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Post by docfronkensteen on Feb 13, 2011 19:25:59 GMT 1
So I've been reading this since I showed up on this forum, and have really been enjoying it. Plus you've reviewed all of my Mass Effect fics up to this point, so I'll return the favor.
One of the main things I like about this is the great voice and chemistry the characters have, especially Burke and Darius. One of the things I'm big on is realistic dialogue; its tough to make it sound authentic. But you have it nailed down pretty well. Especially Darius' quip about "Burkey boy" and his correction to "Right, Mr. Craddock. Right."
There is a pretty good pacing of events, well balanced with action, character moments, and descriptions of new characters/settings. The only gripe I have was following all of the secondary characters. Most likely a fault of my short attention span(I read fast, and tend to miss things); and not a problem with your writing. I like the music pieces you put for each chapter, it sets a nice tone.
I also like the idea of a "good" mercenary or privateer group. There seems to be only bad ones in the ME universe. (If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them; maybe you can hire.... forgive my pop culture references)
And great job with the cliff hanger on the last chapter. These can be tough to do, often times when I try them the chapter seems to end kind too abruptly.
This fic is very enjoyable, I'll make sure to review more chapters as you post them.
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Post by Cali on Feb 14, 2011 3:58:21 GMT 1
Many thanks! I appreciate the compliments and feedback. Haha, I actually spent five minutes trying to think of a suitable response for Darius. After a lengthy session of pondering, I settled on the uncomplicated phrase you saw. Due to my attention span, I always feared I would not be able to do those things properly. Though if somebody liked it, that makes me feel much better about it. See above. You seem to suffer from the same thing I do. This is a hindrance to things I read, such as novels or other things. It's a lot easier for me to write with this little ball and chain than it is to read through a story, and I find myself spending lengthy amounts of time just to make sure I read a paragraph correctly. Dubstep, industrial rock from the 1980's, film scores from 70's/80's sci fis, and ambient techno are fantastic for the Mass Effect setting. I listen to quite a bit of this type of music when writing Mass Effect fanfiction and I agree, it really helps set the mood, and is a fitting substitute for Jack Wall's original Mass Effect scores. Oh, I agree. If mercs and privateers aren't evil and corrupt, they're quite gray in morality. It's a big universe, many are bound to have a moral conscience and a sense of right and wrong. Keep in mind also that Burke Craddock is heavily inspired by Star Wars expanded universe character Kyle Katarn, in appearance and in character ethics. Brooklyn is also practically based off of Katarn's mission officer, Jan Ors. Both of my adaptations have several changes in character, of course, but that's where the roots are. Thanks! Was worried about making it too immediate, so I tried to make it as believable as possible without leaving too much to question.
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Post by Cali on Feb 15, 2011 1:00:52 GMT 1
Also on a latter note, I proofread Brass Tacks yet again, and I have to say that I don't think I did a decent job with that chapter. I think I rushed it quite a bit, and I meant for the circuit box they found to be mentioned.
Expect edits.
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Post by docfronkensteen on Feb 19, 2011 15:43:25 GMT 1
I really like where the story is going in the three chapters that have been added. It sounds like the crew of the Panera has had shady relations with the Citadel council in the past. I like the idea of the "good government" hiring out the dirty work, so that their image is not tarnished. Giving Burke a drug problem was a really cool idea. Sounds like he's using it to cope with something traumatic in his past. Very interesting, and I look forward to seeing how his addiction and (possible) skeletons in his closet affect his team or mission.
I did have one complaint. THe action bits in the last chapter seemed kind of choppy and hard to read. There was a lot of repeated words. I do this a ton when I write, it bugs me to no end. (I finish writing a couple paragraphs, then notice I used the same adjective or adverb about 20 times.)
*Edit* It seems you have edited the last chapter a bit, and it flows much nicer now.
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Post by Cali on Feb 27, 2011 5:06:42 GMT 1
I've had family over for the past few days, so it'll be now that I just get back into the writing pool. Stay tuned brothahs and sistahs.
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Post by Cali on Mar 2, 2011 2:57:36 GMT 1
Ugh... must... get... on... with... story
*Clunk*
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Post by docfronkensteen on Apr 6, 2011 1:31:22 GMT 1
Ok, I've been falling behind and meaning to do another post here for a while. Lots of good action in the more recent chapters, it was well paced and very.... Action-y. Not sure if this was relieved earlier, but that tidbit about Burke's previous employer was interesting. Keep it coming!
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Post by MassEffectWikia on Jun 5, 2011 2:17:51 GMT 1
I've only read the first chapter so far, but I most say you have some pretty awesome work here. I like how you went into amazing detail! But most of all, I like Brooklyn's bad-ass last name. I'm naming my next Fallout character Seltzer! Keep it up!
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Post by Spaced20 on Jun 21, 2011 17:07:30 GMT 1
Right. Review time. Im on the 2nd chapter) Cali! cali cali cali cali cali......... Loving the story so far, You're way with dialouge is absolutly splendid, giving each of the characters, (espically Burke) a very indivdual feel.
And a merc band who are not gits! HOLY MOLY!!
OH!! And the music is awsome. Fantastic choices. I'll give you a more in depth reivew when i can sit down for an hour and just lose myself in it. very impressed so far, and am looking forward to catching up on the story.
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Post by Cali on Jul 16, 2011 1:27:04 GMT 1
New chapter up, at long last!
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Post by Cali on Jan 11, 2012 3:02:48 GMT 1
Phew! Six thousand word chapter up. Pretty long compared to my usual twenty-five to three-thousand word average for them.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Mar 4, 2012 0:54:25 GMT 1
I read those articles myself, well done.
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Post by Mister Buch on Apr 3, 2012 16:43:40 GMT 1
I'm reading the fic for the first time - I normally don't go for such long ones, but this is good and I was curious after talking with you, Cali. I am only a few chapters in, but here is a review:
You have a great handle on the action - the tension and point-to-point plotting of it comes across solid, readable and exciting, which is hard to pull off if you ask me.
Burke and the crew are interesting and seem very 'real' - you get the sense these are people and that their dialogue has much more to it than the plot - that there are backstories here. I also loved that for once Mass Effect has a mercenary crew here who aren't faceless shireking lunatics there for cannon fodder.
You have a teriffic sense of the technology and the world - the 'feel' of Mass Effect. There was a bit early on about a guard lighting a cigarette with his omni-tool. Excellent.
----
If I may push my luck, I'll criticise the way it's written!
It's written well - the narrative makes great points and holds the plot very effectively - but I think it 'goes on'. Often you will over-describe things, use uncessesarily fancy vocabulary and too many adjectives. This is a small thing but I do notice it because I make it slows the pace down and seems awkward, especially in action scenes, and seems to muddy-up the very good plot, character and narrative points you make.
For instance the very first line where you describe time as a 'scope of chronology' - that doesn't seem to add anything but did distract me from what you were saying about time - and then you have 'that dwells within its synapse' where, say, 'inside it' might have actually been better. You show off too much, is what I'm saying. Quite arrogantly, but I mean it. That stuff is more effective when it's sparse.
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Post by Cali on Apr 3, 2012 20:42:35 GMT 1
I'm not going to lie, Buch. I'm kind of like David Gaider when it comes to flogging a thesaurus. Also adjectives.
Though the earlier chapters were written over a year ago when I was still developing, not to say its an excuse, but it does explain it.
As I've said to you before over chat, Cyan Steel's got a bit of editing to do once I complete it.
Thanks for reading by the way!
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Post by Mister Buch on Apr 3, 2012 21:33:54 GMT 1
Well that was *the* criticism, and it's very rare I have just one!
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