Post by mizdirected on Jun 12, 2013 17:04:19 GMT 1
My computer has an issue... when I slide my finger over the touch pad, sometimes it goes back a page or two in my history, completely obliterating all my work on this page, so I save, a lot. Please assume any review posted less than an hour is still being worked on.
Overall Impressions: I like the idea of introducing a sort of melting pot environment after the war. It's a whole new world for the reader to discover, and I look forward to finding out what the ME galaxy looks like in the future you are building for it.
Plot: Not a lot happens here, you are just starting to set up a world and the characters, which is understandable in a first chapter. However, a lot more of the state of the galaxy and the different characters can be shown through things happening. Throw in some conflict, mix things up, have something happen, maybe on the shuttle, or in the squad to add action and give the characters a chance to show us who they are.
As an example: One of the other humans could have a problem with turians and call out the Squad Leader on overlooking humans in leadership roles. This could lead to a brawl that pulls some of our characters together and forces a wedge between others.
Characters:
So far, the character who stands out to me the most is Aliph. He has a twisted sort of sense of humour that gives him personality. The character that was given the least amount of time to shine was Nathan, and so far the story is from his POV. Everything in the story should be coloured by who Nathan is, the way he sees the world, his history, his likes and dislikes. What sort of personality is he? Is he passive or aggressive? A dreamer or practical? All good, meaty stuff to think on as you continue the story.
The same goes for the other characters. The scene where they talk about why they joined the military is an excellent one for showing their personalities, and you begin to let us see who they are through that scene.
Setting:
There is a lot of description, but none of it relates me to the world. If you want the reader to see your world and relate to it, describe it in little pieces as your characters discover it. The Cafeteria for instance. Instead of saying that the tables are marked with a hologram and the squad name, have Nathan search down the line of tables, looking for the Aurora hologram and then his squad's name. It's a really subtle difference, but it lets us see the world through his eyes rather than yours.
Writing Style:
The biggest thing I see with your writing style is that you seem to be watching the world and events from outside your main character, Nathan, rather than from inside him. I might be wrong on this, and if I am, my apologies. The problem with a lot of exposition... a lot of the narrator talking... is that it distances the reader from your character and the world. Think of it this way... narration is the writer placing themselves between the reader and the story. If you want the reader invested in your story, you need to take yourself out.
Settle yourself down inside Nathan, see everything through his eyes. Show us the world as he sees it, rather than telling us about it.
Also, watch for spelling and grammatical errors. We all miss a few, but should always strive to present the most polished fiction possible, so that silly things don't cause the reader to get jolted out of the story.
I enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the continuation of the story to see what happens to Nathan and his squadmates.
Point by Point Review - Your words are in large bold followed by my comments. Please note that everything I say is just a suggestion for your consideration. We are all constantly evolving and learning as writers, and I am most definitely trying to encourage your continued journey rather than discourage it.
“Welcome to the United Citadel Marine Corp, ladies and gentleman.
You are going to become the galaxy's most elite fighting force. You will learn from the best and become the best. -- This sentence doesn't inspire. You will learn from the best and become the best is okay, but it doesn't get my heart racing.
I hate suggesting things because your words are your words, but maybe something like... "Welcome to the United Citadel Marine Corp, ladies and gentlemen, where you will be hammered upon the anvil of the finest, most battle hardened instructors to forge you into the galaxy's most elite fighting force." ... or something of that nature. He's trying to make a powerful statement, so he will use powerful words, inspirational metaphors, etc. He is painting a picture... he wants the recruits to see themselves standing tall, in the best armour, medals on their chests... the adulation of the entire galaxy upon them.
From tactical awareness and leadership skills, to weapons training and combat readiness. -- Incomplete sentence.
You will all become the Citadel's backbone, the foundation of the military,” the introductory officer boomed, striding across the stage with a chest full of pride. -- This is a frequently made error using the word with. This sentence is saying that a chest full of pride is accompanying the officer across the stage. So, unless a box of pride is striding across the stage at the officer's side, reword.
The crowd of young volunteers were captivated by the inspiring words. -- show me Nathan's captivation rather than tell it. Show the reaction of the main character to the words? Does he have an emotional reaction? Does he see that picture I mentioned earlier in his head?
“You will be assigned your companies in the courtyard. If you have any questions, please direct them to Colonel Alenko,” he pointed to a human standing at the far end of the platform, “Alright, recruits. Dismissed!” -- just a comment, not a criticism, but military men tend to be men of few words. Direct any questions to Colonel Alenko... that sort of thing. Verbal economy. But again, just an observation that you can take or leave.
The gradual trickling of marines through the doors of the auditorium was full of anxiety. --the trickle of marines cannot be full of anxiety, anxious marines are trickling.
Nathan could hardly wait to see what company he'd be assigned, and what role he'd play in the detachment.
Going through the doors of the auditorium, the courtyard was filled to the brim – here again, the courtyard can't go through the doors of the auditorium. I believe what you meant was that as he passed through the doors, he saw that the courtyard was filled to the brim, but, as well, can a courtyard be filled to the brim? That is more of a volume thing, so what if it was packed wall to wall? Or something like that which paints a specific picture for the reader.
with eager recruits awaiting their designated company.
The line Nathan found himself in slowly inched forward as each name was called.
“Nathan Parker!” a Salarian shouted over the chaotic chatter that reverberated throughout the courtyard. Nathan fought his way through the crowds toward the Salarian.
“You called my name, sir?” Nathan asked.
“Are you Nathan J. Parker?” the Salarian inquired, looking down towards a holographic list.
“Yes sir.”
“You are to report to the designated Aurora Company shuttle located in the terminal over there,” the Salarian directed Nathan toward the docking area. There were several shuttles, all painted with different colors representing different squads. The information given to Nathan indicated that the ocean-blue shuttle belonged to Aurora Company, so he continued to wander throughout the busy terminal until he stumbled across the ship. -- This is all written from the narrator's point of view. Put us inside Nathan. He could shuffle through the crowd to the docking area, look down at the information he was given. Read it until he figures out where to go, then look up... etc. We want to care about Nathan and experience his universe, his story, so sit us down inside him. Let us see the emotions he is going through. Excitement, fear, etc. I imagine he would be experiencing a great many things in this situation.
Crawling inside, -- Do you crawl into a shuttle? And do these shuttles have windows, because I have never seen a shuttle in the ME universe with windows thanks to our experience being the Kodiak... so if it has windows, let us know. Paint a picture of it, briefly, as Nathan sees things. It can be as simple as him seeing how crowded the shuttle already is through the window.
he found himself wedged between an Asari and a Turian. As he tried to squeeze through, the intercom buzzed with a VI's voice, “Please select a seat. The vessel will takeoff shortly.”
With the urgency to find a seat, Nathan sat next to the two he was alongside with. -- awkward and repetitive.
He would periodically look over to see what the two strangers were doing, each time they looked back he would look away or pretend to be looking at something else. Nathan had a subtle feeling that blending in with the others would be best for him, --This is awkward. Nathan glanced at the other recruits, trying to match his behaviour to theirs. Blending in seemed the best plan until he got his feet under him. Also, eliminate adverbs... anything with an -LY ending should be chopped out and replaced with a better verb. 'Periodically looked' can be replaced with 'glanced'... more powerful, elegant verbs are always the best choice.
that is, until they arrived on the Turian training planet of Manusha.
When the shuttle was heading to its destination, a Turian frigate, the Asari looked over towards Nathan, “If you keep looking at me, I will stare back at you for the rest of the trip,” she smiled.
“I apologize. I am just looking trying get a sense of what to do,” he chuckled with a hint of inquietude. The Asari also let out a small spurt of laughter as both of them looked at the Turian frigate they were to dock in.
Before too long, the Turian sitting next to him joined them in their gaze towards the beauty of the ship. -- Show me Nathan's appreciation for the ship. What does it look like to him? Is it strong and predatory? Elegant? Does he have an appreciation for Turian engineering? Does he know anything about ships? Might he compare how it is similar or different to an Alliance ship? This is an excellent opportunity to let us into who Nathan is.
“Quite impressive, isn't it?” the Turian said, facing Nathan.
“It is,” Nathan answered, turning to sit more comfortably in his seat.
The Turian began to smile, “You excited to become a marine?”
Nathan grinned at the absurdity of the question, “I suppose I am. What's your name? -- Why is this question absurd to Nathan? It seems a perfectly good question to use as an icebreaker if trying to make friends. The reason Nathan considers it absurd can let us into his head a little.
The Turian readjusted his positioning to match that of Nathan's, --awkward. He turned to face Nathan... or whatever.... keep it simple.
“Aliph. Aliph Lo'Thrat. You?” he asked, placing his hands on his lap.
“Nathan Parker.”
"Nice to meet you, Nathan,” Aliph said, extending his hand. Nathan shook it, pleasantly surprised by the friendliness of this particular Turian. Despite Nathan's open-mindedness concerning the several species' differences, he was accustomed to the hostility between the Humans and Turians.
Likewise, Aliph was surprised and seemed joyous because of it. -- First, this changes to Aliph's POV. Stay with Nathan, don't hop from one character to another. Second, I haven't seen Aliph's joyousness. Show us how happy he is to have a human be friendly.
The two continued to talk to one another while the ship docked.
A day passed before the frigate arrived on Manusha, -- What did Nathan do? Sit in a seat? Sleep? Read? Wander the ship?
a newly-founded Turian colony specifically designed for the purpose of educating multiple species in the art of war.
Nathan found himself arriving on the planet – awkward and passive. Nathan found himself? The universe just moves Nathan along without his realizing it? Easy fix... Nathan arrived on the planet... Avoid passive writing. Make the character an active participant in his life, not a leaf on the wind... even if he is.
within thirty minutes of their warping to the system. -- Warping throws me out of the Mass Effect universe and into Star Trek. Did they use a relay or FTL? Stay consistent with the universe.
He looked for his new friend, Aliph, who was probably among the thousands of students on the planetary docking platform. -- Aliph is probably amongst them? That is a definitely, I think. He looked for his new friend among the thousands.... Also, why didn't they travel together on the Frigate?
“Hay, Nathan! Over here!” Aliph shouted. He was already in line with the other Aurora Company recruits. When Nathan joined, an officer began speaking.
“You, ladies and gentleman, will be shown your living quarters for the next year. Here, you will learn the basics of combat, --They are going to learn the basics of combat in their quarters? If that is the case, make sure you show us how that is going to work. Otherwise, clarify.
the fundamentals of leadership, and the complexity of tactical deployment. -- Being super picky here, but it stuck out to me... they are going to learn only the basics of combat, but are going to delve into the complexity of tactical deployment? Make sure you are saying exactly what you mean to say.
Your job for the next week will be to organize yourselves. -- They are going to spend a week organizing themselves? And the squad leader tells them a little later that they are going to start training the next morning. Also, military academies run on tight schedules, strict discipline. “You have an hour to get your gear stored and report to the...” etc.
I will be passing my company command over to one of your fellow recruits and he or she will give out squad leadership among those he judges worthy,” -- this doesn't make sense to me. Choosing one of the raw recruits who knows absolutely nothing to lead the squad? And why should he know who is worthy or not in the first day?
fter briefly looking over a list held in his hands, he turned to the tallest of all the recruits, a sturdily built Turian, “You will be the commander, Vahan. Select your subordinates after you arrive at your quarters.”
“Yes, sir,” Vahan acknowledged the command.
Aliph turned to Nathan as the company began the walk to the residential wing of the military school, “Oh, that Vahan guy is going to be an interesting leader.”
“Why do you say that?” Nathan asked.
“His full name is Vahan Alterius,” he said, “Needless to say, he is going to have a sore spot when it comes to you Humans.” - His name means that he is going to have a sore spot when it comes to humans? Should I know that last name or something? If I am supposed to, throw in a little explanation here about who this fellow is and why I should expect him to hate humans. If he is a relative of Saren Arterius, the SPECTRE that Shepard brought down, make sure to spell the name right so we aren't lost.
Nathan was displeased, “That's not good. -- Nathan was displeased is telling. Show me his displeasure. Does his body react? Here is an excellent chance to throw in some characterization. Nathan is reading completely neutral, no personality. Since I assume, perhaps wrongly so, that he is going to be the driving force behind this story, the main character, make him live and breathe for me. That's crap... or whatever, just make him an individual who stands out in colour against the world.
Our own leader possesses the same stupid prejudices that everyone else seems to hold on to. Why would that officer give command to him?”
“Well, everyone is a little stupid,” Aliph chuckled.
Nathan couldn't help but smile at the statement. In some aspects, it was true. Everyone is at least a little ignorant or hostile about something, though Nathan found the rampant racism tiring and unfounded. There was nothing indicating that any one race was better than the other,
nor was there any evidence that one could exist without the other. -- Not entirely true since humanity existed just fine on their own for hundreds of thousands of years before contact with other races. I think what you mean to say here is that ... if this is after the Reaper War... that it had been shown how much stronger etc. we could be when we all pulled together.
The top contributors to the racism were the Salarians, Humans, Volus, and Turians though. -- This statement is a sweeping generalization that is stated as though it is truth for the universe. Is it? Or does it seem to Nathan that these races tend toward racism? Saying that it is the way Nathan sees things lets us move a little further into his head.
The Asari, Elcor, Hanar, and Quarians tried to get all of them to work together, since their livelihood, in one way or another, depended on peaceful interaction between the Citadel races. -- Their livelihood? All asari and elcor etc do not do the same job, so I am not sure what this means. At the time of the games, in fact the Quarians are very insular and removed from galactic society, so if things have changed, let us know how in some way. For example, and since the Quarians had established Rannoch as a deep space trading capital... etc.
“Alright, I want four separate squads. Each one will have one leader who will in turn report to the personnel officer, then that officer will report to me. You, Salarian. What is your name?” Vahan demanded. Once again, here I wondered what a raw recruit would know about how many squads, etc. Wouldn't he be just as clueless as Nathan?
“Shef'looh, sir!”
“You are Alpha fireteam leader.”
“Asari, what is your name?”
“Melona Xarquai, sir!” she reported.
“You are Beta fireteam leader,” Vahan slowly passed each recruit, who had formed a neat line. -- Verbal economy... and try to avoid adverbs as much as you can. If someone passes slowly... it paints a bland picture, but if he stalks down the line, or studies each recruit with a piercing avian stare... that paints a picture. Also on verbal economy... passed down the neat line of recruits saves words, thus making it easier for the reader.
He then passed Nathan, letting off a subtle growl as he went. Vahan then towered before another recruit, “You there! Quarian, what is your name?” -- He passed Nathan, Put these two sentences together to show progression. A subtle growl emanated from the turian recruit as he passed Nathan, and moved down the line to tower over another recruit.
Aliph leaned over to whisper into Nathan's ear, “Wow, I thought he was about to rip your heart out. -- All he did was growl. He would have to get a lot more in Nathan's face than a growl for me to believe he was going to rip Nathan's heart out.
It doesn't seem like he will be putting any Humans in any official leadership role.” Both were surprised that a Quarian was selected before he even considered any Human.
Not that the Quarians were particularly ineffective, but the Humans possessed a far more capable military prowess than the Quarians. --You just finished saying how horrible Nathan though racism was, and then had him be surprised that a Quarian was picked for a leadership role based on a stereotype of their combat prowess... hrm. Be consistent. Wouldn't Nathan think it was cool that one was picked?
In the end, Shef'looh, Melona, Wren'Jaa vas Tiusa, and an unlikely selection, a Volus named Shal, were all in positions of leadership. Not a single Human was selected for any leadership role, despite roughly half of Aurora being composed of them.
“The next meal time is in two hours. We will begin training tomorrow at 0630. Get acquainted with your team members,”
Vahan looked at Nathan again, “No matter how insufferable they are.” -- If half of Aurora is humans, why is Nathan being singled out? If this is going to be a personal issue between the two recruits... make it personal. If it a racial thing, make it racial.
Nathan and Aliph overheard several disgruntled recruits grumbling because they were not selected, but they trudged to their squad dormitories to meet their fellow members.
Nathan and Aliph opened the locked door to the Beta fireteam dormitory. Um what? Were they given keys?
“Hay, is for horses. Spelling
I remember you from the shuttle ride. Still want to stare at me?” Melona giggled as she approached Nathan and Aliph. They could only smile in reply. “Welcome to Beta squad! Where the diversity never ceases to amaze!” This comment doesn't make sense to me coming before the rest of the squad showing up. And you never showed them getting their squad assignments or anything, so I am left wondering how they even knew where to go, etc.
she threw her arms up in the air, arching her back a little.
As she spoke, a young Quarian male, a Turian female, a Volus, and a Salarian all entered the room. Almost every major Citadel race was present, and the only one that participated in military recruitment that was missing was a Drell recruit, but the neighboring squad dormitory already had the only one.
“Hello, squadmates. Assuming that you want to continue persisting in the delusion that we are to be remotely unified in the coming endeavors, my name is Deec Slaikers,” the Salarian quickly stated.
“Ah, cheer up you downer. We will become good friends by the end of our training,” the Quarian sounded confident, “I am Meyek'Lowo vas Mauua, but you can just call me Meyek.” All the other squad members spent a brief moment in a fruitless attempt to make out the Quarian's face from within his helmet.
It took Meyek a few moments to realize what the others were doing, -- This takes us out of Nathan's head and into someone else's thoughts. It can be jarring for the reader to jump from point of view to point of view, so show that Meyek figures it out through his body language and what he says.
“Well, er. I cannot take it off, if that is what you want.”
The Volus hobbled forward, “I know how that feels, Rannoch-cla... I mean, Meyek.”
Melona smiled, “What is your name?”
The Volus looked upwards to Melona, and then looked around at the others, “My name is Sorlim.”
“Hay, Sorlim. I guess you and I are the only ones in the group who can't show our faces,” Meyek laughed.
Sorlim hobbled towards Meyek, agreeing as he spun around to see who else had not stated their name. He spied the female Turian. -- This changes to Sorlim's POV.
The female Turian was laying on her cot, appearing to ignore the conversation. The silence drew her attention to the rest of the squad, “What, am I supposed to be all touchy and 'feely' too? Please, I am getting out of this squad tomorrow morning, so it doesn't even matter.
Stupid newbies.” Isn't she a newbie too?
"Keelah, what is up her bum?” Meyek muttered underneath his breath.
The Turian did not even bother to say anything else and instead rolled over and continued to ignore the rest of the squad. Melona turned and raised her brows to the others and whispered, “Somebody is a little upset.”
Sorlim, Deec, and Meyek all looked at Nathan and Aliph. It took a brief period for the two to figure out what they were gazing at them for,
but Aliph suddenly realized it, -- Aliph's POV
“Oh, yes! I am Aliph and this Human here is named Nathan.” For a story that seems to be about setting aside race, it gets pointed out a lot. How about, I'm Aliph, and my friend here is Nathan.”? Or something like that.
Nathan nodded, “Hello.” -- So far, our main character has been completely absent from this scene. We should be seeing the whole thing from inside his head.
The next hour and a half was devoted to the squad members, with the exception of the female Turian, unpacking their few belongings and getting acquainted with the quarters. The room was separated into three areas, despite it being an open-floored dormitory. The first, and closest to the entrance, was a brightly lit room with gray walling and carpet. It housed a small closet, which held their uniforms and training gear, as well as a television and several seats.
The next designated area had a table and several seats placed around it, presumably for meetings and studying. The last 'room' was the dimly lit area everyone introduced themselves in. Cots lay in an orderly fashion across the room, a small desk next to the cots with a holographic computer on each for extranet browsing and study.
Deec was the first to finish unpacking his things and sat watching videos on the extranet, “Fascinating how you guys all take so long.”
Nathan looked to see that, from Deec's perspective, everyone else was in fact lagging behind. He finished fifteen minutes before any of them did. Melona turned, finishing forms she had to submit to the company leader, “Calm down Deec. They'll be done in a moment and then we can all go to the cafeteria.”
Sorlim finally finished placing his belongings in their proper places and looked towards Deec, “Listen, Sur'Kesh-clan... I mean, Deec. Some of us aren't in a rush to complete unimportant tasks because, unlike you, we live longer than thirty years.”
“If it is a non-vital task, why would you spend an unnecessary amount of time performing it? Does it not make logical sense to avoid wasting valuable time?” Deec asked, ignoring Sorlim's jab. -- Why waste time with unimportant things says the guy watching extranet vids. LOL Are they kitten vids?
“Come on you two, cut it out. We have to go eat soon,” Melona reminded the two quarrelsome recruits. With that, Beta team left the room and the female Turian behind to go eat. The cafeteria was in the larger wing of the marine academy, and was large enough to
accommodate the majority of the students and staff. It – I would hope, in fact, that it would be large enough to hold ALL the students and staff.
was constructed to match the dietary needs of every species. There was an individual kitchen for every participating Citadel race. Readers stop taking in listed details of a place very quickly and skip on to get back to the story. So, the key is to embed description in the action and dialogue, reactions of the characters, etc. So here, you could have Nathan and Aliph split up to each go to their own kitchen... or someone could comment on it. Why though, since say, Asari and Humans can eat the same stuff, would they have separate kitchens? I can definitely see having the levo and dextro cooking areas separate. LOL food fights could take on a whole new level of danger in this setting.
Each fireteam had their own individual table designated by a holographic sign glowing with the corresponding color of the company, and the name of the squad. Nathan was the first to arrive at his own table, with Melona, Deec, and Meyek soon after. When Aliph and Sorlim arrived, the squad began discussing their reasoning for joining the new Citadel marine corps. This is akward. Just have them sit and start talking. You don't have to say they do. Melona could sit and ask Selim, say... What brings a Volus to the Citadel Marines?
As an aside here... it is going to be really hard for a Volus to participate in the same training as the others. They are not physically adept beings, so you will have to make allowances for that in your story.
“I joined because being biotic is a precursor to enlisting in the military. So, that said, I had to choose between the Asari military or the new Citadel forces. I chose the Citadel to get away from an Asari-dominated society,” she explained. She looked to Sorlim, who began to explain his reason for joining. What? Asari do all sorts of jobs, in fact they are one of the least military races there is.. and all asari are biotics.
“No job position is more secure than a tour in the military forces. I will stay in long enough to make enough money to start my own business, and then I will take my leave.”
“Why cease to serve the citizens of Citadel space?” Deec queried.
“Well, I will continue to serve them in my own way. I will open a bank with inflated interest so wealth disparity decreases over time,” Sorlim answered.
“Hardly sounds legal or economical,” said Deec.
Sorlim seemed to have researched his plans thoroughly, “I know all the loopholes to make it both legal and profitable.” Okay, so your volus is both greedy and unethical? That is the worst stereotype of the Volus. Granted, it has a basis in cannon thanks to Rupe Elkoss, and Pitne For... but... in a story where you seem to want to go for the other way, it sticks out.
“I joined because I want to serve and defend the Quarian people,” Meyek proudly boasted. For a moment, his chest was pushed out with pride, but then he slowly hunched over again, “
But my father is overbearing and wants me to help my people rebuild Rannoch. If his father is overbearing, and his desires seem to run contrary to Meyek's, how is Meyek there? Did he run away?
He wants me to work hard so I will be chosen to join the Quarian... how do you say it? 'Council'?”
“Why does your father want you to do that?” Aliph asked, finally taking a pause from devouring his meal.
Meyek turned his helmet to face Aliph, “Because my cousin served on it, and her father before her.”
“Right. I thought family ties weren't supposed to influence achieving more influential positions within your government,” Aliph said.
“In theory,” Meyek sighed.
“Joined the Citadel military service to analyze the heterogeneity in physiological, sociological, and neurological permutations of different individuals concerning inter-species interaction,” Deec hastily explained.
“Woah, slow down there my scientific friend. At least ask my permission before you 'analyze' my inter-species 'interaction',” Aliph chuckled alongside Nathan. Does alongside here mean next to, or is Nathan laughing as well?
Deec continued to dabble with an electronic notepad on his wrist, seeming to ignore Aliph's joke. -- When you change characters, new paragraph.
Aliph then cleared his throat, “I joined because I felt I would be good at it. I can work well along other races, and I am proficient in combat. My parents thought it to be a foolish idea, having seen many of their friends die during the Reaper War. I suppose they forget that I watched my own friends die as well.” I understand his parents being worried, but the Turians are a military society. They can't even become full citizens unless they serve in the military. It's just the way their society works.
at the table ceased eating for several moments, recalling the shadow of history. The galaxy-wide war against the Reapers was a devastating one. How much time has passed? And what ending did you choose... because whether the Citadel and relays etc are up and running again within the time that feels like would have passed if these 'kids' remember the war that well, seems unlikely except for a Synthesis or Control ending. Might be worth mentioning here.
Economies were left in shambles, worlds were left completely obliterated, and weakened military forces were left to lick their wounds. Soon, however, they began to eat and socialize again. The devastated worlds began to eat and socialize again?
They refused to relive that terrible event once again. That terrible event is very bland... they refuse to live that nightmare, or horror... or whatever...
Melona looked up towards Nathan when she finished with her meal. She placed her hand on her chin and propped her elbow up on the table, “So, Nathan, why did you join?”
Nathan finished his meal as well, “I joined to see the galaxy. I figured being apart of the Alliance military would confine my service to purely Alliance worlds, especially since we are still in the process of rebuilding our middle and outer rim colonies.”
“Ah, soldier-boy wants to see the galaxy,” Melona giggled. Why is she mocking Nathan's reason when she didn't comment on the others? Is she offended that he was watching her on the shuttle? Is she attracted to him? Let us into Melona's character a little through Nathan's eyes... does he suspect she is attracted, or that she thinks he's an arse... etc.
"Marine-boy, Melona. We're marines," Aliph coughed subtly.
Nathan smiled, “An innocent enough desire, I suppose.”
Aliph threw his arms out towards the other tables, “I guess it is. You are already seeing a little piece of the galaxy, Nathan. It is a large and diverse place.”
Nathan looked to his friend, “And I already love it.”
With that, the team finished their meals and headed to their quarters. It had been a long and exciting day for the entire team. I don't care about the entire team. I care about what sort of day it was for Nathan. Would he lie in his rack and think back on the day and his companions? Let us see his reactions to the day and all its new experiences.
When Nathan crawled into his cot, he let his muscles relax. The feeling was comfortable and welcome. Despite the unfair company leader, the day had been an excellent one.
Thanks for sharing. Keep writing and have fun!