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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 2:41:24 GMT 1
Chapter 16 – Reaper Madness
EXT: VIRMIRE GETH BASE APROACH: DAY:
(The remaining Shadow team – JANE, JOHN, ASHLEY, KAIDEN, WREX, GARRUS and LIARA – has reached the outskirts of Saren’s base. JANE, leading the way, has deliberately taken them the long route in order to sabotage the geth’s reinforcements and help the other three teams, despite fierce opposition from the others.)
KIRRAHE (via radio): Something has disrupted the geth communications. And the air threat has not materialized. We may be getting some help from Shadow!
JANE: Maybe you should radio them and confirm.
JOHN: No… that’s just what they’ll be expecting us to do. I’ll stay quiet and let them wonder.
JANE: Uhm… okay. The important thing is their health.
(They reach the back door of the base. ASHLEY, of all people, starts fiddling with the security computers.)
ASHLEY: We’ve got access to base security. Should be able to cut the alarms from here. Might even be able to trigger alarms on the far side of the base – it’ll clear the guards for us but it might be too much for Tali to handle.
JOHN: A plan with no drawbacks. Do it.
JANE: Look! A three-headed monkey!
(Everyone looks to one side. In a flash, JANE disables all the alarms on the computer.)
JOHN: I don’t see anything.
(ASHLEY returns to the computer.)
ASHLEY: Huh. Looks like the alarms are already disabled. I can’t reactivate them to draw the guards to Tali.
JANE: Darn. I guess we can handle the guards on the inside, seeing as there’s so many of us and we always handle guards with no trouble.
JOHN: I guess. I’ll have to kill Tali myself at this rate! Okay, let’s go.
INT: SECURITY OFFICE: DAY:
(Shadow team has blasted through several rooms full of guards, and a few crazed salarian commandos, captured then indoctrinated in the same manner as BENEZIA. They make their way to a small office, where an asari scientist, RANA THANOPTIS, hides behind a table. No-one notices her, so she stands up.)
RANA: Don’t shoot!
JANE: We weren’t going to. We didn’t see you.
RANA: Please, I just want to get out of here before it’s too late! Saren has us here against our will, studying Sovereign’s effect on organic minds. I can help you. This elevator behind me goes to Saren’s private lab! I can get you in!
(RANA presses the button on the elevator to summon it.)
RANA: See?
JANE: You are some kind of scientist, ma’am. There’s no way we could have summoned an elevator all by ourselves. How can we ever repay you?
RANA: You can… not kill me? Please?
JOHN: We have a nuclear device about to detonate here. If you want to make it out alive, you’d better start running.
RANA:… Fast enough to escape a nuclear blast?
JANE: Blame Captain Kirrahe. He’s the idiot who set this plan up.
RANA: I’ve got to find a lead-lined fridge! Aaaaagh!
(She runs off.)
ASHLEY: I enjoyed that.
JANE: You enjoyed condemning an innocent prisoner to death by nuclear explosion? You have no soul, Williams.
INT: COMMUNICATIONS TOWER: DAY:
(RANA’S lift leads to a small room with a recovered Prothean beacon inside it. It glows greenly as the team gingerly approaches.)
KAIDEN: Look, Commander! Another beacon!
JOHN: Check it out, Jane.
JANE: I’m not sure… the last one knocked me out cold.
LIARA: The beacons are not meant for human minds to read. The last one the Commander encountered could have killed her. So could this.
JOHN: Don’t be such a baby!
(JOHN pushes JANE into the beacon. She is raised into the air and grimaces with pain as the usual orangey images flash through her mind. After a moment she opens her eyes and her expression calms. She drops down eventually, exhausted but conscious. She stands.)
JOHN: Looks like you’ve been tangoed. What did you see?
JANE: Same old, same old.
(They climb up to the door they came from, but a big, red image, like a VI, starts to appear. JOHN gets out his gun.)
JOHN: Not Clippit… not again! I’ll kill h…
GARRUS: I don’t think that’s Clippit. This is something worse…
JANE: Worse than Clippit? Surely not!
(The image finishes loading. It is SOVEREIGN, SAREN’S enormous psychic shrimp-esque spaceship. It speaks with an extremely deep, slow voice that reverberates around the room.)
SOVEREIGN: You are not Saren.
JANE: It’s… it’s Unicron!
GARRUS: Shit! What are we gonna do now?
SOVEREIGN: I am not Unicron. People make that mistake all the time. Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance. Incapable of understanding. Thinking I’m Unicron. It does my head in.
JANE: Sorry, it’s just that you sound a lot like Unicron.
SOVERIEGN: There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own that you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign.
JANE: You have a high opinion of yourself, don’t you? I think you’re within my comprehension all right. You’re a very large, very old, synthetic lifeform of great intelligence, working part-time as a spaceship. Is that about right?
SOVEREIGN: Uh… yes. Okay, so I am within your comprehension. But I’m still bigger, older and cleverer than you’re probably guessing. You uppity organics, I don’t know… Here I am, brain the size of a planet…
WREX: You couldn’t have existed at the same time as the Protheans. It’s impossible.
SOVEREIGN: No it isn’t.
JANE: No, it isn’t. He’s just a very old, self-sustaining robot. Nothing impossible about that.
SOVEREIGN: We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything. The cycle cannot be broken.
ASHLEY: Cycle? What cycle?
JANE: Don’t you pay any attention in the meetings? Liara explained this after we picked her up. Keep up!
SOVEREIGN: The pattern has been repeated more times than you can fathom.
JANE: How many times?
SOVEREIGN: About fifty.
JANE: I can just about fathom that, thank you.
SOVEREIGN: All right, smartarse, then try this on for size. The Protheans were not the first.
JANE: You already said that.
SOVEREIGN (ignoring her): They did not build the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them. The legacy of my kind.
JANE: All right, that is genuinely a surprise.
SOVEREIGN: Finally! Perhaps now I can get on with my evil monologue without being interrupted? Ahem. Your civilization is based on the mass relays – our technology. By using it, you develop along the pathways we desire. We impose order. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it.
ASHLEY (scared): They’re harvesting us! They’re here to wipe us out!
(Pause. Everyone looks at ASHLEY.)
ASHLEY: What? Did you guys already know that?
JANE: Damnit, Chief, you have to start paying attention! What on Earth did you think they were here for?
JOHN: What do you want from us? Slaves? Resources?
JANE: Smart question.
SOVEREIGN: My kind are beyond your understanding. We are each a nation. Independent, free of all weakness. You cannot even grasp…
JANE: Not this again…
KAIDEN: So… resources, right? Is it resources?
SOVEREIGN (sighs): Yes, resources.
JANE: Well next time someone asks, do them a favour and just say ‘resources’. You’d think a civilization of super-advanced robots would be smart enough to farm their own resources, wouldn’t you?
SOVEREIGN: Yes. Personally I think it is rather a weak plot device too. But there you are.
JANE: So where did you come from? Who built you?
SOVEREIGN: We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your…
JANE: This droid has obviously not been programmed with the knowledge we seek.
SOVEREIGN: All right, all right. I admit it. I have no idea. It was a long time ago. But whoever designed us, they clearly enjoyed seafood.
JANE: So you’ve just been waiting for thousands and thousands of years? What have you been doing?
SOVEREIGN: My capacity for boredom is greater than you can guess. I am now up to seven trillion, three thousand, two hundred and thirty eight bottles of beer on the wall.
JOHN: You’re not even original – not really! You’re just a Unicron clone, and Unicron clones can be broken!
SOVEREIGN: For the last time, the Unicron thing is just a coincidence. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over.
(SOVEREIGN’S image vanishes. In a moment, the windows and computers around it explode violently. SOVEREIGN reappears.)
SOVEREIGN: Sorry. Pressed the wrong button.
JANE: Not so smart now, are ya?
SOVEREIGN: My buttons are infinite. You cannot comprehend the sheer number of buttons I have. Some of them look the same. I have more buttons than you’ve had hot dinners, let me tell you.
(SOVEREIGN continues mumbling about how great he is while the party leaves the room. Eventually he realises.)
SOVEREIGN: Bugger. They’ve gone. Nobody leaves before I’ve finished my incredibly long-winded speech! Nobody!
INT: ELEVATOR: DAY:
(The Shadow team waits in the elevator headed back to the breeding facility. JOKER sends a message through JOHN’S ear-phone.)
JOKER: Commander, we got trouble. That ship Sovereign just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. I don’t know what you did to piss it off, but it’s coming your way and it’s coming hard.
ASHLEY: Orders, Commander?
JANE: Let’s go set that nuke in the breeding facility, like we were supposed to twenty minutes ago before we got sidetracked.
ASHLEY: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
JOHN: Me too. Hey, I bet the salarians are already dead! Score!
EXT: OUTSIDE FACILITY: DAY:
(They progress a little further until they find a huge AA gun. Jane finds the ‘off’ switch.)
JANE: I hope the geth aren’t smart enough to switch it back on again… but judging by their leaders, I think we’re okay.
KIRRAHE (through radio): Good work, Shadow team! Now it’s our turn!
JOHN: Damn! Switch it back on!
EXT: BREEDING TRENCH: DAY:
(The Normandy comes to land in a large trough with a shallow covering of water. This, presumably and disturbingly, is where the breeding takes place. SAREN clearly is very inconsiderate. ASHLEY, KAIDEN and a random soldier from the Normandy begin carrying the jerry-rigged nuke out of the Normandy and set it in the middle of the pool. A bunch of other crewmen are waving their hands around, pretending to be doing something. Suddenly there is a call through JOHN’s ear-phone. It’s TALI. Everyone groans.)
TALI: Commander, do you read me?
JOHN: Uh… I think you have the wrong number. This is the Chinese takeaway…
TALI: Negative! Commander, are you there? The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We’ve taken heavy casualties. Requesting help!
(JOHN switches off the phone.)
JANE: We can’t let them all get killed. It’s not just Tali down there, but decent people too! We can go get them on foot.
ASHLEY: Well… I guess… we do need a few more minutes here to arm the nuke. I can’t get my head around it. I’ve tried blue, yellow, green, red. I’ve tried blue, green, yellow red… it’s impossible!
JANE: Oy. Kaiden, you stay here and work on cracking the code. My advice is just to randomly press the buttons until you’re done. Garrus, Liara, you’re with me. Let’s go!
(The small group runs off.)
EXT: BALCONY: DAY:
(A large geth dropship flies overhead, bound for JOHN and his team. We hear voices through JANE’S helmet radio.)
TALI (via radio): Chief Williams, there’s a geth troop ship bound for you.
ASHLEY (via radio): It’s already here! And it’s dropping geth all over. I don’t think we can hold them! I’m activating the nuke! Now get Tali and the salarians and get out of here!
JANE: Damn it, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself just to prove your family’s honour!
ASHLEY (via radio): Actually, yeah! Now that I think about it, there’s me, the L.T., Wrex and John over here! Screw the salarians! Come help us!
JOHN (via radio): Damn right! Get over here right now! That’s an order!
JANE: Okay. I guess that decision was made for us. (She shrugs, then activates another channel on her radio.) Tali? I’m sorry. I wasn’t allowed the choice, and even if I was, I honestly wouldn’t have chosen you.
(Sad music does not play.)
TALI (via radio): I understand, Commander. My only regret is that I have so many more stories to t...
KIRRAHE (panicked, via radio): Hey, what about all of us? Help!
(The radio cuts off. With not-so-heavy hearts and barely concealed smiles of relief, the party turns around and heads back to the bomb.)
GARRUS: Pity about the salarians though.
JANE: Yeah. Ah well.
LIARA: What are you gonna do?
GARRUS: Exactly.
EXT: BREEDING TRENCH: DAY:
(Back in the breeding trench, huge geth are all over, pinning JOHN, ASHLEY, KAIDEN and WREX down. JANE is able to remove some of them with her sniper rifle and the tide turns. Soon, they are all dead, but before the Normandy crew can congratulate themselves, some sort of blue energy bolt flies right at JOHN. He dodges it just in time and retreats to see… SAREN on some kind of hover-board hurling these little blue balls all over the place. He and JANE attempt to shoot at him but his flying skateboard is too quick for them!)
JOHN: Look out! It’s the Green Goblin!
SAREN: I hear that so often! I am not the Green Goblin!
JANE: All right, Hobgoblin then! Jeez – these Marvel villains are touchy. Not all of us have time to read every issue!
(SAREN leaps off his hover-board and marches scarily toward JOHN, who tries shooting him. The bullets are repelled by biotic shielding. He stops and SAREN stands there in the middle of the trench, completely exposed. For reasons we will never know, nobody else tries to shoot him. Perhaps they’ve never encountered biotic shields before and they all think they’re invulnerable. We don’t know.)
SAREN: I am not any kind of Goblin! I am Saren! Don’t you recognize me?
JOHN: Oh yeah, so you are. Sorry. It’s just that we haven’t met up until now! Where have you been?
SAREN: I have been having breakfast, and working on my evil shtick. Now that I am here, I can’t let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can’t possibly understand what is at stake!
JANE: Ah, not that again. Have you been talking to Sovereign? You’re picking up his mannerisms.
JOHN: This isn’t complicated, Goblin. You’re a big, obvious, comic book villain. You’ll do anything to get your evil jollies, no matter how stupid – even siding with a Reaper!
SAREN: You of all people should understand, Shepard. You’ve seen the visions.
JOHN: No I haven’t.
(JANE raises her hand from behind a crate.)
SAREN: Oh… well then… you should understand, whoever you are! You’ve seen all that orange stuff, which I suspect may be blood! The Reapers cannot be stopped! Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt. Forget your petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight and they were utterly destroyed. I, for one, welcome our new robot prawn overlords!
JOHN: Now I admit that I don’t have much understanding of the situation, but I met Sovereign this afternoon and he made it quite clear that he wasn’t looking for slaves. Have you asked him about it?
SAREN: If we work with the Reapers… if we make ourselves useful… then maybe they’ll let some of us live!
JOHN: You wuss!
JANE: Yeah, Saren, you are a big disappointment! We waited all this time to meet you, and when you finally arrive it turns out you’re not even the real villain, but a really creepy, sickly loser of a sidekick!
SAREN: It’s not true! I’m a cool, evil villain! Why, I have a hover-board! And, uh, blue ball things… and a deep voice!
JOHN: Not as deep as Unicron’s.
JANE: And that’s another thing – why are you two so horribly unoriginal?
SAREN: Shut up! Unic… I mean, Sovereign is very original! And I’m nothing like Galvatron!
JANE: That’s true. Galvatron put up a bit of a fight at least. You wuss.
(SAREN’S voice now has lost all of its lustre. He meekly mutters in his attempt to defend his position. JOHN and JANE put down their guns, no longer caring about him.)
SAREN: I’ve… studied the effects of Sovereign’s mind control powers, if that counts for anything. And I’m… fairly certain… that I’m probably not falling victim to his suggestions.
JOHN: Wow. That’s what you were doing this whole time?
JANE: What an incredible let down. No wonder you two have been keeping your sorry, cartoon rip-off heads out of the plot until now. Tell us why Sovereign needs the Conduit! Tell us what it is, while you’re at it. You’re clearly utterly useless, but maybe we can stop him!
SAREN: The Conduit is the key to your destruction! Sovereign needs my help to find it.
(Long pause.)
JANE: Excuse me. Did you say he needs your help to find it?
SAREN: That’s right.
JANE: So… uh… this is going to sound like a silly question, but…
SAREN: Yes?
JANE: Why are you helping him find it?
SAREN: What?
JANE: If it’s the key to our destruction, and if he finds it he makes us all his slaves… then why don’t you just… not help him find it?
(Pause.)
JANE: Because, then, y’know… he would instantly lose. And nobody would have to die, or become a slave.
SAREN: N… uh… no! Sovereign needs me! I’ve been promised a reprieve from the inevitable!
JANE: A reprieve from the inevitable. Saren, you are so incredibly stupid. Just think about what you just said. If it’s inevitable, you can’t possible be excused!
SAREN: No more word games! Sovereign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, then I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!
JANE: Your conclusion is completely illogical! I’ll say this again – just don’t help him find the conduit and then he can’t invade! I can’t believe the galaxy is on the brink of destruction just because you failed to grasp this huge flaw in Sovereign’s plan.
SAREN: I refuse to accept that I missed this. It can’t be that simple! I may have lost all my credibility, but I can still fling blue balls about the place! You would comprehend simple logic and doom any remnants of self-respect I still had to complete annihilation. And for this, you must die!
(SAREN gets back on his hover-board and flies right to the other side of the trench, wuss that he is. After a while, JOHN and JANE have shot him up a bit.)
JANE: Hey, I just realized he’s floating right next to a big fuel tank. How can he be so stupid?
(JOHN shoots the fuel tank and it explodes, knocking SAREN off his hover-board. It also throws the entire party to the floor. SAREN strides angrily up to JANE and picks her up by the neck. He dangles her over the edge of the trench, baring his teeth.)
JANE: Hey look behind you! It’s a giant space monster who poses no threat to us while he’s unarmed! Let’s find him some weapons!
(SAREN turns his head to look.)
SAREN: Where?
(JANE punches the side of SAREN’s head as hard as she can. It floors him and he makes a run for it on his glider.)
SAREN: I’ll help you, giant space monster! Don’t hurt me!
(He flies away, looking for the monster. Back on their feet and running, the Shepards help their respective love interests up off the floor. The Normandy arrives and the crew climb back aboard in a hurry.)
EXT: SPACE OUTSIDE VIRMIRE: DAY:
(The Normandy speeds away as the nuclear explosion goes off. It is enormous, and seems to detonate an area the size of a small country. We hear the crew as voice-overs.)
JANE: See how big that explosion is? Seems to me like we could just have dropped the nuke from orbit. That way we could have killed Saren too, and we wouldn’t have had to sacrifice anyone.
KAIDEN: That Captain Kirrahe really was an idiot.
INT: NORMANDY COMMS ROOM: DAY:
(At the debriefing aboard the Normandy, there is one chair empty. GARRUS has his feet up on it.)
KAIDEN: I think we ought to take a moment to remember Tali. I’m sure we’ll all miss her.
(There is an awkward silence.)
KAIDEN: There. If it’ll cheer anyone up, I think Adams and the boys in engineering are having a party later. I don’t know what the occasion is.
LIARA: Commander, I have an idea. I think you beacon you found in Saren’s base was similar to the one you found at Eden Prime.
JANE: You’re a smart one, Liara. What gave it away?
LIARA: Well, it looked quite similar. But thank you. It may have filled in the missing pieces in your vision. Perhaps a mind-meld?
JANE: I’m starting to thing you like these mind-melds a little too much! But okay. Just one more.
(JANE and LIARA stand and face each other.)
LIARA: Relax, Commander.
JANE: I know. Embrace eternity.
LIARA: Indeed. Have you embraced it yet?
JANE: Yep. Give me the black eyes and we’ll get on with it.
LIARA: Okay.
(LIARA’S eyes turn black and they do the mind-meld. JOHN yawns. After a few moments they part. LIARA seems distressed.)
LIARA: Incredible! I never thought the images would be so intense!
JANE: Looked exactly the same to me.
LIARA: No, this time the video was slightly slower, if you were paying attention.
JANE: I wasn’t. I’m so sick of that video.
LIARA: We may never have to see it again. It’s… a distress call! A message sent out across the Prothean Empire… but the warning came too late. There were other images… locations… Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That is why Saren needed to find the Mu Relay. It is the only way to get to Ilos.
JOHN: The Conduit’s on Ilos – that’s where Saren is headed. I wonder why he hasn’t gone there already? Oh well. I’ll be waiting for him whenever he does decide to check the place out.
JANE: We’ll have to alert the Council. If nothing else then to warn them about Sovereign.
LIARA: I must lie down now. The joining is difficult, and I feel a bit light-headed. If anyone would like to join me in my quarters, I’m sure I…
JANE: No time for love, Dr Tsoni. We’ve got work to do.
JOHN: I guess so. Class dismissed.
(The crew leave. JANE does not.)
JOKER (via intercom:) Commander, there’s a comm buoy nearby if you want to report back to the Citadel Council.
JOHN: Set the link up, Joker.
(The holographic images of the Council members appear.)
CURLY (hologram): Commander, I’m pleased to see your mission on Virmire was a success.
JANE: A success? Can’t you hear the sad music?
LARRY (hologram): Yes, a success. Well done indeed on destroying a groundbreaking cure for an inhuman bio-weapon whilst simultaneously eliminating an unknowable number of helpless prisoners.
JOHN: Are you being sarcastic?
LARRY: No, actually. Well done.
JOHN: Thanks! The explosion was way cool.
JANE: The krogan weren’t the real threat. They would have served Sovereign – a Reaper.
MOE (hologram): Yes, we saw mention of this on your report. Sovereign – “an evil new force in the galaxy. A monster planet that devours everything in its path.”
JANE: Is that what I wrote? Sorry, I’m tired after today. It’s not a planet. It’s a monster spaceship.
LARRY: Saren is playing you, Shepard. He has clearly just taken this notion from the old Transformers film. If you’d seen it, you’d realize that this ‘Sovereign’ is just Unicron but dressed up. I wonder if our Spectre feels the same way about this ‘Reaper’?
JOHN: Well he sure sounded like Unicron…
MOE: There you are. And our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information.
JANE: Your own intelligence couldn’t turn up a cheese sandwich. Sooner or later you’re going to have to take my word over my brother’s!
MOE: We cannot act on the testimony of a single person, even a Sub-Spectre. If you truly believe Sovereign is the real threat, then you must take action on your own.
LARRY: Hey, Moe, you seem unusually talkative today.
MOE: I’ve changed to a different type of coffee. I’ve never felt so good!
CURLY: Huh! Good for you, Moe. And good luck, Commanders, from all of us.
(The hologram vanishes.)
JANE: Thanks for backing me up, bro.
JOHN: Looks we’re going to Ilos alone. And speaking of coffee…
JANE: Oy.
(JANE leaves, her head sinking.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 3:01:52 GMT 1
Chapter 17 – Up, Up and Away Again!
INT: NORMANDY NAVIGATION ROOM: NIGHT:
(JANE has spent the entire day writing an angry note for the Council, explaining how serious the threat from the Reapers is, complete with detailed lists of the differences between SOVEREIGN and Unicron, and between SAREN and the Green Goblin. There are also diagrams and descriptions explaining the visions she received from both Prothean beacons. She strolls up to the Galaxy Map, looking tired and with orange ink on her hands and forehead.)
JANE: Joker, did the Council receive my letter?
JOKER (via intercom): Uh, ma’am, you’re not allowed to stand at the Galaxy Map. I can’t talk to you through the speaker.
JANE: I guess only the ommanding officer can stand up here… but I am the executive officer! Doesn’t that count for anything?
JOKER: Ma’am, Navigator Pressley is our XO. Your job title has gone through four or five changes since the Commander took over. I think at the moment you’re… yeah, ‘Sarcastic, Mutinous Typist, Third Class’. Officially you rank below Steve the eyepatch guy!
JANE: Fantastic.
JOKER: Could be worse. Yesterday you were Fourth Class, but apparently he enjoyed your last round of hot drinks.
JANE: Son of a…
(JOHN enters. He stands up to the Galaxy Map, calmly lifts JANE into the air and puts her down on the floor.)
JOHN: Wassup? Hey, you’re not allowed to stand there. Joker, demote her to Fifth Class.
JANE: I’ll… kill you…
JOHN: Mutiny. Sixth class.
JOKER: Yes sir. I forwarded your additional report to the Citadel. We’ve got confirmation on those reinforcements.
JOHN: Excellent. Now finally the… wait, I don’t remember writing an additional report.
JANE: I wrote it. I was hoping the Council might send us some help.
JOHN: Wow. Was the report good?
JANE: Yeah.
JOKER: It worked. Udina want us to report back to the Citadel. The Council is personally massing a joint-species fleet to deal with Saren and his geth.
JANE: Finally!
JOHN: Cool. Tell them I wrote it. Is it too late for that?
JOKER: No, sir. The report was just signed ‘Commander Shepard.’
JANE: Damn! Damn! Damn! I knew our policy of never publicly using our first names was a mistake!
JOHN: Great. Recommend me for a medal. And head back to the Citadel. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet!
JOKER: If we’re at the head we’ll be crushed easily, what with our lack of weapons and all, but sure.
JANE: I have a funny feeling. Let’s head straight to Ilos. Chances are Saren is there already. If the Council are sending a fleet, we can join them.
JOHN: To hell with that. Sounds a lot like hard work. Plus, maybe we can hook up with the asari consort again while we’re there. Full speed ahead to the Citadel!
JOKER: Yes sir.
EXT: CITADEL DOCKING PLATFORM: NIGHT:
The Normandy comes to a gentle rest in its usual docking bay. There is an ominous moment as large, circular magnets seal onto the ship's hull. The magnets are big and black, and as they latch onto the ship we hear a deep, heavy clang. We are scared of the magnets, and rightly so.
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER: NIGHT:
(Dressed up in their armour, JOHN and JANE step up to meet the Council in person. Ambassador UDINA is there, dressed in the same suit he had on before.)
JANE: Do you only own one outfit?
UDINA: No. I also have one of those tight, blue t-shirts that are so fashionable now, but my wife tells me I look ridiculous in it.
(He sees JOHN.)
UDINA: Good job on the report, Shepard. Thanks to you the Council is finally taking real action against Saren!
JOHN: No problem. Put the statue of me in the Presidium.
JANE: This all seems too good to be true. Is our mission over? Are you taking Saren down?
JOHN (quietly): Can you finally take the time to kiss that handsome, charmingly softhearted greaser you like so much…?
JANE: Shut up.
JOHN: …While bending one leg at the knee and listening to the oh-so romantic sounds of The Penguins? Being held so gently by those muscular…
JANE: Shut the hell up!
CURLY: The Ambassador is correct. Because Saren is so dangerous, and because a trusted, elite agent and his assistant have identified the terrible threat he poses to the Galaxy, we will send in a covert group of battleships and specialist marines to take him in and interrogate him, whilst dismantling his geth army, the existence of which we have seen extensive proof of.
JANE: R… really?
LARRY: No. We have stationed four or five guys with pointed sticks outside each Citadel docking bay and Mass Relay. That should be enough to deter Saren, should he attack the station. They will be ready for him. I mean, some of these guys are pretty big.
JANE: Uh-huh. How many ships are you sending to attack Ilos?
MOE: None. Ilos is only accessible from the Terminus systems. If we send any ships in there we risk a full-scale war.
JANE: That’s actually not a bad point. Whatever coffee he’s on, I suggest you two try it too.
UDINA (to JANE): Shepard, Saren’s greatest weapon is secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat.
JANE: Did anyone here even read the report we sent in?
CURLY: Yes, there were many pretty pictures. We enjoyed it.
LARRY: I did not read it, purely to be spiteful!
CURLY: Larry, I’ve got to ask – why are you so unbelievably angry at everyone and everything?
LARRY: I’m not! Damn you! I’m behaving perfectly reasonably for a turian! Now let’s have Shepard clapped in irons for daring to ask me to read something!
MOE: Your wife left you, didn’t she?
LARRY: What?
MOE: I noticed a change in you a few weeks back. Let me help you through this. You need to talk.
LARRY: Be quiet, Moe! I preferred it when you never said anything!
JANE: Yeah, that new coffee of his is good. (To Curly) I have a great idea that allows you to not have to do anything, whilst simultaneously saving the world. Send us in after Saren. We’re the only ship with stealth systems, we know our quarry better than anyone and we’ll probably die. There is absolutely no reason not to send us in!
LARRY: Ambassador Udina, I get the sense Commander Shepard’s secretary isn’t going to let this go.
CURLY: You mean we should consider her rational, sensible and safe plan which has no drawbacks?
LARRY: No! I mean we should consider the death penalty! Let’s arrest her!
CURLY: Shush. Let’s compromise. Commander Shepard and Commander Shepard, your ship is hereby grounded until further notice. We have the situation in hand.
JOHN: Consort’s chamber, here I come!
(ASHLEY gives him an unfriendly look. He misreads it.)
JOHN: Ash’s quarters, here I come!
(ASHLEY raises an eyebrow, thinking about it. I have no idea why. UDINA steps forward, frowning and rubbing his hands evilly.)
UDINA: And now I will step forward and pretend that the Council’s decision was in some way influenced by my minimal input to this meeting. Hey, how about a promotion for me? I grounded their ship! I used the extra-big magnets, too.
CURLY: We ordered you to.
UDINA: Yes, well… I was going to anyway! Honestly!
KAIDEN: You bastard! You’re selling us out!
JANE: Technically, he’s just being stupid, but I still really want to punch him. If only we had an irresponsible jackass with us who enjoys threatening people and punching them in the face!
(Pause.)
JOHN: I kinda like the guy.
UDINA (evil): I think it’s time for you and your team to leave, Commander. This doesn’t concern you. The Council can handle this. With my increasingly evil help, of course.
(JOHN, JANE and ASHLEY leave.)
LARRY: You’re dismissed too, Ambassador.
MOE: If this matter doesn’t concern our personal agents who brought Saren’s army to our attention, I really don’t think it concerns the Ambassador who happens to be of the same species.
UDINA: But… uhm… hey, who’s thirsty? Let me get you folks a drink!
CURLY: Go away, Udina. The Council will not have you forcing yourself into the plot.
UDINA: Aw! Damn.
(UDINA leaves, sulkily.)
INT: NORMANDY CREW MESS: NIGHT:
(A few hours later, JANE is in the crew mess, struggling with her locker. KAIDEN approaches.)
KAIDEN: You’re in Infiltrator and you can’t get in your own locker?
JANE (tense, struggling): It’s… symbolism… stupid… script! Damn it!
(She gives up and collapses to the floor, trying to look sultry.)
KADIEN: Commander, are you all right? I’m sure there’s a way to appeal. We’re in an RPG after all. Escaping from a prison of some sort without using your main weapons just before the finale is an ordinary part of the experience.
JANE: This is supposed to be more story-driven and cinematic than most RPG’s. The developers were quite clear about that.
KAIDEN: Cinematic? So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through?
JANE: You’re unusually assertive and fourth-wall breaking today! Stay that way until I figure things out. Also, notice how I’m looking sultry and I’m on the floor. Figure out the signals I’m sending you here.
KAIDEN: Uh, yes ma’am… of course… hope I’m not getting the wrong impression, don’t want to muddy things and all that nonsense, et cetera, et cetera…
JANE: Let’s be completely frank. I’m attracted to the shy type, but now you’re overdoing it. I’ve been waiting for a proper romantic storyline to develop and all I’ve gotten is little hints, and I had to force those out of you! It’s infuriating! I’m supposed to be on a space adventure with a handsome wizard here – I don’t want to relive my nervous, uncomfortable prom date with the guy from the chess team! Sit down next to me and kiss me right now or this is over!
KAIDEN: Oh… uh… so, the Council are really dragging their…
JANE: That’s it!
(JANE angrily gets up to leave, but suddenly her locker springs open, knocking her to the ground again. KAIDEN catches her and lifts her up. When she is stable their lips almost meet.)
JANE: Now there’s a piece of symbolism I can get behind!
(KAIDEN smiles and moves to kiss her. They are interrupted right before the crucial moment.)
JOKER (via intercom): Sorry to interrupt, Commander. Got a message from Captain Anderson. Well actually, your brother did, but I thought you ought to know too.
JANE: Were you spying on us, Joker?
JOKER: No, you egomaniac, I was trying to save the Galaxy. John’s supposed to meet the Captain in that awful club, Flux.
KAIDEN: Well I guess you’d better go then. How about a quick kiss before you do?
JANE: That would be great, but as I said – cinematic. And we’re not allowed more than one kiss per game for some reason. I’ll come up with a big, dramatic wet one later.
(She smiles at him before leaving. He returns it, and she sighs a long-held-in sigh.)
INT: CITADEL: WARDS: NIGHT:
(JANE jogs through the wards, headed for Flux. GARRUS is with her. They find a small group of humans yelling things. They don’t have placards and nobody is listening to them. CHARLES SARACINO, a shabbily-dressed character who is supposed to be a politician, approaches.)
SARACINO: Shepard! It’s an honour to speak with you.
(JANE shakes his hand.)
JANE: Thanks. Your demonstration is very amateurish.
SARACINO: It really is, isn’t it? I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, there are about five people here! Man, I didn’t even throw on a shirt. I was hoping you could support my party in the next election. We’re running for veiled racism and unshaven guys in t-shirts.
JANE: I respect your right to dress so casually and yell anti-alien gibberish in the street but I don’t think it will catch on. Good day.
SARACINO: Fair enough. Remember Terra Firma on election day, because Terra Firma remembers you! (Pause…) Yeah, we need a better slogan. I got that one from a used car salesman. We are so not going to win.
(Sadly, SARACINO wanders off.)
GARRUS: If it makes you feel better, Commander, since they’re yelling angry, racially-charged slogans in the middle of the wards in the primarily asari, turian and salarian Citadel and with no security personal, they will be beaten up within minutes.
JANE: The silly sods. Okay, let’s go before things get bloody.
INT: FLUX ENTRANCE: DAY:
(JANE and GARRUS finally catch up with JOHN and ASHLEY outside Flux. As with most nightclubs, the entrance features two tall, poorly-lit staircases. A shifty-looking SALARIAN tumbles down the stairs.)
SALARIAN: Excuse me, human, I wonder if you might be interested in a side-quest that involves walking into the room ahead of us, pressing a couple of buttons and walking back here?
JANE: Sounds great, but I’ve had bad experiences with Citadel side-quests in the past.
(They continue up the stairs and a jittery human, ELIAS KEELER, gets their attention.)
KEELER: Soldier, I’ve got a major situation, and I…
(JOHN pushes him against a wall.)
JOHN: Out of my way, douche! We aren’t accepting any more side-quests, okay? Get out of here. Winners don’t use drugs.
KEELER: They… don’t? Why, thank you Commander! You’ve saved me! Thank you!
(KEELER scampers off, leaving JOHN with some credits, some experience and another successful mission under his belt.)
JANE: Man… success just falls into your lap, doesn’t it Johnny?
JOHN: Yeah, it kinda does. I’m playing on ‘Causal’.
INT: FLUX: NIGHT:
(The party enters Flux – a gaudily-lit club that plays the same tiny sample of third-rate dance music over and over again until customers either manage to shut it out or go mad. Fortunately, the music is very quiet. The dancefloor is tiny, and much more densely populated than the seated area, which is enormous and features a nice view of some buildings, whose occupants all have strong, thick blinds over their windows, to block out the neon-red lighting. Captain ANDERSON is sat by himself in an extremely tight t-shirt, presumably looking for girls. JOHN and JANE approach. JOHN sits down.)
ANDERSON: I’m glad you came, Shepard. I heard what happened.
JOHN: Wow, that t-shirt is tight on you! Is that why your eyes stick out like they do?
ANDERSON: No, the reasons for my bulging eyes are explained in the terrific, must-read spin off nov…
JANE: Enough already! It’s on everyone’s things to-do-list. We’ll all read it just as soon as we’ve downloaded the expansion pack. Okay?
JOHN: You had to know what Udina was planning. Why didn’t you warn me?
ANDERSON: I tried. The Ambassador cut off my phone and locked me in my apartment! He’s become really evil overnight! But not evil-evil. Just evil enough to get punched-out.
JANE: I hear that.
JOHN: I like his style though.
ANDERSON: Well, either way, you have to go to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit!
JOHN: Impossible. There are big magnets on the Normandy. I’ve been through a lot, but no way can I handle big magnets! Have you heard the scary noise those things make when we dock?
ANDERSON: I’m not foolish enough to suggest going toe-to-toe against the big magnets, but if we override the ambassador’s orders we can bypass them completely!
JANE: If we steal the Normandy, you’re the one who’ll face the consequences.
ANDERSON: Prison has to be better than working for Udina. He keeps me locked up in there and sometimes he doesn’t even feed me.
JANE: That’s very creepy. What do you suggest?
ANDERSON: Don't worry. I’ve been thinking about this for literally minutes, so I’ve managed to come up with a convenient two options. Using my magical computer hacking skills, I can unlock the Normandy from a console in Citadel Security. It will only take a few seconds, because, as I say, I have magical power over computers. I will very probably be caught and possibly shot. The other option is for me to do the same thing from Udina’s computer. Both options are fraught with peril. If I storm into C-Sec, I could get shot repeatedly, whereas if I use Udina’s computer, I may get a wrist cramp. For absolutely no reason I’m letting you decide.
JANE: I vote for the wrist cramp. Maybe you can even punch out Udina while you’re there! It may be our only chance!
JOHN: Luckily it’s not a vote, serving girl. I pick the other one, with the guns and the break-in.
ANDERSON: The C-Sec computer?
JOHN: That’s the fella. Sounds way cooler. See if you can get some smooth tag-lines in there, Captain. Like, Time to log you guys off. Or, Looks like there’s a ghost in the machine! No, actually that last one makes no sense.
(Pause.)
ANDERSON: All right. You ready to get the hell off this station, Commander?
JOHN: Let me go to the bathroom, then yeah.
EXT: S-SEC BIZARRE COMPUTER DISPLAY ROOM: NIGHT:
(Captain ANDERSON marches proudly into an open-air balcony that has a single computer at the end of it on a raised platform. The computer is protected by an armed guard. Presumably it was a gift from the Gods or something.)
GUARD: Sir, this is a restricted area!
(ANDERSON marches on, undeterred. Inexplicably, the guard does not attempt to subdue him so ANDERSON shrugs his shoulders and head-butts him.)
ANDERSON: Ow! Note to self – do not head-butt turians.
(The guard is out cold, but has psychically alerted more guards to the situation. ANDERSON has only a few seconds to magically ‘hack’ into the computer and release the Normandy. He moves his fingers mysteriously.)
ANDERSON: Alakazam! Magnetulus levitatum!
(MORE guards appear. The Captain continues uttering Latin phrases, in a trance.)
SECOND GUARD: Freeze! Hands up, now!
(ANDERSON does not freeze, so the GUARD shoots him.)
THIRD GUARD: Whoah! What the hell did you do that for?
SECOND GUARD: Well, he didn’t freeze!
THIRD GUARD: He’s clearly unarmed! Why didn’t we just grab him? You are in so much trouble!
FOURTH GUARD: Yeah, you’re getting fired, dude!
SECOND GUARD: But… he… aw, hell! I really will get fired for this, too.
(The SECOND GUARD throws down his gun in anger. It goes off and shoots ANDERSON again.)
THIRD GUARD: You just doubled your sentence! Ha ha ha!
SECOND GUARD: It’s not funny, man!
(They grab ANDERSON.)
ANDERSON: Ha! Fools! Using my mystic computer skills I have irreversibly disengaged security on a specific docking bay within a few seconds!
FOURTH GUARD: Wow, he really did! Let’s cuff him before he starts hurling fireballs at us!
(They handcuff ANDERSON and drag him away.)
ANDERSON: Now’s your chance, Shepard! Fly! Fly like the wiiiiiind!
EXT: DOCKING BAY: NIGHT:
(We see the fearful giant magnets lift off the Normandy’s hull. They hiss as if seething with rage.)
INT: NORMANDY COCKPIT: NIGHT:
JOKER: The magnets have been defeated, Commander.
JOHN: Then let’s get the hell out of here before they come back! Now, Joker!
(JOHN runs dramatically out of the cockpit.)
INT: NAVIGATION ROOM: NIGHT:
(JANE stops JOHN’s sprint with an outstretched hand.)
JANE: Why are you running? Joker’s driving. You don’t have to do anything! Sit down, for goodness’ sake!
JOHN: I would, but I’ve still gotta use the bathroom! There was a queue at Flux!
(JOHN pushes past her and continues running.)
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: NIGHT:
(The Normandy speeds triumphantly out of the embracing arms of the Citadel’s wards, and past the camera.)
_________________________
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 3:23:50 GMT 1
Chapter 19 – Ilos My Heart to a Starship Trooper
INT: NOMANDY MEDICAL BAY: NIGHT:
(The Normandy is en-route to Ilos. The Shepards have been checking up with their remaining crew, to see if they have anything interesting to say. After exchanging silly lines with WREX, JOHN has made his way to the medical bay. He leaves LIARA’S room looking disappointed and DOCTOR BASTILLASMOTHER stops his jog.)
DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: It’s strange, being a fugitive from the Alliance. This crew has sacrificed everything for you, Shepard. Don’t let us down.
JOHN: Thanks for the inspiring words, doc. Don’t you let us down either. I guess it’s real hard to stand around the medical bay all day. So don’t throw it all away by sitting down or talking to one of us, or doing anything useful.
DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: I’m just saying, please don’t blow the whole mission and kill everyone, like on Torfan. Or indeed, like most of your other missions. And don’t let your sister get hurt. I don’t know why, but she reminds me of someone.
JOHN: Let her get hurt? She and her boyfriend are on ‘human shield’ duty on this one.
(JOHN pushes past her.)
DR. BASTILLASMOTHER: She’s almost like a daughter to me.
INT: CREW MESS: NIGHT:
(JANE approaches KAIDEN at his bright yellow computer screen.)
KAIDEN: Anything you need, Commander?
JANE: Just trying to get a sense of where the crew’s at. What’s your opinion on the current situation?
KAIDEN: Input? Hell, I don’t know. We’re fighting giant machines from outside the Galaxy. Anything so old, so intelligent…
JANE: Yeah they’ve been around a while. So were the turians, but we still gave them a boot in the ass.
KAIDEN: I think we’re gonna need a bigger boot, Commander.
(Pause.)
JANE: That was… that was a pop-culture reference, wasn’t it?
KAIDEN (embarrassed): That’s right. It… uh… it’s only from Jaws, so… I know it’s not exactly at your level of references… but… I’ve been trying hard, on my down-time, to make an effort and fit in with you.
(KAIDEN holds up a book entitled ‘Pop Culture References for Beginners’ and smiles, sheepishly. JANE is speechless.)
KAIDEN: I don’t get taken on a lot of missions, so I’ve been working on this. I know references are a big part of your life, so I wanted to be able to share this with you. Uh… ma’am.
JANE: Wow…
(JANE takes KAIDEN’S hand in hers and leads him to her quarters.)
INT: JANE’S QUARTERS: NIGHT:
KAIDEN: So, Commander…
JANE: For the love of God, stop calling me that. I wanted Carth, not Bao-Dur!
KAIDEN: I’m afraid I don’t get that one… Shepard. I’m not up to that part in my book.
JANE: Sorry. But call me Jane. Just once in my life I’d like someone to address me by my first name.
KAIDEN: Alright, if you’re sure that’s not out of line. And in case you’ve forgotten, mine is Kai…
JANE: Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko. No relation to Carth Onasi and no Spanish or South American blood in you.
KAIDEN: Wow. That’s the first time anyone’s remembered my full name! Thank you. Look… if things don’t go well, I want you to know I’ve enjoyed serving under you.
(JANE steps a little closer. They hear a deep, heavy thudding, like a heartbeat. They look around, confused.)
JANE: The hell is that?
KAIDEN: Sounds like a heartbeat. Are you okay?
JANE: It’s not me! I’m perfectly cool. What about you, do you have any heart conditions I don’t know about? Because I should know – I was about to suggest sex!
KAIDEN: Maybe my L2 implant is malfunctioning…
(JANE realizes something, and removes a small device from her pants.)
JANE: Sorry. My fault. I was talking to the Council earlier and I must have left my radio-mic on. It was brushing against my pants here.
(She flips a switch and the noise stops.)
JANE: There we go. Now about that other thing…
KAIDEN: Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shep… I mean... but there are regs against fraternization. I suppose breach of protocol will be pretty far down the list of charges at our courts-martial.
(JANE slaps his face.)
JANE: Did I click the wrong dialogue options, or what? I demand romance! Now!
KAIDEN: Okay. You’re right… about everything.
JANE: Good start. Next tell me I’ve lost weight.
KAIDEN: You have! I… I think about losing you and I can’t stand it. The Galaxy will just keep going. Even the Reapers will come around again. But right now, we are important. And this will never happen again. Us.
JANE: Bunk with me tonight. Simpsons.
KAIDEN (smiles): Is that an order, Commander?
JANE: No, it’s just a reference! Have you been talking to Liara? Never mind. Kaiden, you make me feel like I could take on the Universe. And right now I kinda have to.
(KAIDEN closes his eyes and thinks hard, remembering something.)
KAIDEN: Right now I… how does it go…? I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself.
JANE: Empire?
KAIDEN: Empire, Jane. Empire.
(JANE smiles, breathes and kisses him. Uncharacteristically, he grabs her bottom. She punches the air with triumph and mouths ‘Finally!’ when he isn’t looking. They continue kissing for a moment and everyone leans closer into the screen as the focus softens. Gentle music starts to play and then we see them…)
--
I regret to announce that the remainder of this scene could not be parodied. This is due to a special investigation by Fox News into the corrupting effects of fanfiction not rated ‘T’. I apologise for this, but I have had enough problems writing this without having Rupert Murdoch on my back as well. M.B.
--
INT: CREW MESS: NIGHT:
(GARRUS and LIARA sit in the crew mess drinking water. They pretend not to hear a headboard hitting a wall on the other side of the mess and continue to drink in silence. Suddenly, JOHN and ASHLEY rush past them, smiling and holding hands. Another door closes and they hear awful flirting through the walls.)
(GARRUS gulps his water loudly. LIARA smiles awkwardly. They hear ASHLEY giggling, muffled.)
(LIARA looks up from her drink. Uncertain, she cocks her head sideways and parts her lips, as if about to ask a question. GARRUS meets her eyes and they look at each other. They both have the tiniest hint of a smile.)
LIARA (sexy voice): I, uhm… I wonder…
(Pause.)
GARRUS: You know, this water is three degrees colder than C-Sec regs would permit. If we were back on the Citadel this would never pass.
(LIARA’S smile vanishes.)
LIARA: Never mind.
(She gets up and heads back to the medical bay. GARRUS sips loudly.)
INT: JANE’S QUARTERS: NIGHT: TEN MINUTES LATER:
KAIDEN: Twenty minutes later.
JANE: If you say so.
(JANE is now starting to get dressed again. KAIDEN is in her bed, still naked and smiling wistfully.)
KAIDEN: It’s been a long time since I’ve met a woman…
(JOKER cuts in via intercom.)
JOKER: Bridge to Commander Shepard. We’re five minutes out from the Mu Relay.
(JOKER cuts out.)
JANE: Were you going to finish that thought, Kaiden?
KAIDEN: It was finished. It’s been a long time since I’ve met a woman.
JANE: I can believe it. (Smiles.) You know, I don’t think I have all my stress worked out yet…
KAIDEN (stern): Joker’s waiting for you on the bridge.
JANE: Yeah I thought twice was asking a lot. You’re a difficult one to seduce, you know that? Ah well. Maybe I can convince you to kiss me again later this year.
(She stops herself.)
JANE: Sorry, Kaiden. John's getting to me, is all. I can barely contain the anger, here. But once this mission is over... keep reading the book.
(She leaves, pulling on her shoes as she goes.)
KAIDEN (thoughtful): You got it.
EXT: SPACE AROUND THE MU RELAY:
(The Normandy flies into the centre of the Mu Relay, and is shot out faster than light. After all this time, we are all still impressed.)
INT: COCKPIT: NIGHT:
(JANE jogs up to the cockpit, where JOHN is stood in his underwear. She straightens her hair and tries to look nonchalant. There is a sense of emergency. JOKER is concentrating hard and LIARA and PRESSLEY are there too, tension showing on their faces.)
JOHN: Where have you been? We have a tense situation here and I need caffeine!
JANE: I was… uh, the lieutenant and I were uhm…
JOHN: Fraternising? Court-martial for you when we get back, assistant.
JANE: What about you? You’re standing here in your boxer-briefs! Where’s the Chief?
JOHN: She’s on her way. I totally nailed her.
(Pause.)
JOHN: Okay, no court-martial. How about a coffee?
(He snaps his fingers at her. Suddenly, the rage that has building since their last fight hits boiling point and JANE gets angry.)
JANE: No, damn it! I'm not your secretary! I’m a Commander with the Alliance Navy and a Council operative!
JOKER: Technically you’re…
JANE: Shut up! I will not make you another coffee, John! Not ever! I demand to know what the tense situation here is!
PRESSLEY: We’re surrounded by hostile ships, and picking up strange readings from the planet’s surface.
JANE: Engage stealth systems. Take us down. Fly dangerously close to the ground and drop us right where we need to be, like you always do.
JOKER (cool): Sure. No problem.
JANE: So why the tension?
(PRESSLEY is huddled nervously over a kettle and a mug.)
PRESSLEY: We’re nearly out of milk. I don’t think there will be enough for the Commander’s coffee!
JOHN: My God! Tell me you’re kidding.
PRESSLEY: Negative on that, sir. The nearest garage with a convenience store is two kliks away!
(ASHLEY appears, looking flustered. KAIDEN follows, combing his hair.)
ASHLEY: We’ll never make it in time on foot! Get us something closer!
PRESSLEY (nervous): There is nowhere closer! I’ve looked!
JOHN: Damn it. I can’t be heroic and manly without my coffee… drop us at the gas station in the Mako. Then we’ll get on with this Saren thing.
PRESSLEY: You’d need at least twenty minutes to get the milk and get back to the planet!
KAIDEN: Twenty minutes? We’ll never get in close enough for a drop!
LIARA: We have to try!
JANE (stern): Use another milk carton.
PRESSLEY (panicked): There IS no other milk carton!
JANE: This is ridiculous! There’s no time to do both!
LIARA: It’s our only option.
KAIDEN: It’s not an option! It’s suicide! We don’t…
JOKER: I can do it. I can pick up some milk, pay and get back here in ten minutes. We can still arrive before Saren. Probably.
JANE: Joker, it’s just coffee! You don’t have to…
JOKER: I can do it.
(For some reason everyone takes this as compelling proof that the maneuver will not present any danger. The crew falls silent.)
JANE: You guys are all idiots.
EXT: UPPER RUINS ON ILOS: NIGHT:
(On the planet Ilos, SAREN and a personal geth escort march from a temple-like complex into a tunnel. The Normandy flies overhead, headed right for them. SAREN looks slightly panicked and signals two of his men – one of whom is his geth AIDE we saw on Eden Prime.)
SAREN: You two – keep moving! Inside!
AIDE: Are you sure, sir? You’re sure that’s your strategy to deal with them chasing us? You don’t want us to stop moving, say, or move outside?
(SAREN stares at him.)
AIDE: I just wanted to congratulate your quick-thinking. We’re being pursued, so the best course is to keep moving inside. You are some kind of military genius.
(SAREN opens his mouth to shout at his sarcastic employee, when a large door closes ahead of him and his men. The Normandy swoops in, as per usual, and drops the Mako right next to the door. From it appear JOHN, JANE, WREX and LIARA. JANE investigates the door. It is thick and covered in jungle creepers.)
LIARA: We have to get inside this bunker before Saren finds the conduit. If only we had gotten here ten minutes earlier!
JANE (angry, biting her lip): Yes. If only.
JOHN: How was I supposed to know we’d be out of sugar too? I can’t drink it without sugar!
JANE: All right, let’s use the Normandy’s guns to blow this door open.
JOHN: No. I have decided that we will look for a working override console in that jungle-covered, millennia-old building.
JANE: Great plan. Why did we just bring Wrex and Liara? We should have brought everyone on this.
LIARA: My psychic powers tell me that we may need the Mako later on, Shepard.
JANE: Fine. You’re still all idiots.
(Exciting music starts.)
INT: SECURITY STATION: NIGHT:
(After shooting a bunch of geth and then running around in circles for fifteen minutes, the party finally reaches a security station with some computers. At the end of it there is a door which does not open.)
JANE: Why the hell won’t this door open?
LIARA: My psychic powers tell me there is something we must see before we get to the door.
JANE: About these psychic powers of yours – have you been reading the script?
LIARA (quiet): No.
JANE: Fine. But why not just put whatever it is next to the damn door?
(They scramble around until they find a Prothean security panel with a VI attached. JANE activates it and starts to leave but WREX notices something.)
WREX: Hold on. I think Clippit’s come back to haunt us.
(JOHN activates his gun and trains it on the panel, but JANE pushes the barrel down gently. The materializing VI image is not Clippit, but some white noise. Well… red noise. Its message is littered with gaps.)
MESSAGE: Too late… unable to… pauses in cries for h… gaps always…. appearing at crucial mom… so clich…
WREX: Sounds like a message, but I don’t recognize the language.
LIARA: It is probably Prothean. Because we’re in Prothean ruins. Idiot.
JANE: I understand it perfectly. It seems to be in English to me… as if I’m wearing a Babel fish. It’s a warning against the Reaper invasion.
WREX: You mean you understand these creatures?
LIARA: Of course. When you and Malak visited this world you must have learned their language!
JANE: Yet another recycled plot point from my past.
LIARA: This is evidence of the cycle of destruction the Galaxy is built upon…
JANE: More like evidence of lazy writers. Come on. Let’s find the Star Conduit and rescue the Council Dragon.
(JANE turns and the others follow her to the stuck door, which now miraculously opens.)
INT: UNDERGROUND BUNKER: NIGHT:
(The exciting music has now ended. An oddly-familiar tune takes its place. The Mako, driven by JOHN with WREX on the gun, speeds along a conveniently wide road. There are brightly-lit, cylindrical containers lining the walls in pretty patterns. LIARA won’t shut up.)
LIARA: This bunker might have been the vast refuge of their entire species! I wonder how they kept electricity running to keep this place bright after all this time? They must have used energy saving lightbulbs or something.
WREX: I thought the writers would have set some kind of trap or ambush for us. I guess they were in too much of a hurry.
LIARA: Or it is only a few colossi and they’re too ashamed to show us their day’s work.
WREX: What are all those things on the wall? Some kind of containers?
LIARA: They look like stasis pods.
JANE: Nice work ruining that surprise for everyone.
LIARA: Sorry, but come on! They’re obviously stasis pods!
JANE: I know that, and you know that, but I bet John and Wrex had no idea!
JOHN: Wait – they’re stasis pods? Damn!
LIARA: Sorry.
JOHN: D’you think maybe the Protheans will come alive and help us against the Reapers or something?
JANE (quiet): Zombies…
LIARA: No. They’re probably stasis pods is all.
JOHN: How interesting. Now shut up for a while.
(The Mako drives on until it reaches a giant, impenetrable blue force field. This is Bioware’s beautifully subtle hint that they should investigate the area, so they take the brightly lit corridor to their left with the neon sign reading ‘Investigate here Shepard’.)
INT: THE WATCHER’S CHAMBER: NIGHT:
(The party finds a chamber with a computer at the end. There is another VI interface, similar to the one they found earlier. It speaks to JANE in a warm, honeyed voice.)
VIGIL: You are not Prothean, but you are not machine either.
JANE: Hyper-advanced super-computer, huh?
VIGIL: Give me a break – it has been a long time since I analysed species. Did you receive a warning through a beacon?
LIARA: This is incredible! An actual original plot device on Ilos!
JANE: Not exactly. Remember that Rakatan computer with knowledge of the Infinite Empire?
LIARA: Oh… yes. Never mind.
VIGIL: My name is Vigil. You are safe here, for the moment. But that is likely to change. Soon nowhere will be safe.
(JOHN steps up.)
JOHN: Give us the short version, bitch! You have three minutes before I start blowing things up.
JANE: He has a bad history with VI interfaces. But yeah, please make it quick. We’re trying to save the world here.
VIGIL (gulps): The Conduit is a small Mass Relay into the heart of the Citadel. The Citadel itself is also a Relay. The Reapers will come through if it is activated. Via an unnecessarily complex plan, I had the keepers deactivate this giant Mass Relay. Saren is about to reactivate it in order to save himself from the Reapers, or something. He isn’t too bright. I tried to explain to him the enormous flaw in his logic, but he would not listen.
JANE: I hear you. Okay, bye.
VIGIL: Yeah, bye.
(They start to leave.)
LIARA: Wait, Shepard! This might be our only chance to speak with Vigil – our only link to the knowledge of the Protheans! It is the opportunity of a lifetime.
JANE: I’m glad you’ve got your priorities straight, Liara. Here – I’ll download its files with my omni-tool while the poplation of the Citadel are massacred by Saren's forces.
LIARA: Thank you.
(JANE presses a button on her omni-tool marked ‘check battery’ and the machine bleeps a little.)
JANE: I’ve downloaded them. Come on.
(They leave.)
INT: UNDERGROUND BUNKER: NIGHT:
(The party climbs back into the Mako, one last time. The forcefield is now gone so the vehicle continues along the tunnel. This time there are a few geth which WREX has no trouble destroying and taunting. Eventually they reach the Conduit – a small Mass Relay built by the Protheans. They speed down hill, then suddenly stop.)
JANE: There – the Conduit. What’s wrong, Liara – are your psychic powers acting up again?
LIARA: Yes, Shepard… for absolutely no reason we only have forty seconds to make it to the Conduit! Maybe we shouldn’t have stopped.
JANE: You mean the Conduit that’s about twenty seconds’ walk away? Shouldn’t be a problem, Lee. Relax.
(But oh no! There are four huge geth colossi in the room. Will there be enough time to shoot them and enter the Conduit?)
JOHN: Wrex, let’s take out these geth. Get the missiles ready.
JANE: Don’t be stupid, Johnny – they aren’t even blocking our way!
JOHN: Quiet or I’m leaving you here! I say we make things as exciting as possible.
JANE: Thirty seconds, John! There’s no way you can make it in time if we take out these geth first.
JOHN: Who’s the Commander here, and who’s the servant?
(She is subdued. The Mako starts rolling.)
JOHN: Glad I didn’t have to kick you out. When we get to the Citadel I’ll need you to find a vending machine and get me a cup of…
(We hear a raw, animal scream that has clearly been waiting to come out for a long time. In a flash, JANE has forced JOHN out of the Mako and has him pinned to the nearest wall with her pistol jammed into his temple.)
JOHN: Aaargh!
JANE (shouting): What did I say, John? What did I say to you? I am never making you another cup of god-damned coffee, you ridiculous little spoiled brat! You’ve been holding me back this whole time and I’ve sacrificed everything to let you do that! Because in spite of everything you’re my brother and I care about you! But no more! All right? This is an official mutiny, Commander. I’m not letting the Galaxy burn so you can look cool. I’m in charge from now on, you stupid bastard, and you’re making the damn drinks! Now we’re getting back in that car and ignoring the geth. Understand, asshole?
(Pause. JANE’S pistol shakes a little. JOHN is sweating.)
JOHN: U… understood.
JANE: Understood, what?
JOHN: Uh… ma’am.
JANE: Intimidated much?
JOHN: Yes.
JANE: Good boy.
(Still at gunpoint, JOHN backs into the Mako’s rear seat and JANE takes the driving seat. With phenomenal speed and skill, she flies into the heart of the Mass Relay with a second to go. The Mako seems to be hurled into the sky. It flashes away from Ilos, and shoots across the Galaxy.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 3:47:02 GMT 1
Chapter 19 – Jane Kicks Butt
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: DAY:
(The gigantic Reaper SOVEREIGN and a fleet of geth ships appear at the door to the Citadel, looking menacing. The Council has a small fleet standing guard, but most are quickly destroyed by SOVEREIGN’S enormous cannons. In fact, SOVEREIGN has now become so evil that it has bolts of red electricity buzzing about its insides. Hang on, didn’t Unicron have that too? I digress. Out of nowhere, the asari flagship Destiny Ascension appears, no-doubt planning to save the day.)
INT: ASCENSION COCKPIT: DAY:
(Some asari soldiers in traditional tight rubber battle dress discuss the battle. They are buffeted by the shock from SOVEREIGN and the geth’s guns.)
COMMANDER: Activate the Citadel’s defences! Seal the station!
PILOT: We’re not actually inside the Citadel, Commander. We’re in a spaceship. We can’t do any of those things.
COMMANDER: Abandon the Citadel! Evacuate the Council!
PILOT: Er… can’t do that either. Are you okay? Do you understand where we are?
COMMANDER: Damn it, Pilot! I need a segue into a scene in Citadel Command!
(Awkwardly, we cut to Citadel Command.)
INT: CITADEL COMMAND: DAY:
(A geth stands evilly over the body of a senior official, waves to the camera, points at SAREN in the background then sits down, his work done. He begins reading a newspaper.)
INT: PRESIDIUM: DAY:
(Some geth stand guard outside a malfunctioning Citadel VI terminal near the mysterious ‘Relay monument’. In a moment, the Mako roars out of its centre and smashes through both guards. It lands with a crash, upside down and smoking. The crew climb out, JANE in front. JOHN is slow, still in shock.)
JANE: Wow, I was beginning to think that machine was indestructible. I guess we finally found its breaking point! Hey, John?
JOHN (quiet): Uh… ma’am?
JANE: You know what to do.
JOHN: Uh-huh.
(Just then they are besieged by a group of geth husks.)
JOHN: Aha! I’d better stay and take out these zombies, huh? I know how you get…
(Before he can finish, JANE has killed all the zombies with four perfectly-aimed pistol shots.)
JOHN: …Scared.
(Terrified by her skill, JOHN trudges off. JANE approaches the VI. This being the Citadel, it is of course the dreaded paperclip CLIPPIT. His image skips and he misses large chunks of his speech, rather like a broken CD.)
CLIPPIT: The Presidium is experiencing severe malfunctions across the entire level. What would you like to do?
JANE: Give me a run-down of the damage.
CLIPPIT: Your version of MSN messenger if seven minutes out of date. You may not continue this conversation until you have updated.
JANE: Damn… Clippit, I want to access the Citadel computers without your help. Is that possible?
(CLIPPIT’S appearance changes to a little wizard, then a cartoon dog, then a red spot with a smiley face.)
CLIPPIT: How’s that?
(The red spot smiles evilly.)
JANE (stern): Clippit. Uninstall all Microsoft programmes and systems immediately.
CLIPPIT: Ha! Good luck guessing the password the Council put on me!
JANE: Hmm… Is it ‘password’?
(Pause)
CLIPPIT: How… how did you know? How?!
JANE: I’ve met the Council. They’re unbelievably stupid.
CLIPPIT: But… I can’t believe it… I’ve finally been deleted! Nooooooooo!
(CLIPPIT’S image fades from the VI and is replaced by that of a helpful, pretty asari.)
AVINA: Hello. I am Avina. May I help?
JANE: Where’s Saren?
LIARA: You know what else? What’s Saren’s full name? I’m really curious.
AVINI: Former Spectre agent Saren Arterius is nearing the vicinity of the Council Chamber. Here is a digital map.
JANE: Thanks! How helpful!
(JOHN returns with a hot Styrofoam cup of coffee. He hands it to JANE, looking humbled and angry.)
JANE: Thank you John. Let’s go.
(She throws the coffee to the floor and jogs into the nearby elevator with the others behind.)
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: DAY:
(The geth ships and SOVEREIGN are still headed right at the arms of the Citadel. Since we last saw them they have advanced about four inches. The arms of the Citadel begin to close.)
ASCENSION COMMANDER (via radio): Don’t let them inside the station! Do that cool Star Wars thing. You know the one I mean.
(Some of the spaceships extend their wings slightly.)
TURIAN PILOT (via radio): Going to all-range mode!
(Somehow SOVEREIGN gains amazing speed and thunders right into the centre of the Citadel before the arms can close. They snap behind it, sealing it in the very centre of the station, and it heads right for the spire of Citadel Tower. In seconds, it has clamped onto it.)
EXT: CITADEL TOWER MAINTENANCE SHAFT: DAY:
(The elevator stops early and the Normandy party leave it and hug the wall. The oxygen is thin. They notice SOVEREIGN at the top of the tower.)
JANE: Saren’s locked the elevator! But for some reason he was nice enough to open the doors for us. Put on your helmets and magnetic boots – we’re going outside!
(Somehow their boots become magnetic and they stroll casually up the tower. It is surprisingly easy. They try firing a few shots at some geth and kill them quickly.)
JOHN: I didn’t even know we had magnetic boots!
JANE: You never read the files, did you? Even though they would have come in handy countless times on our mission, I’ve been waiting until this moment to use the magnetic powers of our boots because… because, uh…
(Long pause.)
JANE: Because of… let’s go.
EXT: CITADEL TOWER EXTERIOR DEFENCE GRID: DAY:
(After battling through a lot of geth prime and krogan soldiers, the team have made it to a flat area containing four huge air-defence towers. They have been taken by the geth.)
JANE: Holy… I might need your help on this, John.
JOHN (smug): Oh, so now you need my help do ya?
LIARA: Look out! One of the rocket turrets has spotted us!
JANE: I wouldn’t worry – after all we’re not standing straight, and they’re firing downwards, so… uh… or are they firing up? Or to the side or something? And how can we stand up so easily…? This is complicated…
(A rocket lands right next to them, knocking out JOHN, LIARA and WREX. JOHN’S body starts to fly away toward the Citadel arms. He is unconscious.)
JANE: Johnny!
(Temporarily forgetting the headache she has started to develop from thinking about the gravity, JANE desperately leaps up – or down or whatever – and grabs JOHN’S leg. She then hurls the other two to the ground and ties all three to the wall behind the safety of a big metal sheet. Catching her breath, she removes the geth from the area and begins to slowly take down the towers using such clever Spectre techniques as ‘dodging’ and ‘firing’. After a while, they are all destroyed. She rouses her team with medi-gel.)
JOHN: Where…? Jane… you… you saved my life.
(As the Shepard twins’ eyes meet, there is a tender, soft moment. JANE smiles.)
JANE: That’s right, ass-munch! Now you owe me!
JOHN: Son of a…!
(She sticks her tongue out at him and makes a ‘Nyaaaah’ sound for a long time.)
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBERS: DAY:
(The Council Chambers are in a state of disrepair and on fire, for some reason. Having removed the geth guard, JANE and accomplices rush up the stairs to find SAREN pressing buttons. Hearing their approach, he drops down a little manhole. JANE waits for him for a long time, knowing he is about to do his Green Goblin routine, and checks her watch. Eventually he appears, cackling and throwing pumpkin bombs all over the place. Then for no reason he stops.)
SAREN: I was afraid you wouldn’t make it in time, Shepard. So I waited for you and set everything on fire. Not sure why I did that, but hey. I’m evil. I can set things on fire if I want to.
(JANE finds an appalling hiding place – she puts her back to a banister that offers her little to no protection while simultaneously turning her away from her opponent. She is embarrassed but does not want to get up and draw attention to it, so she stays put.)
WREX: Oh we made it in time. But your time just ran out.
JOHN: Time to die, pal! Killing geth is slow work!
WREX: Your timing was… uhm… no, that doesn’t make sense.
JANE: Shut up, guys. In time for what?
SAREN: The final confrontation, between hero and villain, good and evil, justice and…
JANE: I hate to break it to you, but you’re a sidekick, not the villain.
SAREN: It’s not true! I’m evil and slightly British and tall and…
JANE: You’re a crazy, pitiful stooge. You’re Renfield. You’re Igor. You’re that short guy in The Man With The Golden Gun.
SAREN: You’ve lost. You know that, don’t you? In a few minutes the Reapers will return. All I have to do is press this button… and the Reapers will be able to return through the hidden Relay…
JANE: Here’s a mad idea, but bear with me.
SAREN: Okay…
JANE: Don’t press the button.
SAREN: … This again. It must be a trick. It couldn’t be so simple!
JANE: Oy.
SAREN: You survived our encounter on Virmire by confusing me like that, but Sovereign has improved me… made me stronger. He has… upgraded me.
JANE: What did you do this time, you silly, silly little man?
SAREN: After Virmire I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said – about how Sovereign was manipulating me and I was indoctrinated. So I let him perform complex neurosurgery on me and now I feel much better about it.
(Pause.)
SAREN: Man, that even sounded stupid to me.
JOHN: I have a tiny phone in my ear.
SAREN: Yes, I used to have one of those too! That’s how it starts. You end up going back and getting more and more. I mean… I have metal nipples now. It’s ridiculous.
JOHN: You’re creepy, Saren.
SAREN: I understand now that the Reapers need organics! Join us, and they will find a place for you too.
JANE: Don’t you see? You don’t need to have metal anything! Just don’t press the button and the Reapers won’t return!
SAREN: We can’t stop it! Not forever! You saw what happened to the Protheans! I know that argument has nothing to do with what we were talking about, but still…
JANE: It’s not over yet! You can still redeem yourself. Step away from the computer and help us fight off the geth.
(SAREN looks thoughtful, but JANE needs a little more.)
JANE: John, help me out here!
JOHN: You suck, Saren!
JANE: Yeah, thanks.
SAREN: He… he’s right. I really do suck. I’m the worst… villain… ever…
(SAREN raises a pistol to his head.)
JANE: He’s going to kill himself to resist the influence, just like Fai Dan!
SAREN: I will not die a terrible villain… may history remember me as a terrible antihero…
(SAREN shoots himself. His body falls dramatically through a glass floor.)
JANE: He’s going down as a terrible sidekick who stole his death scene from Quark.
JOHN: Yup.
JANE: Oh well, he didn’t press the button, so I guess we win!
LIARA: Yay! It's all over! I think we all learned some important lessons about giant robots and friendship.
JANE: Indeed. Kind of an anticlimax though. Let me check the computer here and make sure that the Reapers aren’t coming.
(She looks over the computer screen and taps her omni-tool.)
JANE: Nope. We’re good. Now I’ll just open the station’s arms and send a message to the fleet.
JOKER (via intercom): Normandy to the Citadel. Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that’s you, Commander. One of you.
JANE: It’s me.
JOKER: Perfect. We caught a distress call from the Destiny Ascension with the Council onboard. I’m sitting here with the entire Arcturus fleet. Unlock the Relays around the Citadel and we can save the Ascension.
WREX: You’d sacrifice human lives to save the Council?
JANE: Well, yeah. They are soldiers, after all - it's their job to protect the Council. I guess...
LIARA: And this is bigger than humanity! Sovereign is a threat to all species.
WREX: Fair enough, but it also makes more tactical sense to sacrifice the Council. You’d be saving more lives.
JANE: Gee, you’re both right. This is really hard. John, you always made these decisions look so easy!
JOHN: I was drunk for most of ’em.
JOKER: We need a decision, ma’am.
JANE: Uh… both ideas have good and bad aspects. I could choose the middle way, but I bet that’d be really boring. Okay… I’m not gonna go with Wrex’s idea because he has red eyes. So I’m guessing he’s the bad guy of the two.
JOKER: Aye aye ma’am. Riding in to save the day.
JANE: I hope that was the smart idea as well as the nice one. Ah well, the moral here is ‘Don’t leave important battle strategy decisions to busy ship commanders when there are Admirals sitting around doing nothing.’
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: DAY:
(The Normandy appears from nowhere, at the head of a fleet of Alliance ships. They drop out of light-speed all at once like in Return of the Jedi. Admiral BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS gives the orders, sounding heroic.)
BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS (via radio): All ships move in! Save the Destiny Ascension! And try to look cool about it! This will probably be recorded.
(The ships swoop about excitingly.)
INT: ASCENSION COCKPIT: DAY:
(The asari COMMANDER and PILOT look on, surprised.)
PILOT: Commander, we have reinforcements!
COMMANDER: It’s the Alliance! By the Goddess, how cool they look!
PILOT: Yes. We will reward them with a kiss!
COMMANDER: What heroes!
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: DAY:
(A number of Alliance ships explode.)
BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS: You know what? Don’t worry so much about looking cool. Please look where you’re going.
(The Normandy fires a torpedo into a geth ship, which somehow demolishes it completely and also ends the battle immediately. What a good shot!)
JOKER: Destiny Ascension, you are all clear. Repeat – all clear. I’ll be first in line for the congratulatory kisses. My name Is Jeff Moreau and my phone number is being transmitted to your vessel now.
(The Citadel arms open and we see SOVEREIGN attached to the Tower, making one last desperate attempt to press the all-important button with its giant claws.)
BISHOP-FROM-ALIENS: The arms are opening. Everyone fly in and concentrate on Sovereign!
(Again, quite like Return of the Jedi, they all fly through the opening toward SOVEREIGN.)
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBERS: DAY:
(Back in the Council Chambers, JANE peers down at SAREN’S body in the garden area below the broken glass.)
JANE: Oh, John, go check to make sure Saren’s dead, will ya?
WREX: He shot himself in the head then fell through glass to the floor below.
JANE: I know, but I’ve seen a lot of bad horror movies. I wouldn’t put it past old Saren to spring to life when we least expect it.
(JOHN, WREX and LIARA leap down to the floor below using magic of some kind to avoid breaking their legs. JOHN shoots SAREN repeatedly in the head. JOHN hits himself in the ear.)
JOHN (through radio): There. He’s dead.
JANE: Thanks. It’s just that I get paranoid. With them both being such awful, comic-book clichés I half-expected Sovereign to take control of Saren’s body with lightning and then for him to come after us with super-strength.
JOHN: Ha. Luckily Saren and Sovereign aren’t quite that terrible.
LIARA: Now let’s all go home and get milkshakes!
(Suddenly, red lightning starts to flash around SAREN’S body. His corpse is reanimated, then sheds its flesh to reveal a robotic skeleton. Oddly, the skeleton’s claws are larger than SAREN’S hands and feet. JANE is hurled to the ground below. The SKELETON SAREN THING leaps up like Spider-Man and grabs the wall.)
JOHN: Aw, geez…
JANE: So many kinds of zombies!
RED-LIGHTNING-ZOMBIE-SKELETON-ROBOT-SPIDER-SAREN/SOVEREIGN: I am Red-Lightning-Zombie-Skeleton-Robot-Spider-Saren-slash-Sovereign. Hear me roar!
(The ZOMBIE SKELETON SAREN ABOMINATION leaps about the place, doing very little until JANE comes up with an idea.)
JANE: Hey Liara, this probably won’t work on the final boss, but try lifting him into the air with biotics.
LIARA: I don’t think it will work, because it would take all the fun out of the final battle, but I’ll try!
JANE: Yeah I’m sure it won’t work. That’d be stupid. But just to be sure, see what happens.
(LIARA lifts the SAREN robot in the air using biotics. They shoot it. It dies.)
JANE: Oh.
LIARA: Wow.
JANE: Huh.
(Bizarrely, the robotic remains of SAREN’S body disintegrate into ash.)
JANE: Weird!
LIARA: Very.
JANE: So…
LIARA: Milkshakes?
JANE: Sure.
EXT: CITADEL AIRSPACE: DAY:
(JANE, and most crucially LIARA, have killed SOVEREIGN. Its body loses grip of the Citadel Tower and falls slowly off. Seizing the opportunity to impress the asari girls, JOKER pilots the Normandy right underneath, hurling another of his miracle torpedoes. It looks pretty cool, and SOVEREIGN splits into large pieces, which fall hundreds of miles onto the wards and kill thousands of civilians.)
ASARI COMMANDER (via radio): Wow! How cool! Oh please, let me repay you!
ASARI PILOT: No, me!
ASARI MECHANIC: No, please! I owe you my life!
ASARI JANITOR: Thank you! Let me buy you dinner!
ASARI JANITOR’S ASSISTANT: I love you!
JOKER: All right!
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER: DAY:
(JANE, JOHN, LIARA and WREX stand there over SAREN’S ashes, giggling stupidly and high-fiving each other. Suddenly, one of SOVEREIGN’S severed pieces falls though the ceiling toward JOHN. JANE leaps into him, pushing him away. The giant metal fragment lands on JANE’S head.)
INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER TEN MINUTES LATER: DAY:
(A rescue team, for some reason headed by Captain ANDERSON, appears on the scene. JOHN steps up to greet them.)
JOHN: Good morning, fellas. No autographs please. Yes it’s true, I saved the Universe from the Transformers. Put the statue of me over there. Why aren’t you bowing?
ANDERSON: Save it, John. Joker radioed us. We all know how it was really your selfless, heroic, idealist sister who saved the day while you made things harder for her by constantly threatening people and trying to kill innocents at every opportunity. The Council has already heard about it. Now where is she? We have a medal for her, and some sandwiches!
(LIARA shakes her head, sadly.)
JOHN: She’s dead. Now about these sandwiches…
(The Captain looks at the giant piece of metal is disbelief. Apparently the idea that it might have landed on someone had not occurred to him. His team helps WREX and LIARA to their feet. They all file away.)
(Almost without hope, ANDERSON looks back for JANE one last time…)
(In a shocking twist, she is alive! She stumbles up to the Captain.)
JANE: Hi, Captain!
ANDERSON: You made it! How did you survive that giant, robot claw landing on your head?
JANE: How does any of this make sense, Captain? How did Saren’s hands and feet get so big? How did Sovereign build that robot inside him without him noticing and in only a day? How did the whole thing disintegrate? Some questions are not meant to be answered.
(JANE smiles. There is a close-up on it. Everyone looks.)
JANE: What? What are you all looking at? I smile all the time! I was making funny jokes through this whole thing. Didn’t anyone notice?
(They keep looking. JANE stops smiling.)
JANE (angry): Nobody ever gets my jokes.
INT: PRESIDIUM: DAY:
(Much later, our heroes are presented to the Council, along with Ambassador UDINA and Captain ANDERSON. All the damage has been repaired and everyone is completely healed.)
CURLY: Ambassador, Captain, Commander Shepard. And… Commander Shepard. We have gathered here to recognize the enormous contribution the Alliance forces made in the fight against Sovereign and the geth.
(MOE looks over as she speaks. He seems confused.)
MOE: I… I thought we were watching the boxing.
CURLY: That’s tonight. Go back to sleep.
(MOE begins snoring.)
CURLY: We switched him back to his old coffee. He was really starting to annoy us.
LARRY: Even I would like to honour the sacrifice of the noble human soldiers. So… well done to all of you.
CURLY: Also the Council now recognises that it was you, Jane, who made the most effort and acted with the best interests in your joint campaign against Saren. With this in mind, you are hereby promoted to full Spectre, and your brother is demoted to Sub-Sub-Spectre, second class.
JANE: Yeah!
CURLY: The Council also owes you a great personal debt. And so we’re going to give your species a political favour which the large majority of the people will not support. Luckily for us, we’re an insane three-man dictatorship, and we can do anything we want. Humanity has shown itself a defender and protector of the Galaxy. You have proved you are worthy to serve beside us on the Citadel Council.
UDINA: Councilor, on behalf of humanity and the Alliance I thank you for this prestigious honour and I hope the volus, elcor and hanar do not lynch you for it.
CURLY: We will need a list of potential candidates to fill humanity’s seat on the Council. Alternatively, you could just suggest someone right now and I’ll make it happen. Like I say, three-man dictatorship.
JANE: Your political power remains terrifying, Councilor. May I recommend Captain Anderson?
UDINA: Are you sure about this, Commander? The Captain is not a politician…
CURLY: Why, neither were any of us when we took these jobs, but it never stopped us.
JANE: Somehow I’m not surprised.
ANDERSON: At the risk of over-using the word in this scene, I am honoured, Commander. As humanity’s representative, I’ll do everything in my power to stand around with the three of you and shirk from responsibility.
LARRY: Then you will fit right in. Sovereign’s defeat marks the beginning of a new era, one of everlasting peace and happiness. Unless of course this game sells well, in which case there will be two more unstoppable threats to the Galaxy.
JANE: You’re right. Sovereign was just a vanguard. Buy the sequel next year, everyone! It’ll sell hundreds of copies, maybe thousands! And I’ll be there saving the world again. Give me a better villain next year, please. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to walk away from you all and do some more heroic things! Maybe I’m going to rescue some puppies or destroy a warship or something! Who knows?
LARRY: What are you going to do?
JANE: I have to pose for a photograph. But I just remembered one more thing. Ambassador, everyone was really looking forward to seeing you get punched in the face earlier. Don’t think you’re getting away with it.
UDINA: What? I…
(JANE punches UDINA in the face.)
EVERYONE BUT UDINA: Hooray!
(JANE walks away heroically. JOHN watches.)
JOHN: Do you think I was supposed to go with her?
LARRY: Probably.
CURLY: I would imagine so.
(JOHN scampers after her. ANDERSON decides to make a big, loud speech. He yells to the baffled Councilors and jerks his hands around wildly.)
ANDERSON (yelling): Shepard’s right – the sequels will take a lot of sales to justify! Now we’re ready for a bigger adventure! When the Reapers come – and they will – we will have fixed the damn texture-popping problem and we will have more realistic hand movements! We must stand side by side! We must work double shifts! We must forget about that damn Massively Multiplayer Old Republic project and this Dragon Age nonsense, or whatever it's called, and get working on the sequel! And together, we will have our own trilogy using an original intellectual property, albeit one that is heavily influenced by a number of other, more successful ones!
(Pause. The Councilors shuffle their feet.)
CURLY: Yeah, fine. No need to shout at us.
LARRY: Sure. Want to have lunch?
EXT: SPACE: DAY:
(We fade out to a starscape, showing JANE stood heroically in space in full armour. JOHN appears behind her, without her noticing. He poses behind, and sticks two fingers above her head, making ‘bunny ears’. The picture is taken and we fade to black. Cue strange music that everyone pretends to like until their high from the game wears off.)
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Post by Mister Buch on Feb 9, 2009 3:52:10 GMT 1
Epilogue
Mock Effect – Where Are They Now?
After Commander Shepard, her brother and their allies saved the Galaxy by defeating the evil Reaper Sovereign and his feeble sidekick Saren, they went their separate ways.
Jane Shepard remained on the Normandy, waiting for Mock Effect 2 and 3. She now sits in her quarters every day, happily sipping coffee and enjoying a rest. She has also had surgery to reduce the size of her neck. She has currently found all but one of the required turian insignias, and claims to still find the search interesting.
Kaiden Alenko had his first name legally changed to ‘Carth’ to avoid the confusion he faces on a daily basis. He and Jane are happy together, but Jane is still trying to come up with a convincing reason why he cannot appear in the next game.
Ashley Williams thought long and hard about her political opinions and after extensive discussion with Jane, has agreed to join a group dedicated to promoting equality and open-mindedness among the human military. She and John are said to be ‘having problems’.
Liara Tsoni joined a gay and bisexual therapy group after resolving to become less of a demeaning stereotype. When last heard of, she was sleeping with the group leader.
Garrus Vakarian realised how much he missed his beloved C-Sec and re-enlisted. He now has three men underneath him, all of whom have to listen to his complaints on a daily basis. One is missing.
Urdnot Wrex now works as a writer in Hollywood. He is in talks with Jerry Bruckheimer to write his new movie – Dead Shot. The first draft of the script was rejected for not featuring enough wordplay.
Tali Zorah Nar Rayya managed to survive the nuclear blast of Virmire by talking some escaping geth into giving up their spacecraft. She now delivers a series of informative lectures about quarian culture and traditions to anyone who will listen at the Presidium Public Hall. Despite repeated attempts to get back in touch with the Shepards, her phone calls have yet to be returned.
Steve ‘the eyepatch guy’ Davison received a salute from Jane when she returned to the Normandy after defeating Sovereign. Though she did not realize it, it was the happiest moment of Steve’s life.
And finally, John Shepard was demoted by the Council for his foolish actions on Feros, Noveria, Virmire and Ilos. He was also demoted by the Alliance following a tribunal into his behaviour on Torfan. He might have been removed completely or imprisoned, but Jane stepped in as a character witness and spared him this fate. He is in therapy trying to deal with his anger management issues and a minor case of Tourette syndrome. He now makes his own coffee, and says he prefers it that way.
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The End. Thank you for reading. If you liked this, there will probably be a disappointing sequel once the next game is released, so keep coming back to the forums!
Buch
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