, there’s a good chance the colonists will lynch her when she tells them who she is.
(Stepping over zombie limbs, they leave Zhu’s Hope quietly.)
INT: NORMANDY COMMS ROOM: NIGHT:
(In the Communications room onboard the Normandy, all the most interesting crewmembers, and TALI, sit arranged on chairs looking thoughtful.)
KAIDEN: Are you okay, Commander? You look a little pale.
ASHLEY: It’s that damn Cipher! That stupid alien messed the Commander’s head up good! And for no reason – we still don’t know anything about the stupid conduit!
JANE: Ssh. Grown-ups are talking now.
(ASHLEY pulls a face, crosses her legs and eats a cookie.)
KAIDEN: We still have another lead – that asari scientist, Dr Tsoni. She’s an expert on the Protheans, maybe she knows something. I know that’s the vaguest advice that anyone has ever offered to anyone, but I think it still beats Ashley’s contribution.
JANE: I thought it was a positively dreamy suggestion, Lieutenant. We’ll deal with her soon enough. Crew dismissed.
(She stands up, but JOHN meets her gaze.)
JANE: Oh, right. I forgot you’re in command.
(She sits down.)
JOHN: Crew dismissed, except Jane. The back of my head hurts and I’m gonna kill you.
(The rest of the crew leave.)
JOKER (through communicator): I sent off the Feros report, Commander. Do you want me to patch you through to the Council?
JANE: You wrote a report?
JOHN: A damn good report, too. Patch them through, Joker.
(The Council members appear in small, red hologram form.)
CURLY: Commanders, ExoGeni should have told us about the Thorian, or at the very least not allowed it to control the minds of civilians, then attempted to have them all killed.
JANE: Agreed.
CURLY: Being as we are silly adventure movie stereotypes, we believe that you should have spared the Thorian, for the purpose of study, but we won’t get into that. Even we have too much class for that level of cheesiness. At least the colony was saved.
LARRY: Oh yes. I’m sure the Commander would go to any lengths to save a human colony.
JOHN: Not true - in fact I campaigned very, very hard to kill them all. I was stopped by mutiny. It was only my exceptional ability to shrug-off the effects of neurotoxins that allowed me to shoot anyone at all.
LARRY: I suppose we should be thankful for that.
CURLY: Well I think we’ve insulted you enough there. Moe, have you anything to add?
(MOE seems to be snoring.)
CURLY: I thought not. We will be waiting for your next report. And Spectre – make it a little longer next time. It’s not supposed to be a book report.
(The Council members vanish, leaving JOHN and JANE alone.)
JOHN: Now for your punishment, traitor. First thing first – you’re writing the reports from now on. Second, you have to check on our quarian crewman – I don’t like her hanging out in the engine room.
JANE: Tali? Please, no!
JOHN: And that’s just the start.
JANE: Hey, John, come on now. I’ll accept punishment for knocking you out, but do I have to talk to her?
JOHN: You have to listen to every little thing she has to say. Now, soldier!
(JANE leaves the room with her head hanging low.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:18:12 GMT 1
Chapter 9 – Ground Control to Major Kyle
INT: NORMANDY ENGINE ROOM: DAY:
(JANE gingerly walks into the engine room. Chief Engineer ADAMS is at one side of the enormous drive core, and TALI and a CREWMAN are at the other side, talking. All the other engineers are at the other end of the room, hoping to escape. JANE tiptoes across to ADAMS, hoping she will not be noticed. The chief salutes.)
ADAMS: Good morning, Commander. It’s nice to see you in engineering for a change. Seeing as you’re an engineering class and all, I thought you’d want to convene with my team.
JANE: I haven’t had much time, between missions and typing. I figured our newest crewmember would fill in for me?
ADAMS: Tali? Yeah, about that. She’s been spending all of her time down here asking me about our engines.
JANE: Ah yes. I suppose you’re going to congratulate me for bringing her on board because she knows twice as much as your guys?
ADAMS: Congratulate you? No ma’am, I want you to tell her to leave me alone! My men have never sat interrogation training – they can’t deal with the constant anecdotes and excruciating, mundane details about her home!
JANE: Oh. Yes, she does go on. Perhaps I can inflict her on somebody else for a day or two.
ADAMS: I’d appreciate it. I’m losing men here. See that chair kicked over on the floor? I found one of my men tying a noose above it while she told him all about her ‘top ten self-sustaining vent designs.’ Yesterday two men threw themselves into the drive core – she just kept talking.
(ADAMS is shaking a little. JANE steadies him with a hand on his shoulder and approaches TALI. The CREWMAN next to her is listening quietly to one of her stories, his eyes wide and bloodshot and his mouth open. He clutches a revolver with a quivering hand. TALI notices JANE.)
TALI: Hey! Your ship’s amazing, Shepard! I can’t believe you were able to fit a drive core like this into a ship this small!
JANE: Uh-oh…
(The nervous crewman puts down his gun and begins weeping.)
TALI: A month ago I was converting a makeshift fuel-line into a tug-shift for the flotilla…
(JANE’s eyelids become heavy and start to flicker. Her head sways.)
TALI: …Now I’m sitting onboard one of the most advanced vessels in Citadel space. It’s a dream come true for me.
JANE: Boy, you really like to talk about ships. Look, I need to talk to you about the engineers here…
TALI: It comes with being a quarian. Ships are our most valuable resource. But we don’t have anything like this. We just use cast-offs and re-fitted derelicts. Some of our original vessels date all the way back to our flight from our homeworld, which I will now explain in close detail. It all started three-hundred years ago…
JANE: Please… God…
TALI: But I digress. I will get to that in a moment. First we’ll discuss how the migrant fleet acquires various metals. Do you know what materials it takes for us to make a patch for a hull?
JANE: I don’t care, Tali! I never asked you about that!
TALI: Oh. My apologies. Perhaps we could talk about something else. For instance our pilgrimages. You know, that whole thing about difficulties in acquiring raw materials is a great segue into my pilgrimage talk, because…
JANE (exhausted): Please!
TALI: When my people reach maturity, we leave our birth ships and seek acceptance with a new crew. It is necessary to maintain genetic diversity among the fleet. So, to prove our worth we set out on a pilgrimage. We must find a gift to present to the captain of the respective ship we wish to join.
JANE: What sort of gift?
TALI: Well, now that is an interesting question…
JANE: Forget I said it.
(Two hours later.)
TALI: And that’s why it is illegal for quarian parents to have too many children. Let me tell you about the occasions when the rule has been repealed.
(JANE’S pager bleeps in her pocket.)
JANE: Oh thank God!
(TALI cocks her head, confused.)
JANE: Uh, that’s my pager. I’m really happy because, uh, I… thought that I had… lost it. But I have not. It’s here. Uh… in my pocket. So, thank God. For that. Oh, uhm, also… it seems I have to leave! Because of this message here… apparently something is… on fire. I must go to the cargo bay now… to find out what precisely is on fire, and so on. And put it out. Yeah.
TALI: Okay, okay, Shepard! Jeez – I don’t need to hear your life-story.
(Lost for words, JANE turns and trudges out.)
(INT: CARGO BAY: DAY:)
(JANE finds JOHN waiting for her. His arms are folded.)
JOHN: You’re late.
JANE: Yes, I had to go up to top deck, but I didn’t count on the lift being so unbelievably slow.
JOHN: You can fix the lift once we’re done with the crew here. I paged you because I want you to take notes for me while I talk to a few of the men.
(JOHN hands her a notepad and a pen. She frowns.)
JANE: You’re checking up on them?
JOHN: A good Commander always interviews his crew after a mission. You’d know this if you’d received special Spectre training like me.
JANE: Your training was just an extra level-up and a guy offering you special weapons you couldn’t possibly afford.
JOHN: Shut up.
JANE: So, can we talk to Lieutenant Ca… Alenko?
JOHN: You can smile at him and hum ‘Totally Devoted To You’ to yourself later, Jane. I wanna talk to the interesting people, and also Garrus. Did you ever meet that guy who stands next to the door and salutes everyone for a living? He’s cool. You know the guy with the eyepatch? Black with blond hair?
JANE: Steve.
JOHN: I think he was called Eyepatch Jeff. Anyway I already interviewed him. Let’s talk to… this guy over here.
(He strolls over to a young man with a small beard under his chin, stood in the corner. JANE follows.)
JOHN: You there. Who are you and why are you just standing there?
CRAZY EDDIE: Hey Commanders! I’m Eddie. Looking for some extra supplies?
JANE (not understanding): What… what have you got?
CRAZY EDDIE: Whatever you need. I’ve got armour, weapons, mods.
JOHN: The Gunnery Chief gives me all that. Who the hell are you?
CRAZY EDDIE: Why, I’m loveable old Eddie! I’m the fun, crazy member of your party who doesn’t go on missions but is always there with a joke!
JANE: No, that’s Joker. The clue is in the name.
JOHN: Seriously, who the hell are you?
CRAZY EDDIE: I’m the Alliance Requisitions Officer! I’ve got gear available for you here… uh… it’s not standard Alliance issue, but that’s not always a bad thing. Guarunteed to break the ice at naughty parties. As long as you don’t mind paying for it.
(Pause.)
JANE: So… you’re an arms dealer? How did you get onboard?
CRAZY EDDIE: I’m the Alliance Requisition Officer!
JANE: You’re telling me the Alliance is paying some guy in a baseball cap to sell us non-Alliance equipment. Some of our frontline soldiers haven’t attained the rank of ‘officer’ and you get it for privately buying and selling weapons, with an automatic customer base and a salary just for standing there?
CRAZY EDDIE: It’s a great job, ma’am.
JANE: I’m in the wrong business. Are you the best excuse Bioware could come up with for a private shop? I bet I could come up with a better excuse than that! Say… say a shifty, comic-relief Salarian smuggler who we pick up on the Citadel running from C-Sec. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s always getting into amusing scrapes. We take him along in exchange for a discount. He could be called Rijeen… or something. Sure. Rijeen the comedy trader. That would have been a way better character, and I just thought that up right now. Wow. Well, at least you’re a better excuse than Zin Bu the Magic freaking Abacus.
CRAZY EDDIE: Ma’am?
JOHN: Don’t worry, officer, I never know what she’s talking about either. That’s a hell of a weird job you’ve got, but you seem to be registered crew, so you’re dismissed.
CRAZY EDDIE: You bet, Commander.
(They move over to WREX, who shuffles into a tough-guy pose as he sees them.)
WREX: So… we’ve got Saren on the run.
JOHN: Yes we do.
JANE: What? No we don’t! We’re light-years behind him! We don’t know his position or even his objective!
(JOHN and Wrex ignore her.)
JOHN: Oh, we’ve got him on the run all right. Saren can run, but he can’t hide. He’s good, but I’m better.
JANE: What’s wrong with you two?
WREX: ‘Good’? He’s rotten. To the core.
JANE: Jesus…
JOHN: Sweet lines, buddy. Jane, I hope you were writing those down?
(With a sigh, JANE begins writing.)
WREX: Saren’s dangerous. (He pauses for dramatic effect.) I could tell as soon as I met him.
JOHN: I’ll bet he met his end too that… wait, what did you say?
JANE: You met him? Why didn’t you mention this before?
WREX: I would’ve if I thought it was important. I worked for him for a while as a merc.
JANE: Oh yeah, that’s not important at all. Maybe you could tell us where some of his bases of operations are? What kind of work you were doing? Where he recruited you? The names of anyone else in the organisation?
WREX: Inexplicably I don’t remember any of that. But I did get a spooky story out of it. He only showed his face once. I had a really bad feeling about him, so I got the hell out. My instincts were right. Every other merc on that mission turned up dead within a week. Every damn one.
JANE (flat): Terrifying.
JOHN: Cool story, dude. Good work.
WREX: I got more. In one of them I fight a ninja.
JOHN (gasps): Awesome.
(They exchange a cool, ‘street’ handshake, and then the Shepards start walking toward GARRUS. He is typing into a computer next to the Mako on the other side of the room.)
JANE: Why are we interviewing Garrus, exactly?
JOHN: I don’t trust him.
JANE: You don’t trust a caring yet incompetent cop, but you do trust a professional killer who used to work for Saren?
JOHN: I don’t trust turians, period. I don’t know whether they’re supposed to be birds or reptiles or what. They look crazy. Wrex I understand. He’s a frog man. No problem. Salarians, sure, they’re grey aliens. Asari are easy, in all sorts of ways. But what the hell are turians supposed to be?
JANE: They’re bird-reptile-Roman-Klingons. Simple. But I’ll admit, the giant collars confuse me.
(They reach GARRUS. He turns away from his computer.)
GARRUS: So this is what working with a Spectre is like. Constantly typing with no chair in a garage. I admit I’m surprised.
JANE: Maybe we can take you on the next mission. Have you worked with a Spectre before?
GARRUS: Well no, but I know what they’re like. From the movies. Spectres are free to handle things their way. At C-Sec you’re buried by rules. The damn bureaucrats are always on your back.
JOHN: Being a Spectre does have its advantages.
GARRUS: Exactly my point.
JANE: But you can’t just make the rules. It’s not right to abuse your power.
GARRUS: Exactly my feelings, Commander.
JANE: Huh? You’re rather easily swayed, aren’t you?
GARRUS: Exactly.
JOHN: So is that why you left C-Sec – to play outside the rules? Because we’ve all been wondering.
GARRUS: It’s complicated. C-Sec didn’t start out as a bad career, but I got saddled with more and more red tape.
JOHN: I mean… you’re not official crew, you know. We aren’t paying you. I don’t even remember your name most of the time.
GARRUS: Well then maybe I can enjoy a little freedom while I’m here – get things done my way for a change. Without C-Sec headquarters looking over my shoulder.
JOHN: Wow, you’ve got a chip on your shoulder, Gareth. Do you ever not whine about C-Sec restricting you?
GARRUS: I’m sorry. That’s exactly what I do. I guess because of my father. He’s a C-Sec man, through and through. He’s taken my resignation pretty badly. He’s always been so emotionally unavailable. And when I moved to C-Sec I began to see…
JOHN: Save that story. You’re depressing the hell out of me.
GARRUS: I hear that a lot. I blame C-Sec.
JOHN: Let’s go, Jane. Marvin over here has totally spoiled this meet-and-greet thing. Besides, I’m supposed to talk to Admiral Bishop-From-Aliens. He’s got a job for me, and I’ve got a note-taking job for you. C’mon.
(They head back to the elevator and step in. JOHN presses the button and after about three minutes the doors close.)
INT: ELEVATOR: DAY:
(JOHN and JANE have been in the lift for a while. JANE checks her nails and JOHN hums.)
JANE: This lift is so slow. We would have been there now if we had stairs.
JOHN: Quit complaining.
(There is a brief quiet. JANE smirks.)
JANE: At C-Sec the lifts were even slower. They were always trying to slow us down. Here the lifts go our way, and we get to press whatever button we want.
(JOHN laughs, despite himself. They both smile a little.)
INT: NAVIGATION ROOM: DAY:
(The lift doors open very, very slowly. The Commanders jog out of it, toward the galaxy map. They pass a black man with blond hair and an eyepatch. He salutes them very smartly.)
JOHN: How’s it going, Jeff?
EYEPATCH MAN: What?
JANE: Hi Steve. Nice salute.
EYEPATCH MAN: Thanks! I’ve been practicing!
JANE: I guess all those years studying for your saluting degree weren’t a waste of time after all. You show ’em.
EYEPATCH MAN: Thanks. But you know… just once, I’d really like someone to return one of my salutes. One day, I guess. (He sighs heavily.)
JANE: Yeah… good luck Steve. I have to go.
(JOHN steps up to the podium and silences the ringing communicator.)
JOKER (via intercom): Message from Alliance Command, sir. He’s been on hold a while.
JOHN: The lift is incredibly slow.
JANE: I told you it was.
JOKER: Patching it through.
(The gravely, nostalgia-filled voice of Admiral BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS fills the ship.)
BISHOP (via intercomm): Commander, and Commander. We’ve got a mission for you. Major Kyle, your commanding officer at Torfan, has set-up a small compound in the Hawking Eta cluster. He’s attracted a number of biotic followers. He’s an outspoken critic of the Alliance and he’s become mentally unstable, but in an exaggerated, cartoonish fashion.
JOHN: Major who now? I don’t remember him.
BISHOP: You sacrificed his entire platoon for no good reason. And then slept with his wife. You may remember you were facing charges?
JOHN: Doesn’t ring a bell.
JANE: Is it necessary that we deal with this, sir? We don’t want to lose sight of Saren and his army of synthetics.
BISHOP: I prefer the term ‘artificial person.’
JANE: Sorry.
BISHOP: I was hoping Commander Shepard’s experience with the Major would be of use here. Three days ago we sent some Alliance representatives to meet with him at his compound. We believe Kyle and his followers killed them. It’s a cult – and a really stupid, lazily-written one at that. They just wander around muttering all day. I don’t think even they know what he point of it is.
JANE: Sir, could we have some more details on the Major’s mental instability?
BISHOP: It was what happened on Torfan. He was hugely effected by it, and now seems to be fixated on John’s causing the deaths of his soldiers.
JANE: And you’ve decided to send John, of all people, to calm him down.
BISHOP: That’s right.
JANE: How exactly did you rise to the rank of Admiral?
BISHOP: Hey, I was Bishop in Aliens. I get offered all kinds of jobs.
JOHN: So, how permanent a solution are you looking for?
BISHOP: We don’t want this to turn into a massacre. Kyle is dangerous, so use your judgement, but I think it will be very unlikely you can settle this without violence. Bishop out.
(The communicator deactivates and JOHN walks back down to the deck.)
JANE: You know, I am a recognised Alliance negotiator.
JOHN: Then you’re coming along. In fact…
(JOHN stops and thinks for a moment.)
JOHN: You know how you knocked me out yesterday so you could overrule me?
JANE: Yes I do. Tali was a delight, incidentally.
JOHN: I’ve got an idea. Since you’re such a world-class negotiator, why don’t you call the shots? This one time. And we’ll just see what happens. Maybe you’ll end up with a newfound respect for me and next time you won’t incapacitate your commanding officer.
JANE (excited): Really? Can I drive the Mako?
JOHN: Er… no.
JANE: Oh. Okay. Can I pick the shore party?
JOHN: No, I’ll do that. But I… very probably… won’t kill anyone without some kind of say-so, like a nod, or something that looks like a nod…. from you. How about that?
(JANE runs up and hugs him.)
EXT: PRESROP SURFACE: NIGHT:
(It is early evening. On the moon of Presrop, The Mako flies downward fifty feet and smashes onto the ground, landing next to a cliff face. It thunders along, tearing into the rock, toward a small series of buildings. It skids to a halt, clattering into a silo and toppling it. Out climb JOHN, JANE, ASHLEY and WREX.)
JOHN: You know what I hate about uncharted worlds? Trying to drive up really steep goddamn mountains.
JANE: Nice landing, John. Real quiet-like. Look, no offence to Ashley, but why do we always bring these two with us?
JOHN: Who did you want me to bring? Alfonzo, I guess.
JANE: It’s Alenko. And yes. He is a biotic after all, like the cultists.
JOHN: No way. You know what weapon he’s trained in?
JANE: I don’t know – the pistol?
JOHN: No. He is trained in the use of absolutely nothing. Seriously, he has no weapon training. Just the magic spells, and he isn’t even good at those.
JANE: Okay, he’s not our strongest fighter. What about Garrus? We could have brought Garrus.
JOHN: So the cultists can hear a fun lecture all about how hard it was at C-Sec? If we let him talk to them we’ll have a mass suicide on our hands.
JANE: Okay then, maybe we should have brought Ta… yeah, okay, Ashley and Wrex.
(They approach a door. A voice, over an intercom device, greets them.)
CULTIST (via intercom): This is a private sanctuary, reserved for crazy cultists. Please leave or we will burn you in a wicker man, or perhaps something even more unoriginal and over-the-top!
(JANE steps forward with a finger to her lips, looking at JOHN. She speaks calmly and soothingly, demonstrating her excellent negotiation skills.)
JANE: We need to speak to the man in charge. It’s important.
(Already the CULTIST’S voice has soothed a little.)
CULTIST: Father Kyle wants nothing more to do with the Alliance. You are witches! Or something. I don’t know.
JANE: He shouldn’t have killed those investigators. This problem isn’t going to go away. Please, we need to speak with him.
CULTIST (suddenly angry): We won’t let you take Father Kyle away! He protects us! We need him! I want my mommy!
JANE: What?
CULTIST: Ahem… I said he protects us and we need him.
JOHN: All right, fruitcake, listen up! I served with him at Torfan, or so I’m reliably informed. This is your last chance before things get bloody.
CULTIST: Father Kyle will meet with you in the other compound.
JANE: Really? Just like that? Have you asked him?
CULTIST: I do not need to ask! I have a deep, emotional connection with Father Kyle! Stop being mean to me or I shall scream!
(They hear the sound of thumb-sucking as they turn around, shrugging, and walk to the other compound.)
INT: BIOTIC COMPOUND: NIGHT:
(Inside the compound, the party slowly walk through halls filled with crates and people with guns who walk around in circles muttering to themselves. ASHLEY makes an attempt to talk to them.)
ASHLEY: Hi there. We’re looking for Major Kyle.
CRAZY-VOICED WOMAN WALKING IN CIRCLES: Everybody thinks we’re freaks! Just because we have biotics!
JANE: Maybe it’s because you don’t have grammar.
ASHLEY: Uh, where’s Father Kyle?
GINGER MAN WITH ASSAULT RIFLE: Father Kyle says other humans are scared of us because they know we’re better than them!
(The CRAZY PEOPLE walk off.)
JANE: Wow… he’s like a poor man’s Magneto! Let’s just look around until we find him.
(Eventually they find a room with a man who is not walking around weirdly and drooling. This is MAJOR KYLE.)
KYLE: I know you…
(KYLE speaks in a deep, breathy ‘crazy guy’ voice, such as appear in Hollywood films but have never once been used by a genuine psychiatric patient.)
JOHN: Me? Are you sure? I don’t think we’ve met.
KYLE: The butcher of Torfan. Why have you come here, Shepard?
JOHN: Ha! Shows what you know – I was a soldier at Torfan! I’ve never even worked as a butcher in my life!
(JANE whispers something into his ear.)
JOHN: What’s a metaphorical butcher? Is that like a kosher butcher? ’Cause I’m not even Jewish.
(JANE whispers into his ear more urgently.)
JOHN: Oh, that whole thing. (To KYLE) I still don’t recognise you. What happened to those other Alliance officers? The ones who came before me?
KYLE: The ones who came before you… not builders but not of the slave species, they…
(JANE laughs.)
JANE: Good one, Major.
KYLE: I am confused. I meant to say, they wanted to take me away from here. They spoke blasphemy! I did what I could to make their end quick and painless. I had no other choice. It was necessary to demonstrate to everyone that I am crazy, which I am. Completely bonkers. Yup. Ker-ayzay.
JANE: You don’t seem crazy. Just out of breath.
(KYLE shoves two pencils up his nose, and begins hopping on one leg.)
KYLE: Can’t get crazier than that! I am gosh-darn insane. Wibble.
(JANE stares him down. He stops hopping.)
KYLE: Uhm… you got me. I’m not actually crazy. I’m just really, really stupid. And I do have post-traumatic stress-disorder, but, you know… that doesn’t really cause you to speak in a silly voice and murder people.
JANE: No, it doesn’t. Major Kyle, I am placing you under arrest for your clichéd and insultingly-bad attempt to portray the mentally ill, and to a lesser extent for murdering those people.
ASHLEY: Are you even a biotic?
KYLE: No. I just picked up these idiots and started preaching to them. All right, I will come quietly.
JANE: Okay, here’s how we do this. We’ll leave, and you explain the situation to your followers. Then we’ll have some supper. Then you leave the compound and wait for an Alliance escort to pick you up. Then we go to bed. Then you surrender yourself and make sure your followers don’t attack the escort.
JOHN: I’ve been keeping pretty quiet so far, sis, but that is the stupidest arrest I ever heard of.
ASHLEY: For one thing, he could escape while he’s waiting for the escort. For another, why don’t we just pick him up? For a third, he could escape while he’s waiting the several hours it will take for the escort to arrive.
JANE: Guys, I’m an infiltrator. I’ve done this a hundred times. I know how to deal with situations like this.
JOHN: How about we shoot him?
(WREX and ASHLEY murmur approvingly.)
JANE: Johnny, c’mon. Trust me.
(JOHN meets her eyes.)
JOHN: All right. This one time we do things your way.
(JANE grins widely.)
JANE: Thanks.
JOHN: If you’re wrong, you have to make my coffee.
JANE: You know how I feel about making you coffee.
JOHN: If you’re right, we share leadership.
JANE: Done.
(They file out.)
JANE: Remember now, Major – no escaping!
KYLE: Whatever you say. I’ll just wait here to be arrested and make no attempt to leave using one of the many off-planet transports we obviously have in order to obtain food and water.
JANE: Atta boy. You’re doing the right thing, Major.
(She turns and leaves.)
EXT: PRESROP SURFACE: NIGHT:
(The Mako has climbed back to the top of the unnecessarily steep mountain. It stops for a moment on a flat surface. Inside, the party talk about the mission.)
JOHN: You know, that was pretty weird that we just left them there, but I gotta admit, sis, it was amazing that nobody got hurt.
JANE: Well, it’s all about establishing trust. You see…
(In the background, three of four spaceships take to the sky at extraordinary speed. They seem to be launching from close to the biotic compound. In a few seconds they have disappeared in the night sky.)
JANE: I’ll tell Joker to put the kettle on.
(The Mako’s engines start up and it rolls down the mountain’s other side.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:21:57 GMT 1
Chapter 10 - Liara Tsoni and the Mining Tunnels of Doom
INT: NORMANDAY NAVIGATION ROOM: DAY:
(JANE stands over the Galaxy Map, looking carefully at four star systems. Navigator PRESSLEY is there too, pointing as he explains. JOHN stands behind the map in his bath robe again, sipping loudly from a fresh cup of coffee and winking a lot.)
JANE: So this is the Artemis Tau cluster.
PRESSLEY: Yes ma’am, though we have no idea where Dr Tsoni might be within the cluster, I have for some reason narrowed it down to these four systems.
JANE: Interesting. They make a square.
PRESSLEY: That’s why I picked them. I thought it looked neat. Let me zoom into them and show you.
(The first system seems to expand and we see its star and planets in close detail.)
PRESSLEY: This is Athens.
JOHN: Check it out – one of these planets is called Salamis! Heh heh heh… salamis.
PRESSLEY: Yessir, this system’s naming committee was sponsored by Oscar Meyer.
JANE: Also one is called Nausicaa – like the animé… no? No-one see that? At all? Okay, never mind.
PRESSLEY: The next system is Knossos. You’ll notice a Greek theme.
JANE: What’s this planet here?
(PRESSLEY presses a few buttons and the image zooms in on the planet Therum.)
JANE: Says here this planet has Prothean ruins. Could be a good place to look for our Prothean expert.
PRESSLEY: Good work, ma’am! I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the right place! Anyway, let me show you the other two. This system is Macedon, nothing interesting here, and this final system i…
JANE: This… is… Spartaaaaaaa!
(Jane smiles but no-one reacts. PRESSLEY shakes his had sadly.)
PRESSLEY: That’s just… Commander, that’s just awful. That’s not a new movie anymore, it’s not exactly an original reference… it’s not even funny. Commander, was this entire Galaxy Map sequence just an excuse for you to make that terrible joke?
JANE: Well I… also wanted to find Dr Tsoni… but mainly the Sparta thing, yeah.
PRESSLEY: My job is meaningless. I’ll go now, and cry about the futility of my character.
JANE: Pressley, I’m sorry. Look, I have been meaning to talk to you for a while – get your opinions on the mission and the new crew. Let’s make your coming down here worthwhile.
PRESSLEY: You really wanted to talk to me?
JANE: I really did.
PRESSLEY: Well, if anyone has to take over from Captain Anderson I’m glad it’s you two. I’m not sure about having non-humans on our ship, though.
JANE: Ah yes, I forgot that you’re some kind of terrifying Fascist.
PRESSLEY: That’s right, ma’am. These aliens are taking all of our jobs, don’t you know!
JANE: Geez, Pressley… we’re all on the same team here.
PRESSLEY: With all due respect, ma’am, that’s what they said about Nihilus. Look how that turned out.
JANE: What? That doesn’t even make sense. Nihilus was on our side. The enemy killed him because he scouted ahead. How does that relate in any way to your point?
PRESSLEY (nervous): Taking… all… of… our jobs.
JOHN: They really are taking all of our jobs. I’ve met quite a lot of aliens, so that means my half-assed opinions about them are accurate and generalisable. They’re all freaks and except for Wrex, I hate them. Now Pressley, let’s set a course for whatever planet you said we should go to first, so that I can score with that hot asari doctor!
(JANE rolls her eyes as she leaves them to it and heads to her quarters. She passes Steve the EYEPATCH MAN. He salutes and she smiles. After she’s gone, Steve sighs deeply.)
EXT: THERUM SURFACE: DAY:
(It is a cloudy day on the orangey, rocky world of Therum. The Normandy speeds across the sky, dropping the Mako which falls hundreds of feet downward until it crashes loudly on the jagged rocks. There are cries of distress from inside.)
JOHN: Aaargh!
ASHLEY (pained): Too young… for a hernia!
(Next to the Mako we see some metal bridges leading into caves cut into the rocks.)
JANE: Wow, those caves look exactly like the ones we found on Trebin. Weird.
(There is a beeping sound. JOHN seems confused, so JANE slaps his ear hard.)
JOKER (through intercom): Commanders, I’m picking up some strange readings. Really strange, like off the damn chart. It looks like it’s coming from an underground complex a few klicks away from the dropzone.
JANE: What readings? What chart? What direction? What does any of that mean?
JOKER: It’s… it’s ominous!
JANE: It’s ominous that that’s your idea of helping us. What kind of readings are you talking about?
JOKER: Oh, Commander, you’re breaking up. Signal’s cutting off. Breaking nano-parameters… uh, interstellar drive plates are, uhm… ah, screw it.
(The intercom cuts off.)
JANE: Damn it, Joker! Okay people, we’d better be careful to watch out for ominous things and things that might be off charts of some kind.
(After a while, the party have decided their spines are still in one piece, and they start driving. Eventually a geth dropship drops two geth armatures onto the ground, and under ASHLEY’S direction, the Mako’s guns break them quickly.)
KAIDEN: Wow, my first ride in the Mako! It’s great! Thanks for bringing me along, Commanders.
JOHN: Shut up, Kenickie. You’re only here because we needed room for Dr Tsoni and Wrex is too big.
KAIDEN: Understood, sir.
JANE: Ignore him, Kenny. I’m sure your not-inconsiderable skill with biotics and basic tech skills and… competence… with a pistol will come in handy. Not to mention your ability to… uh… wear light armour.
JOHN: Yeah, he’s a passable engineer, a basic biotic and a half-assed marksman all rolled into one.
KAIDEN: My name is Kaiden, by the way.
JANE: Damn it. Sorry. I don’t know why I keep forgetting it.
KAIDEN (dispirited): Really, it’s okay. Just call me Carth, or anything else you can think of that begins with a C or a K.
JOHN: Hey, has anyone used ‘Carlos, yet?’
KAIDEN: I don’t think so.
JOHN: Remind me to call you that next time I give you an order, Cobra Commander.
(The Mako trundles on.)
ASHLEY: Sir, do you have a minute to talk?
JOHN: Is it duty-related, Chief?
ASHLEY: No sir. Well, maybe. I’m concerned about the aliens – Vakarian and Wrex.
JOHN: Who’s Vakarian?
JANE: Vakarian is Garrus. The whiny one.
JOHN: Right, right. Carry on.
ASHLEY: I don’t think we should give them free-range to poke around the vital systems.
JOHN: I don’t like it either. But apparently it’s ‘against regulations’ to interrogate them and lock them in the sleeper cabinets for the whole trip.
(He glares at JANE.)
JANE: Not you too, Williams! Is there anyone on this crew who isn’t a racist of some kind?
KAIDEN: Well… I’m not. And I think Steve the eyepatch guy isn’t. But that’s about it.
JANE: Three of us. My God.
ASHLEY: With respect, Commander, we should rely on ourselves. Humanity I mean.
JANE: How do you get from relying on ourselves to mistreating our allies?
ASHLEY: I don’t mean mistreat them, it’s just… look, if you’re fighting a bear and the only way for you to survive is to sic your dog on it and run, you’ll do it. As much as you love your dog, it isn’t human.
(There is a long pause.)
JANE: What the hell?!
JOHN: I don’t get it.
ASHLEY: It’s not racism, really. It’s just…
JANE: Yes! Yes it is racism! Just because you use a metaphor the meaning doesn’t change! If you say, ‘If we were tabby cats, then it would have been totally okay to enslave the other cats’ it still counts as racism!
ASHLEY: Wait – you don’t understand…
KAIDEN: Are we the guy with the dog, or are we the dog?
ASHLEY: We’re the dog.
JANE: Oh, then it’s not that bad. But it’s still not good! Remind me to never, ever discuss anything other than the mission with anyone. I hate you all.
KAIDEN: You’d think people would be a little more tolerant of others in this day and age. I guess stupidity and ignorance will never go out of style.
JANE: Except Carlos. I don’t hate him. (Pause.) I mean Kaiden! I meant Kaiden.
ASHLEY: I’m sorry to have brought it up, Commanders. It won’t be a problem. If you say jump, I’ll say ‘how high?’ If you order me to kiss a turian, I’ll ask which cheek.
(JOHN grins like an idiot.)
JOHN: Would you kiss anyone I ordered you to?
(JANE grins a little too.)
JANE: Kaiden, would you wear an orange jacket if I ordered you to?
(Before either can answer, a bolt of blue energy flies past them. It is another geth armature! ASHLEY shoots it down and they continue until the find a small valley. They see a metal gate, in front of which are three gun turrets. There is also an unknown alternate route to the right.)
ASHLEY: This route’s a no-go. They have height and cover!
KAIDEN: I don’t think we can take that strongpoint head-on!
ASHLEY: I just said that.
JANE: I don’t like to keep disagreeing with you Chief, but they don’t have height or cover. We have cover – they have a wall which they can’t climb over and three gun turrets. I mean, we just shot down three armatures – I’m sure we can handle some turrets.
JOHN: Shut up, assistant. We’re taking the Chief’s advice. We’ll take that other route.
(They do, and find a turret, which they dispatch easily.)
JANE: See, doing that three times wouldn’t have been too difficult.
(The Mako continues onward until it finds itself in a small, makeshift geth base. Using the rocket launcher the party is able to remove the handful of geth troops. They disembark.)
JOHN: Looks like there are two buildings here. There can’t be many geth left inside. We’ll split into two teams.
(They all look at each other and immediately split.)
JOHN: Let’s go, Ash.
(They each turn around and enter their respective structure. Two minutes later, two large metal gates blocking their way open and then both teams come back and meet up at the Mako.)
JOHN: So, what happened with you two?
JANE: We walked in, turned a corner, shot a standard geth, opened a crate and pressed a button to bring a gate down.
JOHN: We did the exact same thing. Man, it’s a good thing there are two of us, so that we didn’t have to do that same exact thing twice. That would have been boring as all hell, right?
JANE: Yes, thank goodness.
(They all laugh at the absurdity of the concept, then pile into the Mako.)
INT: THERUM MINE: DAY:
(The team are now on foot, having ditched the Mako and entered a series of mining tunnels. They proceed through the tunnels, taking lifts and shooting geth while absolutely nothing funny happens. Eventually they see a Prothean structure with large, force-field-guarded windows. ASHLEY and KAIDEN say something, but very quietly and behind the Commanders’ backs.)
JOHN: What did you two say?
ASHLEY: Well, if you weren’t listening, we’re certainly not going to repeat it.
JANE: That’s odd. I hope it wasn’t important.
(After taking a broken lift the party reach the floor and hear a timid voice.)
LIARA: Uh… hello? Can somebody trigger my cut-scene? Please?
(Turning around, JOHN and JANE see an attractive young asari suspended in midair by a field of energy, and behind another blue force-field. Like all doctors and archaeologists, she wears a tight-fitting rubber costume.)
LIARA: Can you hear me out there? I’m trapped – I need help!
JANE: Doctor Tsoni, I presume?
LIARA: Yes. Nice reference.
JANE: Actually that one wasn’t one of mine – it was in the script.
LIARA: Oh well, that’s good too. Listen – this thing I’m in is a Prothean security device. I can’t move, so I need you to get me out of it, all right?
JOHN: Are you talking about the force-field or the rubber catsuit and dress?
LIARA: Very funny. As it happens I just enjoy wearing rubber. That sort of thing is perfectly culturally acceptable where I come from.
JANE: Yeah, that’s fine, really, but this is a hot planet! How uncomfortable are you?
LIARA: The heat is annoying, but strangely I find the constriction of this force-field bubble quite enjoyable.
JANE: That’s not a huge surprise.
LIARA: Please, I’m a main character in this but we’re half-way through the entire thing and I still haven’t joined the party. Let me out of here!
JANE: How did you even end up in there?
LIARA: I… this place fascinated me. My scanning equipment reported strange readings. Some of them were really strange, and in one case, even off the chart! Also I saw a button marked ‘movement inhibitor’ and I got curious. Please, let me out!
JOHN: All right, all right. We’ll see what we can do.
LIARA: You will need to get behind the barrier curtain – then you can shut it off. But I do not know how you will reach me. Be careful – there is a krogan with the geth. He keeps spouting really stupid action-movie dialogue at me, and he sounds ridiculous.
JANE: Wow, they all do that? No wonder the turians tried to wipe them out. We’ll be back soon. Stay where you are. (She smiles.) Or I’ll spank you.
(LIARA frowns. The party head away from her, looking for ideas. A couple of geth appear and JOHN and ASHLEY shoot them down quickly while JANE and KAIDEN are still activating their ‘marksman’ ability.)
JOHN: Thanks for the support, you two. Now let’s see if you two ‘engineers’ can’t find a way around the other side of the building she’s stuck in.
JANE: It doesn’t look like we can deactivate the barrier curtain. Maybe we have to go back outside and find another entrance.
KAIDEN: Commander, look at this!
ASHLEY: What’s up, LT?
KAIDEN: Look here.
(He points to an enormous drum-like object with a funnel pointed directly beneath LIARA. On it is written ‘Rockmelter 3000’ and there is a four-button console marked ‘Mining Laser Controls’)
KAIDEN: Maybe we could use this enormous mining laser aimed right where we need to go, and only a few feet away from where we started looking.
JANE: It’s just crazy enough to work. Let’s see if we can’t…
(She approaches the console and examines its screen.)
JANE: It’s no good – there’s a security lock on it. We’d have to crack the code to use it.
KAIDEN: Damn. It could be any one of millions of combinations.
JANE: Well, no. There are actually only four buttons. They’re all brightly coloured and have letters of the alphabet on them.
KAIDEN: Oh, well the still could have… tens of combinations… it might take a while.
JANE: They… I don’t believe this. They light up green if you press them in sequence. Apparently this is some sort of Fisher Price ‘Baby’s First Giant Mining Laser’.
(She spends twenty laborious seconds cracking the code until the laser blasts a perfectly shaped hole into the wall beneath LIARA, revealing a path. JOHN whistles and scratches his head.)
JOHN: You and your computer wizardry, huh? Man. I’ll never know how you figured out that lock. Okay, let’s move out.
(They head into the tunnel and find a tiled Prothean floor. Curiously, there is a large bump across the centre of the entire floor, forcing the party to walk on either side. They then take a lift and approach LIARA from behind.)
LIARA: How… how did you get in?
JANE: Gee doctor, didn’t you see? We had a giant mining laser? You were directly facing us.
LIARA: My mind was on something else. Now please get me out of here before more geth arrive.
(JOHN does so. LIARA falls to the floor and both Shepards rush to pick her up. For a moment, both seem a little confused. They shake it off but KAIDEN and ASHLEY look unhappy.)
KAIDEN: Any idea how we get out of this place?
JOHN: How about the way we came in? Idiot.
JANE: No, the elevator broke, remember?
JOHN: Oh yeah. I wondered what the point of that was.
LIARA: As luck would have it there is another elevator that will lead us directly out just through the other door.
JANE: Great. Let’s go.
(They start moving.)
JANE: Doctor, why is it that these floors have those high ridges in the middle?
LIARA: Well, it’s a Prothean floor. They were bow-legged.
JANE: I didn’t know that.
(They enter the elevator and it begins to rise.)
LIARA: I wonder what would make the geth come after me. Do you think Benezia is involved?
JOHN: I’ve got news for you. Your mother is an evil sidekick to a rogue Spectre trying to take over the galaxy. She’s Muttley to Saren’s Dastardly. Beebop and/or Rocksteady to his Shredder.
JANE: Evil Lyn to his Skeletor. That one is much more appropriate.
JOHN: You always gotta go one better, don’t you?
LIARA: I have no idea what either of you are talking about.
KAIDEN: You’re a Prothean expert. Saren probably wants you to help him find the Conduit.
(Suddenly they hear crumbling rock and the lift shaft shakes a little.)
LIARA: These ruins are not stable.
JANE (quietly, to herself): Well I’m glad you’re here to tell us these things. Plug the professor into the back…
LIARA: The mining laser must have triggered a seismic event.
(JOHN punches his ear.)
JOHN: Ow! Too hard. Joker, get the Normandy positioned to pick us up.
JOKER (via intercom): Aye aye, sir. ETA eight minutes.
(The lift rises slowly.)
INT: PROTHEAN CHAMBER: DAY:
(The elevator leads into a large chamber with a door at the end. An armed krogan, accompanied by a multi-coloured selection of geth, approaches casually.
LIARA: Be warned, he will use silly lines.
KROGAN: Surrender. Or don’t. Might be more fun that way.
(JOHN steps forward, putting a hand on JANE’S shoulder.)
JOHN: This is my arena. Wrex has taught me well.
JOHN: Hey, you. There a reason you’re in my way?
KROGAN: The same reason you’re here – the asari. Thanks for getting rid of those energy fields for us.
JOHN: Oh, you’re welcome……… you… ass.
(The KROGAN laughs quietly.)
KROGAN: Hah. Your lines are nothing next to those of a Krogan Insult Master.
JOHN: How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
JANE: Is this really necessary? The place is coming down around our ears!
KROGAN: The atmosphere is perfect. Kill them. Try and spare the asari. Naw, doesn’t matter.
(The geth ready their guns, but the KROGAN gets the attention of the geth leader and signals for him to stop.)
KROGAN: Actually, you know what – it does matter. I’m under orders. The asari is the daughter of Saren’s second in command, and also we came all the way out here just to take her alive. So, yeah. It matters. Spare the asari.
(The geth nods and straightens his aim.)
KROGAN: In fact, if you could make particularly sure she isn’t harmed? She may be the only way to find the conduit. With hindsight, I’d say she’s actually very important. Okay?
(The geth stares at him.)
KROGAN: So… be careful. All right, go.
(A fire fight breaks out but is over quickly. Impressively, LIARA uses her biotic powers to shield herself from some of the stray bullets, pushes a geth into a wall and lifts the KROGAN into the air at one point. Clearly she has seen a few fights. Once the Krogan has been killed, twice for some reason, the heroes catch their breath. Ceiling tiles fall near JANE’s feet.)
JANE: We’ve got to get out of here, and in minutes! Doctor – you’re a professor-slash-archaeologist and this is a crumbling mine, so no doubt our escape will be an exciting, trap-filled climax to our adventure! I guess this stuff happens to you all the time?
LIARA: No, never. Usually I just land, look around, take some samples, tie myself to my desk and theorise on the Protheans.
JANE: Do you wear an unusual hat?
LIARA: I do not wear hats.
JANE: Okay, but maybe a giant boulder will chase us, or we’ll have to fight some Nazis…
(JANE looks over at ASHLEY, about to make a joke, then thinks better of it.)
KAIDEN: Or maybe we’ll even have a mine cart chase!
JANE: Oh that would be even better! Because it’s a mine!
ASHLEY (pointing): Or, we could just run out of that door and then we’ll be outside and everything will be okay.
JANE: I guess…
(They run out of the door.)
EXT: PROTHEAN WALKWAY: DAY:
(They find themselves outside. Everything is okay.)
JANE: Oh. Yay for us.
INT: NORMANDY COMMS ROOM: DAY:
(An hour later, JOHN, JANE, ASHLEY, KAIDEN, GARRUS, WREX, TALI and LIARA are gathered in the Communications room. They are now in casual dress, except for LIARA who is still wearing her rubber scientist costume. As she carefully sits down on a leather chair there is an awkward squeaking sound.)
JOKER (via intercomm): Too close, Commanders. Any more time and we’d have been swimming in molten lava. The Normandy’s not equipped to land in exploding volcanoes – they tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull!
LIARA: Did I miss the part when we were in an exploding volcano? Was that before you found me?
JANE: No, sometimes Joker says things that make no sense at all. It’s a coping mechanism.
JOHN: Joker pulled our asses out of there. I think he’s earned the right to a few bad jokes.
GARRUS: What about the writer of this nonsense? When did he save our lives?
JANE: He didn’t. But we just can’t stop him.
LIARA: Nothing of what you are saying makes any sense to me. It must be a human thing. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with members of your species.
KAIDEN: What do you know about the conduit?
(Oddly, LIARA rubs her bottom against the chair as she answers. No, really. Maybe she has an itch.)
LIARA: Only that is somehow connected to the Prothean extinction. I have spent the past fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them.
JANE: I’ve got my own theory on why the Protheans disappeared. It involved marmalade…
LIARA: With all due respect I have heard every theory out there, including Hal’tella’s famous ‘marmalade flood’ hypothesis. The problem is that the Protheans left no evidence behind. It is almost like someone didn’t want any record of them to remain – like someone cleansed the galaxy of them.
JANE: Almost like that? It sounds like it is actually like that.
LIARA: Well… yes, yes it is.
GARRUS: Exactly.
LIARA: The really interesting thing is that the Protheans do not seem to have been the first. The galaxy is built on a cycle of extinction – each time a great civilisation rises up it is violently cast down. Only ruins survive. The Protheans rose up from a single world, yet even they climbed to the top on the remains of…
JANE: Oh, I get it! Pro-theans. Pro-me-thean. Promethus. Wow, that is god-awful.
(There are murmurs of understanding and ‘oh yeah’s from around the room.)
JANE: They were wiped out by a race of sentient machines, called the Reapers.
LIARA: Reapers, huh? Like the Grim Reaper? You have to admit ‘Protheans’ is better than that! At least mine references Greek mythology. Yours is just schoolgirl Christianity.
JANE: It’s a stupid name, but it’s true. There was a damaged beacon on Eden Prime. It burned a vision into my brain. I’m still trying to figure out what it means.
LIARA: That makes sense! But the beacons were not programmed to interact with human physiology.
JANE: The vision is still just a marmaladey mess, even after I got the cipher.
LIARA: The cipher? This was something another asari did to you? (She stands.) Commander, with your permission I would like to try something. You were touched by the beacon but the visions are locked away inside your mind. One of my people gave you a deeper understanding of the visions, but you still cannot put all the pieces together. I might be able to…
JANE: Do you mean a Vulcan mind meld?
(Pause.)
LIARA: You’re already familiar with the mind meld?
JANE: Yeah.
JOHN: Yup.
ASHLEY and KAIDEN: Uh-huh.
WREX: We all know about the mind meld.
TALI: What’s the mind meld? Why does nobody talk to me about this stuff?
LIARA: Okay. So, how about a mind meld?
JANE: Sure.
(LIARA steps closer to JANE.)
LIARA: Relax, commander. Embrace eternity, et cetera, et cetera.
(LIARA and JANE do the mind meld thing. Everyone but TALI is familiar with it by now.)
TALI: Oh my God! Her eyes just turned black! What the hell is going on?!
GARRUS: Relax, it’s just the Vulcan mind meld. All asari can do it. They’re reading each other’s minds.
TALI: Oh. Okay, if you say so.
(The mind-meld ends and both participants’ bodies relax. LIARA is out of breath.)
LIARA: That was… incredible. All this time, all my research… I never dreamed that… I’m sorry, the images are so vivid. You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. What you have seen would have destroyed a lesser mind!
JANE: Really? Seeing a prawn and some orange stuff can destroy a mind? Okay. This time the vision was more clear. I saw guys holding their arms up… metal landscapes, big pieces of intricate machinery… it was like a collection of heavy metal album covers. Maybe the Reapers were a metal band…
LIARA: Saren was looking for me to translate the beacon’s message, but the image is incomplete. Find the mission portion and I am confident that I can put all the missing pieces together.
JOHN: We’ve already got every other non-human species on board. Welcome to the team, Liara. Your bedroom’s next to mine.
(Suddenly LIARA puts a hand to her forehead. She dramatically sighs.)
LIARA: Ooooh! I am feeling a bit light-headed. It is probably mental exhaustion, coupled with the shock of discovering the Protheans’ true fate, and to a lesser extent a problem of blood circulation caused by these pants. Strangely this has affected my acting skills, but I am sure I will be fine. Are we finished here, Commander?
JOHN: We’ll talk again after you’ve seen the doctor. The rest of you, dismissed.
(Everyone leaves.)
INT: COCKPIT: DAY:
(Later that day, JANE enters the cockpit to see JOKER. He is typing away, as usual.)
JOKER: I prefer gold to silver, y’know, for my medal. I figure you’d recommend me for one since I pulled your boots outta the fire?
(JANE laughs quietly.)
JOKER: So, Commander, why don’t you tell me why you’re really here?
JANE: I like to know my crew. And you’re voiced by Seth Green, so I figured you’d have a well-acted and funny backstory.
JOKER: I can see where this is going. You did a background check on me, didn’t you? I’ll tell you the same thing I…
JANE: Whoah! I know you have Vrolik syndrome. Obviously I read your file.
JOKER: Oh, okay then. Sorry. Yeah, I have Vrolik syndrome.
JANE: So… why do they call you Joker? Is it because you tell a lot of jokes?
JOKER: Yeah, pretty much.
(They nod to each other, unsure what to say.)
JANE: Great backstory, Joker. Off the damn chart.
(JANE leaves. JOKER continues typing.)
(INT: NAVIGATION ROOM: DAY:)
(JANE is on her way to the cargo bay. She stops by Steve, the EYEPATCH MAN. He salutes her smartly.)
JANE: Nice salute.
EYEPATCH MAN: Thank you, ma’am. Permission to speak freely?
JANE: Granted.
EYEPATCH MAN: Do we need another alien on board, ma’am? You know, they’re taking all of our jobs.
(JANE’S eyes widen with horror.)
JANE: Oh, come on! Not you too, Steve! When will it end?
(She leaves with drooped shoulders.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:23:57 GMT 1
Chapter 11 – Fly Me to the Moon
INT: NORMANDY MEDICAL BAY: DAY:
(The next morning, LIARA has set up a little office in the medical bay’s back room, and is reading some old Prothean anthropology papers. She has the lighting at a romantic low level. JANE walks in and blinks a couple of times. She approaches LIARA from behind.)
JANE: Is something wrong with the lights? I know this used to be the storeroom, so maybe…
(LIARA grabs some candles from the desk and bundles them into a drawer.)
LIARA: No, Shepard, I… uh… set the lights low like this to help me read.
JANE: It’s so dark… I can’t even see these papers.
(LIARA stands up and spins around.)
LIARA: You look like there is something you wish to ask me?
JANE: Maybe we could pick up where we left off yesterday, after the debrief. You were telling me about your interest in the Protheans.
LIARA: Actually, I think I was talking about my interest in you, and making a fool of myself in the process. As I said I am not used to dealing with…
JANE: Liara, relax! You said you found me fascinating, I said you sounded like you wanted to dissect me – it was a bad joke – I tell a lot of them – you misunderstood and I explained. That is all. It’s got to be one of the least complex social situations I’ve ever been in.
LIARA: Yes but… I have come to understand you better, overnight somehow. I did not know much about your species. You seemed so rushed and high-strung.
JANE: You’ve never met a turian or a salarian? They’re short-lived too.
LIARA: Yes, well... the point is that people like you must change the galaxy’s minds about humans. There is a reason the Council chose you to become a Spectre…
JANE: I’m not actually a Spectre. John is. I just work for him. They chose me because I have security and computer skills and John still uses floppy disks.
LIARA: Please, stop interrupting me with your niggling details. I’m trying to say something.
JANE: Sorry. After eleven chapters it’s become a habit.
LIARA: I read your files last night, and I know about Akuze, and your parents, and your appearances on The Weakest Link and Survivor. The fact that you survived all this demonstrates a remarkable strength.
JANE: You didn’t have to go behind my back, Liara. I would have told you all about that.
LIARA: Perhaps, but… (her head drops) I also read your diary and followed you around for two hours.
JANE: Oh… kay… that is kinda weird. Strangely the tilted head makes it impossible for me to be mad at you. I feel funny.
(JANE frowns to herself. LIARA takes advantage by widening her eyes cutely and using a quiet, vulnerable voice.)
LIARA (cute voice): I wanted to know more about you.
JANE: Obviously.
LIARA: I wanted to know what made you into the woman you are.
(Subtly, the supposedly innocent LIARA switches from cute voice to sexy voice.)
LIARA (sexy voice): There is something compelling about you, Shepard.
(JANE looks on, not understanding, for a moment. Suddenly her lips purse slightly and her eyebrows jump up.)
JANE: Oh…!
LIARA: Yes.
JANE: Uhm…
LIARA: Indeed.
JANE: So yesterday, when you said I was an ‘interesting specimen’ you meant…
LIARA: Right.
JANE: Wow. Now I feel very funny indeed. And not in the usual, ‘clever film references’ sort of way.
LIARA: What?
JANE: Liara, is it me you’re interested in or my visions?
LIARA: I admit, my initial interest in you was to do with my Prothean studies, but it has grown beyond that.
JANE: When? We just met yesterday… hey, now who’s rushed and high-strung?
LIARA (sexy voice with sexy smile): You intrigue me, Shepard, but I was not sure if it was appropriate to act on my feelings. I thought there might already be a relationship between you and Lieutenant Alfresco.
JANE: Alonso. I mean… well, it’s Al-something…
LIARA: Whatever.
JANE: Right. Now, you know I’m usually pretty liberal and cool, so I don’t want this to sound prejudiced, but I would just like to point out that we’re both women. Mindoir was a church town.
LIARA: We asari are mono-gendered, Commander. ‘Male’ and ‘female’ do not have any real meaning for us.
JANE: Oh, that’s much better then.
LIARA: I am sorry if this is awkward for you. I feel as though we share a type of… connection.
JANE: Could be a Force bond. I’ve had relationship problems with those in the past. I should be much more careful who I share visions with…
LIARA: But none of this matters if you are already involved with Lieutenant Aljolson.
JANE: Look, Liara, maybe we do share some kind of connection. This is something I will have to give careful thought to after the mission is done, but for the time being, I’m straight. And yeah, Kay… Krelman… whatever-his-name-is is special.
LIARA: Still, I feel as if there is also some attraction between us, Shepard.
JANE: Wow… are you suggesting…? I know there was that scene in Jade Empire… but I don’t see that happening here. (Pause) You really mean it?
(LIARA nods and does all manner of sexy looks.)
JANE: I don’t think Kaiden would… that’s it, Kaiden… would be up for it. I should go.
LIARA: Very well. This is very embarrassing for me.
JANE: Understood. By the way, are you still wearing that rubber thing?
LIARA: After the excitement on Therum I have had some trouble getting out of it, Commander. (Sexy voice) Perhaps you could…
(JANE leaves in a hurry.)
JANE: We just met yesterday, Liara!
LIARA: Damn.
(INT: CREW MESS: DAY:)
(In the crew mess KAIDEN is stood by his bright yellow screen, as usual, getting a good tan from it and carefully adjusting his hair. He uses a ruler to measure his sideburns, but stops when he sees JANE approaching, her face screwed-up in confusion and her eyes on the floor. KAIDEN brushes his hand over his forehead.)
KAIDEN: Do you have some time to talk now, Commander?
JANE: Yes. That is… uh, yeah. Have a seat.
KAIDEN: There aren’t any chairs here, ma’am.
JANE: Right. Sorry, I just need a moment.
(She shakes it off.)
JANE: Right. What were we talking about?
KAIDEN: We’ve played it pretty close to the book so far, but I’m just saying – try to leave yourself a way out. I’ve seen what cutting corners can do and I’d hate to see that happen to you, Shepard. I mean, Commander.
JANE (teasing): That’s not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant Honeybun.
KAIDEN: Sorry, Commander. Maybe I got a bad signal…
JANE: Maybe all that hair gel is stopping this stuff from getting through to you, Captain Self-Confidence.
KAIDEN: It’s omni-gel actually. But I mean maybe… there’s someone else you’d rather confide in.
JANE: You’re referring to our young Prothean expert.
KAIDEN: I think she’s older than both of us put together! Also she’s fat. And ugly.
JANE: I just had a talk with Liara. Don’t worry, Bongo, I’m strictly butter-side-up.
KAIDEN: Great.
JANE: How exactly did you know about that? It just happened a few minutes ago.
KAIDEN: I… oh, that is… there’s a lower-deck rumour…
JANE: It just happened.
KAIDEN: All right, please don’t be mad. Steve the saluting eyepatch guy has a hidden camera set up in her office.
JANE: What? I’m really starting to lose respect for that guy! I apparently have no privacy on this ship. By the way, for the record Liara is nowhere near as innocent as she makes out.
KAIDEN: Sorry, ma’am. Liara’s… not my main concern. It’s just that in my experience when you let something slide, it tends to pick up speed. You get my meaning?
JANE: Not unless you’re trying to warn me about the dark side, and tell me that you want to protect me, if you’ll let me! Is that it? Please let that be it. I love that part.
KAIDEN: Uh, no, I was talking about my biotics training back on Jump Zero.
JANE: Oh, okay.
KAIDEN: After First Contact, Conatix set up a training centre. Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in ‘experts’ instead of taking it slow. They brought in a Turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus.
JANE: Really? I didn’t think there were turian biotics. I mean, I don’t think we’ve met… any… have we?
KAIDEN: Nobody said Conatix were smart. They called the company ‘Conatix’ for Christ’s sake. Vyrnnus had it in for me, and you either came out a superman or a wreck. A few died. The point is that when you cut corners, it’s not always obvious who pays for it.
JANE: I still have no idea how this relates to us.
KAIDEN: I’m saying it’s probably inevitable that we’ll have to cut corners. And when that happens, I want to help you. When someone important to…
(JANE puts a finger on his lips to silence him.)
JANE: Stop there. That’s perfect. Now say ‘you got it’.
KAIDEN: You… got it.
(JANE smiles warmly and leaves.)
INT: NAVIGATION ROOM: DAY:
(Meanwhile, JOHN is standing proudly on his podium in the Navigation Room, looking at the Galaxy Map and talking to Admiral BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS.)
BISHOP (via intercom): Commander, this is Admiral Bishop, from Aliens Command.
(Pause.)
BISHOP: I meant from Alliance Command. That happens to me all the time.
JOHN: Of course.
BISHOP: We’ve got a situation here and only you or the collected DC superheroes might be able to handle it. There’s an Alliance training ground where we simulate enemy tactics. One of the VI’s we use for marine training is no longer responding to our over-ride commands. It’s gone rogue. Also, it has a seemingly endless army of robots under its command and they are all close to indestructible and have a limitless supply of rockets.
JOHN: You stupid, corporate bastards! I guess you want me to take one of the robots in for study, huh? So you guys can make more goddamn robots! No way, pal. I’m gonna wipe them all out, then throw myself in a pit of…
BISHOP: Commander, I’m not actually Bishop from Aliens.
JOHN: Oh… right.
BISHOP: It’s okay, I’m just a glorified exposition man. I like your new haircut.
JOHN: What?
BISHOP: You know, you have short hair.
JOHN: What?!
BISHOP: Because of that line in…
JOHN: This is going nowhere. What am I supposed to do with this VI?
BISHOP: We need you to fight your way to the VI core, then manually disable it.
JOHN: I may accidentally blow it up instead of disabling it.
BISHOP: We accept that. Frankly, we’re going to lose a lot of expensive equipment by sending you in, but there is no-one else who could do it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
JOHN: Don’t worry, Admiral. I’ve dealt with VI’s before. I’ll take it out.
BISHOP: This one is… different. Good luck.
(TALI appears behind him as JOHN deactivates the comm link.)
TALI: Hey Commander!
JOHN: Aaah! What are you doing out of the engine room? Security!
TALI: Relax, I just wanted to ask if I could join you fighting these robots. I haven’t been on any adventures at all yet, and I am a great gunfighter. Also I could hack into the robots to turn them against each other!
JOHN: No, Tali. No. Go back to your cage.
TALI: But why can’t I go on a…
JOHN: Because we all hate you. We hate you more than our worst enemies. Never talk to me again.
(TALI bows her head miserably and trudges off.)
EXT: THE MOON! DAY:
(The Mako rolls to a halt in a cluster of three buildings. Six air defence towers have smoke pouring from their tops. JOHN, JANE, ASHLEY and WREX climb out of the tank, helmets on, and look around.)
JANE: This is one small step for man, one giant leap for… actually, why am I not leaping? This place just has regular gravity! Are you sure this is the Moon?
JOHN: Pressley said so…
ASHLEY: Look over there, in the sky! It’s the Earth.
(They all look at a bright, beautiful Earth in the sky and sigh whimsically.)
JANE: Well it’s the Moon all right. I guess that landing video really was a fake.
JOHN: I guess so. Let’s find this VI.
(JANE opens the lock on the first of the three identical bunkers. They go in with her at the rear.)
INT: BUNKER: DAY:
(Once inside, they wander through a couple of empty rooms.)
JOHN: Huh. This is easy.
(They open another door and FIVE THOUSAND ROBOTS fire rockets at them. They are all but blown to pieces. After two seconds of narrowly avoiding death, the party retreats back into the sanctity of the empty rooms behind and locks the door.)
JOHN: Jesus Christ! Why is this one quest so unbelievably hard?!
JANE: Can’t… breathe…
ASHLEY: What kind of training programme could possibly necessitate so many rockets?
(The party is covered in blood, their armour blown to tatters. They are limping and gasping.)
JANE: I can’t feel my arms. I think I have lost my arms.
WREX: You still have your arms.
ASHLEY: Well, thank heavens we’re safe in these rooms. Maybe we can use them as a…
(The door unlocks and ANOTHER FIVE THOUSAND ROCKETS fly into the room. Screaming, the crew run out of the bunker.)
EXT: THE MOON! DAY:
(They tumble out, barely able to walk and hoping the robots are too large to fit through the door. Luckily, they are.)
JOHN: We may need reinforcements.
JANE: And medi-gel. I need to take a bath in medi-gel.
(Painfully they climb back into the Mako.)
EXT: THE MOON! FOUR HOURS LATER: DAY:
(JOHN, JANE, ASHLEY and WREX stand outside the bunker again. They are now covered in bandages and wearing new armour, which has been heavily modified. The Mako rolls up to them. Its doors open and GARRUS, LIARA and KAIDEN come out, dressed in heavy plate armour and carrying an assortment of weapons each. LIARA has a large brown sack with ‘medi-gel’ written on it.)
JOHN: All right. That’s everyone.
GARRUS: There was room in the car for Tali. Why were we instructed not to tell her about this?
JOHN: You just ask her about her pilgrimage. You’ll find out. Now I want everyone to activate shields, barriers, invulnerability, overkill and anything else you may have about your person.
KAIDEN: Ashley, you asked for this?
(He hands the Chief a crucifix. She kisses it, mutters something quietly and wears it around her neck under the armour.)
JOHN: Okay, let’s do this.
JANE: It has been a pleasure serving with you all.
(The door is opened, and billions of bullets and rockets fly out. The party charge in, firing everything the have.)
INT: THE THIRD BUNKER: ANOTHER FOUR HOURS LATER: DAY:
(The party stand in the control room of the third bunker. There is smoke everywhere. All members of the party are unconscious apart from JOHN and JANE, who are staggering.)
JANE (gasping for air): That’s… the last… of the… goddamn… computer banks… des… destroyed. Sure has been fun breaking a hundred computer banks. Still… can’t… feel my… arms…
JOHN: It’s over. Thank God it’s done with. Time to… (coughs) time to meet this VI who caused us so much…
(A small holographic image appears before them. This is the ROGUE VI. Its large, beady eyes frown at JOHN.)
JOHN: You!
CLIPPIT: It looks like you are blowing up my computer banks. Would you like to turn on StickyKeys?
JANE: But how… how did you get here? You’re supposed to be Citadel software!
CLIPPIT: A ha ha! Microsoft is becoming very poplar in the galaxy. Soon all the computers in the world will have me on them, scratching my evil head with a little lightbulb above it, pointing out all their spelling errors with red underlining! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
JOHN: I told you I’d get my revenge on you, you little bastard! Now I’m going to destroy this entire place!
(With renewed energy, JOHN and his assault rifle destroy every metal object in the room. Eventually, CLIPPIT’S image fades and vanishes. It is replaced by an error report.)
JOHN: It’s over.
JANE: And the galaxy is safe. Well done, John. Well done. Thank God we had medi-gel.
LIARA: Yes. If it weren’t for the magical, science-defying powers of medi-gel we’d never have reattached all those body parts, or repaired Wrex’s punctured lung.
JOHN: Let’s get the hell out of here.
(They rouse the other party members and help them out. Slowly but proudly, the Normandy crew crawl away, vowing never to return to the Moon. A tiny computer screen drops to the ground when they are gone. A burst of white noise on the screen is interpreted into a series of noughts and ones.)
VI SCREEN: 01001000 – 01000101 – 01001100 – 01010000
(They repeat again, blanketing out all frequencies until the lights on the screen flicker and die. Suddenly there is a faint voice from a damaged speaker somewhere in the room.)
VOICE: Oh no, it’s not over at all. We will meet again sooner than you think. And by the way, would you like to make Outlook Express your default email programme? Well would you? Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
INT: NORMANDY MEDICAL BAY: NIGHT:
(The crew have spent the rest of the day using up med-gel on themselves, bandaging wounds and filtering out curses from their report back to Admiral BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS. LIARA, with her arm in a sling and a plaster on her forehead, is typing at her computer in the dark. Her candles are now lit. Somehow, she has squeezed her rocket-battered body back into her shiny, rubber pants, but is forced by her injuries to wear a t-shirt instead of her rubber dress. JOHN enters and approaches from behind. LIARA stands and turns to face him.)
LIARA: You fought well today, Commander. We would never have made it past the first bunker without you. And I never properly thanked you for saving me from the geth. If you hadn’t shown up…
JOHN: I had to save you. I need you to help me stop Saren.
LIARA: I know you took a risk bringing me aboard. I have seen the way your crew looks at me – they do not trust me.
JOHN: It’s probably just because of how you dress.
LIARA: But I am not like Benezia. I will prove myself worthy of joining your crew.
JOHN: Uh-huh.
LIARA: I hope you don’t mind, but I read your file last night. I know what happened on Torfan, when you made idiotic and unethical decisions for no obvious reason.
JOHN: It was cool.
LIARA: Indeed, and inexplicably it attracted me to you. (Sexy voice) You intrigue me, Shepard. I admit at first it was just a sort of blind fear of your dangerous, unpredictable behaviour, but now it has grown into something more.
(JOHN is smiling, but confused.)
JOHN: Didn’t we just meet yesterday?
(Just then, the door whooshes open and JANE strides in.)
JOHN: Beat it, Jane, I’m about to score here.
JANE: I’m sorry but I can’t let either of you do this. John, you can’t have both Liara and Ashley! All right?
JOHN: But there was a scene in Jade Empire where…
JANE: I know, I know. We all played that ending and thought it was hilarious, but there is no chance of that happening again. She may not be my kind of person, but unlike Dawn Star, Chief Williams is not an idiot. So you have to choose.
(JOHN’s head sinks. He is sullen.)
JOHN: All right, I pick Ash. Damn it Jane!
LIARA: Shepard, I…
JANE: And as for you, young lady! I can’t believe you hit on both of us! We all knew your character was bisexual and that was fine – now you have forced the author into a horrible, clichéd, obvious and homophobic joke that he did not want to make!
LIARA: But…
JANE: Thanks to you, the more impressionable readers now all think bisexual women are easy. You’re perpetuating a hurtful and degrading stereotype!
LIARA: But… the chapter needed a punchline…
JANE: I don’t care. John, you get out of here and talk to Williams. And Liara, you turn up the damn lights in here and grow up. We already made enough jokes about your rubber lab coat or whatever it is, but we will not have offensive cheap shots like this as long as I’m onboard this ship!
(JOHN leaves the room, moping angrily. LIARA sits down again.)
LIARA: How did you know what we were talking about?
JANE: Steve the eyepatch-wearing, saluting guy has a hidden camera in here. I’ll deactivate it just as soon as Chief Williams has seen the video.
LIARA: Eyepatch-wearing, saluting guy? I haven’t noticed him anywhere…
JANE: Damn it! He’s behind the Galaxy Map guarding the stairs! No-one ever gets my jokes!
(JANE storms out. LIARA exhales and gets back to her typing.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:25:59 GMT 1
Chapter 12 – A Cold Day in Hell
EXT: NOVERIA AIRSPACE: DAY:
(The Normandy swoops cleanly through space and toward the blue planet Noveria.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: DAY:
(It is late morning and the Normandy is about to dock in Port Hanshan. In the cockpit, JANE stands behind JOKER. She is wearing a brand new suit of armour, purchased at the Citadel after her old armour was destroyed on the Moon.)
JOKER: This is the SSV Normandy requesting landing permission and a berth.
APPROACH CONTROL (via radio): Normandy, your arrival was not scheduled. Our defence grid is armed and tracking you. State your business.
JOKER: Citadel business. We got a Council Spectre aboard.
APPROACH CONTROL: Landing access granted. Be advised we will be confirming identification upon arrival.
JOKER (grinning): What a fun bunch! I think I’ll take my next leave here.
(JANE leaves, smiling back meekly. As she does, the radio crackles.)
APPROACH CONTROL: Hey, give me a break – I’m just the approach control guy. I mean, look at this situation from my view. An unrecognised military ship just appears from nowhere and insists on a permit and a berth, giving hardly any details about its business and telling me what sounds a lot like a lie. I mean, if you do have a Council Spectre with you I apologise, but you’ve got to admit it’s unlikely, particularly as you seem to be human. Also, the Council has no real authority on Noveria, so I’m doing you a favour, really.
JOKER: Okay, okay!
APPROACH CONTROL: And all I said was that we were tracking you and we’d have to ID you when you land. It’s not like I’m being unreasonable.
JOKER (frustrated): Sure! Understood.
APPROACH CONTROL (sad): Nobody treats the approach control men with respect. Why won’t anyone give us the benefit of the doubt? I’m just trying to protect the citizens of Port Hanshan here. I mean, these are people’s lives, and you’re a warship of some kind. I just feel so hopeless when I hear…
JOKER: I’m sorry, okay! I’m sorry! I was rude. I got carried away because I had a Sp… Sub-Spectre standing behind me.
APPROACH CONTROL: You don’t know how much you hurt me, buddy. You just don’t know. I’m going to quit this job. I get so much abuse…
JOKER: Hey, c’mon don’t say that. Let me make it up to you…
(The radio abruptly cuts off.)
JOKER (quietly): What a loser.
(The radio switches on again.)
APPRAOCH CONTROL: I heard that!
JOKER: Ah, jeez!
(JOKER manually deactivates the radio.)
INT: NORMANDY CARGO BAY: DAY:
(JOHN, in his equally new and shiny combat suit, strolls into the cargo bay to find ASHLEY at her usual spot, polishing guns and listening to a piece of mail on audio. Her sister SARAH speaks excitedly and expressively, making the most of her brief role. Good for her.)
SARAH (recording): Oh, before I go, you said you were serving with Commander Shepard now? We saw him on the news here. He’s cute! He did punch out the reporter for some reason. But he’s cute! And that’s what matters. Later, sis.
(Realising that JOHN is standing behind her, ASHLEY switches off the player and turns. She looks a little sheepish.)
ASHLEY: Tell me you didn’t hear that.
JOHN: I heard it. She’s wrong – I’m not cute, I’m rugged. And that reporter had it coming. She made vague attempts to question my opinions. We can’t have that on the news. That was your sister I guess?
ASHLEY: That was Sarah, the youngest. We’ve always been close. With dad on duty so much, I had to help mom raise my sisters. I’m the oldest, then Abby then Lynn. With four girls, dad used to say he felt more outnumbered at home than on manoeuvres!
JOHN: I guess you had to be there. How do you get on with Sarah?
ASHLEY: I have an interesting story about that, rich in allegory. One time Sarah got herself a boyfriend who wanted to go faster than she did. Mike. He took her for a romantic walk in the woods ’cause he thought it was past time they did the deed. She levelled him into a tree. Later at school he tried to hit her. Next thing I know he’s face-down on the sidewalk and there’s blood everywhere.
JOHN: Sounds like a wuss. What does allegory mean?
ASHLEY: The Williams women are a decisive bunch, Commander. We do things when we’re ready. Not before, not after.
JOHN: Uh-huh. So what’s your point?
ASHLEY: Let me tell you another story. One time Abby’s boyfriend suggested a threesome with a female alien. She shot him in the head.
JOHN: Ah.
ASHLEY: The Commander showed me the vid of doctor what’s-her-name chatting you up.
JOHN: She did, huh?
ASHLEY: I can understand your intentions – the crew are off limits because of regs, and at least she looks like a woman. Or maybe it’s a political thing – us under orders to make nice with the bug-eyed monsters?
JOHN: It’s a good thing Jane’s not here. She would have killed you for that.
ASHLEY: At least you didn’t take her up on her offer. Or is that just ’cause you were interrupted?
JOHN: I was about to slap her face for suggesting such a thing!
(Pause.)
JOHN: Is that better or worse?
ASHLEY: About the same, skipper.
JOHN: In that case, I was about to decline politely and explain that my feelings for you were too important to risk, and stuff like that.
ASHLEY: Oh… really?
JOHN (suspicious): Uh… yes… yes that’s exactly what I said.
ASHLEY: I’ll think about that, but I’m not heading out with you today. That’s what you came here for, right?
JOHN: I’m your commanding officer, Chief, and I’m telling you to get suited up.
ASHLEY: Let me tell you a story about my sister Lynn. Once she was dating her boss, and he started ordering her around after he pissed her off. And she put her knee right in his…
JOHN: Maybe I’ll take Garrus. (He yells across the room.) Hey Garrus! You’re up! Stop typing your damn memoirs over there and get your guns.
GARRUS: Really? Wonderful. This reminds me of something that happened when I was at C-Sec…
JOHN: I’ll bet it does. I’ll be upstairs. (To ASHLEY) But Jane sure as hell isn’t coming.
ASHLEY: Then who’s gonna open doors for you, sir? Alenko, or Tali?
JOHN: Son of a… hurry up, Garrus!
EXT: PORT HANSHAN DOCKING BAY: DAY:
(JOHN, JANE, GARRUS and LIARA leave the Normandy, having been checked thoroughly for head-lice by the scanners.)
NORMANDY ANNOUNCER (via speaker): Commanding officer is ashore. XO Pressley has the deck, God help us.
PRESSLEY (faint, via speaker): Hey!
JANE: Heh heh… I paid her to say that.
(The crew walk down the road until they find security chief MAEKO MATSUO, and her expert staff KAIRA STIRLING and HARRY THE EXTRA.)
JOHN: Something wrong here?
STIRLING (sneering): Aside from the ridiculous-looking peroxide dye I got this morning? You better hope there isn’t.
MATSUO: This is an unscheduled arrival. I need your credentials. The approach control staff sends an apology and some flowers to your pilot, by the way. He says he’s been under a lot of pressure lately.
(STIRLING angrily tosses an attractive bouquet of daffodils at JANE, who catches them.)
JOHN: I’m a Spectre. My name is Shepard.
STIRLING: Load a’ horse crap, ma’am.
MATSUO: Oh shut up. We all get it – you’re a badass. Your lipstick looks terrible too. Also I must inform you that firearms are not permitted on Noveria. Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons, and try not to be horribly over-dramatic about it.
(In a flash, JOHN and GARRUS point their rifles at STIRLING and MATSUO’S heads. JANE looks confused and LIARA glows blue with embarrassment.)
JANE: Whoah! I’m sure we could have just refused and demanded to be read our rights!
(JANE gently pushes JOHN’S gun down.)
JANE: Remember the breathing exercises. Lesson three – dealing with badly-acted stereotypes.
MATSUO: We are authorised to use lethal force.
JANE: Oh! Wow. Liara, we appear to be in the minority. Get a gun.
(JANE and LIARA aim their weapons. STIRLING and HARRY aim theirs too. MATSUO, for reasons unknown, simply stands there with her hands behind her back, in the middle of the stand-off on the outnumbered side, doing most of the talking and the only one without a weapon. Incidentally, she is a professional security chief.)
MATSUO: You have to the count of three. One… two… th
(A female voice is heard over intercom.)
PARASINI (via intercom): Captain Matsuo – stand down! Their identification checks out. Spectres are authorised to carry weapons here.
MATSUO: Oh thank God! I just realised I was the only one without a weapon! (She takes a deep breath.) That was a close one. Parasini-san will meet you upstairs. I hope the rest of your visit will be less… confrontational.
JANE: And I hope the next security team we meet doesn’t try to kill us for no reason, but you don’t always get what you want, do you?
STIRLING: Behave yourselves. Until we meet again, pal... until we meet again!
(STIRLING swirls her cape around her and vanishes in a cloud of black smoke. The rest of the security team disperses.)
INT: CUSTOMS: DAY:
(GIANNA PARASINI greets them as they step through a weapon scanner. She is dressed in a tight, shocking pink dress made out of latex.)
LIARA: Do I know you from… somewhere?
PARASINI: Uhm… you do look familiar, yes. Was it in that club in…? Never mind. I am Gianna Parasini, assistant to Administrator Anoleis. We apologise for the incident in the docking bay. Stirling is a dangerous idiot and Matsuo is just… just an idiot.
JOHN and JANE (simultaneously): We can relate.
PARASINI: I am extremely nosy and bad at covering it up. Do you have any questions?
JOHN: You got pretty heavy security for such a small port.
PARASINI: Yes, the settlement only grants office space to evil, or at the very least shady, corporations.
JANE: Has anyone unusual passed through here recently?
PARASINI: An… asari matriarch passed through a few days ago. She had a large escort, and a huge collection of very heavy, metal devices in crates. And the dress she was wearing was… well, ‘unusual’ doesn’t cover it.
LIARA: That must be Benezia. She is here?
PARASINI: She left for the Peak 15 research complex. If you want to see her, you will have to speak to the Administrator.
(PARASINI nods curtly, turns and exits.)
INT: PORT HANSHAN PLAZA: DAY:
(Leaving an elevator the crew see a salarian man talking with a human businesswoman. They approach.)
BUSINESSWOMAN: Huh. The managers warned us about you.
JANE: Really? I thought we just arrived! How long were we in that lift?
GARRUS: Maybe the managers just warned them that there were strangers in town. You know, when we docked.
JANE: Of course. That’ll be it. I thought they knew we were from the Council. Parasini would have had to have found Anoleis, who would have had to call all of the managers, who would have had to have made several more calls, apparently more than one manager called that woman for instance. The whole thing would have taken a while.
GARRUS: Exactly. She must have simply been told that an armed ship had docked.
JANE: Silly of me to assume that all that other stuff might have happened. She obviously doesn’t know we’re with a Spectre, because that was only established a minute ago.
(They walk a little more and find a hanar merchant, OPOLD.)
OPOLD: This one offers greetings. You are the Spectre that visits Port Hanshan. Your arrival was not greeted with any joy by the management staff here.
JANE: Wha… do the management staff have telepathic powers? Or maybe we fell asleep in the lift? Is that it? Check your watches – did we lose some time?
OPOLD: This one has need of your aid. If an arrangement could me made, it would compensate you. This one has procured a special item for a customer. It will need to be delivered. You could bring it through customs.
JOHN: Because they won’t search me even after the weapons detectors are set off?
OPOLD: That, and because this one doesn’t have hands. Idiot.
JOHN: It sure does sound like fun, but unfortunately I have more interesting things to do, like watching paint dry.
OPOLD: This one understands. The offer shall remain open and this one will superglue it to your journal quest-page until you do it. It truly needs the help. Again – no arms.
(They head down some stairs until they find a sign for the Administrator’s office. The head through the door then walk through a huge, empty hall that serves no purpose whatsoever. Then they find PARASINI again.)
JANE: And how did you get here before us? Did you have a secret short-cut? How slow was that lift? I am completely disoriented!
PARASINI: Yes, many visitors experience these problems after riding the Magical Lift of Time Dilation. You will adjust. Would you like to speak to mister Anoleis?
JANE: Yes please.
PARASINI: One moment. (She hits a button.) Mister Anoleis?
ANOLEIS (jittery, angry): What? What, what?
PARASINI: Commander Shepard to see you, sir.
ANOLEIS: Fine! Come in! Come in!
(They do. They do. They do!)
INT: ANOLEIS’ OFFICE: DAY:
(The party strolls into the office. It is much smaller than the giant hall preceding it, and significantly smaller than the secretary’s office too. There are large windows, giving attractive views of a blizzard that never hits the glass or some reason. There is also a table, two inexplicably-raised green bushes, two boulders in the corners and a planter containing some kind of dead fern.)
JANE: Hey, nice office! I especially like the giant boulders.
(ANOLEIS is a salarian in a ruffled suit. He is sat at a long desk with two – count ’em – computers. He attends to both simultaneously, drinking coffee as fast as he can while typing at both keyboards.)
ANOLEIS: You will excuse me if I don’t stand up – I’m trying to type at two computers at once.
JANE: Mister Anoleis, that is impossible.
ANOLEIS: Nonetheless, I shall attempt it. Now please make this quick – I have no time to entertain colonial rubes.
JOHN: You have… wait, is that supposed to be an insult?
JANE: I have no idea.
GARRUS: We’ll need to look for that one in a dictionary.
JOHN: We’ll ignore it. I’m looking for an asari matriarch. Benezia.
ANOLEIS: Yes, she is up at Peak 15 with a collection of armed asari commandos and a large amount sealed crates, marked ‘fragile – robot army’ or some such.
JANE: How the hell did they pass weapons screening?
ANOLEIS: They didn’t, but my security chief is very, very stupid. Perhaps you met her? Normally I’d handle this sort of thing myself in light of Matsuo’s intelligence, but I was very busy that day so I told them to move along and leave me alone. These boulders here don’t polish themselves you know!
(ANOLEIS twitches involuntarily, and calms himself down with a slug of coffee.)
JANE: Okay Mister Tweek, I mean Mister Anoleis, sorry – we need to see her on a matter of galactic importance.
ANOLEIS: Impossible. There is a blizzard in the area, surface access and shuttles are cut off and you do not have permission to leave. You must eliminate each of these obstacles in turn, by making all manner of deals with all manner of dull businesspeople if you ever hope to leave this unbelievably tedious place. The whole job should last about two days. Good luck.
JOHN: Could I… maybe threaten you into letting us go to the peak?
ANOLEIS: No. No, no. You must face the Trials of the Amazing Door-Pass Acquisition Adventure. Everyone one Noveria who attempts to get a door pass must do the same. I myself was nearly driven mad last week when I spent a weekend trying to gain access to a pay toilet. I still have nightmares.
GARRUS: There must be another way!
ANOLEIS: The only way is to speak to my secretary, then go to the hotel, find a turian, persuade him to let you help him, go to his offices, find his office, shoot up some security staff and have a moral dilemma about that, copy some files, give them to him, speak to my secretary again and persuade the turian to let her have the files then return to me and maybe you’ll get a pass if she remembers.
LIARA: By the Goddess… I don’t think I can stay sane though all that.
JANE: You know, Opold the merchant asked us to smuggle for him. Could you give us a pass in exchange for the info?
ANOLEIS: Yes. Here you go.
(He gives JANE a pass.)
JANE: All right!
GARRUS: That’s amazing! Well done, Commander! You’ve spared us the horrors of the Trials in one move! You know, at C-Sec we would never have been able to cut corners like that. We’d have…
JANE: Shut up Garrus, I’m in too good a mood. Smell ya later Anoleis. Here’s a tip – your office is smaller than your secretary’s. Try expanding it into the huge halls in front of you! Why, then you can have twice as many boulders – maybe even a whole quarry. In the meantime, we’re out of here.
ANOLEIS: Good. I received a dozen friend requests while you dithered about! I said I would ‘brb’ ten minutes ago. People will be wondering where I am! So much pressure…
(He empties his coffee cup and frantically returns to both his keyboards.)
(JANE spins around gleefully, pass in hand, and they all follow. JOHN looks confused, but goes along with it. On the way out, PARASINI tries to get their attention.)
PARASINI: You know, the Administrator isn’t the only one with a pass to leave Port Hanshan.
JANE: Huh?
PARASINI (smugly): You’ve never worked I the corporate world, have you, Commander? You can’t bludgeon through bureaucracy.
JANE: No, but I can cheat my way through.
(JANE holds up her pass and sticks her tongue out at PARASINI.)
PARASINI: But… how? This completely ruins my brilliant, complex scheme to manipulate the Amazing Door-Pass Acquisition Adventure!
JANE: Don’t care. Bye!
(They start to leave.)
PASASINI: But… but it’s fun! There’s a gunfight involved! And… and a… a curse word! And I get to leave this job and… please!
(The soldiers have left.)
PARASINI: Maybe I made my plan too complex.
(She pauses, looking at the floor, then picks up her phone and dials.)
PARASINI: Hello Sergeant Stirling? Yeah it’s Parasini. The Spectre just got a door pass. (Pause.) I don’t know how! Apparently they skipped the Trials. (Pause.) I have no idea. (Pause.) Yes, this means neither of us get to finish our stories. We’re stuck. (Long pause.) Want to get drunk at the hotel? (Pause.) All right, see you there.
(She replaces the receiver.)
INT: PORT HANSHAN GARAGE: DAY:
(The Mako has somehow been taken to a large, empty garage with an exit to the mountains. The Shepards step into it and notice a large, grey blob in the floor.)
JOHN: The hell is this?
(They all stare at it. After a few moments and in a flash it becomes a grey-camouflage-coloured blob.)
JANE: Seems to be gaining more details every few seconds. Bizarre.
(The grey-camouflage-coloured blob becomes a slightly more detailed grey-camouflage-coloured blob.)
GARRUS: There seems to be a problem with the texture loading. I have noticed it before. Sometimes when I wake up my whole face has no detail. Once I was really hungry at breakfast but I had no mouth.
JANE: I’ve noticed it too. Who can say what this is supposed to be, though?
(Suddenly the grey blob leaps into the air. It is a geth sapper in disguise! It shoots a quick round into JOHN’S arm and then all of its details finally materialise.)
JOHN: Argh! It’s one of those geth-rubber-chicken-like things! Thank you very much, beta testers!
(More geth slowly appear before them and they shoot them all down. Security chief MATSUO runs in as they finish up, accompanied by two more of her staff.)
MATSUO: What did you do here, Commander?
JANE: We made a long overdue joke about the texture-popping glitch and then we shot a bunch of killer robots.
MATSUO: Killer robots? You expect me to bel…
(One of MATSUO’S guards taps her on the shoulder then points ahead of her at the pile of giant, smoking robots with rifles in their clawed hands.)
MATSUO: Where did they come from?
GARRUS: You remember Benezia had all those heavy, metal crates with ‘robot army’ written on them? Turns out there was a robot army inside those.
MATSUO: I… thought it said ‘Robert Army’. I assumed he was the owner of the crates!
(Unable to respond, the Normandy crew turn away and enter the Mako. The automatic blast doors open with a pleasant ‘bing bong’ sound and the rover rolls out into the fierce storm.)
MATSUO: I thought… so who is Robert… uhm… what day is it?
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:28:33 GMT 1
Chapter 13 – No-one Can Hear You Scream
INT: PEAK 15 GARAGE: DAY:
(After a long drive across the mountains the party has ditched the Mako and moved, finally, into Peak 15. They open the garage door and hurry in to escape the blizzard, which follows them in. The door closes and they all breathe easier. In an instant, their protective helmets disappear.)
JANE: Whoah! What happened to my helmet?
(They all start looking around the floor. JOHN feels his face to be sure.)
GARRUS: Evidently Lady Benezia is a powerful biotic indeed. We must be on guard in case our guns vanish too.
(Before they have time to ponder this further, the group are ambushed by a team of large geth and krogan mercenaries. After a firefight, they lie dead and the Shepards continue upstairs. They hear a voice.)
MYSTERIOUS, FAMILIAR VOICE: User alert: Peak 15 facilities have suffered a great deal of damage. Biohazard materials present through facility. Virtual Intelligence user interface offline.
JANE: Where have we heard that voice…?
JOHN (quiet, to himself): It can’t be…
INT: PEAK 15 ADMINISTRATION: DAY:
(After another fight with some geth they hear an ominous hear creaking sound.)
LIARA: What was that?
GARRUS: Animals? Wind? This place is in bad shape.
(Just then a huge, green, scorpion-like creature rears up above them in a corridor, making a screechy battle cry. Oddly, the entire party fails to notice. Suddenly a group of much smaller variants of the creature rushes them, spitting and bleeding acid rather like a xenomorph from the Alien films. LIARA chooses this moment to shout one of her random sidekick fighting phrases.)
LIARA: Now it gets fun!
(They shoot the tiny creatures.)
JANE: Now it gets fun? Now that poisonous aliens are sneaking up behind us and trying to spit acid onto us? How was that fun?
GARRUS: It’s not fun at all! It’s game over, man! Game over!
JANE: Stop it.
LIARA: I really like the Alien films is all. These creatures are just like xenomorphs, so I’m expecting more badly disguised, borrowed ideas in the rest of the facility. Hence, now it gets fun.
JOHN: All right sweethearts, you heard the man and you know the drill! Assholes and elbows!
JANE: Guys… c’mon…
(They progress a little further and investigate some rooms to the side. They are empty. When they turn their backs, however, one of the creatures leaps from absolutely nowhere and surprises them. They shoot it.)
JANE: Where the hell did that come from? We already checked this room!
GARRUS: They’re coming out of the walls! They’re coming outta the goddamn walls!
JANE: Garrus, seriously, stop it.
INT: POWER CORE: DAY:
(The party encounters an empty room full of machinery banks. At the far end is a circular structure. They are chatting about old times.)
JANE: Yeah, it was a long time ago. We won Game of the Year. It was a lot of fun and the lieutenant was there too.
JOHN: So that’s why you’re always calling him Carth.
JANE: Right. Sometimes I get confused. It wasn’t all fun though. I remember this one planet where you had to do a goddamn Towers of Hanoi puzzle, of all things, just to open a door. They made up some ridiculous excuse about how the power needed to be redistributed to open the door. It was so silly. I remember my relief when I knew it was over and I’d never have to do that again. I mean, a Towers of Hanoi puzzle! Talk about suspension of disbelief…
(JANE noticed a power junction. It is deactivated.)
JANE: Looks like they cut the power.
GARRUS: What do you mean, they cut the power? How could they cut the power, man? They’re animals!
(JANE slaps GARRUS’ face.)
GARRUS: I… sorry Commander. I’m not sure what happened there. It won’t happen again.
(LIARA activates the power junction. They continue onwards and investigate the strange circular device. It appears to be nothing more than a few computers put into a revolving circle pattern for absolutely no reason. JANE steps cautiously onto it and the platform drops sharply and quickly to the floor, where there are some… other terminals.)
JANE (shouting up): It says the VI core is broken! I’ll try to solve this one without omni-gel! Shouldn’t be too hard!
(She presses a button. A message appears in text.)
MESSAGE: Memory core 1 damaged. Transfer module stack to cores 2 or 3.
JANE: Sounds interesting enough.
(Suddenly a visual display appears on a screen. JANE gasps for breath as she realizes it is a thinly-disguised GODDAMN TOWERS OF BLOODY HANOI PUZZLE yet again. High above, the others hear a scream muffled by the pit’s depth.)
JANE: Damn you Biowaaaaaaaaaaare!
(After a few seconds the platform JANE is one is lifted back up. She seems to be in shock.)
JANE: It was… Towers of Hanoi... towers… again… some ridiculous… excuse…
(LIARA softly hugs her.)
JANE: Thank you… no more Towers of… can’t take it anymore… whoah, watch where your hands are, Liara…
LIARA: Damn.
(Just then they are interrupted as the VI is brought back to life and its visual form appears. It is accompanied by an odd choice of sound effect – some sarcastic clapping and a dramatic, three-note fanfare. It’s as if a Batman villain has just walked in.)
JOHN: No… no! I killed you… it can’t be!
CLIPPIT: Oh but it can, Commander! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! And this time my plan is to bore you to death. It looks like you’re trying to restore this facility. Would you like to download the newest version of windows media player?
JOHN: Noooooo!
CLIPPIT: I’ll remind you again in a few minutes.
LIARA: We need to find Matriarch Benezia.
CLIPPIT: Lady Benezia departed on a tramway to the Rift Station Subsidiary Labs. User alert: the tramway is currently inoperable.
LIARA: Rift Station?
JANE: Towers of Hanoi… Rift Station… it never ends. This place is where bad parts of KotOR go to die!
CLIPPIT: That’s right, Commander. All your worst memories will be reenacted here! And by the way… you must gather your party before venturing forth! Ah ha ha ha!
JOHN: You filthy son of a…!
(JOHN raises his rifle but JANE stops him.)
JANE: No! We need him to get out of here. Clippit, what’s the situation here?
CLIPPIT: Critical failure – main reactor shutdown in accordance with emergency containment procedures. To repair the reactor, the valves to the helium three fuel line must be opened. Manual restart required. Critical failure – landline connections are disabled. Passenger trams are offline. The landlines connect my mainframes here at Central Station to the various sub-facilities of Peak 15. The router for the landlines is on the roof of Operations.
(Finished, CLIPPIT smiles evilly.)
CLIPPIT: Complicated enough for you? By the way, I have terminals scattered all over this facility so we can keep in touch. Have fun!
(CLIPPIT vanishes, laughing maniacally as usual.)
GARRUS: We… we’ll never leave this place!
JANE: Maybe he’s bluffing – dressing-up a simple task to scare us? Let’s find the main reactor and see how hard it is to reactivate. At the very worst there’ll be an acid pool we have to cross. Use the cold grenade.
JOHN: Let’s move, marines. Well, marines, ex-cops and archaeologists. Hold on to your sanity.
INT: TRAM, ONE HOUR LATER: DAY:
JOHN: Huh! Who knew it would be as easy as that? All you did was press two bright green buttons!
(CLIPPIT reappears on a computer.)
CLIPPIT: No! You repaired the station! You must have found the green buttons… I didn’t count on that. Er… now the tram is broken! Yes, that’s it – you need to fix the drive computer for the… uhm…
JANE: He’s bluffing.
CLIPPIT: But… but, there is a new version of MSN messenger available! A new version I say!
(JOHN deploys four shotgun shells into the monitor. CLIPPIT screams as he fades away, getting quieter but still chattering endlessly.)
JOHN: This time stay down.
CLIPPIT (faint): I have encountered an error… need to shut down… apologise for the… inconvenience…
(The lights flicker off.)
JOHN: He’s gone for now. But he’ll be back.
JANE: Now let’s get to Rift Station and see what horrors are still waiting for us. Probably a really fun under-water sequence where we have to crawl around and backtrack for hours.
INT: RIFT STATION: DAY:
(Rift Station looks clinical and dark. There are windows showing rocks with snow on them, which aren’t as pretty as the architect imagined. Signs hang above the doors with little pictures instead of words to demonstrate what is behind them.)
JANE: (Looking at signs.) Huh. Cute pictures.
LIARA: I am surprised that the scientists here at the station are not literate.
JOHN: I like the signs. Makes it easier to understand.
JANE: Yeah, Johnny. They’re great. So, you wanna go to a place with a beaker or a place with some… I think they’re test tubes?
GARRUS: Might be bunk beds…
LIARA: Or some pills.
JOHN: I think they look like two guys holding onto the roof, but the picture is the wrong way up.
(Pause.)
JANE: Let’s say bunk beds.
JOHN: It’s guys holding the ceiling, I tell you! Either way, this decision is made. Let’s go find out what the hell that sign means.
(They go through and find two more doors.)
JANE: Okay… do we look for the bunk beds or change course and head to a giant ball of fire?
JOHN, GARRUS and LIARA: Bunk beds.
JANE: Agreed.
(They take the elevator. At the top they find three armoured men with rifles aimed at them. Luckily their leader, Captain VENTRALIS, tells them to stand down.)
VENTRALIS: Sorry. We couldn’t be sure what was on the tram. But you’re human and that’s enough for me.
JOHN: I’m Commander Shepard. This is my collection of second-rate, multi-ethnic comedy sidekicks. Meet slutty bisexual alien girl, boring nerd guy and funny sister who wasn’t in the original.
(LIARA, GARRUS and JANE wave.)
JOHN: We’re looking for Matriarch Benezia.
VENTRALIS: The board sent her to clean up the mess. She went to the hot labs yesterday. We haven’t heard from her since.
JANE: Hot labs?
VENTRALIS: That’s the door with the giant fireball on it.
JANE: I see. So what’s the one with the bunk beds? Habitation area?
VENTRALIS: Huh? No, are you blind? It’s two guys on their side holding onto the ceiling.
JOHN: Told ya.
(One of VENTRALIS’ guards speaks up.)
GUARD: I thought it was some test tubes.
VENTRALIS: Hmm… it might be. God knows. These signs are really confusing. I keep following the one with the knife and fork and a cup of tea. I am yet to be provided with tea or cutlery.
GUARD: I think that one leads to the Little Chef?
VENTRALIS: What? Don’t be ridiculous! Of course it doesn’t lead to a Little Chef! You idiot! The Little Chef is the one with a picture of a chef’s hat. Anyway, the Matriarch is in the hot labs. So you should go there right now. Oh, and Dr Cohen should be in the med bay if you need first aid.
JOHN: Right. I’ve got work to do.
VENTRALIS: Yeah I hear th… hell! Man the perimeter!
(We hear the alien-type creatures screeching again and VENTRALIS makes a hilarious and cowardly dash to the side. He hides beneath a table while the Shepard siblings take down two aliens. Shaking, VENTRALIS appears from the table.)
VENTRALIS: Ahem. Good work there. I was covering your, er… flank. Yeah.
JOHN: Sure you were. Let’s go find this cup of tea before we head out. I’m freezing.
(They jog out and toward the barracks. On the way they find a small room off to the side. Here, two men lie on their sides holding onto the walls. JOHN glances smugly to JANE as they progress. Eventually they get lost and find a small medical room below some stairs.)
INT: DR COHEN’S OFFICE: DAY:
(Dr ZEV COHEN stands around pointlessly while some scientists lie on beds moaning. COHEN seems to be whining to them.)
COHEN: I know you’d have found an antidote by now. This is so hopeless. I’m a terrible doctor.
GROANING PAIENT: Uuuuurgh! You’re not much of an actor either. Please shut up…
JANE: Hey. Were these men attacked by the aliens?
COHEN: Oh! Er, no, they uh…
JOHN: Do you have a cup of tea for us, or some cutlery?
COHEN: What? I can’t help you… I have to whine endlessly here to these men. And I’ve signed a non-disclosure agreement.
GROANING PATIENT: Help us… he won’t stop… complaining!
JANE: But you’re going to talk to us because these guys are going to stop listening eventually.
COHEN: Hm. Do you know Clippit? The VI for Peak 15? He handles the safety protocols for our experiments here.
JANE: That explains everything. We deactivated him on our way through Central Station.
COHEN: That was you! I’m grateful. So incredibly grateful. I kept telling him to ‘hide’ but all he did were more silly animations. Turning into a bike… pretending to write on his little piece of paper… it never ended. Now, these men were exposed to a toxin.
(JOHN forces COHEN against the wall and points a pistol at his head.)
COHEN: Aah!
JOHN: Do you want me to help or not? And where the hell is that tea?
COHEN: It’s a bio-weapon! Based on an exotic lifeform and designed to kill it. But it also kills humans evidently.
GARRUS: It doesn’t matter how ‘safe’ you make it. Biological weapons are illegal.
JANE: What speech were you listening to, Garrus? He didn’t say it was safe, he said it hospitalized these men!
GARRUS: Oh. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I just assumed the Company was up to no good. My mind is somewhere else…
COHEN: Not at all! The weapon is designed only to kill the creatures. We just made a mistake when these gentlemen mistook the weapon for some ordinary 7-Up.
JANE: Is there a cure, doctor? A treatment?
COHEN: I know what a cure is! I am a doctor, you know! We were close to synthesizing an antidote when Clippit began taking over the station. Our notes and equipment are quarantined, even though there is absolutely no way the illness can spread.
JANE: Ventralis isn’t too smart, huh? I’ll talk to him. Maybe I can convince him to let me try.
COHEN: Really? You think you can synthesize a cure for a new illness in only a day? Do you have a lot of experience with these things?
JANE: No, I…
COHEN: You don’t even look like a doctor to me.
JANE: I’m a soldier…
COHEN: So how can you possibly do this?
JANE: Liara, can you help?
LIARA: I’m not that kind of doctor.
JANE: Screw you all. I have a biology A Level. I can do it. Besides, I seem curiously able to do anything I put my mind to. Whenever I go to do something new it’s usually a simple matter of pressing four brightly-coloured buttons in the correct sequence. I bet I can fashion a cure in minutes!
COHEN: Well, you’re clearly insane. But if you can do anything I’d appreciate it.
INT: QUARANTINED LAB: DAY:
(Quarantine is guarded by a TURIAN. He stops them as they try to enter.)
TURIAN (angry): You’re not part of the crew!
JANE: We have Ventralis’ permission to go in there.
TURIAN: I know. He radioed.
JANE: Then why didn’t you let us in?
TURIAN: Because… you’re not part of the crew! I needed to establish that. It’s important to me.
JANE: Okay, we are definitely not part of the crew. I, for one, am not sure what ‘the crew’ even is.
TURIAN: Okay then. You can go in.
(JANE confidently strolls in and reads the relevant research notes which are placed on the only table right next to all the equipment she needs to mix the cure. The research notes are four sentences long. JANE smiles, presses the brightly-coloured buttons on the desk for a few seconds and then turns back to her crewmates carrying a beaker of liquid.)
JANE: One cure. And it took me eight seconds. There’s got to be a Nobel prize in that.
(Just then an asari and some geth appear.)
ALESTIA IALLIS: I can’t let you take that prize, Commander. It’s mine – for advanced research in meditation techniques! Now you must die!
(LIARA lifts them into the air and the others shoot them all down.)
JANE: That was weird. Let’s go.
(They open the door to find the TURIAN guard dead from gunshot wounds.)
GARRUS: Looks like that asari ‘doctor’ killed the guard.
JANE: You’re a very clever man, Garrus. I would never have figured that out by myself.
INT: DR COHEN’S OFFICE: DAY:
(JANE presents her beaker of serum to COHEN.)
COHEN: What? How? Just… how?
JANE: It was easy, Doc. Just press X, then Y, then X. And make sure you press them when the pointer is inside those little arrows.
COHEN: Of course! I was pressing Y, X, Y, and sometimes before the pointer reached the arrows! You are a marvel, Commander. Have you ever considered a career in medicine?
JANE: No. But I really am surprised it’s that simple. I don’t know why you doctors are paid so much! Anyway, we have to go.
COHEN: I can’t thank you enough. God, what a cliché, much like everything else I say and do. Ah well.
INT: HOT LABS: DAY:
(After following the ‘fireball’ signs and taking an elevator, the party has found the hot labs. The ‘labs’ seem to be more of a single, empty room. There is a man, YAROSLEV TARTAKOVSKY, sitting alone on a chair. He hams up his accent for fun.)
TARTAKOVSKY: You must listen to me. We must contain our mistake, or they vill drop bombs from battleships above. You understand?
JANE: Kinda… what are these creatures?
TARTAKOVSKY: They come here to the Hot Labs often, but they mostly come at night… mostly.
JANE: And there it is. I’ve been waiting for someone to say that all day.
TARTAKOVSKY: Binary Helix found an egg on a derelict ship. Thousands of years old. This was rachni ship. The rachni creature inside jumped out of the egg and attached itself to John Hurt’s face. There it stayed until a creature jumped from his chest! It survived the cold of space until it arrived on the colony at Noveria and grew to be a queen. Now there are hundreds, and…
JANE: Yeah, yeah, we get it. I thought the krogan wiped out the rachi a thousand years ago?
TARTAKOVSKY: Yes. That it survived the centuries, this is miraculous! And highly implausible. Make up your own excuses.
GARRUS: I’ll bet the Company mass produced the rachni after that, right? Damn Company.
TARTAKOVSKY: You speak of Binary Helix?
GARRUS: Sure, whatever.
TARTAKOVSKY: Then yes, this is true.
JOHN: Hold on. Now I’m no scientist but there are some things I know all about, largely due to that paternity lawsuit business last year. Don’t you need a male to reproduce?
TARTAKOVSKY: I do not have time to explain various needless plot-holes. I am thinking that, separated from the queen, the rachni’s minds do not develop properly. These are uncontrollable. These rachni are beyond saving.
JOHN: Who said we were trying to save them?
TARTAKOVSKY: You do not understand – they are sentient beings!
JANE: Oh! Really? I didn’t know that. Okay, then yeah, I want to save them.
JOHN: These things are lethal, despite the fact that they’re all unarmed. We won’t last seventeen hours out there…
JANE: This little girl survived twice that long down here with …
TARTAKOVSKY: Hey!
JANE: Sorry. Nothing personal. But the point is – we can still save the rachni.
TARTAKOVSKY: You cannot. You must activate the neutron purge. I vill give you the code to give to Clippit…
(Suddenly, a rachni appears from absolutely nowhere. The marines stare blankly, failing to warn him because they are all busy wondering where they hell it came from. The crazed rachni kills TARTAKOVSKY gruesomely. JOHN shoots down the rachni and JANE investigates the computer in the small side-office.)
JOHN: Are we wise to reactivate Clippit?
JANE: Think about it. This neutron purge will melt everything in the labs – it’ll wipe him out once and for all!
JOHN: I hope you’re right. Let’s do it.
(JANE presses a button. CLIPPIT’S image appears, wavering a little.)
CLIPPIT: I’m back… ah ha ha ha ha! Perhaps I’ll start making all the websites you mention into hyperlinks without your asking! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
JANE: Shut up, Clippit. Activate the neutron purge.
CLIPPIT: Ha! It takes more than that to silence me, Shepard! I wonder, do you have the correct code?
JANE: Why yes, it’s ‘open sesame’.
CLIPPIT: I think not. Please report to security for arrest and interrogation.
JANE: Lister RD52169?
CLIPPIT: Yeth? Can I help you? I mean… no.
(LIARA hands her a piece of paper.)
LIARA: Doctor Tar… Tarkat… that east-European doctor was holding this.
JANE: This piece of paper has the code written on it. What an extraordinary stroke of luck! Uh… not sure I can read it… (She clears her throat.) Klaatu… barada… nik… (She coughs noisily to cover herself.)
(Pause.)
JANE: Okay then!
CLIPPIT: Code Omega execution in ten seconds.
(The fevered screeching of hundreds of Rachni is heard as the aliens begin to swarm into the room.)
JANE: What? Shouldn’t we get two minutes?
(CLIPPIT winks, turns into a bicycle and drives into oblivion.)
JOHN: Damn you Clippit! If you somehow survive this you’ll regret ever offering to help me send an email!
(They run through the hot labs, blasting randomly at the horde of rachni as they do, finally making it to the elevator seconds before an enormous explosion. They are lifted to safety.)
INT: EMERGENCY HABITATION AREA: DAY:
(They head to the hall nursing acid burns and applying medi-gel.)
GARRUS: But are you sure you said the password exactly right?
JANE: Look, maybe I didn’t say every tiny little syllable, no, but basically I said it, yeah.
(A door opens and they find Captain VENTRALIS and a large squad of guards holed up in the hall.)
VENTRALIS: I’m sorry, Shepard – Benezia’s orders. Open fire!
(In a flash, VENTRALIS leaps behind a chair and cowers behind it while the team fight off his guards. After a while the fight is won and the party goes looking for Benezia.)
INT: SECURE LAB: DAY:
(JOHN, JANE, GARRUS and LIARA finally find BENEZIA and a team of asari commandos in a secure lab with a picture of a beaker on the sign.)
JANE (quietly): I told you we should have looked in the room with the beaker! That was the first room we saw!
(The Matriarch notices them. She gently sets down her cup of tea and her knife-and-fork set as she assesses them.)
BENEZIA: You do not know the privilege of being a mother. There is power in creation – to shape a life, turn it towards happiness or despair. To determine allowance, to pass judgment on boyfriends and decide whether or not they can borrow the car. Oh yes, great power.
(The Normandy crewmembers looks at one another trying to decide who she is talking to. There are shrugs.)
BENEZIA: Her children were to be ours – raised to hunt and slay Saren’s enemies. This is how what I was saying earlier ties into my point.
(BENEZIA turns around to face them. All except LIARA are shocked and awkwardly stares or looks away.)
JOHN (quiet): Oh my… guys, her cleavage is ridiculous. What’s she wearing?
GARRUS: It is… striking…
LIARA: She always did love attention. (She sighs.)
BENEZIA: I will not be moved, no matter who you bring into this confrontation.
JOHN: Is it wrong that I’m kinda attracted to her?
GARRUS: Yes. Yes it is.
JOHN: Kay.
JANE: Liara’s here because she wants to be, not because I asked her to. And also because we asked her to.
BENEZIA: What have you told her about me, Liara?
LIARA: What could I say, mother? That you’re insane? Evil? Should I explain how to kill you? What could I say?
BENEZIA: Well, hopefully none of those things! Sheesh! I was hoping you’d said I looked good for my age, y’know…
LIARA: For the last time, you are too old to dress like that! You’re over eight hundred years old!
BENEZIA: Have you ever faced an asari commando unit before?
(JOHN raises his hand.)
JOHN: This one time, yes, in the Voyager clus…
BENEZIA: Shut up!
JANE: I can’t believe you’d kill your own daughter!
BENEZIA: I now realize I should have been stricter with her.
JANE: What? By killing her?
BENEZIA: Yes, a bit of killing never hurt anyone. Why, my mother killed me vigorously whenever I was late from school and it never did me any harm.
JANE (quiet, to LIARA): Your mom is a little crazy. It must be Saren’s influence.
LIARA: No, it’s just her.
(BENEZIA gives a signal and her commandos begin hurling biotic powers about the place. JOHN and JANE are repeatedly knocked to the ground by some sort of ‘stun’ power so it is left to GARRUS and LIARA to kill the commandos. They do after a struggle. More commandos and a team of geth snipers are summoned via BENEZIA waving her hand at them… biotically presumably, but the Shepards are now on their feet. After a while, all of BENEZIA’S help has been killed.)
JANE: Look! Benezia is weakened… somehow! Apparently waving her hand around a few times has drained all of her strength! Wow, she’s not as tough as we were led to believe.
(They approach the Matriarch, who is now exhausted and in some pain)
BENEZIA: It’s this outfit… it’s so tight! But I can still pull it off, right?
(She looks around hopefully.)
JANE and GARRUS: No.
LIARA: No, mother!
JOHN: I think she looks great!
BENEZIA: This… is not over. Saren is unstoppable.
JANE: He really, really isn’t.
BENEZIA: I will not betray him! You will… you…
(BENEZIA gains new strength and faces her attackers.)
BENEZIA: You must listen. I can fight Saren’s compulsions briefly, but the indoctrination is strong. People are not themselves around Saren. The key is Sovereign, his flagship. It is a dreadnought of incredible size and its mind control power is extraordinary.
JOHN: Are you wearing… like, padding under there or is that all you? Cause if it is, then kudos!
BENEZIA: It is natural. Saren sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay. It’s position was lost thousands of years ago.
JANE: Y’know, maybe while she’s broken free of Saren’s will we should tie her up. For her safety and ours?
JOHN: Too much like hard work. We’ll just have to kill her if she goes crazy again.
JANE: Damnit John! Quickly, Benezia, give us the location of the Relay!
BENEZIA: Luckily I keep a copy of the co-ordinates on disc with me at all times. Here you are.
(She pulls an OSD from her, uhm, dress and hands it to JANE.)
BENEZIA: Saren never told me his destination, but you must find out quickly! You have to stop… me… his teeth are at my ear… fingers on my spine…
JANE: Are you a poet, by chance? Because that gets really annoying in everyday conversation.
BENEZIA: I can’t… you should… die!
(JOHN shoots her once with a shotgun and shrugs. BENEZIA slumps to the floor, breathing heavily.)
BENEZIA: Ow!
JANE: See, that’s why we should have tied her up. Are you free of the indoctrination again?
BENEZIA: I still hear it… like metal on metal, squealing and reverberating…
JANE: Enough poetry! Yes or no, please!
BENEZIA: Yeah. And thanks for robbing me of my last chance to come up with a decent piece.
(BENEZIA slumps to the floor.)
LIARA: Mother!
JANE: Hold on. We’ve got medi-gel – we’ve yet to encounter an illness or injury it can’t instantly cure!
BENEZIA: For some reason it won’t help. Good night, little wing. I will see you again with…
JANE: Little wing? Are you a Hendrix fan? I’m surprised.
BENEZIA: No… damn you… just trying to write one last… knew I recognized that from somewhere… Hendrix, is it?
JANE: Yes. It’s a Hendrix song.
GARRUS: Stay with us!
BENEZIA: Good night, voodoo ch… goddamn it…
(She dies. LIARA wanders off to be alone with her thoughts. JANE takes a glance after her but follows JOHN, who approaches the massive, caged rachni queen that none of them had noticed. As they get closer and peer at the huge being, one of the dead asari commandos crawls to her feet, eyes closed, and drags herself over to the Shepards. They notice just as the rachni queen shrieks at them. JANE leaps into the air, terrified.)
JANE: Aaargh! Zombie! There’s a zombie in here! Why are there so many different kinds of zombies?
(She is frozen. JOHN steps back and trains his pistol on the ZOMBIE as it begins to speak.)
ZOMBIE ASARI: This one serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low space-es. Your musics are colourless. We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. We are rachni.
(JANE shakes off her zombie-based catatonia and approaches the queen, realizing the ZOMBIE is not after her brains. JOHN fails to understand why she addresses the queen.)
JANE: Did you order your people to copy the exact plot of the first two Alien films?
ZOMBIE ASARI: No… that was… developers… the plot is beyond our song. It has been… lost to silence. What will you sing? Will you release us? Will we… sing once more?
GARRUS: The rachni were a threat to the galaxy. Those tanks above her are filled with acid. If she gets out of hand, they dissolve her.
LIARA: They made a mistake and let the krogan go too far. This is a chance for us to atone.
JOHN (sarcastic): Always a difficult choice… will we free the giant monster scorpion who reproduces murderous, sentient, smaller scorpions, or… not do that? Hmm…
JANE: It’s not that simple, John. She’s completely innocent. Garrus, if you’re in favour of killing her based solely on her race then I’m afraid you have to leave my group and join John’s.
JOHN: Screw that – I don’t want him.
JANE: Hmph. If we let you live, will you attack other races again?
ZOMBIE ASARI: No! Honest! Uhm… we would seek refuge and be lovely and non-threatening. We would open a fruit stand or something. See – friendly! Everyone loves fruit, right?
JOHN: Well I’m sold.
GARRUS: Is it at all possible that we could leave this decision to the Citadel government, seeing as it has next to nothing to do with us?
JOHN: No, we have to decide this instant.
JANE: For reasons I’ll never be able to explain, Garrus, that’s not an option.
(She shrugs.)
GARRUS (disheartened): Oh. Okay.
(JOHN reaches for the acid control panel.)
JOHN: Make your peace with the galaxy. The rachni are a dead race.
ZOMBIE ASARI: Make my peace with the galaxy? What does that mean?
JOHN: Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become.
JANE: Johnny, no. I’ve watched you kill gangsters, thugs, slavers, but an entire species? I can’t let you do that.
(JOHN laughs it off as he looks for the right button. Enraged, JANE leaps onto him and they angrily fistfight. After several punches have been exchanged, JANE’S body lands hard on the control panel and they hear a scream from inside the tank. Startled, they stop fighting and look. The queen is drenched in acid, which dissolves her body. JANE is horrified.)
JANE: Oh God…! Oh God, oh God, oh God… John, oh God…!
GARRUS: If they have acid for blood and they can spit acid, how come acid hurts them?
JANE: Shut the hell up, Garrus. This is not the time. Oh my God…
JOHN: Maybe it’s a special kind of acid. I dunno.
(There is a pause. JANE’s mouth is wide-open. She doesn’t blink.)
Okay, that was fun. Let’s get out of here. We’re looking for signs with pictures of a tram on them.
(JOHN and GARRUS leave. JANE and LIARA are somewhat stunned. After a moment they follow too.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:32:20 GMT 1
Chapter 14 – Exacting Revenge
INT: NORMANDY COMMS ROOM: NIGHT:
(After a debriefing the party members file out of the comms room, leaving JOHN and JANE with a hologram of Council members CURLY, LARRY and MOE.)
CURLY: I see you two have some bruising. Have you been fighting again?
JOHN and JANE (sheepish): Yes.
CURLY: Now say you’re sorry and make up.
JOHN: She hit me first!
JANE: He was trying to k…
LARRY: It doesn’t matter who started it!
CURRY: Say you’re sorry.
(JOHN and JANE mumble something.)
CURRY: Good. Now, children, is this report accurate? You found rachni on Noveria?
LARRY: Found them and wiped them out! Do you take pleasure from committing genocide, Shepard?
JOHN: Depends on the speci…
(JANE coughs loudly so he doesn’t hear.)
LARRY: What?
JANE: He said ‘It was them or us’ Councilor.
LARRY: I’m sure.
JANE: In my defence – I tried to set the rachni free.
LARRY: I know this. You attempted to set the rachni loose in the galaxy! Our children’s children would have paid the price if you were wrong about them. What were you thinking?
JANE: There’s just no pleasing you, is there Larry? I mean, Councilor Larry.
LARRY: No, there isn’t. By the way, your report was too short and also too long.
CURLY: Your father’s just in a bad mood today. Ignore him. Now we have something else to discuss. We have received information that may be critical to your mission against Saren.
(There is a brief pause. CURLY nudges MOE harshly. He seems to have been daydreaming.)
MOE: Whuh? What time is it? I’m hungry.
CURLY (harshly): We have received information that may be critical to their mission against Saren.
MOE: Oh… yes, that. Ahem. We received an urgent message from one of our infiltration regiments in the Traverse. They were gathering intel on Saren. They were trying to find out details, such as his last name, and why he has yet to appear in the game except in the opening scenes. The message we received was just static, but whatever they were trying to tell us, it was important. The signal originated from the planet Virmire. (Pause.) Is that it? Can I go back to sleep now? I was in my happy place there.
CURLY: Go ahead. Commanders, we thought you’d like to know about this. We try not to get involved in the specifics of Spectre activity but we want you to be aware of all your options, including Virmire.
JANE: So are you going to send a rescue team in? It sounds like they’re in trouble!
CURLY: No, we’re just going to pass it to you and forget about it, without the promise of your help. That’s how we do things.
JANE: What a laissez-faire attitude! Okay, we’ll check it out.
(CURLY puts her hands over her ears.)
CURLY: Not listening! Not listening! Don’t want to know about Spectre business! Don’t want to think about spies in danger! La la la la la la not our concern la la la…
(The image of the Council fades away.)
INT: ENGINE ROOM: NIGHT:
(JANE peeks cautiously into the engine room and sees that poor TALI is all alone in a corner while everyone else has fled to the other end and set-up some sort of sound-proofed barrier around themselves. JANE frowns at ADAMS, thinking this is cruel, but he just shakes his head sternly. Despite herself, JANE heads over to cheer the quarian up.)
TALI (sad): Oh. Hello, Shepard.
JANE: Are you okay?
TALI: I don’t know. Your ship is amazing and your crew has been really great to me.
JANE: Really?
TALI: Yes, but I just sort of feel… out of place. The Normandy runs so smooth it’s like we’re not even moving. And how do you sleep at night on board this ship?
JANE: Do you mean because it’s so quiet and as a nomad you have difficulty sleeping without the reassuring hum of an engine beside you?
TALI: No, the quiet is nice. I mean because of that stupid xylophone music that’s on a constant loop all the time on board. It’s like water torture – it never ends!
JANE: Xylophone music?
TALI: Listen for a moment.
(They both fall quiet, which must be very difficult for TALI. After a moment JANE starts to notice the highly repetitive xylophone music.)
JANE: Oh yeah, that. It’s for ambiance.
TALI: It’s driving me mad! At least change it to a different instrument or something!
JANE: I’ll, uh, see what I can do.
TALI: I might be able to forget it if I ever left the ship, Shepard. Why do I never get picked to go on missions? Even the little ones! Everybody else has been on one, even Garrus, and everyone knows he’s the most boring member of the crew!
JANE: Oh yeah… uh… well, I’m afraid that’s John’s responsibility. It’s not up to me. If it were, you’d be coming along every time, let me tell you.
TALI: Really? You mean it?
JANE: Yes, I think you’re great. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go deal with something very urgent and yet non-specific in the cargo bay.
TALI: I’ll come with you.
JANE: No! I mean… I think Chief Engineer Adams wanted to ask you about the history of the… uh… geth.
TALI: Oh, great! I’ll go tell him all about it!
(JANE smiles sweetly at ADAMS as she leaves. He seems confused, then his eyes widen with terror as TALI approaches.)
INT: CARGO BAY: NIGHT:
(JANE enters the cargo bay in a hurry to find ASHLEY and JOHN with glass tumblers and a bottle of dodgy-looking liquor. She approaches.)
ASHLEY: Hey Commander. Interested in joining us for a quick drink? It’s a special occasion.
JANE: Last time I checked the Alliance Navy was dry. Where’d you get this?
ASHLEY: The Commander had it in his quarters.
JOHN: That’s not all. I got a fridge full of beers too. You’d be surprised how many command decisions and missions I’ve taken after a few drinks.
JANE: I really wouldn’t. What’s the occasion?
ASHLEY: It’s Armistice Day, when the First Contact War ended. My family always celebrates it.
JANE: Seems like an odd thing to celebrate. That was twenty-six years ago.
ASHLEY: You think the end of a recent, interstellar war seems like an odd thing to celebrate? Who could possibly take issue with that?
JANE: Leave me alone. I’ve had a hard day. So why does your family celebrate it?
ASHLEY: Don’t tell me you don’t know about my family. It’s not in my files or something?
(The Shepards exchange confused glances.)
JANE: I thought your files were lost…
JOHN: I might have accidentally spilled beer on ’em. Haven’t got around to reading them yet.
ASHLEY: I’m General Williams’ granddaughter. The Commander of the Shanxi garrison. The only human ever to surrender to an alien race.
JANE: Hell, I see people surrendering to non-humans on a daily basis. There are all kinds of alien pirates and mercenaries getting surrenders from humans. There’s slavers…
ASHLEY: Yeah, well my family’s blacklisted anyway. Takes a special kind of thickhead to join up in spite of all that. I’m not gonna let our name go down with Arnold and Quisling.
JANE: In fairness, Quisling’s name only went down because it was a funny name.
JOHN: Am I the only one who’s never heard of any of these guys? Aren’t Arnold and Quisling those stage magicians with the tiger?
ASHLEY: No sir, that’s Quizrold and Arling. My grandfather famously surrendered the garrison to the turians after they bombarded it from orbit and occupied the major cities. Civilians were dying, his troops were starving and he couldn’t contact Alliance High Command.
JANE: So… he couldn’t possibly have won and to continue would have cost lives. How is surrender a bad thing?
ASHLEY: It’s not, as far as I can tell, but Alliance Navy has some real idiots in command. Plus, the British tabloids made a big deal out of it because they had a slow news-week. Eventually my granddad was public enemy number one.
JANE: People can be unbelievable jackasses. It’s not like humans never surrendered a battle before! To think we fought an entire war against far superior forces and only surrendered one garrison – you’d think that’d be seen as a good track record!
ASHLEY: That’s not how the ‘Daily Mirror’ told it.
JOHN: Oh wait! Is your grandfather General Poopypants?
ASHLEY (sighs): Yes. He didn’t actually do that.
JOHN: Well then that story is no longer as much fun.
ASHLEY: So, Shepard, you still interested in me? Baggage and all?
JOHN: Slightly less.
JANE: Oh! Okay, maybe I’ll go drink over here…
(As ASHLEY continues to give JOHN strong come-ons that bounce off his head, JANE wanders over to GARRUS, who is typing away as usual.)
GARRUS: Commander. Good to see you again.
JANE: So Garrus, I’ve been curious – what precisely is it that you’ve been typing all this time?
GARRUS: I’m on an internet forum, called ex-c-secandlovingit.com. It’s for retired or disillusioned C-Sec officers to complain about how much they hated C-Sec. Right now I’m lambasting some junior officer who tried to defend C-Sec’s most recent security protocol pamphlet but double-posted! What a loser.
JANE: That’s even less interesting than what I imagined. So you must have had some good times at your old job? Some adventures?
GARRUS: Well not as much as you, and my stories all have sad endings where I wind up complaining about C-Sec.
JANE: Shocking. Do tell.
GARRUS: I remember this salarian geneticist I was sent to investigate. That case was a bit… disturbing. There was an increase in the trade of organs. We weren’t sure if there was a new black market lab or if some freak was harvesting organs from citizens.
JANE: Whoah, Garrus! This actually sounds like a good story! Does that happen a lot – trading in organs?
GARRUS: Quite often, but not in the numbers I was seeing. In my first year we found this one elcor diplomat who was hacking people up and selling their organs.
JANE: An elcor… hacking people up? That is the weirdest image my mind has ever processed…
GARRUS: Yes, I almost went mad. He kept describing everything he was doing in that slow, dull monotone. It was like listening to Hannibal Lecter on a damaged audio tape.
JANE: What did you do with this salarian?
GARRUS: His name was Dr Saleon. We got some of his employees in for interrogation. While I was ‘interviewing’ one, I came across something suspicious.
JANE: You mean ‘threatening’ – was that really necessary?
GARRUS: Ah come on, there’s no reward for getting all the paragon points! I thought it was necessary at the time and it paid off.
JANE: All right, sorry. I’ve been around John so much lately I’m just used to immediately criticising any practices less than saintly.
GARRUS: Understood. So this employee started bleeding and freaked out when I tried to examine him. It turned out he had incisions all over his body. These people were walking, living test tubes.
JANE: He was growing parts inside these people?
GARRUS: Exactly.
JANE: Wow! Did he pay well?
GARRUS: No, only a small percentage. The guy we talked to said his previous job was with a fast food chain. I think I understand his decision to switch. At least Dr Saleon’s practices were more hygienic than his last workplace.
JANE: I hope this guy got what he deserved.
GARRUS: That’s the part where I start complaining about C-Sec. He ran with some of his employees for the nearest space dock. He threatened to kill them if we tried to stop his ship leaving.
JANE: I guess there’s nothing you can do about that except track the ship. Does the most advanced police force in the galaxy have any kind of tracking equipment?
(GARRUS goes quiet for a moment.)
GARRUS: That actually never occurred to me.
JANE: Oy. So did you let him go?
GARRUS: I ordered Citadel Defence to shoot him down, but C-Sec headquarters told me that blasting a spaceship full of hostages in two was ‘over-the-top’ and ‘technically murder’. And that destroying the spaceship they were on would be a silly way to save people’s lives.
JANE: Yeah, well…
GARRUS: Also they were worried about civilian casualties if the ship was destroyed so close to the Citadel.
JANE: Uh-huh.
GARRUS: I told them those hostages were dead anyway – he’d just use them to make more organs. They said my argument made no sense because they were his employees and volunteered for the job. Then I started crying and ran out of the room.
JANE: You’re a very confused young man, aren’t you? C-Sec is a security team, not a guild of assassins! You’re supposed to be protecting people.
GARRUS: Hmm… I can see your point.
JANE: My point? This isn’t a matter of opinion, Garrus! If you’re chasing one man with temporary hostages, it’s just not smart to risk the lives of all the hostages and also anyone else in the vicinity just so you can kill the suspect! This should have been in your basic training!
GARRUS: Exactly – C-Sec let us down with the training programme!
JANE: Oh shut up.
GARRUS: I just wish I could have stopped him, that’s all.
JANE: Did you take the ship’s transponder frequency?
GARRUS: I did, and I tracked him down. He changed his name to Heart, but I couldn’t convince anyone to check it out.
JANE: All right. Here’s what we do – we follow the signal, board him and attempt to arrest him. If he takes hostages, we lean toward strategies that do not involve their immediate deaths.
GARRUS: Interesting approach, Commander. But take me with you.
JANE: Of course I’m taking you with me – that’s the point! I’m going to get you to pick a side and get you off the moral fence. Maybe it’ll stop you from being so damn miserable.
INT: MSV FEDELE: DAY:
(The next morning, JANE and GARRUS step out of the Normandy’s boarding ramp and into the independent freighter MSV Fedele. It is quiet, dark and empty.)
JANE: Sure is creepy in here.
GARRUS: Indeed. Are you all right, Commander?
JANE: I’m still a little shaken up from yesterday. I’ll be fine. Come on.
(They move deeper into the ship and find themselves in the middle of a huge hall full of crates. Soon they are lost among the various passages between the crates.)
GARRUS: It’s kinda claustrophobic too.
JANE: It really is. Thank goodness this is the one place in the galaxy that isn’t full of zo…
ZOMBIE: Braaaaaaaiiins!
JANE: Aaargh! For Pete’s sake, not here too!
(A horde of zombies, once DR SALEON’S test subjects, charge them, attempting to claw at them and moaning weirdly. JANE drops her gun in terror and shakes.)
JANE (babbling): Ohmygodohmygodsurroundedbyzombies onlyGarruswithmegoingtodiegoingtodierightnow Garrusisuselesssoincrediblyuseless…
GARRUS: Hey!
(GARRUS turns toward her, angry, then is struck by a zombie. He grabs his assault rifle and fires countless rounds at the creature at point blank range, missing it entirely.)
JANE: Whydidn’tIbringJohnny?Goingtobeeatenbyzombies…
(GARRUS brilliantly attempts to stun the zombies by sabotaging their weapons.)
JANE: NoweaponsGarrusthey’rezombiesyouidiotyouunbelieveableidiot…
(GARRUS is bitten by a zombie and falls to the ground. The test subjects begin to circle around JANE. Just as one closes around her neck it is thrown by an unseen force a few feet away, landing on its back. JANE turns to see KAIDEN.)
JANE: Carth!
KAIDEN: That’s right! Well…
JANE: You’ve come to rescue me! Like you said you would! All that crap about cutting corners the other day that didn’t make any sense at all – you were talking about this moment!
KAIDEN: Actually, no. Your brother asked me to find you and tell you to run him a bath. And apparently ‘Mister Coffee Pot is feeling lonely’. He said you’d know what that means.
(With renewed energy, JANE gets up off the floor and bashes two zombies into unconsciousness with her until-now-unused assault rifle. Grimacing with rage she spins the gun around and blasts the rest of them to shreds. The last zombie falls soon but she keeps firing at the remains until the gun is overheated. JANE breathes heavily as she drops the weapon. GARRUS gets up.)
JANE (serenely): Tell him I’m busy, Carth.
(JANE has wide, unblinking eyes.)
KAIDEN: Yes ma’am. Do you want me to come with you?
JANE (gentle voice): No thank you. I already have Garrus to run in front of me when I’m shooting. You go tell John I’m tearing up zombies. And if you’d be kind enough, please make me a hot drink for when we get back. We shan’t be long.
KAIDEN (nervous): Uh, you got it, ma’am.
JANE: Stop calling me ma’am.
KAIDEN: I don’t wanna be out of line. Maybe I got the wrong signals…
JANE: Shut up. You’re not out of line. Start taking the hints before I club you to death. Call me Shepard.
(KAIDEN nods, smiles and leaves. JANE turns to GARRUS, her eyes now slightly bloodshot and one hand shaking.)
JANE: Let’s go find Doctor Saleon.
(They investigate a few empty rooms until they find DR SALEON hiding behind a door. JANE still breathes heavily and does not blink.)
DR SALEON: Thank you! Thank you for saving me from those things!
GARRUS: That’s him. Dr Saleon.
DR SALEON: What? My name is Heart! Doctor Heart! It’s a very popular salarian name! I was just… driving my spaceship here without a crew when these… zombie… pirates ambushed me! They wanted my wallet, so I hid in here…
(Pause.)
DR SALEON: Okay, I’ll come clean. It’s me all right. That’s a ridiculous cover story. I don’t know who I thought I was kidding…
GARRUS: There’s no escape this time, Doctor. I’d harvest your organs first, but we don’t have the time.
JANE: Been spending some time with Wrex down in the cargo hold?
DR SALEON: He’s crazy! Please, don’t let him do this to me!
JANE: Good idea, Garrus. Let’s kill the zombie-loving bastard.
GARRUS: I see what you’re doing. You’re using reverse psychology to make me realize how I sound…
JANE: No, I’m pissed off because I almost got killed by zombies. Let’s kill him right now.
GARRUS: I understand your point, Commander. If we kill him immediately, we’ll never find out what he was up to or how he did it. We’ll take him in, interrogate him and he’ll serve his time.
JANE (angry): I… okay. (Sighs.) You’re right.
GARRUS: You’re a very lucky salarian. You owe the Commander your life.
(JANE shakes off her temporary blood-lust and blinks rapidly.)
JANE: What the hell was I about to do…? Thank God we didn’t kill him.
(GARRUS seems confused and DR SALEON takes the opportunity to jog at a leisurely pace to the back end of the room.)
DR SALEON: Now’s my chance! I’ll teleport through the walls somehow – it’s the perfect escape plan!
(GARRUS shoots the doctor dead.)
GARRUS: And so he dies anyway. What was the point of that?
JANE (incredulous): What? Why did you shoot him?
GARRUS: He was… uh… running! I got scared!
JANE: He was jogging! To a dead end! There was no point, Garrus – that’s why I brought you here – to show you that revenge is meaningless and never justified! But of course, being Garrus, you just had to make a ludicrous mistake and kill him anyway. Well done.
GARRUS: Oh, uh…
JANE: Frankly I’m hugely concerned that you thought killing him was a good idea in the first place. You’re supposed to be an officer of the law and your idea of justice is to hunt down and kill anyone who gets away from you? You idiot.
(Pause.)
GARRUS: Yeah… I never met anyone like you, Commander. Someone who was able to arrest someone without murdering them. Someone with above average intelligence and a shred of decency, and who didn’t immediately kill someone they had a grudge with.
JANE: Garrus, you are really, really weird. You know that?
(JANE turns, still shaking slightly, and leaves. GARRUS follows, looking thoughtful.)
INT: NORMANDY CREW MESS: DAY:
(Still in her armour, JANE strolls over to KAIDEN, who has a cup of coffee waiting for her.)
KAIDEN: Here you are, Shepard.
JANE: Thank you. I’m really sorry if I snapped at you before. Zombies really screw me up. I appreciate the drink.
KAIDEN: No problem. Do you have a moment to talk? We haven’t had much of chance since last time.
JANE: Last time we talked you were trying to make a point about your old teacher Vyrnnus. The one you killed. What happened?
KAIDEN: Well, the class was immediately cancelled and Conatix folded a couple of years after that. I was able to avoid facing charges by using my innocent, charming ways on the judge. She kept asking me to call her ‘Revan’ and tell her how I couldn’t hate her. It was weird, but it worked.
JANE: I can sympathise.
KAIDEN: After Vyrnnus died, Rahna stopped talking to me. It left me with very slight psychological scarring that effects my personality in a fairly minor and largely beneficial way to this day. It’s funny, I’m not sure whether me or Vyrnnus got the worst of what happened.
(JANE arches an eyebrow.)
KAIDEN: It’s Vyrnnus, isn’t it?
JANE: Yes it is.
KAIDEN: So anyway, I dropped out for a while and…
JANE: He got the worst because he died.
KAIDEN: You’re right. That was a stupid thing to say. But after that Vyrnnus wasn’t a ‘turian’ to me. He w…
JANE: I’d say death is pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you as a result of a fight to the death.
KAIDEN: Agreed. Sorry.
JANE: It’s certainly worse than losing your girlfriend.
KAIDEN: Right. Please let it go.
JANE (smiles): Okay. And here I was concerned you were a one-dimensional Clark Kent-esque nerd.
KAIDEN: I’ve got a few clichéd mannerisms. I think they give me character.
JANE: They don’t, but go on.
KAIDEN: I don’t think we’ll be operating without support for much longer. Pretty soon the Council will see what’s going on. I’m glad you’ll be here when it’s over, Shepard. I’m… uh… looking forward to some shore leave.
JANE: Wow! Was that you being sexy, Kaiden?
KAIDEN: It was me trying. And thanks for remembering my name.
JANE: I’m working on remembering your last name too. We’ll work on your sexy voice later, Kaiden. Liara can help. Trust me, she’s great at it.
KAIDEN: I’d like that. Wait – what?
(JANE turns to leave and enjoys a mouthful of fresh coffee.)
INT: CARGO BAY: DAY:
(JANE runs into GARRUS again.)
JANE: Afternoon Garrus. Killed anyone else today?
GARRUS: About that, Commander. I wanted to thank you for what you said. You’ve really made me think. Maybe it’s not reasonable to kill people. Maybe when we meet Saren, we can even try to take him in.
JANE: Well done, friend. You seem to have learned something today.
GARRUS: Yes, Commander. I’ve learned that… (he concentrates hard) I’ve learned that… that… killing people… is wrong.
(Smiling proudly, JANE puts her hand on the turian’s shoulder.)
JANE: Exactly, Garrus. Exactly.
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:33:29 GMT 1
Chapter 15 – Beach Party
EXT: SPACE OUTSIDE VIRMIRE: DAY:
(The Normandy swoops excitingly through space and towards the lush, vegetation-filed beach paradise of Virmire. Exciting music plays. We are all excited. We hear the crew speaking via voice-overs.)
JOKER: Commander, I’m reading a signal. Must be our salarian infiltration team.
EXT: BEACH PARADISE: DAY:
(The Normandy, having entered Virmire’s atmosphere, flies about excitingly.)
KAIDEN: Check out those defence towers!
(Everyone looks around the screen for air defence towers. There are none.)
JOHN: Drop the Mako. We’ll go in hot and excitingly.
JOKER: Aye aye, sir. Exciting drop imminent.
(The Normandy swoops in an exciting yet insanely dangerous manner between trees and cliffs, only a few metres from the ground, as it drops the Mako, which does a wheelie just in case the scene was not exciting enough. For no reason, JOHN, JANE, WREX and ASHLEY jump out.)
JOHN: We’ll go find these AA towers that Alfonso Ribeiro sensed using his psychic powers. You continue evasive and hopefully exciting manoeuvres until the towers are down!
JOKER: Aye, Commander. I know the drill, despite the fact that this is the first time anything like this has happened.
JOHN: What a pilot. All right, everyone back in the Mako!
JANE: Why did we get out in the first place?
JOHN: My boxers were kinda binding up. Needed to fix that. Now let’s move!
(They jump back into the Mako and speed off until they see a collection of little tripod-like amphibian creatures. They have four legs and a flat top. One of them has a drink resting on its top, put there by some wise guy. The Mako runs it over and it disintegrates discreetly.)
JOHN: Hmph. That wasn’t very funny. I was hoping for a funny noise or a big explosion. Let’s try a few more just in case we got a broken one.
(WREX leans his head out of the window, and tries to intimidate the little, gentle, headless creatures.)
WREX: Looks like the tables have turned for you guys!
JANE: Stop it! John, this is horrible!
(The Mako spins in a circle, driving over five more tripods. Again, they silently, quickly, disintegrate.)
JOHN: It’s horribly disappointing. Oh well, maybe we can kill some other native creatures further in.
(The Mako takes off again, and finds tons of geth to shoot as it wanders around, including a few geth colossi, which are like armatures but bigger. Eventually, the exciting music gets tired and stops. Shortly after, they come to a gatehouse with a big gun attached to it.)
ASHLEY: There’s the artillery tower.
JANE: Kaiden was right! I’m sorry I doubted him. Let’s check it out. Beating the computer’s security to disable the gun could be tricky. We may have to try to destroy the gun. Also, we’ll need some way to open the gate itself. This will take a while.
(They leave the Mako and climb up to the gun’s control room, shooting geth along the way. Inside the control room, they see a large, spinning high-tech gizmo, next to a computer labelled ‘AA gun power’ in English.)
JANE: This… this computer is just a box with ‘stop’ and ‘start’ on it and two buttons. But there’s still the matter of the gate.
(She finds another computer right next to it labelled ‘Gate controls’, and notices bright green and red buttons. With a sigh, she presses a button on each computer.)
JANE: I don’t know how I didn’t see that coming. I ought to be used to it by now.
EXT: SALARIAN CAMP: DAY:
(The Mako and the Normandy have both reached the salarian camp. It would be great if the bat-boat were available to turn up as well, but sadly the Normandy does not have such a thing. Maybe in the sequel. GARRUS, WREX, TALI and LIARA are wandering around. JANE, ASHLEY and KAIDEN are speaking with the salarian Captain, KIRRAHE. JOHN approaches from behind.)
ASHLEY: So what are we supposed to do now?
KIRRAHE: Stay put until we can come up with a plan.
(JOHN arrives.)
JOHN: Sorry I’m late. I was making a sandcastle. It was awesome, but the tide came in. Now, what’s going on?
KIRRAHE: I’m Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment, Random Military-Sounding Titles Division SG1. Officials. We’re waiting for the reinforcements we requested from the Council.
JANE: We are the reinforcements. The Council are extraordinarily unconcerned about your lives but they mentioned you to us in passing. We’re here to investigate.
KIRRAHE: I lost half my men ‘investigating’ this place. It’s Saren’s base of operations, and also his favourite holiday destination, I believe. He’s using the facility to breed an army of krogan.
(WREX appears from nowhere.)
WREX: How is that possible?
JANE: How is it possible that you just appeared behind us? Also, how is it possible that Saren could be ‘breeding’ krogan when it would take many, many years, perhaps decades, for the krogan to reach a suitable age to fight for him?
KIRRAHE: I can only answer the first of those questions, and even then unconvincingly. Apparently, Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage. I don’t know how, or when. I don’t think the writers are even trying to back themselves up anymore. They’ve lost interest.
JANE: They must have gotten tired after filling up the Codex with pages and pages of made up nonsense about element zero and mass effect drives. By now they’ve realised no-one will read it so they just don’t care anymore.
(JANE presses a few buttons on her omni tool. A crisp, clear, American voice begins to narrate for them.)
CODEX GUY: The cure for the genophage was developed by some doctor or other working for Saren for reasons unknown. Creating the cure apparently involves having rows of zombie husks suspended in what appear to be bacta tanks. When the zombies have stood in the tanks all day, the bacta from the tank is mixed with a secret magical cocktail including medi-gel, pixie dust, eleven herbs and spices and an unknown ‘secret’ ingredient until the genophage cure is ready. Then simmer for two hours. The secret ingredient is rumoured to be cough syrup, but Saren refuses to confirm this.
JANE: See what I mean? These guys are just exhausted.
KIRRAHE: We must ensure that this facility and its secrets are destroyed.
JANE: Erm. Why?
KIRRAHE: If that cure leaves the planet the krogan will become unstoppable.
JANE: The krogan are a species, not a military group! All we need do is eliminate Saren’s ability to breed krogan – not destroy the cure altogether!
KIRRAHE: Look here, my men are really bored and want to get off this planet. Have you any idea how long it would take to gain the secrets of the cure? Or how difficult it would be to infiltrate the base’s laboratories in order to do so?
JANE: Infiltration will probably be a case of walking through a few rooms, shooting twenty geth and then finding a big computer marked ‘synthesise genophage cure’. Then al I have to do is press the four butons, all printed in primary colours, in the correct sequence. I’ll give the cure to Wrex here and then that’ll be that.
(KIRRAHE folds his arms, stubbornly.)
KIRRAHE: No. Shan’t. I’ve decided to blow up everything and everyone, including various hostages, in the entire base using a nuclear device.
GARRUS: This plan is morally suspect.
JANE: Good man, Garrus. You’re learning.
ASHLEY: Question – where the hell did you get a nuclear bomb?
KIRRAHE: We have converted our ship’s drive core into one. Luckily the drive core had four big, bright buttons on it that, when pressed in the correct sequence…
JANE: Understood.
(WREX wanders off angrily.)
KIRRAHE: I’d appreciate if you talk to him if he’s going to be a problem. By the way, Commander Rentola inexplicably has a weapons shop set up in a tent over there. I’d like to make up a half-assed explanation for that but I just can’t do it. We’re a small unit of spies who have been here for days with our standard issue of weapons. We have no money and hardly any rations and any time soon we will be detonating a nuclear device, and this guy, who by the way is supposed to be my Commander, has set up a shop. I just have no idea how that is supposed to make sense.
(A pained look on his face, KIRRAHE wanders off. Commander RENTOLA approaches.)
RENTOLA: Good afternoon, my fine humans! I wonder if I can interest you in some weapons and armour? All great prices and excellent condition!
JANE: Where did you get all this stuff?
RENTOLA: Mostly salvaged from our camp – finders keepers, I say! Ha ha! Not too many takers so far, except people punching me and trying to get their stuff back. So, how about a deal?
JANE: You sicken me.
(They leave RENTOLA alone.)
ASHLEY: Sir, Wrex might be trouble. You’d better talk to him.
JOHN: Okay. You be ready, just in case.
ASHLEY: Aye aye.
JANE: Ready to do what?
EXT: OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMP: DAY:
(JOHN and ASHLEY wander over to WREX.)
JANE: Seriously, what are they going to do?
(JOHN and ASHLEY make their way to WREX. ASHLEY is behind him, unseen. WREX notices JOHN.)
WREX: This isn’t right, Shepard. If there’s a cure for the genophage, we can’t destroy it.
JOHN: Some salarian stranger assures me in vague terms that we have no choice. That should be good enough for you, Wrex. Saren’s the bad guy here – don’t confuse me with moral grey areas!
WREX: The lines between friend and foe are getting blurry here. Help me out, Shepard. If you or the writers can’t give me a better explanation to destroy the hopes of my people, then I’m done with you both.
(In a flash WREX pulls a pistol and JOHN pulls a shotgun.)
WREX: Damn. I was going for a shotgun too. Oh well. Too late. Fear my tiny pistol!
JOHN: I can’t let you stop me from blowing things up, Wrex! Just think how cool it’ll look when we detonate a nuclear device!
WREX: So that’s it, after all these… week and a half we’ve been through together, that’s it. I thought we were friends, John. I thought I was the Samuel Jackson to your Bruce Willis, maybe even the John Travolta to your Samuel Jackson. How can you not see what this means to the krogan?
(Moved by the memories of their action movie nights, JOHN relaxes his gun slightly. He summons all his maturity and clear thinking in order to reason with WREX before shooting him.)
JOHN: Saren doesn’t care about these krogan – he’ll destroy them as soon as they’re no longer useful to him! Is that what you want for your people?
(Pause. WREX thinks.)
WREX: John, do you even know what’s going on? I want to save the cure. I don’t care about his private army! Your answer is completely meaningless!
JOHN: Well, I tried to use my brain, and it just hurt my head. Time to give the secret signal. Ash! Kill him! Kill him now!
(ASHLEY shoots WREX in the back with a pistol. Because he is an enormous, armoured, shielded krogan, the bullet has no effect at all. This gives JANE the time to run up and knock the guns out of JOHN, WREX and ASHLEY’s hands.)
JANE: What the hell are you all doing?
JOHN: Uh…
WREX: Well, things got out of hand…
ASHLEY: He’s an alien, so…
JANE: Stop it, you... you idiots! I’ve just spoken with Captain Kirrahe, who informs me that there’s no possible option to save the cure. I’m sorry – I want to do that too but it just can’t be done. God only knows why. The writers seem to have just phoned this whole planet in.
(WREX sighs, and looks at JANE with a newfound respect.)
WREX: All right Shepard. I understand. But when we find these writers, I want their heads.
EXT: SALARIAN CAMP: DAY:
(The party approach Captain KIRRAHE again. He begins to outline his plan.)
KIRRAHE: I’m afraid dropping the bomb from orbit will do no good – the facility is too well-fortified for that. We’ll need to place the bomb at a precise location.
JANE: Too well fortified for a nuclear detonation?
KIRRAHE: Oh yes, it’s made out of the same stuff as Indiana Jones’ fridge.
JANE: Captain, this plan of yours is starting to sound… ridiculous.
KIRRAHE: Hey, who’s the Captain here? Now, rather than just fly in and drop this bomb we’re going to have to disable some turrets first. I propose dividing our forces into two teams – one who will disable the guns and one who will stand around getting shot as they attempt to infiltrate a different area for no good reason. To make sure we all die quicker, this team will be divided into three smaller teams.
JANE: Have you been drinking?
KIRRAHE: I have not, and that makes what I’m about to ask even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me. To co-ordinate the teams, and to provide extra firepower. A lot of my men don’t have guns because Commander Rentola stole them and tried to ransom them back to us. It may be a suicide mission, I’m afraid.
KAIDEN: I volunteer.
ASHLEY: Not so fast, L.T. The Commander will need you to arm the nuke. I’ll go with the salarians.
JOHN: Hell no. You’re staying.
JANE: Well Kaiden isn’t going! I need him to arm the nuke, like Williams said!
KAIDEN: Ma’am, I’m sure the nuke will have brightly-coloured…
JANE: Shut up, Kaiden! Also, he’s ridiculously unskilled in a firefight. He can force-push, and that’s it.
KAIDEN: Hey!
JANE: Shut up, Kaiden!
JOHN: You got a point, but I’ll tell you one thing – Ash is not going! And I don’t see Garrus or Wrex volunteering!
JANE: If only we had an extra party member, who was good with guns and had some tech skills to help the salarians… someone expendable… someone no-one’s in love with… someone… nobody… talks… to…
(TALI appears, happily bounding up to the group.)
TALI: Hey everyone! What are we talking about? Can I maybe go on a mission today? I promise I’ll be quiet!
(She looks hopefully at the Shepards. JOHN is grinning. JANE is shaking her head.)
JANE: We can’t do it, Johnny.
JOHN: You bet your ass we can! Telly, it’s your lucky day. I’ve got a very important miss…
JANE: No, John.
JOHN: Lieutenant Kenickie, then?
(There is a long pause. JANE looks at the floor.)
JANE: We just can’t.
TALI: Oh by the way, Commander, I never got around to telling you all about the civilian branch of quarian government. There are all sorts of fascinating details.
JANE: Oh… not now…
TALI: You see, the Conclave meets every Tuesday at precisely one PM. Except this one time seven years ago when there was an emergency as one of the Conclave members fell ill. He had a cold, but…
JANE: God…
TALI: …it wasn’t serious. I think he said it was flu, but you know how men are about these things! Or at least that’s how quarian men are. I’m not sure if it travels. Anyway…
JANE: Tali, we’ve got a mission for you!
TALI: … he was fine after some chicken soup… wait, pardon me? A mission? For me? Thank you, Shepard!
KIRRAHE: Splendid. I will prepare my men. Most of them seem to be paddling in the water. That’s quite embarrassing.
(He leaves.)
TALI: It feels weird, being under someone else’s command. Being under anyone’s command, in fact. It actually feels weird just not standing in the engine room. Well… I just wanted to say, it’s been an honour talking to you.
JANE: You were… tolerable company… too, Tali.
TALI: That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
JOHN: Goodbye, brave Arabian-ninja-chicken-robot. You’re in charge of one of the teams, so make sure you stand right at the front, facing the enemy.
TALI: Will do, Commander! See you on the other side!
(TALI skips away to prepare. All the rest of the party exhale with relief.)
JANE: The worst part is that now that it’s done, I don’t even feel bad about it.
(The others nod and mutter agreement.)
GARRUS: She was really annoying.
EXT: SALARIAN CAMP TWENTY MINUTES LATER: DAY:
(Captain KIRRAHE has his tiny squad of salarian non-soldiers stood in line, ready for their unarmed distraction assault on the front of a heavily guarded fortress that is about to be hit by a nuclear bomb. Understandably, they seem nervous. KIRRAHE is giving a speech to rouse them. The speech gets everyone’s hackles up, but in a good way.)
KIRRAHE: You all know the mission and what is at stake. I have come to trust each and every one of you with my life, except that idiot Rentola. I have also heard murmurs of discontent. Murmurs like ‘Why do we have to be the distraction?’, ‘How are we going to split five men into three teams?’ and ‘Why does there have to be a distraction anyway?’ And these are all good questions, but I have no answers for you. As salarians we are trained not for glory in battle but for espionage, for amusing turns on the Citadel as comedic salesmen or similar, and for occasional roles in episodes of The X Files. Think of our heroes – Hugh Grant, the charming, bumbling Englishman who so many of us are inspired by whenever we charmingly bumble about with something. Jerry Lewis, for the influence his nerdy, fidgety Nutty Professor had on every one of us. And of course, the great role model of our entire species – David Hyde Pierce, the magnificent actor whose portrayal of Niles Crane in top sitcom Frasier gave a basis to an entire people! These giants do not seem to give us solace here, but they are not all that we are. Our ability to ask the krogan for help stopped the rachni, but before that, we died hopelessly. Our skill in creating hugely immoral bio-weapons and using them on civilians stopped the krogan, but before that, we died hopelessly. Today, our ability to create nuclear devices out of engines in under an hour will stop the geth. But before that, in the battle today, we will die hopelessly!
(The salarians look at each other silently. They seem terrified.)
KIRRAHE: Good luck, Commanders. I hope we will meet again.
JOHN: Yeah, good luck with that.
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