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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 26, 2011 13:44:57 GMT 1
A interesting story you got there dude. I think this is the first timetravel story I read concerning Mass effect. I do like how Ian seems to be a very smart man, good with a gun and very open minded...but arrogant as all hell. Hell, he would make a good Han Solo if he would go rogue. The only problem I have really is that how easy he seems to be accepting all of this. After all his family and friends are all long dead, he has to survive in a new world where his knowledge is severely lacking. How will he be able to use a omni-tool, he can he catch up on 100 years of human history and alien history? Actually his story reminds me of someone else... I'm going to follow this story though since i find it an interesting premise, play on my good sir. Edit: Also, Answer 42? Well played there....
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on May 27, 2011 1:37:06 GMT 1
Thanks. Ian is a cocky one, no doubt. He's a bit like Miranda in that he talks a lot of shit, but backs it up. He does have his vulnerablities, though and they'll show up later on. As for him being so accepting of what happened, he's compartmentalizing it for now. He'll break down later on when he's had a chance to get settled.
I do appreciate the review and look forward to sharing more of my story with everyone.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on May 27, 2011 1:42:26 GMT 1
And if anyone knows a decent name generator or a good method of coming up with names for the various species of ME, I'd appreciate the advice.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on May 30, 2011 21:18:35 GMT 1
Jeez that last chapter had some sappy moments. Any thoughts on how I can improve them or if they seem OOC for Lare and Ian?
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Post by Warhammer Gorvar on May 31, 2011 8:39:48 GMT 1
Well i think the past chapters are alright, i did like the sex scene and our favorite reporter being verbally slapped in the face. The only thing i may have a grudge with is how easy he slipped from bouncer/muscian to mercenary ass kicker. But hey, we all dreamed being a galactic ass kicker with a hot alien girlfriend once, so i approve
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Jun 2, 2011 7:50:26 GMT 1
I can see your point about the quick transition into being a merc, but Ian was Marine infantry for five years and then was a bounty hunter for another five after that. I'll write some flashback/memory segments to help explain his previous experiences.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Aug 15, 2011 0:33:19 GMT 1
Alright seven chapters so far. I wound up doing some minor editing after a friend of mine read my story and gave me a critique and some advice. I pretty much added some details and tweaked some of the language I used. Thoughts?
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Sept 2, 2011 1:47:40 GMT 1
Eighth chapter is up. Any thoughts/critiques?
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aldrinshepard
Serviceman 3rd Class
I won't let fear compromise who I am.
Posts: 10
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Post by aldrinshepard on Sept 4, 2011 22:24:45 GMT 1
Interesting story.
Though why do I get the impression that Ian is going to end up having a nasty encounter with Commander Shepard at some point? As a merc he would have to watch out as mercs who cross swords with Shepard have a tendancy to end up very dead, very quickly.
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Post by idiocywizard on Sept 5, 2011 3:30:19 GMT 1
I'm liking the story as well, but I also felt that he seemed to cope with the situation very quickly, if not too quickly. I would like to see more moments where he contemplates this reality, and possibly breaks down, but I'm glad to hear that you will be having a moment like this. All in all, it's a very interesting concept, and I will be following it as it goes on.
EDIT: Wooooooo brought up another point that kind of bothered me. It did seem a little too easy for him to win the crowd over with this weird new music, on an instrument that no one has seen for a couple hundred years (although I wouldn't deny their being perhaps a modified version of the electric guitar, so they might be able to guess what it's supposed to be.) I'm not really complaining, but that was just another nit-picky thing I had. Still, very interesting and a good read.
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Post by Cali on Sept 5, 2011 3:51:18 GMT 1
I'm definitely liking the story so far. Putting somebody from the early 21st century into the Mass Effect universe hasn't been done so well.
I do have some nitpicks though. Considering how Ian was able to take down a Krogan in hand to hand combat so effectively, and how well the audience reacted to Ian introducing them to the metal genre. If it was a club full of weird space hipsters then I could definitely see it, but they all seemed to like it a bit too much.
Will read more when I get the chance.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Sept 5, 2011 4:02:29 GMT 1
I'm definitely liking the story so far. Putting somebody from the early 21st century into the Mass Effect universe hasn't been done so well. I do have some nitpicks though. Considering how Ian was able to take down a Krogan in hand to hand combat so effectively, and how well the audience reacted to Ian introducing them to the metal genre. If it was a club full of weird space hipsters then I could definitely see it, but they all seemed to like it a bit too much. Will read more when I get the chance. Yeah. I might end up re-doing those sections. xD
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Sept 5, 2011 17:43:37 GMT 1
Interesting story. Though why do I get the impression that Ian is going to end up having a nasty encounter with Commander Shepard at some point? As a merc he would have to watch out as mercs who cross swords with Shepard have a tendancy to end up very dead, very quickly. I'm actually trying to limit Ian's interactions with Shepard's crew. There are so many fics that are centered around Shepard it's beyond rediculous. Right now I'm just going to do brief cameos like the scene where Ian hands Garrus that datapad.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Sept 5, 2011 17:55:40 GMT 1
Ok. I'm re-doing Ian's first set. Hopefully it'll be more realistic. Maybe later on, the crowds can get into the music.
As for the krogan... I'm going to leave that as is and say that Ian got VERY lucky. After all, Wrex is realitively easy to kill if you decide not to persuade him on Virmire. Considering Ian used the momentum of the krogan's charge to throw him headlong into a solid wall and put everything he had into that last kick, I think it's possible that even a krogan would be stunned after that much damage.
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Post by CAPT Issac R. Madden on Sept 5, 2011 19:07:59 GMT 1
Alright. Chapter 3 has been editied for the concert sqeuence.
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