Post by Cali on Dec 12, 2011 0:22:12 GMT 1
Davies DLC
Episode 3: Fresh Prince of HarryDville
I really should be writing Cyan Steel and not bashing some eleven year old's work. But being the masochist I am, I just love to punish myself. This truly is the Manos of Mass Effect fanfiction.
STORY SIGN
Harry Davies Big Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Harrier Davies?
Harry Davies in Africa?
The Autism Strikes Back?
Look man, I'll admit I'm not very good at math, but I'm pretty sure we can all figure something like THAT out.
The tectonic plating in the planet's crust must be like a pumpkin pie under an anvil.
Okay, so the Star Station is pretty much a carbon copy of the Citadel, only built by a bumbling android and his inconceivable corporation in just a few years, not by an advanced ancient race of Protheons who focused every fiber of their being in creating.
Yeah! Fuck Communism!
Yeah the heck with those fifth columnists in Freedom's Progress, too. The fact that pretty much every planetary colonization by the human race in Mass Effect was invested or financed by corporations is a bunch of hockey. If you see them working together and not helping William Davies they're commies I tell you!
Also Harry sounds like such a dick of a father. I'm going to assume the reason he disowned her was because she was an even bigger twit than he, and not that she was a card carrying pinko. Though knowing Harry I could be very wrong.
Thanks for spoilin' bro. Not that we care, for that matter.
Like the character it's named after, Robotnic can't never seem to catch a break. Ever sinceJimbo Wales Newell landed on the planet everything has gone to shit. The folly of humanity, I suppose.
Again with the bloody fusion cores! Harry if you're apparently God, why not create a new stable man made element?! You'd think that the destruction of the Earth would call for at least the slightest amount of energy reform! Is the Davies Corporation energy division president doing rails in his office or something?
Oh wait. Is the energy division director Gordon Freeman? Okay, now it makes a little sense. A LITTLE.
If this were actually counted as canon, it would be the human history that people would intentionally write out of the history books due to how retarded it was. Kind of like how everybody tried to forget about Uwe Boll's film career.
Brilliant bro. You'll be swimming in Golden Globes and BAFTA awards for this.
Because of all this shit that keeps happening, I'm surprised Davies Corp's stock hasn't taken a nose dive lower than Death Valley.
Ah! Nu uh uh! Bit of a math error there, Mister Tesla!
Script format: It's what's for dinner.
Also, let's not be giving his wife a name, she's can't be that important.
Called it.
Marv's death in Pulp Fiction was less unexpected than this.
Saved by the plot. The collectors could have ended that madness right then, but no...
You know I get the feeling the author wouldn't know Vroliks syndrome from syphilis if he hadn't been introduced to it by Joker's character.
Also given the Chozo - Samus Aran relationship here, I half expect William to get a power suit of some sort. But no, he's William Motherfuckin' Davies, son of the son of God.
What? Okay Mary-Sue power aside, I'm completely confused as to how this chain of conversation went down. Reading it it probably looks something like this:
Collector 1: Boss can we keep him?
Collector 2: Please boss! We'll feed him and clean up after him! Can we? Can we?
Harbinger: Uhhh... sure. I guess.
Collector 1: (whispering into other collector's ear) I don't think the boss is going to hold his end of the bargain.
Collector 2: You're probably right. I know! Let's somehow give him superpowers.
Collector 1: Brilliant idea! We ca- wait, what?
Collector 2: Look I wish there was more shit we could be doing on this ship, but why not? I've always wanted to be Doctor Frankenstein at some point.
Collector 1: Well alright. Time to hit the lab, then.
Let the Talimancing begin.
Tali, get those hormones checked out. It's not natural you'd have this much of a libido as a five year old. Also what the heck are you doing out of your containment bubble? You step out of that with a human there and you're bound to become Doc Holiday in a matter of seconds.
A human kid with Vrolik syndrome? On a harrowing journey? The admiralty board must have switched the oxygen supply in their suits to the stuff Dennis Hoppper was using in Blue Velvet, in order to think that was a good idea.
That's not how it works. Still, it's good that Tali can get a break from that irritating little kid.
Security Crewman 3: Well I bet on Duke. How's that?
Crewman 1: Oh God it's a human! What the hell should we do?!
First off, I don't recall Palin being a racist. Secondly, regardless of his trust in humans, it would be in everyone's best interests to scrap him along with a human family. Thirdly, if fostering wasn't an option, he'd be eating gruel in a Zakera orphanage.
Like it or not, little Billy was just saved by a convenient plot hole. Now he's free to goof around on the Citadel.
So after Harry and Steve died, the corporation suddenly crumbled without the Vice President taking over? I can see that, actually, considering the maximizing of executive profits and the implied embezzling that went on. Also, I think the Alliance should have kept a lid on it.
Golly, two years into his corporate career and he's already turned into Salvatore Luciano.
Dramatic irony has never tasted so sweet. To bad Davies can't be killed like his weakling father.
That's Calvin Coolidge's America ladies and gentlemen!
Salarian Councilor: We totally promise there aren't any unstable fusion reactors there. Honest.
Pretty much the corporate quadrant from Star Wars? I swear, I get the feeling the author read the Cliffnotes of The Fountainhead and never, ever got over it.
(Laugh track, Seinfeld bass theme plays).
And of course, William can survive the power of an Ardat-Yakshi. Because he's got that godly Davies gene.
Episode 3: Fresh Prince of HarryDville
I really should be writing Cyan Steel and not bashing some eleven year old's work. But being the masochist I am, I just love to punish myself. This truly is the Manos of Mass Effect fanfiction.
STORY SIGN
Part 2a: Second Movie
Harry Davies Big Movie 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Harrier Davies?
Harry Davies in Africa?
The Autism Strikes Back?
Lets now jump to 2098 (85 years before Mass Effect 1)
Look man, I'll admit I'm not very good at math, but I'm pretty sure we can all figure something like THAT out.
Robotonic has been restored to it's former glory with sky-scrapers towering above the clouds,
The tectonic plating in the planet's crust must be like a pumpkin pie under an anvil.
Davies Corporation is booming and a massive secret project called "TheStar Station" that is home to Humans and weaker species like: The Torbut, The Ebat, The Jigantor, The Cryo-Robot, The Tenticulus and The Pjacc has been completed (It looks like the Citadel with arms on both sides of the ring with engines and quantum drive cores),
Okay, so the Star Station is pretty much a carbon copy of the Citadel, only built by a bumbling android and his inconceivable corporation in just a few years, not by an advanced ancient race of Protheons who focused every fiber of their being in creating.
Harry's children have left home with his disowned communist daughter joining the communist colony of Freedoms Progress.
Yeah! Fuck Communism!
Yeah the heck with those fifth columnists in Freedom's Progress, too. The fact that pretty much every planetary colonization by the human race in Mass Effect was invested or financed by corporations is a bunch of hockey. If you see them working together and not helping William Davies they're commies I tell you!
Also Harry sounds like such a dick of a father. I'm going to assume the reason he disowned her was because she was an even bigger twit than he, and not that she was a card carrying pinko. Though knowing Harry I could be very wrong.
and his son living on a different colony with the woman of his dreams (The first colony to be abducted by the Collectors).
Thanks for spoilin' bro. Not that we care, for that matter.
The Omnieyes (an incredibly large Robotonic scavenger species) however, resented the restoration of the planet, and overran New HarryDville city limits, sparking a war that yet again destroyed a planet (Robotonic).
Like the character it's named after, Robotnic can't never seem to catch a break. Ever since
Harry saw that the only way out was to evacuate the city and destroy the planet and the Omnieyes with it. Harry sacrificed himself, saving everyone else in the city by giving Kalactar his Chromedinium core. As a result of giving away his Chromedinium, Harry's fusion cores went into a meltdown that destroyed Robotonic.
Again with the bloody fusion cores! Harry if you're apparently God, why not create a new stable man made element?! You'd think that the destruction of the Earth would call for at least the slightest amount of energy reform! Is the Davies Corporation energy division president doing rails in his office or something?
Kalactar was able to use the Chromedinium to repel the black hole that was threatening to destroy his planet.
Oh wait. Is the energy division director Gordon Freeman? Okay, now it makes a little sense. A LITTLE.
The people who once called New HarryDville home escaped using a massive fleet which had faced major attacks from the Omnieyes throughout the evacuation. Half of these evacuees decided to migrate to an Earth like planet. This half believed Earth was the only fit home for the human race since it lasted the longest and they used tectonic shifting technology to replicate the Earth on this new planet as far
as possible. These evacuees formed the Systems Alliance whilst other half went to seek refuge in the Star Station.
as possible. These evacuees formed the Systems Alliance whilst other half went to seek refuge in the Star Station.
If this were actually counted as canon, it would be the human history that people would intentionally write out of the history books due to how retarded it was. Kind of like how everybody tried to forget about Uwe Boll's film career.
A lot more detail has been taken out to get to Mass Effect faster!
Movies end.
Movies end.
Brilliant bro. You'll be swimming in Golden Globes and BAFTA awards for this.
Two years into Kalactar's presidency, in the year 2100 (83 years before Mass Effect), the Reapers have been making surprise attacks on all the species' worlds including the once indestructible Valadus Empire and all have retreated to The Star Station with entire species' fleets guarding it. This was not enough against the Reapers even with the Maxiom 2. The Reapers managed to kill everyone on the Star Station causing many species to go extinct but not destroying the station itself, happy with their job the Reapers disappeared into dark space once more.
Because of all this shit that keeps happening, I'm surprised Davies Corp's stock hasn't taken a nose dive lower than Death Valley.
Part 3:
The Year is 2160 (24 years before Mass Effect 1)
The Year is 2160 (24 years before Mass Effect 1)
Ah! Nu uh uh! Bit of a math error there, Mister Tesla!
Harry's Son: Steve is leading a happy life with his wife since she has borne him two
sons:
Steve: They are beautiful, what shall we call them?
His wife: I think, William Davies and Jack Davies
sons:
Steve: They are beautiful, what shall we call them?
His wife: I think, William Davies and Jack Davies
Script format: It's what's for dinner.
Also, let's not be giving his wife a name, she's can't be that important.
The year is 2165 (18 years before Mass Effect 1) and Steve and Davies Corporation has been largely forgotten about by the Systems Alliance since it has just joined the Citadel and a lot is going on
Called it.
But Steve's and his family's happiness is to be short lived as the collectors land to abduct the colony. Two collectors burst into their house and kill both Steve and his wife
Marv's death in Pulp Fiction was less unexpected than this.
but they find a soft spot for the 5 year olds (these collectors have advanced brains that allow independent thought)
Saved by the plot. The collectors could have ended that madness right then, but no...
and take them with them to the Collector cruiser. They fly off to the base to show the Collector General who is controlled by Harbinger who wants to see their potential, they scan Jack for defects and find out he is very strong and easily led, they scan William and unfortunately find an advanced brain that is resistant to indoctrination and a slight case of Vrolics syndrome.
You know I get the feeling the author wouldn't know Vroliks syndrome from syphilis if he hadn't been introduced to it by Joker's character.
Also given the Chozo - Samus Aran relationship here, I half expect William to get a power suit of some sort. But no, he's William Motherfuckin' Davies, son of the son of God.
Harbinger tries to trick the two collectors into thinking that they will keep William but they were not convinced so they implanted William with
Collector tech and biotic powers;
Collector tech and biotic powers;
What? Okay Mary-Sue power aside, I'm completely confused as to how this chain of conversation went down. Reading it it probably looks something like this:
Collector 1: Boss can we keep him?
Collector 2: Please boss! We'll feed him and clean up after him! Can we? Can we?
Harbinger: Uhhh... sure. I guess.
Collector 1: (whispering into other collector's ear) I don't think the boss is going to hold his end of the bargain.
Collector 2: You're probably right. I know! Let's somehow give him superpowers.
Collector 1: Brilliant idea! We ca- wait, what?
Collector 2: Look I wish there was more shit we could be doing on this ship, but why not? I've always wanted to be Doctor Frankenstein at some point.
Collector 1: Well alright. Time to hit the lab, then.
four months later Harbinger abandons William on an abducted colony. Luckily he is found by a passing Quarian Patrol and taken to the Rayya where the admiralty board was deciding whether to keep the baby or hand him to the Alliance. Five year old Tali'Zorah walks into the meeting wanting her Dad and spots William. Immediately falling in love with him, she pushes that her Dad should keep him.
Let the Talimancing begin.
Tali, get those hormones checked out. It's not natural you'd have this much of a libido as a five year old. Also what the heck are you doing out of your containment bubble? You step out of that with a human there and you're bound to become Doc Holiday in a matter of seconds.
After ten years (The year is 2175, 8 years before Mass Effect 1) of being bullied and falsely accused by other Quarians on the Rayya, William makes an early Pilgrimage request and his request is accepted.
A human kid with Vrolik syndrome? On a harrowing journey? The admiralty board must have switched the oxygen supply in their suits to the stuff Dennis Hoppper was using in Blue Velvet, in order to think that was a good idea.
Tali also wants to go, claiming he needs help because of his bad legs and they both go, aged just 15 years. As their ships approach the nearest Mass Relay, an asteroid separated the two and William
accidentally jumped to The Citadel.
accidentally jumped to The Citadel.
That's not how it works. Still, it's good that Tali can get a break from that irritating little kid.
William's Quarian ship docked with the Zakera ward so the security crew expected a Quarian to come out
Security Crewman 1: I bet this Quarian will be like the rest - thieves
Security Crewman 2: I bet we will see this one in C-Sec quite soon!
Security Crewman 1: I bet this Quarian will be like the rest - thieves
Security Crewman 2: I bet we will see this one in C-Sec quite soon!
Security Crewman 3: Well I bet on Duke. How's that?
Just as they were waiting for a Quarian to come out, a 15 year old human comes out, in shock the crewman contact Executor Pallin who calls a meeting with William to decide what to do with him:
Crewman 1: Oh God it's a human! What the hell should we do?!
Pallin: Well, you are only 15 so you are technically too young to not be fostered by an adult
William: I am pretty sure I can look after myself, sir
Pallin: Well, if you were a Turian I would not let you go unfostered, but I do not trust you Humans and I don't want to endanger good Turian parents. I will therefore let you go
William: I am pretty sure I can look after myself, sir
Pallin: Well, if you were a Turian I would not let you go unfostered, but I do not trust you Humans and I don't want to endanger good Turian parents. I will therefore let you go
First off, I don't recall Palin being a racist. Secondly, regardless of his trust in humans, it would be in everyone's best interests to scrap him along with a human family. Thirdly, if fostering wasn't an option, he'd be eating gruel in a Zakera orphanage.
Like it or not, little Billy was just saved by a convenient plot hole. Now he's free to goof around on the Citadel.
So after a few years of being on the Citadel (2180, 3 years before Mass Effect 1) William received a small e-mail with a little bit of remembered information about Davies Corporation from the Systems Alliance that claimed that William is the descendant of the President Harry Davies and is the rightful inheritor of Davies Corporation. William thought that he should carry on the Davies family tradition and start another Davies Corporation on the Citadel.
So after Harry and Steve died, the corporation suddenly crumbled without the Vice President taking over? I can see that, actually, considering the maximizing of executive profits and the implied embezzling that went on. Also, I think the Alliance should have kept a lid on it.
A year after starting the new New Davies Corporation (2181, 2 years before Mass Effect 1) William has taken over the Zakera Ward
Golly, two years into his corporate career and he's already turned into Salvatore Luciano.
and while at Flux he met an Asari called Morinth, he ended up dating her for a few months when the Council called him for a meeting:
Dramatic irony has never tasted so sweet. To bad Davies can't be killed like his weakling father.
Asari Counciler: Mr Davies, we called you here to talk about your Corporation
Turian Counciler: We are disgusted with your actions, taking over a ward, explain yourself!
William: (Patronisingly) I started a Corporation that was successful enough to take over a ward, simple
Turian Counciler: We are disgusted with your actions, taking over a ward, explain yourself!
William: (Patronisingly) I started a Corporation that was successful enough to take over a ward, simple
That's Calvin Coolidge's America ladies and gentlemen!
The Turian counsellor gives William a soul crushing stare when the Salarian Counciler interrupts:
Salarian Counciler: Look, we found a suitable planet for you, well will provide you with the colonization rights and let you keep the ward if
you don’t take over any more of the Citadel
Salarian Counciler: Look, we found a suitable planet for you, well will provide you with the colonization rights and let you keep the ward if
you don’t take over any more of the Citadel
Salarian Councilor: We totally promise there aren't any unstable fusion reactors there. Honest.
So William, Morinth and a colonization team of every species went to Planet Carnex and Davies Corporation boomed into massive success by creating the Galactic Neutral Zone, where every species can trade and violence is met with damage repair charges that are multiplied by 1,000,000.
Pretty much the corporate quadrant from Star Wars? I swear, I get the feeling the author read the Cliffnotes of The Fountainhead and never, ever got over it.
While on Carnex, William and Morinth where about to meld when she couldn't hold it in any longer, she had to get it out:
Morinth: William, I have never been more in love with a man so I must tell you
William: Tell me what?
Morinth: I am an ardat yakshi so I can't meld without destroying your mind, the more I do it, the more I need to, I must... get over here!
William: Get away from me, I want to live!
Morinth: William, I have never been more in love with a man so I must tell you
William: Tell me what?
Morinth: I am an ardat yakshi so I can't meld without destroying your mind, the more I do it, the more I need to, I must... get over here!
William: Get away from me, I want to live!
(Laugh track, Seinfeld bass theme plays).
William runs to his car with Morinth in pursuit, he gets to his car but Morinth uses her biotics to stop him from getting away and tries to meld, she would have destroyed his mind if he hadn't had inherited a 1/4 of Harry's technological brain, he did slip into a coma, Morinth was devastated (because she thought he died) and had to leave and never came back.
And of course, William can survive the power of an Ardat-Yakshi. Because he's got that godly Davies gene.