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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jun 7, 2013 15:05:27 GMT 1
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Post by jklinders on Jun 7, 2013 21:46:41 GMT 1
Thanks for the heads up Gorvar.
Tiernan, your story was moved to the fanfic section. Any reviews can go here.
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mizdirected
Serviceman 3rd Class
Le sigh... le pant... le gasp
Posts: 33
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Post by mizdirected on Jun 12, 2013 19:24:49 GMT 1
It was really short, so not much to say. It is a good beginning, although it reads more like a character outline that one might write for themselves rather than a story, at least up until the dialogue begins. Spacing spacing spacing. It's really hard to read squished together blocks of text on a computer screen, so make sure you use lots of space. I would enjoy seeing more... something that tells a story. It sounds like this would be an interesting fellow to see make his way through the Reaper War. POINT BY POINT - Your words in large bold, mine tiny and immediately following where I have something to say.My life up until the arrival of the Reapers was what might be charitably called a series of almost. -- almosts, plural Despite a decidedly poor school I’d almost scored high enough to be trained as an engineer. -- The things that follow make it sound as though this fellow isn't that intelligent, but this sentence blames the school. I’d been born too late for the 1st Contact War, so when the war was over they had once again raised the entrance exams. -- this sentence is awkward. And, I am not sure about the scores being raised... there is a linkage there that I'm missing. Could he have gotten into a particular school or something if the war was still going on? The Alliance Military was closed to me as well. -- Why? Not smart enough, failed the physical? Needless to say I couldn’t make the college entrance exams either. -- By here, I am wondering... is he not smart enough or is he just a quitter, because if it was the school, why not do something about it? Another school, equivalency upgrading, anything. LOL... Not saying this to change the character at all, but just as feedback on what I am thinking about this fellow. If he is a quitter. If he has said, pft, there's nothing I can do, I'll just give up, that is a super important piece of character information.Things were not looking up but the City of Oakland hired me as a sewage and sanitation worker. -- Comma there
Someone has to repair the welding bots and the automated trenchers and pipe layers.
So no I don’t have any stories of traveling through miles of sewage leavened plasticrete pipe. -- Comma in the first and spelling on the second.
If you think that didn’t keep a lot of people from looking down on me you’d be wrong. - This fellow is starting to get unlike-able by about here due to his negativity. Again, just a comment. You might want him to be. If that is what you are going for, spot on.The job didn’t pay that well but I found if I was careful I could keep clothes on my back, afford a fairly bad apartment, and eat. -- Commas I found I didn’t have much money left for anything else. -- This sentence uses I found again. It could be combined with the previous sentence. The job didn't pay well, but if I was careful, I could keep clothes on my back, afford a crappy apartment, and eat, but not much else. My wardrobe was from a thrift store which had the unfortunate effect of making me a target of ridicule by the kids on the block. -- comma. You could just eliminate the phrase had the unfortunate effect of... , which made me a target... it's just cleaner. It was hard not to resent it but kids are going to be kids. -- comma I washed my face in the dented stainless steel sink. I brushed my teeth and got to look at my thin brown hair framing a face that looked more like a beaten suitcase. -- and got to look? Not sure what that means. This is sort of a clumsy way to describe someone. The mirror thing is kinda trite, but packing in too much description compounds that. He could grumble at himself. Dammit Zak, your face is starting to look like a battered suitcase... although, that is a weird sorta image.I was one of those working poor. I couldn’t get the free medical services offered to the actual poor and I couldn’t buy anything else. --comma And as a side note, getting ready to slap him. LOL Which again, could be exactly where you want me to be. The life extension treatments were something I could dream about but never afford. I looked every damned day of my fifty five years and felt it too. “Zak are you there?” I really did have something that was 1st class though, my Omni-tool. Technically it was owned by the City of Oakland but since they have to attune to a particular nervous system it was mine. -- I like these sentences, because here we finally have a sense of lightening... he does have something that he is proud of. But, and I think I know why it's here... because the call draws his attention to it, link it. Have him activate it, or whatever, and admire it for the second before he answers the call. As it is, without anything linking it, it's sorta like a brick wall for the reader. Also, need a comma after Technically. “Zak Dayson will you answer me damn it!” -- comma after Dayson.
“Hi there Jack, what brings you calling an hour before my shift begins?” -- is this a comm call or is the other fellow there? because brings you calling, sounds like the fellow is at his door.A good start to something. Maybe we will see more.
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