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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 22, 2013 9:18:00 GMT 1
Aparantly they are mentioned in the Cerberus news tidbits back in ME2, i just picked a random band name since I forogt the one Morinth liked during Samara's mission.
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Post by Mister Buch on May 22, 2013 11:05:50 GMT 1
Something 10....
But you've done your research, eh?
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 22, 2013 16:41:20 GMT 1
I always do.
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Post by Mister Buch on May 27, 2013 0:37:45 GMT 1
I like the way the alternate timeline is set up - it's very legit, you know - feels very much like what would have happened if Saren had never met Sovereign. Really looking forward to seeing Vega and Legion too. I like this story.
“People don’t change that much. Some people are born wolves, some are sheep. You may be wearing sheep’s clothing but you teeth are shining through, Commander.” --- Fantastic. I wanted to shake your hand at that line.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 27, 2013 0:50:33 GMT 1
I love that line to, I just had to put it in because it fit the mood and scene so well. Folks on Fanfiction.net and my other forum really like this story to. May have struck a goldmine here...
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jun 15, 2013 14:50:38 GMT 1
Swearsies, will have something up tommorow!
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Post by Mister Buch on Jun 17, 2013 14:45:32 GMT 1
Very nice, as always. I like how it's working out. And Vega and Anderson - two of my favourite ever characters - were handled very well, I could hear their voices when I read the lines. Nice work incorporating Vega's girlfriend too! Neat. And as always the way the plot works and is communicated continues to impress me and make me envious.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jun 17, 2013 15:36:09 GMT 1
Makes you wish you WERENT an Dinosaur were you? Neah seriously thanks dude, been having fun with this.
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Post by Clint Johnston on Jun 18, 2013 7:36:23 GMT 1
Just remember now: You asked for this. Any and all the stuff written in italics is my suggestion, not a condemnation of you or your work. (People just don't get editors these days)
Strange metaphors are part and parcel of the noir style, but the opening one here is clumsy.
The Sky is dark. Rain pours down my face like giant tears. Their chill helps me wake up.
2 am on the morning is repetitive and incorrectly phrased. I have adjusted below. I added the last sentence to better combine the intro of the character.
Two AM, an hour everyone should be asleep, save officers and lunatics. Unluckily, I am both.
Revelry is a party. Reverie is private thoughts. I bumped your explanation down a few sentences as well. I adjusted the sentence about Shepard's partner.
"Commander Shepard?" The driver pulls me out of my reverie. Apparently we have arrived. Udina called me fifteen minutes ago, said there was a murder I had to investigate. I didn't bother to wake the man I was with. Fact is, I didn't even know his name. I should stop drinking so much.
The sentence about Shepard's hair doesn't make any sense. I skipped it. Kept the Boone Industries reference, removed the repetitive description of the clientele. Adjusted the supposition about Udina.
I wave to the driver and hop out of the shuttle. I look up at the high rise. Terracotta Tower. Well, this explains why Udina called. High end Boone Industries setup catering to the upper crust and elite of the Citadel.
Garrus' introduction is pretty smooth, some minor ESL issues. (Didn't Garrus get his scars in 2? Is this set post 3 in a different universe or or post 1?) Changed Garrus' smile to a grin. "Patrol car" seems out of place. Replaced with "Response team" but not sure if it fits. Removed "ago" It would be used if Shepard asked "When did you get here?" FYI, Schmuck is spelled S-c-h-muck.
A C-Sec officer runs over to me, a Turian with a scar across his face. I can't help but smile a little and shake his hand when he offers it. "Shepard, good to see you." He says with a similar grin. "Garrus, likewise." I nod and walk with him. "How long have you been here?" "I was with the first response team, about thirty minutes." He replies. "Who made the call?" I ask, but the answer is provided as we enter the tower. In the corner, an officer is trying to comfort a bawling Salarian. She's given him a blanket and is waiting patiently. Clearly not one of Bailey's troupe, then.
Removed "was". Abbreviated "We will". Adjusted the sentence about lunch. Removed "up" from the lighting sequence. Added fumble for a lighter. Is the phrase "there is no Shepard without a Vakarian" from the game? I removed the A so it's clearer that your characters are unique. Capitalized race names. I think you meant Quips when you said quirks. Quirks are a person's odd habits, like my using the "force" on automatic doors.
“The janitor found the victim after he saw a shady figure leave the apartment.” Garrus says, "He couldn't give us a clear detail on the gender or race. Well he said it couldn't have been a Volus, Elcor or a Krogan.” “Well that narrows the suspects down to only four trillion.” I stick a cigarette in my mouth and fumble for a lighter. We enter the elevator as Garrus punches in the key for the top floor. “We'll have this solved in time for lunch.” He jokes. He takes out his lighter and lights my cigarette. He still has my back after all this time, there is no Shepard without Vakarian. God bless him. I nod at him as I exhale the sweet, sweet gray smoke. "Probably have a few firefights in the wards as well, just like old times.” He quips some more. “Yeah.” I say as nothing comes to mind.
Um... yep, that's how elevators work. Adjusted. Dropping the F-bomb this early is a bit tacky. Save it for something really screwed up. Adjusted the sentence about Protheans.
The doors open and we walk out. There are more C-Sec officers guarding the apartment. To get by, Garrus has to flash a badge, but no one asks me who I am. Everyone knows Commander Shepard, savior of the Citadel. Damn Udina and his PR campaign. As I step inside, I notice immediately that the victim had distinct tastes. Prothean artifacts encircle the room. Urns, vases, plates, even a bust from the dead one they found on Eden Prime.
Descriptive sentence good, but clunky. Replaced. Adjusted the rest.
Skycars rush past the windows, never noticing the crime scene next door. Garrus directs me to the bedroom. The bed is covered in blue blood, as if it tried to take the blood, but couldn't absorb it all. A still chilled champagne bottle and the couple of glasses set out proves she was expecting someone tonight.
It interrupts the flow to come back to the blood at the end of this paragraph. I put it in front. Adjusted the thing about eyes. It's an Asari, it's female. Likewise, Batarians are not men AKA human. Elysium was written twice. Changed the flow for the eyes sentences.
The source of the blood is a young Asari, her throat slit open by a large knife. She is naked, save for a blanket to preserve her modesty. Her blue eyes state at me as only dead ones can. My mind goes back to the first person I killed, one of the Batarians who attacked Elysium. I remember his cold dead eyes filled with hatred, staring me down as if intent upon resurrection. But her eyes are different. Hers are filled with shock and surprise. What was she thinking as her life came to such a violent end?
As I moved the knife wound into another sentence, I removed the suggestiveness concerning it. I like the other arrangement better, but if more of the store relies on it, you might not want to keep that change. Fixed the spelling on Archaeologist. Changed to past tense. I know you offered a brief intro to characters in the first post, but you offered more intro for Garrus than Mordin. How does the audience know it's Professor Solus if they don't recognize the speech method? Fixed "call came". Replaced came with arrived and undo with remove. Adjusted Mordin's reply to present tense and changed the phrasing on the preliminary autopsy. "I ponder" I Ponder what? The wound, the eyes, the autopsy, the sex? The last sentence needed adjusting. "we'd" instead of "we". Shepard presumes the victim was dating someone with no clarification. Adjusted.
I kneel down as I try to inspect the wound. "Name?" I ask Garrus. "Doctor Liara T'soni." He says. "Worked for the Archaeologist Academy on Thessia. She came back last week from a expedition somewhere. We’re trying to get someone from the Academy on the horn. So far no luck.” “Keep trying.” I stand back up. “Commander, here faster than expected.” I turn to see my tech expert, Professor Mordin Solus, enter the room. He already has his surgical kit and tools out. Before I can say anything, he has slipped his plastic gloves on and is going over the scene. “I was nearby.” I reply. “Lucky for some.” Mordin said. "Just arrived home after Pavarotti Concert at Presidium Concert Hall when call came, barely had time to remove tuxedo.” “Feeling your age, Mordin?” Garrus smirked. “Will feel better after hour of sleep.” Mordin replies as he examines her wrist. "Victim dead for one hour, death instant.” He checks her eyes with a penlight. "Drugged before throat slit. Possible sexual intercourse, can only tell for certain with autopsy.” I wave a couple of officers over. "We'd best interview everyone in the apartment building to find out if they saw or heard anything, and ask her colleagues and family if they know who she was meeting tonight.”
Adjusted Garrus' activity.
“Family might be a problem, Shepard.” Garrus says as he looks at his omnitool. "That’s Matriarch Benezia’s daughter. One of the Council’s top money lenders.” “Which means we’ll have heavy pressure on us to crack the case.” I rub my brow as I finally feel the full brunt of my hangover kick in. "Right then, let's begin shall we?”
OK. Interesting premise. Offering a different outlook on characters we enjoy. So far so good. Friends with Garrus, reliant on Mordin, morose about Udina. I'm imagining a femshep here, are you deliberately leaving it ambiguous? Not that it really matters. This character (as Jennifer Hale applauded so much) is universal, and could be either.
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on Jun 18, 2013 18:15:18 GMT 1
Dude, awesome review there Clint! I'll work on those points, edit those parts in/out. I'm leaving this shepard as genderless as possible, like Jen Hale said it's the best thing to do while writing. Again thank you very much there dude. Seriously, thanks.
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