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Post by Clint Johnston on Jul 30, 2010 6:36:24 GMT 1
Hello all. I finished Chapter 1 sooner than I anticipated. I guess the possibility of competition is a motivator for me! LOL Anyhow, I will post Chapter 1 here, and a criticism thread in the proper forum. Please let me know what you think! Incidentally, does anyone know how to attach a word document a new post?Mock Effect 2 Prologue INT: ILLUSIVE MAN’S OBSERVATION ROOM(We see an exploding sun. The camera pulls back to reveal a curvaceous brunette in a bodysuit talking to a figure relaxing at a desk with many virtual screens. This figure is smoking a cigar and receiving a foot rub from an assistant)BRUNETTE : Shepherd did everything right, more than we could have hoped for. Saving the citadel, even the council, humanity now has the trust of the entire galaxy… and still it’s not enough! Maybe we shouldn’t have tortured all those aliens…
BOSS: Our sacrifices have earned the council’s gratitude, but the Shepherds are still our best hope.
BRUNETTE: Won’t they have a problem with our master plan for taking over the Galaxy?
BOSS: The Brother won’t. Especially if you ask nicely.
BRUNETTE: But Jane Shepherd sacrificed thousands of alliance troopers to restore the galaxy to a three man dictatorship! Don’t you think she’ll have a problem with us?
BOSS: We’ll work that out later. Every Goody Two Shoes has their weak points.
BRUNETTE: But the Council is sending them to fight Geth, GETH! We both know they’re not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there!
BOSS: And it’s up to us to stop them. (BOSS waves foot rub assistant away, and takes a swig of scotch)BRUNETTE: Sir, you’re doing it again.
BOSS: What?
BRUNETTE: Talking like a dictator. We’re aiming for suave. People like suave villains.
(BOSS glares at her)BRUNETTE: Anyhow, the Council will never trust Cerberus. They’ll never accept our help. Even after we turned entire colonies into husks and killed a prominent human admiral. But Shepherd, they’ll follow her; she and her brother are heroes, bloody icons. But she’s only one woman. If we lose her, humanity might well follow.
BOSS: Then see to it we don’t lose her.
BRUNETTE: Sir!
BOSS: That WAS Suave!
(Fade to black: The Speed-Reading typists of ME1 have returned and quickly repeat all of that we just learned concluding with the fact that the NORMANDY is now on patrol)EXT: SPACE: DAY(We see the starship SSV Normandy fly out of hyperspace, pay a toll and merge into traffic)INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY(The Normandy’s Pilot, JOKER, and Chief Navigation Officer, PRESSLEY, are discussing pressing matters)JOKER: I’m telling you, Aaron, Michael Jackson was a philosopher of ancient earth, not some lame musician!
PRESSLEY: Are you kidding? Then why do all the profound
quotations we can find by him rhyme? And if he was so wise, why did he change from humanoid to alien?
JOKER: Because he saw the futility of our existence and aspired to something greater!
PRESSLEY: So great he overdosed on sleeping pills?
JOKER: You know he was forced to take those by the Supreme Congress!
PRESSLEY: Bah, who cares, the guy is dead. Why are we wasting our time here anyway? We’ve been patrolling this sector for four days, and not even one desk lamp has popped its head up.
JOKER: I don’t know, but three ships have gone missing here in the past month, something happened to them.
PRESSLEY: My money’s on slavers… or Turians.
JOKER: Yeah yeah, we get it, you’re still racist.
RED SHIRT 1: There’s something coming up on our long range scanners. Unidentified vessel, hmmm… looks like a cruiser.
JOKER: Doesn’t match any known signatures.
RED SHIRT: Hence the unidentified part, sir. Cruiser is changing course, now on intercept trajectory.
PRESSLEY: That’s impossible, we’re running silent.
RED SHIRT 1: Um… I can see them through the window. They can probably see us too. (The unidentified ship fires a Death Laser. JOKER turns stick wildly, but pauses to turn off the autopilot, costing him crucial seconds)JOKER: Brace for evasive maneuvers! (JOKER tries to impress the attackers with a loop the loop and a double spin, but they merely keep the death laser trained on the Normandy’s engines)(Death Laser hits the engine and the ship reacts violently, almost shearing in half from the explosion)(PRESSLEY jumps up to find an escape pod but is hit in the eye by a spacebar from an exploding keyboard. He falls to the ground, mutters something, and dies with a very surprised look on his face)JOKER: Somebody put that fire out!
RED SHIRT 1: The ship is exploding, sir, the fire is the least of our problems! Haven’t you no… (RED SHIRT 1 tries to finish her sentence, but is impaled by piece of metal and falls dead, almost losing the smirk on her face)INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY(Panic has ensued as the entire crew tries to find an open escape pod at the same time. ASHLEY WILLIAMS & CARTH ALENKO, the romantic interests from the first game, run down the hallway so concerned over the fate of the SHEPHERDS, they forget to put on their helmets while the ship is leaking atmosphere)(JANE fiddles with the distress beacon as John turns to face them)ASHLEY: Will the Alliance get here in time?
JOHN: They damn well better. I’m not doing this so they can find my frozen corpse out in space somewhere.
ASHLEY: OUR frozen corpses, sir.
JOHN: No, I plan on eating your bodies for meat and staying alive as long as possible.
JANE: (Ignoring JOHN) The distress beacon is launched. Is everyone in the escape pods?
CARTH: Everyone but Joker, who’s taking his own sweet time. Something about getting his Orc to an Inn?
JANE: I thought we told him no more video games on duty.
JOHN: I did! I even snapped his thumbs. Bastard must have used magic healing gel.
CARTH: Not to be picky, but guys, the ship is blowing up!
(JANE looks at JOHN inspiringly)JOHN: Fine, you guys get out of here, Jane and I will go get Joker and haul his crippled ass to the escape pod which is conveniently located where the exit used to be. (CARTH and ASHLEY make worried sounds and look pitiful. Then they put on their helmets.)TOGETHER: We’re not leaving you!
JOHN: Get the hell out of here. If I have to rescue one cripple, I’d rather I didn’t have to come back for you morons too!
(CARTH and ASHLEY run away, jump into the next to last escape pod, and are jettisoned off into space. JANE claps JOHN on the back encouragingly)JANE: You did the right thing!
JOHN: Maybe. But I get the medals this time. (JOHN & JANE run upstairs, admire the view, and walk into the cockpit. JOKER is worriedly pressing buttons and muttering about bandits)JANE: Joker! It’s just a game!
JOKER: No, it’s a level 120 Orc Paladin, I can’t abandon it. I can still save her!
JOHN: (Shoots computer console) Don’t be stupid! I don’t get a medal unless we leave right now!
JOKER: Oh no… they’re coming around for another attack! (JOHN and JANE grab JOKER, and shove him into the last escape pod. JANE gets in with him, while JOHN pauses to look magnificent in the glow of the explosions.)(The Death Laser fires again, smashing the bulkhead that JOHN is standing on. JANE jumps out of the escape pod and yanks him out of the way just in time. As they roll to the side, the ship begins to split apart, cutting them off from the escape pod and expanding the vacuum sucking them into space)(JOHN grabs hold of JANE’s leg while she uses the last seconds of gravity to eject JOKER’s pod. Another explosion sends them spinning into space)JOHN: Well that was a bright idea. I knew I should have got in the pod first!
JANE: I just saved your life!
JOHN: And now we’re both in a huge vacuum with a miniscule amount of air and no heat. Grrrreat idea, sis.
JANE: You’d prefer I hadn’t pulled you away from the death laser?
JOHN: Oh, you’re right, suffocating and freezing to death at the same time is much better.
(While they’ve been arguing, shrapnel from the continuing explosions has punctured their suits. They continue arguing unabated until JANE notices that JOHN is unconscious. She looks at the view of a planet rimmed in sunlight and mutters a final sentence)JANE: Here we go again… (As the Shepherd’s unconscious forms descend into the atmosphere, the camera focuses on the rising sun, creating a familiar logo, beside it the ominous words: MOCK EFFECT 2)CHAPTER 1: Waking Up Is Hard To Do(The scene changes, and we see a shriveled blood vessel, slowly brought back to life by magic needles. The Australian voice of the BRUNETTE is heard) BRUNETTE: The Shepherds have been recovered. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned. INT: STATION: MEDICAL BAY: DAY(More magic needles are inserted, the heart resumes pumping, and the brain comes online again. Slowly their vision comes into focus. They hear voices)BRUNETTE: No, Wilson, just because I wear a skintight suit and trot around like an Asari does not mean I want you to make “sweet sweet love to me”
WILSON: Oh come on Miranda, you did it with Jacob!
MIRANDA: That was a one time fling, and we decided that the one night was all we could take of one another!
WILSON: I’m way more of a Priiize than he is! (MIRANDA grimaces, then notices something on the equipment and the two SHEPHERDS lying on the table looking very drugged and confused.)MIRANDA: There on the monitor! Something’s wrong.
WILSON: They’re reacting to outside stimuli, they’re aware of their surroundings. Oh my God, Miranda, they’re waking up.
MIRANDA: (looks at Wilson) What kind of Doctor are you? Of course they’re waking up! Damnit! They’re not ready yet. Give them another dose of the sedative!
MIRANDA: (To Shepherds) Don’t try to move. Just lie still, try to remain calm.
WILSON: Rubbing magic gel on their faces! Administering reflex test! Pounding on their chest and crying one last cry of despair! AUGH! It’s not working!
MIRANDA: Where did you go to medical school? Another dose, now!
WILSON: Wow… that actually worked. Heart rate dropping, stats falling back into normal range. That was close, we almost lost them!
MIRANDA: I told you your estimates were off! Run the numbers again! And for the last time, you are never touching any part of me!
WILSON: Refuse me, will she? I’ll get even, if it’s the last thing I do… (Fade to Black)INT: SPACE STATION: MEDICAL BAY: NIGHT(Lights flicker on, and we see the SHEPHERDS waking up with difficulty on a big table. MIRANDA’s voice is heard over the loudspeaker)MIRANDA: Wake up, Commander! This Facility is under attack!
JANE: (to JOHN, Groggily) What? Trask? Who’s attacking Taris? I’m still top of my class, right?
JOHN: I love the smell of lasers in the morning! (slaps JANE) Wake up already! Here’s an ammo clip. Hand it to me when I run low.
JANE: Wait, what happened to the superguns with never ending ammo?
JOHN: (wistfully) I guess they got phased out in favor of these pieces of crap that are constantly overheating. I suppose I’ll have to learn to aim now…
JANE: (after getting up) So where are we?
JOHN: How the hell should I know? Maybe we’re dead… We’re wandering down empty halls guided by a voice from on high.
JANE: Who ever thought God would be Australian?
JOHN: Let’s face it, I’m here too. I just hope we can find that Miranda babe.
JANE: (Rolls eyes)
MIRANDA: (Over loudspeaker) Look out Shepherd, someone’s turned all the mechs into killer robots!
JANE: Ok… so not heaven then.
JOHN: Ooooh, here’s a grenade launcher! (JOHN, picks it up, fires a random shot and lights a fuel line on fire)JANE: Let’s hope the magical shields still work. (They walk down a few empty hallways, which all seem to have conveniently bulletproof glass to watch the Killer Robots murder everyone. JOHN applauds while JANE stands horrified when a young man gets a rocket in the face.)(They finally come to a kind of open square, wherein a young black soldier is engaged in battle with some killer robots across the terrace)SOLDIER: The Shepherds? Holy crap, what are you doing up? Things must be in bad shape if Miranda’s got you up!
JANE: What was your first clue? The Killer Robots massacring the staff, or the whole place being on fire?
JOHN: Look, pal, I have a huge hangover and all this shooting is NOT helping, so fill me in on what exactly the hell is going on.
SOLDIER: Um… Now? They’re shooting at us!
JANE: You’re the one trying to hide behind a transparent piece of glass! (The SHEPHERDS have taken up a more sensible position behind the planter)SOLDIER: Ok… I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
JANE: Good news.
SOLDIER: Well, you’re not dead anymore.
JOHN: and the bad news?
SOLDIER: It took us two years. Incidentally, unless we get out of here soon, it’s going to be a massive waste of money. (JANE, losing patience with the constant noise in the background, pops up from behind the planter and headshots the 7 Killer Robots who were trying to construct a bridge out of blown off body parts. She blows the steam away from her overheated pistol, and looks significantly at JOHN)(They all stand up and look relieved)SOLDIER: Wow, what great shots. I have biotics and I never thought to use them on the robots heads! What else do you want to know?
JOHN: Who the hell are you?
SOLDIER: I’m Jacob Taylor, and I’m the security chief for this station. I’m second in command following Miranda. You didn’t happen to see a hot as blazes Australian girl on your way here, did you?
JOHN: No. But I dreamt about her.
JACOB: (continuing his thoughts) Normally, nothing this exciting happens.
JANE: You mean, normally, the robots don’t go insane and kill everyone? Oh that’s such a relief. What were you before this job, a real estate agent?
JACOB: How did you know? I worked for the alliance, getting veterans new accommodations! Then they asked me to be a Corsair and…
JANE: (Interrupting) Never mind. You said we were under for Two YEARS?
JACOB: Yeah, and most of that on a surgical table. It took billions of credits and super fancy cutting edge technology, and you wouldn’t believe how much magical medigel, but we managed to bring the Spectre who saved the Citadel back to life! You’re not a clone or anything; we just added a few parts!
JOHN: So how’d Jane survive?
JACOB: Um… actually, it’s your heroic sister we went to all the trouble to save. We’re not quite sure how you survived. We just put the extra parts we didn’t need in you (no use wasting them). Incidentally, I’d avoid magnets from now on.
JANE: (to herself) Keep calm, don’t panic, keep calm, don’t panic. Just because you were dead and now alive does not mean you are the zombie of your nightmares. (She takes a deep breath) So who’s attacking us? Darth Malak?
JACOB: Who? Are you still high on the drugs or something?
JANE: Never mind. If we’re here, and its 2 years later… and the last thing I remember is the ship blowing up, what happened to the crew?
JOHN: Specifically the hot babes we had with us.
JACOB: Well, pretty much everyone made it out alive, only a couple red shirts and your navigator died. He got hit by a flying spacebar. They say his last words were “Damn Turians.”
JANE: Sounds like him.
JOHN: Enough with the boring stuff, who’s the saucy aussie chick?
JACOB: That’s Miranda Lawson, the director of this facility. She oversaw your resurrection. Incidentally, I hit that. (JOHN high fives JACOB, JANE rolls her eyes)JANE: So she’s the one who turned us into zombies. I need to have a talk with her.
JOHN: (with a slight leer) Me, too. Wonder why her radio cut out?
JACOB: (with concern) I hope she’s ok. Maybe by some chance she escaped the army of killer robots and the exploding portion of this space station, just like you two main characters. I knew that bulletproof glass everywhere was a good idea.
JOHN: So how do we find her?
JACOB: Hmm… Best to make for the escape pods. If we go down that hallway (JACOB is interrupted by a harsh, evil sounding voice)
EVIL VOICE: Is anyone there? I can’t find the key to the escape pod, and I forgot to program the killer robots to ignore me. Um… Help?
JANE: Who is that? And did he just say what I thought he just said?
JACOB: That’s Wilson, the chief doctor here. Not sure how he got here or what he did exactly, but promoting him seemed like the thing to do. Not much to do here waiting for you to be resurrected.
WILSON: Hello? Who’s that?
JACOB: (oblivious) Wilson, it’s Jacob. I’m here with the Shepherd twins. We’re all ok. We were just covering the exposition of how they survived being dead for two years.
WILSON: WHAT? Ummm… Hooray! Glad to have you back!
JANE: Now about you programming the mechs to become Killer Robots…
WILSON: Never mind that now, you incredibly lucky people follow my harmless directions and come help me get my one man escape pod working.
(They follow his directions and walk directly into a Killer Robot trap)JACOB: Do you ever get that funny feeling that someone is trying to kill you?
JOHN: Yeah. Usually that’s when I shoot them in the face with a shotgun.
WILSON: Hey guys… you still there?
JANE: No thanks to you, Mr. Cypher. Why do we always get the lame villains?
WILSON: (to himself) Got to think of something… (POW, we hear a pistol fire) Oh my god that hurts. The things we do to save our career… (into radio) OH NO, they shot me! Come save me, I’m in server room B! (JANE pauses in her frantic dash to save the moronic villain whose shot himself to fiddle at a computer. Miranda’s face comes up and we hear snippets of a report)MIRANDA: We designed Commander Shepherd to come back just as she was. Same morality, same choices. As for her brother? Well, Que-sera-sera. No idea what he’ll turn out to be. Though I wouldn’t advise him going near any magnets in future.
JANE: Well, that’s comforting at least. I’m a zombie with convictions. (They eventually get to Server Room B, wherein WILSON is lying on the floor, muttering about teaching Neo a lesson)JOHN: Say weren’t you the guy who was in the lab? The one who was trying to get into the hot brunette’s pants?
WILSON: (sigh) Yes, that was me.
JACOB: For the record, I hit that. (JOHN high fives him again)
WILSON: (Glaring) Could we get back to the guy bleeding on the floor please? There’s some medigel over there.
JANE: Wait a second… who shot you? The Killer Robots wouldn’t have let you live… And what’s this pistol over here?
WILSON: Never mind that, patch me up! (JOHN looks at him, then just to annoy JANE, he hits the medigel button on his arm. WILSON gets up, grinning like a crazed monkey)WILSON: So… whoever did this totally fried the system. There’s nothing we can do to stop it, Heheheheh. He was just too good! (They all stare at him)JOHN: Whatever. Can I shoot his face now?
JANE: Nah, let him go in front in case the killer robots come around the corner.
WILSON: Maybe we can sort this out later? In that lovely non-extraditing system just down the road?
JACOB: We have to go find Miranda. She’s got the keys to the escape pod!
WILSON: Heheheheh. HAD the keys to the escape pod, you mean. The killer robots paid special attention to D wing. No idea why.
JACOB: Have you seen Miranda when she’s mad?
WILSON: (Nervous) Hmm. Well, where is she then? If she’s not here she’s either Dead… or a Traitor! *DUN DUN DUN*
JANE: But she brought us back to life… in the middle of a killer robot attack which we would never have survived lying there.
WILSON: Ok, so not a traitor. Who cares? The important thing is I have to save my… Ourselves! (Pushing WILSON out in front, they continue down the hallways, until JACOB stops them with an overly expressive sigh)TOGETHER: What?
JACOB: Shepherd, I wasn’t exactly honest with you two when I did the exposition earlier. I think you need to know that this facility is owned and run by Cerberus.
JOHN: So?
JANE: WHAT? Can’t you people leave well enough alone? First you feed my squad to the thresher maws, then you tried to create an army of husks, you destroyed poor Admiral Kahoku, nearly exterminated a star system by creating a Rachni attack team! And now you turn me into a zombie?
JACOB: But you’re alive. We brought you back from the dead.
JANE: AS A ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!
JACOB: (Terrified) Not me! Just my power hungry terrorist boss! I just thought you deserved to know.
JOHN: Can I shoot them now?
JACOB & WILSON: Wait!
JACOB: Him you can shoot, he’s a lousy villain anyway, but I’m a good guy. I have good reasons for working with terrorists, and my insane terrorist leader can tell you all about it!
JANE: Uh huh… right.
JACOB: Just please don’t shoot me until we escape, alright? I can catch bullets for you!
JOHN: He has a point. You get up there with what’s his face. (They finally find an exit to the shuttle bay, guarded by a few short lived killer robots. WILSON runs ahead and tries to get in and lock the door behind him. He is faced with a very dour looking MIRANDA, who promptly shoots him in the face)JOHN: I wanted to do that!
JANE: Why’d you kill him, we could have found out what he knew!
MIRANDA: Damn. I hadn’t thought of that. But let’s face it, he sabotaged my station, killed my staff, and was about to leave all of us hanging by stealing the shuttle, he had it coming. (They all look down, and shrug in acceptance)JACOB: Was Wilson really capable of all that by himself? I mean the guy was a moron who shot himself in the leg to keep a bad cover story going.
MIRANDA: Too risky. I’ve spent two years putting Shepherd back together, I’m not let the first moron with an overload power blow her to kingdom come… again.
JANE: Well I can’t argue with that.
MIRANDA: Good. Now let’s go see my pi..er… boss.
JANE: You mean the leader of the racist terror group Cerberus? The ones who have done nothing but impugn humanity’s honor with the galaxy?
JACOB: Impugn, that’s a good word.
MIRANDA: Look who grew a conscience. Don’t kiss their asses too much, Jacob, they might send you back to Real Estate. Fine, yes, my boss is the Illusive Man, and he’s delusional maniac, but he spent billions to bring you back from the dead, isn’t that worth a few minutes of your time?
JANE: You are GALACTIC TERRORISTS! Why on earth would I go with you?
MIRANDA: There’s only one way off this little piece of futuristic tin, and I have the keys.
JOHN: I’m with her. Much as I like fighting Killer Robots, I’m following the babe in the rubber suit.
JACOB: Despite my sudden outbreak of conscience in confessing I work for a mass murderer, I have no intention of quitting in the near future.
JANE: Fine. We’ll go. I’ve had enough of this station to last a lifetime.
MIRANDA: Or two, in your case.
JOHN: Ooh, great line!
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Post by Clint Johnston on Aug 3, 2010 5:49:08 GMT 1
Ok folks, here's Chapter 2 Let me know over in the review thread if see anything really off base.Mock Effect 2 Chapter 2: Tiny Farming Colonies with Big Daddies
INT: TINY SHUTTLE: NIGHT(The SHEPHERDS and party take the shuttle out of the killer robot base and sit looking awkwardly at one another. MIRANDA speaks)MIRANDA: Well now that you’ve escaped certain death and have had the sense to come see my boss, we need to test your mental capabilities.
JOHN: Our wha..?
MIRANDA: Not you.
JOHN: Oh, good.
JACOB: Are you sure this is necessary, Miranda? I mean, she proved her physical strengths on the station. She’s as good as she used to be.
MIRANDA: I spent 2 years and billions of the Illusive Man’s dollars to bring her back to life, Jacob, I am going to get my bloody money’s worth.
JANE: Fine. What do you want to know? I speak fluent Trebek.
MIRANDA: What do you remember of your previous adventures?
JANE: Everything. From my recruitment as a Sub-SPECTRE to my visits to Noveria, Feros, Therum, Virmire & Ilos. I remember all my Squadmates: Tali the talkative Quarian, Garrus the resentful Turian, Wrex the battle hungry Krogan, Liara the oversexed Asari, and especially Ashley & Carth, our obligatory human love interests. (A fond wistful smile comes to her face when she brings up Carth)MIRANDA: Uh huh. But what about your adventures sticks out?
JANE: You mean besides the Terrorist organization dogging my every step?
MIRANDA: (huffs) Yes, specifically your choices throughout the mission.
JANE: Then, yes, I remember fighting through the plant zombies in order to spare the lives of some crazy colonists. I remember John murdering the last of the Rachni, and all the exploded marmalade in the prothean beacon visions.
MIRANDA: What about on Virmire, when you had to leave a squad member behind to set off the nuclear device?
JANE: Had to? Oh right, that idiot Kirrahe. (Mocks) HOLD. THE. LINE! No, Commander Shepherd, we can’t set it off from space, no we have to send you in personally to blow the whole place up. (Focuses) Yes, we were forced to leave behind our brilliant Quarian engineer, Tali ‘Zorah Nar Rayya.
JOHN: And boy was that a relief.
JANE: We’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, John.
JOHN: But she isn’t dead. She kept calling us after you got all your medals.
JANE: What? And you didn’t tell me?
JOHN: No. I have my omni-tool automatically set to ignore her calls. I tried to set it that way for you too, but Ashley wouldn’t help me.
MIRANDA: (Interrupting) Yes, Tali was left behind but somehow survived. How about your final decision at the citadel, when Sovereign was attacking?
JANE: I chose to maintain stability by saving the three -man dictatorship that was making a mess of the Galaxy. Better the problems you know than total anarchy.
MIRANDA: In gratitude, they offered humanity a seat on the council. You were asked to nominate a candidate for the position.
JANE: I suggested Captain Anderson for both his personal charm and insight for marketing. Udina was a jackass, so I punched him out.
JOHN: Heh, that was funny.
JACOB: (Indignantly) Satisfied, Miranda?
MIRANDA: I suppose I’ll have to be. Let’s just hope the Illusive Man agrees. INT: LAZARUS STATION: DAY(The Shuttle lands on another space station we’ll never see again. JANE and JOHN are guided into a dark circular room, and the door is shut behind them)JOHN: Oooo k. (A strange sort of scanner, fancier than the ones in spaceports, crawls up their bodies, allowing them to see the ILLUSIVE MAN’s observation room. He is sitting in a comfortable chair, smoking a cigar, overlooking the exploding sun we saw in the prologue. Strangely, two years later, there seems to be no variation in the Sun’s color or view.)JANE: Jerk. Come down here and face me like a man!
ILLUSIVE MAN: (Smirking confidently) Only a necessary precaution, Commander. Not very unusual for people who know what you and I know.
JANE: (Suspicious) And what exactly do we know?
JOHN: Ooh! I Got this. We know that you know what we know, and that because you know, we know what you plan to do about it.
ILLUSIVE MAN & JANE: What?
JOHN: (sullen) I knew it.
JANE: You’re a galactic terrorist. You may have had me rebuilt, but you don’t know me, and I’d like to keep it that way.
ILLUSIVE MAN: (inhales on cigar, and coolly gestures for JANE to relax) It’s time for you to put your personal feelings for me aside, Shepherd, and realize we face a greater threat. One that threatens Humanity’s very existence.
JOHN: (eager again) Ooh! I saw this in a movie once. Let me try one more time. Is it the Darkspawn?
ILLUSIVE MAN: No. (beginning to be annoyed)
JANE: Orcs, then?
ILLUSIVE MAN: No. (steadily glares at them)
JOHN: I give up.
ILLUSIVE MAN: The Reapers.
JOHN & JANE: Ohhhhhhh….
ILLUSIVE MAN: (Muttering) What kind of drugs did I give you anyways? (To Shepherds) Are you feeling alright? Perhaps we should have this conversation when you are more lucid.
JANE: Oh. I’m perfectly lucid. I just love it when I wake up and find that A) [/i] I’m not dead, B)[/i] my ship and my friends are gone, and C)[/i] my worst enemy wants to make kissy face. ILLUSIVE MAN: Cerberus isn’t evil, Shepherd. We’re both on the same side, we just have different methods. JANE: I’m sure Admiral Kahoku appreciates just how different. ILLUSIVE MAN: (losing temper) Look, I just spent billions of credits to bring you back from death itself. Would it kill you to listen to what I’m saying? We’re at war. The Reapers may look like a unlimited buffet at Red Lobster to you, but they are a deadly unstoppable force and unless we quit this bickering and you listen to me, we will all be dead! JANE: (stunned) OK. When you put it that way… ILLUSIVE MAN: They’re harvesting. I don’t know how, but they are doing it at random colonies with no method of communication. Right now, the number of victims is in the hundreds of thousands. JOHN: (Long slow whistle)JANE: (Shocked but still doubting) And you expect me to believe that neither the council nor the alliance are doing anything about it? ILLUSIVE MAN: The Alliance suffered heavy losses thanks to your little public relations stunt on the Citadel. They’re spread so thin, they’d make a Salarian look fat. As for the Council? Don’t make me laugh. JANE: It was better than the alternative… ILLUSIVE MAN: (resentful) Well, we’ll never know that, will we? JANE: But why rebuild me then? For the money it took to bring me & John back from the dead, you could have created a massive army! ILLUSIVE MAN: Which would have been worth precisely squat. You’re more than just a lucky person, Shepherd. You’re a symbol. Both to us, and to the enemy. I don’t know if this race of sentient robots has feelings, but on the off chance it does, I want to play as dirty as I can. JANE: This is going to take some convincing. How do I know you aren’t just trying to play me? ILLUSIVE MAN: (victorious smirk) I’d be disappointed if you were that easy to play. I relish a good opponent…Er… I mean ally. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom’s Progress, the latest colony to be hit. JANE: Wait, if you knew it was just hit, why didn’t you do anything about it? ILLUSIVE MAN: Because all I know is that their communications just went dark, and conveniently here you are. If you don’t ask why, this will all work so much easier. JANE: If this is true, I’ll consider entering a temporary truce with you. ILLUSIVE MAN: That’s all I wanted to hear. [/blockquote] (ILLUSIVE MAN hits a button and the SHEPHERDS are standing in the round dark room again.)JANE: Well that was strange.
JOHN: How was I supposed to know he was talking about the Reapers? (They walk up the stairs, and JOHN nudges JANE)JOHN: Give me a second; I’m going to go talk to Miranda
JANE: (Raises an eyebrow) You think you really have a prayer with little miss ice queen?
JOHN: What can I say, I love a challenge. (JOHN approaches MIRANDA, who is busily ignoring him while typing a report on the casualties lost at Lazarus Station. Seeing he isn’t going away, she speaks)MIRANDA: The Illusive man is very impressed with you and your sister. I’m eager to see if you can live up to his expectations on this mission.
JOHN: What’s the matter, you jealous?
MIRANDA: No. I merely question whether you and your sister have the combined brains to put together a jigsaw puzzle, let alone save the galaxy.
JOHN: Are you naturally this bitchy, or is it just me?
MIRANDA: Listen, you little twerp, I believe in Cerberus and its mission, and if you and your sister don’t come through we’re all going to be in a very deep hole. So excuse me if I don’t embrace you and ask how great being dead was.
JOHN: Just remember who’s in charge.
MIRANDA: Yes, your sister. Now stop bothering me. (JOHN stalks off, meanwhile JANE and JACOB have been having secretly taping the exchange for future use)JACOB: I’m glad the Illusive Man convinced you to join us, Commander.
JANE: Whoa, hold on there, Sancho. I haven’t joined anything yet. However, if what Timmy in there says is true, I at least owe it to those colonists to find out what’s going on.
JACOB: Timmy?
JANE: The. Illusive. Man. T.I.M. Seriously, none of you ever thought of that before?
JACOB: No… but it does have a kind of ring to it.
JANE: See, there, I knew you were smart. A bit gullible, maybe, but smart.
JACOB: That’s why I was in real estate for the Alliance. They knew I could move a piece of crap land on a piece of crap planet faster than anyone.
JANE: Then why’d you leave?
JACOB: I was supposed to be able to do what I wanted, with no restrictions or rules, but there was so much red tape, I wasn’t allowed to lie or exaggerate about the house’s condition hardly at all! Do you have any idea what it is to be a real estate salesman who can’t lie?
JANE: I can imagine. OK, that explains your leaving the alliance, but how do you go from real estate to terrorism?
JACOB: Let’s just say I was tired of nothing ever making a difference. I thought things would change and I would be able to make a profit after the citadel attack freed up a lot of rental units, but before I even got rolling, the council came in with fresh pile of bureaucratic BS.
JANE: (Acknowledging) They are good at that.
JACOB: Cerberus is different. When they want a unit sold, they put me to it, and I can keep a 30% commission. No writing reports justifying the local termite population, just sign the paper and done.
JANE: If you’re still doing real estate, what were you doing on the Lazarus Station, and why are you going to this colony with us?
JACOB: Well, Tim sent me over there to see about selling the station after you were resurrected, and that took a good deal longer than expected. And hello? Empty Planet? Can you say open house?
JANE: So, you’re not a sycophant, just a profiteer?
JACOB: I go where the credits are.
JANE: Right. INT: TINY SHUTTLE: NIGHT(JANE and JOHN meet at the shuttle, and are joined by JACOB & MIRANDA. JOHN sits in the corner and continues sulking, while MIRANDA addresses JANE)MIRANDA: We’ll be there shortly. The Illusive Man put us under your command, do you have any orders? (forced smile)
JANE: Miranda, I’m not here to steal your position. Are you going to be ok working with me?
JACOB: She’ll be fine, Ma’am. Tim didn’t have you resurrected just so we could ignore you.
MIRANDA: Tim???
JACOB: Yes, Tim. The. Illusive. Man. Catchy, isn’t it?
MIRANDA: I suppose it is at that. As for us, Commander, we’ll see. Just keep your brother off my ass.
JANE: I can try, but you’re the one wearing the skintight jumpsuit. I don’t suppose you have any potato sacks?
MIRANDA: No. (She casts a sidelong glance at JOHN, who has lost his sullen look, and now has his leer back on) Though maybe I should invest in some.
JANE: Do you think we have any chance of finding out what happened?
JACOB: The other colonies we’ve investigated had been hit by looters and government investigators first. Maybe this time we’ll get a clean scene.
JANE: I thought Cerberus was the only one investigating this. Typical, Tim. Leave out the tiny detail that my job is already being done by professionals. (Addressing the rest) Alright, people, let’s get out there and keep our eyes open. Maybe we can solve this big mystery, and I won’t be stuck in a crisis where the only other people who believe me are terrorists. EXT: FREEDOM’S PROGRESS: NIGHT(The team walks through a totally deserted city. JOHN eats somebody’s stale hamburger. He offers some to MIRANDA, but she just glares at him. Suddenly, they are attacked by Killer Robots.)JANE: Great… the killer robots are following us. Does anyone see a giant flaming gate nearby?
MIRANDA: No. Why would we? Anyhow, these robots were household servants for the colony. Someone programmed them to attack.
JACOB: Great. Do you realize how hard it is to sell Killer Robot territory? (They continue onward, and into another trailer. Inside are TALI ‘ZORA NAR RAYYA, PRAZZA & squad. As the Shepherds approach, a Mexican standoff erupts with JOHN, JACOB, MIRANDA and all the quarians drawing their weapons. JANE & TALI try to cool things down)TALI: Prazza, you promised you’d let me handle this!
JANE: Guys, guys! Tali is ok!
MIRANDA: Those aliens have weapons on us Shepherd!
PRAZZA: I’m not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!
TALI: PUT. THE. WEAPONS. DOWN. Or I will explain how I escaped Virmire. AGAIN. (All the quarians put down their guns as rapidly as possible, followed slowly by the Shepherd team)TALI: The Shepherds… is it really you? I thought you were dead. After Virmire, when no one returned my calls…
JANE: Cerberus just spent 2 years rebuilding me, Tali. In exchange, all they asked was that I visit this colony and solve a mystery.
PRAZZA: Why should we believe you? You’re with them!
MIRANDA: We’re investigating the disappearance of an entire human colony. How about you?
TALI: We’re here for a quarian named Veetor who was on his pilgrimage. You haven’t seen him have you?
JANE: No… But I would like to. If he was here, and survived the attack, he could have just the evidence we need.
JACOB: What’s a Pil… OW! (JOHN kicks him)
JANE: (Ignoring them) I’m so glad to see you, Tali, I thought you’d died on Virmire. My numbskull brother was deleting your messages. I didn’t find out until five minutes ago that you’d even survived!
TALI: It’s ok Shepherd. I can tell you what happened… (PRAZZA’s eye lights widen, and there is an almost imperceptible desperate negative shake of his head.)
JANE: Perhaps another time. Why would Veetor come here? It wasn’t exactly bustling even when it had people.
TALI: He was… unbalanced, and didn’t like crowds.
PRAZZA: He’s a nutcase. Who do you think set those killer robots up?
JOHN: So that’s who I get to kill…
TALI & JANE: Stop it!
TALI: We saw him run away when we landed. He’s holed up in the warehouse over there, but he’s got it swarming with killer robots. Our best course of action would be to cooperate to defeat them, and then go after Veetor together.
PRAZZA: What, we’re working with Cerberus now?
JANE: Hold it a second, what exactly did Tim do to you guys?
TALI: Tim?
JOHN: The Illusive Man. Roll with it.
PRAZZA: They infiltrated the flotilla, killed our people, and tried to blow up one of our ships!
JANE: That’d do it.
TALI: You’re not working with Cerberus. You’re working with me. And you’ll do as I say. So we’ll draw fire, while you go in headfirst?
MIRANDA: Grreaat. (The groups disperse, with TALI & crew going one way, and SHEPHERD’s team going the other. Midway through overloading a few tiresome moving rocket robots, TALI interrupts over the radio)TALI: Shepherd! Prazza and his squad have gone on ahead. They were going to try to steal Veetor out from under you!
JOHN: Heheheh… under you.
TALI:..But they’re in trouble. Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech and it’s tearing them apart!
MIRANDA: Serves them right.
JANE: Come on guys, you wouldn’t be so cavalier about it if it were humans being blown to pieces! (Taking cover, they approach the Heavy Mech’s location. They see it take out several quarians in a brutal manner. The huge robot very easily keeps them all pinned down with its barrages of bullets, interspersed with cover eliminating rocket fire)JANE: What IS that? What ne’er do well colony has one of those Big Daddys lying around!?
JOHN: I don’t know, but I want to kill it! (MIRANDA tries to step out and take a potshot, but at that same moment the Big Daddy’s rocket fire stuns her. She lies immobile in range of the Big Daddy’s warming up guns. )JOHN: Oh no you don’t, you sneaky narrator you. (JOHN, moving so fast that time itself seems to have slowed, steps out and fires a heavy pistol directly into the Big Daddy’s robot face. The head comes off, the body slumps over with a strange red glow emanating from it. JOHN runs back to MIRANDA, and only barely makes it back to cover before the Big Daddy explodes in mini-nuclear fashion.)MIRANDA: What the hell was one of those doing here? (With the only sign of TALI or PRAZZA being various blood trails that end in disgusting ways, the Shepherds proceed and open the warehouse door. A quarian is working feverishly at a huge wall of monitors, muttering nonsensical gibberish)VEETOR: 4 … 8… 15… 16… 23….42 Must type in the numbers every 108 minutes. No sleep… Monsters… Turn on Killer robots…
JANE: It’s Ok Veetor, You’re safe now.
MIRANDA: He’s pretty far gone. We’re going to have to do something. (JOHN snaps out his pistol and fires a shot into one of the monitors, startling VEETOR out of his haze. JANE glares at him.)JOHN: What? I thought I saw a Robot! And it woke him up didn’t it?
VEETOR: What? Humans? How are you alive? The monsters didn’t get you?
JACOB: No, but your robots certainly made a fair try.
JANE: We weren’t here during the attack.
VEETOR: Ha ha ha. You weren’t there. You didn’t see. I saw everything. (VEETOR collapses in fit of insane laughter, accidentally tripping the monitors back on and playing a video showing the unconscious colonists being loaded into wagons and hauled away by huge cockroach like creatures who in turn are surrounded by smaller insects)MIRANDA: No… it can’t be. A collector?
JANE: Those aren’t stamps he’s picking up…
JOHN: Though they are bobble heads! (They all stare at JOHN until he stops grinning)JANE: So what are “Collectors”?
JACOB: No one really knows what exactly they do. Only it’s rumored that they live out in the unmapped space out beyond the Omega 4 relay, and that they eat anyone who tries to sneak through alive!
MIRANDA: They usually hire slavers or mercs to do their dirty work. Not many people see them in person.
JANE: Who does that remind you of? (MIRANDA merely glares at JANE. JANE returns to VEETOR, who has stopped laughing and is now looking in around in bewilderment, muttering)VEETOR: Am I in Purgatory? Are there Polar bears? WHERE THE HELL IS JACOB?
JACOB: I’m right here.
VEETOR: Did we blow up the island ok?
JANE: Yes, yes, you did wonderfully. The island is all gone now. How did you escape?
VEETOR: The monsters didn’t find me. I ran away. I hid. The monsters don’t find me.
JACOB: Maybe the suit hid him.
MIRANDA: Or Maaaybe the Collectors were only looking for Humans, and thereby ignored all other life signs on an alien planet, accidentally leaving a half crazy quarian behind. Mass Effect villains have made stupider mistakes.
JANE: Thank you for your help, Veetor. It’s all going to be OK. J.J. Abrams will get what’s coming to him. (VEETOR relaxes visibly, and slumps to the ground)MIRANDA: Time to go. Maybe we’ll be able to get more out of him on the base.
JANE: I thought I was in… (TALI bursts in, furious)TALI: Shepherd, you can’t do this. He needs medical attention, not an interrogation!
JACOB: We won’t hurt him; we just need to see if he knows anything else.
MIRANDA: You people already betrayed us once. And look how that turned out.
TALI: Prazza is.. was .. an idiot. And he paid for it! You can take his omni tool data and this really weird video if you want it, but you’d better let me take him. (Threatening) If only to keep my childhood psychological trauma a mystery…
JOHN: Deal. Now take little twinkle toes here and get.
JANE: Tali, you could join us, you know.
TALI: I’m sorry, but I have a secret mission that I absolutely positively cannot divulge here. I might see you later on though. (As TALI leaves, she waggles her fingers at JOHN)JANE: Oh, that’s not good.
JOHN: I wonder…
JACOB: Excellent, here’s the shuttle. INT: ILLUSIVE OBSERVATION ROOM: DAY(The scanner thing whirrs again, and we see the SHEPHERDS once again in TIM’s office. TIM is smoking another cigar and relaxing in his command chair)TIM: Good work, Shepherds. The quarians forwarded us the remaining data from the survivor. Nothing more than we already had but surprising, given our history.
JANE: You mean the time you got petty and decided to cripple their fleet because you thought it might be bigger than Earth’s?
TIM: Well, you and I have different methods, but I don’t argue with results.
JANE: Would it kill you to play nice?
TIM: Diplomacy is nice, but it can be difficult when the rest of galaxy already perceives you as a threat.
JANE: And whose fault would that be? I mean, why on earth would they have any doubt about sweet good hearted Timmy boy?
TIM: Timmy? Who is Timmy? What are you talking about? (Shakes head) Never mind I don’t want to know.
JANE: So what’d the data say?
TIM: It confirmed that the Collectors were indeed behind the attacks. And that Veetor is completely nuts.
JANE: That was a given. What aren’t you telling me? You can’t prove the Reapers are doing this, can you?
TIM: The patterns are there, buried in the data. It’s the Reapers.
JANE: Right. And I’m supposed to just take your word for it?
TIM: Basically, yeah. Because why would I lie?
JOHN: (Bored & Agitated) So, the cockroach people took the colony? Does this mean I get to go kill them?
TIM: Well, yes and no. You’ll need a team. Now I’ve composed a list of the best ….
JANE: We had a team. We could just bring them back.
JOHN: Yeah! I’d love to work with Wrex again!
TIM: They’re not available.
JANE & JOHN: But why not?
TIM: Because Bioware doesn’t want you killing them until the finale. Now stop arguing. Now my list has the best soldiers, scientists and mercs in the galaxy, and I’m sure you can convince them to join you. If not, this storyline would get really boring really fast. I’ll continue to track the collectors, and I’ll notify you if I find any more patterns in the data.
JANE: Fine. Truce on. But understand me, it’s only until I deal with these bug people…
JOHN: And kick some major ass.
TIM: I highly recommend that you start by signing on the Doctor on Omega.
JANE: Doctor who?
TIM: Exactly. Incidentally, I took the liberty of hiring you a pilot. They say he’s one of the best. And he can technobabble like nobody’s business. INT: LAZARUS STATION: DAY(The door behind the SHEPHERDS opens and in shuffles JOKER)JOKER: Hi ya, Commander! Missed me?
JANE: It’s good to see you, Joker! I’m so glad my last action before zombie-hood was to save your life.
JOKER: And boy was I grateful. Though watching you get spaced and now seeing you resurrected is going to seriously mess up my sleep cycle.
JANE: We got lucky, with a whole lot of strings attached.
JOHN: (Cluing in) Wait… You’re that pilot guy. The one who told the Council it was Jane who did all the cool stuff that saved the Citadel. I hate you. I should break your thumbs.
JOKER: Great move on my part, by the way. Now this entire parody can be told from a totally different angle. I’m sure Jane’s and my rapier wit combined will be enough to make the collectors beg to surrender.
JANE: How did you get involved with Cerberus?
JOKER: Have you seen the job market today? You try telling the interviewer that you’re late because you broke your leg. Not to mention, the alliance sort of blacklisted me for that attempt at impressing the aliens before running away. The Council just doesn’t want to face facts. That loop de loop was amazing.
JANE: When have they ever? But you really think you can trust Cerberus?
JOKER: I don’t trust anyone who makes more money than I do. Tim included.
JANE: Aha, I knew it would catch on!
JOKER: Yeah, it’s all over the station now. But I gotta say, he did save your lives, and he put me back in the air, and then there’s this. (JOKER points dramatically at a window. JOHN & JANE peer through it, seeing nothing)JOHN: and then there’s a window?
JANE: It’s a nice sort of murk, if you like such things.
JOKER: Oh damn. (JOKER flicks the light switch and the stereo switch at the same time and inspiring brass music plays as we see that the window is actually overlooking a massive docking bay where a full scale rebuilt version of the NORMANDY is waiting)JOHN: (Awed whistle)
JANE: Wooow.
JOKER: They just told me last night. I’ve been working for the guy for who knows how long, and I never even suspected he might have hired me to fly my old ship again!
JOHN: Can we change the name? The “Badass” would be pretty cool.
JOKER & JANE: No. (Inspiring music continues to play, and the NORMANDY 2.0 takes off into space. How the Shepherds and their crew got on board, no one knows. But the rest is history)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Aug 12, 2010 6:45:09 GMT 1
Finally got this chapter done! Sorry it took me so long. I had to change my text around a few times as I figured out exactly how much humorous influence I could put on characters without ruining them. I've got exams this weekend and am going to be on vacation all of next week, so chapter 4: The search for the mystical couch will have to wait.Mock Effect 2 Chapter 3: My Friend The Doctor[/b] INT: NORMANDY 2.0 MAIN DECK: DAY(Dramatic music plays as the Shepherds appears on board, and view the main deck for the first time.)JOHN: (Whispers to JANE) It looks just like the old one.
JANE: Shhh, you’ll hurt their feelings.
JACOB: Welcome to the New Normandy, Commander!
MIRANDA: (Ignoring the obvious import of the moment) I think our first step should be to go pick up that scientist on Omega.
JOHN: Doctor what’s-his-name? Why do we need him … or her… or it? I can never tell with Salarians.
JANE: Because without his expertise, we’ll be covered by those little mosquito things in seconds. We need him to develop a better can of OFF so we can avoid being freeze rayed.
DISEMBODIED FEMALE VOICE: Acquiring the Doctor is the most logical choice. (JANE & JOHN react, looking around the room for the offender. JOHN draws his pistol, and almost fires it when a blue globe appears behind JANE)BLUE GLOBE: Hello, Shepherd, I am the Normandy 2.0’s Artificial Intelligence; the crew likes to call me EDI. Mainly because I told them to, and if they do, I leave them alone in the shower.
JOHN: Jane… it’s talking Jane.
JANE: Hmm… Could come in handy. But if it starts asking me if I want to install extranet explorer, I’m out the window.
EDI: Actually, Commander, I only have control over the weapons systems in a combat situation, the rest of the time, I observe and offer analysis & advice. Constantly.
JANE: What kind of advice?
EDI: Well, for one thing, that casual wear does nothing for you. You should take the elevator up to the top floor, and change into something more interesting. (JANE glares and EDI disappears)JOHN: (Turning around wildly) Where is it? I’ll blow it up like I did that rocket base on the moon.
MIRANDA: Give EDI a chance, Shepherd. She’ll grow on you. Now if you need us, Jacob and I will be at our stations. Have a look around and then tell Joker where you want to go. (As MIRANDA leaves, the SHEPHERDS are approached by an attractive redhead with a clipboard under her arm)REDHEAD: Oh. My. God. It’s Really You. When they said you were dead, I was, like, bummed, but when I heard they’d like, resurrected you, I was like, YIPPEE! I’m Yeoman Kelly Chambers, and I’ve been assigned as your … uh… assistant or something.
JANE: (Sarcastically) Terrific.
KELLY: I gotta say, Commander, it’s going to be such an honor to work under you. (bats her eyelashes)
JOHN: (Enthusiastically) Terrific!
JANE: Oh Dear Lord… Well, we’re pleased to have you on the team, Ms. Chambers, now if you don’t mind…
KELLY: Please, call me Kelly. I’ll manage, like, your e-mail, and other stuff.
JOHN: Heheheh. Exactly what kind of “other stuff”?
KELLY: Well, I took these extranet courses on psychology, and like, Tim thought I was really good at it. I had been hanging out with him, but after your last mission, he thought you could use someone to help, like, to get through it all. I guess when everyone on the ship you’re on is going to get spaced, you can get pretty bummed. So, like, I’m here to cheer them up! (JOHN assumes a depressed look until JANE kicks him)JANE: This is Tim getting even with me over sending Veetor back, isn’t it?
KELLY: I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that you’re here working for Cerberus. We were handpicked (whispers in awe) by Tim himself (resumes normal voice) to fight, like, the greatest threat ever!
JANE: You don’t have any problem with their terrorist agenda?
KELLY: NOooo! How could you say such a thing?! Tim is the nicest guy I’ve ever met, ‘cept your brother here (bats eyelashes again), and Cerberus is always trying to do the right thing by humans. But like, just because I like dogs, doesn’t mean I don’t like cats.
JANE: What is with the weird animal analogies in this series? First it is dogs and bears, then cat shelters? I keep expecting a giraffe to turn up somewhere.
KELLY: (Continuing) I mean, I’ve loved Asari, Quarians, Turians, Salarians, and even the Hanar. But the best lover I ever had was a human, and the guy who was talking about Cerberus made them sound, like, pretty awesome. So they asked me if I wanted to sign on, and I was like, Duh!
JANE: (sigh) Kelly, Cerberus is not the good guys. They have killed whole colonies of humans and aliens in order to make their point. You can’t honestly believe in their ludicrous racist plans for human domination!
KELLY: (Frowning in Pity) I’m sorry you feel that way; I hope time will change your mind.
JOHN: Well, I’m convinced! (JANE hits her head against the nearest wall repeatedly)JANE: At least tell me where my e-mail is. (KELLY, smiling at JOHN, points in the general direction of an open computer. JANE opens up her e-mail and finds that in 2 years, Spam mail has not decreased. She spends 20 minutes selecting off color messages about “making your Elcor friends jealous” and deleting them. She is left with 3 or 4 messages requesting “urgent” help and a letter from Captain Anderson. The letter reads as follows)ANDERSON: Dear Shepherds. I have heard through the super space grapevine that you might be alive, but I can’t explain how or why. If you really are alive, and if you are still using this e-mail account, get in touch me on the Citadel as soon as possible. We really need to talk about movie rights.
Signed, Councilor Anderson.
Ps. Check out the sequels to Mass Effect: Revelation. There’s Ascension & Retribution. Available at all good bookshops. (JANE shakes her head, closes the computer, removes JOHN from his in-depth conversation with KELLY about alien sex rituals, and heads up to JOKER’s seat in the Cockpit)JOKER: Can you believe this Commander? It’s my baby only better! And LEATHER seats. The Alliance may have top of the line guns, but they don’t know squat about comfortable upholstery!
EDI: Thank you for noticing Mr. Moreau. Though I must advise that you not lean so far back in it, you might fall out. And with your medical history, that would be a difficult situation for all of us.
JOKER: (Glaring) And there’s the downside. The ship is talking to me. I do enough talking to myself; I do not need a blue blob popping up every ten minutes to tell me to stop picking my nose.
JANE: You think you got problems? I have a terrorist bimbo out there taking my messages, an over the top ice queen acting as my second in command…
JOHN: Wha… I thought I was your No. 2!
JANE: Turn about is fair play, buddy. Now go get me some coffee. One cream, two sugars, stirred counter-clockwise. And see if you can drum up a cheese danish. (JOHN heads towards the back of the ship)JANE:… not to mention the profiteer real-estate agent managing my armory, and a genocidal maniac watching my every move. So, go ahead, Joker, tell me why it’s such an inconvenience to you to ignore another voice in your head. If it’s so difficult play with some clay or something, that’ll reduce your stress.
JOKER: Sheesh, don’t overreact or anything. But we are staying, right? I mean, this seat is real leather!
JANE: Good to see you’re keeping things in perspective…Yes, we’re staying. But only until I get to the bottom of these colony disappearances. Then we’re out of here.
EDI: Mr. Moreau, your gaming console is ready.
JANE: Try not to suffer too much. (After examining the virtual model of the Normandy for a moment, JANE proceeds towards the Elevator. The doors open, and there is JOHN halfway to third base with KELLY)JANE: A-hem.
JOHN: Wait… this isn’t right. We’ve not even heard the announcement yet.
JANE: (mock announcer voice) In other news, Bioware listens to their millions of frustrated fans who longed for shorter load times in the Mass Effect Sequel. This will severely hinder those trying to get lucky in the elevator when they’re supposed to be getting their Commander’s coffee.
JOHN: Cry me a river.
JANE: Would you at least get out of the elevator so I can use it? I’ll send it back down so you can start cleaning. (JANE goes inside the Elevator, and hits the Captain’s Cabin button. She steps into a very nice cabin, nothing like Captain Anderson’s dark cubby hole on Normandy 1.0. There’s a fish tank, a stereo and a closet. There’s even a working toilet. In the center of the room there is a huge bed, subtly indicating that KELLY & JOHN aren’t the only ones trying to get lucky on this mission.)(JANE summons the elevator then takes it back down to the crew deck. JOHN is scrubbing away, muttering many impolite things about JANE’s personal life. JANE ignores him, and walks up to a curmudgeonly man who is busy scrubbing a plunger in the kitchen sink.)CREWMAN: (Over Shepherd’s shoulder) Chef’s surprise again, Rupert?
RUPERT: (Holding up plunger, throwing “water” all over the place) I’m sorry, princess, would you prefer filet mignon and caviar? I’ll get right on that, as soon as I set the table and get out my doilies! (Turns to JANE as she approaches) Commander Shepherd! Hero of the Citadel! Pleased to meet‘cha!
JANE: Pleased to meet you. What’s your name and what do you do here?
RUPERT: I’m Rupert Gardiner, and I’m the ship’s cook, among other things.
JANE: (Eyeing the plunger) Other things?
RUPERT: Well, let’s see. I’m the cook, the plumber, the janitor, the electrician, and I manage the air conditioning. We pull our weight on a Cerberus ship!
JANE: Right. You mean the organization that spent billions of credits to bring me back from the dead and billions more building an improved replica of my ship can’t afford to hire a janitor?
RUPERT: Well… when you put it that way…
JANE: John, get over here!
JOHN: (Still muttering) What do you want now?
JANE: (Taking plunger from Rupert and handing it to JOHN) Congratulations, you’re now the ship’s Janitor/Plumber. Get to work.
JOHN: But, but… That’s his job.
JANE: Not anymore! You can take Mr. Whineyface over there with you. He has the time to bitch about the food, he can do the electrical and air conditioning work.
JOHN: (Glaring) Oh you’re gonna pay for this.
JANE: Not today I’m not. Now off with you! (Turns back to Rupert) You were saying?
RUPERT: Wow. Thanks Commander, but if you could do me just one more favor…
JANE: What do you need? Don’t tell me they have you on Airlock duty too!
RUPERT: Oh no, I swapped that off for plumbing with Dr. Bastillasmother. But if you could pick me up some groceries, that would be great.
JANE: Seriously? A Cook/Janitor and no groceries? Where the hell did Joker’s leather chair come from?
RUPERT: Ha! That’s not leather. And while I have you here, we also need engine couplings.
JANE: I should go.
RUPERT: Thanks again Commander! Oh, and could you pick up some Brandy if you see any? (JANE ignores him and takes the elevator back up to the CIC. Selecting Omega on the map, she goes back up to her Cabin. JOKER, as usual, insists on making a fancy landing.)INT: OMEGA ASTEROID DOCK: NIGHT(JANE, JOHN, MIRANDA & JACOB enter the docking bay, and are approached by a nervous Salarian)SALARIAN: Hello…uh…Welcome to Omega…uh… if you could please give me all your cash now…uh… that would be good. (A Batarian approaches him from behind) BATARIAN: YOU! GET OUT OF HERE! This is our turf! Only we’re allowed to mug the passengers!
SALARIAN: Of course, whatever you say, Moklan, whatever Aria wants!
MOKLAN: Damn scavengers. Always trying to rob the (notices Shepherd’s weapons) er… heavily armed …er… visitors to our station.
JOHN: Are you going to try to rob us too?
MOKLAN: Oh no! I’m just here to deliver a message from Aria, our unscrupulous boss. She wants to know what a zombie version of the hero of the Citadel is doing here.
JANE: (sighs) I’m not really a zombie. I think. I mean, I don’t feel like a zombie. But then again, zombies don’t feel anything, so technically that’s impossible, but you know what I mean. Anyhow, relax. I’m not here to cause problems for the alien mafia.
MOKLAN: (snorts) As if you could bother Aria. We’re more concerned about how everything around you seems to explode. It’s bad for business. So she “requests” you come visit her at “your earliest convenience.” And bring your brother; she wants to talk to him especially.
JOHN: Finally! Some Respect!
MOKLAN:… About his nasty habit of shooting up bars. It would be a very bad idea here. (MOKLAN walks away. JANE and crew continue down the hallway, whereupon they find a brutally scarred older man holding a batarian at gunpoint.)BATARIAN: Please help me!
JANE: Is there a problem here? (The “OLD MAN” turns and readies his pistol with lightning speed, startling JOHN into silence. He watches the continuing conversation with awe in his eyes)JANE: Whoa, hold it there! I just wanted to know why the innocent was crying for help. That’s usually a sign of an experience point producing side quest.
OLD MAN: None of your business…
BATARIAN: HELP ME! (The OLD MAN hauls the BATARIAN up and punches him in the face)OLD MAN: Shut it! (Turns back to SHEPHERDS) You must be the Shepherd twins. They warned me the broad was a bit of a softie. I’m Zaeed Massani. Cerberus told me to be on the lookout for you two. Said I was to join up with you and save the galaxy.
JANE: (Mutters) Sure, why not, let’s throw a psychopath on the team. This is what you get, Jane, for dealing with terrorists. (Aloud) Good to have you with us, Zaeed. Are we taking this fellow with us?
ZAEED: Ha. No. This little pipsqueak is getting turned in for the bounty on his head. Thought he could outrun me, but they ALL come to Omega. Not sure why really. It’s an asteroid in the middle of the galaxy, and there are like 6 other whole planets, but they all like it on this rock, so I simply wait for them to arrive. Takes the fun out of the chase, really.
BATARIAN: I didn’t do it! Help me please! (ZAEED kicks the BATARIAN in the head)ZAEED: So anyways, you were saying?
JANE: (Horrified) Why exactly are you coming with us again?
ZAEED: A LOT of money. And a side mission we’ll get to later.
JANE: OK, we can afford to hire psychopaths and rebuild ships, but not a janitor? (sighs) Whatever. Get your stuff on board the ship.
ZAEED: Alright! Time to be big goddam heroes! (The BATARIAN makes a last dash for freedom towards … a dead end hallway. ZAEED off handedly pulls his pistol and shoots the BATARIAN in the leg.)ZAEED: Better turn this thing it before it starts to stink. See you later, Shepherd. (Exit ZAEED)
JANE: Right. Later. Woo.
JOHN: (finally finding his tongue) That was awesome! … I want to be him!
JANE: How do you know you’re not?
JOHN: Huh?
JANE: Well, this being a sci-fi storyline, it wouldn’t be too out of character to have you in the future fighting a heretofore unnamed beastie and get caught in a time warp which would transport you back to our time. But you can’t tell you that you’re you, or you might destroy the space time continuum.
JOHN: Huh?
MIRANDA: Commander, really. Can we get a move on? (JANE reluctantly follows them outside. In the center of the dock, there is an enormous nightclub, AFTERLIFE, which has a hallway leading to the main entrance. A small gang of several batarians approaches them half way, snapping their fingers, forcing JOHN to respond to prove his coolness)JOHN: What are you looking at, fly eyes?
BATARIANS: I don’t know, what are you looking at, puny human?
JOHN: (Evil Grin) The fly eye whose day I’m about to ruin. (Draws gun)
BATARIANS: Hey now, we don’t want trouble!
JOHN: Well maybe I am. It looks like I’ve found some. You want to help me sort it out, or run home to your bug faced mothers?
BATARIANS: AAaaahhh! (JOHN keeps his gun trained on the fleeing gang, while JANE just shakes her head. They enter the busy nightclub, JOHN promptly orders a drink, downs it, and tips the bartender 50 credits.)JANE: That was… generous … of you, Johnny.
JOHN: Not really. It’s from your account.
JANE: Jerk. (They approach the guarded area in the back of the club, and are asked to wait while an imposing asari talks to a suited human)ASARI: Get out of my sight! And if you screw up this one, you’ll be the one waking up with the head of a Varren in your bed! (The beggar kisses the ASARI’s ring and then exits the nightclub as quickly as possible. The Asari motions for the Shepherds to approach but holds up a hand for them to pause while they are scanned)SCANNER: They’re clean
JANE: I’m guessing you’re not scanning for weapons, because I’m armed to the teeth here.
ARIA: You can’t be too careful with zombies. Though the super space grapevine did mention you were alive and back in business.
JANE: Where the heck are they getting their information? I just woke up 48 hours ago! Anyhow, are you the person to ask questions?
ARIA: Depends on your questions. And my mood. I may give you the wrong answers just to see you squirm. Because I’m bitchy like that.
JANE: You run this dump?
ARIA: I AM … (blinks then turns to face them with an annoyed look) Omega, It’s called Omega. End of the Greek alphabet anyone? And now you’ve ruined my first dramatic line. I don’t have many in this game, and you ruined it! Now ask me again!
JANE: Sorry. You run Omega?
ARIA: I AM OMEGA. You could call me the boss, the CEO, the queen if you’re feeling dramatic. It doesn’t matter. Omega has no designated ruler and only one rule: DON’T. F***. WITH. ARIA.
JANE: Whoa. This shit just got serious. Where’s Fox news when you need them?
JOHN: (suddenly interested) Who’s Aria?
ARIA: I am, dumbass.
JOHN: Oh. (Resumes admiring the dancers)
JANE: We’re here to find Mordin Solus, do you know where he is?
ARIA: Sure. He’s in the middle of war / plague zone where dying aliens have nothing better to do than shoot each other. I’ve been watching it on the video cameras. Damn fine television. And Mordin’s doing quite well for himself. Has a clinic and everything. Always liked Mordin. He’s as likely to shoot you as he is to heal you.
JANE: That’s an odd attitude for a Doctor.
ARIA: I guess that’s the way with brilliant doctors. They go a bit insane after awhile. Just bring earplugs. He can talk the suit off a quarian, that one.
JANE: Thank you.
ARIA: One moment. Both you and your trigger happy brother need to hear this.
JANE: What?
ARIA: I hear you make a habit of shooting up establishments just because it appeals to your skewed morals. You do that here, I’ll have you thrown out an airlock. Is that understood?
JANE: Perfectly. Johnny, you got it? (Instead of responding, JOHN’s eyes roll back in his head and he falls over unconscious. JANE throws him over her shoulder and takes him outside.)JOHN: What happened, I only had one drink!
TOTAL STRANGER: Looks like you broke the #1 rule on Omega.
JANE: Don’t F*** with Aria?
TOTAL STRANGER: Ok, #2 rule. I was trying to be dramatic. Exccuuuse me. The #2 rule is: Don’t order a drink at Afterlife if you’re human.
JOHN: They poisoned me!?
TOTAL STRANGER: Yep. Got my buddy too. You must be the first person to survive it. Do you run a lot?
JOHN: That and Mop. Thanks to this ungrateful sibling.
JANE: Are you ok?
JOHN: I’m fine, Madam Overlord. But I’m going to go give that bartender a taste of his own medicine.
JANE: No! We can’t just kill him! That’s not fair. At least give him a chance to explain himself!
JOHN: He’s going to die, one way or the other.
JANE: Let me talk to him first! (They re-enter the bar and approach the counter where JOHN got his drink)BARTENDER: Do I know you? Nawww. You puny humans all look the same. Here, have a drink on the house.
JANE: Like hell. This poisoning routine is over. I don’t know it got to be the #2 rule in Omega without your all seeing queen or co-workers noticing, but it stops here.
BARTENDER: Oh shit, it was you. How did you survive? I mean my poison was pretty damn strong
JANE: We’re zombies, and who knows what extra parts they put in John.
PASSING TURIAN: Did you say he was poisoning people? Son of a Bitch! (BANG, the TURIAN shoots the BARTENDER in the face)JANE: Why would yo…nevermind. Happy now, John?
JOHN: Much better, thank you. (Takes the BARTENDER’s wallet and tip jar)
JANE: Good, now let’s go pick up this scientist! (They can’t catch a shuttle, so they walk over to the apartment complex. As they walk up, they interrupt a guard and a resident arguing. JOHN is itching for a fight)RESIDENT: But all my stuff’s in there.
GUARD: Lady, you’re not getting in.
RESIDENT: Why not, humans can’t get the disease!
GUARD: Because even if they can’t, which hasn’t been proven yet, there are still two gangs trying to kill each other before the plague does, and neither of them like humans, least of all during a plague humans are believed to have orchestrated!
RESIDENT: But Why? (GUARD just rolls his eyes)
JOHN: We’re going in looking for Doctor Mordin Solus.
GUARD: Yeah, I know who he is, but I have orders.
JOHN: Screw your orders. I’ve been mostly dead for two years, demoted to janitor, and have recently been poisoned, I’m having a rotten day. Do you really want to be in my way?
GUARD: (Unlocks) Go right in.
RESIDENT: Hey, he gets in? Why not me?
GUARD: Because I’m practical. Four heavily armed and armored soldiers in a bad mood vs. one guard who still waiting for his lunch break does not create a happy equilibrium. And what am I gonna do, go after them? Hello! I’m a Turian?! Plague Zone?! INT:OMEGA SLUMS:NIGHT(JOHN leads the team past the guards until he spots a bank terminal. He attempts to hack in, but runs out of chances because he hits the wrong arrow key three times in a row. JANE continues past him and tries to administer aid to a dying batarian)DYING BATARIAN: Get back! (weakly tries to hold gun on JANE) You humans don’t even have the decency to let me finish dying before you rob me!
JANE: Do I look like I’m trying to rob you? I have my hand on my medigel dispenser.
DYING BATARIAN: Ha. And now you try to pretend you want to help me? Stay away, I want to suffer as much as possible. AUGH! (dying groan)
JANE: This genius must know Councilor Curly somehow. Only he was capable of such convoluted logic. (JOHN removes the now dead batarian’s wallet and they continue on their way, shooting a few VORCHA [gremlin things that have an annoying habit of regenerating health and coming back with flamethrowers] Eventually they find MORDIN’s Clinic. There is a pile of bodies in front of it and some high grade robots with guns pointed at them)JANE: This is the health clinic?
JOHN: This is why I hate doctors.
JANE: Why? Because of the enormous pile of bodies outside his door?
JOHN: No, because not one of them has an “I had a good time” sticker on them. What kind of Doctor is so cheap he doesn’t give out stickers?
JANE: You amaze me sometimes.
JOHN: Thank you.
JANE: … and then there are other times I wonder just how the hell we’re related. (They go into the clinic and are asked to wait in the waiting room. Three hours later, after JANE has finished the last ancient “Space Geographic” and JOHN has flipped through all the channels exactly 278 times, they are admitted to the Doctor’s Laboratory. )JANE: Doctor Solus?
MORDIN: (Startled) Who are you? Doesn’t matter, I will use deductive reasoning to determine your purpose. Heavily armed soldiers who somehow made it past my obvious warning signs without my being called to come and shoot the hell out of them. Probably want something. Oh wait. Everyone wants something. Money? Not in this neighborhood. Though there are a surprising number of bank terminals and spacious apartments in these “slums”. The leading male and female are related, based on the nose structure…
JOHN: ENOUGH! Listen to me you little dweeb, I’m having a rotten da…
MORDIN: A-hem. (Nods to the numerous Mechs around him bristling with weapons all aimed at JOHN). Perhaps you’d wish to rephrase?
JANE: What my idiot brother here is trying to say, Doctor, is that we need your help on a mission on a critical mission to save lives.
MORDIN: And you thought I might be free? Did you happen to notice anything on your way in here, like maybe the quarantine signs or the armed guards? Perhaps the piles of burning bodies escaped your notice. We’re not going anywhere. So who sent you, Cerberus?
JANE: Wow! How’d you guess that? Deductive reasoning?
MORDIN: Well, it helped that they have their logo on your armor.
JANE: (disappointed) Right.
MORDIN: I find it odd that Cerberus Operatives should show up in the middle of an obviously engineered plague that ignores humans, don’t you? You’ll excuse me if I don’t believe a word you’re saying.
JOHN: Man, if we were trying to kill all you aliens, why would we come here and ask for your help? Even I’m smart enough to know it’s easier to just blow you up.
MORDIN: Disturbing though his perspective is, the male twin has a point. So if not to kill me and destroy my cure, why are you here?
JANE: The Collectors are harvesting entire human colonies, and Cerberus has asked me to look into it, find out why they are doing it, and then stop them from doing it anymore.
MORDIN: Interesting. Aside from likelihood of Cerberus involvement, Collectors could feasibly accomplish the same feat. If so, I would be inclined to agree with you and follow you to annihilate them in return. Just one thing to do first, however, and that’s lift the quarantine by dispensing the cure. But there’s a gang of Vorcha in front, and a couple insane diseased Krogan inside, and I would like you to see about finding my assistant while you’re out there.
JOHN : Just once, I wish we could recruit somebody and they would say, “Sure, see on the ship later” but noooo. But now we have to go rescue this dweeb’s assistant and save the planet before he’ll agree to go with us? Could this get any more annoying? (The ventilation system fails)MORDIN: I believe that answers your question? And easily recruitable party members are what downloadable content is for!
JANE: Come on let’s go before you suck up all the air with your big mouth. (They travel down the exit hallway, and pause to investigate a sound coming from a side room.)JOHN: Maybe it’s another sick guy with a safe full of valuables. (They open the door, guns raised, and find the assistant DANIEL being held by three batarians. The RINGLEADER speaks)RINGLEADER: Your friend’s dead if you take another step!
JOHN: He’s not my friend and neither are you, bug face! (JOHN opens fire, killing the ringleader and setting off a firefight that wounds DANIEL)DANIEL: (In shock) You… killed them! Are you insane? They were going to negotiate! (motions to bloody wound) What if they had better aim? If I weren’t so woozy from blood loss, I’d kick your ass myself!
JANE: Don’t worry. He’ll pay for this. You’d be surprised how long it takes to get blood stains off armor.
JOHN: I hate you. I really do. (After dosing DANIEL with medigel and fighting a surprisingly well armed army of Vorcha, they arrive at the control center. The Lead Vorcha takes a moment to indulge in maniacal laughter before JOHN headshots him)JANE: Really? Are you in a hurry or something?
JOHN: This chapter of the story is way too long already. I’m just trying to speed things up. And besides, who doesn’t love a good headshot? (JANE shrugs, and they walk over to the air conditioning and pull a switch. How this switch knows what dosage to pump out or when to stop, the writers don’t tell us. But let’s assume it’s a space age air conditioner and knows when everyone is cured. The Team returns to MORDIN’s lab)DANIEL: Professor, I was very nearly killed! That maniac shot them while they had me at gunpoint! A split second later and I would be dead!
MORDIN: And probably not here badgering me about having your life saved. What do you want me to do about it? Stare at them and shame the male twin into apologizing? As you can see from his body language, this is unlikely to happen. Go write about it in your blog or something. Just go away!
JANE: Well, we held up our end of the bargain. Again. Ready to join the team?
MORDIN: Not quite yet. Still have to go pay protection money for the clinic. Now that you’ve killed the Vorcha, the gangs that run this place will want their due. And probably a brief chat about the teams I killed and displayed outside my clinic. Now that you mention it, I think it would be an excellent time to take a vacation. I can leave Daniel in charge. It will be interesting to see if he survives. So where do you want to go next?
JANE: I was thinking we could pick up the other guy on this crazy asteroid. Some Robin Hood type. It’s time we fulfilled one of John’s childhood dreams.
JOHN: (Excited) A threesome with an Asari and a Quarian?
JANE: No. Joining a gang. You can push as many people around as you want, just so long as you don’t kill the future party member. (JOHN smiles all the way back to the ship)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Sept 11, 2010 20:32:53 GMT 1
Sorry this has taken me so long to put up. Hopefully I'll find some way to expand on Garrus' character later on.
Mock Effect 2 Chapter 4: REAL Leather INT: OMEGA:AFTERLIFE CLUB: DAYJANE: Allright, we’ve upgraded what we can, we’re in armor that doesn’t immediately identify us as terrorists and I’m hesitantly about to let you take over Johnny. Just remember what the Asari said about shooting up her club, ok?
JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah. Tossed out an airlock into a scorpion pit. Whatever.
JANE: No, not whatever. I have no desire to spacewalk without a helmet.
JOHN: Fine. No shooting up the club. Aside from that, I’m in charge this time?
JANE: (Reluctantly) For now. Just try not to do anything too stupid, please…
JOHN: Then I’m bringing in Zaeed and… What’s her face… the hot chick. He can shoot, and I need to save her life again if I’m ever going to get lucky.
JANE: Yep… Psychopath and the Terrorist Spy… Not stupid at all.
JOHN: Hey, you said I was in charge.
JANE: Fine. Zaeed & Miranda it is then. (They enter the recruiting station for the Blue Suns. The CLERK is very busy)CLERK: Next! Hmm. Boy you guys are well prepared. Grenade launchers, machine pistols, is that a hand cannon? Looking for a fight are we?
JOHN: Ab-so-lutely.
JANE: (mutters) Doesn’t matter if we do, one always finds us.
CLERK: (Noticing Jane) Sorry honey, you’re in the wrong place, the stripper signups are across the way. (JANE just stares at him, mouth agape.)JOHN: I guess the stripper standards are a bit more lax out here. Go along then. (JANE draws her pistol and puts it under JOHN’s chin.)JOHN: Uh… nevermind? (JANE cocks pistol) uh… Sorry sis. I didn’t mean it. Please don’t blow my head off.
JANE: (Holstering Pistol) That’s better.
CLERK: Er…. Maybe not, then. Anyhow, the standard fee is 500 credits each. You get paid when the job’s done if you survive.
JANE: if we survive?
CLERK: (Ignoring her) If you do not survive, your friends will not collect your share, and anything left on your body will become the property of the quickest responding gang member. You’ll need your own armor and weapons. Please fill out these next of kin forms.
JANE: Wait a minute, you keep mentioning survival. Is there a high likelihood we’re going to die?
CLERK: Listen girlie, we’re funneling untrained morons across an unprotected space against an entrenched sniper. The chances of survival are next to nil. Ask the boss why if you want, but I have no clue. I’m just thrilled to have pulled recruitment duty today.
JOHN: Why all the fuss for this guy? I’m all for shooting someone in the face, but what’s one crusader going to do that’s worth a three gang cooperative to remove him?
CLERK: Everything he does pisses someone off. It’s catching up to him. If he’s not interrupting our initiation rituals, he’s interfering with our minor robberies. Last month he shot up our leading reform candidate. He sent a message saying that was a mistake; that we should still reform. By that time we weren’t interested.
JOHN: That’s a shame, it’s always annoying when you shoot the wrong people. Anyhow, where do we sign?
CLERK: Here, here and here. What kind of flowers do you want sent to your loved ones? The Blue Suns want you to know we care. Take a cab down to the hideout, you’ll get more “directions” there. It was nice knowing you! Next! (A KID walks in, waving a newish gun around)KID: Is this where I sign up for some action?
JOHN: Over there.
JANE: Aren’t you a little young?
KID: Yeah, but I make up for my lack of experience with enthusiasm! Down with Archangel! RAH RAH RAH!
JANE: This isn’t a pep rally, you imbecile. Here let me see your gun. (The KID hands it to her, boasting)KID: I got it for 50 credits at the pawn shop. Time to kick some ass! (JANE swiftly jams it with a broken heat sink.)JANE: There you go. Now if you try to fire it, it will blow up in your face, accomplishing your goal of suicide much more efficiently.
CLERK: Excuse me; I’m trying to run a business here! Can you take your moral lecture somewhere else? Next! (They exit the recruiting center, and start walking to the cab stand)JOHN: You said I was in charge.
JANE: When it comes to bad guys, sure. When it comes to stupid kids and virtual suicide, I make the rules. Sorry. Just think of it as less blood to clean off your armor.
JOHN: I hate you. INT: OMEGA: ARCHANGEL’S HIDEOUT: DAY(They take a cab to the hot zone, whereupon they are greeted by a polite batarian)BATARIAN: Good afternoon, and welcome to the Archangel annihilation zone. My name’s Salkie, I’ll be your guide for a few minutes. It looks like you came prepared.
JOHN: Yep. Now where’s the target? I’m looking forward to shooting his eyes out!
JANE: (whispers) We’re not trying to kill him Johnny… We’re trying to recruit him.
JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up, I’m having fun. So where’s the target?
SALKIE: Just follow the bodies, you can’t miss it. You’ll be acting as the distraction team, so the guys we’ve managed to sneak over there can get close enough to take him down.
JANE: How’d you get past his sniper fire?
SALKIE: We pinned him down with a gunship.
JOHN: You have a gunship, and he’s still up there?
SALKIE: Er… well, we kind of don’t have it anymore. He shot it down…
JOHN: Now that’s what I’m talking about! A real challenge.
JANE: So how many guys are attacking this lone sniper?
SALKIE: Three gangs worth, but instead of wasting manpower, we’ve been recruiting morons to run into his line of fire on the promise of cash if they succeed where the rest failed. It’s been tremendously entertaining.
JOHN: See, I told you. Everybody loves a good headshot.
SALKIE: Go see Sgt. Cathka. He’ll tell you when to go across.
JANE: Sure. (SALKIE leaves) Hold up guys, I want to look around a bit first. (They politely smile and nod and walk into the various gang HQ’s. Surprisingly, Archangel’s been nailing most of the Gang’s accountants, and with a little hacking skill, JANE picks up a not too shabby number of credits. In one alcove, there’s a huge “Big Daddy” robot like the one that nearly killed them on Freedom’s Progress. JANE fiddles with it for a moment then allows JOHN to take them over to SGT. CATHKA)JOHN: You Cathka?
CATHKA: (From behind engine) In a moment. I said I wasn’t taking calls! (Steps out) Oh… must have gone for coffee. What can I do to help you?
JOHN: We’re here to shoot Archangel.
CATHKA: That’s what you interrupted me for? Get in line. I’ll let you know when we’re ready, princess. Not like you could hit anything anyway.
JOHN: (Blinks) Princess? Princess?! Listen, you octopus, I can hit an four eyed nerd like you across a whole classroom! And believe me, I’ve had some big classrooms.
CATHKA: Whatever. Go whine to someone else, princess. (JOHN’s eye starts twitching. JANE pulls ZAEED and MIRANDA back. As they look on, JOHN takes the electric wrench spanner and shoves it into SGT. CATHKA’s equipment pack. The attack buzzer drowns out the noise of the electrocuted batarian. JANE ushers them into the line, and they start crawling towards Archangel’s lair.)JANE: I shouldn’t have let you do that.
JOHN: Princess…. Who’s the princess now, jerk? He deserved it.
JANE: Then again, he was repairing the gunship that could attack us later on.
JOHN: Yeah, that’s why I did it. Strategic planning, that’s me. So do you think Archangel will know it’s we’re here to help?
JANE: Think about it. You’ve been fighting off wave after wave of fighters for hours on end, so high on caffeine you could light up the citadel, and going just a bit crazy. Would you notice us?
ZAEED: Been there, done that. Goddam 4-hour energy drinks didn’t even make it for 2 and a half. At that point, it’s all slow moving blurs. Shoot the blurs, you live. That was a hell of a fight. (They all look at him in surprise. Their confused sentiments are cut short by a clang as JOHN is hit in the chest by a bullet)JOHN: (wheezing but angry enough to shout) We’re here to help you, you fricking moron! (The closest freelancer does a double take, then runs terrified back across the bridge. Taking out several more very surprised freelancers, they arrive at the door to the lair)JOHN: Archangel? Hello? (The Turian in front of them holds up a finger, and the team waits impatiently as he takes out the last remaining mercenary. He then turns to them and dramatically removes his helmet, revealing GARRUS VAKARIAN)JOHN: Oh shit. I’m out of here. Hey, guys, you can kill him now. We’re sorry!
JANE: Not so fast now. Maybe he’s not as boring as he used to be.
GARRUS: Guys, I’m right here. I can hear you. How come you aren’t dead?
JANE: We’re not… anymore… I think. I’ll explain it later.
JOHN: No thanks to you, Mr. I’ll-Shoot-My-Rescuers…
GARRUS: You were part of a heavily armed attack force that has spent the better part of the last few days trying to kill me. I was supposed to notice you were different? Thanks for shouting that out by the way, I got in a lot of shots at shocked mercs.
JANE: (dryly) No problem. No offense, but what the hell are you doing here? In Game 1 you at best a mediocre human shield, at worst, you were nearly killing hostages.
GARRUS: Don’t worry, I still do that, but I’ve picked up some new skills. I got tired of C-Sec and all it’s bureaucratic crap…
JOHN: Oh come on, not this again!
GARRUS: So I decided to come out here and lay waste to all the criminal lords in the area. Back at C-Sec, we never had decent sniper rifles.
JOHN: (suddenly paying attention) Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad. Shooting people interests me.
JANE: I don’t imagine that went over well.
GARRUS: Er… no. I’m throwing a major kink in their operations, not to mention the fragile local economy. But killing mercs is hard work. I’ve had to study up on gangland tactics. Would you believe that Eclipse uses cement shoes for disposing of undesirables? It’s all very impractical. Have you any idea how long cement takes to mold?
JANE: (mutters) Probably as long as it will take archaeologists to find our bodies. (aloud) How did you wind up with the name Archangel?
GARRUS: The locals gave it me for… for….(searching for a logical reason) all my good deeds. (JANE raises an eyebrow)GARRUS: (sigh) I don’t know. It just sounded badass. “The Punisher” was taken. I tried to call Wrex for some name ideas but he’s been very busy lately. Something about his new writing career.
MIRANDA: Well, if you three are finished with old home week over there, the robots climbing over the wall might need your attention.
JANE: Well it was polite of them to wait until we ran out of topics.
JOHN: Ooh, robots. Can I see? (GARRUS hands him the Sniper Rifle. JOHN headshots a robot, exploding it in the middle of its compatriots. JANE, MIRANDA, and ZAEED join in, leaving nothing but spare parts lying around.)GARRUS: I’m just going to take a nap on the couch over here. You guys keep up the good work. (Immediately falls asleep)
JOHN: Jackass. He thinks withstanding a siege for days on end gives him an excuse to nap?
JANE: Well… remember the Alamo! Let’s get ready to fight!
MIRANDA: As I recall, that siege ended in the few survivors being massacred.
JANE: Miranda, work with me here. It’s catchy. Readers like catchy. “Remember That Time Nobody Died” just doesn’t carry the same sort of emotion. (They are interrupted from discussing various slogans by the arrival of the “Big Daddy” robot. JOHN, MIRANDA, and ZAEED all shrink back.)JANE: (Standing up) This should be interesting. Anybody want popcorn?
JOHN: Are you nuts? The last time we saw one of those things, it nearly killed us!
JANE: This one won’t. Look, it’s wiping out all the Eclipse troops. Incidentally, does anyone know why they quit hiring freelancers and are sending valuable gang members into battle? (JOHN gets up and looks out, equally puzzled. They applaud as the last gang member manages to blow the Big Daddy’s head off, but is killed in the ensuing explosion. JANE goes to wake up GARRUS)JANE: Hey, Garrus, they’re gone!
GARRUS: (sleepily) No, the Punisher doesn’t take bribes. Go tell the Blood Pack I said hello…
JANE: (Shaking him) Garrus, they’re gone! Wake up, we can leave now!
GARRUS: (One eye open) Listen, Shepard, I don’t know whether you can count or not, but there were three gangs out there. Have you fought off three gangs?
JANE: No… But you should have seen how I reprogrammed that Big Daddy robot.
GARRUS: Uh huh. Wake me up when you wipe them all out. I’ve had a rough week, I’m going back to sleep now.
JOHN: Well, that was helpful. Not. At least I’ll be able to shoot something. (They hear an explosion from below them)JANE: What was that?
ZAEED: An explosion below us. Don’t you pay attention to the Goddam narrator?
JANE: Thanks Zaeed. I suppose we should check it out… John, you stay up here and shoot the bridge people. Try to make sure they don’t shoot Garrus. (Garrus starts snoring)
JOHN: Fine. Have fun down there. (JANE & team walk into the basement. Apparently, Garrus’ method of locking his basement off consisted of a few rather flimsy looking garage doors. They close the doors, shoot a few Vorcha, and head back upstairs. Unsurprisingly, the Blood Pack gang has gotten around the doors and is swarming the place. However they aren’t expecting Archangel to have help, and all the minions are easily beaten. All that’s left is one Boss Krogan)KROGAN: RAHHH! You think you can attack me, Archangel? In my own home? Well, let’s see how you like it! (Krogan uses shotgun to blast the couch that Garrus is lying on. Nothing happens. Then, the sound of Garrus’ snoring is heard. JOHN rejoins the team and they all fire at once, wiping out the Krogan. JANE tries to wake up Garrus again)JANE: Come on, you idiot wake up! You just survived a shotgun blast to the back of your head; I’d think you’d want to get up now!
GARRUS: (mutters sleepily) Go ahead… make my day. The Punisher is tougher than all the monkeys on Eletania….
JANE: (Slaps him) Enough!
GARRUS: (yawning) What is it now? That was a good dream!
JANE: We’ve shut your garage doors downstairs, and wiped out this huge Krogan right behind you. He shot up your couch, but it doesn’t have the slightest mark!
GARRUS: Yeah. Designed that myself. When I wasn’t wiping out hideouts, I fiddled with some upholstery. Not very good though. Heavy as hell. Have you wiped out the third gang yet?
JANE: Well…. No. But you were nearly shot in the head, I figured you’d want to be woken up now.
GARRUS: Right. Exactly. Good work… (dozes off again)
JANE: OK then. I suppose I’d still be tired too.
JOHN: Useless Turian. How did he ever get all these people mad at him?
ZAEED: Maybe he slept on a Goddam public bench. (While discussing their xenophobic problems with Turians, JOHN & ZAEED are interrupted by a huge gunship blowing out all the windows. The whole team ducks behind Garrus’ couch. The gunship then moves away, allowing them to take on the landing troops piece by piece. They run downstairs to take out the last squad. The gunship reappears upstairs, and fires point blank at the couch where GARRUS is still dozing. The bullets still don’t pierce the strange upholstery, but the pressure they exert turns the couch over, making it land on top of GARRUS. Blue blood is seen and we’re led to believe he is seriously wounded.)JANE: GARRUS! Come on guys!
JOHN: (as they run) I thought I wiped this thing out by electrocuting that guy.
JANE: Guess not.
JOHN: Well, we can remedy that… (JOHN turns on his incendiary ammo and shoots the Gunship’s fuel tanks. It explodes leaving several very sharp pieces of shrapnel sticking out of various surfaces. JANE runs to GARRUS’ side. JOHN starts unlocking his safe. GARRUS takes a ragged breath. Dramatic music plays.)INT: NORMANDY: NIGHT(JANE & JOHN & JACOB are all standing around a conference table, JACOB is speaking)JACOB: Commanders, we’ve done what we could for Garrus, but he took a bad hit…
JANE: Waaaaait a minute. Hold everything. How did we get here? One second ago we were trapped in an isolated part of a gang planet/asteroid with a severely wounded compatriot and tons of pissed off gang members between us and the exit. How are we back on the ship now? Why is the Armory head giving me a medical report? And why don’t we have any chairs?
JACOB: You don’t remember? The gang members all fled before your awesomeness, the supermedigel in your pack saved Garrus’ life, I traded reporting duties for night watch with Dr. Bastillasmother, and Cerberus figured you’d prefer to stand up or lean on your elbows.
JOHN: Now that’s my kind of reporting! Fled before my awesomeness!
JANE: Fine. Whatever. Idiot writers.
JACOB: Can I finish my report now? I have to go polish the galactic map stand for Yeoman Chambers.
JANE: Proceed.
JACOB: As I was saying, he took a bad hit. He’s going to have back pain for a long time. That couch was heavy. Also, the way he landed broke his neck armor, so it looks like he got shot. I don’t think Tim will approve new armor for a Turian, so you’d better get used to it. (GARRUS walks in, rubbing his neck gently. JACOB salutes and leaves)GARRUS: (Yawning) Did I miss anything? Wait… how did I get here? Last I remember I had a couch on top of me.
JOHN: We already did that joke.
GARRUS: Oh. Well that sucks. So what do I do now?
JANE: I guess you’re recruited.
GARRUS: Recruited for what? I was having a blast down there on Omega.
JOHN: Saving the Galaxy.
GARRUS: Again?
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Post by Clint Johnston on Sept 20, 2010 6:33:39 GMT 1
A shorter chapter this time, Jack's recruitment is more action than story. Still, I think it came out well.Mock Effect 2
Chapter 5: You Don’t Know Jack[/u] INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAY[/b] (After having a delicious bowl of ramen served by Mess Sergeant GARDNER, JANE decides to talk to some of the crew to see if the writers came up with any more bad jokes about Krogan testicles. Since GARRUS had that line in the first game, she starts at the main batteries, where Garrus is “calibrating” something.)JANE: Have you got a minute Garrus?
GARRUS: I suppose I do. Though I don’t have many, because of all these calibrations I have to do on the guns you will only fire once during the entire game. And if you don’t upgrade them, they’ll kill somebody to add tension to finale. Needless to say, they need a lot of work.
JANE: Fascinating. So what happened on Omega? You said you had a team, but it looked like you had plenty of time to spend upholstering those super-couches.
GARRUS: Well, I got them killed. I’m not sure how. I blame the guy who saved my life by making me leave right before it happened. If only I’d chosen more renegade options, he would have been more afraid to cross me.
JANE: Wow… that’s … um… depressing. What did you guys do?
GARRUS: Well, we formed a close knit group which beat the daylights out of anybody who encroached on our territory. We also spent a lot of time snapping our fingers and looking menacing.
JANE: How is that any different from any other gang?
GARRUS: Easy. We didn’t shake down businesspeople or kill innocents. We robbed the protection rackets and shot up the amateur gangs of kids who objected to our taking away their livelihood. It was a blast.
JANE: I’m sure. How did you get three major gangs of mercenaries angry enough to attack you on your home ground and abandon elementary siege techniques?
GARRUS: That? Oh that was by accident. Apparently one of the kids we killed was the younger brother of gang leaders, and the other two really objected to our hijacking their operations budgets. How was I supposed to know? There was no sign saying “Please do not hack into our private accounts” anywhere!
JANE: I see.
GARRUS: My old boss at C-sec would have been proud of me. Of course, I think he was already proud. He gave me the idea, you know. Even paid for my trip to Omega. Almost everyone in C-sec came to wish me a safe trip. They were all crying and whooping. Whooping is human gesture of grief, right?
JANE: (Cautiously) at times.
GARRUS: I thought so. That’s why I have to kill Sidonis!
JANE: Wait… what? We were talking about you and your team… who the hell is Sidonis?
GARRUS: The man who’ll die for crossing me.
JANE: This is getting weird. I’m leaving now.
GARRUS: It’s just as well. I have some calibrations to do. (Shaking her head, JANE goes around the corner to MIRANDA’s office, hoping some female solidarity will justify her faith in reality. Miranda is steadily typing away at something. Jane starts to ask her what, but thinks better of it.)MIRANDA: Can I help you, Shepherd?
JANE: I’ve just been to see Garrus. I needed to talk to someone to verify that everyone I know is not an idiot.
MIRANDA: I know just what you mean. Of course I was genetically engineered to be smart.
JANE: (Relaxing) That’s good to hear…
MIRANDA: Of course, that was done entirely by my power-obsessed father, who created me in a test tube.
JANE: (Facepalm) Oh, brother. (Sigh) OK, I’ll bite. And this crazy back-story relates how?
MIRANDA: Well I have major self esteem issues despite being a total babe with superpowers and high intelligence. It makes me more vulnerable, and allows a barest minimum of logic to the romance achievement.
JANE: Yeah… I can see how that would trip anybody up. (To MIRANDA) I mean, what was he thinking?
MIRANDA: Exactly. That’s why I ran away from a life of leisure where I had all the money in the world. I didn’t want to be pawn to his egomaniacal arrogance.
JANE: So you went to work for Tim?? Oh right, that’s a world of difference. Tim would never dream of using you as a tool to carry out his selfish plans.
MIRANDA: (Oblivious) Absolutely. And that’s why I’m so utterly loyal to Cerberus.
JANE: Hmm. I don’t suppose any encouragement I could offer would make you realize how ridiculous that sounds?
MIRANDA: Not at this stage in the game, no. Try me after a few random missions.
JANE: Right then. Off to go recruit somebody else. Maybe this time we’ll get somebody who isn’t completely batshit insane. (JANE takes the elevator back up to the CIC, and meets JOHN waiting by the doors)JOHN: I’m bored.
JANE: Did you clean the bathrooms? (JOHN holds up a dirty scrub brush.)JANE: Fine. Where would you like to go next? After the Krogan Warlord or the Convicted Murderer?
JOHN: Oooh. Krogan Warlord.
JANE: Convicted Murderer it is then. INT: PURGATORY: DOCKING BAY: DAY(JOKER parks the ship without getting into any shouting matches with the traffic controllers. JANE brings JOHN, GARRUS, and JACOB with her. They enter the docking area and are confronted by a guard.)GUARD: Welcome to Purgatory, folks. If you’ll please hand over all your weapons, we’ll see about taking care of you.
JANE: Why would you … (Interrupted)
JOHN: I’ll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want me to put it, jackass? (The GUARD and his buddies aim their assault rifles at JOHN. JANE, GARRUS, and JACOB all back away slowly. JOHN grins a malevolent little smile. WARDEN KURIL interrupts them, breaking the tension.)WARDEN: Stand down. There’s no need to be shooting them before they pay their bill, boys. Besides we just cleaned up this lobby from the last “extraction team.” Now if you people will follow me, I will make it clear exactly how useless your weapons are. (They follow the WARDEN reluctantly, and observe the facility while he makes a very familiar speech about dealing with criminals. GARRUS & JOHN applaud. JACOB raises his hand with a question)JACOB: If you’re such a nice guy getting rid of the galaxy’s problems, why spend all this money keeping them alive?
WARDEN: I’m glad you asked that question. As you can guess from my mercenary uniform, I’m not affiliated with noble causes anymore, and found that people will pay a lot of money to solve a problem, and even more to keep that problem far, far away.
JANE: That’s blackmail!
JOHN: That’s genius!
WARDEN: Some of both. I have to sacrifice some income every once in a while by blowing somebody out the airlocks, but overall it’s a great system, and my suicidally loyal guards make the situation quite livable.
JANE: How can you do this to people? What have they ever done to you?
WARDEN: Hmm, well let’s see. There’s the insane batarian who tried to smash an asteroid into a planet which would have killed everyone on it. There’s the self-proclaimed “lord” who killed innocent miners and tried to blackmail the Alliance. There’s the human instigator of the Skyllian Blitz, who blew up a planet with a nuclear bomb awhile back. Not to mention we also have the guy who “discovered” the Jonas brothers.
JANE: Enough, I get it. Paragon options aren’t making much sense here. These guys deserve it.
JOHN: Hey look, they’re beating a prisoner, can I watch?
WARDEN: Go ahead. I’ll be back in a minute, as soon as I have your cash in my account. (They approach the cell. JOHN follows the action intently, while JANE vacillates on whether or not to stop it. Finally she interrupts the show)JANE: What did he do?
GUARD: Murdered some people, then ate their bodies. Idiot tried to cop an insanity plea.
JANE: Should you really be beating him like that?
GUARD: Depends. Should you really be asking paragon questions when you’re here to buy a convicted murderer to help you do errands?
JANE: I suppose not.
GUARD: Then stop judging our extortion racket/prison. This is merely the developers trying to seem hip by bringing up a current events topic. They lost sight of the storyline before you ever got on board. (JANE walks a bit further and is accosted by a prisoner)780: Please please please buy me! I promise not to slit your throat for…. at least an hour!
JANE: Sorry, fella, I can only afford to bring this Jack character with me.
780: Jack? What are you, fricking insane? JACK? (Pauses)
JANE: Yes?
780: I really don’t have anything else to say. I’m supposed to build up suspense to the debut of the diminutive psychotic superwoman, but Bioware already gave away the secret in every trailer they’ve released so far…
JANE: Sucks to be you.
780: Have fun storming the Galaxy! (JANE hauls JOHN away from the torture chamber, and they walk into a waiting room. They are directed to the door at the far side. However the room it opens to looks a little fishy)JACOB: It’s just an elevator.
GARRUS: Elevators are liabilities. We never used the ones at C-sec. We climbed up the shafts in our magna-boots.
JOHN: It almost looks like…
JANE: a self-contained modular unit. What the hell?
WARDEN: (Over loudspeaker) For some reason, Cerberus thought I was just going to take their word for it that their terrorist organization wants the services of one of my most terrifying prisoners merely to help save a few colonists? Do I look like a moron? Don’t answer that. I might have taken that deal, except that I can make way more money selling you instead. Now if you’ll kindly put your weapons down and take a seat in the cell, we’ll be sure to only torture you when we feel like it.
JOHN: You son of a bitch! I thought you were a genius! Now you’re gonna find out you’re just another dead moron who messed with me! (They all look at JANE for a paragon response)JANE: Actually, I’m good with what he said. (Battle ensues, and the ridiculously loyal guards throw themselves into the aggrieved team’s rain of fire. The fight leads them to the prison floor and JANE stops suddenly, pondering what to do. JOHN doesn’t see her and rams into her back, knocking her into a bunch of fancy controls. They watch in amazement as entire cell block opens. The guards who were previously demonstrating the methods of torture quickly form vastly different opinions on the topic) JOHN: I always wanted to see a prison riot… but not when it was between me and the exit.
JANE: Who’s that coming up dramatically out the ice chamber? (They examine a diminutive bald woman covered in tattoos but wearing very little clothing. Her eyes flash open and they all step back a little bit. JANE starts to introduce herself, but is interrupted by a whooshing sound not unlike a freight train. She turns back to the pod, but no one is there.)JANE: Crap. Now we have to find her.
GARRUS: What happened?
JACOB: More importantly, where did those three wrecked Big Daddies come from?
JOHN: (Growling) Time to kick some ass. (They follow JACK’s very wide path through the ship, picking up a few upgrades along the way. JOHN picks the dead guard’s pockets, and they are all feeling quite relaxed by the time they get to the final fight room. The WARDEN is cowering behind a super shield that apparently will let bullets out but not in.)WARDEN: Ha ha ha ha! Can’t get me now! I can fight you all off!
JANE: You do realize that your little self contained modular unit of a prison is getting blown out the airlock?
WARDEN: Yes, But I’m behind an invisible shield! Ha ha ha ha! (JOHN steps out and fires three grenades in three different directions blowing up the thoroughly unshielded generators)JOHN: Not anymore! (The text of what exactly happened to the WARDEN following his shield’s failure has been lost. Suffice it to say that some of the prisoners were very creative.)(The team follows JACK down a nearly empty corridor. She is clearly disturbed. She throws a dazed guard into a window, starting a very large crack. She starts to throw another biotic punch at it, but JOHN tackles her)JANE: Are you nuts? That’s space out there! You break that glass, we all die! (JOHN goes flying by into the nearest piling. He staggers to his feet in awe)JOHN: What a woman! Ow… (Slumps back down again)
JACK: That better?
JANE: Damn, I wish I could do that. (To JACK) We’re here to offer you a job.
JACK: Hmm. Why should I accept? What’s in it for me?
JANE: Well, for one thing, you get out of prison. For another, you get to blow shit up. Lastly, and I hate to rush your decision, but that glass is cracking quite a bit, and I’ve had enough of the vacuum of space to last me a lifetime.
JACK: Those are good starting points. How do I know you’ll pull through?
JANE: You don’t. But at the rate that glass is splintering, I’d agree to give you a fricking nuke, just as long as we can get the hell out of this hallway!
JACK: I’ll also need a few bits of information and you to perform a side quest for me.
JANE: Done! Let’s go! (TIME WARP: Spontaneously, JANE & MIRANDA are in the chair-less conference room debriefing JACK.)JANE: (Looking up) Again? Really? I know you can’t put everything in cut scenes, but the least you could do is show us pulling away!
MIRANDA: (to JACK) I’m Miranda, I’m Shepherd’s second in command, and I will be grumpy and uncooperative with you because I consider your rough, open sexuality a threat to my previous superiority.
JACK: Whatever. Go fuck yourself.
JANE: (Facepalm) Why me? What did I do? Oh that’s right, I died. Is this Hell? (Refocuses) What information from Cerberus did you want Jack?
JACK: They conducted vicious experiments on me as a child, but all I want to do now that I have their extremely expensive project in the palm of my hand is read up on my history. (Charming smile)
JANE: (Blanches) Oh shit. I take back all the nasty things I said about Zaeed…
JACK: (Waggles fingers over her shoulder in a girly wave) Later, Shepherd….
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Post by Clint Johnston on Oct 4, 2010 7:38:36 GMT 1
Finally! Done chapter 6. I don't know how long it took Mr. Buch to come up with ME1, but have patience with me on ME2. Next chapter will be about HorizonMock Effect 2
Chapter 6: Charge of the Krogan Brigade
INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: NIGHT(A beaten and bruised JOHN SHEPHERD runs out of the elevator. He grins, revealing several missing teeth. He spots JANE SHEPHERD chatting with the Doctor. Grabbing her shoulder he points excitedly behind him into the darkness of the elevator)JOHN: Well? Can I keep it? Can I? Can I?!
JANE: What … the … hell? (Six hours earlier)INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY(JANE is walking around the ship, checking things off a notepad. She pauses in the chairless office, sighs, and then enters the armory, checking off the “Talk to Jacob” marker en route.)JANE: How are you doing, Jacob?
JACOB: Oh, Shepherd, I didn’t see you there. Want to clean a gun? I’ve cleaned this one weapon 643 times so far. Don’t know about the others, but this one is clean.
JANE: How about just talking for a bit?
JACOB: Why?
JANE: Why not?
JACOB: Well, I sort of got the impression that you didn’t like me or my methods.
JANE: More like you’re a puzzle. Why would an otherwise intelligent man go to work for an evil terrorist organization without being forced into it?
JACOB: I told you, I was unhappy with the way the Alliance solved problems.
JANE: So you joined an organization known for murdering innocents to “solve problems?”
Those had better have been some giant freaking problems.
JACOB: Well, I saved the council from a gas attack by batarians, boinked Miranda, and stood guard over your body for two years. But most of that was covered in the Iphone game.
JANE: Right. Silly of me. Sleeping with an insecure woman, saving a power-hungry cabal of aliens, and sitting on your ass for two years, definitely worthy causes.
JACOB: What’s an honest soldier to do?
JANE: Go back to soldiering maybe? Or hell, go all Robin Hood on Omega or something like Garrus did. But join Cerberus? I’m only here because they brought me back from the dead and I haven’t been given the conversation option to leave yet.
JACOB: Are you talking to me for a reason, Shepherd? Because I’m single if that’s what you want to know.
JANE: What? Ew. No. Uh-uh. No way.
JACOB: Are you being racist? Because earth is all one culture now, you shouldn’t be picky.
JANE: No. You’re just a poorly written character with a very illogical backstory. Let’s go back to comfortably ignoring each other.
JACOB: But I could be persuaded with hours of pointless conversation and shameless flirting to take my shirt off!
JANE: I should go. (JANE starts towards the Galaxy map to begin the “Warlord” retrieval mission, but is interrupted by MORDIN)MORDIN: If I might have word with you, Commander?
JANE: Sure, Mordin, what’s up? Everything alright at your old clinic?
MORDIN: Not sure. Blue Suns not known for altruistic support of impoverished. Have probably set up H.M.O. Not my problem now. Anyhow wanted to ask you for favor.
JANE: Sure, what do you need?
MORDIN: I would like permission not to go on missions involving Krogan. Like next one, for example. Bad blood between species.
JANE: Why not? You showed you could handle yourself on Omega.
MORDIN: Er… I can’t say.
JANE: You bring me in here and beg not to go on Krogan missions, and then won’t tell me why? What did you do, invent the Genophage?
MORDIN: Er… Yes. Sort of. Necessary.
JANE: What? Wait a minute. Didn’t they do that a hundred years ago during the Krogan rebellions?
MORDIN: Yes. But Krogan started recovering, so special team and I created newer better version of it.
JANE: Why? Why destroy a civilization?
MORDIN: Wasn’t destroying. Was stabilizing. Unchecked Krogan population likely leads to war. How many friendly krogan have you known?
JANE: One… and John almost shot him… but you can’t kill people! It’s not right!
MORDIN: Not killing. Preventing deaths. Always thinking long term.
JANE: So let me get this straight. A) On my loony bin of a ship I not only have a psychopath, a profiteer, a spy, a vigilante, and a … whatever Zaeed is … I also have a mad scientist who sees himself responsible for galactic stability? And B) My options when talking to this mad scientist are to accept genocide or support another possible krogan rebellion? (Looking up) Why me?
MORDIN: Are you still talking to me? Am confused.
JANE: Damn writers. I’ll deal with this nonsense later. I’m sure some there’ll be a side quest into this plotline somewhere. (JANE grabs JOHN from his less than enthusiastic efforts at dusting, and together with MIRANDA & ZAEED shuttle down to the planet)EXT: KORLUS: DAYJANE: OK, people. This is how it’s going to work. We’re going to go in quickly, quietly, and without any fuss
JOHN: Screw that! Let’s go find us a krogan! (JOHN runs off into the distance with JANE shouting obscenities and coming along behind him. MIRANDA & ZAEED shrug and follow them. By the time everyone has slowed down again, JOHN is standing in the wreckage of an observation post over the prone form of the slowest surprised mercenary.)JANE: Look, you! When I said quickly and quietly, I meant quickly and quietly! Now we’ll have an uphill fight the rest of the way!
MERCENARY: I’ll talk I’ll talk! Okeer is …
JANE: You, shut up! You, get over here right now or so help me I’ll go recruit Tali and bunk her with you!
MERCENARY: Blue suns … Jedore … Army!
JOHN: You wouldn’t.
MERCENARY: Crazy Krogan! Charging! All the time!
JANE: Try me.
MERCENARY: Old Krogan… Releasing
JANE: I said shut up! (Shoots ground near the Mercenary) if we needed exposition from you, we would have asked for it. Now that Rock’em-sock’em here has warned your buddies, all we have to do is follow the bodies. You’ll probably be the only survivor. Have fun!
MERCENARY: (crawling off) Shit shit shit.
JANE: John! In front! Go! I hope someone shoots your balls off! (As predicted, the bodies of the few mercenaries stupid enough to stick around for the Krogan live ammo training guide the team to secluded spot where they come upon a confused looking Krogan. It stares at them)MIRANDA: (to Krogan) My eyes are up here.
JOHN: Who cares?
KROGAN: Are you … my mother?
JANE: No. Any idea where I can find an ancient Krogan and/or overly ambitious gang leader?
KROGAN: Not here … to give directions. Here … to survive. And give … bad Darth Vader impression.
ZAEED: Very nice. Now where’s the Goddam warlord?
KROGAN: Through … door. Are … you sure … you don’t want … explanations?
JANE: Positive. This is another “run-the-course-shoot-what-bad-guys-pop-up” level. Boring, but fairly simple. Can you move that door over there?
KROGAN: I … Can. But … cannot go … through. must … stay here… and …
JOHN: Yeah yeah, fine. Just move the door. (They walk through the new opening, only to discover that there are about 100 annoyed krogan on the other side, and they aren’t being distracted by Miranda’s jumpsuit. In an effort to relive the uselessness of a specific mounted brigade during the Crimean war, the Krogans charge headlong into the team’s fire, 400 incendiary clips later, the team breaks through and stops to breathe)JANE: Holy crap! Where the devil did they come from? Anyone ever seen anything like that?
ZAEED: Seen anything like that? I Goddam led one. Goddam lot of motivation, that, a hundred shouting Krogan behind you. You either kept going or they did. (The team all look at ZAEED strangely. Proceeding down the body trail, they practice the basic “hide-behind-stuff” method of defense that apparently hasn’t made it into the Blue suns training manual yet. Finally they come to an empty room. Entirely unbidden, an Asari pops up from behind a crate.)RANA: Augh! Don’t kill me. I’m here on a mercenary planet fiddling with the Krogan Genophage again, but this time I’m just helping people!
JANE: Don’t I know you?
JOHN: She’s a survivor from Virmire. Must have found a lead lined fridge…
JANE: How do you remember this stuff, John?
JOHN: I remember the face of each person I threaten. It makes me feel better when I’m blue.
JANE: Of course. I forgot they removed your soul on birth. (To Asari) Go on, get out of here. See you in Mock Effect 3. (Calls after her) Oh! And have a good reason for being here next time. (They proceed into a very empty room with a Krogan fiddling on a computer in the corner.)JANE: Dr. Okeer I presume?
OKEER: Oh come on! That joke is older than I am, and I’m over 1000 years old. Zombies like you should be more polite.
JOHN: Listen, jerkwad, if we wanted your opinion, we’d ask for it!
OKEER: Um… But isn’t that why you’re here? To recruit me for a secret mission that I seem to know all about already?
JANE: Listen, we know you may have problem’s working with us since we destroyed the cure to your genetic problems on Virmire, but we could really use your … your … your personality on the Normandy. We don’t have a krogan yet, and no universal mission is complete without one!
OKEER: Oh, I don’t mind that at all. I’ve done far worse myself. But then I’m old, and I’m krogan. I didn’t get here by being polite.
ZAEED: Goddam right! Now how about getting your arse back on our bleedin’ ship?
OKEER: Not so fast. I can’t go without my prototype. (gestures to tank, which contains another tube krogan).
JANE: Fine. Let’s go.
OKEER: I don’t believe you heard me correctly… (raises voice) I said… I CAN’T GO WITHOUT MY PROTOTYPE (There is a crashing noise outside, and a muffled curse. OKEER just shakes his head sadly)JEDORE: Oh … um… right… er …I figured out who’s been releasing krogan on us! The Guy in the lab we’ve been paying to clone Krogan! How could he betray us? And now we have to deal with commandos who have practiced “Hiding-behind-stuff”? That’s just not fair! Now we’ll have to abandon our base and go start over somewhere. Gas these commandos!
OKEER: That … woman! She’ll destroy my legacy! Shepards, you want me on your team for genetic diversity? Kill her! I’ll stay here and do what has to be done.
JANE: Really? You want to stay here and die of asphyxiation? Because we could just leave either of these giant doors open, or break the huge glass window, and it would be a moot point.
OKEER: No, no. That would be cheating. Besides, I wasn’t in any of the commercials, he was. (Jerks thumb at tank)
JANE: Well alright… Your funeral. (Resisting her better judgment, JANE closes the door behind her and goes out to fight Jedore. It takes awhile, as people who are planning their own army tend to have a few extra resources on hand. Still, they eventually are able to bring her down and limp back up to the lab chamber, where predictably enough OKEER is dead.)OKEER: Shepard.
JANE: AUGH! HE’S a zombie! RUN!
OKEER: You gave me the time I needed to … to… check my e-mail one last time. I can never thank you enough, even if you were a bit naggy about the breathing thing. Please take my prototype with you. He … is … perfect. Damn… should have broken … windoooo…[dead]
JOHN: It’s just a recording. So… a perfect Krogan eh? Hmmm
JANE: Now stop that. We’re not opening it. This giant test tube is going to be locked in the cargo hold, if only because I don’t want this entire mission to have been a huge waste of time. Give it to Timmy to play with. See if he likes changing a Baby Krogan’s diaper…. (TIME WARP: Back on the ship, JANE goes to take a nap, warning JOHN not to get into trouble. He immediately heads down to the cargo deck. After some fiddling and cursing, he gets the door open)JOHN: Hello, big fellow…
EDI: Commander Shepherd, you shouldn’t be down here.
JOHN: Quiet or I’ll tell everyone what you & Joker have really been up to.
EDI: I’m a computer, what could we be up to?
JOHN: You managed well enough with Doctor Gaius though, didn’t you? (EDI vanishes. JOHN pushes the button. The tank empties and the Krogan falls out on his knees. Suddenly, consciousness seized, he rams JOHN full force into the wall.)KROGAN: Before you die, I need a name.
JOHN: CENSORED FOR BEING SO CRUDE EVEN THE JACKASS PEOPLE WOULDN’T DO IT
KROGAN: Really, you can do that? With a? Wow. But that doesn’t answer my question.
JOHN: I’m your fricking boss, my name’s Shepherd, and you’d better put me down immediately or else!
KROGAN: Not your name, Mine!
JOHN: Psh… like I care. Heyyou works for me. You have a shotgun, right?
KROGAN: That won’t do… need something short… George? Dick? Tom?
JOHN: (grunts in frustration) Let me go or I’ll call you “That-guy-I-shot-in-the-cargo-hold”
KROGAN: Ah-ha! That noise… a grunt… perfect! My name is now Grunt.
JOHN: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Now let me the hell down!
GRUNT: I’m sorry, but no. I’m going to have to kill you now, to prove my worth.
JOHN: (growling) You can try… (A fight ensues, JOHN gets a lucky shot into Grunt’s gut. He yields and allows JOHN to take him up the medical deck. Having a dead pet Krogan is as much fun as He spies JANE talking to the Doctor. Grabbing her shoulder he points excitedly behind him into the darkness of the elevator)JOHN: Well? Can I keep it? Can I? Can I?!
JANE: What … the … hell? I specifically told you not to open that thing! It’s a menace, and liable to blow up the boat! Krogan just can’t be trusted!
JOHN: We trusted Wrex!
JANE: You and Ashley SHOT Wrex! (Momentarily stymied, JOHN pauses. Meanwhile, GRUNT steps out into the light. Wound notwithstanding, he is very very big. JANE gulps.)JOHN: But you let the naked biotic chick on!
JANE: That … was different
GRUNT: (looking down) How?
JANE: Fine. You can keep him. But he makes a mess, you’re cleaning up after him! Your first job is to mop up this blood all over the floor. And no more shooting each other!
JOHN: WOOHOOO!! (GRUNT falls over from blood loss. It takes half the crew and some inventive uses of wheels and levers to get him into the medical bay)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Oct 13, 2010 20:56:51 GMT 1
Thanks for your patience everybody! Next chapter will be the visit to the Citadel!Mock Effect 2
Chapter 7: Giant Cockroaches with Freeze Rays
INT: ENGINEERING DECK: DAY(JANE is following up on crew interviews. She starts with the technicians hanging around)JANE: Hello there! I’ve just come down to make sure everything is in working order.
SCOTTISH VOICE: About damn time. Why didn’t you buy those clamps we passed up the chain for?
JANE: You mean the ones our Janitor / Cook asked for? I figured he’d been eating his own cooking and was slightly nuts. You guys do know you can ride upstairs right?
SYMPATHETIC VOICE: It’s all right, Commander. He’s just grumpy because he’s a poorly explained caricature of Scotty from Star Trek. I’m Lt. Gabriella Daniels, and this is … well you’re just going to call him Scotty anyway.
JANE: Well hello to both of you. Aside from the clamps what are you two up to?
SCOTTY: Well, aside from talking to nosy commanderrs, we’rre trryin’ to rune a gigantic engine with just two people to man the consoles. The original Norrmandy was half the size and she had at least 4 enginneerring crew on the clock at all times. We’rre ruunning a bit ragged, boot if you want, we could prretend to play you at some poker.
JANE: Nevermind. You two just keep at it. I’ll see if I can drag some of the gossipers from upstairs down here to help. I really don’t care about how one of my idiot crew got an appointment with the Consort / has family on the wiped out planets. (JANE walks down the hall to ZAEED’s room, where JOHN is sitting in rapt attention listening to ZAEED tell a story)ZAEED: … so then we kidnapped a local girl, strapped grenades on her, and sent her in to be raped or attacked by the gun nest guard… never did find out what happened. (They both laugh uproariously)
JANE: So this is male bonding… I always wondered what it looked like…
ZAEED: Shepherd! I was just chatting with your brother here. Goddam waste, putting a man like this to mopping floors.
JANE: Well, seeing as he’s usually the one who’s generally created the bloody messes, I think it’s appropriate. What are you two talking about?
ZAEED: Telling stories about the good old days when I went around killing indiscriminately for good causes. Me & Jessie! Oh the goddam good times we had!
JANE: Jessie?
ZAEED: Yeah, the rifle over there. Doesn’t work anymore though, finally jammed about five years ago. I remember the first pointy haired Turian she killed…. (JANE, accustomed to blanking out through these types of conversations, fiddles with the garbage controls, nodding at the right moments until the gory details are completed)ZAEED: … And that’s why you should never go to a batarian prison with a traitorous asari girlfriend on a ship that’s going to be hijacked by Krogans… (JOHN applauds, JANE smiles politely, and quickly escorts herself out. She walks across the hall to GRUNT’s chamber. She pauses outside the door, hears smashing noises, and opts to walk downstairs to see JACK instead.)JACK: Hey.
JANE: Hey yourself. Are you ok? I haven’t heard from you since you came down here. It’s nice… if you like dark dingy confined spaces.
JACK: I’m fine. Dark dingy confined spaces are best for me. Gives me the advantage of seeing everyone who’s out to get me.
JANE: Right. Anyhow, what did those files tell you?
JACK: Just the names and addresses of hundreds of people I plan to kill.
JANE: What? That’s horrible! I can’t let you do that!
JACK: Why? It’ll be after we finish your deal.
JANE: (Sputters) Because it’s murder, that’s why!
JACK: Why?
JANE: Because it’s killing people for no reason!
JACK: Why?
JANE: Because you can’t do that to innocents!
JACK: Why?
JANE: You’re just funning me aren’t you? Did John put on the Terminator movies for the crew again?
JACK: Maybe… But I liked the Pirate movies better. I think we should turn this ship into a pirate ship! Admit it, throwing that airhead Chambers out the airlock would be fun!
JANE: It does have some appeal… but I can’t do that. Not that I’d mind getting out from Cerberus’ thumb.
JACK: (Growling) Cerberus… They raised me, you know. It was horrible.
JANE: Oh my, look at the time! (JANE takes the elevator upstairs and approaches the map, prepared to make the final dossier selection)JOKER: (over loudspeaker) Sorry Commander, Tim wants to talk to you in the briefing room.
JANE: (looks around, slightly suspicious) How does he do that?
JOKER: Do what, Ma’am? (JANE steps up to the map again, JOKER repeats his message)JANE: What in the world? Are you some kind of robot or something? How did you lock out the controls? We’re going to have to have a talk. (Turns to Yeoman Chambers, who is staring off idly into space) Chambers, help me out here, what’s going on?
KELLY: Like, the Illusive Man wants to talk to you in the briefing room, Commander.
JANE: ARE YOU ALL FRICKING ROBOTS?
JOKER & KELLY: The Illusive Man would like to speak to you in the briefing room Commander.
JANE: Fine. Where’s John? (She finds him in the Briefing room… wearing only his briefs)JANE: What the hell?
JOHN: They said “Briefing” room. I thought this is what you were supposed to wear in one of these.
JANE: Briefing, as in explaining why the hell I can’t fly my ship!
JOHN: (continuing to self) If they’d just said the chairless office, I would have known better. Do I have to put my pants back on?
JANE: YES! (While they’ve been discussing this, the orange light comes on and starts the crawl up to their face for the video chat)TIM: Shepard! I think we have them! (Eyes focus on JOHN frantically trying to pull up his pants) What in the name of Evil Chris Priestly?
JOHN: They SAID briefing room!
JANE: What spare parts did you use for him exactly? And what the hell are you doing remote controlling my ship?
TIM: I wanted to get a message to you, and this was the easiest way. Now if you’ll allow me to explain…
JANE: Well I hope you don’t plan on sending any messages that might reach us in combat, or you’ll be down a couple of expensive zombies and giant spaceship!
TIM: I have news, we can catch the collectors in the act! They’re attacking another colony!
JANE: (In a fit) And what’s the big idea of sending me out here to solve your problems with a bunch of insane people on a undermanned ship? How many crewmen did you give me? 15? And don’t get me started on the “Dossiers” that have put me in the hot zone… You didn’t really think the warden on the Purgatory was just going to play along, did you? and… and.. What did you say?
TIM: I SAID, one of our colonies just lost communication. The collectors will be attacking it soon. Are you ready to deal with them?
JOHN: If dealing with them means shooting them in the head, yes.
JANE: Might not be much use if Mordin hasn’t developed a better can of OFF for us.
TIM: You might be interested to know that two of your former crew are stationed on Horizon. A “Carth” Alenko and an Ashley Williams?
JOHN: Right, Carl, that guy. And Ash! Wonder if she still has the hots for me?
JANE: Why are they there? They just out for a walk on a planet in the middle of nowhere? And the communications just happen to go down? Tim, we’re going to talk about this!
TIM: I’m sending you the coordinates. I won’t send the alliance. They might get in your way.
JANE: Yeah, those damn alliance ships with their heavy shields and big guns, they wouldn’t be of any help against an unknown alien threat at all…. (TIM ends the transmission. JANE follows Mordin around until he smiles widely, accepts this as proof of his genius and then directs the team to get ready to land on the planet. At JOHN’s insistence, she brings GRUNT, and eeny-miney-mo’s JACK out of the remaining options.)EXT: HORIZON: PICNIC GROUND: DAYJANE: Mordin, you’re sure these countermeasures will work?
MORDIN: (over radio) Absolutely. Tests will prove it.
GRUNT: What tests?
MORDIN: You. Try not to get frozen!
JACK: Bastard. (They hide behind the convenient storage containers that Horizon Picnickers have left in odd places, and are immediately under attack by the Collector forces. GRUNT proves surprisingly agile until one of them pulls a laser beam and knocks him unconscious with a lucky shot. JACK sends a biotic shockwave into the not-so-lucky-anymore Collector. After waking Grunt, they walk through a few apartments collecting spare change. A minor battle later they are all standing around looking at a dead Husk)JANE: Blue zombies. I hate them.
JOHN: I thought you needed pointy things for these. Heheheh … pointy things.
JACK: Why should we care?
JANE: The writers wanted to make a point of it. It must be important.
GRUNT: It’s my scholarly opinion that they are probably trying to lay the groundwork for the storyline in Mass Effect 3, wherein the reapers’ entire army consists of them. (They all look at him, confused) Er… I mean … Ugh. Me Krogan. Me kill them. (Relieved, the team keeps going, with JANE pausing to stop JOHN from reposing the occasional frozen figures in obscene positions. They finally make it to a bunker, and are greeted by a survivor, DELAN the Mechanic)DELAN: What the hell are you doing here?
JANE: What is it about us that makes people greet us with such hostility? Here we are, probably the only help this moron is going to get, and he greets us like we’re going to steal his Precious.
JOHN: Can I shoot him?
DELAN: Just like the Alliance, shoot a guy for hiding in a bunker, just for locking everyone else out…
JANE: You have a problem with the Alliance? Now? Um… priorities?
DELAN: Yeah, well they interfered by giving us those guns. And by sending us experts to get them working. If they hadn’t done that, we wouldn’t be in this position.
JANE: Nope, you’d be in a frozen position. On that ship.
DELAN: If they attacked us at all!
JOHN: NOW can I shoot him?
JANE: Listen, Delan. Just come with us and try to help us turn the guns on.
DELAN: Not a chance in hell. I’d rather starve to death in here than be freeze rayed out there.
JANE: Fine. Just open the door. (Ignoring DELAN’s begrudging farewell, they eventually find the offending satellite tower. Strangely, the collectors didn’t think that destroying the settlement’s only weapon was a worthy goal, and so aside from a few obligatory Husks, connecting the satellite remotely to the NORMANDY is easy.)EDI: Reinforcements coming. May I suggest stronger armor? It’s available for very reasonable price on the Citadel…
JANE: Shut up! (They survive the waves of Collector warriors easily enough, with minor trouble from the occasional one that starts glowing and saying weird things. Then the third wave hits)JANE: What is THAT?
JACK: Whatever it is, it’s resisting my biotic attacks!
JOHN: What’s the use of having a super-biotic if she can’t fight off … whatever that is.
GRUNT: CHARGE!!!!!!!! (GRUNT gets lasered into unconsciousness. The rest of them stay sensibly behind barriers and pick off the enemy slowly but surely.)JANE: We are so putting money into heavy weapons when we get back.
JOHN: You mean we can have BIGGER guns? WOO HOO! (The creature finally dies. They find a collar around its neck that reads “Fluffy the Praetorian.” As they look on, the Collector ship launches into the atmosphere. DELAN the mechanic pops out of his bunker and starts screaming at them)DELAN: How could you let them go? They got Sten… and Morrigan… and Lillith!
JANE: Yes, yes, we got the Dragon Age reference the first time. And what exactly were we supposed to do about it? Sneak aboard?
JACK: That always worked for the Stargate people. Well, unless you were an unnamed soldier.
JOHN: Star-who? And everyone knows the heroes don’t die. Then you can’t sell the sequel. (Thoughtful) Or could you? (A cold shiver goes down everyone’s spine and DELAN resumes screaming)DELAN: You idiots! You sons of bitches!
JANE: Listen to yourself. No really, listen to your voice. You hear that? I’m the reason you can still hear yourself cursing at me. But unless you shut up really soon, I’m going to let John and Grunt here play football with your gonads. Are we clear?
DELAN: But but… you’re the nice one! You’re supposed to be…
CARTH: Commanders Shepard & Shepard…
ASHLEY: Captains of the Normandy…
CARTH: The First Human Spectres…
ASHLEY: Saviors of the Citadel…
CARTH: Defeaters of impossibly lame villains…
ASHLEY: Mineral deposit extractors…
CARTH: And Elevator riders extraordinaire!
DELAN: Enough already! I get it. But I’m still going to post about this on my blog! (huffs off) (CARTH & ASHLEY approach and give their respective love interests a hug.)CARTH: We thought you were dead! Why didn’t you contact us?
JOHN: Uh… we were? I think we’re zombies now. But I can still shoot stuff. Cool, huh?
JANE: (shivers at the term “zombies”) He’s right, we were dead. Somehow against all logic and known science, a reclusive group of terrorist mercenaries were able to bring us back to life.
ASHLEY: Riiiight.
CARTH: (Suspicious) Which group of reclusive terrorist mercenaries?
JANE: (Reluctantly) Cerberus.
ASHLEY: Shepard, you wouldn’t! Not after talking me into joining that ridiculous aliens-in-the-military group!
CARTH: And after all they did? We’d had reports, but no one believed them, except for someone who decided on the insignificant gesture of sending two of your former crew here…
JOHN: That was convenient. Ash, you wanna hook up?
ASHLEY: No. We’re done. Kaput. I can’t follow a man who works for Alien haters.
JOHN: But… but… we’re official! Fine, you want to drive a hard bargain, I’ll turn off the TV when we do it.
CARTH: I … loved you, Shepard. But… I can’t help you. Not with Cerberus. (They both walk away, leaving JANE sputtering)JANE: Carth! Ashley! I WAS DEAD! St…stop walking away from me! And the collectors are taking people! You just saw it! Oh damn it to hell. (Angrily shouts behind them) I’VE GOT THE ONLY RIDE OFF THIS ROCK!
JOHN: That reunion sucked.
JANE: Unbelievable. They see the impossible, that I’m alive and tracking cockroaches across the galaxy, and they refuse to believe I’m anything other than a terrorist?
JOHN: I offered to turn off the TV for her!
JANE: I mean you, I could believe. With all those scars from the surgery on your face. But I’m here, smiling and ready to move on with my life again, and they … they..
JOKER: Commander, are you ready to go? Because Gardiner says if we don’t get those groceries soon, we’re going to be down to toothpaste. Again.
JANE: Let’s go. They better have a good explanation for this in Mock Effect 3. (TIME WARP) INT: NORMANDY BRIEFING ROOM: NIGHTTIM: Good work on Horizon, Shepard.
JANE: You ! You son of a bitch! You planted that information! You put Carth and Ashley on that planet! You allowed half that colony to get kidnapped! (In her anger, JANE forgets that she’s in a holographic display and throws a punch at TIM, only to hit the wall of the Normandy) AUGH!
JOHN: Um… I’d shut up now, if I were you. I’ve not seen her this mad since I brought those Tribbles on board.
TIM: Of course I did it. I had to see if what made the Collectors tick. Congratulations, Shepard, you now have an entire alien civilization out to kill you and everyone you’ve ever loved! You have to stick with me, or see every planet you go to annihilated.
JANE: You sniveling little conniving…
TIM: You needn’t be so complimentary. Consider it payback for my new nickname. “Timmy” How utterly charming. However, I still need you, and you still need me. So I’m sending you 3 more dossiers. Keep building your crew up.
JOHN: Any more hot chicks?
TIM: Two more females, whom many have said are quite attractive.
JOHN: Awright!
JANE: Fine. You win. But you’re officially a giant (JOHN hits a mute button, muffling some of the extensive profanity)
TIM: Charming. Now I believe you mentioned my insane asylum of a crew? Well when I recruited them I promised you’d solve their little problems. They should be mentioning them to you soon. If I were you, I’d accommodate them. You never know when a little loyalty may come in handy. I assume you’ve dealt with your own past? Really now, changing his name to Carth? He’ll be better off without you. (JANE unreceptive attitude to this comment goes unseen as TIM terminates the connection. She stalks out. JACOB & JOHN, each trying to hide behind the other, stay out of her way. After she’s gone, JOHN turns to JACOB)JOHN: What did you want?
JACOB: I was going to ask for a favor, but I thought better of it. I haven’t seen her that mad since the Tribbles incident. (Looks pointedly at JOHN)
JOHN: I said I was sorry for that! Listen, I was just trying to get off plumbing duty…. (The sound fades out, the light goes dark, and millions groan as they are forced to wait for yet another chapter in our saga)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Nov 27, 2010 19:02:43 GMT 1
Something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, even if you aren't American! Sorry this chapter has been so long in coming. Master's Degrees take a bit more time than good fanfiction... The release of AC: Brotherhood and my discovery of Fallout 3 had nothing to do with the delay, I'm quite sure.
Mock Effect 2.8:
“A Visit to the Citadel”INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY(JANE SHEPHERD exits the elevator and approaches the Galaxy Map. She is interrupted by KELLY CHAMBERS, whose expression makes it appear like she’s just completed her morning Glue Sniffing)KELLY: Whoa, Commander! Like, I have stuff to tell you!
JANE: What now, Chambers? It can’t be Tim already. We just got done doing his dirty work on Horizon. (mutters) Probably costing me my love life as well as my dignity.
KELLY: Like, you know how Jacob met you after your last conversation with Tim?
JANE: Where he wisely hid under a table?
KELLY: What? Oh no. He said he’d talked to Commander Shepard about it. Oh now I’m so confused. Which one of you is Commander Shepard?
JANE: I am. My idiot brother is presently Plumber Shepherd. (chuckles) Why? Did you forget where you left your extra brain cell?
KELLY: (Hoarse laugh) Oh Commander, you’re soooooo funny! Like, that was hilarious!
JANE: Enough. What do you want?
KELLY: Like… I have a ton of messages for you. Garrus wants to see you with fire in his eyes, Grunt is having like a bad hair day or something, Jack’s got bugs in her head and oh darn it I forgot…
JANE: Wait, what? Grunt doesn’t have hair, nothing bit Jack on Collectorville, and Garrus WHAT?
KELLY: Like, I’m just telling you what they told me. Because I’m a Psychiatrist and everything. I think. Or am I Psychic? OH MY GOD! I forgot some! Like Jacob is all mopey about his dad or something, Miranda says we need to stop at Asariland, and Mordin wants to go back to Tuchunky.
JANE: Mordin what? No. Hold on. (hands Kelly a clipboard) Go around with this clipboard and let each of them write down what it is they need and where it is, and I’ll get to it when I get to it. Right now I need to see the Three Stooges about a way out of this. (Walking up to the cockpit, she directs Joker to land the Normandy 2.0 at the Citadel. Taking advantage of the new shuttle, she takes JOHN, GARRUS, and having no other choice: MIRANDA. The team walks to the new security screening. JANE starts to remove her weapons)INT: CITADEL: ZAKHERA WARD: DAYGUARD: Oh that won’t be necessary Ma’am. We’ll just pass you through this bio-scanner and you’ll be free to go.
JANE: Um… ok. Isn’t that rather impractical? I mean, how do you know I’m not here to blow the place up?
GUARD: Oh you wouldn’t do that Ma’am. That fellow beside you with the scars might, but if he’s with you I don’t mind. Now if you’ll just step through the scanner…
MIRANDA: If this picture ends up on the extranet, I’ll see you transferred to Akuze! (The GUARD looks her skin-tight suit up and down)GUARD: I wouldn’t dream of it, ma’am. Besides judging by that outfit, I would estimate there are plenty out there already… (Checks JANE’s Feed then JOHN’s then does a double take). Ma’am? How? This makes no sense! It says you’re dead. And that you’re the hero who saved the citadel, but the dead part is what caught my eye.
JANE: You would not believe how often I get that these days … (glares at Miranda)
GUARD: Hmm.. well this is above my pay grade. I’d better let you go on through. If you feel like it, talk to my boss, he might be willing to help you. Sometimes he’s listening to music in his head and doesn’t know you’re there for a minute.
JANE: So… you’re going to let us through security, just like that? Let us keep our guns and not question our obviously flawed records and walk onto a space station with billions of innocents on it? You people really have stepped up security.
GARRUS: That’s what I keep saying about C-sec, no responsibility…
GUARD: NOT YOU AGAIN! I thought we sent you away to a mob planet… How did you? I have to go on break now. Go talk to my boss if you want to. (JANE & Crew walk through and into the local C-sec office. Sitting at a desk belting out orders into a telephone, a hardened man practices his weary cop look, then acknowledges them)COP: Name’s Bailey. What do you want?
GARRUS: Captain Bailey! I thought you’d more pleased to see me! (The CAPTAIN’s eyes widen, but aside from this his expression doesn’t change)BAILEY: Welcome back Garrus. (To JANE) Short visit, I hope?
JANE: Well, I don’t know. I have to see about doing something about this “dead” status for me and my brother. Which agency should we go to see?
BAILEY: Well, you’ll need to go to security hq. And then to customs and immigration. You probably also ought to go to the treasury. Each of them will have lame minor tasks for you to do, and if you do them all, then you get permission to do what you want on the station. It’s called a door quest, and it’s a bane of RPG’s but you gotta do what you gotta do.
GARRUS: Oh, I know where all of those are, let’s get started. This’ll only take two weeks. That’s nothing. I remember this one guy at C-sec who was stuck in the terminal for almost a year! (A horrified look quickly crosses BAILEY’s face.)BAILEY: Or I could just hit this button right here.
JANE: That would be much appreciated, Captain.
BAILEY: Nothing at all, nothing at all. You probably should head up to the Presidium and talk to the Council at some point, though.
JANE: Wow. I can carry my huge guns onto the presidium with some obviously bad ID, AND I can get an appointment with the Council? If only I were a working for a terrorist organization, this could be a dream come true.
BAILEY: Yeah, yeah, go away, the music is starting again. (BAILEY’s feature freeze and JANE suddenly notices that JOHN is no longer with them. She hurries forward to find him. He’s standing at a counter arguing with a clerk.)JOHN: Fine, you won’t give me a discount, I’ll make sure you don’t have any more business today! (Steps outside and shouts) THIS STORE IS MEAN TO POOR PEOPLE! THEY DON’T APPRECIATE THE MILITARY!
RANDOM BYSTANDER: WHO CARES? THEY SELL FISH! (JANE quickly approaches the scene and grabs JOHN’S ear)JANE: JOHN! Stop it right now! Apologize to the lady.
JOHN: (mutters) Sorry. (To JANE) But she started it!
JANE: Doesn’t matter. Miss, is there any chance I can help smooth this over? Perhaps an endorsement from Commander Shepard of the Normandy?
CLERK: Hmm. Fine. Speak into the mike. Want to buy a fish?
JANE: Do I have to feed it?
CLERK: Unless you can talk an airhead into doing it for you.
JANE: Too much effort. I’ll pass. (Speaks into mike) “I’m Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store in the citadel.”
CLERK: It’ll do. Keep that jerk under wraps.
JANE: I can certainly try. Come on people! (They proceed across the room, where JANE looks for a map and is startled to hear a voice calling her name. She looks around, but no one is approaching, and her companions are mute. Her eyes finally light on an advertisement nearby them)JANE: What on earth?
AD: Welcome Commander Shepard. Enter your password for a free gift!
JANE: What on earth? I don’t have a password. Wow, Spam just keeps getting worse, it can now identify you by name!
MIRANDA: Silence is Golden
AD: Password Accepted. Nice to meet you Commander Shepard. Kasumi Goto. I’m a fan.
JANE: Very nice. A friendly robot spam machine. I thought AI were illegal. (Looks at Miranda) Except for when we do it. What was that you said?
KASUMI: No no no. I’m a new team member. I’m just using this machine to check you out. You seem legit. Though with this amount of money, I don’t think I’d be all that picky.
JANE: What, no urgent quests?
KASUMI: Now that you mention it, I did have one little errand…
JANE: I thought you might. I don’t want to hear about it now, I have enough to do.
KASUMI: But The Illusive Man Promised!
JANE: Timmy promises a lot of crap he can’t deliver. Tell you what. When you get on board, talk to the redhead with the vacant expression on her face and ask to write down your side mission on the clipboard. I’ll get to it when I get to it.
KASUMI: You don’t even want to know what it is?
JANE: Let me guess, it goes like this. You need me to risk my life to get something/kill someone/resolve past relationship issues with someone who is mad with power/backstabber/all around bad guy?
KASUMI: Wow, how did you know?
JANE: Lucky guess.
KASUMI: Well, see you on the ship then! Where should I sleep?
JANE: Try the starboard side crew deck. It’s the one with the bar in it.
JOHN: Hey, that’s where my stuff is!
JANE: Tough luck. Move across the hall. You with a hangover every morning is not something we need. (JOHN grumbles as Kasumi leaves. He perks up when they approach another sales booth)JANE: How are you today? I’m Commander Shepard and I’m interested in what you have for sale.
JOHN: And can we have a discount?
CLERK: Good morning, Commander, I’m glad to see you here, but I can’t offer any sales with these items. You see, the money primarily goes to fund research into genetic diseases.
JANE: Oh it does? Well in that case, we’ll buy our things at full price then. And do you accept donations? At the very least, I can record an endorsement for you!
JOHN: So this means no discount then?
JANE: “This is Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the Citadel… really!”
CLERK: Here are your purchases. Thank you very much! (As they walk away, they are approached by a familiar face. KHALISA BIN SINT AL-JILANI shoves a microphone in their face and starts asking questions.)AL-JILANI: Already picking blatant favorites among Citadel Merchants, Commander Shepard? What do you think the public will say to your newfound commercialism? (JANE punches her in the face)JANE: You know Johnny, you were right. That did feel good.
JOHN: Told you. Now prop her up so I can do it again!
JANE: Nah, she’s out. But now my knuckles hurt.
JOHN: (Sagely) You get used to it.
JANE: We had better get up to the council then. I wonder where Captain Anderson sits. We should pop in to see him first. Any objections? (Hearing none, she calls a taxi, and they enter a TIME WARP, appearing next directly in the human ambassadorial suite beside COUNCILOR ANDERSON. He’s speaking with the Holograms of the Council, and they don’t appear to have changed much. MOE the SALARIAN is dozing, CURLY the ASARI is looking on disapprovingly, And LARRY the TURIAN and the AMBASSADOR are bickering.)INT:CITADEL:PRESIDIUM:HUMAN COUNCILOR’S OFFICEJANE: Ah it’s good to be home. Any minute now Moe will wake up and say something insensible.
MOE: (Wakes up, blinks) We’ve heard a lot of disturbing rumors about you Shepard. I swear, some of this fanfiction is downright insulting! (Resumes snoring)
CURLY: We’ve had to dose his coffee even further. He started coming up with his own ideas. But he’s right; we have heard some disturbing rumors of your working with Terrorists.
LARRY: What do you have to say to that, Huh, Shepard?
JANE: Who saved whose ass here? Who saved the Citadel? Was it you, Councilor? No, I believe you were doing the Turian Tiptoe off to your ship, while I was using miniature mass relays and fighting off pitiful villains to save the day. And then when you found you weren’t tiptoeing fast enough, I sacrificed my people to get you morons to safety. Yes, we’ve been working with Cerberus. But I didn’t notice you putting billions of credits out to bring me back from the dead. Or investigating possible genocidal attacks out in the Terminus Systems!
LARRY: You were a paragon, you couldn’t help saving us. You didn’t have most of the cooler renegade options. And it’s their fault for moving out there anyway. “Land of Opportunity” they say. “Load of Loonies”, I say. Next you tell us it was those sentient machines again.
MIRANDA: Reapers. They sound a lot like Unicron, look a lot like Shrimp?
LARRY: Ah yes “Reapers.” We have dismissed that claim. Personally, I think it sounds like you had too much Ryncol and had to explain why someone set off a nuke that destroyed thousands of innocent Krogan. Sort of like that Hangover vid, only with many more delusions.
JOHN: Duuude. That would have been so awesome. But no. I would remember a hangover that epic.
JANE: Do you even listen to yourselves? ‘We have dismissed that claim’? Um, hello, giant attack on the citadel? Or the ancient hologram on Ilos? Or maybe, perhaps, the testimony of the people who saved you from a nasty death?
ANDERSON: Actually, no one believes you Shepard. Even I have severe doubts, and I’m a sympathetic character. The hologram quit working after it talked to you, the Geth were obviously attacking the Citadel, and well John was in command of your crew at the time the Virmire mission took place. A drunken spectacle wouldn’t have been anything unexpected.
JOHN: Up high! Down low! Too Slow!
ANDERSON: Rebuilding hasn’t done him any good, has it?
JANE: Well, he can remember which bathroom is the men’s now. Of course, EDI’s popping up out of the toilet the first time he got confused probably scared that bit of sanity back into play. But take my word for it. The evil sentient machines out there are real and they are coming to get us! (Crickets)JANE: Come on guys! Back me up here!
GARRUS: Hey don’t look at me. You only took me on the one mission, the rest of the time I was flat on my back.
MIRANDA: The Illusive Man said it was the reapers, so it’s the reapers.
JOHN: I wonder if the Consort’s busy today…
JANE: Great, thanks guys. The only support I get is from a terrorist sycophant.
CURLY: Now don’t get out of sorts, Commander Shepard, we’re going to offer some insignificant platitudes in exchange for your saving our lives.
JANE: You know what? Screw this. I’m going with the renegade option here. Take your insignificant platitudes and shove them (Extensive explanation of locale and methods of said shoving have been redacted to maintain a sensible rating on this story. Note: it is impossible to do much practical demonstration on a hologram)
LARRY: If you are quite finished?
CURLY: And she looked so calm when we permanently promoted her!
MOE: (Snores) (The Holograms vanish, whilst Ambassador Anderson and the team slowly stare at JANE, except for JOHN, who is looking carefully over the balcony, measuring the distance between the suite and the Consort’s Chambers)ANDERSON: (Cough) Well… that could have gone better. You never had that temper when I was your Captain.
JOHN: Yes she did. She just aimed it at me. I still have nightmares. Can I be Commander now? I’m tired of plumbing. My first rule would be a less formal dress code. Starting with you, Miranda!
ANDERSON: Now there’s no need to be so hasty! We all know the Council is about as effective as decaffeinated coffee. So long as you stay out of their way, you’re unlikely to have pissed them off enough to do anything to you.
JANE: It’s not like I have a choice anyway. In a really freaky way, the Illusive Man has control of my ship. (They are interrupted by administrative assistant UDINA)UDINA: Anderson! Have I expressed my deep and utter loathing for you today?
ANDERSON: No I don’t believe you have. But while you’re here, let’s get the ‘revenge on Commander Shepard’ speech out of the way at the same time, shall we? I’m sure she’s eager to hear it.
JANE: Sounds delightful. Why haven’t you fired him yet?
ANDERSON: Those idiots at Bioware signed a three game contract with his voice talent. He’s even in the downloadable content. I mostly just tune him out.
JANE: I once used a simpler method.
ANDERSON: I attempted that, but after a few times, my hand really started hurting. Bastard’s got a tough jaw.
UDINA: (Smirking) Yes I do. Now what is Shepard doing here? I don’t imagine it’s anything good.
JANE: Nope. As a matter of fact Udina, I was here to seek the Council’s help in working with terrorists to investigate the imminent threat of the killer machines from outer space. (UDINA gapes) Oh don’t worry; they didn’t take me up on it. They offered me some vague nonsense, and I told them where they could put it.
JOHN: It was quite descriptive.
GARRUS: She even included some obscure parts of Turian Anatomy…
MIRANDA: I think I saw the Asari Ambassador’s ears turn red, but that could have been just the Hologram.
UDINA: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? I’ll be in my office trying to prevent the Turian fleet from wiping out Earth! (Runs away at top speed)
JANE: I think I would have told him that even if I had taken them up on it! (Laughing, then serious) Though now that I think on it, he might have a point…
ANDERSON: I wouldn’t worry too much. Larry would have to drag them away from their fight clubs to get a war started.
(JANE and ANDERSON approach the balcony. Whilst still talking, JANE grabs JOHN as he starts to climb off and hauls him back inside. He grumbles something about wet blankets and pouts in the corner.)
JANE: So… when were you going to tell me you were investigating me and Cerberus? Sending Carth and Ashley? Really? Have you never heard of e-mail? Or calling? All I got was the one “Are you alive?” note.
ANDERSON: Uh … er… Did I mention the recovery is going well? The keepers are doing most of the work though. Millions of people on this station, but strangely none of them are contractors.
JANE: Hmm. Fine. No answer there. Just tell Carth we need to talk.
ANDERSON: Should I give Ashley a message too?
JOHN: Tell her I hate poetry.
ANDERSON: Right, no message then. So I assume you’ll be off and not come back?
JANE: Will you have anything else to say?
ANDERSON: Nope.
JANE: Then probably not. INT: CITADEL:ZAKHERA WARD:EVENING(They wander towards the shuttle and are approached by yet another vendor)CLERK: Commander Shepard??? I’m so glad to see you! You’re a hero!
JANE: Shhh! They’ll hear you. I didn’t know they allowed people that liked me on this station!
CLERK: But you’re the person who saved it, that allows it to still be here today?
JANE: You’d be surprised…
JOHN: Any chance we could get a discount?
CLERK: Sure. You can have the employee discount! Anything for you guys! (JANE thanks the clerk, tactfully ignoring the “Everyone gets employee pricing!” ad in the background. Finally arriving back on the Normandy, she finds her controls locked out again)INT:NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: NIGHTJANE: TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by Clint Johnston on Dec 20, 2010 16:14:44 GMT 1
Merry ChristmahannuKwanzyule! Here is chapter 9 of the REAL Mock Effect 2!! (Can I have my magic car now?)Mock Effect 2: Chapter 9
A Three Hour TourINT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: DAY(JANE SHEPHERD is wandering about the ship, having had a good night’s sleep. She is presently standing behind JOKER hoping he will say something funny.)JOKER: Shouldn’t you be checking in with the Illusive Man?
JANE: Why? The last time I talked to that jerk he sent me into a trap. No thank you. I will sit here and play with the windows until I feel like it.
JOKER: Well, I’m not one to question your judgment, but since I’m Seth Green, I have a much more vocal part than most of your crew, and therefore it’s up to me to ask you: Do you have any idea where your brother is?
JANE: No…. should I?
JOKER: I’m just saying, there’s only so much threatening and punching one can do before one begins to focus their attentions elsewhere. And none of the women on this ship seem to have any clue what clothes are. (JANE glares) Except yourself of course! Soooo… we can either deal with a megalomaniac terrorist, or a bunch of pissed off insecure women with superpowers. Your choice.
JANE: Have I mentioned I hate you?
JOKER: Many times. I think my favorite was the time you asked if I would mind committing Hari-kari with a dull butter knife. That was after the Virmire expedition, as I recall.
JANE: Well, double it. (Into intercom) John, get your butt up to the briefing room now! And please make sure it has pants on! (JANE reluctantly walks to the chairless briefing room, wherein she meets a grumbling JOHN.)JOHN: I was about to seal the deal with Jack! She just asked me if I wanted to nail her!
JANE: Johnny, do you remember what that knife juggling girl said she’d do if she ever found you in her neighborhood again?
JOHN: Yeah. (JOHN moves his hand protectively)
JANE: Think of Jack as a person who can do that by merely thinking it. And she probably would too, just to see your face. (JOHN goes white, but his nervous response is cut off by ILLUSIVE MAN’s Voice)TIM: It’s about time! We have them, Shepard!
JANE: Yeah yeah yeah. I’m only calling because if I don’t give Confucius here something to do, he’s liable to do something on his own that will get me killed.
TIM: I’m hurt that you don’t trust me. If I can get 12 out of 12 on the Fornax centerfolds and drink Krogan under the table, don’t you think I would have my facts straight?
JOHN: You forgot the cigars.
TIM: No, those are going to give me lung cancer again soon. It’s a good thing that Starkiller guy lent me his cloning facility…
JANE: Fine, out with it. What do you need us to do?
TIM: We’ve intercepted a Turian distress call. They ran into a collector ship and took it out before being killed themselves. We need to hook into their computers and get data about their plans.
JANE: You have got to be kidding me.
TIM: What’s wrong? It’s a great plan!
JANE: Would you like it chronologically or alphabetically? First of all, how did the Turians get wiped out if they hit it? Second of all, those things are huge, what did they hit it with, a black hole gun? Last but not least, you want to plug in to an alien ship’s computer? Did you ever see Stargate? Plugging into alien computers never ends well!
TIM: It would be EDI plugging in, and let me put it this way: Do you want control of the ship or not?
JANE: Fine. Send Joker the coordinates.
TIM: I already did.
JANE: Then why was it so gosh darned important to make me talk to you? (JANE throws a clipboard off the table at TIM’s image as it fades away.) (A short time later JOKER pulls the Normandy up next to a dead collector ship. Everyone except GARRUS [He is too busy making calibrations] remarks on the unlikelihood that the Turians could knock it out, let alone get a shot in edgewise. JANE selects ZAEED and KASUMI to come along with her and JOHN)INT: COLLECTOR SHIP: DAY(They walk slowly through the empty ship, pausing to steal credits the bugs were nice enough to leave lying around. Then JOKER shouts in their ears)JOKER: COMMANDER! GUESS WHAT!
JANE: Ow…. What the hell Joker?
JOHN: Maybe Cerberus improved the slap radios in our ears.
ZAEED: I once was on a mission with over-receptive slap radios. I was the only one that made it out alive. Turned my goddam hearing aid off, got out without a scratch.
JOKER: (Quieter) Commander, I’ve been looking over this ship and guess what?
JANE: It has a vanity plate that says KLSHPD?
JOKER: No, but it is the one from Horizon! The one that took all the colonists!
JOHN: I wonder where they could be?
KASUMI: Right here. (Points out massive pile of bodies they just walked by)
JOHN: Hmm. When you’re right, you’re right. I wonder why they killed them.
JANE: Who knows? At this point, we already know the collectors are evil, so I don’t know why the writers are showing us this.
KASUMI: Maybe they want to make extra sure we know the collectors are bad guys. At least they didn’t put up a console where we could speechify about why they have to die. (They come around a corner, wherein lies a console and a pile of fancy weapons. Reluctantly, JANE opens the console to make a discovery)JANE: My God! The Collectors are Protheans!
JOHN: Um… who cares?
ZAEED: I goddam don’t.
KASUMI: Huh?
JANE: Nevermind. Stupid writers. We already figured this out on Ilos in the last game. The Reapers use leftover species to run things after they wipe them out. (They hand out the weapons and walk on, JANE taking the sniper rifle and several bags of shoulder pads. About half way up a huge hill, JOKER shouts in their ears again, sending them all tumbling)JANE: Goddamnit Joker! Couldn’t it wait until we were up this mountain within a spaceship?
JOKER: I’m sorry; perhaps you’d like to get my life changing realizations at tea time?
JOHN: Just spit it out, brittle bones! Let me guess, this is the ship that blew us to kingdom come two years ago!
JOKER: How did you know?
JOHN: I didn’t. I was just making shit up to annoy you. But I was right? Awesome!
JOKER: I’m going to take a nap now. Maybe in my dreams I’ll be more appreciated when I interject with plot development.
JOHN: Stupid sensitive pilots. I should break his thumbs again. (They step into a giant chamber within the Collector ship with human pods all over the ceiling and walls)KASUMI: That’s a lot of space. Where are they going to find that many humans?
ZAEED: (Ominously) Earth.
JANE: Hold it. Stop right there. That doesn’t make any sense. Why target the derelict shell of a planet that is left over from before we started exporting idiot colonists all over the galaxy? To get at me? I grant you, I can be very annoying, but no galaxy munchers are that emotionally vulnerable. So please drop this plotline right where it began. Hmmph. Next we’ll be re-enacting scenes from the Terminator!
(They arrive at THE console, which apparently is different from all the others they passed on their way there.)
JANE: Alright I’m plugging you in, EDI. (The ship begins to shake. Meanwhile on the Normandy, the screens of EDI’s search go blank and a familiar voice is heard)CLIPPIT: It appears your version of Windows Vista is not up to date, would you like to update it?
JOKER: What the?
CLIPPIT: Restarting... (Back on the COLLECTOR SHIP, JANE and the others are holding on for dear life while the console they were plugging into turns into a platform and leaves them stranded in space with nowhere to go)KASUMI: IT’S A TWAP!
JANE: Oh joy.
JOHN: Oh, God, please no ewoks!
ZAEED: Another Goddam trap. You’d think one of these times I’d pick up on that sooner. (While our four heroes are facing their respective fears of teddy bears and ridiculous pop culture analogies, several platforms rise of their own volition and attach themselves to the one the Shepards are on. On board these platforms are hordes of collectors with laser guns. They are led by a Glowing One)JOHN: Shoot the shiny one!
GLOWING ONE: You cannot hurt me, Shepard.
JANE: Wanna Bet? (JANE fires a grenade onto the platform, blowing the GLOWING ONE apart, but then another collector turns shiny on the opposite platform)
JOHN: Shoot the other shiny one!
GLOWING ONE: Face your annihilation.
ZAEED: I did that once. I was the only one to walk away. (ZAEED snipes the GLOWING ONE on the left, but then one of the collectors in the center starts glowing)
JOHN: Shoot the other other shiny one!
JANE: What are you? Aside from a guy with a terribly depressing monologue and a few extra shields? Don’t tell me you’re supposed to be the villain in this game?
GLOWING ONE: I am the Harbinger of your perfection. I am unstoppable. Your worlds will become our laboratories. You cannot escape… (JOHN fires a few incendiary rounds into HARBINGER, forcing it to switch to another collector)
JOHN: Yeah yeah yeah. Shut up and die already. What’s a Harpbringer anyway? (Beside JOHN, another collector is possessed, and resumes where his predecessor left off)HARBINGER: … from us. Harbinger: Noun. One who goes ahead to make known the approach of another. A Foreshadowing. Submit now. (JOHN is rescued by KASUMI’s very helpful habit of appearing out of nowhere to stab something in the back.)JANE: Wait, now let me get this straight… you named yourself errand boy? Gopher? Announcer guy? Oh my god, if we have to fight Galactus, I am so quitting!
HARBINGER: Our power is unmatched. We chose this name because it sounded impressive in an ominous low voice. We are unstoppable. (Sick of this annoying conversation, JANE JOHN KASUMI and ZAEED all stand up at the same time and shoot the remaining collectors. With no bodies to jump into, HARBINGER is gone for the moment. They relax. JOHN and JANE slap their ears to see what JOKER and EDI have done with CLIPPIT.)JANE: Joker, what’s our status? Edi? Please tell me Clippit didn’t make you switch formats!
CLIPPIT: This program is not secure, would you like to continue?
EDI: YES! Commander, have I ever been this annoying? (EDI disappears before both SHEPARDS can answer with an emphatic yes)
CLIPPIT: This program has committed an illegal error and must be closed.
JOKER: We’re ok, Commander. Though I think EDI may bust a circuit if she has to reinstall anything again.
JANE: We’re ok, too, for the most part. I’m just happy it wasn’t ewoks. We’re going to start walking towards the exit.
EDI: I’ll open doors for you in between talking to this infernal paperclip. (Since the Collectors attacking them saw fit to attach the platforms to each other, it’s a simple matter for the team to jump to the massive chamber’s exit. They walk back in the general direction of their shuttle, pausing occasionally to put an end to a batch of collectors. This works well until they come to a room with two huge doors, guarded by another “Fluffy” Praetorian)JANE: Quick, hand me your heavy weapon.
JOHN: Heheheh. Heavy Weapon.
JANE: You want to go face this thing on your own? Give me your launcher!
JOHN: Heheheh. Launcher.
JANE: The explosive item on your back that I will shoot myself if you do not remove it carefully and place in my hands immediately.
JOHN: Hehe ..(catching JANE’s Glare).. ok. Here you go. But (Whispers in JANE’s ear)
JANE: What do you mean we’re out of rockets??? (This shocked shout alerts the Praetorian, and the team is forced to flee in the other direction until they find an ammo box, whereupon they blast the second and hopefully last fluffy out of existence.)JANE: If they’d picked one of these to be the ultimate villain, now that would have been convincing! But noooo… I get the silver surfer on a power trip.
JOHN: Oooh…here come zombies! (Smashing their way through a very small horde of husks, they reach the shuttle. Boarding the Normandy, JANE and JOHN run to the cockpit to emphasize to JOKER how important it is that they leave before the COLLECTOR SHIP’s weapon finishes warming up, which for some reason HARBINGER forgot to turn on while trying to kill them earlier. JANE takes a seat and puts on a seatbelt, while JOHN prefers to stand anxiously looking over JOKER’s shoulder.)INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAYEDI: Finally, turned that little clipoff off. Now what’s all this shouting about?
JOKER: Get us out of here!
EDI: Commander Shepard, don’t you want to take a seat first? Hyperspace can be bumpy.
JOHN: Seatbelts are for wimps!
JANE: I’m Commander Shepard, he’s Janitor Shepard! And GET US OUT OF HERE!
EDI: Where to? I can’t leave without directions.
JOKER: At this point, anywhere!!! We’ll stop for directions when we get there!
EDI: As you wish…. (The NORMANDY pops into hyperspeed seconds before the death ray hits the place it was. It drops out of hyperspace in the middle of nowhere next to a little blue phonebox. A Voice calls over the intercom)VOICE: Pardon me, but can you point the way to Epsilon Four Zero Gamma? I can’t seem to find it…. Or was that Zero Four Gamma Epsilon? Hmm. None of you would happen to be a young single human female between the ages of 18 and 25 who might be interested in a platonic relationship with a 900 year old alien? I keep losing track of mine…
JANE: What the hell?
EDI: This is what happens when you leave without getting directions
VOICE: Anyone want a Jelly Belly?
JANE: Joker… get us out of here
JOKER: Already doing it. (Moments later, they are again at rest, in a more familiar part of life as we know it. They now notice that JOHN is no longer in the cockpit. They find him hanging upside down over the galaxy map, muttering something about smart alec AI’s)EDI: Commander, if you had worn your seat belt as suggested, you would not be suspended in such a position.
JANE: Yeah, Edi, he knows. Now tell me what about that trip was worth nearly getting all of us killed.
EDI: I got the Omega 4 relay information, but I also found out something interesting.
JANE: (Feigning Shock) It was a trap?
EDI: The Illusive man’s protocols made it quite clear.
JANE: Of course they did. Give me fine minutes in person with that maniac… Just five minutes…
JOKER: You got your wish Commander, he’s calling right now!
(JANE yanks JOHN out of the spot he’s got himself in, and they go to the chairless briefing room to talk to TIM)
TIM: Shepard, good job, EDI got the data we needed.
JANE: That’s not all she got! I warned you about throwing us into a trap again!
TIM: Now now, Shepard, if I hadn’t sent you, I wouldn’t have had time to get my danish this morning. And if you don’t get a decent breakfast, you won’t digest things properly for the rest of the day.
JANE: If your intel is faulty, then I have no reason to waste my time listening to you. Chew on that for your breakfast.
TIM: This mission got us most of the data necessary to go through the Omega 4-relay. It appears you have to have the secret code to get in.
JOHN: What secret code? Is this like the Devito Code or something? I never could figure out how a guy that short could be the granddaughter of Jesus.
TIM: (Ignoring JOHN) In order to get through the relay, you need to patch an alien piece of hardware into your computer so you can arrive without immediate death.
JANE: … Annnnd you don’t have this piece of hardware, annnnd we have to go get it for you. What is guarding it this time, Pit Wyrms?
TIM: Oh no, we already have it. Another incredible lucky shot wiped out a reaper ship over another handily nearby planet, and my team on board has it sitting there waiting for you…
JANE: And the catch is? You didn’t finish your sentence.
TIM: (Cough) Well … er … you see…
JANE: (Knowing look) You haven’t heard from them in a while. Just perfect. You really are an idiot, you know that? 3 times in a row this same shtick? “We have them, Shepard!” Yeah right. We have them right where we want them… Behind us with a kill shot!
TIM: Would I lie to you? I suggest you tell your crew I didn’t risk their lives unnecessarily. It will make things easier going forward. (The Conversation ends and JANE summons the crew via JOHN)JANE: The Illusive Man risked our lives completely unnecessarily! Hey… where is everybody? I told you to summon everybody, John!
JOHN: I got who I could. Garrus is still making calibrations. Zaeed said something about “last one left alive” at his last staff meeting. Jack wasn’t interested. I couldn’t find Kasumi. Grunt was asleep. If you want to wake him up, be my guest.
JANE: And the rest of the crew?
JOHN: Playing drunken twister in the Mess Hall. Joker was winning. He’s surprisingly limber for a guy with brittle bones.
JANE: (Sigh) Probably part of the facts of life. You work with a terrorist organization; the crew you collect isn’t going to be very interested in staff meetings. Anyhow, do those of you who are here understand the IFF Information? (JACOB, MIRANDA, & MORDIN all nod)EDI: Commander, my data indicates that the IFF will take us to this location. (Amid shocked comments by the crew, EDI’s directional viewer points directly to the center of the galaxy)MIRANDA: But it’s all exploding suns and black holes!
JACOB: A-hem.
MIRANDA: Er, I mean giant-space-vortexes-referred-to-by-the-lack-of-debris-in-their-center holes?
JACOB: Much better.
MORDIN: Collectors must have device to maintain position in chaos. We should test similar invention in Mess Hall tonight before party concludes.
MIRANDA: So Commander, do we want to build up our team, or go after this IFF right away?
JOHN: Let’s get the IFF! I want to kick some bad guy ass!
JACOB: Shouldn’t we have all the experts possible before risking all our lives on this?
JANE: Silence, Toilet-clog-remover Shepard. I think we need to build our team.
JACOB: Are you sure? We need to get that IFF as soon as possible if we’re going to stop the Collectors permanently.
JANE: You’re just going to argue with everything we say here, aren’t you?
JACOB: No I won’t!
JANE: Then that concludes our meeting. Next stop Illium. Just think, a planet run almost entirely by a race of gorgeous blue women with an average lifespan of 1000 years … what could possibly go wrong?
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Post by Clint Johnston on Jan 4, 2011 5:22:29 GMT 1
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Maybe by next year, I'll be half way done!Mock Effect 2
Chapter 10: Eclipse of the Zipper
INT: NORMANDY ENGINEERING DECK: DAY(JANE SHEPARD looks through the windows down at the engineering deck, where there are no signs of life, save for SCOTTY & GABBY’s quiet bickering in the background. Having given orders to JOKER to set a course for Illium, she has snuck away to the Engineering deck in order to get a moment’s peace. She is surprised by JACK [who thanks to some very convenient DLC is now wearing a motorcycle jacket and Geordi Laforge’s visor])JANE: What are you doing with that visor?
JACK: I got it from a friend.
JANE: It looks suspiciously familiar.
JACK: Relax, that Star Trek timeline doesn’t start for another 200 years.
JANE: But looking at your head is very confusing. From behind I think Picard, and then you turn around and I think Geordi. It takes some time before I remember your name is Jack.
JACK: (Mischievously) You know, Jack can be short for James...
JANE: AUGH! Not you too! What is it with this ship? Is there a cult to drive me crazy?
JACK: Funny you should mention cults, that’s where I got this neat haircut!
JANE: You don’t have any hair.
JACK: Exactly.
JANE: I’m going to go talk to Grunt. He’s got to make more sense than you do. (Casting a confused look over her shoulder at biotic, JANE enters the Port Supply section, which has been converted into living quarters for Grunt. [No one wanted the job of asking him to move] In the center of the room, GRUNT is posed in the classic “Thinker” position)GRUNT: Come in, Shepard, I was just pondering our finite existence
JANE: You were what?
GRUNT: Thinking of ways to kill you.
JANE: What a coincidence! Me too. Any breakthroughs?
GRUNT: I know the easiest way to blow up the ship. But I don’t care about it. It’s just pictures in my head.
JANE: Well, that’s a relief.
GRUNT: And then there’s the inferiority complex. I think I’ll go back to the ripping a turian’s head open memory. That always cheers me up.
JANE: Uh-huh. Well, I’ll be on the bridge (Mutters) trying to jump off…
GRUNT: Ha –Ha! His eyes are popping out… hehehe… INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY(JANE walks up behind JOKER, out the viewport they can see a busy alien city)JOKER: Nos Astra Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.
JANE: I thought that was Mos Eisley.
JOKER: Did Mos Eisely have blue alien women who never grasped the concept of modesty?
JOHN: Nah. I would remember it if it did. All I remember is some guy named Greedo shooting first. Or was it second… Either way he died. (Having satisfied the obligatory star wars allusion for this chapter, JANE and JOHN disembark, taking along MORDIN and GARRUS)EXT: ILLIUM: TRADING FLOOR: DAYJOHN: Why’d you have to bring Garrus?
JANE: Because otherwise it was Jacob’s turn.
JOHN: Oh, ok.
JANE: So who do you want to go after? The Justicar or the Assassin?
JOHN: Oooh, the Assassin sounds cool.
JANE: Justicar it is then.
JOHN: You do that just to annoy me, don’t you?
(They are interrupted by an Asari wearing a dress held up by her bellybutton, guarded by robots)
ASARI: Hello, I’m here to greet you. You’ll be as safe here as on the Citadel.
JANE: You mean that place that was attacked by huge robots from outer space a few years ago?
ASARI: Er… ok, not so safe. That’s why I have robots with me. Also, I never sign anything.
JANE: That must make getting your paychecks interesting.
(JOHN’s efforts to put a single in her dress are foiled by a kick from JANE’s boot)
JANE: Do you happen to know where I might find a Justicar?
ASARI: Nope, but I know who can tell you. Liara T’Soni. She’s got an office over there. She said to stop by anyway, since she paid your docking fees.
JANE: Liara the archaeologist? Knows where I can find the Justicar? Oooo k.
(Each of them making a character appropriate comment at the balcony, they proceed to LIARA’s upstairs office. Looking confused, they are motioned forward into Liara’s office by a purple asari who is furiously texting and looks rather bored)
LIARA: (Into video screen) Have you ever faced an Asari commando unit before?
VIDEO-SCREEN-GUY: Oh come on, babe, I’m sorry about the carpet burn! What was I supposed to do, throw it out? My grandma gave it to me!
LIARA: Goodbye, Governor Karpyshn. Shepard! You’re back!
JOHN & JANE: Which one of us?
(LIARA doesn’t answer them, instead enfolding them in an awkward group hug. They both remain very still until she backs off.)
MORDIN: Asari at dock said you would tell us where to find subjects.
GARRUS: I thought she was an archaeologist?
LIARA: Well… I was. But after you died, the writers were kind of clueless what to do with my character. It’s hard to write canon for a character that may or may not be a love interest for the main character whose gender is undetermined.
JANE: Then how did you get here?
LIARA: For that story, you’ll have to pick up “Mass Effect: Redemption” a graphic novel available at all good bookshops.
JOHN: Why would I read a novel when I can hold you up against a wall and threaten you?
JANE: John, she said it was a graphic novel, which is a grown-up gentrified version of a comic book
JOHN: Oooh, I like comic books.
(Throughout the conversation, LIARA can’t stay still, wincing every time she sits down)
JANE: Is something wrong?
LIARA: Er… the information I obtained last night came at a price.
JANE: The price of carpet burn? Because if you’d sit still for 5 seconds we might be able to understand this nonsensical storyline.
LIARA: I’m afraid that’s impossible. Suffice it to say that instead of an inexperienced archaeologist, I’m now a revenge-driven power monger.
JANE: Wow. That’s … different.
LIARA: You could help if you want to. I need someone other than my completely trustworthy assistant to go hack a bunch of computers and tell me who’s spying on me.
JANE: We’ll pass. Intro lady said you’d know where the Justicar & Assassin were?
LIARA: Oh somewhere around here. You should probably talk to their parole officers.
JANE: Parole Officers? Perfect…
LIARA: Yeah… they are somewhere around here… around the corner, behind the tower on the left. Or was that right? Anyhow, over there.
JANE: What did you say your new job was again?
LIARA: Information Broker.
JANE: Right. Great.
(After an awkward silence while LIARA stands up and sits down five more times, the team nods a friendly goodbye, and get out of there as fast as they can. They walk down a long hallway, which is plastered with ads for a “Blasto the Hanar Spectre” vid.)
JOHN: This looks cool.
JANE: This looks like something you and Wrex would cook up. Lame action lines and everything. I wouldn’t go see it. Am I right, guys?
MORDIN: What are these “Vids”? I haven’t been out of the lab much these last few years.
GARRUS: Actually, now that I’m badass, I think it’s a job requirement.
JOHN: There’s the spirit! “ENKINDLE THIS!”
JANE: Idiots.
(They find themselves in a large shopping area shaped like a horseshoe with balconies at each end. JANE spies an asari all by herself in the corner and goes over to ask for directions to the parole office. The ASARI is grimacing and is avoiding the gaze of a Krogan standing nearby.)
JANE: Excuse me, could you tell me where to find the local parole office?
ASARI: Do I look like a map, lady?
JANE: Whoa, sorry, no offense meant…
ASARI: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m having romantic troubles and it’s been a rough day.
JOHN: And this is our problem how?
ASARI: Well if you want to get a discount, you’re going to have to help me solve it.
GARRUS: What’s that krogan staring at you for?
MORDIN: Probably sexual inadequacy. Hence popularity of this planet. Fantasies of entire planet of attractive loose women have existed in science fiction since Galileo’s little known work “Planet of the Hot Babes.”
JANE: Wait, Galileo was human, how would you know that?
MORDIN: Salarian versions too. However, shorter life spans encourage less timidity about obscenity in titles. Settled for human equivalent.
ASARI: A-hem. If you could perhaps help me with my problem?
JOHN: Well, he’s standing near a balcony. One upsy-daisy and all your problems are over.
ASARI: No! I love him... but we’re on a break.
JANE: (Sigh) and why is that?
ASARI: Wait for it.
(The KROGAN straightens up and starts reciting awful poetry with hideous metaphors and very few rhymes)
ENTIRE TEAM: Ohhhhhh!
JOHN: Again. One upsy-daisy… Problems over. Just saying.
JANE: Have you considered earplugs?
MORDIN: Sexual drive causing this. Perhaps sexual satisfaction ends poetic cycle?
GARRUS: You could write hideous poetry back and see how he likes it.
(They all look at GARRUS disgustedly)
GARRUS: Hey, I’m new to this badass stuff. No poetry then?
JANE: Didn’t you ever read Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy? “On no account should you allow a vogon to read poetry at you!”
GARRUS: But he’s not a vogon.
JANE: With that poetry, he should be.
JOHN: Lady, we don’t care. If you guys hurry up and have kids, he can recite them the poems, not you.
ASARI: Thanks! You’ve solved my problem. Here’s your discount!
JOHN: I did? Damn. What do I get with this discount? FISH? Again?
(After getting nowhere with the Asari, JANE starts walking to what looks like a cubicle on the other side. If there’s any place to find a bureaucratic official that would be it. On their way over they are interrupted by another Asari who seems to recognize them. This one is green)
GREEN ASARI: Shepard!
JOHN & JANE: Yes?
JOHN: It was my turn!
JANE: I’m in charge.
JOHN: I hate you.
JANE: Fine, you can handle this one. Just let the green lady talk.
GREEN ASARI: Don’t you remember me, Shepard? From Feros? Shiala?
JOHN: I don’t remember a lot of what went on at Feros. Thanks to someone (Glares at JANE).
SHIALA: I was the Asari who attacked you at every turn of the Thorian tunnel, and whom Jane talked you into letting go at the end of the mission?
JOHN: Oh, right…. Weren’t you blue?
SHIALA: Er… yes, but I and the rest of the survivors have had weird medical problems since the Thorian was killed. I turned green. That shopkeeper guy from deep space nine starting singing showtunes backwards. And a few other people can still share one another’s sensations. Makes Valentine’s day very awkward.
JOHN: And this is my problem how?
SHIALA: We hired a surveying team to run some body scans. Turns out when you hire mapmakers to do a doctor’s job, they turn into control freaks. They think they can do whatever they want to us. I was hoping you could talk that grumpy asari over by the balcony into letting us off the hook.
JANE: Yep, Feros is still Feros. The Morons are still in control.
JOHN: I thought you said they’d lynch her!
JANE: I lied. You cheered up and stopped being a jerk for twenty minutes. Everybody was happy.
SHIALA: Can you help us?
JOHN: I can do whatever I want?
JANE: Just don’t kill her. I’m going to go over here and talk to the nice parole officer.
(JANE goes around the corner and approaches Tracking Officer DARA, whilst JOHN walks up to the grumpy asari and starts a conversation)
JANE: Good afternoon, I’m looking for a Justicar named (Looks at list) Samara?
DARA: Oh my God, has she killed somebody already?
JANE: No… I wanted to hire her for a mission. Should I be concerned?
DARA: Yes. No. I don’t know. Well, she’s a Justicar.
JANE: Yes I know. That’s why I want to hire her. What does a Justicar do?
DARA: They are the embodiment of the Asari’s highest laws. They follow the code.
JANE: What code?
DARA: You know…THE code… they just do.
JANE: Which has them do what exactly?
DARA: Go around shooting people who disobey the law. But usually they only deal with Asari. Which could be a problem…
JANE: How so?
DARA: Well, different species have different morals. She runs someone she doesn’t understand doing something she can’t allow, and you have interstellar war on your hands.
JANE: Like what?
DARA: Like that.
(DARA points beyond JANE, where JOHN is dangling the grumpy asari over the balcony by her feet)
JANE: I leave him alone for one minute! I gotta go. Where can I find Samara?
DARA: I don’t know, ask a taxi driver!
(JANE rushes over to JOHN, who is just hauling the dizzy asari back over the side. She quickly signs a paper, and runs away as fast her legs can carry her.)
JANE: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
JOHN: Negotiating. She wouldn’t come up with a decent deal, so I offered to let her down easy.
GARRUS: The part about the busy traffic underneath was especially encouraging.
MORDIN: Subject eager to cooperate. Mission accomplished.
(SHIALA comes running up and thanks them for their help. She is especially grateful to JOHN, whispering something in his ear that makes him smirk.)
JANE: That’s enough of that now.
SHIALA: Bye! Thanks again!
JOHN: Heheheh… Bye! Guess what she said!
JANE: I don’t want to know. Now don’t dangle anyone off the ledge while I get us a cab!
(JANE walks over to the cab machine, which strangely enough has only one option entitled “Justicar Alley” She selects it and a cab appears)
EXT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
(The cab pulls to a stop in what appears to be the seedy part of seedyville. As they exit the cab, they see a sign for “Police Station.” They enter, and JANE & MORDIN have a seat at a desk marked DETECTIVE ANAYA, while JOHN & GARRUS investigate the vending machine)
DETECTIVE ANAYA: What can I do to help you? If it involves bribes, see that guy on the Citadel.
JANE: No, nothing like that. I’m just trying to find a Justicar. You wouldn’t happen to know what one is, would you?
DET. ANAYA: Er… They’re sort of like warrior monks. They follow a strict code. None of us knows what it is, but given the fact that you get killed if you break it, we all stick to it whenever we’re around them.
JANE: They can kill indiscriminately for no reason? Other than this code thing?
DET. ANAYA: Well, they kill anyone they see breaking the law around them. (Looks pointedly at JOHN with his arm halfway in the vending machine) And they usually have some sort of lifelong mission, but they will stop and help any good cause that asks.
MORDIN: Detours might explain why mission “lifelong”.
DET. ANAYA: Out of complete curiosity, why do you want to find her?
(They continue ignoring the drama in the corner, wherein JOHN and now GARRUS have both got their arms stuck in the vending machine)
JANE: I need to hire her for a job. Need to go save the universe. Again.
DET. ANAYA: (Huge sigh of relief) Oh thank God! My idiotic bosses have ordered me to arrest her so she doesn’t kill anyone important around here. We’ve never had to deal with Justicars this far out, no one’s been following any rules, and if she gets anywhere near the trading floor, there’s going to be hell to pay.
JANE: But you don’t want to.
DET. ANAYA: No way. I haven’t survived this long in this neighborhood by being ambitious.
JANE: It’s a suicidal order. You should refuse. What can they do that’s worse?
DET. ANAYA: It’s rumored they’re looking for another envoy to the quarian fleet. The last one put herself out the airlock. They say her last words were “Ahhh peace and quiet at last!”
JANE: Oh… that is serious. So where can I find Samara?
DET. ANAYA: Somewhere back of the police line. Some corrupt volus got himself killed the other night and she wanted to go back there.
JANE: And you said yes?
DET. ANAYA: Do I look ambitious? When the Justicar is around, you do what the Justicar says. Then you get to stay around too.
(JANE gets up and goes to the vending machine where JOHN and GARRUS look up guiltily. She puts a hand on each of their heads and slams them together. The shock and change of position is enough to loosen their arms from the vending machine, but only JOHN is able to hold on to his candy bar)
INT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: BLUSTERY DAY
(As JANE, JOHN, GARRUS, and MORDIN approach the door to where they are supposed to find SAMARA, they hear a smashing sound. They open the door, only to see a body whiz biotically by. Following it flying biotically is an older Asari who is wearing a skin tight red leather jumpsuit with a high collar. To JOHN’s delight, this collar is detached and the jumpsuit is zipped down to the Asari’s mid abdomen, showing off the majority of … well, you get the idea.)
JANE: That’s a Warrior MONK?
MORDIN: It would appear that zipper is made of titanium to withstand such stress.
GARRUS: I need to do some calibrations.
JOHN: Habbabda habbada huh?
SAMARA: (To victim) Tell me the name of the ship!
VICTIM: The S.S. I Am Entirely Too Loyal For My Own Good!
SAMARA: Wrong answer.
(Politely as possible, SAMARA smashes the VICTIM’s head in. JOHN is drooling open mouthed now, and twisting his head at an odd angle for a better view of … the body. SAMARA wipes her hands and steps over to the NORMANDY team)
SAMARA: I see a heavily armed team of soldiers in front of me. Behind me you will note the remains of the last heavily armed team of soldiers I encountered. Are we going to have a problem?
JANE: Nope. I don’t think so, but I would like to point out that it’s not nice to kill prisoners like that. It’s not important. Just thought I’d bring it up.
SAMARA: Oh that’s nice dear. I appreciate that you care. What’s wrong with your fellow over here? He looks like he’s about to have a seizure.
JANE: Oh, no! Er… I mean, he’s one of my crew. My brother actually. Don’t let him worry you. He’s got a mental condition. We call it Tourrette’s Syndrome. Uh… it makes him say really stupid things and like …
JOHN: Are those real???
JANE: Well, like that. You just ignore anything he says or does, because chances are he doesn’t know he’s doing it.
JOHN: I what? Listen you sneaky little skank, you stole my command out from under me, you put me on janitor duty, and you were probably the one who told Jack I had a tiny … (notices JANE’s rapid throat cutting gesture and trails off) … Did I say something again?
JANE: Why of course not, Johnny. You just be a good boy and go out and wait for us in hall, OK?
JOHN: OK, sis! (JOHN mouths something nasty as he walks away).
JANE: It’s quite sad, really. One time I only barely stopped him from killing an entire village in one of his episodes.
MORDIN: (Nudged by JANE for corroboration) Mentally disturbed. No cure.
GARRUS: But a great guy when he’s not hanging people off ledges!
SAMARA: That’s nice dear. Now what did you want to see me about?
JANE: I don’t know if you’d be interested, but I have an impossible cause, and I need warrior monks like you to help me pull it off… Err. I mean put it together… I mean… do it.
SAMARA: Oh my, I love impossible causes! Almost as much as I love making apple pies and embroidery sets! But I simply can’t go until you find the name of the ship my fugitive left on. Of course, I can’t tell you who or what the fugitive is, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out.
DET. ANAYA: I wish you’d have gone with them, Ma’am. I’m going to have to arrest you. With these lightweight handcuffs. Which I’m bringing over extremely slowly. Did I mention I have a glass jaw? One tiny punch and I’m out like a light.
SAMARA: Those will not be necessary. I’ll come with you. We can chat while Shepard here does all the work. You will help, won’t you dear?
(Before JANE has a chance to reply, SAMARA walks away with DET. ANAYA. Frustrated, JANE follows them out. Before she gets very far, she sees a sign that says: “Eclipse Hideout: No non-murderers allowed!” A few shiny buttons pressed in the right order, and it opens and allows them entry. They ride an elevator down.)
JOHN: Tourette’s Syndrome? Do I look like a retard to you?
JANE: What you look like is beside the point. If I didn’t give her a reason to ignore you and quick, you were going to get us all killed! Besides it’s a good cover. If you stay out of her way, then whatever idiotic things you do around her can be blamed on your insufficient brain.
JOHN: My brain is not Insuffoshyont!
JANE: Whatever. Go kill those robots!
(JOHN storms out and smashes through some rather poor defenses. However, halfway through it becomes apparent that in addition to being terrible shots, these Eclipse mercenaries also have very little survival sense, and left containers of toxic gas sitting everywhere. A few well placed shots, and the team is most of the way through the Eclipse base. After picking up a few modded shotguns, they hear a whimpering in a side room)
JANE: Is anyone there?
(The whimpering stops and a scared looking Asari pops out, stuttering excuses)
ASARI: I didn’t shoot at you, I swear. I was just… admiring the scenery down here, and someone shoved a gun in my hand and said I had to shoot at you. But I didn’t. I shot at those pretty red boxes you were hiding behind!
JOHN: You were down here admiring the scenery?
ASARI: Yep… that was it. (Pretends to flirt with JOHN) And boy is it getting better all the time.
JANE: So you were admiring the scenery, and only shooting the pretty red boxes full of poison?
ASARI: (Eagerly) Yep. Uh huh. That’s all!
JOHN: Can we shoot her?
ASARI: BLEEP That!
(She unslings her gun and shoots JOHN in the chest. John’s shield absorbs all of it and suddenly she is facing four heavily armed soldiers. She drops her gun faster than JANE can say “That”)
JANE: That was stupid.
ASARI: (Friendly grin) Just testing. Yep, your shields are definitely working. Well, I’ll be on my way now. Look out for those pretty red boxes!
JOHN: Let me shoot her!
JANE: Nah. I want to see what she does in Mass Effect 3.
MORDIN: She had better obtain better armaments if she wishes to be included.
(Moving past more “pretty red boxes” and a few stubborn mercenaries who were too high to hide in the closet, they eventually make their way to the final hallway, wherein stands a rather strange looking Volus who smells like he has had far too many beans for comfort.)
VOLUS: Fear me! For I am a Biotic God!
GARRUS: You’re a what?
(The VOLUS bends over and farts with a great amount of effort, creating a smelly biotic push that stirs their hair gently)
VOLUS: A Biotic God! I think things and they happen. I am all powerful! (Fart)
JANE: Well, you’re certainly a Biotic wind, but we’ve got this under control.
VOLUS: No! I will toss them about with a tempest! (Fart)
JOHN: Hey what’s that over there?
(The VOLUS turns to look, but JOHN knocks him on the head with his rifle and he lays on the floor unconscious. They proceed to the Boss Chamber)
BOSS: Oh come on! First a Space Vampire, then a Justicar, then that Smelly Biotic God, and now a bunch of humans? Does no one read the “Murderers Only” sign?
JOHN: If it’s any consolation, I’m a great murderer!
BOSS: (Throwing a Pretty Red Box of poison at him) It’s not.
(Several minutes later, they emerge from the cover, successful but stoned out of their minds.)
JOHN: Wow. I loved that battle. It was so, so… I don’t know. So I Don’t KNOW!
GARRUS: Are any of you hungry? I’m hungry. I’m so hungry I could eat a whole pile of donuts. They never gave us decent donuts at C-sec….
JANE: Dude, I’m high, and you’re still boring me. Shut up already.
(MORDIN has dozed off on his feet and falls over onto the desk, drooling on a tablet that is sitting on top of a huge pile. He wakes up slightly)
MORDIN: Hey… uh… Guys! This … HA HA HA (He goes into a laughing fit and then falls asleep on the desk again)
JANE: This … this yellow thing. It has important stuff on it. We should take it back… yeah. Take it back to the Busty-car! Hahehehah
JOHN: Busty-car! Priceless! Heheheheh!
GARRUS: They never let the Women at C-Sec wear those uniforms. If they had, I wouldn’t have minded it so much.
JANE: Put a sock in it Garrus!
INT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: TEA BREAK
(They walk the long trek back to the police station. Being wasted, it takes longer with all the wrong turns, and by the time they get back its morning and they are all fairly sober, except MORDIN, who is draped over JOHN’s back)
JANE: Samara, oh Samara!
SAMARA: Do you have the name of the ship?
JANE: Nope. John does.
JOHN: No. Garrus does.
GARRUS: They never gave us decent tablets at C-sec. Not like this one with some ship’s name on it.
(OK, so maybe they aren’t completely sober… )
SAMARA: Oh goody. Well I’m so happy that you got this for me that I’ll go on your little mission to save the world. Who did you say it was for?
JANE: Interstellar Terrorists. Or was that Freedom Fighters… I forget.
SAMARA: Oh, how nice. Well I promised to come help, so I will. But first I must swear an oath to you so I won’t kill you at your first infraction, which judging by your bloodshot eyes, might be very soon.
JOHN: Cool. Is that vending machine still over there?
(SAMARA gets on her knees and ghostly biotic light surrounds her as she says the solemn words)
SAMARA: By the Code, I will serve you, Shepard. I vow to leap from life to life, righting what once was wrong. Your choices will be my choices, your morals my morals. Except for the morals I don’t like. Those I can kill you for when we get done. Alrighty then.
JANE: That vow… it sounds familiar. You don’t know anyone named ‘Al’ do you?
SAMARA: Al? Why, whoever do you mean?
JANE: Short guy, invisible to anyone but you, smokes a cigar constantly?
SAMARA: The strange fantasies these humans have… No, dear, I haven’t seen him. Now where would you like me to stay?
JANE: Where do you want to stay?
SAMARA: A room with a view would be nice.
JANE: Absolutely. Just move into the port side viewing room.
JOHN: HEY! That’s my room!
JANE: Not anymore. Put your stuff into the life support area.
JOHN: I hate you.
SAMARA: Thank you Commander Shepard. I’m looking forward to serving with an honorable company of heroes.
(JANE holds her face solemnly still until SAMARA is out of earshot, and then breaks down laughing)
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Post by Clint Johnston on Mar 2, 2011 6:21:20 GMT 1
Heeeeeerreee's chapter 11! Enjoy!Mock Effect 2
Chapter 11: Going Up?
INT:NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY(Having come off her red sand high, JANE stops by SAMARA’s room to see if she did anything really embarrassing. Samara is meditating on the floor and a freaky blue light is emanating from her eyes. Jane coughs discreetly and Samara stands up.)JANE: Just stopping by to see how you’re settling in. You’re not big on furniture, are you?
SAMARA: I am well. Though I would ask you to do me a favor.
JANE: Sure. What do you need? A butt cushion?
SAMARA: Oh, my, that would be nice, but I would also like an explanation of a strange encounter I had with your crew.
JANE: What did Johnny do now?
SAMARA: Your brother? Nothing that can’t be explained by his unfortunate condition. I’m sure getting stuck in the ventilation shafts above the women’s showers is just part of life when struggling with Tourette’s. No, I ran into Jacob, Miranda, and Garrus in the galley. They all seemed particularly amused at something, and I asked them why. They said they were simply pleased at my presence on board the ship. Jacob said something about their having studied my profile extensively and being satisfied with my performance, the entire area broke down in laughter. Perhaps it’s my lack of experience with your race, but the humor in his statement eludes me. What was so clever in that straightforward comment?
JANE: Uh… well … he was referring to… er… that is… (mutters) No, I am not pissing off a biotic on my new ship, I don’t care if it’s the paragon thing to do! (normal voice) Just ignore them Samara. They are in shock at having such a … distinguished … new comrade.
SAMARA: All right, dear, it’s already forgotten. Now may I get back to my meditations?
JANE: Don’t you want to know anything about our mission? Who we’re working for?
SAMARA: Oh, never you mind that, dear. Samara doesn’t worry herself with little things like facts. Your picking up a shipping manifest for me is enough to ensure my loyalty through just about anything except creating a huge biotic shield in a disaster area.
JANE: It doesn’t bother you that you’re working for terrorists?
SAMARA: Now, now, dear, that delightful Yeoman Chambers assured me that they are nothing of the kind. She said you were a bit paranoid about them, but I wasn’t to worry.
JANE: She did, did she?
SAMARA: When you’ve been in unrestricted law enforcement as long as I have, dear, you don’t mind working for a few mass murderers now and again. Or was that murdering a few of the working masses? Never you mind. I’ll be here staring out into nothingness if you need me.
JANE: Right. Thanks. Enjoy… that. (Shaking her head at the unique luck that every person they’d been sent to recruit was a complete crackpot , JANE makes her way to the Med Bay, where she finds JOHN taking a nap on one of the stretchers)JANE: (Shaking him) Come on, you little pervert, we have an assassin to find.
JOHN: (sleepily) No, Mom, she was just a friend! I have no idea what her father is talking about… Huh? Did someone say Ass?
JANE: Ass-assin. As in one of those fellows who’s preventing the Templars from taking over the world by making sure we don’t enjoy our ignorance?
JOHN: Hey I loved that game. Except for the hiding in hay bales business. Are there seriously any guards who don’t notice someone’s venetian blue butt sticking out of a hay bale?
JANE: I’m sure we’ll talk more about this later. Let’s get moving! Liara said to talk to a “Seryna.” (Selecting GRUNT & JACK at random, they disembark, and proceed to SEYRNA’s Office)JANE: Seryna?
SERYNA: For the last time, I had nothing to do with that “killnassananow.com” extranet site. Just drop it!
JANE: What website? Liara T’Soni said you could help us find a guy named Thane.
SERYNA: That power broker who used to be an archaeologist? She never called me back! That’s what I get for drinking too much. She probably decided I’m bitter or something.
JANE: Bitter enough to hire an assassin? Perhaps one named Thane?
SERYNA: I mean, it’s not like I didn’t work my ass off for that company, and then find out the boss is a sadistic murderess. Why shouldn’t I be bitter? I just haaaad to google her. It’s a shame really, I would have been good enough to stop a legendary assassin like Thane from getting to her.
JOHN: So where is this guy?
SERYNA: I mean, I’m not overly bitter about losing my top of the line job on this planet of sorority girls where status is everything, I’m just resentful that it happened to me. Just think of the health benefits I lost.
JOHN: You’re going lose your head benefit if you don’t shut up and start telling me where we can find that assassin.
SERYNA: Fine. Be that way. He’s sneaking up the Dantius Towers tonight. I can take you over there if you want. It’ll give me time to explain why I gave away all of Nassana’s secrets to a complete stranger.
JACK: TAXI!!!!!!!!!! (A Taxi pulls up to the window, and the SHEPERDS pile in, followed hastily by GRUNT and JACK. They close the door in SERYNA’s face but not before a certain phalange is raised in mock farewell. )INT:DANTIUS TOWERS:FIRST FLOOR:NIGHT(The taxi takes them to the DANTIUS TOWERS, but the driver sensibly refuses to go to the top floor and lets them off half way up the second tower. Just as they step out of the taxi, they spot some Mechs shooting at some very scared salarians. After a short skirmish, they approach the lone survivor)WOUNDED SALARIAN: Help! I’m bleeding! Or I assume that’s what this green stuff is. Ow. Yep. Definitely bleeding.
JANE: Who shot you?
WS: Uh… you were there. Those Robots? You shot them? Remember? Figures I get the one rescuer in the world with no short term memory. By the way… still bleeding.
JANE: But why would they shoot you?
GRUNT: I believe we can attribute this to an assurance from the developers that antagonists of this mission are truly evil and deserve death. Therefore, they may be killed with impunity and no moral implications need be considered.
JACK: Hey! Krogan are supposed to be dumb. You’re big and dumb, I’m a crazy bitch. Stick to the script!
JOHN: Yeah, Wrex! Stick to the script!
GRUNT: I’m not Wrex. See, no gravel in my voice when I say “Shepard”
JANE: Whatever, Wrex. Now why did they shoot you?
WS: At this point, I don’t care. Again, I’m bleeding to death here, is this really the time to interrogate me?
JOHN: Seems fine to me. You’re here. We’re here. You can answer questions. (The Wounded Salarian’s Eye roll goes further than he intended, and he falls unconscious due to blood loss. JANE finally takes the hint and puts some medigel on his wounds. The WS’s breathing improves, but he doesn’t get up and dance any highland flings. The team continues their ascent. Nassana’s Mercenaries and Robots, feeling very guilty from their afternoon atrocities, commit suicide by running en masse at the heavily armed troop wandering through their hallways.)JOHN: Did you hear something?
JANE: Sounded like the elevator.
JACK: BLEEPin’ more of them?
GRUNT: (Dispirited) We kill. Rah. (A few overly regretful Mercs step out of the Elevator into heavy fire. Thanks to Bioware’s convenient if awkward DLC, JACK & GRUNT’s Geth Plasma Cannons take them all out before JOHN gets a shot or wisecrack in edgewise. JANE pauses to unlock a side door before going upstairs)JOHN: Why do you keep doing that?
JANE: There might be loot inside!
JOHN: This is not Dragon Age or Fallout! There is no good stuff hidden in every room! (The door opens and three nervous Salarians peek out)S1: uh… Hi?
S2: Can we help you?
S3: We’re just hiding from certain death, don’t mind us.
JANE: You can come out now, we’ve killed all the mercenaries on this floor.
S1: We’re fine in here thanks.
S2: You people do not look like you’re here for the Christmas party.
S3: Human Resources is upstairs.
JACK: Wait, you mean you BLEEPin’ knew they were killers?
S1: Well, we needed a job, and we’re honorable employees who keep all the terms of our respective contracts.
S2: And bad things happened to people who clocked out early.
S3: And they had the elevator closed down. I am not walking down all those stairs. My union would have a fit!
JOHN: So you work for a murderous psychopath who kills people to make minor advances in her goals?
JANE: Gee, I can’t imagine what that’s like. (After JOHN “borrows their wallets” and JACK takes the remaining medical supplies and credits left in the room, they lock them back in, with JANE still shaking her head at the stupidity of their [and her] position. They go upstairs, slowly walking up on a Mercenary having a conversation on his Bluetooth.)INT:DANTIUS TOWERS:SECOND FLOOR:NIGHTMERC: Yeah, man, that sucks. If she was worth it at all, she would have stuck around. I don’t care who you cheated on her with. Yeah. Uh-huh. REALLY? No way! (JANE taps him on the shoulder)MERC: Listen, Lady, I’m on the phone. Yeah, Charlie? I don’t know what. Some bunch of idiots wants to talk to me. Yeah, I told them I was on the phone. Now what were you saying about the blonde? No way! I would have sworn that … (GRUNT hits him on the back)MERC: Hey, Man! I’m talking here! No, Charlie, just some dumb bitch who won’t take no for an answer. I know, right? Some people have no telephone etiquette these days. Last week I was at the Mercs-r-us, and this woman chatted the whole time we were in line, and I’m thinking she’s into me, right? No. She’s on her fricking headset! (JOHN shoots a hole in the floor between the MERC’s legs)JOHN: The next one will be higher.
MERC: Listen, Charlie, I gotta let you go. Something’s come up. No, don’t worry about it, I’ll call you later. (To them) Can I HELP you?
JANE: We want to know where the assassin is.
MERC: What assassin? I’ve been out here on the phone.
JOHN: (To JACK) Watch this, I’m going to shove him up against the wall and swear at him, he’ll tell us everything. (Even as JANE says “WAIT!!!!!!!!” JOHN grabs the MERC by the collar shoves him up against what must be the most fragile window in skyscraper history. He loses control and the Merc plunges through the minor barrier to a painful demise)MERC: Nooooooooo Waaaaaayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! (JOHN is only prevented from going through the window himself by JANE’s sticking out a foot to trip him as he got close. He is hauled to safety, though unhappy at the MERC’s Demise)JOHN: Man, I had a good one liner all ready! “How About Goodbye?”
JANE: What is this, Die Hard?
GRUNT: The similarities are hard to ignore. I would wager fifty credits that body lands on a police vehicle’s roof.
JACK: We are not having a conversation about BLEEPin’ Twinkies! Got it?! (JOHN’s disappointed mutterings are cut off by a body dropping through the air vent, and the sounds of someone crawling in the ventilation shafts.)VOICE IN VENTS: Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs, they said. But nooooo.
JANE: We should go. (Their brief encounter with the commando’s “team” not being even worth significant detail, they find another room of very scared salarians who have no concept of common sense, but are helpful enough with directions to the bridge to Nassana’s penthouse. The team goes up a flight and come across a speaker phone)NASSANA: HELLO? Is anyone there? Is the one security guard scenario again? Hasn’t it been overworked?
JOHN: Actually, Ma’am, there are four of us. And we think one guy in the vents.
JANE: HEY!
JOHN: What? It’s not like it’s not the first place they look anymore. They shoot a couple of rounds in them to satisfy their curiosity, all of which miss the hero by inches, then everyone moves on. It’s standard procedure.
NASSANA: He’s right. And you wouldn’t believe what’s in the stupid henchman contracts these days. Life Insurance! So who do you think you are anyway? John Wayne? Will Kane? Rambo?
JOHN: (waving the others off) I got this. (to speaker) I was always partial to Roy Rogers, myself.
NASSANA: We will get you, you know.
JOHN: Yippee-Kai-Yay, Mother-(BLAM, JANE shoots the speaker box) HEY! Are you trying to make this like Die Hard 4? Censored? A good F-bomb livens things up a little!
JANE: God, I hope this story turns out better than Die Hard 4. There are some things that shouldn’t be resurrected.
GRUNT: Nostalgia trumps plotline in every drama, or “we see what we wish to see” (They keep going, eventually reaching a bridge full of determined mercenaries who forgot the most important part of working on the roof of an unfinished skyscraper: Parachutes. JACK’s biotic bowling balls send most of them over the side and the rest scurrying for cover. The team opens Nassana’s office door with little difficulty)NASSANA: YOU! You’re dead!
JOHN: I got better.
JANE: Forgive him. He thinks life is one big action movie.
NASSANA’S AIDE: Don’t worry, she’s the same way. She thinks she’s the new queen of the mafia. Just because she talked some idiot into killing her sister.
JANE: Well, there are all those bodies of innocent workers down there…
AIDE: She’s into realism.
JOHN: We’re waiting for the big show.
NASSANA: What show?
JOHN: (Suddenly puzzled) Ummm… no show in particular. We were just out for a walk, and Jane said there would be a show here.
NASSANA: So you slaughtered your way through my contingent of bodyguards to … see a show?
JOHN: Er… yeah. Jane said it was really great.
NASSANA: Right. What is that you want? (JANE & the AIDE share mutual expressions of disgust. A small sound comes from the air vents, as if someone just stubbed their toe on a bracer)JACK: Offer us money!
AIDE: Ma’am, did you hear that?
NASSANA: Fine. And no, I didn’t hear anything. (Meanwhile, in the background, Nassana’s remaining guards begin to vanish up the air vents one by one.)GRUNT: Power too!
AIDE: Ma’am, someone’s in the vents!
NASSANA: Sure, all the power you want. Nonsense! I had someone shoot a few holes in them a few minutes ago. (The guard next to the AIDE clutches her neck and falls unconscious.)JOHN: Offer me anything I ask for!
AIDE: Ma’am, I quit! This job is too stressful! (Runs for her life)
NASSANA: Anything you want! What was her problem?
THANE: (dropping down beside NASSANA) I want my father back, you son of a bitch. (He pulls a blaster out of his holster and almost tenderly shoots her in the stomach, laying her to rest on her massive desk.)THANE: Actually, she had nothing to do with my father, but seeing as most of this scene was ripped off from Princess Bride, I thought only polite to finish it properly. (THANE folds his hands in prayer, but is interrupted from the table)NASSANA: OOOooooowwwwwww. That hurts. A lot. I’m gonna get sepsis from this, aren’t I? Probably hit a few blood vessels too. Ow. Nope. I’m still here. HEY! You shot me! In the gut! When I can get up, I’m going to have your – (THANE double taps her head, then returns to praying)
GRUNT: Are either of you going to point out that she doesn’t deserve prayer? It was well established earlier that her character was ruthless and without any sort of pity.
JOHN: I’m thinking I’m not going to interrupt the guy who just took out 7 mercs with his bare hands and a bit of fishing twine, but if you want to bother him, be my guest.
JANE: I’m with him.
THANE: I’m not praying for her. I’m praying for me. If this “rescue” is any indicator of what I’m in for, I’m going to need it.
JANE: A valid point. How do you feel about taking on jobs for terrorists with good intentions?
THANE: I was going to retire, but I suppose one last job wouldn’t hurt.
JOHN: Dude, never say that!
THANE: What, “one last job can’t hurt”?
JOHN: No! “Retire” It’s a sure sign the writers are trying to kill you off!
THANE: Oh they already did that. I’m dying.
JANE: Crap. All this climbing for nothing.
THANE: No, not necessarily. I’m not dead yet, but I desperately need to bring my karma up a few levels before kicking the bucket, or I’m going to end up where they make you dance the funky chicken while listening to Justin Bieber for eternity.
JANE: Well I don’t know about Karma, but we are going after bad guys who have kidnapped entire colonies.
THANE: Hmm, that might be enough, but just in case, I had better do this mission for free. It can’t be hurt to be seen as altruistic by any flying spaghetti monsters up there.
JANE: That’s fine by me. See you on the ship. INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: DAYJACOB: Welcome to the Normandy, Krios. Sounds like you’ll be an asset to the team… if they like assassins!
THANE: Is there a problem?
JANE: No. The writers thought it would be fun to stick a little jealousy in here since they think that the only reason I would bring a male character on board is to have sweaty alien sex with him.
JOHN: Ewww! Gross!
JACOB: I had a shot until you got here, Krios!
JANE: No you didn’t. And neither does he, for the record.
JOHN: I think I’m gonna barf.
THANE: Hmm. Well, where should I stay?
JANE: Where do you want to stay?
THANE: Warm and dry would be nice. I’m a lizard man, so it’s kind of obvious.
EDI: The warmest and driest place on the ship is presently Window Washer Shepard’s Quarters in the life support area.
JOHN: What? Wait a second. Not again. Not my room. I will fight to the death for my room, Jane. Not gonna happen!
JANE: Fine. Thane, your choice of weapon?
THANE: I choose my little finger. Though that might make the contest a bit short. Sorry. I’ve had a long day.
JOHN: HA! Your pinkie? You’re going to try and kill me with your pinkie? (JOHN’s smirk fades as THANE waggles said finger)JOHN: You know, on second thought, I think I’ll move down to engineering. Scotty and that other chick have a ton of extra space, and I don’t snore too much… so I think I’ll move down there.
THANE: (cracking his knuckles) A wise decision.
JANE: Thanks, Johnny. I knew I could count on you. (JOHN walks off muttering…)JOHN: Window Washer Shepard? JANE!
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Post by Clint Johnston on Apr 8, 2011 20:32:28 GMT 1
Happy Birthday! Or well, it's my birthday soon, and you guys deserve some of the joy. Fake cakes welcome. I prefer chocolate.Mock Effect 2
Chapter 12: Sunny Side of the StreetINT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY(JANE SHEPARD, having noticed a surprising lack of office supplies, has stopped by KASUMI’s room to investigate. She is surprised not to see a pile of staplers but rather a sophisticated looking nook wherein KASUMI is reading on the couch)JANE: Glad to see you’re settling in here!
KASUMI: It’s hard to stay in one place this long. But stealing the occasional tape dispenser makes me feel better (Hands it to JANE)
JANE: Aha! Jack will be pleased to have this back. Her outfit was drifting occasionally.
KASUMI: Being another female wearing a skintight uniform, I’m not one to talk, but does that woman ever wear clothes?
JANE: Only if you bought the first alternate appearance pack. Stupid DLC.
KASUMI: Oh, I know what you mean. I can only speak in 3 sentence fragments unless you touch my stuff.
JANE: At least you have a bar in here. All Zaeed has is the garbage disposal.
KASUMI: Let’s face it, you’re nowhere near lucky. So far you’re stuck working for terrorists and hiring assassins, creeps, and mercenaries all of whom have daddy issues.
JANE: How did you know about that, I haven’t done any loyalty missions yet!
KASUMI: I’m a master thief, remember? I filched a copy of Kelly’s list. Boy, are you in for it.
JANE: Keep it up and I won’t do yours.
KASUMI: Mine is one of the more interesting ones. Well minus the obvious “James Bond enters the Matrix” vibe.
JANE: You should’ve just taken the blue pill Jane…
KASUMI: Hey, while you’re still here, can you let me know if you and Jacob have something going? I like to fantasize about him when I’m not grieving the gruesome death of my last lover.
JANE: Oh no, you can have him.
KASUMI: And could you fill me in the sexual harassment protocols on a Cerberus ship? When I waltz through the control room in this skintight suit I get the uncomfortable feeling that people are watching me.
JANE: Funny you should mention that, Miranda has the same complaint. Haven’t heard anything from Jack, though. Or Crewman Knight for that matter. Perhaps you could consider not dressing in skintight pajamas to sneak about the ship? I’m sure once we find Crewman Knight’s body everyone will be much more respectful.
KASUMI: That’s all I have. Come back after a mission to see if I can think of any new comments. (JANE waves and walks next door to THANE’s new quarters on the life support deck. THANE is sitting at his table staring into reactor that powers the ship. He appears to be either in a trance state or half asleep)JANE: Hey there sunshine, mind if I sit down?
THANE: Oh. Right. Sitting. I sat down once, no twice, no 758 times in the last year. Or was that 832? Should meditating count?
JANE: Up to you. You really have a vivid memory, huh?
THANE: Perhaps. It is a gift and a curse. Let’s just say that there are certain memories that aren’t great. That day in the doctor’s office, for example.
JANE: Oh yeah, that’s right you’re dying. You were going to explain that to me.
THANE: Think of it as metastasized alien lung cancer. No way you can save me, no matter how many fan threads you put up. Though it is highly probable that a heretofore unnamed relative of mine will make an appearance.
JANE: I’m sure I’ll hear about it when Kelly catches up to me. She thinks I’m in engineering right now. That should keep her occupied for a few more minutes. Now about this disease…
THANE: Don’t worry, you can’t catch it unless you suicidally live on a wet planet when your body was built for a dry one.
JANE: Good to know. How come you have it?
THANE: Guess.
JANE: I’m not that stupid. I meant how come you stayed on the ocean planet instead of moving somewhere nicer?
THANE: Uhhh…. I had a good job. And my people made an ancient deal with the Hanar… so I was stuck.
JANE: Right. They trained you to be a ruthless assassin, and they never once considered moving your hq to a warmer drier planet? Have you never heard employee rights? At the very least you should sue for workman’s comp.
THANE: Assassin’s don’t get workman’s comp. The retirement package is being allowed to live, and only then it’s an iffy. Ask Sly Stallone. Or that weird elf from Dragonage.
JANE: Use a breather?
THANE: Oh. I don’t think anyone’s ever thought of that. We’re good at killing people. Survival… not so much.
JANE: Glad I could help.
THANE: Hmm. If you’re finished, I’d like to return to my meditations.
JANE: Right. See ya. Oh, if you get the time, hook me up with some more probes for planet strip mining. Gotta catch ‘em all! INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY(On her way to the control room, KELLY approaches the commander, finally having gotten out of the engineering deck.)KELLY: Oh there you are! I have been, like, looking for you all over! The Illusive Man has got one more person for you to pick up.
JANE: Oh really. Who?
KELLY: The Engineer. Like, she does doors and hacking and stuff.
JANE: I meant, what’s her name? Samus? Zelda? Hawke?
KELLY: I’m not supposed to tell you. The Illusive man, like, made me promise on a stack of bibles. Or were those cookbooks? I didn’t read the titles. But I did promise.
JANE: Don’t make me go hardball on you.
KELLY: I promised!
JANE: Ohhh, Johnny! (Into mike) (JOHN’s voice comes through, but it becomes obvious that he is trying in vain to hide out in the Cockpit. JANE reconvenes the meeting therein)JANE: John, tell little miss valley girl here that she had better tell me who we’re picking up, or you’ll throw her out an airlock.
JOHN: Why don’t you tell her?
JANE: I don’t want the renegade points. You already have the meter full, so you can be nasty with impunity. (At JOHN’s hopeful smile) WHEN I say so.
JOHN: Hmmm.. So now you want my help, huh? First it’s all “Johnny scrub the toilets” and then it’s “Johnny fix the sinks” and now it’s “Johnny, intimidate the suspect.” Why should I help you? What will you give me in return?
JANE: Fine, you can have the Cubans back. But you have to be wearing clothes when you walk around smoking them. Your clothes. A full outfit. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night.
JOHN: That’s it? My cigars? Not my comfy room with the bar? Not my job as your co-commander? Not even a visit with the consort? How about you just throw in a crate of omni-gel and I can be exactly nowhere?
JANE: Don’t cross me, brother. You will regret it.
JOHN: That’s funny, I don’t think I will. So, no, I will not intimidate the hot redhead. Incidentally, I need her to go feed my fish.
JANE: You don’t have any fish.
JOHN: I would if you let me do anything around here!
JANE: I let you do plenty!
JOHN: Like what? Taking over the air filters?
JANE: Like my dumbass redhead assistant!
JOHN: OH yeah?
JANE: OH YEAH! (You get the idea... Eventually they run out of energy and names to yell at one another, and resentfully they pull up at the planet specified, landing with quieter teammates KASUMI & THANE. But upon touchdown, EDI radios them some disturbing news)EXT: HAESTROM: RUINS: DAYEDI: I’m sorry Shepard, but the ship’s DVR did not record last nights’ “Dancing with the Stars”. It seems someone changed the settings to record “Blasto: Tentacles of Justice”.
JANE: Damnit John!
EDI: There’s more. This planet’s sun is exploding early and consequently any exposure to direct sunlight could be deadly.
JANE: Damnit Tim!
EDI: Annnnd the planet is swarming with Geth.
JANE: Damnit, Jane…. Any good news for me, Edi?
EDI: I have successfully repaired the settings and locked out any further interference with your DVR.
JANE: Thanks Edi, we’ll take it from here. Alright people, we’re headed into hell, or at least someplace equally sunny, so keep in the shade!
KASUMI: I’m dressed entirely in black. I’m beginning to doubt my fashion sense.
JOHN: Black is cool. Except for when it’s hot. It’s hot even when it’s hot. Which is cool. (Ignoring JOHN, JANE notices that THANE is stretched out on a lawn chair that came out of nowhere and is sitting in the sun, a serene expression on his face)JANE: Thane, get back in the shade, that sun will fry you!
THANE: Shepard, I appreciate your concern, but I’m dying of metastasized alien lung cancer from living on a hydro-planet. The radiation can only shrink whatever tumors I have, and you would not believe how tough it is to get a tan where it rains all day.
KASUMI: He’s right. You should go to London sometime, you’ll see.
THANE: Worse comes to worse, I die watching the sunset.
JANE: And then I’m short an assassin. Get your butt over here, your karma needs you!
THANE: Haters. (They walk down a sloping path to a gate into an ancient compound. JANE optimistically ignores the Quarian body left blocking the door. Beyond the door they fight a small battle with Geth, coming eventually to a destroyed campsite with quarian and geth bodies littered around it. One of them has a active radio that is squawking. While JOHN and KASUMI loot the bodies, JANE answers)JANE: Hello? Who is this?
RADIO: Squad leader Kal’Reegar, what the hell are you boys playing at? We’re sitting ducks out here!
JANE: We’re not having that much fun ourselves. Incidentally neither are your troops. They are presently vulture food, if any vulture was stupid enough to go out for a jaunt.
RADIO: Damn. So that’s what all that screaming was about. I thought the boss was simply on the wrong channel again.
JANE: The boss?
RADIO: Got ‘em muted on the other channel. Not important. We’re pinned down!
JANE: And you need whoever I am to go in and save your ass?
RADIO: Got it in one. As to who you are, don’t much know, don’t much care.
JANE: So, would this be the time to interrogate you on your purpose here?
RADIO: Don’t make me unmute the boss’ channel on you.
JANE: That doesn’t sound pleasant. Right then. Onward! (Before they go any further, a geth ship flies by and blows the quarian position below them to smithereens. In addition it knocks over a nearby pillar, blocking the doorway. JANE and the team approach it, since it landed in the shade)JOHN: Alright, upsy daisy. Somebody give me a push here.
JANE: We can’t do that, it’s too tall.
THANE: I’m on the other side already.
KASUMI: It’s barely taller than me, and I’m a short Japanese girl.
JANE: The script says we go and collect some explosives from nearby ambush sites. We have to do it that way.
JOHN: You know, normally I hate going by the rules, but I’m in favor of anything that lets me shoot stuff. (They dutifully walk into the ambushes and wipe out the geth who come swarming out of the walls. When they step out of the alcove, there’s another ambush.)JANE: This doesn’t make any bloody sense. I step into the sun for five seconds and my shields go out. Yet I’m stuck behind a lousy crate while Geth Primes waltz around out there having no problems with their shielding or armor! (THANE is lounging in his lawn chair again, sipping lemonade while occasionally taking a potshot at the geth outside.)KASUMI: It’s the writers fault.
JOHN: Don’t worry, they’re on my list.
THANE: What list?
JOHN: People to violently eviscerate when ME3 is over.
JANE: When ME3 is over, I’m putting you in a mental ward. (Eventually they break through the supergeth’s blockade, plant the charges and enter the building Reegar’s troops were protecting. Inside are a few dying geth and more dead quarians. KASUMI amuses herself by breaking into an ancient wall safe while THANE and JOHN see who can look more badass in a cracked mirror. JANE steels herself and approaches the communication terminal. Sure enough, her screen fills with an image of TALI ZORAH NAR’RAYYA)TALI: Shepard??? Am I already hallucinating? I took drugs once, I remember I saw…
JANE: Yes, it’s us Tali. I guess we’re here to rescue you.
TALI: You guess? You weren’t nearly so non committal back on Freedom’s Progress.
JANE: I had just been brought back from the dead. The cynicism hadn’t kicked in yet.
TALI: Can you help me out here, Shepard? My father wanted me to get some inconspicuous geth parts for a treehouse he’s building and I seem to have gotten stuck in a vault with angry robots out here trying to kill me.
JANE: Right… A displaced admiral wants geth parts for his “treehouse” and that gets you flat in the middle of a geth ambush in front of an exploding sun? How do you get into these messes?
TALI: You got me. All I did was tell a few stories at a few family meetings, and here I am, sent on really strange missions to the middle of nowhere. It’s a big honor, they must have liked me.
JANE: Yeah, that must be it. Can you open this door on your end? I need to go relieve some stress on some robots that will never see it coming. I hate getting volunteered for stuff. (TALI opens the door, and JANE closes the comm channel. True to her word, JANE’s ire is fierce to behold, and the miniature drones that swarm the field in front of her are hastily dispatched into scrap electronics. The few Geth Primes that were hunkered down in the area run for their synthetic lives. The rest of the team follows dutifully, arriving at a shuttered room by a stairwell. At the end of the stairwell is Quarian with a rocket launcher who does not look happy)JANE: Kal’Reegar, I presume?
REEGAR: Yep, that’s me. Tali’s holed up in that bunker over there. The geth are trying to get in, but I keep firing rockets at them. (Throughout this brief conversation, JOHN is motioning urgently at JANE)JOHN: Jane…
JANE: That will keep a hacker distracted Mr. Reegar. You’ll pardon me, but your voice sounds awfully familiar
JOHN: Jane!
REEGAR: Can’t imagine why… Eerie, ain’t it?
JOHN: JANE!!!!!!!!
BOTH: WHAT?
JOHN: There’s a Geth Colossus over there. It’s got a bead on us.
REEGAR: No kidding. Why’d you think I was back here instead of out there? Not to be ungrateful, but what are you people doing here?
JANE: We came to recruit an engineer for an important mission. We used to work with Tali, and our boss apparently felt her expertise would be of use.
REEGAR: Let me get this straight. You came BACK for Tali?
JANE: Don’t rub it in. How’s she doing in there, by the way? (REEGAR changes his channel and we hear TALI talking to herself about how the geth hierarchy was formed. He quickly switches back.)REEGAR: Yeah, she’s fine. It’s going to be hard taking out that colossus, though. Me & Vera can back you up, but you’re gonna have to get close and blow it up.
JANE: Vera?
REEGAR: Yeah, Vera. This launcher’s so pretty I thought she deserved a name.
JOHN: This one’s Bianca.
THANE: Penelope
KASUMI: Gun
JANE: Thank you!
KASUMI: ..ga Din.
JANE: You people are nuts.
JOHN: I prefer “insane” How are we going to kill this thing?
JANE: I have an idea. Hand me that radio. Hmm. Ok, on the count of three, cover me! (Jane dashes out and around the corner, hiding behind conveniently placed rubble in the shade. She charges out and around to the edge of the Colossus’ area, where the geth are content to wait for her to come out.)JANE: Everyone cover your ears!
REEGAR: What… Why? (His eyelights flash) Ohh no… You can’t mean to... Cover your ears! (Even JOHN is cowed by the terror in REEGAR’s voice, and everyone does as JANE ordered. JANE turns the radio on and raises the volume to the highest level. Then, covering her own ears, she opens TALI’s channel and tosses the radio under the Colossus. TALI’s bored recitation of Krogan poetry is drowned out by mechanical screams of agony. When they stop, JANE shoots the radio to silence it, and is joined by REEGAR and the team)REEGAR: Are you out of your gorram mind?
JOHN: That shouldn’t have worked.
THANE: I fail to see why this was so dangerous.
KASUMI: Think anyone will miss this refined Iridium?
JANE: Well, I’m out of heavy weapons and I have no interest in a one on one fight with it. So I used the tools I had. Thane, I can introduce the two of you if you really want to verify it.
REEGAR: I had a captain like you once… You are gorram crazy. (mutters in Chinese and walks off) (Reluctantly, they proceed, opening the door to TALI’s refuge, wherein she is busy hacking an ancient computer)TALI: Now, let’s see, were they using windows xp or … Drat. It’s M.E. Shepard, this might take awhile.
JANE: Take your time. Call us when you’re ready. We’ll be out somewhere saving the world. Might take us a while to get to you, but you know, things happen.
TALI: Silly Shepard. It won’t take that long. Besides Reegar is already gone, my only ride off is with you.
JANE: That son of a bitch. Won’t the Migrant fleet want your data? Can’t we drop you off over there to handle things?
TALI: Nonsense. They want me to go along for the ride with you, a human working for their avowed enemies. Father said “Those sorry bastards won’t know what hit them.” He must have been especially impressed with your decisions when I served with you. He talked about Virmire all the time.
KASUMI: You were at Virmire? What Happ (JOHN clocks her with his rifle)
JANE: Poor dear. She really should learn to watch her head. You’d think a master thief would be more careful. Are you sure Reegar is gone, Tali?
TALI: He said goodbye as he left, but I couldn’t make the rest out, he was laughing so hard.
JOHN: That does it, I’m adding him to my list.
TALI: There, done. Ready to go with you.
JANE: Doggone it. Come on then. (With the Shuttle miraculously surviving another visit to the destabilizing planet, JANE, TALI, and cohort all return to the NORMANDY. JACOB is waiting for them)INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS CONFERENCE ROOMJACOB: Welcome aboard Tali Zorah.
TALI: That’s Ms. Nar’Rayya to you, Cerberus scum!
JACOB: Typical of an ignorant space-bound race, unable to accept a simple greeting.
TALI: Accept? Why should I accept a greeting from filthy life-hating terrorists!
JANE: Girls, Girls! Calm down! You can duke it out after we complete our suicide mission.
JOHN: Awww. I wanted to see that. My money was on Tali hacking his electronic belt buckle and making him drop his pants mid fight. That would have been funny!
TALI: You expect me to make nice with these people, Shepard?
JANE: (Hopefully) You could always go home?
TALI: And leave you under their control? Not likely. I’ll need a place to stay.
JANE: I have a space for you …
JOHN: Whoa now! Hold up! I am NOT giving up my bunk again. I just got all my stuff moved down to engineering, and I am NOT moving. I’ve been holding back, but I will turn this ship upside down if I have to move again! You’ll have to kill me first.
JANE: You’ve been holding back have you? Alrighty then. Since you’re so insistent, I won’t make you move anywhere else. Tali can simply move in down there with you. There’s plenty of space. You’ll be roommates!
JOHN: You wouldn’t.
JANE: I warned you there would be consequences for defying me.
JOHN: Please… please no. I’ll do anything. I’ll throw Kelly out an airlock!
JANE: Not going to happen. Have fun in engineering you two! (JANE leaves, followed by a whining JOHN. TALI starts to go but it interrupted by JACOB)JACOB: (Sing-song) Oh, Ms. Nar’Rayya? Don’t forget to introduce yourself to the Ship’s AI! EDI, this is our new engineer! (TALI hacks his electronic belt buckle and JACOB’s pants fall down)
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Post by Clint Johnston on May 7, 2011 17:01:08 GMT 1
I decided I should really get cracking on this, if the next game is coming out Q1 2012. At least I don't have much DLC to worry about  Let me know what you think!Mock Effect 2
Chapter 13: The Moron Who Would Be KingINT: NORMANDY: COMMAND DECK: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM(All of the characters we’ve met so far [JANE & JOHN SHEPARD, MIRANDA, MORDIN, JACOB, GARRUS, ZAEED, TALI, THANE, SAMARA, GRUNT, KASUMI, JACK, & KELLY] are gathered around the table to discuss their next course of action. Several groups have split off before the meeting starts. MIRANDA & MORDIN look uncomfortable while KELLY tries to cheer them up)KELLY: Isn’t Cerberus, like, awesome?! All of these… you know... smart people in one place! We should totally take a group photo!
MORDIN: Amateur photography would not be appropriate to the goals of the mission. Collectors will not stop to admire winning smiles.
MIRANDA: I hope this meeting is over with soon, I need to file my reports. And I could swear somebody pinched me!
MORDIN: Pinching. Chauvinistic expression of admiration or desire. Unsurprising, given tight fitting clothing. Suggest purchase of gear suitable to suicide mission.
MIRANDA: I ran out of Bioware points.
MORDIN: Regrettable. Might be useful in future. (THANE, SAMARA & KASUMI are discussing technique)THANE: Personally I prefer the moody stare over the lotus position, but each person has their system.
SAMARA: You don’t like to look out at the stars?
KASUMI: The view is beautiful. Incidentally, I think these buttons are yours, Samara.
SAMARA: You know what I do to wrong-doers, Kasumi. You can’t steal things from other people. It’s against the code.
KASUMI: Which you enforce with lethal measures. I know. Why do you think I’m returning them? (TALI has blocked off JACK’s escape route and is investigating a problem)TALI: Jack, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about how my cot somehow ended up getting thrown into the mass accelerator, would you?
JACK: F*** off.
TALI: Don’t make me tell you about my 6th birthday party again, Jack. I know you heard part of it when I told John & Scotty the story, but did you hear the part where I had to eat cake through an envirosuit?
JACK: (Hurriedly) It was Shepard. He said he’d tell you to come downstairs and room with me if I didn’t.
TALI: Huh. I thought he liked that story. (JOHN, JACOB, GARRUS, ZAEED & GRUNT are at the far end of the room, discussing their exploits)JOHN: So anyway, I took him by his collar shoved him up against the window. And he says “I got nuthin to say to you” and I say to him “How about goodbye?” and shoved him out for a little flying lesson.
GARRUS: Are you kidding? How does that even begin to compare with my taking down a helicopter with a sniper rifle while under assault from enemy infantry?
ZAEED: You think that was tough, try interrogating a goddam Krogan! The only way to do it is stick a knife in the right way and pull the plate right off their goddam head. And let me tell you, they don’t like that.
GRUNT: Have I introduced you to my M-300 heavy claymore shotgun? I call her “Wydonya”
JACOB: Wydonya?
GRUNT: Whydonya Try it, you one eyed crazy son of a b—
JANE: ATTENTION EVERYBODY! This meeting of crazy mercenaries anonymous will now come to order! (The conversations settle down and JANE gets out KELLY’s list of “urgent” errands)JANE: Alright, now. I have all of your requests down here. Wait, who put groceries on here?
KELLY: Gardner said it was, like, important, Ma’am.
JANE: It’s not. You’ll eat ramen noodles and like it. It’s supposed to be a delicacy, remember? (The crew groans)KASUMI: Are you sure something couldn’t happen to Gardner? I mean, you have 11 of the most dangerous people in the Galaxy here. Surely one of them knows how to cook!
SAMARA: What are you suggesting? Murder? The code does not allow for that, despite the crimes the man has committed against my stomach.
JOHN: I can cook! He can do the plumbing again!
EVERYBODY: NO!
JOHN: Damnit.
JANE: OK. To repeat myself, I have here your list of requests. We will do them in order, no butting in line. I don’t care if its revenge, justice, or turning off the stove, I’m not in the mood to deal with a dozen crazy people with urgent missions all at the same time. Jacob, you’re up first.
MIRANDA: I had my request filed first!
JANE: I’m sorry; Jacob’s is the first on Kelly’s list. Maybe you should given me a more reliable psychologist/assistant when you brought me back from the dead.
MIRANDA: TIM said she was vital. Or that is was vital to get rid of her. The message was scrambled.
KELLY: And I’m SOOOOOOOoooo glad to be here! (More Groaning)JANE: Alright, Jacob, what is it that you need?
JACOB: I was pinged by a ghost the other night.
JANE: Oh great, now the ship is haunted. What’s next, Hamlet?
JACOB: I was trying to be dramatic. What I mean is I got an e-mail from my dad.
JANE: So?
JACOB: So, it was a notification that the ship he was on had activated its distress beacon.
JANE: So? He’s not been picked up by the Alliance already?
JACOB: No… You see, he’s been missing for ten years.
JANE: Missing for ten years, and you just now get the notification? Wow, Cerberus is behind in everything.
JACOB: No… I mean that it’s just now been activated. I guess it must have taken that long to fix or something.
JANE: Well this doesn’t sound too hard. Fly to planet, pick up Robinson Crusoe, watch tearful reunion. We’ll head out shortly. Any other business? No? Then off we go. (Through the magic of space travel, they arrive in the Alpha Draconis system. EDI alerts JANE that she has detected an anomaly on 2175 Aeia. Eager to exit engineering, JACK & JOHN join JACOB & JANE on this jovial jaunt on a jungle Jupiter. The crash site is deserted, with merely ominous audio snippets left behind.)EXT: 2175 AEIA: CRASH SITE: DAYJOHN: What the hell is a Gernsback?
JACK: Damned if I know. Damned if I care.
JANE: I wonder why these audio files all play snippets from the middle. More importantly, where are the players getting power from? This ship crashed ten years ago.
VOICE: Yoo-Hoo! Over here!
JACOB: What’s that?
JANE: It appears to be a VI… In Bermuda Shorts.
VI: Hellllooo! Come over here!
JOHN: Why would it need sunglasses?
VI: Excuuuse me, these are ray bans, and when you’ve had nothing to do for over eight years, then you can design an up to date wardrobe.
JACOB: Where’s my father?
VI: That depends on just who you are. My name is Reggie. I’ve been stuck here in one place for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 22 minutes and 16 seconds. 17. 18. 19. 20. Like I said, reaallllly boring. You would not beeeelieve how many sheep I have counted jumping over the fence.
JANE: Do VI’s dream of electric sheep?
REGGIE: No… that would be silly. No, I’ve been watching local sheep jump over that fence over there for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 23 minutes and …
JACK: We get the F*****g idea.
REGGIE: (Whispers) She’s not in a very good mood. But that’s ok. I’m just happy to talk to someone intelligent for a change.
JACOB: Wait, my father didn’t talk to you? You’d think a reminder of home would be useful.
REGGIE: Aggggainnn, I can’t tell you anything about the guy without knowing who he is. And that might be more difficult than you think. You see the food here is toxic. Turns you stupid. Dumber than a box of rocks. Well, except for crucial plot points. 8 years of brain poisoning hasn’t affected those.
JOHN: I don’t see any sheep.
JANE: Well, at least we know one of us is immune.
JACOB: My father is Ronald Taylor, the first officer on the Gernsback.
REGGIE: Welllll congratulations! I’d shake your hand if I wasn’t a virtual person! Your father made captain upon arrival on this beautiful planet. Of course, that was due to the previous fellow flying through the windshield of a spaceship. Let me tell you, that was a dooooozy of a crash. I mean, there were parts flying everywhere, and that one guy got sucked up into an active engine…
JANE: So where are the survivors?
REGGIE: I WISH I knew. I have not had decent maintenance since we got here. It’s like no one thought I might like some company, sitting here for 8 years, 237 days, 7 hours, 27 minutes… I mean really, is it too much to ask for a little attention now and then? I mean, even the smoke monster gets more attention than I do.
JOHN: Smoke Monster?
REGGIE: Wait… I wasn’t supposed to mention that. Forget I said anything. I’m just so happy to have people to talk to. But don’t get caught drinking and driving. He doesn’t like that. All I’m going to say.
JANE: Why has it taken so long for the emergency signal to trigger?
REGGIE: If I kneeeeeww, would I still be here? NOooooo. I would be off on the nearest ice planet working on getting rid of my tan. Let me see if I can find out. Hmm. It doesn’t say. Guess it’s a mystery then, huh?
JANE: Guess so. Thanks for your help.
REGGIE: Annnnytime! I’ll be right here if you need me. (They walk around the bend, and are approached by a woman in rags)RAG LADY: You’re here! He said you’d be here! I’m so happy!
JACK: Huh?
JANE: Is she talking about Reggie?
RAG LADY: So, so Happy! Happy Happy Happy Happy. (She dances around JOHN, who pushes her away from him right as a bullet parts the air where she was)JACOB: We’re under attack!
JANE: Thank you, captain obvious! (With two biotics and two experienced marksmen on hand, the minor attack ends almost before it begins, with a few heavily bearded guys running for their lives.)RAG LADY: Yay! You saved me! Happy Happy Happy Happy! (resumes bouncing around JOHN, much to his annoyance)
JACK: Can I shoot her?
JANE: No. Maybe she’ll quiet down in a few minutes. (The path slopes upward, and the RAG LADY stops cheering and points to the bodies)RAG LADY: Hunters. They mean.
JANE: Hunters. Wonderful. Whatever happened to Robinson Crusoe?
JACOB: I have got to find out what is going on here! (They eventually arrive at what appears to be a makeshift camp. At the center is a strange object, almost designed like a human, but clearly of primitive design)JANE: Uh-Oh.
JACK: Where are all the Men? This is bad. (The RAG LADY has been joined by several others, who are all trying to give JOHN a massage at the same time)JOHN: I don’t know, I’m seeing some perks. Jake buddy, come over here. I can’t handle all of them at once!
JACOB: This looks like an idol of some sort. Have any of you ladies seen my father? (JACOB turns around from investigating the human shaped thing. The RAG LADIES all run away screaming)JANE: I’m gonna take that as a yes.
JOHN: Awww man. I was getting somewhere with #3.
JACK: You’re numbering them?
JOHN: Well I have to call them something. I think #7 is totally into me though. I wonder…
JACOB: Why would they run from my face?
JOHN: Why does toast always fall butter side down? Why is there never a parking space when you need one? Why do I keep getting slapped all the time? Some questions just have no answers, buddy. (They wander through the camp, JOHN collecting the few things of value left in the area until he is interrupted by another bullet flying over his head)JOHN: What in the name of Martin Sheen? STOP SHOOTING AT ME! (JOHN angrily blasts the mechanical shooters into smithereens, and is surrounded by the grateful women of the camp. Much to his disappointment, JANE drags him out of the crowd)JOHN: You are so not invited when I become king of this planet.
JANE: Yeah, right, the moron who would be king…
JACOB: Hey look at this!
JANE: What?
JACOB: Reggie was right about the plot points! One of these women gave me an electronic diary tablet! It’s in great condition for not being charged for 8 years and explains most of the plot of this mission!
JACK: F****** Finally. I want to get back to the ship to finish my morning brooding.
JANE: I’m guessing it has something to do with the insane bimbos running around here.
JACOB: Lessee… it’s a secret diary… it seems the crew was forced to eat the local food around here that the weird VI was talking about. Those who wouldn’t cooperate were killed.
JOHN: This is getting good. What happened next?
JACOB: The neural decay made the women docile and the men hostile. The men were forced to leave the area, and the women were assigned to the officers. Oh my. There’s a whole list here.
JOHN: I knew I was going to like this place.
JACK: One more word of support for this S*** and I swear to Gaider I will biotically shove a grenade up your ass and pull the pin. I don’t care who you work for.
JOHN: (beat) THIS IS DESPICABLE! How could he treat women so cruelly! It’s disgusting! It makes me sick! I demand answers!
JANE: Jack, you may be worth keeping around after all. Can you make him do his own laundry?
JACK: Don’t push it.
JANE: Right. Sorry I asked. What happened next, Jacob?
JACOB: Nothing. They stopped using this thing. I’m sure Dad can explain all of this.
JANE: I don’t know, this is looking less and less like Robinson Crusoe and more and more like Apocalypse Now.
JOHN: I love the smell of napalm in the morning! (As they continue up the hill, they hit a blockade of robotic antagonists. They eliminate them while JOHN hums “Ride of the Valkyries”)JANE: Stop that. We don’t need musical exposition.
JOHN: Fine. I’ll sing a song instead: “Kill da wabbit, Kill da wabbit, Kill da wabbit till he’s dead”
JACK: A-Hem.
JOHN: I’ll be quiet now. (As they go around another bend, they are attacked by robots and a voice comes over the radio)RADIO: Well am I glad to see you people! I’ve been stuck up here for years! I need to be rescued!
JANE: You know, it would be a whole lot easier to rescue you if your robots weren’t shooting at us every time we turned around
RADIO: Oh heheh sorry about that. They’re automated. Can’t turn them off. You get jumpy living on an alien planet for years. But did I mention I’m thrilled you’re here? (JANE turns off her radio and almost walks smack into a huge YMIR robot. It responds as evil robots usually do, with firepower. Everyone ducks behind handy invulnerable crates)JOHN: Those things are everywhere!
JANE: You’d think at some point someone would say, I should stop selling these huge nasty robots to broke mercenaries. I mean, a mining colony AND a merchant vessel? Who handles this stuff?
JACOB: Oh, I used to throw those into my real estate deals. What better way to sweeten the pot than by giving their own guard robot?
JANE: WITH MISSILES? (JACK takes this opportunity to demonstrate exactly what a missile can do when shoved in the behind of an antagonist and detonated. The “Big Daddy” explodes, pieces flying everywhere. JOHN’s eyes bug out.)JOHN: I’ll be good. I promise.
JACOB: He deliberately let these men die to protect him! Who is this man?
JANE: Stop saying that! He’s your father, who seems to have turned into a colossal jerk in the ten years since you’ve seen him. The rest of us figured that out back when we got shot at the first time. And let me tell you, when John figures something out ahead of you, you know you’re behind.
JOHN: Hey look! One of these guys left credits lying around! (Walking through a small entryway, they enter a mansion of sorts, with lots of homemade comforts and a beautiful view. In the center stands an older man, whacking a golf ball out into the valley with a 5 iron.)ACTING CAPTAIN TAYLOR: Oh good, you got through all right! I’m Acting Captain Ronald Taylor of the Hugo Gernsback. I so appreciate your stopping by to pick me up. (Motions to packed bags, looks towards gate nervously) I’ve been trapped here for so long; I’m ready to get off this planet!
JACOB: What about your crew? You don’t want to take them with us? And where did you get golf balls?
AC TAYLOR: Why should I? They’re having fun. Say, did you guys happen to run into some nasty fellows, called themselves hunters? You shouldn’t listen to them. I bought this equipment fair and square, and those ladies all wanted to hang with me!
JACOB: You call that an explanation?
AC TAYLOR: Ummm… yes? Why don’t we ask your captain? She seems like the nice, polite, ‘let’s avoid conflict’ sort. Right?
JANE: When I’m not shooting up nightclubs, visiting prisons, and nuking cloning facilities. Commander Jane Shepard of the Normandy. My brother John Shepard. Don’t worry, that blank look is standard. “Jack” my nearly insane super-biotic, and this guy. Sorta dorky, a bit weak minded when it comes to terrorist agendas, surely you know him?
AC TAYLOR: My name’s not Shirley, but I am in debt to him for coming to my rescue.
JACOB: Any time, Dad.
AC TAYLOR: Now that we’re all introduced, let’s get the hell off this … Did you say Dad?
JACOB: Yep. Now are you ready to do some explaining?
JACK: Talk fast or I’ll knock YOU into out over that valley.
JANE: She’ll do it too. She may not be great on tact, but her follow-through is amazing.
AC TAYLOR: Sooo you aren’t going to take me with you until I explain?
JANE: Nope.
AC TAYLOR: Riiight. Explain … ummm … Fine… It was new year’s eve. We were all a bit loaded. You know… and things happened. The girls stuck with me, the other guys didn’t. Can’t say as I missed them. Have I mentioned how glad I am to see you? (JACK biotically whacks AC TAYLOR’s 5 iron into the valley, dead center.)AC TAYLOR: Er… well, the captain died and I got to be in charge. I’d always wanted to be in charge, but it was more work than I thought. All the hardships of command, you understand. We started working on the beacon, but it took some time. So the other officers and I decided to save the good food for the important people.
JANE: Namely yourselves.
AC TAYLOR: Naturally. The crew didn’t understand so we may have used a tiny infinitesimal bit of force, but we didn’t like it. Not one bit. Well one thing led to another, and all the men left and we were left with just women to take care of.
JANE: All of whom just happened to be reasonably healthy and of mating age?
AC TAYLOR: Hey, that one’s not my fault, talk to the writers. They wrote themselves into a paradox there. Not that I was going to complain.
JACOB: How did your fellow officers die?
AC TAYLOR: I don’t recall. (JACK biotically whacks the remainder of AC TAYLOR’s golf bag into the valley. Everyone watches for a few moments until finally it makes a Wile E. Coyote type puff of dust in the distant valley)AC TAYLOR: I remember now.
JANE: Good. I knew it would come back to you.
AC TAYLOR: It’s all a blur. I remember one of the guys growing a conscience… And then all of them were dead. Yep. I think they were all very surprised. Though not in a good way. I can’t imagine what must have happened. My mechs must have got emotional chipsets or something.
JACOB: Sure… Just like a cargo ship just happens to have a heavy mech with functioning rockets… So you just stayed here, playing sultan? Why signal for help? Finally find a problem you couldn’t handle?
AC TAYLOR: Oh that. That I know. The males came back. And somehow through the neural decay they learned not only what was going on, but how to maintain aging weapons and attack me with them.
JANE: Plot points are immune to the decay.
AC TAYLOR: Ooohhhh so that’s it. I had chalked it up to living on this weird planet. I remotely activated the signal. Now that I think about it, I should have remembered to bury the evidence a little bit more carefully, or to have checked at least once during my 10 year stay to make sure no one made a record of the events. I was hoping to get a nice sympathetic alliance crew, but instead I get a suicide squad led by a zombie, including my only son. What are the odds?
JOHN: You got screwed, dude.
AC TAYLOR: Damn those writers! (JANE pulls JACOB aside)JANE: What do you want to do about this?
JACOB: Hmm. I don’t know. I suppose I could say it’s a fixer-upper planet. Nice views. Fertile soil. Tiny issues with the native flora & fauna. All in all, quite good value.
JANE: I mean about your father!
JACOB: Oh that. Hmm. He did some nasty stuff. But he’s my father. I can’t kill him. Maybe he’ll take the honorable path out and commit suicide? Hey, John, loan my dad your pistol!
JOHN: My pistol? Why?
JACOB: The writers didn’t leave him a nice way out of this, so I thought we’d let him face death on his own terms.
JOHN: But…
JANE: Just do it, Johnny! (JOHN reluctantly gives AC TAYLOR his gun)AC TAYLOR: But this is at half charge! It won’t stop them!
JACOB: It’s not for them, Dad. (As they dramatically walk away, leaving Jacob’s father to his fate, JOHN whispers in JANE’s Ear)JOHN: Are you going to tell him that gun always says it’s at half charge, even when it’s empty?
JANE: Nope.
JOHN: Oh… that’s cold. (wipes tear) I’m so proud of you! (Returning to the ship, JANE takes a walk around the ship to avoid KELLY. She takes a wrong turn, and finds JACOB making a private call to TIM in the chairless meeting room)INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS MEETING ROOM: EARLY MORNINGTIM: (rubbing his eyes) Honestly Jacob, it’s 2 in the morning. I have to sleep sometime, and this giant sun outside does not make that easy. While I’m thrilled that you and your father reunited, I would like to get back to sleep.
JANE: You mean you honestly didn’t know about this? You, who knows all and sees all?
TIM: I had other priorities. (A blue foot appears in the camera, tugging on TIM’s smoking jacket)SULTRY VOICE: Come back to bed, Lucy!
JANE & JACOB: Oh.
TIM: So, like I said, didn’t know, didn’t care, please hang up and go away!
JACOB: But who sent me the message? (MIRANDA saunters into the camera)MIRANDA: I did. I owed you one.
JANE: You owed him the traumatic experience of finding his insane father, and then leaving him to die?
MIRANDA: Well, when you put it like that. I just thought he wanted to find the old blighter, never considered where the writers might put him… Darn. TIM: Is that it? Anyone else want to interrupt my evening? No? Nobody? Fine. I’m hanging up now, and if you call again, it had better be because you’ve been swallowed by an asteroid sized alien, or that Collectors have taken over the ship, something equally urgent, or else! [/blockquote] (TIM Hangs up. MIRANDA pats JACOB on the back and then leaves. JACOB finally comes to reality)JACOB: I knew she remembered!
JANE: Are you ok? This is a tough situation, with your father and all.
JACOB: I knew she remembered we used to be an item! Sweet! I have to go find John for a high five.
JANE: Men…
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Post by Clint Johnston on Jul 1, 2011 19:52:22 GMT 1
Wow it's been 2 months since I sent out the last chapter. I better get in gear! March is coming sooner than you think!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 14: Daddy Issues
INT: NORMANDY: CREW DECK: MORNING(JANE SHEPARD, having woken up refreshed, has gone down to the crew deck to have something to eat. All the tables are full save one, where JACOB sits alone. Jane soon discovers why. He does not seem to have washed, shaved, or consumed anything but alcohol for the last several days)JANE: Jacob, um, nice beard.
JACOB: (Slurring) What’s the point Shepard? What’s the point? We’re all gonna die. All the advertising says we’re on a suicide mission.
JANE: Some of us sooner than others, if you keep that up. Jack & Zaeed aren’t afraid to remove the weakest link, and Grunt’s not too tightly wound either.
JACOB: (Drunkenly pointing at her) I’m glad you’re here Shepard. You make me feel happy. But I only want a casual thing, no serious relationships.
JANE: Not in a million years. Have you seen John?
JACOB: He’s crawling around in the ventil… The venti… The air thingies.
JANE: What?
JACOB: (swaying back & forth to some forgotten tune) It’s so you won’t find him and make him explain the mess in the kitchen. Sounds stupid to me. And I’m completely wasted.
JANE: Hmm. Well the longer he’s up there, the longer he’s out of my hair. If he sticks his head out, tell him I’m still looking for him.
JACOB: (Give her a thumbs up) Will Do. (Passes out) (JANE then pulls out KELLY’s list of personal missions needing completion. MIRANDA’s is next, and JANE walks across the hall to her office to get more information. MIRANDA looks up from her computer)MIRANDA: Shepard.
JANE: Wrex. Er… I mean Miranda. We’re about ready to start with your loyalty mission, what is it I can help you with? You have here “Illium – Bar”
MIRANDA: You know how I told you about my evil twisted father that grew me in a test tube?
JANE: Yep, right before the mission to pick up Jack. Strangely enough, contact with Jack has made you seem fairly normal.
MIRANDA: Well, I may have left out a few prescient details… (A sound of creaking metal above them cuts MIRANDA off)JANE: That’s just John trying to hide. He should go on a diet if he expects to be quieter, but I’m just surprised he’s lasted this long, what with his fascination for cheeseburgers and bacon. Go on, Miranda.
MIRANDA: You see, I’m not the only one on the run. I have a twin sister. And he’s found her. Or at least his agents have. Though nothing explains why they’ve politely decided to wait until we get back to Illium to do anything about it.
JANE: And you want us to go to Illium and help her escape?
MIRANDA: Yes. Preferably sooner rather than later.
JANE: Well it certainly sounds more interesting than planet scanning for iridium, so I’ll tell Joker to head there shortly. (As JANE exits the office, a loud crash denotes JOHN’s exit from the ventilation shafts.)JOHN: Did she say ‘Twin Sister’? I am so in! (Thanks to repeat animations and JOKER breaking the intergalactic speed limit they quickly arrive at the Illium trading floor dock. Disembarking with SAMARA & MIRANDA, JANE & JOHN are directed to the Eternity Bar. As they enter they are approached by an older Asari with a Quarian in tow.)INT: ILLIUM: ETERNITY BAR: MORNINGASARI: Commander, I was wondering if you could help me…
JOHN: You deal with this, I’m going over there to the Bachelor Party.
JANE: Make this quick, please. We need to finish this mission and get back to saving the known universe.
ASARI: Well you see this Quarian here needs to be purchased by that Artificial Intelligence dealer over there, and she’s grown a conscience and won’t buy her.
JANE: You’re selling her as a slave?
ASARI: We prefer the term “indentured servant.” It’s easier for the pundits to swallow.
JANE: Hmm… I don’t know. Let me ask my friend the Justicar…
ASARI: (Eyes widen) Just…justicar? Wha…? How? (Recovers) Hah, gotcha, random space marine. Sandy here is free and clear, we were just messing with you.
QUARIAN: My name is Cindy, and that’s not what you said when I signed the enslavement paperwork…
ASARI: Sandy you are a hoot, you never know when to let a joke go. Go on, get out of here. (CINDY the QUARIAN walks away confused while the ASARI “Indenturement Procurer” disappears as fast as possible.)JANE: Samara, I’m beginning to like having you around.
SAMARA: It’s nice to be above the law, isn’t it dear?
JOHN: You guys, you will never believe the dirty joke that bartender just told me. What do you get when you put a Quarian and an Elcor together?
JANE: John! Wake up! You’re having a Tourette’s fit!
JOHN: No I’m n… (JANE slaps him) Ohhhh. Wow, I’m back, what did I say? Was I complimenting how tight Samara’s costume was again? Because it is really…
JANE: (Slaps JOHN again) Back to reality. Now where is your contact Miranda?
MIRANDA: Over there in the lounge. (They walk over and introduce themselves. The contact recognizes MIRANDA)CONTACT: Glad you made it, Ms. Lawson. The Mercenaries were getting extremely bored waiting to die ignominious deaths.
MIRANDA: I’m sorry to have kept them waiting, but I’m here now, and can jump right into moving my sister.
CONTACT: Don’t worry about it, your friend Niket is already here arranging the details. He said you said it was OK to show him everything.
MIRANDA: Oh good. I’ve been wondering what he’s been up to.
JANE: Did you invite him in on this mission?
MIRANDA: No. But I’m sure he learned about through a perfectly innocent manner.
JANE: Riiiiight.
MIRANDA: So what does he need us to do?
CONTACT: He asked that you serve as a distraction on the opposite end of the terminal.
JANE: What does he want her to walk by the guard position a few times, because I don’t see how all of us are needed for that…
CONTACT: A bit more complicated than that. He wants you to get shot down and keep the mercenaries on that side of the exit.
JANE: Why can’t it ever be simple? “Boss, I just need to finish my laundry” or “Shepard, the only thing I need to settle is the impossible choice: Kirk or Picard” Noooo… It’s get shot at, day in and day out.
MIRANDA: Thank you for this, Shepard. I’ll owe you.
JOHN: You’re freakin right, you’ll owe us.
MIRANDA: Trust me, my other outfit is worth it… (JOHN perks up considerably) (After fifteen minutes of flying around, the mercenaries finally notice them and shoot them down. Upon exiting the vehicle, they are greeted by a chatty and somewhat overconfident team leader & his aide)EXT: ILLIUM: FLOOR BELOW BAGGAGE DEPOT: LUNCHTIMELEADER: You have one chance to walk away.
MIRANDA: We’re not leaving without my sister!
LEADER: You mean the baby you kidnapped? How could you? A little baby!
JANE: Seriously, since when have the Blue Suns had any scruples?
LEADER: Since the script called for us to be overdramatic and expositional. Am I doing it right?
JANE: Spot on. Continue.
MIRANDA: I had to rescue her! Father was going to … going to … make her take ballet!
LEADER: What? What kind of a father does that? How horrifying…
LEADER’S AIDE: Dude, you’re breaking character. Get back in gear!
LEADER: Oh. Right. So this is it. Your one chance to survive this. Get out while you still can. You, your best-armory-money-can-buy and super-biotic have no chance against my half trained but highly motivated team of snipers. HOOAH BOYS! (Waits for response, there is none) Guys? (Turns around, and only sees his aide, slowly inching towards the back of the room) Oh damn.
JOHN: Ditto. 5… 4… 3… (The LEADER takes his cue and runs for his life.)SAMARA: I must admit I’m deeply disturbed by this revelation, dear. Whatever possessed you to kidnap a child?
MIRANDA: She’s my twin. My father made her after me, to replace me. She’s much younger than I am.
JOHN: I had such dreams. A twin sister… Now she’s underage. Why does this always happen?
MIRANDA: I didn’t want to let anyone know. She’s just turned 19, and I didn’t want to shatter her life with this news. (JOHN starts fist pumping in mock joy & relief)JANE: You, get a grip on yourself, or I’ll send you back to the Normandy.
JOHN: Yes Ma’am. I’ll be good.
SAMARA: Go on, Miranda.
MIRANDA: My father… he wasn’t a good dad. He missed every single one of my softball games! And one year, he said he’d buy me a pony, and he did, but it was real, and I had to clean up after it and (dissolves into sobbing)
SAMARA: There there dear, pull yourself together.
MIRANDA: So you see, I just couldn’t leave her there with that … monster! You see, don’t you Shepard?
JANE: I think I need to go kill something to get the last few minutes out of my memory. (They take an elevator for an uncomfortably long ride to the next floor, where mercs uninformed of their compatriots’ discretion are lying in wait for the team. JANE & MIRANDA are able to unload their stress upon these poor souls in what became known to all future Blue Suns as “The Baggage Terminal Slaughter.” [It is said that Southwest Spacelines went out of business due to the lawsuits from customers who found bullet holes and blood in their luggage.] Just before the team makes it to next elevator, a still active radio blips out a message)RADIO: Is Niket ready to make the switch?
RADIO: Ham With Swiss, please. No mustard.
RADIO: I SAID, Is Niket ready to switch the family over to us?
RADIO: Oh. I thought you said he was going to pick up lunch. Damnit I’m hungry. I’ll bet those guys on the other floors have got their lunch already.
RADIO: I don’t want to hear about your stomach, is Niket ready to make the switch?
RADIO: I don’t know, I’ll ask him. Yeah, he says he’s ready. But that if we do it now, we won’t have time for lunch.
RADIO: Never mind your frakking lunch! Tell him to get going! (While they wait for the elevator, MIRANDA starts crying again.)JANE: Oh dear Lord.
MIRANDA: What if… what if… I know, it’s a big joke, and it’s really a surprise party like my 12th birthday! Of course, I still don’t know why the exploding piñata was necessary, but this would be just like Daddy.
SAMARA: There there dear.
JOHN: What is that wet stuff coming from her eyes? She’s leaking. Leaking is bad. (Shrinks against the wall of the car.)
MIRANDA: NIket wouldn’t really betray me. He was my friend, and would never dream of selling me out to my evil despicable patriarch! He knows what that man put me through! Oh, the memories!
JANE: Thank goodness. We’re here. (As the door opens, a young asari is taking lunch orders from an older one with a massive shotgun and a human male, whom MIRANDA addresses as NIKET. Everyone raises their guns for a true Mexican standoff)JOHN & OLDER ASARI: (Speaking at the same time) Heheheh. This should be fun. Hey, stop stealing my lines! You’re so dead. (Glowering at each other)
YOUNG ASARI: I’m just going to put this order on hold… (mutters to self) Damnit, another stiff. Nobody ever tips the waitress after the gun battle.
OLDER ASARI: You’re not going anywhere. (Shoots waitress in back, where the blast is absorbed by the standard kinetic shields)
YOUNG ASARI: That does it! I quit! You people can go to McEarth’s for all I care. Shot in the back twice in one week. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE BRUISES HURT? (stomps off) (As they watch her go, MIRANDA brings them back to the matter at hand)MIRANDA: Why? Why Niket? You sold me out!
NIKET: Yeah… really regretting that now. This is all a misunderstanding, Miri.
MIRANDA: It looks like you’re selling out my little sister to a bunch of bloodthirsty thugs who will in turn deliver her to my heartless horrifying forebear. Don’t you remember the violin practice, Niket?
NIKET: (Winces) I remember. But in my defense, I’m very broke, and you did kidnap her first!
MIRANDA: To protect her!
NIKET: Well, I wasn’t going to hurt her! I was just going to divert their flight so she could get to him as easy as pie, no trauma to anyone.
JANE: Telling a 19 year old girl that her whole life has been a lie, and that she’s really the daughter of a billionaire who engineered her from his own DNA, and that she was kidnapped by her older yet twin sister as a baby. Yep, no trauma involved there at all.
NIKET: Better that than left in poverty with only a terrorist sister to watch over her! I’ve been poor, Miri! It wasn’t fun.
OLDER ASARI: Speaking of that… Captain Enyala, nice to meet you, can you please get the shooting started so I can stop being poor?
SAMARA: In time, dear, in time. What did you say you do for a living?
ENYALA: I’m a mercenary. I kill people, pick up slaves, whatever makes a profit. And what do you do aside from walk the runway with next to nothing on?
SAMARA: Oh, not much. I fly around on their space ship. I meditate. Oh, and I’m a Justicar.
ENYALA: (Alarmed) Niket, maybe we better make a deal… something that involves us leaving alive, now.
NIKET: Nonsense. I have a conscience now, and I’m using it to betray an old friend! (ENYALA shoots NIKET with her super shotgun. His shields do not absorb the blast.)ENYALA: There… problem solved. See you guys!
MIRANDA: WHY!? (MIRANDA picks ENYALA up with a biotic pull and throws her across the room)ENYALA: (A bit dizzy, but still conscious) Look out, a giant terminator! (They all turn, but only see an exit sign. Meanwhile, ENYALA has disappeared down the stairwell. No one pursues her, probably because she still has the super shotgun)MIRANDA: Why? Why? Why?
JANE: I think he said why. Several times. Money.
JOHN: Good enough reason for me.
MIRANDA: How did I not see it coming?
JANE: With that much foreshadowing, I have the same question.
MIRANDA: If only I had killed him instead of that Asari bitch. No offense Samara.
SAMARA: None taken, dear.
MIRANDA: He was my last connection to my old life. The only thing I kept when I left daddy. Well that and a few credit cards. A girl has to eat.
JANE: How is it then that your father hasn’t tracked you down yet?
MIRANDA: The Illusive Man protects me. He’s so powerful my daddy can’t cross him.
JANE: TIM? The same guy that wants to advance humanity at all costs? He ‘volunteered’ to take you in, the prime specimen of genetic engineering?
MIRANDA: I know, wasn’t he generous? He’s so noble. I’m sure he’ll take good care of my sister when we move her to another safehouse. (JANE nods carefully, choosing to focus on the elevator instead. It opens, revealing the terminal. There are many people at the main counter shouting and pointing angrily at the list of flights delayed due to a “baggage mixup”, but off to the left there is a small family with a 20 year old girl who looks familiar.)INT: ILLIUM: SPACE FLIGHT TERMINAL: AFTERNOONJANE: You should go say hello.
MIRANDA: I don’t know… I don’t want to bother her
JOHN: I’ll go say hello. Heheheh. (SAMARA freezes him in biotic stasis.)SAMARA: Poor boy must have been having another seizure. This will make it easier for him.
JANE: Thank you. Look, Miranda, it’s not like they’re going to be going anywhere soon, the least you could do is explain why. And perhaps talk to your clo.. I mean sister.
MIRANDA: You’re right Shepard. I think I will. (MIRANDA walks across the terminal and introduces herself. Time passes. Several hours later, MIRANDA & her sister are chattering away about the latest hairstyle, and JANE, JOHN, & SAMARA are trying to doze in the uncomfortable chairs. JANE turns to JOHN, who is still sulking about being put in stasis)JANE: Next time I try to set up a family reunion, please just shoot me.
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Post by Clint Johnston on Aug 17, 2011 16:02:02 GMT 1
I think this one would have been better shorter, but Jack's loyalty mission ended at like page 6, and I wanted to finish off the last Miranda convo anyway. Don't worry, I'm not getting serious, and Jane's character isn't doing what you think she's doing. Tell me what you think!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 15: Trauma QueenINT: NORMANDY: MIRANDA’S OFFICE: DAY (JANE & JOHN SHEPARD are checking in with MIRANDA LAWSON and pretending to enjoy a play by play of the conversation Miranda had with her sister.) MIRANDA: And she said she loves Nielsen’s Fifth, just like I do...
JOHN: I would love a fifth…
JANE: Hush, we’ll visit Dr. Bastillasmother next, she always has drinks laying about.
MIRANDA: And she even tells jokes. She has such a sense of humor. I’m not funny at all.
JOHN: If only you knew. Point is, you’re officially loyal now? And you’ll wear slinky outfit #2?
MIRANDA: Yes. Thank you both for your help. I know my evil sire will never dream to look for her where I’ve hidden her this time.
JANE: Let me guess … the Waldo planet.
MIRANDA: How did you know?
JANE: You got a package this morning. A red & white knit cap. (JANE’S explanation of how a package arrived on an illegal ship in the middle of deep space is lost in the noise coming from the dining hall/kitchen/crew quarters. Popping her head out the door, she encounters JACK in a full fledged fit. She has biotically lifted all the ramen out of her bowl and is using it to choke MESS SERGEANT GARDNER) JANE: Jack, what the hell is going on?
JACK: This BLEEP tried to BLEEPin poison me! Now he’s going to pay!
JANE: Alright. Go ahead. …
JACK: Seriously? (A wicked grin spreads across her face)
JANE: … But if you do, I’ll be forced to promote John to head chef. (JACK’s grin fades and she slowly drops Gardner and the ramen.)
JACK: You would play dirty. (pout disappears and her normal look of insane savagery returns) I like you. Wanna hear about my tattoos?
JANE: Not really. I imagine the stories are not happy endings.
JACK: The next extra mission, what is it?
JANE: Mordin’s next on the list, says he wants to check in on a colleague on Tuchanka.
JACK: BLEEP that. I want to go to my childhood home.
JANE: Want to remember some better times? Your character could do with some softening Jack.
JACK: Hell no. I want to blow the place where I was tortured and imprisoned for 10 years off the map. (MORDIN approaches, calculating the likelihood of it being pizza day, then resignedly approaches the ramen line.) JANE: Mordin, is it ok if Jack takes your place on the “urgent mission” list?
MORDIN: Unsure. Maelon in difficult position. Might not last long.
JANE: If you want to, you can come along. It’s a secret Cerberus scientific facility….
MORDIN: Conversely, Maelon can take care of himself. Consider recruited.
JACK: That mean he’s in?
JOHN: Did someone say something about blowing things up? (After a lengthy explanation about the ethics of eavesdropping, JANE directs JOKER to pilot the Normandy to the planet of Pragia, a lush rain forest teaming with life. So much so in fact, it takes them half an hour to get on the landing pad. They quickly enter the building to get out of the rain) EXT: PRAGIA: TOO WET TO TELLJANE: John, you have the bomb, right?
JOHN: Right here in my backpack.
JANE: And it’s only enough charge to level the facility, right?
JOHN: Yes, mom. (Mutters) Spoilsport.
JACK: This is where they brought the kids in. I only saw the place on my way out.
JANE: It’s ok, Jack. You can handle this. We’re here for you.
JOHN: (Across the room) Hey look! A credits terminal! W00t 3000 more into daddy’s account! (They proceed down some steps and find what looks like an arena of some sort. There are bleachers around it, forming a semicircle. JACK cringes) MORDIN: What caused unrest at this location? (JACK looks confusedly to JANE, who translates) JANE: ‘What’s wrong?’ Or ‘What happened here?’ I only speak a smattering of scientist.
JACK: The only time I was allowed out of my cell was to come out here.
JOHN: Like recess? I like recess.
JACK: They pitted me against the other kids in death matches.
MORDIN: Barbaric. Used Pavlovian methods, yes?
JACK: It was horrible. If I won, narcotics flooded my system. If I lost… they made us watch Jersey Shore. (They all cringe. Shaking it off, they proceed into a hallway, where a video log machine is still running. In it, a soldier is making a report to a commander of some sort.) SOLDIER: So anyways I said to him, Hank, drugs are bad, and I wouldn’t dream of taking them, no matter what nightmares I have working in this secret evil facility.
COMMANDER VOICE: (Clearly bored) Very good, soldier, your vigilance is appreciated. Now if you could please resume your rounds, I’m sure we’d all appreciate it.
SOLDIER: Of course, sir. Because I have such faith in your wisdom and guidance sir. Our actions here could never come to bite us in the [static] Hey what’s going on? Hank? Why are you running for the exit? Oh… hello chlldren. Commander ! Commander! Re open the channel!
STATION VI: We’re sorry, but the Evil Base Subscriber you are calling is not available and has not set up an Evil Base voicemail account yet. Please hang up and try your call again. (The video ends with a chilling scream. Jack shuts it off) JACK: I remember that idiot. He was a Snooki fan. But I didn’t get to kill him. So how did this video happen?
MORDIN: Periphery. Unrelated to imminent escape. Perhaps … more to the story than first supposed?
JANE: Perhaps. Let’s keep moving. (They walk down a stairwell, and notice some freshly killed varren) JACK: Wait, who the BLEEP killed that Varren?
MORDIN: Unsure. Possibly Vorcha with flamethrowers walking towards us with ill intent? Never fear. Will handle. (MORDIN uses his omni tool in such a way as to send a spark across the room, igniting a vorcha’s flamethrower tank. The resulting chain of explosions is quite impressive. MORDIN nods his head with satisfaction and opens the door for the rest of the team to walk on) JOHN: How did he do that?
MORDIN: Kinetic energy. Stored for future use. Fired from Omni-Tool in form of plasma round. Carefully aimed to ignite gelatinous mixture within inflammatory devices. Chain reaction expected. Enemy neutralized. (JOHN stares at MORDIN) JANE: Magic.
JOHN: Ohhhh… Cool!
MORDIN: Intellectually underappreciated. Sooo intellectually underappreciated. (JACK leads them down a hallway aligned with small cells. She stops in the middle and her lips start to tremble) JACK: I can’t decide who I am anymore. Am I the scared little girl looking over what used to be her home? Or am I a destructive bitch, here to put to rest all memories of this hellhole?
JANE: Perhaps we could aim for a middle ground?
MORDIN: Mood swings. Clear sign of stress. Recommend not impeding progress, prospect of biotically smashed into jelly not appealing.
JOHN: Right. Staying out of crazy chick’s way. (They find a lab at the end of the hall, wherein some fleeing scientists kindly took a moment from running for their lives to put their biotic research on the table for any future salvage teams. JANE pockets it surreptitiously, while JACK activates another long dormant video log.) DOCTOR: Doctor Oz’s Log, Report Number 273, 468 Soooo… yeah, that didn’t work. All of them died. So we won’t be using that technique on Subject Zero. Because all this is really to perfect her, not to torture her. Right guys? (Several other doctors pop their heads in and nod reassuringly at the recording device)
JACK: That’s not true!
DOCTOR OZ: Is too!
JACK: No it’s not! I suffered!
DOCTOR OZ: Is too, and only a little.
JANE: How are you doing that? You’re dead!
DOCTOR OZ: Saw it on a Doctor Who episode once. Confusing as hell to watch by itself, but it’s all making sense now, isn’t it? Uh-oh. Time for yoga class. Got to go!
JACK: What the hell? This changes everything.
JOHN: It doesn’t matter. (Annoyed that no one else seems to be ready to continue) You, bald angry lady, still tortured? Still an emotional basket case?
JACK: Yeah.
JOHN: And those doctors, still asswipes, right?
DOCTOR OZ: (Wanders back into view screen with a script and a cup of coffee) Hey!
JANE: (Shutting off log) Yes, John, the doctors are still … bad people.
JOHN: So… no problem then. We just blow this place like we planned, and this “revelation” that you were the number one cadet at this monster school doesn’t matter. It’s still a monster school. And I really want to explode something today.
MORDIN: Surprisingly astute. Would you consider donating brain to science?
JANE: Trust me Mordin, you do not want to go in there.
JOHN: Would I have to take it out of my head?
MORDIN: See what you mean. Perhaps another time. (While they were clearing this up, JACK finds another log and turns it on. She suddenly starts giggling) JANE: What on earth? (Hits replay)
DOCTOR OZ: In retrospect, perhaps torturing the kids with Jersey Shore and fight nights wasn’t such a good idea. They seem to have taken it personally. The whole place is going up. Speaking of which, I need to catch a shut… Why hello Jack. How are you this morning? You don’t look happy. Let’s turn that frown upside dow- (Is thrown across the room)
JACK: Ha. Instead I turned him upside down. John’s right, let’s blow this place. (Satisfied with themselves, they walk straight through the doors to the next foyer and are surprised to be greeted by a Krogan gang. One is on his earpiece) KROGAN: Yeah, boss, those intruders. They’re finally here. Ok. We’ll kill them. (To Shepards and team) Time to die!
JOHN: Oh yeah? Charrrr … (John’s insane yell is muted as a blue light emanates from his whole body and he is thrust forward at speed toward the lead krogan. He flies through furniture and an awning, hitting the krogan hard. Not wasting time, John takes out his shotgun and blasts him, then zooms towards the next attacker. He zips back and forth across the room, emptying it of enemies in under a minute. JANE, JACK, & MORDIN are all standing with their jaws dropped.) JOHN: … rrrrge! WOW! THAT was fricking awesome!
JANE: What in the hell? You aren’t a biotic!
JOHN: I am now, baby! Woo hoo! Totally wicked!
MORDIN: Perhaps adjustments completed by Cerberus?
JACK: And they say I’m crazy. (JANE calms herself down by analyzing what needs to be done next. She leads the team to the opposing door and explains that JACK’s room is on the other side. Before she can finish cautioning them, JOHN interrupts) JOHN: Whatever sis. I can run through shit now. CHARR (*wham* JOHN hits the door at speed and knocks himself out quite effectively.)
JACK: Any idiot knows you have to see the other guy first! Amateurs! (They drag JOHN’s bulk out of the way, and then enter the room. They are greeted by a terrified looking man whose eyes get even wider when he sees JACK) JANE: Who are you, and what are you doing here?
NERVOUS MAN: Umm… Charlie. And umm… (Mutters) trying to restart this hellhole so I can understand my childhood
JACK: WHAT? I came here to destroy the place, and you want to reopen?
CHARLIE: We’ll have snack times I promise. And no Jersey Shore. But I have to understand what it was! That’s why I hired Mercs and came here. We’re rebuilding.
JANE: About those mercs?
CHARLIE: Yes?
MORDIN: Deceased. Rather inventive method of passing, in my opinion. Must investigate further.
JACK: And now you’re all that’s left of my hated childhood. (Forces him to ground with hands behind head)
JANE: Jack, don’t! He’s just as wounded as you are… Just with less tattoos.
CHARLIE: If it helps any, I have an angel on my butt from college.
JANE: See, he had it just as bad.
CHARLIE: Of course, that was after I was adopted by Daddy Warbucks.
JACK: Shut up!
CHARLIE: but it was before I married the daughter of Southwest Galactic’s CEO
JANE: Shut up!
CHARLIE: So you see, my life really has sucked. Let me starve to death in peace.
JACK: Actually we really did come here to blow the place up. See the bomb?
CHARLIE: Seriously?! (Gets up and runs for his life)
JANE: See, you aren’t the only crazy person in the universe. (She turns to JACK, but Jack is hugging the table and whispering to it.) But you pale others by comparison…
JACK: This table was my best friend. Though I did hang out with my blood spot over here quite a bit. It’s where I killed my first guy, you know. Good memories. Are we ready to plant the bomb?
JOHN: (Rubbing head) Did I miss anything? (Time flies as they plant the bomb, and it seems like only a second later, they’re on the shuttle headed back towards the NORMANDY. For some inane reason, JACK is fiddling with the detonator. JOHN looks anxious.) JANE: Johnny… is there something I should know?
JOHN: (Sweating) No. Why?
JANE: Because I told you to set a nice small bomb, just enough to level the place. We’re well away from there, but you look extremely nervous.
JOHN: Nope. Everything good. (Looks out window, gauging distance)
JANE: JOHN!
JOHN: Ok ok… so it’s a bit bigger than you wanted. Remember Virmire? I wanted to see if I could do as good as job as Kirrahe and his bunch of idiots, so I kind of built a nuke.
JACK: (Her thumb having just pressed the detonator) What? (Fortunately for JOHN, the explosion knocks the entire shuttle with enough force that they are thrown from their seats in different directions) INT: NORMANDY: MEDICAL BAY: AFTERNOONDOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: Hey, you awake?
JANE: Revan, no! Huh?
DOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: I asked if you were awake. Not that I would do anything if you weren’t. It just seemed appropriate to ask.
JANE: I am now. Where’s John?
DOCTORBASTILLASMOTHER: Downstairs. He checked himself out hours ago… You’d think his head was made of titanium or something.
JANE: Thanks. I’ll go find him. I’m sure you’ll get the chance to sort him out soon. (She finds JOHN, ZAEED, GARRUS, GRUNT, & SCOTTY in Zaeed’s room, munching popcorn in front of the security monitors.) JANE: What the hell is going on? You didn’t plant cameras in the showers again, did you?
SCOTTY: Shh, the show’s aboot to starrt.
JANE: What show?
GRUNT: Apparently Subject Zero is going to Operative Lawson’s office to demand an explanation for her childhood sufferings. Zaeed is of the opinion that this “cannot goddam end well” and dragged all of us in here for what Commander Shepard 2.0 claims will be a sight well worth the viewing.
JANE: Commander Shepard 2.0? What the? Jack? Miranda? Oh crap! (JANE runs to the elevator and punches the crew deck floor. JOHN dives in before the doors close.) JOHN: This I gotta see!
JANE: Really? 2.0?
JOHN: (Smug) Who has superpowers and who doesn’t? (JANE ignores the question and runs towards MIRANDA’s Office. She opens the door to see a chair biotically flying at her face. She ducks. JOHN doesn’t. She smirks at the sound of sudden crash and cursing on the other side of the dining hall, then approaches the two barely dressed women framed in blue biotic energy) JANE: Ladies! Really? What the hell is this? Are we answering to fanboys now? Why don’t we have a wet T shirt contest next? Or a pillow fight? Have some dignity!
JACK: She won’t admit what they did to me was wrong, Shepard!
MIRANDA: It wasn’t us. And it succeeded, so there! Well (Looks JACK up and down) to a point.
JANE: (Rolls eyes) You guys realize you’re on camera, right? The male half of the crew is down is Zaeed’s quarters taking bets. You need to put this aside and focus on the main mission!
MIRANDA: You mean the impossible suicide mission to attack invincible unknown enemies?
JACK: Screw that! They turned me into a Psychotic Biotic. Hey that rhymes.
JANE: The collectors, you dunderheads! And consequently the reapers. But we won’t get to them for a few more chapters.
JACK: So it’s ok if you go off gallivanting around the galaxy instead of dealing with them, but not if we want to kill each other?
JANE: I have to complete the loyalty missions! I don’t know why! It just seems really important! (The two women face her with arms crossed.) JANE: Fine. I’ll quit planet scanning every time we hit a new system. But if we run out of iridium, don’t come crying to me.
JACK: I’ll be down by the engines. Practicing.
MIRANDA: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
JANE: Stop it! (MIRANDA straightens up her office then asks JANE to take a seat on the couch.) JANE: I gather you want to talk? I’m not putting Jack in the airlock.
MIRANDA: Thank you for helping. I just wanted to talk to you and tell you how much I respect you now.
JANE: Now?
MIRANDA: Of course. When you first came aboard, I thought you were dead weight. A self righteous idiot. A mistake of incalculable proportions. Stupidity perso…
JANE: I get the idea. And what do you think of me now?
MIRANDA: Well, you still have that self righteous thing going, but aside from that, you’re a pretty good boss. You’ve done a better job than I thought you would. Which has kind of put a blockade in my career plans.
JANE: Like you had any further to go with Timbo?
MIRANDA: You have a point. Anyways I just wanted to tell you that the Mutiny is off.
JANE: (Shocked) I’m so glad to hear it. I thought the crew liked me!
MIRANDA: Yeah, that’s why most of the crew said they were alright with putting it off for a while, even Mess Sergeant Gardner.
JANE: The cook? But I made his job easier!
MIRANDA: He likes to dabble in conspiracy when he’s bored. Why’d you think The Illusive Man sent him here?
JANE: I knew it wasn’t for his culinary skills.
MIRANDA: If only I was as skilled as you. My father spent billions making me perfect, and you come along and outclass me with no effort.
JANE: In fairness, I am the protagonist. The programmers are sort of required to make me a Mary Sue.
MIRANDA: Do you know how much I admire you, Shepard?
JANE: Not half as much as (Camera Fizzles) (Cursing is heard from the Engineering Deck)
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