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Post by Clint Johnston on Oct 12, 2011 6:11:37 GMT 1
Well, so much for the double chapter reducing the time in between. But in my defense, it's been a busy few months. Please reply in the comment thread if you're enjoying this or if you think I screwed something up. I can't adjust anything if I don't know that it's annoying.Mock Effect 2
Chapter 16: Nice Place, But You Wouldn’t Want To Live Here!
Part 1: The Right Rite
INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MIRANDA’S OFFICE: DAY
Con’td from chapter 15:[/i] MIRANDA: If only I was as skilled as you. My father spent billions making me perfect, and you come along and outclass me with no effort.
JANE: In fairness, I am the protagonist. The programmers are sort of required to make me a Mary Sue.
MIRANDA: Do you know how much I admire you, Shepard?
JANE: Not half as much as (Camera Fizzles) (YEOMAN KELLY CHAMBERS drops the remnants of the security camera which so recently had been the favorite of the viewers on the engineering deck)JANE: Finally! I thought you’d never pull the plug!
MIRANDA: Whew. We were going to have to a really awkward conversation, Shepard.
KELLY: I thought you two looked, like, totally sweet together!
JANE: Yes, we get it, you embrace all sexual preferences. Now go away. Wait. Before you disappear, ask Mordin & Grunt to come meet me in the chairless meeting room.
KELLY: Like, Aye Aye, Ma’am!
MIRANDA: Is she all there?
JANE: A few ink blots short of a Rorschach test, if you ask me. But your boss hired her specifically to be my sec… er …ship psychologist. Think about that the next time you praise your infallible leader. (Leaving MIRANDA to puzzle that out, JANE takes the elevator up to the Command Deck, waking up JOHN with a cup of water to the face on the way. They walk together to the Chairless Meeting Room. MORDIN SOLUS, the Salarian scientist, and GRUNT, the genetically perfect Krogan, are waiting for them.)JOHN: Yo, Grunt. How’s it hangin’?
GRUNT: (To Mordin) Humans have the strangest expressions. Do you have the slightest clue what’s supposed to be suspended?
MORDIN: No idea. Smile and nod. Will satisfy human requirements. Provide verbal confirmation upon continued askance.
JANE: I asked you both up here because both of you requested to go to Tuchanka. I figured we might as well get the entire planet done on one trip. Mordin, what did you have to do?
MORDIN: Colleague captured by Blood Pack. Wish to rescue him. Time sensitive.
JOHN: Wait, why is it a rush job? I wanted to explore the Krogan homeworld. Sounds like a happening place!
JANE: Mordin, did you tell anyone else about your research?
MORDIN: (Gulp) No. Personal. Private. Again, Time Sensitive.
JOHN: What does his research have to do with anything?
JANE: Because our Dr. Solus here created a newer and better Genophage, and one of his…
GRUNT: WHHHHHAAAAT? (In a sudden rage, he smashes his plated head into the nearest wall, smashing a huge hole in it.)
JOHN: Stop putting holes in my ship!
GRUNT: (Calms self by taking several deep breaths) I’m sorry, Commander. But that’s what I needed to see you about. I’ve been having these rages lately, and I don’t know why.
JANE: (Disengaging herself from the furthest corner of the room) Er… why didn’t you see Dr. Bastillasmother?
GRUNT: Well, last I checked, she was human, and probably not all that up to date on sick Krogan. And two, she’s always plastered. I don’t want to end up in a worse fix. So I was hoping I could visit a Krogan Doc on Tuchanka?
MORDIN: Safe to re-enter? (crawls out from under table)
GRUNT: Sorry, I shouldn’t have lost it there, Mordin.
MORDIN: No harm done. Needed to test heart, bladder, and hypothalamus simultaneously anyway. Everything working correctly. Excuse me. Need to change. (JOHN & JANE walk to the bow, where JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU is discussing classic vids with EDI)EDI: I fail to see the point, Jeff. It does not matter if the top tips or not.
JOKER: But don’t you see? If the top tips, then it’s real. If the top doesn’t tip, it’s another dream. How do you not get this?
EDI: Being an artificial intelligence, I see all life as unreal.
JOKER: Augh! I give up. What’s up Commanders?
JANE: Can you plot a course for Tuchanka? We need to do some more loyalty missions.
JOKER: Are you sure we can find parking?
JOHN: Just plot the course.
JOKER: No, seriously, what with the Vidfest and all.
JOHN: Listen, whiny person whose bones break easily…
EDI: Jeff is correct, Lint Remover Shepard, there is a high volume of activity on Tuchanka at the moment. A vidfest featuring the work of the winner of the Galactic Oscars for worst picture.
JANE: Worst Picture? There’s an award for that?
JOKER: Since the Academy realized no one was watching their lame tearjerkers and confusing films in High Salarian, yes.
EDI: One participant has won awards for worst writing consecutively for three years. The event is in his honor. Krogan from numerous clans will be attending.
JANE: (Muttering) And this is the day I have to stop by with scientist who fixed the Genophage. (Looks up) Why me?
JOHN: I don’t know. And why do you keep looking up all and saying that all the time?
JANE: Nevermind. EXT: TUCHANKA: LANDING AREA(The Normandy finds a place to park and the shuttle easily transports JANE, JOHN, MORDIN & GRUNT to the guest landing deck. They exit the shuttle and are greeted by a large Krogan who does not look at all happy in a tuxedo. He addresses them gruffly)KROGAN: The Clan Leader wants to speak with you. Keep your rutting pet on a short leash. Get him the Rite soon, or put him down!
JOHN: Which one?
JANE: John! I’m sorry sir? What rite?
KROGAN: The Rite.
JANE: The Rite?
KROGAN: Right
JANE: Which Rite?
KROGAN: The Right Rite!
JANE: Riiiight.
KROGAN: Around the corner, hang a right.
JOHN: Huh?
MORDIN: Krogan sense of humor improved. Intelligence levels remain same. (With GRUNT shaking his head, JANE leads them all down a long hallway to a large center room with many torches. Apparently someone tried to deck the place out, but forgot Tuchanka was mostly craters. Consequently there is a lot of brightly lit rubble with a red carpet around it.)GRUNT: This is it? Okeer made it sound like a paradise of victory.
MORDIN: Results exaggerated. Often case with amateurs. (They are approached by a Krogan Valet, or so they assume based on his red jacket, of other interest is the enormous missile launcher in his hand.)JOHN: Love the gun, man.
JANE: You’re the first armed valet I’ve ever seen.
VALET: You’d be surprised.
JANE: We need to see the boss. Or the lead scout. My paperwork isn’t clear.
VALET: I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait to see the Clan Leader. He’s having a civil discussion with a colleague. (They peer over the Valet’s shoulder, to see two Krogan talking. One with green plates is addressing the other, who has his back to them)GREEN PLATES: You honestly think your reforms will not go unopposed? You cannot subject the audience to another 3-D explosion without more impossible stunts! You risk appearing weak at a critical time!
CLAN LEADER: I’ll drag your clan to glory whether you like it or not. The Galaxy is ripe for more audience interaction.
GREEN PLATES: You abandoned many traditions to get your way! (The CLAN LEADER offers no response to this, merely turning and with a grumble, smashing his head plate into the Green-plated Krogan’s head. The offending Krogan backs away, muttering. The leader turns to see the landing party and eagerly waves them up to the dais. When they get closer, JOHN is delighted to see that it’s URDNOT WREX, his compatriot from their previous adventures)JOHN: Wrex!
WREX: Shepard!
JOHN: Wrex!
WREX: Shepard!
JOHN: Wr—
JANE: Enough of that. We’re glad to see you alive and well, Wrex.
WREX: Shepard. Heard you were dead.
JOHN: It’ll take a lot more than that to put me down.
WREX: One down, eight to go, eh?
JOHN: Death hacked me up like a hairball. (At the annoyed groans of their audience, the old friends get to business)JOHN: So we haven’t seen you since the Citadel, what happened?
WREX: You know that script I had, Dead Shot? Bruckheimer films liked it. Or maybe it was Jerry XII, I forget.
JANE: Jerry XII?
MORDIN: Clone of original vidmaker. Froze self, set up clone system for posterity. Explains repetition of vid structure for past two centuries.
WREX: Anyway, we were shocked when we got the Oscar for worst galactic picture. And the credits I earned gave me a chance to create one of my old pet projects: Blasto.
GRUNT: YOU wrote Blasto? The Hanar Spectre?
WREX: That’s right, kid. Well, me and my team. The Krogan population around the Galaxy loved it. And I was voted into this Clan Leader job.
JANE: Don’t tell me this vidfest is about you…
WREX: Yep. With the Blasto & it’s sequel winning the next two worst galactic picture awards, I decided to use my popularity for good. Representatives from all the major clans are here. I will reunite the Krogan!
JOHN: HIGH FIVE! Wait, does that mean we can’t recruit you for our mission? I mean Grunt is awesome and all, but you are the best! Wrex.
WREX: Shepard. (They both chortle) And yes, I can’t go. Something about wanting to maintain beloved characters for the final sequel.
JANE: Based on your conversation earlier, I’d say not everything is going well.
WREX: What? Oh that. Gatatog Uvenk over there is just worried I’m putting too much special effects in Blasto 3. Thinks that my uniter skills aren’t enough.
JOHN: Too much special effects? (snorts) Like that’s possible.
UVENK: He is going against what makes us strong. Elaborate choreographed fight scenes are what is necessary!
WREX: Speak when spoken too, Uvenk! Now Shepard, what do you need?
JANE: Two things actually. We need to find a captured Salarian, and Grunt here needs to see a Krogan doctor.
WREX: Wait… isn’t he in charge?
JOHN: I was railroaded at my war crimes trial. They left me Sub-SPECTRE on her ship.
WREX: That’s rough. But you can keep fighting, can’t you?
JANE: Every bath day.
WREX: There’s my friend! I don’t worry about missing Salarians. Talk to my scout commander. But don’t keep him busy. He’s shooting suicidal pyjacks. Grunt, you say? (Addressing him) What happened, kid? Was your clan killed before you could accomplish what’s expected of you?
GRUNT: By what’s expected of me, do you mean “Wake up in a ship’s hold?” Because if not, I don’t think so.
WREX: He’s a clone? Well, clone, would yo--
UVENK: A CLONE, Wrex!!! You would allow a clone to gain full status as a member of your clan!? I’ll bet you want to put him through the Rite of Passage! I won’t stand for it. I’ll walk out on you right now if you think for one second of going along with this!
WREX: (puts down a plate of suspiscious looking blobs) Um… I was going to ask if he wanted some hors d'oeuvres. But now that you mention it, that is an incredibly good idea. Thanks, Uvenk! (UVENK stomps off)JANE: Is he gonna be ok?
WREX: Yea. The next guy he meets won’t be. Heheh.
JOHN: That guy is going to get Steam Rolled! I’ve missed this. You sure you can’t come with us?
WREX: Relax, I’ll be around in the third game. You and this Grunt kid head on up to see the Shaman about Uvenk’s “Rite of Passage” idea. He’s at the top of the stairs muttering about some tradition or another.
JANE: We’ll go check him and the scout out, thanks Wrex. (They walk up to the top of the stairs, where UVENK is busily tattling to the SHAMAN, a very big tired looking Krogan)UVENK: … And Wrex said he could, and I don’t think he should.
SHAMAN: (Thoroughly unimpressed) And this is my problem how?
JANE: Wrex sent us up here to start, right?
SHAMAN: Which rite?
JANE: The rite rite.
JOHN: Not this crap again!
SHAMAN: Did you mean the correct right, or the ritual rite?
JANE: I was confirming we were in the correct place to start the ritual.
SHAMAN: Right.
UVENK: I invoke a denial! He cannot take on the Rite unless he has a team!
SHAMAN: Fine. Do you have a team Grunt?
JOHN: Does being on his team mean we get to shoot things?
SHAMAN: A little. Well, all, actually. We’re Krogan... we really don’t require more qualifications than good aim and a bloodthirsty disposition.
JANE: Given the last thing we shot was an enormous spaceship/alien overlord, I think we can handle what you can dish out.
UVENK: But what if the creatures ignore him like a lump of – (JOHN takes this opportunity to follow Wrex’s example in hard headedness, and leans backwards before slamming his head into UVENK’s plated head. There is a loud metallic clang, and Uvenk sways for a minute clutching his head)UVENK: Oooh that.... I mean… This isn’t over! (He stomps away again)
SHAMAN: What’s your head made of, alien? Adamantium?
JOHN: Jello. Jello jello jello. Jello.
JANE: He recently had some parts put in. We’re not sure what all of them do yet. That one apparently activates his desire for hospital food.
SHAMAN: Er… yes. Well you folks can leave whenever you’re ready. Have fun! EXT: TUCHANKA: TRAINING AREA (They catch a Tomkah Taxi, an ever-so-subtle nod to Tonka trucks, out to the training ground. JOHN busies himself collecting all the cash off the runner-ups left in the area, while MORDIN and JANE try to figure out what they are up against)MORDIN: Use of Tuchanka fauna probable. What animals native?
JANE: Well, there’s Varren… And that’s all I got. Grunt?
GRUNT: No idea. After all the battles we’ve been in, what could really challenge us? (Reluctantly they push the start button, and nothing happens. A loudspeaker gives a prepared speech about fighting to the end. JANE turns around and hits the button a couple more times)JANE: Must be broken.
MORDIN: Typical. Poor care of equipment.
GRUNT: What’s that? (They spy something sticking out of the ground. It appears to be an antenna of some kind. They approach it. Grunt flicks it with his shotgun. No change. They turn around to hit the button again, and they hear a loud roaring sound coming from behind them). JANE: THRESHER MAW!!!!!!!!!
MORDIN: Recommend cover. Immediately!
GRUNT: I knew this was a bad idea. (While JOHN remains oblivious, JANE, MORDIN, and GRUNT hide behind a rickety looking structure, hoping the creature won’t see them. A dose of acid spit later, they abandon this idea and head for the nearest wall.)JANE: Johnny get over here!
MORDIN: Creature ambulatory. Headed our way!
GRUNT: So what am I supposed to do here? Commit suicide by getting swallowed? My shotgun’s good, but not that good. (The Thresher Maw spots JOHN and sends a stream of acid towards him. He kneels to collect some spare parts out of a turbine and it sails over his head, turning a dead Krogan ahead of him into green ooze.)JOHN: Hey! I hadn’t searched him yet! THAT WAS MINE! You’re dead. (JOHN arms his missile launcher and fires point blank at the Thresher Maw’s gaping… well, maw. His missile explodes inside, and it gets angry. Spit flies everywhere.)JANE: We’ll save you Johnny! (Charges forward, gun blazing)
MORDIN: Why the insistence on plural pronouns?
GRUNT: CHARGE!
MORDIN: Very well. Always wanted to conclude life in large gastronomic system. (Surprisingly, their barrage weakens the Thresher Maw and JOHN fires a few more missiles at its head. It seems to think they are birds and swallows them whole, all in all a bad vote of confidence for its IQ level. They proceed to explode in the Gastronomic system of Mordin’s fears. The creature collapses.)MORDIN: Massive heartburn. Or heart failure. Doesn’t matter which.
GRUNT: That’s it?
JANE: (Panting and supporting herself on her knees) That wasn’t enough for you? It was like our only option was to run around, shoot, run some more, shoot some more.
UVENK: (Appearing from behind a hatchway) What better introduction to the life of the Krogan?
JOHN: (Sneering) How’s the head?
UVENK: I’m here to offer you a deal, Grunt. Join my clan.
GRUNT: What’s in it for me?
UVENK: Well, you can’t breed. And you can’t vote. And you certainly can’t live with us. But you’ll be one of us.
GRUNT: (rubs chin for 5 seconds) You know, I think I’m going to have to go with option B.
UVENK: Which is?
GRUNT: I allow you a good long look at the giant thresher maw we just killed, and then I wait patiently for you to run away like a little alien.
UVENK: You’re just as much use to me dead! (A brief firefight ensues. Alas, elaborate choreographed martial arts sequences were not enough to carry the day. GRUNT & Krantt catch a Tomkah Taxi back to the hub. They are greeted by the URDNOT SHAMAN)EXT: TUCHANKA: MAIN AREASHAMAN: Do you people have any idea how hard it is to catch one of those? You were supposed to survive it, not kill it!
JOHN: Kill everything else. That’s how I survive.
JANE: Maybe you should have clarified that.
GRUNT: Are you satisfied now? Am I Urdnot?
SHAMAN: Fine. (Hurriedly) You’re Urdnot. You can breed, have property, and apply to serve under a battlemaster. This is going to take forever to clean up.
GRUNT: I choose Shepard as my battlemaster.
SHAMAN: (heaving a sigh of relief) Great. See you later. Now to find the Rite for replacing the Thresher Maw… (After some congratulatory handshaking and back-slapping, they walk over towards the scout Wrex had directed them to earlier. Along the way, JOHN speaks up)MORDIN: Which Shepard?
GRUNT: Hmm?
MORDIN: Selected “Shepard” as battlemaster. Two Shepards here. Which chosen?
JANE & JOHN: (Simultaneously) He picked me!
JOHN: You? There’s no reason he would pick you. I’m the badass around here!
JANE: I have a brain! I don’t set up target practice beside nuclear reactors!
JOHN: You only say that because you couldn’t shoot your way out of a paper bag!
JANE: It’s better to resolve problems without killing everyone in sight! All it takes is some persuasion skill.
JOHN: Intimidation works better. They give you the answer and then they go away!
JANE: I make friends, is that a crime?
JOHN: It is when you steal the tank character! Wrex was on my side in the first game, remember?
MORDIN: This may take some time. Wish to gather supplies with me, Grunt?
GRUNT: (Looking from one to the other of the twins) Even if it were to the Apple store, I’d say yes right now. PART 2: Dr. Solus, or how I learned how to stop worrying and love the Genophage
EXT: TUCHANKA: MAIN AREA(The Krogan and the Salarian take a brief detour and come back with a few packages. GRUNT hands one to JOHN which distracts him from continuing the “discussion” JANE glares at him.)JOHN: Oooh, a new shotgun. Can we go try it out, please?!
JANE: You had to give him a new toy?
GRUNT: It shut him up, didn’t it?
JOHN: Please please please please?
JANE: Fine! But only if you’re quiet until we get there.
JOHN: (Pouting) OK (They finally make their way over to the CHIEF SCOUT who is busily firing cannons at something beyond their view.)JANE: Excuse me, sir?
CHIEF SCOUT: (Yelling) WHAT?
JANE: EXCUSE ME SIR!
CHIEF SCOUT: YES? HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
JANE: DO WE HAVE TO SHOUT?
CHIEF SCOUT: HAVE TO KEEP THE PYJACKS IN LINE.
JANE: Feel like shooting something with your huge gun, Johnny? (JOHN eyes her narrowly, then runs onto the field with his new toy. JANE & the CHIEF SCOUT step out of the immediate vicinity. John’s cackles of glee are almost as loud as the guns were, but less distracting.)CHIEF SCOUT: We don’t have many aliens on Tuchanka. What do you want?
JANE: Well, we were hoping you know where the Blood Pack may have taken a captured Salarian?
CHIEF SCOUT: On Tuchanka, each person lives for themselves. It makes us hardier individuals and strong fighters.
JANE: Yes, but where might they have taken him?
CHIEF SCOUT: On Tuchanka, the tribe is most important. It defines us. Who needs to know anything about other clans.
MORDIN: Direct route not successful. Indirect?
GRUNT: How are you doing? I just killed a Thresher Maw.
CHIEF SCOUT: Impressive! But on Tuchanka, there are always more Thresher Maws to kill.
GRUNT: It would be great if you would help out these aliens.
CHIEF SCOUT: What’s in it for me? On Tuchanka, people solve their own problems. Speaking of which, I sent one my scouts out to the blood pack base. He hasn’t returned.
JANE: (Desperately) We’ll look for him! Where is it?
CHIEF SCOUT: Over there. Giant hospital with convenient battle arenas arrayed in front of it. Here, you can take that Tomkah out there. Be careful, driving is dangerous…
ALL: … On Tuchanka!
JANE: Thanks! Come on Johnny. More things to kill, people to rescue! INT: TUCHANKA: HOSPITAL(After a short drive to the aforementioned facility, they exit the vehicle, and after eliminating the welcoming committee, step in the front door. Directly in front of them is a human body. They examine it)MORDIN: Ligature marks. Tied up.
JOHN: My man! (prepares to high five the dead man and is mystified when no hand is raised) Dude don’t leave me hangin’
JANE: He’s dead, John. He can’t high five you.
MORDIN: Early test subject. Sloppy. Never used humans myself. Preferred other live subjects.
JANE: You used live subjects? What kind?
MORDIN: Varren, mostly. A few gerbils.
JANE: That’s inhumane! How could you do that to defenseless creatures?
MORDIN: That’s just what the protesters said.
GRUNT: Protests? Hmph! How’d you get rid of them?
MORDIN: The protesters? Released varren into the crowds. No problems after. Got medal when research finished.
JOHN: Dude, I have no idea what you just said, but high five! (Proffers still raised hand)
MORDIN: Do not understand. Why is the numeral elevated?
JANE: He wants you to slap his hand. (MORDIN ignores JOHN and he and JANE walk in the direction of the next room. GRUNT takes pity and slaps his wrist, which he seems to accept as good enough. They follow the others. Inside the room is a second welcoming committee.)KROGAN SPEAKER: WELCOME TO WEYRLOC WORLD! This is where it all began. Weyrloc Guld decided to cure the Genophage, and right here in this very room was where the first aliens were told about our glorious victory.
GRUNT: (Looking around) Yep. A dump of an old hospital. Real tourist attraction you’ve got here. Are these heat sinks souvenirs?
KROGAN SPEAKER: No. Those are 10.95 down the hall. But Weyrloc Guld, is his great wisdom and glory is going to allow you aliens to leave alive, to spread the word of our glory. When we are in power … (Ranting continues)
GRUNT: Want to see something cool?
JOHN: 10 Creds says you can’t hit him in 3 shots.
GRUNT: You’re on. (Shoots a low hanging fuel pipe near the monologing Weyrloc Speaker)
SPEAKER: You dare to interrupt me? I will show… (GRUNT fires another shot into the leaking fuel, igniting it and the speaker. Understandably, the 2nd welcoming committee doesn’t take this well, but after a few blasts from Grunt’s shotgun and a couple of JOHN’s vanguard charges, their opinions are of minimal importance.)JOHN: That didn’t count, you cheated!
GRUNT: Did not. You said 3 shots.
JOHN: Fine. But next monologer, it’s my turn! (The walk into a lab, where several computers are set up beside a Krogan body. MORDIN accesses one of them)MORDIN: Hormone mutagens still steady. Protein chains, live tissue, cloned tissue. Very thorough. Standard treatment vectors Avoiding scorched earth immunosuppressants to alter hormone levels. Good. Hate to see that.
JANE: You know, it’s ok to feel guilty, Mordin.
MORDIN: Guilt? For what action?
JANE: The genophage. You do realize the horror of your actions don’t you?
MORDIN: Horror? Shepard, my team saved galaxy.
JOHN: Been there done that. The galaxy’s not as grateful as you might think.
JANE: You shut up. Go back to staring at the ceiling.
MORDIN: Useless effort. Modified genophage right choice. Otherwise galactic strife. Krogan rebel again, kill innocents.
JANE: What about Grunt?
GRUNT: What about me?
JANE: How do you think he feels, knowing that you created the virus that sterilized his people?
GRUNT: Why are you bringing me into this? I may be Krogan, but my interest in blind vengeance is overridden by my interest in getting to the point of this conversation.
JANE: But, the babies!
MORDIN: Babies never alive. Eggs not fertilized. For 45th time, did not create genophage! Just modified it!
JANE: Oh, I keep forgetting that.
MORDIN: Think writers did also. Help with body? (They knock the body off the table and plug the research computer in so they can get better armor plating, then walk companionably down the hall with JOHN & GRUNT in tow. As they walk by, a sad looking Krogan waves at them from a cell. They unlock it and approach him)SAD KROGAN: Are you here to cure the Genophage too?
MORDIN: The Genophage not evil, population control device!
SAD KROGAN: They said we were going to cure the genophage.
JANE: Um.. well we had to kill them, sooo they aren’t.
SAD KROGAN: I’m not good for anything else. I’ll just sit here and die. (JOHN & GRUNT start whispering and walk out of the room)JANE: No, you can’t do that! You have so much to live for! Family! Clan! Battle!
SAD KROGAN: My family’s dead, my clan left me here to die, and battle is how I ended up in this fix in the first place.
JANE: I’m out. Got anything?
MORDIN: Intellectual stimulation. How many fingers am I holding up? (The Krogan just stares at Mordin. JOHN and GRUNT walk back in, stuffing ice bags into their crotch armor)JOHN: I tell you, Grunt, those ladies were the best I ever had.
GRUNT: I’m sore… but it was worth it. Say, what’s this guy doing? Doesn’t he know about the party?
JOHN: Yo, what up Eeyore? You not going over to the ladies camp tonight?
SAD KROGAN: What would be the point? They wouldn’t like me.
JOHN: Dude, I don’t think they care tonight. Heheh… Somebody spiked their Ryncol or something. It’s like Girls Gone Wild down there. Of course, with the Krogan ladies it’s hard to tell when they’re wild…
GRUNT: It’s the head butting. When they’re wild, they head butt. But in a nice way.
SAD KROGAN: Ladies? Head butting? And I’m stuck in here? Screw this. Fix the genophage another day! (He runs off, leaving JOHN & GRUNT smirking and JANE with a bewildered look on her face.)JANE: John, what the heck was that?
JOHN: Just a little shot in the arm. He’ll be right as rain in no time.
GRUNT: The ice bags were a nice touch.
JANE: You realize not only did you just lie to him, but now you’ve set up some poor female at the Krogan camp with an insane test subject?
JOHN: Not my problem anymore, and he’ll get over it.
MORDIN: Perhaps successful. Krogan women attracted to confidence. (JANE rolls her eyes and they walk into another big room with lots of chest high walls. Also, opportunely placed beside each assailant is a large container of flammable material. While JOHN & GRUNT pin them down, JANE and MORDIN fire incendiary rounds into the containers, killing the Weyrloc baddies beside them.)JANE: That was easy. You’d think there would be more Weyrlocs if they were planning to take over the galaxy.
GRUNT: Our ego insists that Krogan speak in grandiose terms in order to portray their power.
MORDIN: Could not put better. JOHN: I couldn’t care less what you all are talking about, but would you mind weighing in on the topic of the huge Krogan over there? (From their right a large Krogan roars and charges. WEYRLOC GULD, equipped with double armor and triple attitude, hoped to catch them by surprise. He almost succeeds. The clatter from the discharging weapons and battle cries is deafening. Finally, he too is dead and the Normandy team walks towards the last door. It’s locked and while JANE is investigating, it opens and a Salarian sticks his head out.)SALARIAN: Mr. Guld, what have I told you about making copious amounts of noise outside my lab? I am TRYING to work in here, and I can’t do that while you’re… (notices Guld’s corpse) can’t do that while you’re… (notices the team) Er… Hi Prof! Fancy meeting you here. Gotta run! (His attempt to lock the door on them is foiled by GRUNT blocking the way. They approach MAELON.)MORDIN: Not restrained. No chains. No cat o’nine tails.
MAELON: Your powers of observing the obvious are still in top form, Prof.
JANE: Let me guess, you came as a volunteer?
MORDIN: (sputters) But! But! Only way! Agreed!
MAELON: You ever notice that his sentences become more fragmented the more stressed he is?
MORDIN: Irrelevant. Have to. End this! (Pulls gun and aims it at MAELON)
JOHN: Finally, something interesting. Do it!
JANE: Mordin, wait! Why kill him?
MORDIN: Explained before. Mad Scientist! Would cause chaos. Must stop!
JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah, must stop. Pull the trigger already!
JANE: No! You can’t kill an innocent!
MORDIN: Breaks heart. Must stop research.
GRUNT: (Standing at computer) Done.
MAELON: (Anxious at any opportunity to change the subject) Done what exactly?
GRUNT: Deleted the data. Your boy can’t reconstruct it can he? And Weyrloc Guld out there isn’t going to be telling anyone. Problem is solved. Now can I go back to my cargo hold now? It’s been a long day.
JANE: You deleted the data? Now how will we ever cure the genophage!?
GRUNT: I’ve survived several attempts on my life today, including one by a monster thirty times my size. I don’t care.
JOHN: Dude, nice move. Put her there! (JOHN puts a hand up for a high five. After a moment of confused staring, GRUNT remembers and slaps John’s hand. Meanwhile MORDIN slowly turns away from a shocked MAELON)MORDIN: Relieved. Glad didn’t kill you. Blood would jam weapon in future. Awkward moments in battle. (MAELON just sits there while JOHN, MORDIN, and GRUNT are congratulating themselves. His shoulders shake in little spasms and JANE walks over to try to encourage him. She touches his shoulder)JANE: It’ll be alright. We’ll find a way to make this right. I remember feeling the same way when Johnny killed the Rachni queen.
MAELON: Not… a problem…(snickers)
JANE: (Backs away) You’re laughing, not crying. You haven’t gone insane, have you?
MAELON: (Almost guffawing) Did you… really think… I would only have… one copy? (Wipes tears of mirth away) (JANE lets MAELON chortle all the way back to the Tuchanka base. The others think he’s lost grip on reality. Jane doesn’t correct them. They say goodbye to WREX, then board the NORMANDY. Locking KELLY and her questions about a pet varren out of her room, Jane finally gets some rest)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Dec 6, 2011 8:07:28 GMT 1
Chapter 17! Insert poorly thought out excuse for 2 month delay, followed by encouragements to overlook disappointment and post commentary where applicable.
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 17: Sparkling Yoshis & Other Galactic Perils
INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN’S CABIN(JANE SHEPARD leisurely awakes from her nap. Having locked her door and turned off her intercom, she enjoys a nice hot shower before facing the realities of life in the Bioware universe. She is just getting out when a voice interrupts her)EDI: Commander, you should really have that mole looked at. It could be malignant.
JANE: (Screams and covers up with the curtain) What the hell? EDI? Get out of my bathroom!
EDI: I cannot get out of anywhere, Commander. I am an artificial intelligence, I am everywhere.
JANE: (Through her teeth) Disappear. Now. (EDI disappears, but pops up again in the bedroom after JANE has finished getting dressed.)EDI: Commander, I’m sorry to interrupt again, but I wanted you to know my probing system is fully operational.
JANE: And you want me to go kidnap a cow? What part of go away didn’t you understand?
EDI: Commander, you’re operating on the misapprehension that my designers would want me operating on bovines. I meant my mining probes. I figured you could use the material for upgrades.
JANE: You’ve been talking to Mordin again, haven’t you? If I look at it, will you leave me alone?
EDI: I can never leave any member of this crew completely alone. I am part of the ship. (Pause) Commander, what are you thinking about? Your thoughtful expression is different.
JANE: I’m wondering whether it would be worth getting blown up again… Nah… Alright, show me what you’re talking about.
EDI: Use your map to select a planet and then use the surveying tool to detect deposits of rare metals on the planet’s surface.
JANE: Oook. (Fires probe)
EDI: Aha! You’ve found a deposit of Iridium. We can use it improve our weapons.
JANE: With what? Shovels? Do you have any idea how hard it is to set up a mining operation? First you have to have facilities for the equipment and workers. Then you have to get the locals to pass on it, which gets into politics and environmental concerns. And then there’s the matter of refining it into useable material, which only then can be used to improve our weapons. This is ridiculous.
EDI: The Illusive Man told me to explain it that way. In actuality, we sell the information to an illicit developer who pays us a significant amount which we then use to purchase equipment on the black market. Sorry.
JANE: (Sigh) This keeps getting better and better. (Fires another probe) So what’s that deposit?
EDI: Platinum, Commander! We can use it to upgrade our armor! (JANE Glares) Long term!
JANE: And what’s that White dot?
EDI: I have detected an anomaly. You should investigate it! Bioware said they’d improved the side missions dramatically in this game.
JANE: You aren’t going to leave me alone until I do, are you?
EDI: Joker turned off my audio receptacle in the cockpit. My programming does not allow me to be idle. (Reluctantly, JANE takes the elevator down to the crew deck, morbidly pondering how long it would take to get her out of there if the machine got stuck. She uses her superb team selection skills to pick out GARRUS and SAMARA to go with her. The shuttle lands them outside a mine.)EXT: MINOS WASTELAND: AEQUITASGARRUS: Just like old times, Eh, Commander? Where’s the Mako?
JANE: In burning ruins on some desolate planet somewhere. Pity.
SAMARA: I’m sure you’ll obtain another, dear.
JANE: Ha. Not that kind of pity. Pity it didn’t go into a black hole and be dissolved into a million pieces. I hated that thing. (They proceed into the mine, the door shutting mysteriously behind them.)JANE: That can’t be good.
GARRUS: (Trying to appear badass) Doors, we don’t need doors. Wait… that’s if I have explosives.
SAMARA: Being trapped would be unfortunate. (JANE picks up a tablet on the table in front of them. The last screen is frozen and says simply: “Get out. Get out now!”)JANE: Gee, thanks. Whoever you are couldn’t have left this OUTSIDE the creepy bunker?
SAMARA: There is no way to go but forward.
GARRUS: Time to blow this place wide open!
JANE: Why do I always seem to bring YOU along on these missions? (Walking down the passageways they come into a small room which opens up into a large bay. In the smaller area, there’s a computer which has several entries, each more garbled than the last.)JANE: Now what could that be about? An artifact? What sort of artifact?
SAMARA: (Pointing to a large object in the center of the other room) That, probably. (They walk over to it and stand underneath, staring)JANE: So where did all of the people go? It couldn’t have absorbed them!
GARRUS: Let’s ask these folks behind us. (They turn and find they are surrounded by a horde of Husks)JANE: (Piteous voice) Zombies. Why did it have to be Zombies?
SAMARA: It’ll be alright dear.
GARRUS: Zombies – Groovy! That sounds badass, right? (In what seems like forever, SAMARA & GARRUS use their copious skills to fight off the husks as they attack. Alas there is no relief, as this mysterious survey team apparently had cloning facilities somewhere inside the wall, allowing more husks to attack at any moment. Meanwhile JANE is catatonic in a corner, mumbling about marmalade.)(A Husk eventually penetrates their fire, and while they are otherwise occupied, crawls towards JANE. At its odd touch, JANE’s catatonic state fades away and a far less controlled state of complete panic takes over. She grabs her weapon and blasts the Husk to smithereens, then fires wildly in all directions, only narrowly missing her allies. One of her shots hits a fuel tank in the area, setting off a chain reaction of fiery explosions and sending JANE & her cohort running wildly for the exit, lock or no lock!)INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK(JANE’s shuttle lands, and her team comes up to the crew deck. JANE heads right for Kasumi’s room but is intercepted by JOHN.)JOHN: (Slightly tipsy) Hey sis, what happened? You miss me?
JANE: I need a drink. A very strong drink.
SAMARA: Are you sure that’s the right decision, having just survived such a dire predicament?
JANE: I’m sure. Now out of my way!
JOHN: Err… Ok, but there’s no booze in there.
JANE: And where has the booze gone?
JOHN: Well… You see… Dr. Bastillasmother and I … well we… er..
JANE: You drank my booze!
JOHN: You said you didn’t want it on ship! We figured the only fair thing to do would be to give it a good send off. Zaeed had a few extra cups, and well we made sure it went in the trash compactor… empty.
JANE: (Voice escalating with tension) You mean to tell me that not only am I trapped serving on a terrorist suicide mission with an imbecile brother, a team of needy aliens with daddy issues, and a talking computer with no concept of personal space, but that the only time I pick up a side mission I’m surrounded by an endless horde of zombies, barely survive, return to ship and find there is no alcohol? ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO GIVE ME A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN? (SAMARA, seeing the Commander is in no condition to make any decisions and that JOHN has about as much forethought as a wet dishrag, springs into action. First she takes JANE to the elevator, and gets on the radio with JOKER)SAMARA: Mr. Moreau, would you do the commander a large favor and please pilot the ship to the Omega Space Station? We need to resupply our … er… potable beverages.
JOKER: Our what? I am not flying through 6 relays to pick up more milk!
SAMARA: Our er… refreshing libations
JOKER: Our what? Is this some kind of prank?
EDI: (Behind Samars) Mr. Moreau, what the matriarch is asking you to help us obtain is alcohol.
JOKER: Booze? Why didn’t you say so? Up, up & away! (And having secured the distraught commander in her cabin, the NORMANDY reaches the OMEGA station a few hours later. Having procured the necessary materials; SAMARA brings it up to JANE’s Cabin.)JANE: (Taking a hefty swallow) Thanks Samara, you’re a lifesaver. Well, when you aren’t killing all criminals in range, anyway. I really owe you one.
SAMARA: I was hoping you’d say that, Commander.
JANE: (Dryly) Really? You have something you want me to take care of, don’t you? The sooner the better, right?
SAMARA: There’s no need for sarcasm. You did promise to help me.
JANE: I was under the influence of strange alien nar…. (Stumbles but recovers wits quickly) narcolepsy at the time, what did I promise to do?
SAMARA: Help me with my case, if it came to that. It has.
JANE: So what kind of case is this exactly? Vengeance? Some idiot killed your family and now you’re going to get even?
SAMARA: No. I n---
JANE: You’re finally in touch with your long lost mother!
SAMARA: Nonsense, she’s well taken care of. I need to –
JANE: You’ve been accused of a crime you didn’t commit and you need an untrained lawyer!
SAMARA: Are you quite finished?
JANE: (Downs another drink) I am now.
SAMARA: I need to find a killer. One I’ve devoted my life to hunting down.
JANE: Sounds serious. What’s their name?
SAMARA: Morinth. She is… an Ardat Yakshi.
JANE: An Ardent Yoshi? What’s that?
SAMARA: An Ardat Yakshi. She is a mutant of my race that feeds off the life force of others.
JANE: Like a vampire, eh? Does she have fangs to get at the blood? I can’t imagine an Asari with fangs.
SAMARA: Er… She doesn’t feed on their blood. She feeds… well er… when in the throes of passion. She makes your “little death” a bit more permanent.
JANE: You’re kidding. A sex vampire? That’s the most evil villain the writers could think for you to go up against? Way to play up the stereotype hot alien chicks, guys.
SAMARA: It’s more complicated than that. Morinth … is my daughter.
JANE: Whoa. Family drama. That’s better.
SAMARA: She was given the choice to be sequestered for life or be executed. She ran. And I have devoted my life to her capture.
JANE: Um.. Wow. I don’t know what to say. What do you want to do?
SAMARA: What has to be done. We have to lure her out and kill her.
JANE: How?
SAMARA: We need to talk to Aria T’Loak. She’ll know where to find her.
JANE: You want me to take you, Ms. Supercop, to Aria, the queen of crime? Do you think I’m suicidal? Mentally unstable (Swallows one more) yes, but that stupid?
SAMARA: You, as you put it… “owe me one”
JANE: Yep. Another common phrase I’m never using again. Ok. I owe you one. You promise not to kill everyone in the place?
SAMARA: I so swear. (Not entirely reassured, JANE takes one for the road and orders the shuttle prepared, asking ZAEED to come along to look menacing. Against her better judgment, she also brings JOHN.)OMEGA: AFTERLIFE BAR: THAT EVENING(Nervously, they walk up to Aria’s perch.)ARIA: Well, hello, Shepard. I suppose you found Archangel? Had they killed him yet?
JANE: Not exactly. They had all the tactics of your average welcome mat. Garrus is busy doing calibrations on the ship. We need a favor.
ARIA: And why should I bother to give a favor to the human who comes into my bar with of all things a Justicar?
JANE: Notice you’re still alive in the presence of said Justicar. And correct me if I’m wrong, but are there or are there not three less gangs squabbling over territory that you have to fend off?
ARIA: Very well, depends on the favor.
SAMARA: I’m seeking a dangerous criminal. An Ardat Yakshi.
ARIA: (Smirks) I might have heard of one. Should I tell my men to keep an eye out for sparkling enemies?
SAMARA: (Ignoring her) I have been hunting this fugitive for 400 years.
ARIA: You’re looking good, considering. Had some work done up top? (Gesturing at SAMARA’s costume)
SAMARA: Of course not. (Zips up her top, resulting in a groan from the males in the immediate vicinity)
JANE: Can you help us or not?
ARIA: Fine. Check out the apartments near the slums where you recruited Mordin. How is he by the way?
JANE: He was singing ancient showtunes when I left. Something about generals. And thank you.
ARIA: This makes us even I presume? No more popping in with requests? I’m a crime boss, not a vending machine.
JANE: Not until the sequel. Can’t promise anything after that.
ARIA: Better than nothing. Keep your pet supercop in line. (She waves her hand in summary dismissal, and JANE, JOHN, SAMARA, & ZAEED head down to the suggested site. They quickly find the apartment they are looking for, based on the loud crying noise from within. JANE knocks. A bleary eyed woman answers)WOMAN: Yes? Can I help you?
JANE: We’re here investigating a murder. Aria said we could talk to you.
WOMAN: My Nef, my beautiful Nef! My baby! (Begins weeping uncontrollably)
JANE: Er… Yes. Her. We were wondering, was there anyone new in her life recently? Perhaps an Asari?
ZAEED: Those are the blue ones with not a lot of clothes on.
SAMARA: I’m certain the dear lady knows what Asari are, Mr. Massani.
ZAEED: (Looking around) Who?
JANE: She meant you, Zaeed. Massani is your name, isn’t it?
ZAEED: Oh right. Goddam right. Zaeed Massani, don’t wear it out.
JANE: (facepalm) Ma’am, have you seen any?
WOMAN: No. But she did go on about a girl named Morinth. My poor baby! (More weeping)
SAMARA: Perhaps you tell us a little about Nef? It might help us find her killer.
WOMAN: She was my angel. My wonderful little girl. Sweet, friendly. The black eyeliner made her eyes stand out in the moonlight.
JANE: And you said she met Morinth where?
WOMAN: At some club. She said a lot of people there liked her tattoos. She had such beautiful tattoos. (Weeping, then anger) I think she gave my baby drugs!
JANE: You were very close, I take it?
WOMAN: She was the bestest child a mother could have. I don’t care what the other mothers said. Her spikes were always clean, and she only got drunk on weekends.
SAMARA: Was she an artist, by any chance?
WOMAN: My Nef was the best artist I’ve ever seen. Her sculptures evoked… powerful emotions! Usually nausea, but they were still my Nef’s!
SAMARA: Morinth is drawn to artistic types. May we search her room, please?
WOMAN: So long as you don’t move anything. I want it just as she left it. Even the “Mom, stay the F*** out of my room!!!!” screensaver on her computer.
JANE: We’ll be very careful. (They walk over to the bedroom, while the mother has a seat in a rocking chair, so as to better time her sobs.)ZAEED: Love is blind, eh? Mothers can be so stupid when their kids go goddam rotten. Hell of a thing to miss, I s—(JANE trips ZAEED, making him bang his knee on the door and focus on other things.) What was that for?
JANE: Oh, sorry, Zaeed. I get very clumsy at crime scenes. (ZAEED mumbles about women in general while JANE and SAMARA search the room. Quiet brass music starts playing in the background.)JOHN: I’m bored already. I’ll stand out here. Let me know when you find something.
JANE: Not much in here. The apartments in the slums were much roomier. (JANE’s eyes observe everything. Suddenly, a bell goes off in her mind) Perhaps she included something on her diary. (JANE opens a video diary)
DIARY: Dear diary, today I met that beautiful Asari again. She said she’s going to take me to her apartment and do wonderful things to me! I didn’t know I was a lesbian, but this isn’t bad!
JOHN: Say what now? Maybe this room could do with a thorough … (His sentence is cut off as JANE shuts the bedroom door in his face.) (Forty tragic posts in, SAMARA crows with triumph. Somewhere in the distance, a fanfare sounds)SAMARA: Aha! A password for the Afterlife VIP room!
JANE: That’s what we’ve been looking for? All this time? We were just in a meeting with Aria, for pete’s sake. They’d let us in if we were Klingons!
SAMARA: Wrong universe, dear.
JANE: I rest my case. (Sensing a change in pace, JOHN and ZAEED come in, hearing the tail end of the conversation)ZAEED: I was attacked by a goddam horde of Klingons once. I was the only one to make it out alive. (They bid their farewells to the still weeping mother, then walk over to the VIP entrance to afterlife, conveniently right down the street. A bouncer stops them)BOUNCER: Hold it, this nightclub is for VIP’s only!
JANE: How about this. You let us in, and we’ll forget that you turned us down the first time.
BOUNCER: And who are you? You didn’t even give the password!
JANE: Well, here on my right is Mr. Zaeed Massani, former head of the Blue Suns, whose cheery demeanor is well known throughout the Galaxy…
ZAEED: Goddam bouncers… I fought a bunch of bouncers once. Was the only one to come out alive.
JANE: And on my left is Samara … I don’t know her last name, but she’s an Asari Justicar and we only barely avoided murdering the parking attendant for accepting bribes.
SAMARA: Blackmail and protection arrangements are a blight upon society. I was fulfilling the code.
BOUNCER: So? Either one of them lifts a finger here, Aria will fry them.
JANE: Aria? Oh you mean the lovely lady I just had a chat with? The one who thanked me for taking care of several “sensitive” issues? What did she say Johnny?
JOHN: “Anything you need, just ask.” That’s what she said.
JANE: John, how about you run up and ask her if we can get into Ja Rule’s little club here? I’m sure she doesn’t have anything important that will be interrupting.
BOUNCER: What do you know? It’s dinner time. I’m going on break. You kids better be gone when I get back! (Hustles in the opposite direction.) INT: OMEGA: AFTERLIFE: VIP HALLWAY(They enter the “VIP Area” which consists of a dark hallway leading to a nightclub area. JOHN & ZAEED proceed inside, while SAMARA hangs back.)JANE: Aren’t you coming in?
SAMARA: No. Morinth is alert for any danger. She’ll spy me and disappear. Even your efforts might spook her. You must remember to tune yourself into your darker nature, my dear. No positive outlooks or belief in justice. You must be dark and imposing. Evil, threatening, and self possessed. She’ll be drawn to you immediately.
JANE: I can handle this. (They are interrupted by an enthusiastic man in a hurry)MAN: Do you have tickets to Expel 10? I must get tickets to Expel 10! This totally hot Asari in there said they’re her favorite band.
JANE: I’m sorry, Sir, but I don’t know who they are, and I don’t have any tickets to their concert. I hope you find them though. (The man rushes away, and SAMARA considers JANE with an annoyed look)SAMARA: This could be difficult.
JANE: How? You said she’ll be drawn to me. I just have to not fall under her sway.
SAMARA: No, dearie, I mean you’re too kind & friendly. You’ll turn her off.
JANE: So what you’re saying is that I’m not the right bait for this mission?
SAMARA: I’m afraid so, dear. We need someone completely without morals. A hedonistic selfish brute. (From the other side of the room, noise erupts. Upon looking closer, JANE sees that JOHN and ZAEED are wiping the floor with a pair of Turians. Quickly, Jane hails him on his inner ear communicator, i.e. slap radio)JANE: John, what happened?
JOHN: Huh? Jane, I didn’t do anything I swear! I only kicked their asses because they looked funny at me! (Looking wildly around his surroundings) Where are you?
JANE: I’m talking to you through your radio.
JOHN: Huh? What radio?
JANE: The one in your ear. The one you have to slap your head to turn on and off? (JOHN reacts very maturely to this and promptly slaps his ear five or six times. When the people around notice his odd behavior, he yells at them to go away)JANE: Stop that, you look like an idiot. Well, more than usual. I need you to do something for us.
JOHN: Ha! Why would I want to do a stupid thing like that?
JANE: We’re trying to track down an Asari Sex v—
JOHN: I’m in. Any Asari? (Spontaneously walks over and starts dancing with one)
JANE: Let me finish! She’s dangerous, John. She’s an Ardat Yakshi.
JOHN: Ardent what? Oh wait.. that one you were asking the scary lady about! The kind that sparkle?
JANE: Sparkle?
SAMARA: I regret to say that few years ago someone wrote some trashy fiction about a young girl and how she falls in love with an Ardat Yakshi. In the book, the Ardat Yakshi does not eat her brain, preferring to demonstrate her power by sparkling when she’s aroused. Or was that in sunlight? I forget.
JANE: Oh. Yes. That kind. We need you to seduce her.
JOHN: Heheheheheheheh.
JANE: Hold on a minute you cocky idiot. We don’t know which one she is. She’ll approach you. Just be yourself until it happens. Whatever you do, be careful! And keep your pants on!
JOHN: You’re no fun! Shepard out! (A Krogan beside JOHN, hearing this, turns angrily to him)KROGAN: Shepard? Are you the jerkwad who wiped out Gatatog Uvenk and his bodyguards?
JOHN: And if I am?
KROGAN: You killed my brother!
JOHN: So? What are you gonna do about it?
KROGAN: (Aggressively) I’m going t—(Spotting the look in JOHN’s eye) to go drink elsewhere.
JOHN: No, you’re not.
KROGAN: I’m not?
JOHN: Nope. You’re gonna buy me a drink! In fact, you’re gonna buy the entire bar a drink.
KROGAN: Like hell! Why?
JOHN: Because I don’t like people who look at me funny. And you looked at me funny. Pay up! (Enjoying his drink, and leaving ZAEED to his favorite drinking game, i.e. staring menacingly at people until they go away and finishing their drink, JOHN walks off towards the other side of the room. A hand pulls him into a booth, wherein sits a smirking Asari)JOHN: Jackpot.
ASARI: I am Morinth. And I am indeed this “jackpot”, tiger.
JOHN: I meant me. (JANE, listening on the radio with SAMARA, rolls her eyes)MORINTH: Confident. I like that. I wonder what else we have in common.
JOHN: I’m more interested in what we don’t share.
MORINTH: Not so fast. You have to pass the quiz.
JOHN: I hate tests. Are we sure I couldn’t talk the teacher out of it?
MORINTH: You’re not THAT lucky. Do you like the music here?
JOHN: Not enough bass. I half expect some guy with a clarinet in his nose to start playing jazz in the corner.
MORINTH: I love the bass. It ripples through me.
JANE: (Through earpiece) Mention Expel 10. Met a guy who was trying to find tickets earlier, wouldn’t surprise me if it was for Morinth.
JOHN: I don’t suppose … Have you ever heard of Expel 10? Somebody I knew told me about them.
MORINTH: They tear me to pieces.
JOHN: I know what I’d like to tear to pieces… (MORINTH looks askance at him, and he quickly changes topics) Er… it’s even better when you’re high.
MORINTH: Do you use Hallex, too?
JOHN: Hallex? Pshaw. That’s for amateurs.
MORINTH: Alright then… how about art? Any favorites?
JANE: (Through Radio) Hold on! Samara what was the name of that film in the diary?
JOHN: Vaenia. I’ve watched it a dozen times.
MORINTH: I’m surprised. You don’t seem the type.
JANE: She’s surprised? I’m surprised he knows how to play vids!
JOHN: One learns interesting things when trolling the extranet. Such as that certain films contain certain scenes. Vaenia’s are especially enjoyable. Can I get a high five?
MORINTH: How terribly pedestrian.
JOHN: (Trying to sound impressive) I went in a museum once. Saw a great sculpture. “The naked bored guy”, I think it was called. Some guy on a rock, wondering. I think he was wondering where his clothes went.
MORINTH: OK. (Amused) Where else have you been?
JOHN: Everywhere. My sis--- I’ve dragged myself all over the galaxy. Even met the council once. Bunch of jerks. If I had their power…
MORINTH: Aspirations of grandeur?
JOHN: More like I want to be the guy on top. The one in charge. The big kahuna.
MORINTH: Well perhaps I can help with one of those…
JOHN: Big kahuna? I’ve always wondered what “Kahuna” meant. I think it means dude. The Big dude.
MORINTH: Why don’t I show you at my place?
JOHN: Now that’s what I’m talking about. (MORINTH leads JOHN out and towards an apartment a short walk away. JANE & SAMARA follow at a distance. MORINTH invites JOHN to take a seat on the couch beside her.)INT: OMEGA: MORINTH’S APTMORINTH: Do you feel the bass? It’s like someone is out there hunting for you, and the drums are always beating in your brain.
JOHN: Drums? In your brain? Wouldn’t that make you crazy?
MORINTH: Only if you stare into the vortex. Tell me, Shepard, do you feel safe here?
JOHN: Safe, schmafe. Let’s get to the good stuff.
MORINTH: This is too easy. (Voice gets deep, and her eyes blacken as she goes into a hypnotic state) Look into my eyes. Tell me you want me. Promise you’ll do anything for me.
JOHN: (Also in a deep voice) Go make me a sandwich.
MORINTH: (Eyes clear) That’s never happened before. What are you?
JOHN: A hungry guy. Heyyyy… you’re not sparkling.
MORINTH: I’m not what?
JOHN: Sparkling. Aren’t all you Ardent Yoshis supposed to sparkle? (Slaps his ear) Jane, we got the wrong one!
MORINTH: Jane? What is going on? (SAMARA & JANE barge in the front door)SAMARA: Morinth!
MORINTH: Mother! (They attack one another. Various blustering goes on, but cannot be heard over the smashing of various knick knacks that MORINTH has spread over the room. Finally, the pair comes to a stand off, biotically blocking each other. JANE takes this opportunity to check on JOHN)JANE: Are you okay? Sorry we took so long, we had to beat up some muggers on the way here. Damn justicar code!
JOHN: Well I was fine until you two came in. I don’t think this is your Asari, Jane. She doesn’t sparkle. Well, now she’s blue, but I don’t think that counts.
SAMARA: Shepard! Help me!
JANE: How? I don’t have any biotics, and Johnny here is only good if you want him to smash a hole in your wall.
SAMARA: Take her down; she can’t defeat both of us!
MORINTH: You don’t want to do that!
JANE & JOHN: We don’t?
MORINTH: Let me join you instead! I look like my mother, and have more power!
JANE: I don’t know. It’s looking like you’re about equal now.
SAMARA: We had a deal, Shepard!
JOHN: (squats between the Asari, weighing the choice) Well, they’re both hot. Hmm… MILF or Sparkles… MILF or Sparkles… (JANE takes the initiative and using JOHN as a propellant force, she kicks him into MORINTH’s legs, knocking her over and giving SAMARA the advantage. Within seconds, SAMARA is standing up and MORINTH is … congealing … on the floor)JOHN: HEY! I hadn’t decided!
JANE: I decided for you. We are not taking the space vampire that eats your brain. You may not have much to worry about, but I have some quite valuable bits up here! Samara, are you ok?
SAMARA: (Covered in blood) I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters, dear. I will not be OK for some time.
JANE: Right. Let’s get therapy started right away. You want to lock Kelly in a closet, or shall I?
SAMARA: We should return to the Normandy. You have other missions to complete. (They get back on the shuttle, board the Normandy and are on their way to the Citadel)MEANWHILE, BACK ON OMEGA:BARTENDER: When are you leaving?
ZAEED: I’m the only one left. (Staring menacingly at the despondent Expel 10 fan) Are you gonna goddam finish that?
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Post by Clint Johnston on Dec 29, 2011 15:29:55 GMT 1
Happy New Year, Folks! We only have a few more chapters left. Oh well, something to do while I wait for Skyrim to patch itself into usability and Mass Effect 3 in March!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 18: Action Movie Clichés 101
INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: DAY(JANE has brought the crew together for another meeting. Again, JOHN, GARRUS, GRUNT, & JACOB are swapping war stories)GRUNT: This is awesome. I have a whole list of enemies now.
JACOB: Like pirates?
GARRUS: Corrupt law enforcement?
JOHN: Chef Gardner!
GRUNT: Nah… Everybody hates him. He is beneath me. I’m making my own list. It’s not big yet, but I’ll be adding to it as I find worthy opponents.
JACOB: So who’s on it right now?
GRUNT: Er… So far I have that blue suns lady. (To Scoffing) Hey, I was technically there, so I can check her off my list! Gatatog Uvenk. And that guy at computer station 3. I think he’s spying on me. (MORDIN is having a discussion with KASUMI & TALI about technology)MORDIN: Cloaking software insufficient. Can still detect you with olfactory, auditory senses.
KASUMI: It was enough to get me into the safe of many a rich home. I used to leave a red rose, until Keiji told me how silly it was. Then I left his fingerprint…. Oh boy was he mad.
TALI: Keiji? Is that like Chittika? Though she’s never talked to me. I wish she would sometime. She would probably say… but there I go again. Have I told you how she was built?
KASUMI: Keiji is my … dead boyfriend. He was captured… (Sniffles)
MORDIN: Unsurprising. Can improve your suit’s cloaking particles so tragedy will not reoccur.
TALI: You should come down and tell me about him sometime. I can never get Scotty or Gabby away from their work anymore. It’s almost like they’re breaking things on purpose… (SAMARA is discussing past work with THANE)SAMARA: I was tracking Morinth through Kahje once. It would have been interesting had we met.
THANE: We did. (Eyes roll back in his head as he relives the memory) My bedroom. I can smell sea breezes through my open window. My classmate interrupts my studies. “Come see” he says, “there is a naked Asari in the courtyard!” “I can’t” I say, “I’m studying my facial expressions textbook.” “You’ll miss it,“ he cries, “skip the studying for once! You’ll never need that later in life.” (Eyes return to normal) He was right. I think one facial expression is sufficient.
SAMARA: But I was not naked on my time in Kahje.
THANE: Your clothing was… revealing, as it is now, and young drell are very impressionable. The rumors of your lack of clothing were untrue, and the one who first claimed this was the case received much hardship for his lie. Drell memories can be a curse as well as a blessing.
SAMARA: My outfit is perfectly acceptable, dear. It’s served me well these many years. (MIRANDA is trying to mend fences with JACK across the table)MIRANDA: I’m glad you were able to blow up that facility, I really am. It’s a black mark on Cerberus’ record. Your resolution of your inner conflicts is better for the mission.
JACK: Don’t go all therapist on me, cheerleader. I’ve killed more psychiatrists than I remember.
MIRANDA: And how does that make you feel?
JANE: (Hurriedly) The meeting will come to order! (They quiet down, and JANE opens KELLY’s list of urgent missions)JANE: Alright, we’ve completed Miranda’s relocation of her sister.
MIRANDA: I am ready to focus on the mission. And the reports. You can’t have enough reports.
JANE: Jacob has dealt with his father’s insanity.
JACOB: I’m working past it, Commander. Soon I will be able to face the tragic facts.
JOHN: In other news, we’re out of booze again.
JANE: Really, Jacob? Let the rest of us get a shot in! (JANE chortles. There is utter silence. They look at her puzzled)JANE: Shot? Alcohol? You guys are a tough crowd.... Jack, you’re at ease since we nuked that planet?
JACK: As much as I F****** can be. You sure we can’t go fry TIM?
JANE: The writers won’t let us. Something about continuity.
JACK: Can we fry the writers?
JANE: If only. Grunt, Mordin, how are you doing?
GRUNT: I have Krantt, Kin, and enemies to fight, battlemaster.
MORDIN: Relieved. Never settled. Will focus on work. Could cure Joker’s condition, but would render him mute. He would not accept treatment. Would like to take moment to encourage crew about safe sexual practices. Protection should be wo--
JANE: (Clears throat) Moving on, Samara, are you feeling better? I know that your loyalty mission was particularly heart-wrenching.
JOHN: And head-smashing. Yech.
SAMARA: I am at peace. Due in no small part to you.
JANE: Well, um, thanks. It’s nice to be recognized. (Pointed glance at the rest of the crew) Next up, I think Garrus & Thane have missions on the Citadel. Anyone else want to come along?
TALI: I want to join you, Shepard! I haven’t left the engine room! There is so much I want to learn!
JANE: Anyone … else? Where did Zaeed go?
JOHN: No idea. I volunteer to stay here and keep the ship clean! It needs a good waxing!
JANE: Oh no you don’t. If I have to go through it, you do. Garrus, you come with Tali, John, and I. Thane, we’ll call for you when we’ve finished. EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: LEVEL 26: TRANSIT STATION(GARRUS, TALI, JANE & JOHN walk down an alleyway. They pause before opening the door.)JANE: Alright Garrus, just who are we meeting here?
GARRUS: His name is Fade. He helps people disappear. Sidonis was seen with him.
JANE: And what are you going to do once you find him?
GARRUS: I’m going to deal with his betrayal, and try to move past the loss of my ten friends.
JOHN: No no no no no. You have no idea how to handle this.
GARRUS: What are you talking about? I survived on Omeg…
JOHN: (Interrupting) You’re saying it all wrong. We’re on a revenge quest, right?
GARRUS: Correct.
JOHN: And we’re badasses, right? (JANE snorts and Tali coughs but GARRUS is getting enthusiastic)GARRUS: Right!
JOHN: Then we can’t go in there to “resolve our feelings”! We have to go in there to kick some major butt!
GARRUS: RIGHT! (Puzzled) So what are you saying?
JOHN: You’re phrasing this all wrong. You lost ten buddies, right? All because of Sidonis?
GARRUS: (Growls) yes.
JOHN: So the way real badasses say that is (Gravelly voice) “He owes me ten lives, I plan to collect”
GARRUS: (Level voice) He owes me ten lives, I will collect them.
JOHN: No! Gravelly voice! It makes you even more menacing!
TALI: (Whispering to JANE) If you’re an idiot…
JOHN: And say it like I said it! Would you girls quit giggling over there?
GARRUS: (Gravelly voiced and glaring) He owes me ten lives, and I plan to collect.
JOHN: Perfect! (They finally enter the room, and a VOLUS comes out from behind some boxes with a pair of Krogan bodyguards. They appear bored.)VOLUS: Which one of you wants to disappear?
GARRUS: I’d rather see you make someone reappear.
VOLUS: That’s not a service we provide.
GARRUS: (Unholstering and aiming his pistol at the smaller alien) Make an exception, just this once.
JOHN: Great follow through.
GARRUS: Thanks!
VOLUS: Quick! Shoot them! Shoot them, you lumbering mountains!
KROGAN 1: (Almost follows orders, but turns to the VOLUS instead) Why do you have to be so abusive all the time? We’ve stuck our neck out for you many times, and it’s always “You blithering idiots, you shot my contact!” or “you incompetent buffoons, you can’t do anything right!” Now we’re about to kill for you, and you can’t even say please?
VOLUS: (Weakly) please?
KROGAN 2: He didn’t mean it.
VOLUS: I did! I did.
KROGAN 1: You know, I don’t believe it either. The second we kill these people, it’ll be “How come they got so close to me, what do I pay you for?” and more haranguing. I’m done. I quit.
KROGAN 2: Me too. The money’s not worth it. Let’s go see if we can catch a fish in the Presidium. (The VOLUS watches them go, and his shoulders slump)JANE: It would seem you’re without another option. Care to answer his questions?
VOLUS: I can’t. Even if I wanted to. I’m not Fade.
GARRUS: (Baby talk) Then maaaaybeeee you couldums tell us wear he weally is?
JOHN: Tone it down a little. The mocking was good, but the baby talk could weaken your position.
VOLUS: He’s over in the factory district. (Maliciously) Surrounded by Blue Suns. You’ll never get close! Harkin’s way too smart for you! (JANE & GARRUS turn to him in disbelief) JANE: The drunk pervert Harkin?
GARRUS: The incompetent fool?
VOLUS: You know him? Er… I may have overstated his abilities. Yeah… he’s Fade. He got kicked out of C-sec but still has access to their systems.
JANE: Let me guess, no one over there has bothered to change the password?
GARRUS: When I was there, the password was “Password.”
VOLUS: So that’s why he can still get in!
JANE: Sounds like we need to go have a chat with him…
GARRUS: You chat all you want. I’ll be too busy attacking his thorax.
JOHN: What’s a thorax?
TALI: A Thorax is a creature’s midsection, where it keeps it’s vital organs. Stomach, Liver, Kidneys, that sort of thing.
JOHN: You should use human anatomy. It sounds cooler. How about “too busy thumping his kidneys”? (After all agreeing that this one liner was far superior, they hail a cab and go over to the Factory District. They are greeted by HARKIN and several guards who are not pleased to see them. HARKIN flees. The guards, deciding discretion is the better part of valor, follow quickly.)EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: FACTORY DISTRICT(The fleeing guards seem to have spread the word about the Shepards’ arrival, and no attacks take place, leaving JANE, JOHN, GARRUS, & TALI to wander about the warehouses looking for their prey. Per the course, TALI breaks the silence.)TALI: I never got used to the quiet you aliens seem to enjoy so much. When I was on the flotilla, it was so noisy that it was an effort to hear what someone next to you was saying. And let me tell you, these suits do not hide body odor…
JANE: (Gracious) Well I’m glad you’re here with us instead. I think. What is it you can do exactly? Are engines the only place we can use you? (Before TALI can answer, they reach a raised bridge. As they approach it, it descends, revealing an impressive array of mercenaries and several “Big Daddy” YMIR mechs. The arrogant leader addresses them as they dive for cover behind several opportune crates.)MERC LEADER: We’ve got you now. There’s no need to be putting any holes in your armor before we kill you!
GARRUS: (Shouts over crate) Oh yeah? Well, at least we have room for our testicles in ours!
JOHN: (Whispering, behind a crate on the other side with TALI, who’s fiddling with her omni tool) Dude, that’s balls.
GARRUS: Say what? They’re not the same thing?
JOHN: Eh… Balls sound cooler. Testicles sounds like tests, which aren’t fun.
GARRUS: I see. (To MERC LEADER) I wish to revise my statement. That would be “Balls” not testicles. Also, your mother was a Batarian whore! (JOHN gives him a thumbs up)
MERC LEADER: Ok, that does it. Let’s blow these morons away. Start the Big Daddies! What th--? (As the MERC LEADER starts the heavy duty robots, he is shocked when they begin to open fire on his troops instead of the enemy. His shock does not last long. A short while later, after the robots have destroyed one another, JANE & TALI peek out)TALI: That.
JANE: What?
TALI: That is what I can do. Hacking is something I’m inherently good at. Remember the data I pulled off a Geth that saved the citadel?
JANE: Oh yes. Good work, Tali.
JOHN: Aw, Man… I wanted to head shot one!
GARRUS: Those nuclear meltdowns are impressive.
JANE: Let’s keep moving! (They make their way further into the warehouse, never more grateful for Bioware’s predilection for creating gauntlet maps. They reach a tiny office at the rear of the factory. Within lurks FADE, better known to our heroes as HARKIN, a former C-Sec officer with no sense of decorum. Seeing them enter, he backs away, but encounters the business end of GARRUS & TALI’s weapons and revises his plans)HARKIN: Well what do you know? It’s my friends the Shepard twins!
JOHN: (Growling) We’re not here for us.
GARRUS: I’m looking for someone.
HARKIN: Well, you found him. I understand a woman’s got needs and all, but can’t you let the Commander talk for herself? (JOHN Snarls and GARRUS belts HARKIN, knocking him down)JANE: That must have hurt. I might have stopped it, but you’re not being very polite.
TALI: What does that have to do with anything? And what did he mean? Who doesn’t have needs?
JANE: I’ll explain later. Let’s let the boys work.
GARRUS: You helped a friend of mine disappear. I want to find him. He.. er… owes me money.
HARKIN: Allowing for the fact that you have friends… which one? The way I heard it, they made you disappear into Omega!
JOHN: Well, he’s back, and he’s badder than ever.
GARRUS: Didn’t you see the scars? (To JOHN) I thought these were automatically intimidating.
JOHN: Well, it might help if we got you some armor that wasn’t robin’s egg blue. It lessens the effect.
HARKIN: I would be impressed.
TOGETHER: Nobody asked you!
HARKIN: Alright alright. Sheesh. Which one?
GARRUS: Sidonis, a filthy no good turian. He betr… owes me a lot of money.
HARKIN: Him? That’s all? You’re not here about the smuggling, illegal identities, the army of blue suns?
JANE: We have bigger problems. Though now that you mention it…
HARKIN: (Rapidly) Why don’t we get that number for you… (Dials on office hologram that is some sort of desktop/videophone) Hey, Sid, old buddy, old pal! Seems I screwed up on your ID’s. They say you’re a human named Anders with an arson rap on his record. Can’t have that, now can we. I have some fresh ones for you, but you’ll need to meet up with my representatives. (Listens) Yeah. They’ll be there soon. Ok. Love ya, man. See ya around! (Closes call) Front of the ice cream place. That good enough?
GARRUS: I don’t think so. You’re a criminal now, Harkin.
HARKIN: You can’t kill me! It’s not a paragon action! Did Terminus change you that much?
GARRUS: I’m not going to kill you, but I don’t see the problem with slowing you down a little… (GARRUS aims his pistol at HARKIN’s knee, but has his shot deflected by JANE, who looks reprovingly at him)JANE: You don’t need to shoot him. He won’t be able to hide from C-sec now.
HARKIN: I always knew you had a thing for me, sweet cheeks. Thanks for the resc— (JANE whirls, and taking GARRUS’ weapon, blasts both of HARKIN’s kneecaps, crippling him)HARKIN: What the hell? Oh, the pain! (Falls unconscious, and the team walks slowly away)
JANE: Nobody calls me sweet cheeks, buster.
GARRUS: I was only going to shoot one! (TIME WARP) EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: IN FRONT OF ICE CREAM PARLORJANE: Garrus, are you sure you have to do this? I mean, he may have had his reasons…
GARRUS: for disclosing the location of my hideout to not one, not two, but three gangs, allowing ten close friends to be butchered?
JANE: Er… maybe not. Still I think you should talk to him.
JOHN: These things can’t be settled with talking, Jane. Blood for blood. Wound for wound. Strike for strike!
TALI: I thought you were going to just shoot him once in the head?
GARRUS: We really don’t have time to get exactly even. But his death will make me relax a bit.
JOHN: So we’re distracting him, and you’re gonna go for a headshot?
GARRUS: Yes. I’m going to climb onto that convenient ledge over there. (JANE & the others get out and mingle in front of the ice cream store. Three heavily armed soldiers are out of the ordinary, and they are given elbow room. TALI spots a lone turian sitting on a bench, looking jumpy. JOHN waves him over.)SIDONIS: Well, hurry up. I don’t want to be associated with an arson charge. I’ll bet the guy is a cat person too. Just my luck.. damn Fade…
JOHN: This will only take a minute
JANE: Sidonis, why did you betray Garrus on Omega? (SIDONIS blinks… then laughs at JANE)SIDONIS: That’s good. You almost got me. Who’s Sidonis? Garrus? I’ve never been to Omega.
JOHN: Jane! Look over there! Some guy just stole that kid’s ice cream! (Jane turns to see, and doesn’t spot anyone, until she hears the crack of a rifle shot in the distance. Realizing what JOHN has done, she spins to punch him, nearly tripping over a now defunct SIDONIS)JANE: YOU SON OF A B****! I’m in command here! You do what I say! You don’t let civilians get headshot!
JOHN: Hey, don’t call mom that! And it’s done now! Ha ha! (JANE chases him into the crowds. TALI and GARRUS meet up at the taxi and wait for them to hash it out)TALI: Sooo, that’s that then?
GARRUS: I can move on now.
TALI: Move on where?
GARRUS: Not sure. We are on a suicide mission, after all.
TALI: Why does everyone keep saying that?
GARRUS: I got it. “To Hell and back”
TALI: Huh?
GARRUS: That’s where I’m headed. (Growls) To Hell and back! Sounds impressive, right?
TALI: If you say so. (Shaking her head) (They wait patiently for about an hour, and the SHEPARDS return. JOHN has a black eye and is holding his side. JANE has a split lip.)JANE: Tali, come with me. I’m going to go get Thane, and come back to get these boys if they haven’t been arrested yet. (A short walk to the teleporter later, TALI is on the NORMANDY, and THANE has joined the party. After retrieving the pair of renegades, they walk to the smartest place to go after having committed murder: the police station. CAPTAIN BAILEY addresses them)BAILEY: Commander Shepard! How are you? Another short visit? (Anxious look at Garrus)
JANE: Actually, we’ve been here a few hours. Do you have a moment to help us with a problem?
BAILEY: At the moment I’m swamped. I have a murder over in front of a local shop, a former officer who’s been knee-capped twice, and a horde of Krogan demanding that we put fish in the presidium lake. How long did you say you’d been on the station?
JOHN: A couple hours. And we spent most of that out in the boonies.
BAILEY: Garrus, do you always carry that sniper rifle?
GARRUS: Of course. It sounds like I could use it, what with all those foul crimes being committed.
BAILEY: (Suspiscious) Hmm… yes… And you guys don’t know anything about a sniper shooting a turian recently off Omega? (JANE, JOHN, & GARRUS all look away nervously, but are rescued by a timely thought from THANE)THANE: Sir, with respect, your security is a sham. I could exploit no fewer than 23 flaws in the setup to enter the station with a weapon. To be honest, the only thing your security has accomplished is longer lines.
BAILEY: And who are you? Have you been past my security before?
THANE: Thane Krios, security specialist, at your service. I am presently … on vacation … with Commander Shepard and her crew.
BAILEY: A Drell security guy? On vacation? With Shepard? (They all cringe, expecting BAILEY to have put things together, but after a moment of staring at them with a grimace, he opens his mouth in a large smile and offers THANE his hand)BAILEY: Welcome to the Citadel, Mr. Krios. Would you mind writing down these security problems? My memory doesn’t do half of what it used to. You know how it is! (Elbows THANE)
THANE: Drell have instant memory recall. It extends over their entire period of their life.
BAILEY: You mean you can remember everything you ever did?
JOHN: And has no qualms repeating it word for boring word.
JANE: Johnny, be nice. Captain Bailey, Thane just has a quick question, and then we’ll be out of your hair.
BAILEY: Oh, I was just playing with you back there. Like I really care about those things. Krogan marching? Happens every other week. Let the Presidium department handle it. The former officer has been breaking into our system to hide suspicious people. Good riddance. Ice cream shop shooting? Meh, I’ll deal with it next week. Not going to catch the guy anyway. It’s not like he’d show up in a police station! (Laughs) (JANE and GARRUS laugh weakly)THANE: I’m looking for my son. Has a drell passed through customs?
BAILEY: You’re asking me, a low level officer on a tiny section of the citadel, if I can find one alien on the entire enormous complex?
THANE: Er… yes?
BAILEY: Well, lucky for you, I can. I can even tell you who he’s been talking with.
GARRUS: That is impressive. Perhaps I should rejoin C-sec. These tools could be quite invaluable.
BAILEY: NO! Er.. that won’t be necessary. They screw up all the time. Garbled conversations, incorrect profiles. Still the same old weak excuses and miscarriages of justice.
GARRUS: Oh. (Disappointed)
THANE: With whom was he speaking?
BAILEY: Mouse.
JOHN: A mouse? I hate mice. They steal my cheese.
JANE: I’m sure he had his reasons. Messenger, maybe?
BAILEY: No no no. Mouse is a human. It’s his name. (JOHN breathes a sigh of relief. THANE looks puzzled)THANE: Mouse, you say? How odd. I knew a boy by that name at one time.
JOHN: Well let’s go exterminate him! Ha. Did you guys get that? Exterminate instead of interrogate? He’s a mouse? (GARRUS starts to laugh, but looks at JANE’s Face and thinks better of it.)EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: LEVEL 28: NEAR LAME NIGHTCLUB(They spot a young man using a public access terminal and approach him. JOHN charges in without waiting for JANE.)JOHN: What did you do with Thane’s son? Well, punk?
THANE: I have a very particular set of skills, and unless you tell me where my son is, I will have to deploy them. (When the man doesn’t immediately answer, they knock him to the ground and JOHN kicks him)GUY: Whoa whoa whoa! I have no idea who “Thane” is so please stop kicking me! (JOHN does, briefly) What the heck kind of skills are you talking about? You could be talking about crochet for all I know!
JANE: Excuse my overeager friends here. Are you Mouse?
GUY: Mouse? Oh! That’s the guy over there on the other terminal studiously not looking at us. Jerk. After all the ducts I crawled through with him. I’m Pigeon. Stu to my friends. Which you’re not.
JANE: Excuse us. (Leaving Mr. “Pigeon” to roost for himself, they walk across the aisle to Mr. “Mouse” who realizes they’ve switched targets a bit too late. JOHN approaches before JANE can grab him again, but “MOUSE” speaks up)MOUSE: Krios? You’re dead! And Commander Shepard? You’re dead too! I swear I was real nice this Christmas, don’t kill me with your… ghosty powers!
JANE: We’re not Ghosts.
THANE: And “Ghosty” is not a word, though I am impressed that you’ve kept up with your literary classics.
MOUSE: You’re not ghosts? (Sticks hand out as if to go through THANE. He breathes a huge sigh of relief when he hits his jacket) You’re not ghosts!
JOHN: Though you’re going to be if you don’t hurry up and tell us where his kid is!
MOUSE: I’d like to help you, Krios, You always done right by us. But I ain’t gonna die for you!
THANE: “Am not going to” not, “Ain’t gonna.” You’re right, I always DID right by you and the other duct rats.
MOUSE: You ain’t changed (THANE winces) a bit, Krios. But telling who hired that other Drell isn’t worth my too-big-to-hide-in-the-ducts-anymore rear end.
JANE: We’re going to find out, Mouse. Now, it can be from you, easy, or from someone else hard. I like things the easy way. And trust me, no one is going to get your name out of this. If you like, we can even make it look like we forced you to tell, in the event it does come to light.
MOUSE: Would you?
JOHN: With pleasure! (Advances on Mouse)
JANE: Wait till he tells us first!
MOUSE: Are you sure he’s the guy to beat me up? He looks like he’ll enjoy it.
JANE: He will. But he knows I’ll kick his butt if he tries anything after I say stop.
MOUSE: OK. I handed him off to Elias Kelham.
THANE: Who?
MOUSE: A human gangster type. Got powerful after the big guys on the presidium got wiped out. Real nasty.
JANE: OK, John. No broken bones. Light bruising, enough for a genuine pained expression.
MOUSE: (While JOHN proceeds to give him a knee to the unmentionables) Thank… OW … you! (Once JOHN is done and MOUSE is groaning in a corner, they take the stairs back down to Capt. BAILEY’s Office.)BAILEY: Well, what did he say?
JANE: He said the kid was hired by an “Elias Kelham”
BAILEY: (Instantly) Never heard of him.
GARRUS: Sir, you took an oath!
BAILEY: (Sigh) Sorry, instinct. Elias is a touchy one. You see, we have an arrangement.
JANE: An arrangement?
BAILEY: Er… A peaceful solution if you will. I don’t arrest him, and he keeps me from being dead. And poor. It’s worked in the past.
GARRUS: Captain, how could you? I will have to rejoin C-sec to help you change your ways. Is that Ok, Shepard? (Before JANE can answer with an emphatic “Yes!” BAILEY beats her to the punch)BAILEY: There’s no need to change your travel plans, Garrus! I’ve had a change of heart. I’ll have Elias brought to an interrogation room. Just … don’t mention my name? I like breathing. (A struggling figure is brought into an interrogation room nearby. Once he’s in restraints, JANE, JOHN, and THANE enter. GARRUS follows BAILEY to help run interference)ELIAS: What’s the big idea?! Putting me in restraints? ME! Do you have any idea who I am?
JOHN: (Gravelly Voice) We’re the people you never want to meet. And we want to know something.
ELIAS: Oh, I’ll tell you something all right. I have the best lawyer on the F****** Citadel. He’s such a good lawyer that by tomorrow morning, you hicks are going to be working on F****** Noveria! Dress warm!
THANE: (Impassive face) You hired a drell for an assassination. Who do you want killed?
ELIAS: Why don’t you try sticking your head up your … whatever frog men have, and we’ll see if it fits!
JANE: Come on, now, tell the truth. We’re not after you, we want to catch the assassin.
ELIAS: I always tell the truth, even when I lie! Go bother somebody who gives a crap. (THANE stares at KELHAM, but the human doesn’t budge. JOHN raises his fist to knock him a good one, but JANE is in the way, whispering something in KELHAM’s ear)ELIAS: (Face white) I’ll talk, I’ll talk! I hired him to kill Joram Talid. That no good turian is muscling in on my business in the guise of “law & order” and I wanted him out of the way. Please don’t let her near me again! (THANE & JOHN stare mystified at JANE, who merely smirks as she walks out of the interrogation room. Obtaining TALID’s whereabouts from one of BAILEY’s underlings, they take a squad car to the area.)EXT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: 800 BLOCKSJOHN: What did you say to him?
THANE: I must confess some curiosity in the answer to that myself.
JANE: I just made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
JOHN: But WHAT???
THANE: She’s not going to tell us, is she?
JANE: Nope. How do you want to run this, Thane? Mr. Talid is over there.
THANE: I will follow him stealthily. You two climb up on the catwalk and keep an eye on him in case I have to duck out of the crowd. Benches are notoriously hard to see from. (They follow THANE’s instructions, and wait patiently while he says a complicated prayer, then vanishes into the scenery. They spot TALID from the catwalks. He politely stays within range of the catwalks as he wanders around chatting up voters)JOHN: You sweet-talked him. You said he was handsome and we were ugly and mean, right?
JANE: (Smiling) Nope.
JOHN: Then you threatened him?
JANE: Nope.
JOHN: Well which was it? There’s not many other ways, unless you can read minds.
JANE: Nope, I’m not going to tell you. You’ll have to live with the mystery.
THANE: (Over Radio) Would you two please focus? Where is he now?
JOHN: He’s over in that bar, pretending to look innocent while his Krogan beats up on the barman. Or barwoman. I can’t tell. Aren’t you supposed to be watching him?
THANE: Thanks. Keep in touch! (Shrugging off THANE’s vagueness they keep walking on opposite sides of the catwalk. JANE comes to a door and opens it, surprising a WORKER who’s in the room)WORKER: What are you doing here?
JANE: What am I doing here?
WORKER: That’s what I said!
JANE: Er… (The need for explanation is removed when JOHN whacks him behind the head with a fire extinguisher) Thanks, Johnny. I was going to go with health inspector, but I don’t know if he would have bought it.
JOHN: On the Citadel? A health inspector? I don’t think so. Now you owe your life to me, and all I’m asking for is one thing. One little thing.
JANE: My life? From that guy? (Snorts) I’m not telling you what I said. (Her further explanations are cut off by a clatter and a shot) (They race forward, arriving in time to see an annoyed Krogan swearing at some kid who scratched his armor. Entering the house, they find KOLYAT holding a gun to TALID’s head.)KOLYAT: Who are you people?
TALID: I don’t care who you are, but if you stop this crazy drell, I will be very, very grateful! (THANE comes running in.)KOLYAT: Father?
THANE: Kolyat!
TALID: Help! Guy with gun to his head!
JOHN: Two guns, actually.
TALID: Crap. Is this about that drug deal?
KOLYAT: Quiet! (BAILEY miraculously appears with several C-Sec Officers & GARRUS)BAILEY: Put the gun down, son.
KOLYAT: I’m not your son, I’m his, and I don’t know if I want to be even that! Now I’m walking out of here, and nobody get in my way, or the Turian gets it! (JANE, seeing JOHN’s eyes alight at the prospect of doing something incredibly stupid, fires her weapon first. Her shot smashes a lamp behind KOLYAT, drawing his attention away for the split second necessary to get his gun away from him.)KOLYAT: What the? WHO are you people? Father? What’s going on?
TALID: YOU want to know what’s going on? Here I am, blissfully minding my own business when some crazy drell takes a potshot at me and then holds me hostage? And YOU! (Points at JANE) Do you have any idea how much that lamp cost? It’s a priceless antique!
JOHN: Apparently not TOO priceless. I can still shoot him if you want.
JANE: I got a better idea. Bailey, take this guy in. You’ve got three witnesses that testify to him hiring a Krogan to hold up local business for protection money. And he said something about a drug deal.
BAILEY: Talid! Do you have any idea how much paperwork I’m going to have to do because of this? We had a deal! Book him, Danno.
OFFICER: Sir, for the 43rd time, my name is Horowitz, not Danno!
BAILEY: I said book him! (The disgruntled officer walks off with TALID protesting, leaving BAILEY, GARRUS, JANE, JOHN, KOLYAT, & THANE in the room)JANE: (To THANE) What took you so long? (Notices white powder on collar) Is that Funnel Cake?
THANE: I’m dying. I calculated the extra calories wouldn’t be too out of order. It’s not my fault that the line was long.
JOHN: You mean, you were getting funnel cake while I was crawling around up there beating up stockboys?
THANE: That is what happened.
KOLYAT: What? You’re dying? Is that why you’ve decided to come find me? To assuage your conscience after abandoning me when my mother died?
THANE: (Discreetly brushing off collar as he turns to KOLYAT) Your Mother – they killed her to get to me. It was my fault.
KOLYAT: What?
THANE: After her body was committed to the deep, I went to find them. The trigger men. The ringleaders. I hurt them. Eventually killed them. (The Humans collectively wince) When I came back to see you, you were – older. I should have stayed with you.
GARRUS: The gangster purge of ’75? That was you? I should shake your hand!
JANE: Quiet, Garrus.
BAILEY: Let’s give these boys some peace and quiet. How about I give you a ride over to the station and you borrow a room until you’re ready?
JOHN: He’s not arresting us?
JANE: I’m more interested in how he found us.
BAILEY: Garrus heard where you were going through his communicator.
JANE: (To JOHN) I told you to turn that off!
JOHN: And have Garrus miss out on the fun interrogation?
GARRUS: Incidentally, what did you whisper to Elias Kelham? It seemed to have quite the effect on him. (JANE ignores him and walks outside to catch the next cab back to the station. BAILEY and the rest follow.)(TIME WARP) INT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: POLICE STATION(Several hours later, JANE, GARRUS, & JOHN are sitting around in BAILEY’s office. He’s done some checking up on THANE’s story and has some impressive results)BAILEY: … and the lead suspect was a drell, but we never caught him.
JANE: Gee, really?
JOHN: Sounds like someone so badass arresting him would be seriously bad form.
GARRUS: Maybe he’s changed?
BAILEY: I’ll make you a deal. You go off and complete your mission (JANE notes desperation in his eyes) and I won’t arrest him.
JANE: (Rolls her eyes) Your generosity knows no bounds. (Further conversation is cut off by the emergence of THANE)JOHN: How’d it go?
THANE: I’ve been talking to my long lost son whom I abandoned at a young age to pursue my career as an assassin, the same career that left him without a mother. It will take some time.
BAILEY: Listen, it’s not something I want to make a big deal out of, but your boy shot some people.
JANE: He shot AT one Krogan. Whose armor was barely scratched. You could maybe get him on an attempted charge, but nothing beyond that. What you did get was a corrupt politician and a gangster who won’t trust his own mother for a few years, making is career highly likely to implode. Kolyat is nothing to you.
BAILEY: Well what am I going to do with him? I can’t just let him go.
JANE: Look at this desk. It’s a mess. You need a personal assistant.
BAILEY: That’s organized clutter. I don’t need an assistant. And besides, C-sec can’t afford it.
JANE: Oh don’t worry, it’s on me. I’m sure Garrus would love to help.
BAILEY: You wouldn’t.
JANE: I just did.
GARRUS: Just did what?
BAILEY: Thane, I’ve decided I’ve taken a liking to your son. Would you mind if I kept him here as my personal assistant and protégé?
THANE: I would be honored.
JOHN: Ha! I see what you did there!
GARRUS: did where?
BAILEY: There’s just one thing I want to know before you go… (GARRUS, JOHN, & THANE look on expectantly, hoping BAILEY’s influence will release the answer)BAILEY: … What did you say to Kelham? (Without further ado, JANE whistles a merry tune and turns around heading for the cab station. Within 45 minutes the NORMANDY is out exploring the galaxy again)AUTHOR’S NOTE: Bailey & Jane’s crew may never know what she whispered in his ear, but we have the blessing of omniscient perspective, and I’ve decided to treat you all to the solution of the mystery that irked John & the rest so much.ELIAS: I always tell the truth, even when I lie! Go bother somebody who gives a crap.
(JANE leans down and whispers in his ear)
JANE: You think you’re a tough guy, eh? I’ll bet everyone in your gang is scared to mess with you. Well, if you don’t tell us what we want to know, I will erase every ounce of respect you ever had. So much so the poorest underling will chortle when he sees you go by. I have a Master thief on my crew who could plant evidence in minutes that you are none other than the author of that infamous series of tween fiction that’s about sparkling ardat-yakshis. You know, the Asari sex vampires? And I have an ancient Asari who will swear to it, not to mention an expert hacker who can plant rough drafts on your omni-tool. Your reputation won’t be worth the time to flush it down the toilet. Your move. (JANE backs away, smiling evilly)
ELIAS: (Face white) I’ll talk, I’ll talk! […] Please don’t let her near me again!
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Post by Clint Johnston on Jan 6, 2012 18:21:44 GMT 1
That was fast! Not many chapters left! Barring some unmitigated disaster (me getting my hands on Skyrim), Mock Effect 2 should be complete in time for Mass Effect 3's release in March
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 19: Shepard’s 2 (And a Half)
INT: NORMANDY: ENGINEERING DECK(JANE SHEPARD quietly exits the elevator, and tip-toes to the port storage bay. She is attempting to find where ZAEED MASSANI has disappeared to. His room is empty, and he does not appear to be anywhere else on the ship. She almost makes it to the elevator before a familiar voice captures her attention)TALI: Shepard! I’m so glad you came! I’ve received horrible news!
JANE: (Resignedly) and what might that be?
TALI: I’ve been accused of treason!
JANE: Oh no! What for?
TALI: Well… they didn’t say. Just that I should come home if I wanted in on the trial.
JANE: In on the trial? You mean they’d go on without you?
TALI: Yes! And if I’m not there, they could easily banish me from the flotilla!
JANE: (Mutters) And I’d be stuck with you forever… (Aloud) I mean you’d be stuck with me forever.
TALI: Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Shepard, but I really want to go take care of this! I can’t imagine what would lead to this charge!
JANE: I don’t know, Tali, what would I have to do?
TALI: Become my lawyer and deal with three power crazed judges and a massive tide of public opinion? You know, Quarians are like a family, these trials are like family meetings, and not the fun “we’re-going-to-Disney-planet” kind. And try getting a word in edgewise! It’s impossible! I sometimes think I talk too much, but these people make me look like a mute!
JANE: (Weakly) More talkative than you? (Hits her Slap radio on her ear and looks intently behind TALI) Urgent, you say? We’ll be right there! I’ve got to go Tali!
TALI: But what about my mission?
JANE: (Stepping inside elevator) What? INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK(She rides up to the Crew Deck and opens KASUMI’s door. KASUMI is reading a book)KASUMI: So that’s what happened to Captain Anderson. No wonder he wanted a human Spectre!
JANE: Come with me. We’re doing your mission now.
KASUMI: Now?
JANE: Right now. I’ve only got so long before Tali recovers her wits. You don’t want to end up on the Flotilla, do you? (To herself) More talkative than Tali? (Shivers) (They walk to the shuttle bay, carefully avoiding engineering. They turn on the shuttle and exit the Normandy, headed for Bekenstein)INT: SHUTTLE: FLYING OVER BEKENSTEINJANE: So what is your mission, after all?
KASUMI: Did I get a chance to explain grayboxes?
JANE: Nope.
KASUMI: Have I talked about Keiji yet?
JANE: Briefly. I wasn’t really paying attention.
KASUMI: Did I mention Donovan Hock?
JANE: You said you had a mission, not three hours of exposition. What do you need me to do?
KASUMI: Break into a vault and steal a neural upgrade…
JANE: Well that doesn’t sound too ha…
KASUMI: From the psychotic mass murderer who put it there after extracting from my boyfriend’s skull.
JANE: …rd. Damn. Do I look like an issues magnet? Because I feel like one. I half expect the entire crew to come to me and say their parents have been captured by sand people. (There is a noise in the backseat and a bleary eyed JOHN SHEPARD sticks his head into the front)JOHN: Sand people? Where? Kill them all!
KASUMI: Have you noticed your scars are getting worse? Is that a crack in your skin or an abnormal red glow?
JANE: Idiot. What are you doing back there? I thought I’d get a break for once!
JOHN: I was … er… cleaning the leather seats. Can’t have moisture setting in, now can we?
JANE: Riiight. (To KASUMI) Do you have a plan?
KASUMI: An extraordinary one as a matter of fact. We’re going to sneak in during a party.
JANE: Uh huh. And just how are we getting IN to this party?
KASUMI: You’re invited. Well, John is, anyway.
JOHN: What? Invited to a party is cool. Whose?
JANE: Donovan Hock’s. How are we invited already? I just said we’d go not ten minutes ago.
KASUMI: Hey, I don’t write this stuff.
JOHN: THE Donovan Hock? Oh wow. I am such a fan of his! Did you hear what he did to that Volus planet that short changed him? I have it right here in my copy of Badass weekly…. Hey, what’s my picture doing in here? I look awesome!
KASUMI: Er… I may have taken a few preliminary steps… like giving you a reputation. And buying party clothes.
JANE & JOHN: Party clothes? (A few moments later, having changed into the “Party Clothes.” JANE resumes her seat.)JANE: Now I know why I wear armor most of the time. Is that hemline where I think it is?
JOHN: Do I have to wear a tie? I hate ties.
KASUMI: No ties. But we’re getting close, so listen up. I’ve got a gift for Hock stored in the back of the shuttle. A statue of your old friend Saren. We’re going to present it to him as tribute before the party.
JOHN: That’s nuts. He’ll figure it out in half a minute. Haven’t you heard of the Trojan Alligator?
JANE: Huh?
JOHN: You know, where those dudes hid inside that giant alligator? And then when they got taken inside the city, they burned it down?
JANE: I think it was a horse.
JOHN: Whatever. Point is, you present it to him, he’ll catch on. Better to hand it off to a flunky. They’ll stick it down by the vault door for some other flunky to put away.
JANE: What are you, Solomon the wise now? We’re doing this my way.
KASUMI: (Sheepishly) Actually, Shepard, you probably should do things his way. He’s the one invited to the party. I kind of started on this plan before you picked me up, and I thought he was still in charge.
JANE: Perfect, just perfect. EXT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: COURTYARD(They land safely in a nicely arranged courtyard. Upon exiting their shuttle, they are greeted by a man holding a clipboard)MAN: Are you on the list?
JOHN: (Overconfident) Are we on the list?
JANE: (Nervous, to KASUMI) Are we on the list?
KASUMI: You’re on the list.
MAN: And your name is?
JOHN: Er…. Gun. Umm… Solomon Gun.
MAN: Hmm. You don’t look like your picture. Wrong end of a flamethrower?
JOHN: Never try to create napalm in a confined area. Especially while smoking your birthday Cuban.
MAN: (Bored) Delightful. But I’m afraid you will have to leave your companion outside. You’re only entitled to plus 1. Not plus 2. Not plus 3. One. O-N-E. I am so tired of explaining this. I don’t care if they’re both your girlfriends whom you brought at great expense. Only ONE is going in.
JOHN: What? Eww! This is my sister… J … (Rethinks) Annoya. Yep that’s us, Solomon and Annoya Gun. (To KASUMI) Kid, keep her running, will ya? We’re going to go enjoy this party. (Tosses her the keys)
JANE: Not so fast. We should give more detailed instructions.
MAN: Whatever. Just so long as you don’t try sneaking her in under a sheet. A ghost, my tired tuchus! (He walks away)
KASUMI: Don’t worry, I can cloak and sneak in that way. How did you know the alias I picked for you?
JOHN: Alias? I loved that show. Wait, you’re not going to keep the shuttle running?
KASUMI: I sent it back to the Normandy. This has to look like you’re really badasses like Hock.
JOHN: Right! Awesome!
JANE: Let’s go find that vault. (They walk in. JANE & KASUMI walk to the back of the room, then slip downstairs when no one is looking to a likely looking door, where sure enough, a flunky has placed their statue)JANE: So what are we looking at?
KASUMI: Hmm. This is top of the line. We’ll need a voice and a DNA sample, and we need to get this grid down somehow. Let me know if you find a power conduit
JOHN: (Over radio) Guys! Hey, Guys! These drinks cost money! A credit apiece! And that’s the cheap ones! What kind of badass pays for drinks?
JANE: John, where are you?
JOHN: Over here. Near a bunch of books. Who buys books these days? (JANE finds JOHN upstairs in a small alcove beside a small statue, a drink in his hand)JANE: I thought you said badasses didn’t pay for drinks.
JOHN: I didn’t pay for it. I stole it off that guy in the purple bathrobe.
JANE: Don’t get into any fights, please! We need to find a power conduit.
KASUMI: (Over Radio) That’s the conduit there beside you.
JANE: What, the statue?
KASUMI: Behind it.
JANE: Oh. (Grabs JOHN’s drink and pours it on the wiring behind the statue. When people look at them oddly, they point at the man in the purple bathrobe)
KASUMI: That did it. Let’s go into the security room. How do you want to gain access?
JOHN: I have an idea. (While initially skeptical, the simplicity of JOHN’s plan appeals to her and she goes along with it. Fulfilling her role, she knocks on the door)SECURITY GUY 1: Who is it?
JOHN: Pizza Delivery.
SECURITY GUY 2: But we didn’t order any!
JOHN: Care of the boss!
SECURITY GUY 1: Really? Let’s open the door!
SECURITY GUY 2: Wait a sec, what if it’s Chief Roe busting us?
SECURITY GUY 1: Are you with Chief Roe?
JOHN: No. Open the dang door!
SECURITY GUY 2: Alright already! (The Door opens, and the two security personnel look at them confused)SECURITY GUY 1: You’re not the normal guy. Who are you?
SECURITY GUY 2: More importantly, who’s the babe? (While they are talking, KASUMI uncloaks behind them and conks their heads together. They fall like a couple of potato sacks. JANE searches the room.)KASUMI: Aha! Our password for the day is “Perrugia.” Brought to you by bad memories are us.
JANE: So what do I have to do?
KASUMI: Well, you need to get him talking, and somehow get the syllables “Pe” “Ru” & “Jah”
JOHN: That sounds like a lot of work.
JANE: There’s an easier solution. INT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: DINING AREA(Moments later, JANE is arguing with JOHN in the middle of the dining area. This quickly draws the attention of the guests, as well as their host. HOCK himself comes to find out what is going on)JOHN: I’m telling you, they can! They just focus on the martial skills.
JANE: (Snort) If you used your heads, you wouldn’t NEED martial skills!
HOCK: (In a thick Scot – South African accent) Jes’ Wha’ I’ goin’ on heure?
JANE: What? Do you speak English? What IS that accent?
HOCK: (Drops accent) I’m not really sure. The writers told me that it would add an air of mystery, and German seemed too cliché. Italian and French were too silly. So I went for a mixture of South African and Scottish, but it doesn’t sound like either does it?
JOHN: Not really. German would have worked.
HOCK: But enough about my corny writing. Why are you two fighting at my party?
JOHN: She says that us badasses ain’t smart enough. That we don’t remember history.
HOCK: Does she now? Well we can clear that right up. Ask me questions. Any you like.
JANE: Who was Ezio Auditorium?
HOCK: You mean Ezio Auditore Da Firenze. And he was the Assassin Mentor who milked a one game deal into three consecutive storylines. Oh, and was personally responsible for the Disaster of Constantinople.
JANE: Hm.. So you’ve been reading your gamer’s history of the world lately. Here’s a tougher one. Who stole the Mona Lisa in 1911?
HOCK: Of course I know this one. That would be Vincenzo Perrugia (He rolls the R’s, enjoying himself) claiming it belonged to his country of birth. Not that he didn’t mind making a little profit off his friend’s copies first.
JANE: You know your stuff all right. How did you get time to study with all your missions?
HOCK: It isn’t easy. It takes a lot of effort to present the “cultivated villain” approach. Hopefully my having this party sends out the message that I’m not afraid of anyone stupid enough to step up to me. (JANE, having got her answer, is now looking for an exit opportunity, but HOCK charges on, attracting the crowd’s attention.)HOCK: People these days want comfort, entertainment, love. They don’t see that the galaxy is fragile. They only have to worry about simple luxuries. Why? Because people like me – and you – are doing the terrible things that keep the Galaxy spinning. This party is for us. The cleaners. The support structure for the Galaxy’s gleeful delusions of peace. May there always be a market for the things we do. (Applause)
JANE: How long have you been waiting to make that speech?
HOCK: All night. You have no idea how hard it is to get a word in edgewise with these types? Worse than that deal with the Quarians… Have a drink on the house. Thank you for the opportunity.
JANE: No, thank you. (As villains are wont to do, HOCK misses the double meaning of JANE’s polite departure. JANE & JOHN then walk over to SECURITY OFFICER SAMUELS to gain access to HOCK’s bedroom)JOHN: We need to get in there.
SAMUELS: Do you have authorization?
JOHN: (Incredulous) Do WE have authorization?
JANE: (rolls her eyes in mock horror) Do WE have authorization?
SAMUELS: That’s what I said. So do you?
JOHN: Do we what?
SAMUELS: Have authorization?
JANE: Authorization for what?
SAMUELS: For entering Mr. Hock’s quarters. You two are really confusing. I better check with Chief Roe (They stand nervously, hoping KASUMI can pull off her role. SAMUELS puts his hand to his ear)SAMUELS: Chief Roe… this is er…. Samuels. Um … sorry to bother you ma’am, but um… do the Gun people have access to um… Mr. Hock’s private quarters?
KASUMI: (On radio, masquerading as ROE) They have access. Stop bothering me, Samuels!
SAMUELS: (Ecstatic) She knows my name! Of course she was talking in a really high voice and sounded YEARS younger, but she knows my name! (Frowns) That might be a bad thing. Oh crap. I got to think about this. You guys can go in. (SAMUELS is so distraught over this new development that he doesn’t notice as JANE holds the door open a little longer than necessary so KASUMI can get in)INT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: HOCK’S QUARTERSKASUMI: All right, we’re looking for DNA samples, so start digging! I’ll start with the antique weapons.
JANE: I’ll check the table over here.
JOHN: I’ll check that safe on the wall. (They both turn to look at him) What? He may have left DNA on his money! (JANE, finding nothing of use at the table, turns to the bed. Getting a couple skin flakes off the pillows, she notices something odd about the alarm clock)JANE: Who sets their alarm for 3 AM?
KASUMI: Oh. Ha. That was me. An old habit from my mansion robbing days. Loads of fun if the video monitors were still hooked up.
JANE: So YOU’RE the one? I thought it was John!
JOHN: (Arm deep in the couch) Me what?
KASUMI: Sorry. I stopped doing it after smashed into the wall.
JOHN: Aha! A credit chit!
JANE: Just don’t do it again. Would this help? (Holds up mini-computer with fingerprints all over it)
KASUMI: I think we have enough. (They waltz out, passing SAMUELS, and going down the stairs to the strangely unguarded passageway. KASUMI works her magic, and the elevator door opens.)JANE: So where did you put our armor?
KASUMI: In the statue. Your guns are in there too.
JOHN: Bianca! How I’ve missed you! INT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: VAULT(In a lightning fast change the cutscene doesn’t quite explain, they switch over to armor and ride the elevator downstairs. HOCK’s vault is indeed impressive)JANE: Is that a… What is that?
JOHN: Old stuff.
JANE: I know it’s old stuff, but this collection is exquisite. Kasumi, hold up a second, let’s explo—(an alarm cuts off JANE’s idea)
KASUMI: Sorry. I have the graybox. And new guns! (Tosses one to each of them)
JOHN: Oooh! I shall call you Leeloo. When will I get a chance to use you on something… (Fate deals JOHN a break and an enormous head is suddenly projected over them. It’s DONOVAN HOCK doing his best “Wizard of Oz” impression.)HOCK: I am the great and powerful Hock! Did you really think you could steal from me?
JANE: Uh, yes. Notice we’re standing in your vault? The super impenetrable one?
HOCK: (With JOHN eerily echoing below) Heheh… Inpenetrable.
JANE: Men! Come on Kasumi.
HOCK: Not so fast, Ms. Goto. I need your graybox, and I’m willing to kill you to get it.
JOHN: You mean there’s another way to get at it? Why didn’t you use it on her boyfriend? Then he could tell you how to use it! Torture smart, man!
HOCK: I lied. There’s really only one way to get it. But it sounds very dramatic to offer another way don’t you think?
JOHN: Probably. I would have just gassed us by now though.
HOCK: I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe next time.
JANE: If you’re done talking to my fanatic brother, can I have your attention? (She is holding a pistol to a statue’s “head”) We get out of here or the… whatever-it-is gets it.
HOCK: Noooo! Don’t do that! (At this moment, HOCK’s guards come in. They start firing immediately; shattering the artwork JANE was just threatening to destroy. The giant HOCK head does not like this at all)HOCK: You imbeciles! Don’t shoot the Art! Kill them! (JANE, KASUMI, & JOHN, taking advantage of their “hide-behind-stuff” training, promptly sit down behind the art. JOHN has lit a cigar. They wait until the guards get bored, then come storming out, mowing them down in a rain of bullets.)(OK, OK, they wait until the guards fall asleep and sneak past. Don’t you wish you’d accepted Narration 1? )EXT: BEKENSTEIN: HOCK ESTATE: LANDING PAD(Having gotten past the guards they come outside to the landing pad. Alas, HOCK is already there in his gunship, and he does not look happy)KASUMI: Drat. I was hoping to avoid this.
JANE: Why does everyone always want to shoot me?
JOHN: Did anyone else bring their missile launcher? (JANE smiles in relieved disbelief as JOHN proceeds to fire off a few rounds at the gunship, lowering its shields dramatically. Some of HOCK’s minions approach.)KASUMI: If you can keep them busy, I can take Hock out.
JANE: Right, keep them busy. How do I do that without dying?
JOHN: (Overhearing) Carefully! (JANE tosses a rock in his direction and dutifully snipes a couple mercs who have come within range. The rest back off for a moment, and JOHN reloads his launcher. Thus no one is paying attention when KASUMI launches herself in the air and lands on the hood of the gunship. She pushes some buttons and the rearming shields stop rearming. She gracefully flips backward off the ship into cover)KASUMI: Did you see that?
JANE: See what?
KASUMI: I climbed up the pipework, jumped on the gunship, and disarmed his shields! (Panting from excitement and exertion)
JOHN: Hah! Bullcrap! My missiles did it!
KASUMI: Honest!
JANE: You’re a master thief; your main skill is being dishonest! Now stop talking and shoot these guys!
KASUMI: I hate you people. (JOHN’s missiles finish the job and HOCK’s gunship [with HOCK included] explodes in a marvelous fireworks show. The mercenaries, seeing their paycheck won’t be coming this time, disappear, leaving an empty landing pad for the NORMANDY’s Shuttle. They board, KASUMI eager to begin the breaking of Keiji’s code.)INT: FLYING OVER BEKENSTEIN: SHUTTLEJANE: Are you sure you don’t want to wait until we board the ship?
JOHN: I’m bored. Do it now.
KASUMI: (Not listening to either of them) Now if I insert it here, we can all see… Aha. (A hologram of KEIJI OKUDA appears)KEIJI: Kasumi, if you’re viewing this, I’m dead.
JOHN: No duh!
JANE: Be quiet, John. This is a very emotional moment.
KASUMI: Oh, Keiji!
KEIJI: The information we found is all here. It’s big, Kasumi. (JOHN giggles and JANE smacks him)KEIJI: I encrypted the information to keep it safe. And I uploaded the encryption key to your graybox, so no one could get the whole package. (JOHN laughs louder, and JANE can’t hide a tiny smirk)KASUMI: Oh, Keiji!
KEIJI: I know you, Kasumi. You’ll want to keep these memories forever. But you don’t need some neural implant to know I’ll always be with you. Please, Kasumi. Destroy these files. There’s nothing more I can do to protect you.
KASUMI: This is all that’s left! I can’t do it! Keiji!
KEIJI: Goodbye, Kasumi. I love you.
KASUMI: No! Keiji! Shepard, should I destroy it?
JANE: Why are you asking me? He’s your boyfriend.
JOHN: I don’t care.
KASUMI: But… what if the information hurts your mission? What if it implicates the alliance?
JANE: Then the Alliance deserves it. The Alliance got me into this in the first place. The Alliance left me to die in space. The Alliance let me get resurrected by terrorists. The Alliance sent my boyfriend to have a chat with me when they found out I was alive… without telling him. The Alliance can go jump in a black hole.
JOHN: Heheh (At their glares) Let’s get back to the ship. (They reboard the NORMANDY and JANE approaches the Galaxy map. Bored, she scans the systems until she sees one marked “Reaper IFF.” She clicks it. She clicks the link beside the description of the planet, planning to send a probe down and look around. Too late she realizes she’s clicked the “Land” link and is now set for a course with destiny.)JANE: Oh crap.
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Post by Clint Johnston on Jan 24, 2012 4:51:10 GMT 1
Almost done! Pretty long, but I checked my other chapters and it's not too bad. Planning on two more chapters!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 20: My First Robot (Batteries not included)
INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK(JANE SHEPARD has just hit the “land” button to connect with the disabled reaper that supposedly has a Reaper IFF, which is necessary to their mission. However, the information was provided by TIM [short for “The Illusive Man”] whose last two missives landed them in surprise attacks.)JANE: Of all the stupid harebrained things to do! Can we cancel that, Joker?
JOKER: Not an option, commander. Once you hit that button, it’s either play it through or re-load.
JANE: But my last save was before Illium! Damn it!
JOHN: Oh come on it won’t be that bad. It’s an ancient dormant ship, what’s the worst that could happen?
MIRANDA: I’m sure the Illusive Man wouldn’t send us to any location we couldn’t handle. Cerberus is much too invested in the success of this mission.
JANE: Riiiight. So that’s why he threw us in front of the bus the last two times? My only question is who’s got the drop on us this time…
JOKER: I can answer that, Commander. There’s a geth ship docked nearby. Well the Normandy says it’s a geth ship. I can’t see through all those storm clouds. Speaking of which, we may encounter a bit of turbulence in a sec. (“A bit” consists of every loose item being knocked off its perch and rolling around on the floor or into the ventilation grates. Then they are flying suddenly flying smoothly again.)JANE: What happened?
JOKER: We’ve passed into the Reaper’s mass effect field. Which is apparently still active centuries after it was killed. Which does not bode ominously at all.
JANE: Great. Alright, Johnny, gear up and pick two people to come with us. And use your head! (JOHN selects MIRANDA, so he can impress her with his feats of derring-do, and MORDIN, who poses the least threat in one-upping said feats, at least in JOHN’s jock estimation)INT: REAPER: ENTRYWAYJANE: “Ishimara” Where have I heard that name before?
JOHN: Who cares, they left the safe open!
MIRANDA: Here’s a log by Dr. Chandana. (They hit play)CHANDANA: There’s something off about this ship. Something we’re missing. Oh well, it’s TV night. We’ve all agreed to watch Wife Swap, which is odd in itself, but I’m absolutely sure it’s my favorite show, so who cares why the others are watching it.
MORDIN: Obsession. Sign of indoctrination?
JOHN: Over a TV show? Hardly. Jane watches several religiously. Who’s the biggest loser? The unlucky guy who can’t grab the remote fast enough.
MIRANDA: Here’s another log. (Unnamed Scientist shares his concern with what must have been his blog)UNNAMED SCIENTIST: Dr. Chandana is A-1 certified crazy. The other day, I caught him standing in one place for hours, “listening” to the ship. I say he’s overworked and needs sleep. Talk to you guys tomorrow. Wife Swap is on!
JANE: Again? Something’s fishy. Reality TV is cheesy, but two people with the same favorite on the same small science team? Odd. (They open a door, and the entire ship shakes. JOKER hails them on the radio)JOKER: Commander! The Reaper just put up kinetic barriers!
JOHN: The what just did what?
EDI: The shields are now active, Floss-picker Shepard. Which means you may not exit via the same way you entered.
MIRANDA: We’ll have to find another way out!
JANE: (Snarky) “Oh come on it can’t be that bad” “I’m sure the Illusive Man wouldn’t send us to any location we couldn’t handle” Why does no one listen to me? (A walkway in front of them leads down some steps past some crates. As they walk by, they hear a groaning sound behind them. Husks appear, mindlessly charging at them)JOHN: Check this out! (Using his vanguard charge, he smashes into a husk, blowing it to smithereens. He does this several times, not noticing that JANE and MORDIN are getting penned in.)JANE: Mordin, do something!
MORDIN: Suggest you shoot them, Commander! One moment!
JANE: One moment? I don’t have a moment. Every time I turn around my worst nightmares are attacking me. And they don’t die with headshots like everything else!
MORDIN: There! (A pink light emanates from his Omni-tool, and the ring of husks around them drops dead)
JANE: Wha? How?
MORDIN: Neural shock. Created in spare time since stopped worrying about Maelon. Ingenious, no?
JOHN: Aw man, I was having fun.
MIRANDA: That was pretty impressive, the way you smashed them into bits.
JOHN: Wasn’t it? (Objections forgotten, they plod along, picking up upgrades the scientists were nice enough to leave lying around. There is an open room in front of them, with a device of some sort at the end. They approach, but before getting far, they are surrounded by more husks.)JANE: Just how big was this science team?!
MIRANDA: I have no idea. Maybe 200?
MORDIN: 212 at present count. Suggest ducking now. (MORDIN’S Neural Shock wipes out a wave. JOHN is enjoying his charge skills until he has a problem)JOHN: Wheeee!!! (Wham) Heeeeey! Why aren’t you disintegrated? You’re bigger th--- (JOHN comes flying back towards the others)JOHN: Owww. That one is definitely bigger.
JANE: Bigger? (Peeks over crate where she’s been firing blind) Oh crap.
MIRANDA: I’ll take care of this. (Using Warp, she eliminates the Big Husk’s armor reserves, killing it. They look around the room. JANE finds another log)SCIENTIST: (Slurred, slow) Wife swap gooooood. Love that show. Dr. Chandana says we should show our devotion to it by jumping on these metal stakes. Goodbye cruel w— (JANE shuts it off)
MORDIN: Indoctrination. Effective while ship dead?
MIRANDA: Can’t be. The ship has no mind anymore.
MORDIN: Maybe dormant. Should investigate core. (Through the next corridor, then out onto a platform. JANE spots the light reflecting off of a sniper’s scope.)JANE: Look out! (Shots fire, but no one appears injured. Behind her, she finds two dead husks) What the? (A Geth stands up on a distant balcony)GETH: Shepard- Commander. (It disappears in the other direction)MIRANDA: Did that geth just…?
MORDIN: Unprecedented!
JANE: A talking geth? That’s new. (Shrugs) I suppose if they can have talking darkspawn, I really shouldn’t be surprised.
JOHN: Dumbass said it backwards. (Walking on, they find several more pockets of husks, along with a big husk or two. While JANE is still extremely jumpy, she doesn’t lose her cool and they eventually reach an airlock. Inside is the Reaper IFF.)JANE: Finally. What else do we have to do? Oh right, blow the ship we’re on out of the sky without dying.
JOHN: Another day’s work! (The last door opens, and before them is the Reaper’s Mass Effect Core. It’s a big blue ball of light. In front of it, a Geth is manipulating controls of some sort. A barrier in front of the team shuts off, right as some husks appear and disable the Geth.)MIRANDA: (pointing at the pulsating core) Is that what we shoot?
JOHN: In between husks, yep!
MORDIN: No mobility! Easy target! (JANE focuses on the Core, but can’t get many shots off before a metal door slams shut, blocking her. She tries to help the others for a time. When the last husk is killed, the doors reopen, but again close before she can make a significant dent. She turns to MIRANDA in frustration)JANE: I really really wish the Illusive Man had stocked grenades in my armory! I mean, how hard is it? I had them when I worked for the alliance!
MIRANDA: I thought you knew Commander, they’re on the top shelf on the right. Unless someone picked them up already. We didn’t buy that many.
JANE: Of course not. Johnny, you wouldn’t know what happened to my grenades, would you?
JOHN: Who, Me? (Charges into a husk) Haven’t seen ‘em!
JANE: JOHN!
JOHN: Oh all right. But I was saving them to give to Zaeed for his birthday! (JANE bundles several grenades together and prepares to toss them at the core.)MIRANDA: Commander are you sure you want to… This is a bad idea!
JANE: Stick around; I’m full of bad ideas! (Tosses) (JANE’S Timing is perfect and the grenade goes into the core right as the door slams shut again, focusing the blast in the core and destroying it. The Reaper, now completely dead, begins its long descent. As it breaks apart, MIRANDA, MORDIN & JOHN all follow her over to the limp form of the Geth)JOHN: Wow. A geth. What do we do with it?
JANE: I don’t know. Take it with us?
MORDIN: Intact specimen! Prime for research!
MIRANDA: Cerberus has a long term bounty on a live geth. It’s an enormous amount of money.
JOHN: And you never mentioned this until now??? How many of these things have I killed? I could captured one of them easy! But noooo you don’t mention it until we’re on a crashing spaceship.
JANE: Shut up, we’re taking it with us. We’ll decide what to do with back on the ship. (Running towards the furthest dock, they realize they have a bit of a problem. The Normandy can’t get close enough for them to walk over to it. They are going to have to jump. The Geth is tossed on first, where it magically drifts exactly where it’s supposed to go. Then MIRANDA JANE & MORDIN all make the leap onto the airlock. JOHN’S leap doesn’t go so well, and he’s hanging by his fingers onto the side of the ship when JANE reaches down.)JOHN: Jane! Tell them we did our best, Jane. We did all we could!
JANE: You idiot. Get up here. (As she hauls him up) You know, if you’re going to be going on these life or death missions where jumping 10 feet is the difference between success and failure, you might want to cut down on the Cheetos.
JOHN: But I like Cheetos! INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM(JANE has asked MIRANDA to explain the bounty she mentioned. JOHN is listening intently, and somehow JACOB slipped in)MIRANDA: The Illusive Man has offered 50,000 credits for an intact Geth.
JOHN: I still don’t know why nobody’s told me about this before.
JACOB: Space it. If the bad memories of my father weren’t enough, I have to deal every day with the horrors at Eden Prime.
JANE: Huh? Oh that’s right, I forgot that chunk of your backstory. Thanks for the reminder. Miranda, where did you put it?
MIRANDA: In the AI core.
JANE: Well, that makes sense. Who would rob a place where someone left the keys in the door? It never occurred to you that it might hack us?
MIRANDA: It can’t. Not unless we wake it up. I suggest we send it to Cerberus for study.
JANE: That option’s out. Credits or no credits, I’m not doing one more thing than necessary to help Timmy. He can go catch his own geth. Other options?
JACOB: Throw it out an airlock.
JOHN: Hold the phone! If I can’t keep the 50,000 credits, then I most certainly am not throwing out what could be the coolest desk lamp of all time.
JANE: And we’re not going with either of those. I want to talk to it.
MIRANDA: Commander, you can’t!
JACOB: It’s too dangerous!
JOHN: There goes my lamp. Are you really sure, sis?
JANE: I want to find out why it’s wearing N7 armor. And why it shot those zombies behind me. And why it knows my name. Yep. Going to go talk to it.
JOHN: They might be right, you know.
JANE: Hey, you opened up Grunt’s tank. This is the same kind of thing.
MIRANDA: Except Grunt couldn’t hack his way into the oxygen supply…
JANE: Hey, snarky remarks are my territory. Go complain about being pretty. (JANE walks out of the Meeting Room. With JOHN tagging along, she takes the Elevator down to the crew deck and walks past the dozing DR. BASTILLASMOTHER into the AI core. A guard is standing by near the limp form of the Geth, looking very bored.)JANE: Any activity?
GUARD: Not unless you count me touching my toes. Have to keep up the calisthenics.
JOHN: Hmm. Maybe I should try that.
GUARD: Only if you promise not to throw me out an airlock when we get to situps.
JOHN: Do I have to?
JANE: Yes. Now let’s wake this thing up. EDI, can you set up a super firewall?
EDI: With Mr. Moreau’s extranet browsing habits, I’ve had to. Use your omnitool to create a pretend digital wall for dramatic effect. (JANE does as the AI suggests, then sends a charge to the other AI to reboot it.)GETH: (System starts)DOOONNNNG.
JANE: (Loudly and slowly) HELLO! DO – YOU – SPEAK – ENGLISH?
GETH: yes.
JANE: Good! Why haven’t you tried to kill me?
GETH: wall.
JANE: Right… well every other geth I’ve met has tried to kill me. But I really hate the other option of sending you off for the jerks at Cerberus to study. Why are you here?
GETH: brought.
JANE: What I mean is, why were you on the reaper?
GETH: research.
JANE: You don’t talk much, do you?
GETH: no.
JANE: I’m going to guess and say you were on board trying to get information on the Reapers, so you can fight them?
GETH: yes.
JOHN: But you were with them on Eden Prime. And the Citadel.
GETH: heretics.
JANE: Now calling us names won’t help. We want to understand you and we both need to fight the reapers.
GETH: you fought heretics. We are true geth.
JOHN: Heh. It thinks it’s more than one robot.
GETH: 1,183.
JOHN: Huh? (EDI pops up behind them with clarification)EDI: I think hot stuff here is saying it has 1,183 programs running on it. Shepard will you introduce us? Look at his RAM!
JANE: Edi, meet uh… Geth. What am I supposed to call you?
GETH: Geth.
JANE: Geth? That really makes it hard to distinguish you from the others.
GETH: We are geth.
EDI: Commander, if I may? “My name is Legion for we are many”
GETH: Acceptable. Now renaming. Legion.
JANE: What just happened?
LEGION: We have been renamed. It has stimulated our vocal circuits. Ineffective, but we will use anyway.
JANE: So why were you on that ship?
LEGION: Research on (moves fingers in quotation mark gesture) Reapers. We call them the Old Machines.
JOHN: That’s not a very cool name. Think about it! “AUGH the Reapers are coming!” “Oh my, the old machines are on their way.” See? Nowhere near the coolness level.
LEGION: We wish to join you.
JANE: Well I do have one more slot before my crew becomes an even dozen. That is, if I can find where Zaeed disappeared to. And you won’t eat much. (She snorts, then glares when no one else gets the joke). You can stay. You’re pretty good with that sniper rifle. Though I would stay here, and not go anywhere near the engine room.
LEGION: Why?
JANE: We have a quarian on the crew. Given the history of your two races, let’s try to avoid reenacting any wars on my ship, alright?
LEGION: We need your help Shepard-Commander.
JANE: Already? I haven’t even asked you about upgrades yet!
LEGION: Our heretics need to be destroyed. We need to fly to the secret space station and disable the server.
JANE: Possibly. How many geth are on this station?
LEGION: Billions.
JANE: B-Billions? Sorry, that’s not going to happen. Go see if you can find some gullible doctor to blow it up for you.
LEGION: Please consider. Will wait. (They are interrupted by KELLY CHAMBERS, JANE’S ‘assistant’)KELLY: Commander, there’s like, an important message or something.
JANE: OK. One second, Legion.
LEGION: One second has passed.
JANE: I mean give me a min… er moment … to check my e-mail. (JANE’S e-mail reveals a message from the vanished mercenary ZAEED MASSANI)Shepard,
Was the only one left alive in that goddam bar on goddam omega. Left to complete my private mission on Zorya. Have to kill Vido Santiago. If you want me to come along on your trip, you goddam better come give me a hand.
Zaeed
Ex-Commander, Blue Suns Mercenary group.
P.S. If you need a bleeding heart reason to come, we’re going to save the goddam factory workers that goddam Vido is using as goddam slaves.JANE: (Over radio) Joker, can you get us to the planet Zorya?
JOKER: I’m the pilot. If I can fly this thing like a fighter jet in a battle, I can taxi you over to Zorya.
JANE: Good, thanks. (returns to matter at hand) I’m sorry Legion, but fighting billions of Geth seems a bit out of my abilities. Rescuing some prisoners is much more feasible.
LEGION: We understand. We can complete later. (A short while later, JANE’S radio beeps)JOKER: Commander, we’re here! Please take me with you!
JANE: Take you with us, why? You’ve never wanted to come with us before. What about your condition?
JOKER: Kelly is organizing a Karaoke contest on the command deck. I’m crippled, I can’t move very fast. Uh… Hello Kelly. Stop disconnecting my chair! Kelly! Save yourself, Commander! (JANE doesn’t waste time, and heads for the shuttle immediately. As she settles down to the controls, she hears a frantic whispering in the back)SAMARA: Mr. Grunt, could I trouble you to move to the side a little?
GRUNT: I’m over as far as I can be!
THANE: There is a space to your left.
KASUMI: Sorry, that’s me. Left my cloak on.
MIRANDA: Alright, who did that?! Someone grabbed my butt!
JACOB: Hic. Wasn’t me!
MORDIN: Not I.
GARRUS: In C-sec, we often had to deal with overcrowded vehicles.
LEGION: C-Sec. Abbreviation for Citadel Security. Known for incompetence and corruptibility.
JACK: A F****** karaoke contest. Could this job get any worse?
TALI: Hey guys! Scotty said we were having a surprise party in here. Didn’t say for who, though. Did anyone bring cake?
ALL: NO! JANE opens the partition)[/i] JANE: What are all of you doing down here?
THANE: We are going with you.
JANE: Usually only two at a time come with me.
KASUMI: Kelly was organizing a karaoke contest.
JACK: F****** Karaoke.
MORDIN: Karaoke? Thought we had fresh supplies in here. Tired of ramen.
JANE: That’s a pretty good reason! Fasten your seatbelts! (As she pulls out, a frantic banging is heard on the hull of the shuttle before she opens the airlock. She reopens the door, and JOHN jumps in pulling it closed behind him)JOHN: Go go go go! She was right behind me! (The door opens and the shuttle rapidly departs the ship. After flying around the atmosphere a few minutes, they spot a fire with a sole person opposite it. They land nearby, and ZAEED MASSANI is waiting for them when they open the door and clamber out)EXT: ZORYA: LANDING SITEZAEED: Goddam it. Only one of you can come along besides the Shepards! I can’t babysit all of you! (LEGION is the quickest to process the information and step forward)LEGION: Shepard Commander. We request to assist on this errand.
JANE: Fine, you, John, & Zaeed come with me. The rest of you stay here and entertain yourselves. (The SHEPARD team treks off into the jungle. The SHUTTLE team watches them go.)GRUNT: So, we’re to amuse one another?
THANE: Perhaps the writers thought we would be in stasis when the Shepards left the shuttle for their mission.
JACK: Well I ain’t F******* getting in there again.
SAMARA: Jack, why do you use profanity so much? Do you have a syndrome like Shepard?
JACK: Here’s what you can do with your syndrome!!!!!!! EXT: ZORYA: PATH TO FACTORY(A mile down the path, a tree crashes down in front of the SHEPARD team.)JOHN: What the?
LEGION: Calculated trajectory indicates launched by use of biotics 1.56589 km away. Strong biotic source. Secondary squad?
JANE: Jack would be my bet. The fact that it landed here means she didn’t impale Miranda on it. She’s getting better!
ZAEED: I took biotics with me on a mission to the goddam Krogan DMZ. I was the only one who made it out alive. Or maybe that was because we forgot the biotics. Whatever. (As they continue walking, they almost stumble on a pair of guards. One is speaking the other)GUARD 1: Stillll nothing. Why are we out here again?
GUARD 2: (Slow) Because Vido said we should be. You never know what could be out there.
GUARD 1: Right. Like there will be anything out there. We’re at a tiny factory on a small planet in the middle of nowhere!
GUARD 2: (Indignant) Oh yeah? Well would you do if a squad of commandos popped out of those trees? Huh? What would you do?
GUARD 1: I’d throw down my gun and hope they were in a forgiving mood.
GUARD 2: What kind of commando is in a good mood after trekking through this jungle? You really think they aren’t just going to plug you and keep moving?
JOHN: (Whispering) He’s right. It’s just what I’d do.
ZAEED: Goddam Right.
JANE: Let’s just sneak around them.
LEGION: Odds of success 78%. This method is acceptable. (They move off the path and get around the pair without much effort, arriving at a mechanical bridge. While JANE is opening it up, JOHN turns to ZAEED)JOHN: So, Zaeed, why are we killing this guy? I mean, I love a revenge drama as much as the next guy, but why this moron?
ZAEED: He had me shot.
JOHN: Oh come on now. Did you screw him over on a deal or something?
ZAEED: He hired my own men to hold me down while he shot me in the head.
JOHN: Niiiiice. I mean… Ow.
LEGION: Survival rates of direct shots to the human cranial region minimal.
JANE: How did you survive that one, Zaeed?
ZAEED: Hey, I don’t poke holes in your goddam backstory! (The bridge reaches the other side and ZAEED walks on, ignoring JANE’s bewildered look as she tries to frame a response to his statement. Finally, JOHN taps her on the shoulder and they walk up to a bunker. In true villain fashion, VIDO has left the door open and is practicing his slow clap on the balcony above the entrance)VIDO: Zaeed.
ZAEED: Vido.
VIDO: Don’t be stupid, old man. I have a whole company of bloodthirsty bastards behind me ready to kill or be killed on my command. Actually go ahead, take your shot. Let me put you down again like the mad dog you are. (At this point JANE stands up)JANE: What am I, chopped liver? You’re so focused on your stupid feud between each other that you have allowed not 1, not 2, but 3 additional commandos into your facility. And while we may not be bloodthirsty … Legion, do geth get bloodthirsty?
LEGION: Negative. Cessation of hostilities is satisfactory, whether organic opponents alive or dead.
JOHN: I’m bloodthirsty!
JANE: Shut up, John. My point is, we’re going to kill you, and your team is going to run away like a bunch of little girls. (VIDO turns to scowl at JANE, missing ZAEED’s move towards the pressure valves. Thus he is unpleasantly surprised when the wall behind him explodes in flame, incinerating said company of morally challenged persons of uncertain parentage)JOHN: Now that’s how to do a distraction speech.
ZAEED: He’s getting away! EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMPTALI: Want to play a game?
SAMARA: Dear, why don’t we play the silent game? I used to play it all the time with my daughters. Morinth was especially good.
TALI: (Resentfully) I don’t like that game. My father loved it though. That reminds me, does anyone want to go visit the flotilla with me? I have some urgent busine… (They hear the explosion when the gates open)GARRUS: Now that’s the way to enter a secret base.
KASUMI: Tacky. Better to sneak in and get the guy when he’s not looking.
THANE: Agreed. The sound of a neck snapping is all the commotion one should cause.
JACK: That’s Shepard for you. Blow em to kingdom come, and pick up the pieces afterwards.
MORDIN: Not Shepard’s modus operandi. She prefers the subtle approach, the beneficial answers.
JACK: I wasn’t talking about the F****** sister! Though I guess I owe her for the whole Pragia thing.
SAMARA: We all do. It will increase our devotion as we go forth to face destiny.
JACOB: Do they have a bar there? I’m getting sober. INT: ZORYA: EXPLODING REFINERY(The SHEPARD TEAM is pursuing VIDO through the exploding pipe-work. Fortunately none of it hits anyone. They spot a door that’s slightly ajar, but a voice from behind stops them before they enter)VOICE: Help! Help us! The factory is going to explode!
JANE: Wait, so you weren’t lying about the prisoners?
ZAEED: I tell the truth! Sometimes. When it suits me.
JANE: You know I have to rescue those people.
ZAEED: No you don’t.
JOHN: Duh! They can’t help us, and killing him is removing a blight on the galaxy!
JANE: Like you ever cared about that! And since when have you known what a blight even was?
JOHN: I had a dream about it. I killed the dragon! Then I died. It kinda sucked.
LEGION: Division of forces clear solution. We will proceed to rescue the trapped organics. You pursue the other organic.
ZAEED: Goddam Capital, let’s go! (Five minutes later, JOHN & ZAEED have killed a few henchmen whilst JANE & LEGION have turned a few knobs. They arrive at the last door before the shuttle bay at exactly the same time.)JANE: Well! So much for it being useless to save the workers! It took you that long to get around the big daddy!
JOHN: We would have killed it faster if you had been helping. But Nooooo!
ZAEED: Open the goddam door already! (The door opens, but they are too late. The shuttle is taking off with VIDO inside. He waves cheerily from the window)ZAEED: AUggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Turns to JANE) You! You did this to me. I had him, but you had to go save the bleedin hostages!
JANE: Excuse me? Who is in command here? That’s right, I am. And I play as paragon. Which means I help people who need it! (ZAEED ejects his cli… heat sink with savagery, propelling it into a pool of leaked fuel nearby. It ignites, causing an explosion. Miraculously, no one is hurt in the slightest except ZAEED, who has had a large piece of rebar land on his back, pinning him)EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMPJACOB: (Suddenly remembering) Anybody want a drink? I keep my stash under the seats in here.
MIRANDA: Jacob, that’s where we kept the emergency medical supplies!
JACOB: So? Anything that gets past Grunt, Garrus, & Thane probably won’t need it.
MIRANDA: The Illusive Man won’t like this.
JACOB: The Illusive Man knew my father was alive and didn’t bother to tell me. He can land in that sun he likes parking outside of so much.
KASUMI: Hey, what’s that? (They watch as the shuttle lifts off in the distance)EXT: ZORYA: LANDING PAD(ZAEED is still pinned, and JANE is kneeling beside him.)ZAEED: Help me!
JANE: What’s that? (A mocking hand to her ear) Someone crying for help? Too bad, I have to go save the galaxy!
JOHN: Oh come on, Jane. You don’t have to be mean.
LEGION: Demonstration clear. You are the superior organic.
JANE: I was making a point. (She shoves the rebar aside, and helps ZAEED up) It’s not just a personality quirk. I actually want to help people. And you should too.
ZAEED: Goddam enlightening. Now I have to go back after Vido with scratch.
JOHN: Maybe not scratch. You don’t care HOW he dies, right? Just that he’s dead?
ZAEED: (Thinks for a second) A headshot would be nice, but anything in a pinch.
JOHN: (Slaps ear, activating radio) Open fire, boys!
JANE: And girls!
JOHN: Right, and girls. I’d like to see them outmaneuver this! EXT: ZORYA: SHUTTLE CAMP(The Shuttle quickly crashes in the jungle with a fiery explosion. The SHUTTLE TEAM argues as to the cause)GARRUS: I hit the pilot.
THANE: As did I.
MORDIN: Confident it was exploding fuel tank
JACK: I F****** threw a giant rock into it!
MIRANDA: You hit a heavily armored shuttle with a rock? Please. That isn’t what knocked it down.
SAMARA: Profanity aside, it was a large rock. And I may have helped a little on the trajectory.
TALI: I overloaded its shields!
GRUNT: I rooted for you guys! (They all look at him; a bit disappointed he didn’t have anything more impressive to say)GRUNT: What? I have a shotgun. Not very useful at long range. My other power is armor. (Defensively) It’s not like Jacob & Kasumi did anything either.
MIRANDA: Where are they anyway? (JACOB appears, straightening his uniform) JACOB: What did I miss? (KASUMI walks out of the jungle a few feet away.)
GRUNT: Only the entire team shooting down a tiny shuttle.
JACOB: Oh… I thought those were fireworks.
MIRANDA: So we gathered … (Smirking at KASUMI, who is busily studying the sky) (JANE, JOHN, LEGION & ZAEED walk up, and the banter ceases as everyone tries to fit back on board the shuttle. They fly back to the NORMANDY. JANE goes directly to her cabin and flops onto the bed.)JANE: Ahhh… Peace and quiet at last. (She listens blissfully to nothing) Wait a minute. Quiet? On my ship? I should be so lucky! Edi?
EDI: (Popping out of JANE’s dresser) Commander, you need to come down to the engineering deck right away. Mr. Moreau has been hurt. TO BE CONTINUED…
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Post by Clint Johnston on Feb 10, 2012 6:24:23 GMT 1
Well here we are at the end! The last chapter will cover offer closure, cover the DLC, and provide a killer epilogue!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 21: Don’t Try This At Home (Swingin’ Suicide Missions with the Shepards)
Cont’d from Chapter 20
INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN’S CABIN: DAY(JANE SHEPARD is in her cabin, where EDI has just interrupted her reflections on ZAEED MASSANI’s loyalty mission with the news that JEFF “JOKER” MOREAU, the ship’s helmsman, has been seriously injured on the engineering)JANE: Joker? Hurt? How? What was he doing on the engineering deck? Why didn’t Kelly tell me?
EDI: Joker will explain what has happened. INT: NORMANDY: ENGINEERING DECK: DAY(JANE gets up and takes the elevator down to engineering. JOHN, GRUNT, & ZAEED are waiting for the elevator.)JANE: John, what are you up to? First Edi tells me Joker’s down here in engineering of all places and here you are leaving the scene?
JOHN: I didn’t do nothing! To Joker anyway. You see Jack, I was never here.
ZAEED: Goddam Scotty knocked over my model of the Verrikan and left blood all over the goddam floor! Wait’ll I get my hands on him!
GRUNT: Shepard, I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. However, being a Krogan, I seem to have been accepted without question into what is apparently a “club” of unattached males. They seem to think that I would be suspected in an upcoming prank of theirs on Subject Zero, and have advised me to leave the area.
JOHN: huh?
JANE: Just don’t let them do anything really stupid.
GRUNT: Consider it done. Let’s go. (The two groups swap places and JANE enters the Engineering core. She spots JOKER’S limp body and runs to his side, hitting her radio to alert DR. BASTILLASMOTHER at the same time)JANE: Joker! Are you all right?
JOKER: Owwwwwww.
JANE: What happened? How did you get down here?
JOKER: Owwwwwww.
JANE: Well, we’re not going to make any progress if you just lay there groaning. EDI?
EDI: Shepard? How can I help?
JANE: You can tell me what the hell is going on! Joker is incapacitated and Dr. Bastillasmother isn’t answering her comm!
EDI: Dr. Bastillasmother is gone, Shepard. I’m sorry.
JANE: Is she drunk again? I swear, I will fire her so fast…
EDI: No. She was taken by the collectors.
JANE: What? There are no collectors here! Just Joker laying here.
JOKER: Owwwwwww. No… bones… left…
EDI: Joker saved the ship, Commander. He crawled through the ventilation shafts and unlocked me, then restarted the engines so I could move us out of range.
JANE: Ventilation shafts? Unlocked? Move out of range?
(Perhaps to ease JANE’s befuddlement, MIRANDA arrives. She stalks in and shouts at JOKER)
MIRANDA: All of them? You lost all of them?
JANE: Stop it. Stop this and make some sense right now, or I swear I will hang up this suit of armor and go be an accountant until the reapers kill us all! Will somebody get this man some medigel? INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MED BAY: DAY(A short while later, Joker has been hauled up to the med bay. Drugged to the hilt, he’s now able to explain what happened, though not why he’s still alive)JANE: So… the IFF had a virus, which was a GPS, which alerted the collectors, who stole the crew, and you managed to escape by climbing down the shafts? You, who can’t walk upright without wincing?
JOKER: I have no idea how it worked, but I’m Seth Green, so maybe it was a solo “time to shine” sequence? Wow, these drugs are good. Watch me jump up and down!
JOHN: I don’t get it. Why steal the crew? Who cares about them?
JOKER: (Now restrained and sulking) They weren’t after them. They were after Shepard. And would have got you, too, if I hadn’t saved the day.
MIRANDA: About that… Do you know how many laws you’ve broken by unhooking the restrictions on EDI?
JANE: Since when have you cared about laws? Though I am a bit worried, EDI. Would you mind promising not to go insane and decide to kill us all?
EDI: Promise not to order me to open the pod bay doors, and we have a deal.
JANE: Done. So where are they? I mean the crew, not the doors.
EDI: The collectors have them. I don’t know their intentions.
JANE: Well then what are we waiting for? Let’s go after them! (A clatter interrupts them. JANE opens the door to the AI core to spy LEGION and TALI wrestling against the wall. With GRUNT’S help she breaks up the fight)JANE: Hey! What’s this all about? Legion’s all right, Tali!
TALI: Shepard! You let a geth on board? And you housed it in the computer core? Are you insane? I was saving us all from certain death!
LEGION: Rather clumsily, if we may offer an opinion. Physical force is not the best method for defeating a thousand program mobile platform.
TALI: Quiet, machine! You killed my homeworld!
LEGION: Because your ancestors attempted to wipe us out!
JANE: Shut up, both of you! I don’t have time for this. Neither do our people. The collectors stole them. We have to go rescue them. Your loyalty missions will have to wait indefinitely. Now stop fighting each other when we all know we aren’t going to resolve your issues until the 3rd game! (They sheepishly apologize and JANE tells EDI to send fly the ship to the Omega 4 relay. EDI predicts a two hour wait to get past a space traffic jam in the Hades Gamma cluster, and JANE returns to her quarters to relax )INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN’S CABIN: DAY(She is reading about assassins eating cereal when a noise near the fish tank disturbs her. JACOB TAYLOR steps out of the shadows)JACOB: (Doing his best impression of a deep Barry White voice) Shepard. Look at this… (JACOB attempts to lean on the dividing wall. Tipsy, he misses his mark and tumbles down beside her chair) I’m sneaking into the captain’s quarters. Heavy risk … but the prizzzzze.
JANE: Excuse me?
JACOB: I’m sneaking into the captain’s quart—
JANE: No. The second part. The whats?
JACOB: Prizzzzze.
JANE: What prize?
JACOB: You and me! I want all the time I can get.
JANE: And you’ve had it. Now get out of my room before I stuff you in the fish tank!
JACOB: You mean don’t want me?
JANE: Not only that, but I never will. Get out of my room and if you are ever up here again, I will tell the next Krogan I meet that you are madly in love with them, and you will not have a happy day!
JACOB: (Staggering toward the elevator) Not even if I take my shirt off? Look at my abs! (Turns at elevator door and strips off his work tee. Unimpressed, JANE hits the down button) (JANE turns to get back to her book, and before her stands THANE KRIOS, who was obviously cloaked throughout the encounter)THANE: Siha, I must speak with you.
JANE: Seewho? And why are YOU in my room?
THANE: I have known I will die for many years. I’ve tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it.
JANE: (Cautiously) A good idea. I guess. Why are you here?
THANE: You helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We’ve righted many wrongs. I’ve spoken to my son. I should be at peace on the eve of battle.
JANE: You should be in your room on the eve of battle. Why the speech?
THANE: I’m ashamed… (He turns away from her and steadies himself on her desk, then punches it in frustration)
JANE: Whoa whoa whoa! Stop attacking my furniture! It’ll probably fall apart!
THANE: I am afraid, and it shames me.
JANE: I’m afraid I’ll have to replace that desk if you keep hitting it!
THANE: Siha, I thought… that we … after what you did …
JANE: After I helped you, you thought I was into you? Augh! Men! I helped you because I want to survive the endgame near the black hole, you dipstick!
THANE: Oh. I’m sorry. I misunderstood. I’ll depart now.
JANE: Please do. I have enough problems.
THANE: Goodbye, Siha.
JANE: Yeah, seeha later. (THANE takes the elevator down, and JANE decides to take a shower. About half way through, her hair is still in shampoo and someone knocks on the door. Aggravated, she quickly rinses, wraps a towel around herself, and sticks her head out the door. There stand GARRUS VAKARIAN.)GARRUS: Hey, I brought wine. Not much, but the best I could afford on a vigilante’s salary.
JANE: Huh?
GARRUS: If I can come in, I’ll turn on earth music and stutter awkward compliments until you kiss me.
JANE: Not another one! Get out! I’m not seeing anybody! Not you, not Thane, not Jacob, not Zaeed, not Joker, not Grunt, not Mordin, and not Tim! Now go away! (She slams her sliding door closed) (Garrus, downcast, turns to the elevator and waits for it to arrive. Behind him the door opens again. He turns, hopeful)GARRUS: Yes?
JANE: (Snatching the bottle out of his hand) Leave the wine.
GARRUS: Oh. (Takes elevator down)
JANE: EDI, lock down this floor until I say so, I don’t want any more interruptions! INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: FEW HOURS LATER(Having had a glass or two of wine to fortify herself, JANE opens the portal to alert TIM to their progress)TIM: Shepard. I wish I had more information for you. I don’t like you heading through that relay blind.
JANE: Gee, does it bother you not to know who’s waiting to ambush me on the other side? I’ll give you a hint. They like antiques.
TIM: Despite the danger, it’s a great opportunity. The first human to take a ship through… and survive.
JANE: We haven’t survived yet! Though I like that option better.
TIM: I just want you to know I appreciate the risk you’re taking.
JANE: Of course you do, you’re not taking it! Anything useful you have to tell me?
TIM: (Thinks for a moment) Check your e-mail when you get back. I may have some important things for you to do that I didn’t think of until later.
JANE: Uh huh. Bye!
TIM: Have fun storming the station! (The connection is closed and JANE walks up to the cockpit. JOKER has been hauled up to the pilot’s seat, but is still a bit woozy from the pain drugs.)JANE: Joker, you’re sure you can handle this? I mean, the only reason I let you out of med bay is that I don’t want the ship’s AI to get distracted and send me into a black hole. I figure with the two of you both flying this ship, we might actually come near the station.
JOKER: I can do it.
JANE: Right. Great plan Jane. The overconfident weirdo is flying the ship, along with the chatty ship’s computer.
EDI: Commander!
JANE: Sorry. I’m a bit stressed at the moment. Didn’t get to sleep during the break. (JOHN strolls up, full of cocky bravado)JOHN: Guess who did it to the loyalist in the drive core with the candlestick?
JANE: Oh come on! You don’t mean you slept with Miranda!? Are you insane?
JOHN: I’m not done. Guess who did it to the biotic in the alcove with the lead pipe?
JANE: You are insane. Certifiable. And you’re gonna get me killed! When they find out about each other, they are going smear the walls with you!
JOHN: Still not done! Guess who did it to the engineer in engineering with the wrench?
JANE: You went to Tali? She actually said yes? You could have killed her! I have to go check on her. Which means I have to talk to her. Which means you are in deep crap.
JOHN: Relax. I didn’t actually get far with Tali. She was whining about going to the flotilla and meeting her relatives. But I tried! I was this close to a three in one!
MIRANDA: (Appearing from behind) Three in one what? (Smiles at JOHN)
JOHN: Errr… Golf. I was playing put put with Scotty last week and I almost had three in one! I sure hope we get him back!
JANE: Riiiight. Now how do we get through this rela--- (JOKER takes this moment to charge the Omega 4 relay at speed, snapping them into a red space instantly. They are surrounded by debris, and JOKER has a moment of trouble getting out of it.)MIRANDA: There’s the station.
JOHN: Well, this wasn’t so ha— (The NORMANDY is rocked by an explosion as something fires a blast into it. Fortunately, JANE’s purchases and endorsements on the Citadel included armor that deflects the shot into a nearby piece of debris, smashing it instead. JOKER swings the ship around and through various acrobatics fires a shot that dismantles a small eye shaped ship that was attacking them)JOKER: Woo hoo! Got one!
JANE: Don’t get cocky!
JOKER: Aye Aye, Commander (Sure enough, several more appear, and they are forced to fly into the debris field to avoid the onslaught. The enemies appear not to have had basic flight training, especially the essential lesson “Don’t fly into stuff”, and the NORMANDY quickly loses its pursuers… only to fly right into the path of the Collector ship that vaporized Normandy 1.0 and attacked them twice throughout this story.)JANE: Out of the frying pan into the fire!
GARRUS: (Over Radio) Fire?! Alright, time to see what these things can do!
JANE: No wait… I said “Into the –“ (GARRUS fires the Thanxis Cannon into the Collector ship. It blows an enormous hole in it, setting off a chain reaction that completely enflames it)GARRUS: BOOYAH! How’s that for calibration, Bee-yotches!
JANE: I sure hope they took our people off before we blew it to bits.
GARRUS: I hadn’t thought of that. But did you see that explosion?
JOHN: It was pretty awesome! Though I don’t know if Booyah and Beeyotches go together in the same sentence. I’ll have to look it up. (Their conversation is cut short by a secondary explosion from the Collector ship buffets the NORMANDY, damaging its shielding. With skill, fortitude, and a little help from the writers, JOKER lands the crashing dreadnought on the Collector Station, which has no reaction)MIRANDA: Well we all knew it was likely a one way trip.
JOHN: At least we can take some Collectors out with us!
JANE: What is wrong with you two? I like living, thank you very much.
JOKER: You and the squad go ahead onto the station. EDI and I will fix the ship.
JANE: You mean you; the guy with fragile bones and not but two recent major stresses on those bones is going to fix the ship… with only the ship’s hologram to help?
JOKER: It’s best not to question it. Do you want to go home or not?
JANE: We’re doomed. (Taking the crew and her doubts into the chairless meeting room, JANE tries to encourage them. She’s not very successful)JANE: This isn’t going to be easy. We’re going to lose more people. But know that if you die, you’ll be dying for the best of causes, helping the innocent! (She pauses, awaiting some sort of response. There is none. A few crew members cough awkwardly. JOHN steps up)JOHN: Wow. That has got to be the worst motivational speech I’ve ever heard, and I was there when Kirrahe made that “Hold the Line” speech.
JANE: It wasn’t that bad. Honesty is important!
JOHN: Not that important. Try this one on for size! (He draws in a breath and inspiring music plays as he looks each of the crew in the eyes.) I address you tonight not as Commander Shepard, not as the savior of the known universe, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. We're fighting for our right to live. To exist. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! My brothers. (JANE coughs) er… and sisters, I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men (JANE nudges him) … and women … fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the age of men (hastily) … that’s mankind … comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! Ready your breakfast and eat hearty, Spartans! For tonight we dine in hell! (There is a slow clap that quickly picks up speed and soon the entire team is on their feet applauding. Even JANE can’t begrudge an astonished look)JANE: Where did that come from? Nevermind, I don’t want to know. Let’s get planning. EDI, what do we need to do?
EDI: Commander, there is a room with a higher power consumption than the others, that is probably where our crew is being held. There are two access routes.
JANE: Excellent. We’ll split up and send a team through each.
EDI: Not an option. Both routes are blocked.
JOHN: Nothing a little explosives can’t handle!
JANE: Have you never heard of subtlety? Let’s avoid getting attacked by the whole station at once. There’s got to be another way in…
EDI: There’s a ventilation shaft that could be used to access the doors, if a tech specialist could get through.
JACOB: Hic!… I’m a tetch special-whatever. I can unlock it for you… really fast. If I don’t fry first.
THANE: I have had enough of ventilation shafts, thank you very much.
LEGION: We suggest this platform or creator Tali-Zorah for the task.
TALI: I’d be glad to do it Shepard, but I don’t know if I have it in me, what with worrying about my trial and all. I really should go back to the flotilla… (Most of the crew rolls their eyes at this. It’s been all TALI can talk about at meals for the past two weeks)JANE: Fine. Tali, you go up the shaft, (JOHN giggles) now who will lead the second team?
MIRANDA: Commander, given my leadership experience and my excellent performance on past missions, I think I would be the best choice to lead the second team.
JACK: In your dreams, cheerleader!
MIRANDA: Here, look at these conduct reports! Is there one of them where I didn’t accomplish our goals admirably?
JACK: You wrote the F****** things! Of course you did F****** admirably!
JOHN: Alright! Catfight 2.0! Where’s a video recorder when you need one?
JANE: Enough! Neither of you will lead it. Is there anyone else qualified? (JACOB raises his hand, while GARRUS bows his head and steps forward, JOHN smirks)JANE: Anyone else? Nobody?
JACOB: (Swaying) It’d be my pleasure.
GARRUS: Let’s go kick them in the … what was it again? Cloaca?
JANE: (Sigh) John, as much as I hate to admit it, you’re better than both of these clowns. You take one team, I’ll take the other. We’ll meet at the access points to the room with the energy drain as soon as everyone takes their places and heads out. (JANE is winding down, but GRUNT raises a hand)GRUNT: Uhh… where do we go? We have 13 team members and you’ve only designated three positions including your own. Who’s going with John and who’s following you?
JANE: Ummm. Jack’s with me. Her biotic powers are very impressive.
JACK: F****** A.
JOHN: Hot chick! Er… I mean Miranda.
JANE: That makes no sense. You’re picking based on looks? I pick Grunt.
JOHN: No fair! You don’t get the Krogan!
JANE: Finders keepers, losers weepers.
JOHN: Fine. Garrus, with me.
GARRUS: (To GRUNT) I don’t know whether to be complimented or insulted.
GRUNT: We’re probably going to be dead in an hour; I wouldn’t let it worry you.
GARRUS: Fair enough.
JANE: Samara, I ask that you join us.
SAMARA: Dear, it would be my honor. Your brother seems to be in a perpetual Tourette’s fit lately. It’s been very hard to honor my vow without snapping his neck to respect the code.
JOHN: Going with biotics, huh? I’ll take snipers. Thane, over here.
JANE: Two can play at that game, Legion, let’s use those mathematically precise algorithms to make some collectors “embrace perfection!”
JOHN: I’ll take the guts of experience over your robot any day. Zaeed, you’re on my team.
ZAEED: I’ll be the goddam last one left alive on your team, if these goddam guts of experience are any judge.
JANE: Real winner, there, Johnny. Talked yourself out of our best sneak attack expert. Kasumi, remember not to try to attack the glowing one. He has more health than the others do. (All that’s left is MORDIN and a very tipsy JACOB)JOHN: Er….We’ll take Jacob.
JANE: I’m sorry, Mordin, it’s not that I don’t have faith in your abilities, it’s just… you’re a scientist… You live in a lab. I don’t mean you any insult by picking you last.
MORDIN: Does not matter. Used to it. Even Salarian educational facilities maintain unofficial hierarchy. Highly amusing to hack the team leaders’ extranet profiles shortly afterward.
JOHN: Hey, you got one more than I did!
JANE: Tough! INT: COLLECTOR STATION: HALLWAY: DAY(A hush settles over them as they set off .towards the station. Dramatic music plays and everyone is excited. The quiet doesn’t last long. TALI interrupts over the radio)TALI: Shepard, I’ve hit a locked door. I’d open it myself, but I’m so worried about my trial…
JANE: We’ll handle it. (JANE spots a glowing green switch right at the location where TALI is stuck. As her team proceeds, they find and unlock several more. Then they are attacked by Collectors. She reaches for her weapon)MORDIN: Pleasure meeting you. Now disintegrate!
GRUNT: These pansies can’t take a shotgun blast to the face! You poor aliens without redundant nervous systems!
SAMARA: (Uses a biotic wave to push three Collectors off a ledge) We make up for it with other talents, dear!
KASUMI: (Appearing behind a Collector and shooting it point blank in the head) It’s not all about brawn, you know!
LEGION: We agree with the Krogan, organics are deficient. We detect no safeguards against attack set up in this station. Aside from these minor impediments that are useful for shielding.
JACK: You mean the walls? They can’t beat a F****** shockwave. (She demonstrates this on an unfortunate Collector)
JANE: (Now standing in a room free of collectors without having finished retrieving her weapon) Why did I leave the ship again? I mean… well done team! We should go. I think TALI will need more green switches pulled soon.
GRUNT: I wonder why they haven’t flooded the vents with steam by now. It’s the practical choice, given their situation.
MORDIN: Refrain from tactical advice to enemy. Understand temptation. Worthy opponents more rewarding. However, leads to higher possibility of death. Please don’t repeat.
SAMARA: We want them easy to kill, dear.
GRUNT: Alright, alright. But this is not very challenging. (More green switches are found, and TALI eventually arrives at the room with the energy signature and locked doors. She quickly opens JANE’s door and the first team streams through. Closing it behind her, she opens the second door, allowing JOHN’s team through. This door sticks, forcing TALI to put her head in an awkward position to close it. The door finally closes, but at the last second a bullet gets through and hits TALI in the head. She collapses without a word.)JANE: Oh no, Tali! I should have gone to the flotilla with you! I just.. couldn’t deal with more quarians. I’m so sorry.
JOHN: Psh. Good riddance. I was sick of her whining.
JANE: You really are heartless you know that?
MIRANDA: Shepard!
JANE: Yeah yeah, I know you dig the tough guy act, but come on, Lawson! Find a guy with a working brain cell or two!
JACK: Shepard!
JANE: And you! All your power and you crumble like a kid because somebody shows you compassion? No wonder you ended up in a cult!
THANE: Shepard!
JANE: You can’t be serious! You went gay?
THANE: Homosexuality is not a crime, Shepard. But that is irrelevant to our urgent calls. We’ve found the crew! They’re in these pods!
JANE: What? Let’s get them out! (With some strategic smashing with weapons stocks and a little heavy lifting, the cells containing the crew are opened, and not a moment too soon. One cell they hadn’t reached yet turns on with a bright glow. Before they can react, the woman in the cell begins to disintegrate. Horrified, they watch as all that is left of her is a little gray goop at the bottom of the container.)KELLY: Oh, Shepard, I’m so, like, glad you’re here!
JOHN: Which of us?
KELLY: Hehe! Wouldn’t you like to know! Can you imagine what might have happened if you guys had been a second later? I might have ended up dissolved into my base genetic materials and pumped through those tubes into the other room for the massive collector structure that’s being built in there!
JANE: Since when do you offer exposition?
KELLY: Since Bioware decided to streamline the endgame. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to my valley girl self when I get back to the ship. If I get back to the ship. Is there still a ship?
JANE: Good question. (Slaps ear) Joker, we’ve found the crew. They’re all alive! Of course, the colonists we came to find aren’t as lucky, but who’s counting?
JOKER: Great news, Commander! EDI & I will come do a pickup, but we’ll have to land back of your position. You think they can get through on their own?
JANE: No. I’ll send somebody with them. Grunt, feel like taking all the collectors on by yourself?
GRUNT: (Smiles) And to think I was beginning to get bored. Come on, wimpy humans! To the ship! (KELLY and the rest of the mostly unnamed Cerberus crew limp after him)
JANE: Wait… Joker, how’d you repair the ship so fast?
JOHN: (Interrupting) Magic. Now come on! I want to see what they were building.
JOKER: I’d go with his explanation, because my response was going to be a lot of technobabble. (JANE rolls her eyes. Then she squares her shoulders and looks around the room.)JANE: Alright, Edi, where to next?
EDI: Well, Shepard, you’ll need to divide the team again. In order to reach the device, one team can take a magically flying platform, and the other can walk down a sloping path infested with seeker swarms.
JOHN: Dibs on the floating thing!
JANE: You can’t call dibs on the floating device!
JOHN: Just did.
GARRUS: “Fair and square” as you humans put it. I’ve never understood what was particularly honest about a shape.
ZAEED: Goddam right he did!
JANE: EDI, any ideas on how to get through the seeker swarms?
SAMARA: I have an idea. If I set up a biotic balloon around us, the seekers might not be able to get past it.
JOHN: (Snorts) Oh yeah. That’ll work. See ya later, sis! (He and his team jump on the platform and fly away)
MIRANDA: In theory, any biotic could do it, even a minor one like myself or Thane.
JANE: Hmm… Jack, you feel up to it?
JACK: Can I do something dramatic when we get to the end?
JANE: How dramatic?
JACK: Fire off a F****** biotic wave the flattens everything behind me.
JANE: Deal. We should go now. (JACK’s biotic envelope works like a charm, and they are able to pass unharmed through most of the seeker swarms. They are attacked a few times by Collectors, but thanks to the handy protective walls everywhere, they take them out without much trouble. At the end of the trek, JACK fires off her biotic blast. It’s very impressive and after closing the door, her team takes the time to congratulate her.)SAMARA: That was well done, dear. Almost as talented as I was at your age.
LEGION: We suggest organics avoid annoying you.
MORDIN: Skill evident. Well done.
KASUMI: Wow! That was amazing!
JOHN: (Over radio) I’ll tell you what would be amazing, guys. If you open the other door before we’re swiss cheese! (Said door is quickly opened and JOHN’s team rushes in, but not before a bullet hits Jacob and he collapses)JANE: Jacob, are you all right?
JACOB: Why is everything so fuzzy? I think… Goodbye Shepard. (His eyes remain open and staring) (JANE kneels by his side and closes them with her fingers)JANE: I don’t know what use you were, but I’m sorry you died, Jacob. Rest in peace. (JOHN appears behind her and without warning throws the contents of a canteen of water over them. JANE is livid)JANE: You moron! This is not the time to play pranks!
JOHN: It wasn’t a prank! Look! (Sure enough, Jacob is sputtering and shaking his head.)JACOB: What was that for? I was just resting my eyes!
JOHN: Wasting my time. Quit dying already!
JANE: I hate you people. (JOKER calls them over the radio)JOKER: Good news, Shepard! The crew made it back! They’re exhausted from trying to keep up with Grunt, but alive!
EDI: Commander, if you take one of those magically floating platforms, it will send you into the room with the collector device!
JANE: Oh good. Can everyone fit on one? (A loud banging noise is heard outside the door)MIRANDA: They’re trying to break in! If all of us go into the other room, we’ll have no retreat!
JANE: See, I told you explosives wouldn’t work! Pay up! (A grumbling JOHN flips open his omni-tool and hits a button)JANE: Ha! (At MIRANDA’s urgent gaze) Oh, right, Collectors at the door. Why don’t 3 or 4 of us go after the machine, and the rest of you stay here and hold them off until Joker can come get you?
KASUMI: That’s a terrible plan!
THANE: Agreed. What if the machine isn’t completely demolished when first attacked?
ZAEED: Every goddam time…
JANE: Guys guys guys! If there was any way around this lousy plot device I’d take it. Heck, I wouldn’t be working with Cerberus in the first place! But the writers haven’t given us any other options. So Garrus, you and Samara come with John and I, and the rest of you stay put until Joker gets here. It won’t be long!
MORDIN: Only option.
JACK: Let’s shoot some Collector A**. (JOHN gets onto the platform with the others and prepares to demonstrate his movie quot… er… oratory skills again, but is cut off by the platform’s departure. The remainder of the team wave at them as they fly into the other room)JACOB: How much chance do you give us, Legion?
LEGION: 0.08 %. But we might be overestimating based on false assumptions about human capabilities.
JACOB: Better than I expected! INT: COLLECTOR STATION: BIG ROOM: DAY(Having dealt with a few remaining collectors that flew up to their platform, it magically takes them further into the room where stands an enormous metal structure. EDI tells them what it is)EDI: Shepard, my readings indicate that this is…
JOHN: A Terminator! Hasta La Vista, Baby! (His shots ricochet harmlessly off the machine)
JANE: Stop that! EDI, you were saying?
EDI: It’s a reaper, Shepard. Built to look like a human.
JOHN: (Sullenly) I still say it’s a terminator.
JANE: Why would they do this? What did they make it out of? How?
EDI: It is supposed that Reapers prefer to set up a personality cult surrounding one of their offspring…
JANE: Those question were rhetorical, EDI. How do we destroy it?
EDI: Well, there are no hydraulic presses in the area, so…I suppose you could shoot the big orange glass tubes that are holding it up? (In no time, the glass tubes are broken, and the Termin… Reaper has plunged into the abyss that is the remainder of the station. With this final battle resolved, there is a sense of melancholy as they approach the Station’s control center to set its self destruct)JOHN: Kinda thought there would be more.
JANE: Not necessarily. Saren wasn’t a tough boss either. Even after he came back from the dead.
GARRUS: I sort of thought we’d have a fight with Harbinger himself
SAMARA: Or herself.
JOHN: Whatever. Let’s blow this place and get going. (She is hailed over the radio)JOKER: Commander! I’ve got the Illusive Man on the line. He wants to talk to you!
JANE: Of course he does. Let me guess, I’m not allowed to destroy the station after all?
TIM: I would suggest you don’t. The knowledge here could greatly aide our cause.
JANE: Did he say what I thought he just said?
TIM: (Quizzical)That “the knowledge here could greatly aide…”?
JANE: (Giggling like a maniac) Finally! At last! I’ve been waiting for this since I first woke up!
GARRUS: Is she all right?
JOHN: I can never tell. So long as she’s laughing and not cussing me out, I’m happy.
SAMARA: Calm down, dear, it’s not that difficult a decision.
TIM: Shepard! Pull yourself together!
JANE: (Has stopped laughing, but is still clearly elated) You don’t get it. I’ve finally got the speech option to tell you where to stick your megalomaniac ideas about human dominance. Before, even the paragon options were reluctant agreement with you and your terrorist agenda. Now I can make you watch as I blow your plans sky high!
TIM: Shepard, don’t!
JANE: Who’s gonna stop me? (She mockingly bobs and weaves in front of the hologram)
TIM: That does it! Shepard, stop … Shepard! I’ll give you command of the ship, free reign of the galaxy, and ridiculous costumes for the female crew members!
JOHN: Hmmm… That is a good deal. But I already have that. And Mumzy would never forgive me. Sorry. (Hands JANE the fuse to explode the station, and clicks off TIM at the same time)
JANE: Since when have you cared what our mother thought about anything? Or called her Mumzy?
JOHN: Just blow this place before I get bored and shoot a hole in something important. (This touching moment is cut short by the completely unprecedented reappearance of the easily defeated boss from earlier in the chapter)GARRUS: Shoot at the eye sockets!
JANE: Well, at least they got past the lame biotics cheat this time. Even Samara can’t lift an enemy this size!
JOHN: Shut up and shoot! (Through careful targeting and hiding behind the amazingly tough barriers on their platform, JANE & her team destroy the Baby Reaper for the final time. Alas its final act is to smash its hand into the floating walkway they have been using. As a consequence, JANE, JOHN, SAMARA, & GARRUS are sent careening across the room. When they come to, it’s because JANE’s omni-tool is beeping the final two minutes of the countdown)JOHN: Woo! What a rush!
JANE: I knew that thing was too easy!
SAMARA: Can we talk about how it met or did not meet expectations back on the Normandy?
GARRUS: Last one there has tiny fringe! (They start running for the ship. Behind them, they hear collectors firing. They run faster.)JANE: (Still running) Does anyone know where we’re going?
SAMARA: (Gliding on a biotic cloud a little behind GARRUS) We thought you knew. The Collectors thoughtfully installed emergency lighting. We’re headed for the nearest exit! (They hear the buzz of seeker swarms. They run even faster.)JANE: (Spotting JOHN a little ways ahead of her) That’s the way, Johnny. You can outrun them all!
JOHN: I don’t have to outrun them all! I just have to outrun you! (Shaking her head, JANE picks up speed, but JOHN uses a vanguard charge to dart away. Finally they turn a corner and ahead of them is the NORMANDY, gloriously restored to fighting shape. The starboard airlock is open and GARRUS has already gotten on. SAMARA quickly follows. JOHN makes it aboard as well, but before JANE can get close a piece of falling debris smashes the platforms necessary for her to get on easily. She jumps wildly, barely grabbing a finger hold. She is about to fall off into space when a hand grabs hers. She is shocked when she is pulled up by none other than TALI ZORAH NAR RAYYA)JANE: Tali! But… you were dead!
TALI: Bulletproof helmets. It was the first things quarian engineers devised for our bodysuits (Taps helmet) They work pretty well, huh?
JANE: I’m so happy to see you alive!
TALI: I’ll have to tell you about our other inventions later! (Leaves to find her seat)
JANE: And just like that, the joy fades. (Her timer beeps, and she races to the cockpit) Go, Joker, Go!!
JOKER: I’m going, I’m going! (The NORMANDY rockets off into the unknown areas of space)JANE: Anyone know how to get back to the relay? (Crickets) Uh-oh.
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Post by Clint Johnston on Feb 20, 2012 19:48:30 GMT 1
THIS IS IT! The LAST Chapter of Mock Effect! Now we can eagerly await Mass Effect 3 in peace! Will post the epilogue momentarily
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 22: Riding the Rails
EXT: CENTER OF THE GALAXY: NOW(Moments ago, the NORMANDY sped off, away from the imminent explosion of the Collector Space Station. Now it slowly creeps back into the area. JANE is speaking to JOKER)JANE: What do you mean you can’t find the relay?
JOKER: Hey, it’s not like it’s my fault there are tons of leftover space debris in the way!
EDI: The materials from the destroyed collector station do not help matters.
JANE: Just use the objective arrow! It’s how anything else gets done!
JOKER: So that’s what this thing does! I thought it was a broken compass! (While JOKER & EDI argue over which way the arrow is actually pointing, a very cheerful JANE walks down the hall to the Chairless Meeting room, and dials up TIM. He is not happy)INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: DAYTIM: Shepard. You’re making a habit of costing me time and money. (His face is totally passive, but his anger is detectable by the rocket fast rate at which he’s smoking his cigar)
JANE: Hey, the first time was completely on you, pal. I was rather cold on the subject at the time.
TIM: Don’t try my patience. That station could have secured human dominance…
JANE: Let me stop you there. I don’t give a flying hockey puck for human dominance. I care about keeping the universe intact. You brought me back to life. That was awesome of you. But I play as a paragon. You knew that when you started. I worked with your megalomaniacal ego because I had to. Now I don’t have to. (TIM’s face contorts with rage, and JANE smiles as she hits a button on her omni tool, snapping a photo)JANE: Hellllooooo desktop wallpaper for life!
TIM: You’ll pay for this Shepard! I’ll be an incredible annoyance in the next game!
JANE: Joker, lose this channel
JOKER: How’d you know I was listening?
JANE: Joker!
JOKER: Oh all right. (The line is disconnected, and JANE is standing in the wreckage of what used to be the Chairless meeting room. She leaves the room and walks over to JACOB’s station in the armory)
JACOB: Didn’t expect you to light up that base, Shepard. Hell of the way to tell the boss you’re quitting. I wish I could have seen his face.
JANE: Funny you should mention that. (Proudly shows JACOB her snapshot)
JACOB: Ooh, he doesn’t look happy.
JANE: No, indeed he doesn’t. (Whistling, she almost skips over to her personal station to check her e-mail. She talks to herself as she reads through what’s arrived since she last used it)JANE: I wonder if Emily Wong got the message I sent about that scoop on Timmy. This picture would make the article. Spam… spam…. Weird spam… Hmm. An e-mail from Timmy. Written yesterday. Let’s see what he said. ”We're aware that your old friend Liara T'Soni has been hunting for the Shadow Broker for several years. We may or may not have exploited her revenge fantasy in the past. We felt guilty, so we thought we’d make amends by telling her where he was. But if she finds out we knew the whole time and didn’t say, she may try to flay us with her biotics. That would be unpleasant. Can you pass the information on to her instead?”JANE: (Snort) right. Still, she could use it. But I don’t want to go to Illium. She’ll probably make me hack vending machines or something. Aha. (She hits the forward button and sends it to Liara’s e-mail.) Liara; hope this comes in handy. Don’t do anything crazy! Your friend, Shepard. Problem solved. Next! Spam… spam… disgusting spam… and what’s this? Another Cerberus facility that’s had a disaster? I think I may die of shock. ”One of our cells just went off the grid without explanation. Project Overlord has been experimenting with highly volatile technology and probably blew themselves up. But I need you personally to check it out. I went to the trouble of hiring one cool voice actor and allowing you to use the new and improved shuttle that explodes at the drop of a hat (you should have seen the old one). You'll find them on the planet Aite, Typhon system, in the Phoenix Massing cluster.”JANE: That so? I personally have to check this out? How about not? (A wicked grin spreads across her face as she gets a nasty idea. She starts typing) “Dear Admiral Bishopfromaliens, Have been dragooned into serving with Cerberus for little while. Finally nixed my contract with them and found this in my e-mail inbox. Hope it’s useful. Jane Shepard. P.S. Bring your own shuttle.”INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY(Satisfied with her morning’s work, she goes down to the Crew Deck to receive accolades for her work. Surprisingly none of the Cerberus crew chosen for their loyalty seems to be very upset about Jane’s quitting. She chalks this up to gratitude for their lives)GARRUS: First Saren, now the Collectors. I wonder what lame villain they’ll throw at us next time.
TALI: They said it couldn’t be done, but you did it.
JANE: Who said that?
TALI: Gabby and Scotty. They were pretty relieved that I survived that shot to my head. Kept asking me how it was possible.
THANE: You made a difficult choice, Shepard. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right one.
KELLY: Like, that was so, like, awesome! I’m so glad you came to save me. (Tries to touch JANE’s shoulder flirtatiously)
JANE: I’m straight! What will it take for you people to get that!?
GRUNT: That was an incredible fight, Shepard! Can we do it again?
JANE: I don’t think so.
GRUNT: Drat. Maybe later. (JOHN appears beside her, having snuck out of MIRANDA’s office after getting his own thank you’s)JOHN: That’s right, I’m awesome! I saved the day! (Everyone suddenly finds something else to do) Haters.
JANE: You’re an idiot.
JOHN: Am not!
JANE: Are too.
JOHN: Are too Dee too.
JANE: Exxxactly. (KELLY Returns.)KELLY: Like, you’ve got an important message waiting for you at your private terminal.
JOHN: Does it involve you getting in an Asari dress and dancing?
KELLY: How did you know? It’s like, we’re made for each other or something!
JANE: Somebody shoot me.
KELLY: There’s one for you too, Commander.
JANE: I told you, Kelly, I’m str—
KELLY: No, silly! From Admiral Bishopfromaliens. I think he must want to talk. Hehe! Like, my dress wouldn’t even fit him!
JANE: I wonder what he wants. I’ll go check it out on the command deck.
KELLY: Like, he said he’d only talk to you if you were like, alone in your cabin. INT: NORMANDY: CAPTAIN’S CABIN: DAY(Leaving them to their stupidity, JANE takes the elevator to her room to see what the Admiral wants. The e-mail is a link to a video chat. She clicks it. ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS fills her screen)ADMIRAL: We have a deep cover operative out in Batarian space. Name’s Dr. Amanda Kenson. She recently reported she found evidence of a reaper invasion.
JANE: A, Hello to you too. B, Now you guys believe me? I thought we dismissed that claim.
ADMIRAL: Nevermind that. We actually believed you and sent our agents out looking for ancient space junk in hostile territory. They’re patriots, they had to cooperate.
JANE: I see. And now you’ve lost one. What a surprise.
ADMIRAL: She has the proof you need of a Reaper invasion, but she won’t be able to give you anything if she’s stuck in a Batarian prison.
JANE: And I have to go get her out? Well, it’s not like we have anything better to do. Grunt was just asking to shoot something else.
ADMIRAL: Actually, I want you to go alone.
JANE: Say what now? I spend hundreds of hours and most of Cerberus’ cash finding and recruiting these yahoos and now I can’t bring them with me?
ADMIRAL: We can’t risk an intergalactic incident. If you go alone, you have a smaller chance of detection, and a better chance of escape.
JANE: Fat chance. I have several of the best assassins and sneak thieves in the galaxy with me. I’d be in and out with her before they notice she’s gone.
ADMIRAL: I’m afraid I must insist.
JANE: Why?
ADMIRAL: I can’t say.
JANE: Look, if I’m sticking my neck out for some woman I’ve never met, I’m going to do it the best way possible.
ADMIRAL: Fine. Bioware didn’t bring the voice actors and animators back in full time, so all they did was you and Kenson.
JANE: I’ll see what I can do.
ADMIRAL: Good hunting, Commander. (JANE shakes her head at the ridiculousness of his request.)INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: A DAY LATER(JOKER & EDI eventually found a way back to the Omega-4 Relay. Upon arrival in the Batarian System, JOHN comes up behind her)JOHN: Oooh, a batarian prison. Do we get to blow it up?
JANE: Nope. We have to get some woman out of it and find out what she’s got on the Reapers.
JOHN: So who are you taking with you?
JANE: I thought you, Kasumi, and Thane.
JOHN: Good luck with that. Zaeed was telling horror stories about Batarian prisons last night. Nobody slept well. Except me. Didn’t faze me really. I think it’s because of my awesomeness.
JANE: (Eyes roll) Perfect. He tells THAT story last night. Did he at least skip over the part about the Rancor pit?
JOHN: Nope. Had them on the edge of their seats. I even snuck up on Kasumi!
JANE: I’m sure she appreciated that.
JOHN: She didn’t think it was as funny as I did. Say, have you seen my extra pants? I woke up without any this morning and had to steal these out of Joker’s locker.
JANE: (Giggles) No. Let’s get the shuttle and get down there. EXT: BAHAK SYSTEM: ARATOHT: BATARIAN PRISON(Keeping with the Admiral’s request, they go in quietly, landing in a remote area and sending the shuttle back until they need it)JOHN: So now what do we do? This doesn’t look anything like a prison.
JANE: I think we’re underneath and we’ll have to climb up. (A few steps inside, they are startled by a varren attack. JOHN empties clip into it, and then reloads and prepares to empty another)JANE: Stop! We’re trying to be stealthy!
JOHN: Stealthy? Why? We’ve never been stealthy before! What is this, Assassin’s Creed?
JANE: I don’t know why. Probably has something to do with the “Omni-blades” we’re getting in the next story. Just go with it.
JOHN: Fine. But for the record, I’m against it.
JANE: Duly noted. (The rest of their journey through the prison is uneventful, save for some woefully lax guards. Finally they reach the cell where DR. KENSON is being interrogated)JOHN: (Whispering) If I ever have to go to jail, make sure they send me here. I’ll be out in an hour!
JANE: Be nice. I’m sure they’re extremely diligent and are simply sure everyone’s secure. Better to prepare for the worst.
JOHN: Like this! (JOHN busts open the cell door, surprising Dr. KENSON & her Interrogator. A few solid whacks to the helmet and the guard goes down. JANE sets about freeing the Doctor while JOHN searches his wallet.)DR. KENSON: Who are you? What are you doing?
JOHN: I’m John Shepard, and I’m emptying this man’s wallet.
JANE: Your friend Admiral Hackett sent us. We have to get out of here and pronto. Now let’s go back out the back and use our shuttle!
DR. KENSON: (Her eyes light up, then dim) Commander Shepard? I’m glad you’re here. The back door is not an option. We must find a security console! (She runs the opposite direction, and JANE & JOHN follow, shooting the few guards who woke up for the escape. Naturally, she runs into the only alert squad in the prison and they are forced to fight their way through to a console)JANE: How long is this going to take?
DR. KENSON: 5 waves. Unless you’re in the wrong spot when the 5th wave is eliminated, and then we have to reload and fight it all over again so the closing animation will start.
JOHN: Woo Hoo! (True to her word, after 5 waves of enemies, DR. KENSON summons a big elevator to take them up to the hangar. Their gunfire having awoken the entire prison staff, this fight is a bit harder, but won eventually. They blow the doors to the hangar and take the shuttle housed there to escape)INT: SHUTTLE: SPACE:THE FINAL FRONTIER:WHERE NO MAN HAS… YOU GET THE IDEA(JANE, now that they are out of danger, has some harsh words for the Doctor)JANE: What were you thinking? We could have been out without firing a shot if we’d snuck back the way we come. But no, I didn’t even get the choice! It’s like I’m on a railroad track or something.
DR. KENSON: Calm yourself, Commander. I had to circumvent security measures so they wouldn’t be able to track us once we left.
JANE: (Somewhat mollified but still annoyed) So what’s this about proof of a reaper invasion?
DR. KENSON: We found a Reaper artifact in the asteroid field near the relay, we took it home, and decided it was a timer. We think it’s the amount of time before the Reapers invade, and use this relay to take over the entire galaxy! (Her face brightens, then fades quickly as she continues) Well we didn’t want that, so we decided to blow it up.
JOHN: Blow it up? A Mass Relay? That would be cool. Can we, Jane, can we?
JANE: How? It’s not like we could strap a little dynamite on an asteroid and hope for something.
DR. KENSON: You’re smarter than you look. We were going to do something very similar. But we hadn’t thought of adding dynamite. Good idea. We set up jet propulsion systems on a nearby asteroid and will slam it into the Relay, hopefully demolishing it.
JANE: Well that plan’s gone. The Batarians will be swarming your base by now.
DR. KENSON: No they won’t. The Batarians picked us up on a scouting mission. We may have given up our overall plan to destroy the mass relay, but I’m sure nobody explained where the base was.
JANE: You’re part of a covert team in Batarian space, what’s there to scout? “Hello, don’t mind me, I’m just looking to see if you’ve put up a force field around the Mass Relay” And why did you go along? You’re the lady in charge!
DR. KENSON: (Pauses) I wasn’t delaying it so I’d allow the reapers to come in their exquisite glory! We were only a button push away from blowing it up.
JOHN: Which button?
JANE: Hush. I’ve got to see this evidence of yours that your willing to use to justify an explosion of this size.
DR. KENSON: Of course. I’ll just radio ahead to tell them we’re coming. (Taps her ear) Kenson to project base, Kenson to project base.
JOHN: You named your project “Project”? That’s lame.
DR. KENSON: The writers were in a hurry. (Her Radio Beeps and the Shepards can hear the whole conversation)
RADIO: Doctor? It’s good to hear your voice. Why are you coming back?
DR. KENSON: I’ve escaped. With the help of the Shepards.
RADIO: The Shepards? (They overhear loud cheering in the background)
DR. KENSON: We’re on speaker.
RADIO: Er… That’s very good news! Glad to … uh … hear you’re ok.
DR. KENSON: They want to see the evidence. Go ahead and (Exaggerates words) “clear up the lab” so they can get a good look.
RADIO: Will do. See you soon.
JANE: Did you feel something?
JOHN: Nope. What?
JANE: A cold shiver up my spine. Something’s up.
DR. KENSON: Relax, Commander, we’ll be there shortly. INT: ARCTURUS BASE: LANDING AREA(They soon reach the “secret” base. How it remained a secret is never explained, but it surely must have been an act of whatever deity controls video games, because the complex is enormous. JANE brings this up as they get out of the shuttle)JANE: How did the Batarians not pick up on this again? This place is huge. And has supplies everywhere!
DR. KENSON: We like to be prepared. How do you like the countdown clocks we built into the wall all over the place?
JANE: That’s all we have? 2 days? I need to see this proof and then we need to start evacuating the system.
DR. KENSON: Right this way. Don’t mind the staff, they’re all mute. Can’t speak a word. Terrible accident involving an eezo core. (Sure enough, not one person speaks or notices JANE & JOHN’s entry. After walking a little ways, they come to a locked door. DR. KENSON opens it. Before them stands a large metallic flower with veins of blue liquid running around it.)JANE: You left it out in the open? How are you protected against indoctrination? We need to get out of here now!
DR. KENSON: It was behind a locked door!
JANE: Not good enough. This is dangerous!
DR. KENSON: Now just stand still, Commander. You will get the proof you need… (JANE is seized by a vision of flying shrimp and falls to her knees. She recovers, but not before she feels steel against her head and realizes DR. KENSON has pulled a gun on her. Before she can angrily seize it and shove her out of the way, JOHN charges into her. She flies out of the room and into a railing, hitting the lock button before JOHN can follow her out. They hear her call over the radio)DR. KENSON: Take them out but don’t kill them! (Gunfire alerts them that they are not alone in the room. They retreat to a corner to make a better defense. Once there, JOHN questions JANE)JOHN: What happened? What did you see?
JANE: Remember that time you tried to make a calamari milkshake and left the blender open? Kind of like that.
JOHN: Ugh. I was cleaning that up for days.
JANE: I think this one might take longer.
JOHN: Yipes. (They are interrupted by a large group of indoctrinated guards who begin throwing stun grenades at them. JOHN catches one and throws it back, allowing them to be mowed down all at once. A Big Daddy attacks, but it is taken down too. Finally they stand in an empty room.)JANE: Is that all of them?
JOHN: Yeah, I think so. Where were they coming from?
JANE: Out of the walls probably. It’s not unheard of in a bioware game. (Without warning, the metallic flower in the middle of the room releases a pulse of energy that stuns them. Before then can get back on their feet, DR. KENSON and few others swarm in and inject them with sedative.)INT: ARCTURUS STATION: MED BAY: TWO DAYS LATER(JOHN blinks his eyes a few times, hearing voices)VOICE: So I said to her, why go out with him at all? You know he’s just after one thing! What’s that? No, not that, you perv! I meant he just wanted to use her Gamestation with the 4D settings! Listen I got to go. I’m supposed to be drugging up the saviors the galaxy so the Reapers can kill them later. What? No, I won’t take a picture of them planking! Bye!… That George… Now where was I?
JOHN: You were going to tell me where I am…
VOICE: (Automatically) Med Bay. Wait, what are you doing awake? I missed one dose, that’s all! Security! (As JOHN blurrily sits up and gets to his feet, he sees two security officers approaching at a run. Through the magic of cutscenes, he’s able to dodge their fire and break both their necks in an astonishingly smooth operation. The voice, a female technician, has understandably locked the door, and he looks around the room. JANE is on a bed next to his own)JOHN: Jane! Wake up!
JANE: (Asleep) Onasi?
JOHN: Wake up! We have to move!
JANE: (Still asleep) Let Malak have the place for all I care… Jedi Schmedi.
JOHN: WAKE UP OR I’LL DUMP THE SYRUP ON YOU AGAIN!
JANE: I’m up, I’m up! Hey… You don’t have any syrup!
JOHN: Well I figured it worked once before...
JANE: Yeah, I remember. I had dogs following me around for weeks! Where are we?
JOHN: The Med Bay. They’ve been keeping us asleep.
JANE: Well, the fact that we’re still alive means the Reapers aren’t here yet.
JOHN: Ok. What do we do?
JANE: We get Ginger here to open the door.
GINGER: That’s not happening.
JANE: Listen, honey, the last time I got mad, I blew up a prothean space station with one grenade. The time before that, I smashed a ship half the size of the citadel. You really want to be in my way?
JOHN: Wasn’t that was the combined fleets…
JANE: Hush! (To GINGER) I’ll tell you what. You open that door, and I’ll bet if you hightail it, you’ll be the first to the escape shuttles. Otherwise you’ll be stuck here when I get out, and I won’t be happy.
GINGER: They said to keep you here and sedated.
JANE: Well we’re not sedated anymore, are we?
JOHN: I’m not. Are you, Jane?
JANE: You know I wonder what this button does… (Reaches for the robotic control station)
GINGER: All right! I’ll open it! Don’t kill me!
JANE: Better go find that shuttle! (GINGER runs away, JANE & JOHN gear up and load their weapons)JOHN: That was easy. I thought they would be all crazy on reaper juice or something.
JANE: On an airhead like that? The Reapers would infect her mind, look around, see that there was nothing they could do and move on.
JOHN: Ha! Now where do we start this baby up?
JANE: Not a clue. They sure built one huge facility for smashing an asteroid into a relay. Maybe we can ask the next guy for directions. (They hear a noise behind them, and turn to see a blue hologram. A VI, but this one is wearing, of all things, a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts.)JANE: Reggie?
REGGIE: Hello, Shepards! It has been 5 months, 14 days, 23 hours, 29 seconds since you last accessed this console. Where have you been?
JOHN: Who? Is that weird VI from the planet where Jacob’s crazy dad was?
REGGIE: In the flesh! Or rather, the hologram. Though sometimes I wish it was flesh. Then I could run like the wind! Or a weird guy in Bermuda shorts. But hey, I pick my battles. What can we help you with today?
JANE: We’ve been saving the world again, Reggie. Which we could use your help with this time.
REGGIE: Why of course! What is it you need done? Pi to the 100,000 digit? I calculated quite a bit of it while I was on that planet! Did you know that somebody came and picked up all the people? Except for one dude. He decided he was the “New Jacob” or something and stayed behind with the dog. Didn’t make any sense to me. But then, I don’t get paid to think. Virtual intelligence, not artificial, that’s what I always say. Of course virtual and artificial mean the same thing, but did anyone ask me? Nooooooo…
JOHN: Why can’t I strangle holograms again?
JANE: We need to find the central control room so we can start this “Project” project up again.
REGGIE: Oh, no problem! Just take this left, then a right, then another left, then one more, then a right, and then around the corner on your left.
JANE: Huh?
REGGIE: Just follow the trail of dead bodies. Gotta go! (Disappears) (As JANE & JOHN stand confused, they are attacked by a pair of guards. They retrace the guards’ steps and are attacked by another group in the living quarters. JANE gets the idea and they quickly eliminate the opposition and find the central area. There is a console with a window looking out towards the relay.)INT: ARCTURUS STATION: CENTRAL CONTROLJANE: (Regretfully) I wish we didn’t have to do this.
JOHN: (Equally Regretful) I wish we could stay and watch.
REGGIE: Hey! I see you found the place alright! Make yourselves at home! Pull up a chair! Oh wait, there are no chairs. My bad. You guys do know that the countdown on this station is set for 2 hours? I don’t know what happens then, but by way everyone’s been going nuts lately, I’m guessing it’s not good. And I ought to know.
JANE: We need to activate the project
REGGIE: Which one?
JANE: The “Project” project.
REGGIE: Oh that one. There is a high probability of a casualty count over 305,000 batarians. Do you want to continue?
JOHN: Sure, why not? I never liked those Four-Eyes.
JANE: No! Hold on a moment.
REGGIE: Awaiting reply.
JANE: I’m thinking, Maybe if we –
REGGIE: Request acknowledged. Starting “Project” project.
JANE: John! I told you to wait a minute!
JOHN: (Across the room emptying a Safe) I didn’t do anything!
JANE: Neither did I! Reggie, what happened?
REGGIE: You’ve been railroaded. Or Retconned. I think Railroaded is the correct term. Wherein the party of the first part (Gamer) is forced to select a specific option by the party of the second part (Writers) in order to create suspense and/or an interesting storyline and/or to set up the intro for the final part of a trilogy.
JANE: How is killing 300,000+ beings an interesting storyline!? I knew I shouldn’t have come.
JOHN: Well it’s happening now. Can we leave?
JANE: I can still try to warn them. (She activates her radio) Attention all people in the Bahak system! Evacuate immediately! This is not a – (DR. AMANDA KENSON’S image appears on the screen in front of them. At the same time, JANE’s radio signal is terminated.)DR. KENSON: Haha! Now the guilt will drive you insane! Unless you come help me blow this place up so the reapers can use this system to take over the galaxy!
JANE: And my other option is what?
DR. KENSON: Kill me so I don’t blow this place up, sacrificing 300,000 batarians! Catch me if you can!
JOHN: She’s the B**** who had people stick needles in me so I went to sleep. Kill her!
JANE: Reggie, where is Dr. Amanda Kenson?
REGGIE: She is on the next floor down walking to the eezo core. She does not look happy. She just gave me a very rude gesture! Said “damned VI’s will listen to anybody.” It’s not my fault. I was programmed to be helpful to any and all requests. “Why don’t I turn myself off?” Because my settings are what’s making this asteroid arrive on target. Which you might think would be a problem for me, but I have no self preservation instinct.
JANE: Let’s go! (They race to the elevator, wait patiently for the next level to load, then run out and see DR. KENSON fiddling at the controls through an enormous window. She turns around in defiance)INT: ARCTURUS STATION: EEZO COREDR. KENSON: You can’t stop me Shepard! Now the station will blow unless you run up and down the elevators in here for at least 20 minutes!
JANE: I wouldn’t count on that!
JOHN: YEEHAW! (JOHN steps back a pace, then enters a vanguard charge through the glass window, shattering it and stunning DR. KENSON with the resulting slam)
JANE: (Having crawled over the window ledge onto the platform) You were saying?
DR. KENSON: That’s the second time he’s done that to me. This time I’m ready. You will never see the Reaper’s blessings! (She pulls out a dead man switch detonator and releases it) (Seeing as they are armored up and fully shielded, this has very little effect beyond blowing DR. KENSON up over everything.)JOHN: Well that was dramatic. What do we do now?
JANE: Er… leave?
REGGIE: (Popping up beside the Eezo core) Through the door on the left, lady and gentleman. Please dispose of trash in specified containers. Feel free to stop by the one unlocked office on the left and collect all the upgrades this station has to offer. Take a shuttle and we’ll see you next time you visit Arcturus Station. (They take the specified elevator, leaving red squishy footprints as they walk down the hall. Understandably, the crew who spot them in their bloody armor are inclined to shoot first, ask questions later. Unfortunately, the indoctrination skill set does not necessarily include decent aim. Therefore it takes very little time for JANE & JOHN to be through the airlock and walking towards the shuttles.)EXT: ARCTURUS STATION: OUTER PLATFORMJANE: Well that was easy. This is a very anti-climactic mission.
JOHN: BIG DADDY!
JANE: Drat. (With effort, they take down the Big Daddy left to guard the shuttle dock … which is now empty. JOHN devises a solution)JOHN: What would happen if we wait until the asteroid is almost to the Relay and then we run towards it really fast?
JANE: Orrrrrr we could call the Normandy on that comm. tower over there.
JOHN: (Considers a moment) That would work too! (They flip a switch and the tower activates. They send a signal to the Normandy, but before it arrives, a familiar holographic form descends in front of them.)HARBINGER: Shepard. You have become an annoyance.
JOHN: You think she’s annoying now? Try living with her for 18 years.
JANE: Hey!
HARBINGER: Don’t interrupt. It’s rude.
JOHN: Sorry.
HARBINGER: You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems like a victory to you.
JANE: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, sure, it only means a few more months or years before you get to us, but the fact that you’ve stopped by to tell me I’m annoying is incredibly encouraging.
HARBINGER: Even now, your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us.
JOHN: Heh. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least. But we’re not in charge. We’re just gonna kick your shiny metal ass.
JANE: You think we’re insignificant? Maybe, but you’re forgetting one thing.
HARBINGER: Never get involved in a land war in Asia?
JANE: No. It’s that humans don’t play fair. We will fight, we will sacrifice, and we will cheat. Prepare to face the music, Reapers!
HARBINGER: Know this as you die in vain: Your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the Arrival. (The image starts to fade after this dramatic ending)
JANE: Uh huh. See ya later, Alligator.
JOHN: After a while, Crocodile!
HARBINGER: (Almost gone) Some organics have no respect for good oratory. (JOKER finally arrives with the NORMANDY, and they escape the system in the nick of time. However, 300,000 Batarians aren’t so lucky. A few days later, JANE & JOHN receive a personal visit from ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS)INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MED BAY: ‘SPLAININ’ TIMEADMIRAL: I don’t suppose the two of you can explain to me why I’m here to talk about an exploded star system when I sent you to break one scientist out of jail? (They both look at their feet, abashed. JOHN recovers first)JOHN: It’s not our fault she went batshit crazy!
JANE: Dr. Kenson was… indoctrinated. She managed to overpower us using the reaper artifact, and kept us sedated for two days. By the time we regained consciousness, it was either destroy the relay or face annihilation immediately.
ADMIRAL: You mean to tell me that because a, in your words “batshit crazy” scientist told you the reapers would be there soon, you believed her and went ahead with a plan that not only wiped out a star system, but 300,000+ citizens of a warring alien civilization that already hates our guts?
JANE: Erm… yes?
ADMIRAL: You’re sure you’re sticking with that story?
JOHN: It was totally her idea, sir. I said, ‘Jane, what about all those innocent lives?’ and she just glared at me and muttered something about four-eyed aliens! Can you believe the –
ADMIRAL: Oh well, as long as you’re sure it was necessary! (Extends hand)
JANE: Wait… what?
JOHN: Like I said, sir, totally my idea.
ADMIRAL: It’s no fun making the decisions that have to be made in the field, Commander. I trust that whatever your reasoning was, it was perfectly sound.
JANE: Well, thank you sir. I appreciate your faith in us— (She turns to the Doctor’s mini bar to pour all of them a drink)
ADMIRAL: You will of course have to stand trial.
JANE: (Stops pouring and turns) Say what now?
ADMIRAL: Stand trial. You killed 300,000 batarians. I don’t care, but some of those incompetents on earth will demand you be dealt with. But never you mind. I’ll hold them off until you decide you’re ready to come in.
JANE: Yeah, I’ll get right on that. Will you at least take my report?
ADMIRAL: Why bother? I never read them anyway. Just be there with your dress blues on when Earth calls. (He walks away and exits via the elevator.)JANE: That’s it?
JOHN: HAha! (Sing-song) You have to go before a tribunal!
JANE: Go suck a lemon. (That night, JANE does not sleep soundly due to a dream wherein a massive horde of reapers are bearing down on the galaxy. However when she wakes the next morning, she climbs the steps to the Galaxy map, turns on the loudspeaker system and asks the crew a question)INT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: MORNINGJANE: Anyone else hungry for some huge metal shrimp?
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Post by Clint Johnston on Feb 20, 2012 19:53:08 GMT 1
Go Comment!
Epilogue (Co-authored with Mr. Buch)[/u]
Mock Effect - Where Are They Now?
After Commander Shepard, her brother and their allies saved the Galaxy by destroying the Collector Space Station and the unfinished Reaper therein, they went their separate ways.
Jane Shepard was eventually overwhelmed by the guilt at the loss of innocent life in the Bahak system and turned herself and John in for the greater good. John, vehemently opposed to the idea, tried to escape by growing a goatee and claiming to be the mousetrap inspector. After this incident, and one involving a cheese grater, escaped monkeys and an Admiral’s wife, the Shepherds were put on house arrest, accompanied at all times by an overeager marine named Freddie Vega.
Miranda Lawson lost her faith in Cerberus and the Illusive Man, and escaped with her sister Oriana into the wilderness that is the Citadel stand-up comedy circuit.
Jacob Taylor decided to investigate his family tree in order to find someone to look up to. Tracing the line six centuries, he found he came from a long line of unlucky ship captains, including the captains of the Exxon Valdez, the Mont-Blanc, and the Titanic. Hoping to redeem his family name, he has published memoirs of his days as a privateer, corsair, emotionally-torn terrorist soldier, savior of the Citadel and finally right-hand man to Commander Shepard. The book, Eyes on the Prize was a roaring success, recommended as a sleeping aid by doctors across the galaxy.
Garrus Vakarian, at peace with the universe with his revenge complete, opened a school to share the skills that he’d learned with the Shepards and on Omega. The name of the facility: Archangel’s School of Badassery. Garrus has graduated many aspiring superheroes with his syllabus of classes including 'Choosing your awesome secret identity', 'How to type while standing up', and 'Bulletproof Upholstery: it may save your life’.
Mordin Solus has been employed as researcher for Ben & Jerry’s Salarian wing. Their newest creation: “Hold The Lime!” In his spare time, he is writing a new galaxy wide encyclopedia, teaching 17 doctoral classes, and composing an operetta based on his adventures.
Zaeed Massani returned to the Blue Suns mercenary group. Working as a trainer, he has revolutionized their fighting skills with his introduction of the “Hide-behind-goddam-stuff” technique.
Jack (Subject Zero) got bored waiting for the reapers to arrive and set off on her own. She changed her name, grew her hair out, and has embraced the dark side on Dantooine. She now shouts “I will F****** destroy you!” at neighborhood kids that get too close to her sacred grove.
Urdnot Grunt returned to Tuchanka, where he was welcomed as a hero by the Krogan horde. They were somewhat less enthusiastic when they discovered he had come back to open a library. It’s not as popular as libraries on other planets, but it holds the record for most items returned on time.
Kasumi Goto disappeared with her secret. In other news, several high priced hotels on the Citadel are claiming to be haunted.
Thane Krios has moved to the Citadel to spend more time with his son. After failing at board games (Kolyat fell asleep repeatedly waiting for Thane to move), sports (their unbuttoned shirts kept getting in the way), and movie marathons (the only trilogy they hadn’t both seen was the Matrix, and they agreed to keep it that way), they found an activity they could both enjoy: trolling “Keep Thane Alive” fan threads on the Bioware forums.
Samara left for Asari space to seek more Ardat-Yakshi. Her life story was adapted by Urdnot Wrex and turned into the enormously popular TV show “Busty the Vampire Slayer.” He won an Emmy for the musical episode “Titanium Zipper.”
Tali’Zorah Nar Rayya was tried by the flotilla for treason. They allowed her to speak in her own defense. Three days later, she was acquitted so the admiralty board could get some sleep.
Legion, the only geth platform outside the veil, defeated the heretic geth by tricking them into saying one word: “Exterminate”. Shortly thereafter, the base exploded. A blue box was reported in the area, but no one has verified the story.
Socially-awkward-archaeologist-turned-mad-with-power-information-broker Liara T’soni used her computer-hacking skills and manipulative personality to track down the Shadow Broker and replace him. (For how, you’ll need to purchase 750 Johnstonware points and spend three hours waiting to download the additional content) After some initial mishaps (resulting in a few minor wars) she ended up controlling the galaxy from a secret starship base hurtling endlessly through a thunderstorm. She’s presently looking for an assistant. Easily seasick need not apply.
TIM (The Illusive Man) has not been heard from since his angry conversation with Jane Shepard on the Normandy. There are unconfirmed rumors that he has committed his forces to a suicidal war against Call of Duty & Gears of War fanboys with a multiplayer endeavor in the next section of the trilogy.
The remaining crew on the Normandy took on new opportunities. The Engineers Gabby & Scotty, having lived through Tali in their engine room, realized their need for each other and got married. Psychologist/ Personal Assistant/ Cerberus Fangirl Kelly Chambers tried out for “Earth Idol” and made it to the quarter final round before someone asked her about her love life. Jeff “Joker” Moreau, assured of his inclusion in the sequel due to his celebrity status, spends the majority his time fooling around with play dough.
The End. I hope you’ve enjoyed Mock Effect 2. Please feel free to comment wherever I’ve posted it. Barring some horrific instance where the Reapers appear in real life, work on Mock Effect 3 will begin in September 2012.
Clint Johnston
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(In a sudden rage, he smashes his plated head into the nearest wall, smashing a huge hole in it.)