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Post by herrwozzeck on Nov 30, 2011 3:17:43 GMT 1
It's telling that ff.net gives you 10,000 characters to write a review with and I had to make it a 2-parter because I ran out of space... I'm usually able to squeeze my criticism into it, mostly by not going over every single point. But hey. Actually, though, I can understand issue 66: there have been other SI's that do that kind of thing. I even read one where the author avatar took down the Armature with a knife, but it took way more effort than Kye used, and even if he managed to get it in the end the action itself still pissed Tali off. So yeah.
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Post by Mr. Glow on Nov 30, 2011 4:45:24 GMT 1
And let the butthurt ensue.
That was a good review, though. You weren't too rough or anything, but that guy needs to be told what he's doing wrong if he isn't planning leaving the life of a fanfiction writer.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Nov 30, 2011 5:04:05 GMT 1
What can I say? He wanted a review so he could improve so I obliged him. And the thing is, if you ignore my riffing and the overall poor quality of his story, you'll see that he does have some potential, but is in serious need of guidance. I wasn't shining him on with those two positives I had to counter the 72 negatives.
Would have been 73 if I decided to rip on his dialog, but that's like focusing on the flea in your hair when you've got a raging bear about to rip you in half.
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Post by Mr. Glow on Dec 1, 2011 6:38:59 GMT 1
It's definitely the most helpful review he's recieved for that piece of... fiction, though. (There's literally one a few down from yours that amounts to "Huh, I like purple too!")
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Post by herrwozzeck on Dec 4, 2011 21:15:04 GMT 1
All right, and here we are, continuing with my MST of A Twisted Angel. This will cover chapter four, so hang on to your hats, guys, this is gonna be crazy.
… No.
*does the disclaimer dance*
Lemme guess, the Stu hides details of his personal life? I’m not the least bit surprised, really: I imagine we’d all run for the hills if we got anything that was actually interesting.
Oh, shit. Don’t tell me…
Huh. I didn’t realize interior design had undergone no evolution at all over the course of one hundred and seventy-two years.
And now, for something completely different.
And he can manipulate memories of his past to show her stuff…despite the fact that the computer is frozen in time and probably won’t respond to any commands.
...
Did this lazy bum seriously just pull the laziest narrative stunt ever?
…
Seriously, that is such a display of sad laziness that it defies a humorous comeback. It really does.
Here’s the next question you should be asking yourself: can Gary Stu here survive the sun?
“I don’t care if you know more than I do about this stuff, you don’t address me like that, you little prick! Now get on the ground and give me fifty!”
Oh, yes, you’ll find that their entry on the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is quite full of praises for how they send people to other galaxies as a method of execution. Their “See Also” little blurbs include “Vogon poetry”, last I checked.
And then she laughed harder at the amount of plot holes that came on the side.
“Sorry, I don’t have time to show you the rest, we have an actual plot we need to get to.”
That’s what she said.
[please insert celesta music here]
Are you sure this is the SR-1 and not the SR-2, kid?
Ah, yes, Biotic water. I hear it rivals Tupari in sales of sports drinks these days.
Uh… Okay, so this guy is narrating his life out loud to other people, apparently. I’m pretty sure you didn’t need to tell Joker those details, dear.
Either everyone in this universe is a fan of the earlier seasons of South Park, or they’re just phenomenally stupid.
So you mean that now you can cure anything at all with some bullshit medical procedure, despite telling Dr. Chakwas earlier that you wouldn’t give your powers over to do what amounts to almost the exact same thing in the previous chapter?
Learn the definition of “consistency”, you selfish prick.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 9
“Oh, and by the way, I like hoarding my superpowers, so don’t tell Dr. Chakwas or anybody else that I’m doing this or I may be forced to kill you.”
That’s about as likely as the Fish Slapping Dance not being random.
“And remember: don’t tell Dr. Chakwas or I will kill you forever.”
So essentially, you’ll be giving yourself your voice back through a needlessly elaborate and complicated method that someone else has already likely patented by this point.
Thank you for completely negating anything remotely interesting you might’ve had about your character.
Firstly, that’s bale, you dumbass. Second, I don’t think it’s Bale’s idea anymore given the direction you’re going with it.
Thirdly: allow me to demonstrate what I wish to do to you for that mid-chapter author’s note:
I don’t think that even the engineers at your disposal can make a speech thingie with a biotic amp as a template. I really don’t.
Wait, so you developed the neural implant, and armor from another sci-fi franchise, all by yourself and without any help, and assumably without ever having used that holo projector before?
Plot Hole Count: 4
“Yeah, I’m going to make it out of my little light shows, because finding a more practical way to make the armor so I don’t stick out like the sorest thumb in the entire galaxy is for pussies!”
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 10
Seriously, I’m beginning to hate this kid…
Rule of Cool Abuse Count: 4
“And by that, I mean that I like it because I secretly want to wear it, so would you kindly give us some of that?”
Hm, I didn’t know people liked to perform Weapon X-style experiments on retired Alliance corporals. I also didn’t know they liked it so much, or that the Council gave most of those companies permits to do some of their research.
Considering that corrupted cops are more Harkin’s style than they are Anoleis’ style, I would be surprised if this was so.
Oh boy. I didn’t realize Shepard had a brother named Sheprad. I guess Conrad really is related to Shepard.
“Yes, but I can’t talk!”
Why is Shepard laughing at that? This is some prick of a kid scaring the hell out of one of her underlings when she’s telling him to respect his superior officers! He should be slapped for that!
THANK YOU!!!!
Heh. I knew I liked you for a reason, Ash.
“I’m going to be cryptic, because I hate you.”
Yeah, a spat between crew members is no big deal. It’s not like, you know, neglecting to mention it will only lead to their spats getting worse as time goes on and will thus destroy unit cohesion.
I’d classify it as Ridiculous Superpower number 11 if not for the fact that guns and katanas are both technically weapons.
1) I seem to recall you had a Wikipedia-format thing for stuff like this in the first chapter. Would that kindly make a return, please? 2) You did get it right the first time. Therefore, shut up.
This pep-talk has been brought to you by the This Scene Was Entirely Pointless Foundation.
“And we will do it while you are still learning how to SPELL YOUR NAME!”
I’d complain about the administrators being a bunch of greedy douchebags, but to your credit your characters haven’t even gotten to meet them yet, so I’ll let you off the hook for this one as well.
But I… what? How did you get from checking identities to relinquishing their guns? I’m sorry, could you reinstate all the cuts you threw in there, because you’re not making sense right now…
The security team then proceeded to either wet themselves or to laugh hysterically.
“It’s not like the fact that I nearly got my head chopped off by some lunatic with some really stupid-looking armor is a particularly scary ordeal that can take me months or even years to recover from or anything.”
At least someone recognizes how needlessly violent the Stu was just being.
No, I beg to differ. With the way you’ve been acting this whole time, I’m surprised you haven’t made more trouble than you say you have.
I didn’t know that Lorik had the ability to narrate the actions of others. Hm…
“I don’t know how you know this, but I’m going to trust you anyway because there’s no way you could stab me in the back later.”
Can’t you just fly over there? You’ve got like ten other superpowers by this point: nobody would blame you if you ditched the whole thing and made flight Ridiculous Superpower no. 11.
Well, if you’re trying to get rid of Anoleis, sure, be my guest.
“Don’t you know I always trust random children with all my errands?”
I thought the phrase was “so far up his ass he can’t see the light of day”?
This is not an excuse for Gary Stu to outshine freaking Commander Shepard in any way, shape, or form.
Oh, I dunno about that, dear. They do say that pride comes before the fall.
Oh yay, the architecture is bowing down to the Stu too. Yay us.
If it was supposed to be sealed, dear, I think you missed a huge spot.
Fun? Intimidating people by doing something that by all accounts should cause them to start laughing is fun?
Don’t make me whip out Little Bill, dear. You won’t like it when he schools you in how shit really is.
Hey! Hey A! Hey A, hey!
Motorboat!
I know you can do it in the game, but just because you can do it there doesn’t excuse you from theft when you do it in real life.
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Post by Cali on Dec 4, 2011 21:35:59 GMT 1
Ugh, dear God. I really shouldn't read this thread when I'm planning on continuing Cyan Steel later today. Not only is it emotionally and intellectually draining but you can almost feel the stupidity of the fics rub off on you.
Not even a MST can save A Twisted Angel, even if Woody Allen and Mike Nelson got together and wrote the riff segments. It's that bad.
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Post by herrwozzeck on Dec 4, 2011 22:35:01 GMT 1
Not even a MST can save A Twisted Angel, even if Woody Allen and Mike Nelson got together and wrote the riff segments. It's that bad. For this chapter, I actually found myself very short of a few jokes, but the general stupidity of it was kind of second nature by this point. I'd also MST his other fic ( A Child's Destiny) since it's somehow even worse than this. But then, I wouldn't be able to review it objectively because stuff happens in the prologue that instantly manages to piss me off. So I went with this one...
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 4, 2011 22:39:36 GMT 1
Not even a MST can save A Twisted Angel, even if Woody Allen and Mike Nelson got together and wrote the riff segments. It's that bad. For this chapter, I actually found myself very short of a few jokes, but the general stupidity of it was kind of second nature by this point. I'd also MST his other fic ( A Child's Destiny) since it's somehow even worse than this. But then, I wouldn't be able to review it objectively because stuff happens in the prologue that instantly manages to piss me off. So I went with this one... I've been finding myself short of clever humor as well. You can see a marked difference between me MSTing the first couple chapters of Mass Effected compared to the latest installments.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 4, 2011 22:50:54 GMT 1
Oh, BTW... RockJumper is a brony and has a My Little Pony fic. I'm not touching it with a 39 1/2 foot pole.
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Post by Mr. Glow on Dec 4, 2011 23:56:28 GMT 1
Oh, BTW... RockJumper is a brony and has a My Little Pony fic. I'm not touching it with a 39 1/2 foot pole. To paraphrase Macbeth, "the MSTer doth protest too much, methinks"
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 5, 2011 0:17:30 GMT 1
Oh, BTW... RockJumper is a brony and has a My Little Pony fic. I'm not touching it with a 39 1/2 foot pole. To paraphrase Macbeth, "the MSTer doth protest too much, methinks" For me to do a proper MST of something , I need to be versed in the actual lore of the universe it deals with. Since I'm not a brony, I wouldn't be able to a credible MST of it.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 5, 2011 3:33:35 GMT 1
Since I'm waiting for Mass Effected to be updated, I decided to go trolling for a new target and found one inside 3 minutes. I blame my slow connection for about 70% of that time figure. Again, this is a Mass Effect self-insert. Herrwozzeck, I extend the invitation for you to MST this story as well since the author cites you and Mass Vexations as his inspiration. I present to you, "A sense of feeling". (Haven't even declared Story Sign and I've already got something to hit... this should be fun.) www.fanfiction.net/s/7609063/1/A_sense_of_feelingSTORY SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!! That, despite your lack of experience your story will prove to be such a groundbreaking landmark to the world of literature that your story will be the fanfiction equivilant to Frank Herbert or Issac Asimov's work? My MST sense is tingling... Misspelling someone's name when you quote them as inspiration isn't a good thing. Also, that is a long-ass run-on sentance. Third, not knowing how you're going to change canon before putting pen to paper is a sure-fire way to end up in the shittiness hall of fame. This feels eerily familiar... So you're trying to say it's for mature audiences? Not buying it. Sorry. Giving Bioware a literary BJ won't make them give you a Tali love-pillow. Why do I feel a crossover coming on? Nothing original, it seems. If he sings that fucking song... I didn't know the letter 'a' was a galaxy all it's own. And choosing colors because they're "stealthy and badass" is plain stupid. What's wrong with simply liking a color just because you like it? Why am I not surprised that you have no friends? Translated: You're the desginated meatshield for your buddies playing Black Ops. Being from Michigan, I call bullshit. The weather is VASTLY unpredictable. It'll go from sunshine and 70 degress to friggin blizzard conditions in less than 5 minutes. Dude, we don't need you to detail your hot date with your right hand... Matrix reference AWAY!!!! It's a cleverly disguised inmate shower room from the Puragtory. What's this? He managed to create an institution that actually seems like it would exist in the ME Universe? That's just... *grabs my chest over my heart* It's the big one, Elizabeth!! I'm coming to join you!! It seems my crossover sense was correct yet again. Wait. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but this might be less shitty than I initially expected. That was a reasonable reaction. So much for my previous assertion. One Gary Stu coming up. Making a token attempt to play lip service to not being a Gary Stu won't stop me from crushing you with my cartoonishly large Gary Stu stamp. Where do you want it? "Machine affinity"? *looks at the summary from the main page, sees Tali'Zora's name. *sighs and brings out my Talimancer Special stamp* <voice=Mordin> Author gives himself an ablity but doesn't know what it is himself. Qualitiy of this story is quickly decreasing.</voice> Yup. Keep it up with the Stu-bulding. So he's now legal to get laid, has a badass mercenary career, but isn't old enough to drink. Hell, if my math is correct, he's been training to be a merc since he was 12. FAIL. Cue in black helicopters. Governments may hire PMCs to do jobs they they may not be able to do, but I doubt they'd hire a 19 year old kid with no experience when there are more viable options. Nice deus ex machina. Too bad he doesn't actually explain how he'd gain the knowledge. Just connecting synapses isn't going to cut it. And here's your stamp *smashes his face with my Gary Stu stamp*
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Post by herrwozzeck on Dec 5, 2011 5:01:00 GMT 1
Since I'm waiting for Mass Effected to be updated, I decided to go trolling for a new target and found one inside 3 minutes. I blame my slow connection for about 70% of that time figure. I've found worse badfics in half that time. I once found a really, really bad fanfic in less than a minute. I can't link it to you because it doesn't exist on the internet anymore, but i made some nice copy-pasta of it before it happened. If you're waiting for Mass Effected to be updated, it makes for perfect MST material. Granted, he's not the first person to misspell my name, and I honestly don't hold it against a lot of people as it's not the easiest name in the world to memorize, so... yeah. But honestly? I'm surprised that this guy is taking inspiration from Mass Vexations, because from what I see, it's not really in the spirit of MV at all. What I really don't get is all the knowledge-injection bullshit that the guy gets early on, and how it's all clumsily exposited on so early in the fic. You'd think that it would make for a much more interesting story if he found this all out as he went along, with the first couple chapters being spent on "WTF is going on here?". I've got some crazier plot elements in Mass Vexations, but the craziest plot elements don't really show their face until at least MV2, so you've had build-up to get to that point. Also, this first chapter is basically a much stupider version of inf3cti0nz' first couple of chapters of his SI. The less I say about how I feel about someone else dumbing down some interesting plot from the best Mass Effect SI out there right now, the better, so I'll spare you the rant. In other words... I might take the invitation to MST it. Or worse... Oh, shit, the author PMed me on FF.net. And he's asking me for feedback! Quick, should I be honest, or should I sugar-coat how I feel?
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Dec 5, 2011 5:20:32 GMT 1
Since I'm waiting for Mass Effected to be updated, I decided to go trolling for a new target and found one inside 3 minutes. I blame my slow connection for about 70% of that time figure. I've found worse badfics in half that time. I once found a really, really bad fanfic in less than a minute. I can't link it to you because it doesn't exist on the internet anymore, but i made some nice copy-pasta of it before it happened. If you're waiting for Mass Effected to be updated, it makes for perfect MST material. Granted, he's not the first person to misspell my name, and I honestly don't hold it against a lot of people as it's not the easiest name in the world to memorize, so... yeah. But honestly? I'm surprised that this guy is taking inspiration from Mass Vexations, because from what I see, it's not really in the spirit of MV at all. What I really don't get is all the knowledge-injection bullshit that the guy gets early on, and how it's all clumsily exposited on so early in the fic. You'd think that it would make for a much more interesting story if he found this all out as he went along, with the first couple chapters being spent on "WTF is going on here?". I've got some crazier plot elements in Mass Vexations, but the craziest plot elements don't really show their face until at least MV2, so you've had build-up to get to that point. Yeah. His Matrix-esque injection of data was jarring. I haven't really made mention of it aside from the very beginning, but in Halo of Flies, Ian's done a lot of reading and research about the universe to counter his lack of knowledge. I'll say he's been doing it behind the scenes since few people want to read about someone doing research. I've started reading MV1 and I agree. Very good so far. Depends on how big of a troll you want to be. My recommendation would be to tell him what you think but not be a complete dick about it. Then if he decides to start a flame war, you can link him to this thread or something.
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Post by Mr. Glow on Dec 5, 2011 7:15:46 GMT 1
Oh, shit, the author PMed me on FF.net. And he's asking me for feedback! Quick, should I be honest, or should I sugar-coat how I feel? Crush him, that's my verdict!
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