Indeed.
In other news, I thought I'd try my hand at MSTing a particularly god-awful fanfic that I honestly think is worse than Mass Effected for a variety of reasons, the least of which involving that the spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all really bad. (Well, that, and he expects us to excuse him for it too.)
So anyway. Here, have a nice MST of Mass Effect: A Twisted Angel. Link is here:
www.fanfiction.net/s/7488791/1/Mass_Effect_A_Twisted_AngelI fully encourage you guys to blast his story, because he's also just plain unsportsmanly in addition to being a bad author.
So anyway, yes, I'm doing the first three chapters here. Because these chapters are a little short for me to do one post per chapter, so... here we are.
Start MST! *presses button*
----**----
Oh, hey, the guy’s admitting his grammar and spelling is bad! I think we can all go home now! *walks out*
…
What do you mean I have to sit through this?
…
Damn it.
Why do I get the feeling that “tiny bit” is a lie?
Yeah, Heidi Klum talked to me a little after your stint on the runway. She told me she never wants to see you anywhere
near a fashion show again.
Wait, hold on… You’re a British guy in the 21st Century, and you’re wearing a red kimono?
No wonder Heidi Klum doesn’t want you near the runway! Your fashion sense is so outdated the kids from
Saved By The Bell are hip and current in comparison!
Oh, and I’ll bet your kimono doesn’t run anywhere
near as long as your run-on sentence.
Maybe you can call the tech support guys at Toshiba and ask them to take a look at your computer. You know, because half-hour long installations just don’t happen these days.
Whoah, there’s a TV guild? That’s actually pretty awesome. Now, my next question is this: how in God’s name were you able to pick up an entire club that would likely have membership the size of Rhode Island’s population with just your hands?
Oh, no… Please don’t tell me this is leading up to what I think it is…
Ah, crap, it’s a magic PlayStation story.
We are off to such a
wonderful start.
Oh, hey, I’m in a video game location. I’m, like, so far away from home. No biggie, really. It’s not like I have family and friends and a life and a sense of security I should probably be freaking out about.
Jesus, Greg, that’s the fifth time this week that you’ve done that! The core is
inside, not
outside!
*grumble* Damn it, now that’s an
extra forty dollars docked from my pay for repairing a hole in the wall…
Chosen one? Crap.
I didn’t realize beings of pure light were so easy to trust a college-aged computer nerd with a patience problem and an outdated fashion sense to be a chosen one at all.
Yeah, come on out before I sell your little ottsels. I hear the mafia pays good money for them..
Wait, hold on a sec. Jak and Daxter takes place in an entirely separate universe from Mass Effect. I would think, anyway, given what I’ve seen of Jak and Daxter and what I’ve played of Mass Effect. So theoretically, the two continua wouldn’t converge at all.
So the Jak and Daxter guys kidnapped some random college student with a magic Playstation, gave him mystical powers, and kicked him over to another universe to save their day? Wouldn’t he be more useful, you know, saving your
own hides, you damn stupid rodents?
Plot Hole Count: 1Yeah, tell me the catch! It’s not like I have to actually seriously consider a life-changing decision while weighing the fact that I’ll never see my friends and family again!
Your right to reproduce, dear. Anyone who’s only “a bit concerned” by this point
clearly shouldn’t be allowed to procreate.
Wait, hang on…
[goes to the Jak and Daxter Wiki]
Jak didn’t really need to sacrifice anything to be given any powers. So why do you? And why your voice, specifically?
Plot Hole Count: 2…
…
Well, I didn’t think it was possible to get a full stomach on a spoken sentence until now. Huh. You learn something new every day.
I guess I better get to binge eating the stuff I’m saying here, then. I’m gonna need to if I want to stomach how easily Gary Stu here is accepting all this, and especially the upcoming loss of his voice.
No, no, dear. Any magician worth their salt knows that the operative word is “sing”. Here, let Ursula show you how it’s done:
Here, I believe the punctuation you’re looking for is in my hand.
Oh, it looks like he’s dead now! Yay, we can all go home!
Damn it.
Sorry, the tutorial ends here, we’ve gotta make room for the next “Chosen One” to give powers to. Cheerio!
And then the portal led to outside the top floor of the Empire State Building, where Gary Stu proceeded to fall eighty-six stories to his death. The end! Yay, now let’s all go--
Good Lord in heaven. This thing is still…
Wait, how long is this, anyway?
*checks the word count*
…
Seven hundred and forty four words? And we’ve gone through the guy’s daily life, him getting his powers, and getting whisked straight to Chora’s Den? In
seven hundred and forty four wordsJesus, this makes “breakneck” look like a damn
tortoise in comparison!
Wait, so your dark form makes you invisible? Well, gee, why not tell us that before? It’s not like there are possible readers of your story who, surprise surprise, might not know what
Jak and Daxter is!
Actually… since we’re here and we start seeing the superpowers…
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 1This moment of not reflecting on my previous life is brought to you by Cold, Unfeeling Jackasses From The Planet Sociopathia, Inc.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 2I of course had no time for such
silly things as freaking out about the fact that I had just ended several lives without any form of rhyme or reason. I mean, the dead bouncer over there? Totally didn’t have a mother I could speculate about.
Wait… So hold on. This kid shows up from nowhere wearing a kimono, and then creating katanas out of light. Are we sure this kid is actually from 21st Century England anymore?
Also…
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 3Hey, don’t dismiss your articles! What’ll you do when they shut you out and you can’t be definite about anything anymore?
Actually… Go right ahead. That would make our lives so much easier.
Hm… Now this is an interesting phenomenon… apparently, these two warehouse workers found something so utterly and irreparably ridiculous that they passed out
before they could start laughing. This warrants further scientific study…
Man, you wouldn’t
believe how long the carpal tunnel is. I almost didn’t think I could find the fist’s office before the day ended.
Even allowing that katanas made of light probably can cut through steel, the layout of the room makes this absolutely impossible to do, since the turrets are facing the area where he would have to come in.
Therefore, this leaves only one possible solution to explain how he can cut the turrets in half without getting shot: this Stu now has super speed.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 4But hey, what do I know? It’s not like watching guns get cut in half by old Japanese swords that aren’t even commonly used anymore isn’t awesome, right? Right?
Rule of Cool Abuse Count: 1I thought you required at least 100 meters to run a hurdle race.
Because, of course, every self-respecting bar has non-alcoholic drinks on display just in case the odd underage drinker shows up. I wonder if they also have punctuation for the run-on sentence there.
You’re welcome. Now here, have a punch to the face for the stupidity I’ve had to endure in just the first chapter.
Oh, God.
This author is asking us to excuse bad spelling and grammar, and he has
two fanfics!
Be very afraid, people. Be
very afraid.
Oh, I was wondering what those things were. Care to enlighten us on why you had to put those notes down?
Wait, so you wore a kimono and wielded katanas in the future because you like Japanese culture?
…
Sorry, dear, the anime convention is
that way.
Rule of Cool Abuse Count: 2 This piece of pointless information was brought to you by Idiots With Low Self Esteem, Inc.
----**----
No.
Blah blah disclaimer blah blah blah.
Hey, you gotta give the guy credit, he’s not going into the insane Tali-mancer mode of saying that Tali is his and only his.
No-mad? Don’t you mean “don’t worry, be happy”?
Hm… Well, I’m gonna let you off the hook just this once. It’s always helpful to know what Shepard looks like, since they can be different everywhere. And hey, we won’t have to wait for several paragraphs to find out, which is also a plus.
Even accepting the fact that you can’t speak anymore, that action just kind of came out of nowhere.
Also, wouldn’t you… I dunno…
try to speak? You know, because you’re not used to not having your voice yet?
“Sorry, Gary Stu, I just realized I have more important things to worry about than asking you how you incapacitated the guy I’m trying to interrogate.”
And meanwhile, the Gary Stu stands there, waiting for the conversation to turn back to him.
Ah, yes, “Body”, that infamous rival of the Shadow Broker. I hear he’s the most elusive man in the entire galaxy, which is a pretty big feat.
Uh… I’m sure Fist isn’t that confident when he’s staring down the barrel of a krogan’s shotgun.
Ooh, Renegade Shepard. I like the way them apples are turning out!
Actually… if you hurry up, you might still get there. I mean… what about the four minute time limit that’s ticking away right now?
And now he can freeze time.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 5But she shoved Fist against a wall. So why would she be close to the door? For that matter, how did the Stu manage to cut Fist’s head off without in turn cutting off Shepard’s?
Hm…
Egregious and Stupid Plot Convenience Count: 1Egregious Plot Inconsistency Count: 1Well, the Citadel’s architects sure did have a
lot of foresight if they installed a bathroom that connected directly to a random alleyway. Especially considering that said architects are killing off all organic life every 50,000 years.
Jesus, Tali, the bodies haven’t even finished falling to the floor yet! I knew quarians were quick thinkers, but
damn!
Wait, so… you just killed a bunch of mooks without needing the use of a shield?
Oh, wait, I forgot, you’re a Gary Stu. Nevermind.
Uh… being mute isn’t a very common occurrence, on the Fleet or elsewhere. So how did she figure that out? And why is she being so hostile? That’s kind of like… I dunno. Out of character?
Out of Character Meter: Low“I’m sorry, I was too busy trying to be not overshadowed while you were showcasing the rest of your ridiculous superpowers.”
Sorry about the shotgun, by the way. I’m twitchier than usual today for some reason.
Working cell phone + summoning katanas from thin air + not being able to speak = ...
…
Actually, I’m not sure what to think about that. Lemme get back to you when I do figure it out.
*smiles*
Thank you, Garrus. For a second there, I thought the Stu was going to hijack the main plot. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen someone do that…
*cue shuffling of feet*
I guess he also exchanged his maturity for his superpowers. Sorry, Alex, only Will Ferrel has the rights to act like a man-child around these parts.
Which probably wasn’t that long once Shepard realized that you were being an immature twit.
He got in through the base, which are belong to him.
Oh hey, Udina doesn’t care about Gary Stus! Could it be…?
Yay, we finally have a redeeming quality to Udina!
Aw, I knew that would happen…
Wait.
Did this guy just ditch a meeting with one of the galaxy’s most powerful people?
Oh, Good lord. Not only is he an immature prat, but he’s also shirking his responsibilities, to do… to do…
What’s he doing, anyway?
…
I got nothin’. Really, if you’re still planning on letting him stay on the crew after that stunt… either you’re really freaking stupid, or you’re not actually Commander Shepard.
“Oh, by the way, just remember that you’ll have to pay taxes on that, m’kay?”
I dunno, abuse the Rule of Cool again?
What kind of C-Sec requisitions officer
stocks stuff like that, anyway? I thought ancient krogan weaponry/armor/whatever was Tonn Actus’ specialty.
Either this is the worst C-Sec requisitions officer in the history of C-Sec requisitions officers, or the officer is aware that this douche is a Gary Stu and is therefore secretly plotting a way to kill him.
And then he toppled over from the insane weight of it. Unless, of course, he has super strength, which is probably the only explanation we’ve got for having a guy who can carry a freaking krogan weapon on his back.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 6You still haven’t attempted to flex your vocal chords, bitch. I know I’d still be speaking without any sound coming out by this point.
He then promptly got shouted at by Shepard for being a very immature prat.
Yay! Someone realized that this is a Gary Stu and tried to kill him! Yay!
I was decide to do stuff.
Wait a second. Weren’t you able to form a blade out of this light eco stuff earlier? Why are you only now getting your light eco form?
Egregious Plot Inconsistency Count: 2Plot Hole Count: 3Wait a minute…
So someone shot Gary Stu here without any prompting to do so. And then he got to show off his insane healing powers. So essentially, he got himself shot to prove that. So where’s the sniper in all this? Why did he shoot the Stu?
…
Egregious and Stupid Plot Convenience Count: 2And since we’re talking about showing off superpowers here…
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 7That is, if you’re not dissected first.
Right, on to the author’s note.
What about you focus on reworking
the entire plot? We’re barely even two chapters in, and
already we have a ton of stupid shit to work with.
A poll that any sane person without a bile fascination wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
----**----
…
*glowers*
No.
Wait, so these past two chapters you didn’t even own
yourself?
Wow. You know things are bad when even
the Stu’s own author waits to claim ownership on him.
Right, on to the story.
Dude, you just used a healing factor superpower. Any
sane person wouldn’t be able to take their eyes off of you after that.
Did you just change topics mid-sentence? And why do you think Shepard, especially a Renegade Shepard, would let an immature prat like you who ditches important meetings onto her ship?
Tell them what, exactly? Last I checked, “I traded my voice for these powers” doesn’t automatically tell her “oh, and they were given to me by a bunch of sentient mice who were probably also busy trying to find the answer to life, the universe, and everything”. Or whatever the fuck ottsels are in the Jak and Daxter universe.
By this point, I really don’t give a crap.
Huh. I didn’t know the Blue Suns used nuclear fission. I thought that it would’ve been archaic by this point for humanity?
Thank you, Udina. I never thought I’d say this, but I wanna give you a high five right now.
Actually… for that matter, why hasn’t the sniper tried to kill our Stu again…?
…
You’re not gonna explain that either, are you?
Good
God. How much more immature can Gary Stu here get? He was just trying to steer the topic back to the important part (you know, Saren being stripped of his Spectre status and Shepard becoming the first human Spectre), which I’m sure he would want!
I don’t like Udina at all, but he deserves
much better than to be the butt of an immature little shit’s practical joke.
…
You know what?
Udina/Council Bashing Count: 1… Actually, since we already have the mimicking thing up there, this technically counts as the second count, so…
Udina/Council Bashing Count: 2*groan* Why are we letting this prick near Commander Shepard?
Honestly? I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to stick around you if I knew you were going to humiliate me again either.
Maybe because you did the time-stopping thing once already?
Oh, God, they actually found that line funny. God help us all.
Oh, hey, Wrex actually has some common sense here! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!”
…
You’re fucking kidding me.
That was why you had that there? That was how you were going to gain Wrex’s trust without having to work for it? I mean… what kind of… where… and how… why… who… when…
What the fuckEgregious and Stupid Plot Convenience Count: 3What…? But… But you’re using both your hands! How are you managing to hold a weapon with both hands while simultaneously typing on your omni-tool? I don’t even think there’s a
superpower for that!
Because, as everyone of good standing knows, having an ancient weapon is able to get people on your side better than such ridiculous things as being a smart leader who is fair and just and has some good ideas.
I didn’t think her hand could gain sentience and commit the capital crime of treason against Shepard’s person, but there you have it.
Congratulations, Citadel and Alliance: it’s a girl!
That’s assuming that it was a mature joke in the first place.
Isn’t this the same guy who said that Udina at least has his uses?
Wasn’t Shepard’s big issue with it that it was basically betraying Anderson?
Sorry, Joker has an objection there. The Normandy is
his baby, after all.
…
Is that even English?
*cue the shuffling feet*
Oh, boy. The immature prat meets the guy who has the actual humor. How does Joker know what Jak and Daxter is, anyhow?
And here I thought Joker knew better than to say stuff like that to his superior officers.
Oh wait. He does.
Cue the speech!
Yeah, she seems like a Renegade Shepard to me. Why’s she laughing at Gary Stu’s immaturity again?
…
Hold on, lemme check that…
images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20080702185340/masseffect/images/thumb/4/44/Mass_Effect.jpg/640px-Mass_Effect.jpgHuh. He got a minor detail right. Well, that’s refreshing.
Though it would be nice if we did, but hey, he at least acknowledges that they don’t have all day to stop Saren from travelling to the Conduit.
Translation: Don’t be an immature prick to my crew, you dumb shit.
“But please understand that if you do scare him on autopilot, I will personally kill you with a chamber in which the walls will crush you.”
Oh. I didn’t realize that ‘meditate’ is a word commonly used at funerals.
I’ll keep that in mind for when I visit your funeral.
Ah, it’s possessed! Quick, call an exorcist!
Udina/Council Bashing Count: 3Because
every military doctor is most concerned about instigating scientific progress.
Translation: Sorry, bitch, but I’m the only one allowed to have these. Gary Stus are the only ones who can handle such power.
Except that Jak had gotten the same powers you did. Therefore, you’re not the “last and only” Eco Warrior.
Egregious Plot Inconsistency Count: 1There’s an observation room in the cargo hold?
Huh. I didn’t think the Stu liked having his view of the stars obstructed by a wing.
Wait, so just by meditating you improve your abilities?
If these superpowers are modified whenever the plot says they should be, I am
not sure I wanna play Jak and Daxter anymore.
I wouldn’t call it an argument. “Argument” assumes that Dr. Chakwas actually had a chance at rebuttal.
I thought “with great power comes great responsibility” was supposed to be one of those things that people learned the hard way.
Don’t pay attention to the fact that I have both Ecos running in my person at the moment. Gary Stus have a unique affinity to having logic-proof bodies.
Madhouse! Madhouse! Madhouse! Madhouse!
I was always under the impression that you had
always been annoying.
Oh, great, and now he can Embrace Eternity, too.
Ridiculous Superpower Count: 8Yeah, you better be thankful I slogged through all that shit, you son of a bitch.
...
You’re… You’re going to try saving Benezia?
Oh, good Lord. Be afraid, people. Be
very afraid.